Perfectionism

In this episode, Glenn takes a deep dive into what's behind our need to be perfect. Many people strive for perfection in everything that they do out of fear or as a way to put off doing something that needs to be done.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello everybody.

Welcome to the show.

So today we are talking about perfectionism or the lack thereof.

Does it exist?

Does it not exist?

What is it?

If so,

And.

.

.

Etc,

Etc.

Oh,

You went too far.

Yeah,

I was trying.

Well,

You know,

I was going to keep going until I went too far.

Always.

That's my safety spot.

It's the Ambrose,

The Ambrose method.

It's the Ambrose way.

Yeah.

So,

So yeah.

So we're talking about perfectionism and you kind of were,

Yeah,

You.

Me?

Yeah,

Okay.

You were talking about this with somebody?

I know I was.

No.

No,

It was just the thought that you had.

Yeah.

So you had a thought and you brought it up to me and I had just had this conversation with somebody a couple of days ago.

So we had to do this podcast.

Yeah.

And that's how our pre-production meetings go for those who are curious.

Hey,

I was thinking of something the other day.

Really?

I talked about that.

Okay,

Let's do that.

Yeah.

And here we are.

Do you want me to say what I was thinking of?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What were you thinking of?

That's because that's what you started in.

Sure.

Yeah.

So I,

The other day I was literally doing,

I don't know,

Nothing.

Like I was getting out of the car at a store and I thought about like being a perfectionist,

You know?

Like people saying like,

Oh,

I'm a perfectionist.

I need things to be done a certain way or like I don't want anybody else to do this thing because I'm a perfectionist.

And it occurred to me that perfection is perception.

That's so good,

Ben.

Thanks.

Like if I say that I'm a perfectionist and like this task,

Right,

Like the dishes,

Like stacking the dishwasher needs to be done a certain way.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Like I'm a perfectionist.

I need it done a certain way.

Like that's my perception of how it should be done.

Right.

Somebody might have a completely different perception of how something's supposed to be done.

The actual literal perfection when,

You know,

Mostly when you're saying that you're a perfectionist and that you really need things to be perfect,

Like it's perfect for your perception.

Yes.

Of what it is.

And then I thought that can't be healthy.

I should talk to Glenn about this.

Yeah.

And we rationalize why it's supposed to be good,

Like why our way is perfect,

You know,

To really hammer down why we have to put so much effort into doing it this way.

And it is.

It's just our perception.

And it's not,

You know,

It isn't.

Even if you have good reasons,

Like that's what we do.

We come up with a bunch of reasons why our way is the right way.

And those reasons could be right.

But we don't take into consideration that people look at things differently.

Yeah.

And some of the reasons that they're right,

Other people just simply don't care about.

Well,

It's right to leave your coat by the door because then when you're walking out the door,

If you notice it,

You're more likely to notice it so you won't forget it.

And if it's cold,

Then you'll be able to grab it right there.

You can have all the reasons in the world why hanging your coat by the door is the right thing to do.

And they can all get swept aside by somebody that just goes,

Yeah,

The cold doesn't really bother me and I don't really care if I have a coat or not.

Well,

Wait a minute.

But you have to because,

You know.

So it really is about our perception and all the rationalizing we do to prove that we're right in our head and the way we're looking at it is proper can go right out the window just because somebody just says,

No,

It's just simply not important to me.

It's like,

Well,

Then now what?

Now you're screwed.

So,

Yeah,

It really is perception based.

So technically what's perfect for you is not perfect for somebody else.

And that's embraced very well in this podcast.

I just have to go and just talk and we talk about things and hopefully it comes out in a way that's applicable and relatable to people who relate to somebody who talks like me.

And there's going to be other people that listen to this and go,

It's too casual.

It's a waste of my time.

It's not serious enough.

And it shouldn't be on the air and people shouldn't be exposed to this because it's horrible.

Okay.

That's your perspective.

And that's fine.

Don't listen to us anymore.

But the people that it does connect to are like,

Oh my God,

It was so relatable.

I love how casual it was.

And it's like,

So what is good one person likes is completely the opposite of what another person likes.

So if we just keep going out and being our authentic selves and not over focus on what we think is perfect.

I think authentic is a better word.

Be yourself.

Don't worry about so much about if yourself is right.

It really gets into that.

And this is where it steers into judgment.

You can see whenever you have to rationalize and figure out why your way is right.

I did it with,

I think I mentioned this before,

I did it when I learned how to drive.

And for me it was a lesson in judgment.

I learned that I was judging myself and judging others and putting a lot of pressure on because of my perfectionism.

I was like,

Okay,

You put your blinker on this far ahead of a turn and you only get this close to the back of a car when you're following them.

And I deemed everything appropriate and what was right and reasonable and correct.

And then when anybody didn't do it the way I did it,

They were a jerk.

And it was like,

So I realized that I was just using all those rules I put down were just,

I was using them to judge other people.

And then if I did something wrong,

Unconsciously sometimes or subconsciously,

I was judging myself because whatever standards I hold everybody to,

I have to hold myself to.

Otherwise I'm just as much of an idiot as they are.

So it's like,

So you can see how this type of perfectionism gets into judgment,

Not only judgment of others,

But judgment of yourself.

So there.

So you said that you were talking about this the other day as well,

Right?

Yeah.

About the idea.

What was that like?

Like was that with a client or like with something obviously,

You know?

Honestly,

I don't even remember who I was talking to.

That happens.

I mean,

Like there's a part of my brain that shuts off when I'm talking and,

You know,

It must have to do with memory because I remember conversations,

But I don't remember when I had them or with who necessarily,

Unless I really think.

Then sometimes they'll come back.

But this was,

The conversation was more about perfection,

That there really technically is no perfection in this world.

You know,

We live in an ever-changing reality.

So we're trying to achieve perfection and it simply doesn't exist.

There's no such thing.

I mean,

Things are changing.

Even if you were to do something as you deem perfect once,

Then situations change and it's not going to be perfect down the road.

Perfection is an unattainable thing in the human realm.

It just doesn't truly exist and nobody can really have it.

So,

There's perfection.

So the other side of the coin that I was talking about is,

Does perfection exist?

And it's like,

Well,

Yes,

It exists in the only place it can and that's in the eternal realm,

In the spiritual realm.

And that's how we're supposed to anchor ourselves.

We're supposed to connect with the reality that we are perfect as we are in the eternal sense.

We are divine beings,

Perfect.

We're not damaged,

Hurt,

Wrecked,

Messed up.

At our core,

We are perfect,

Just as perfect as the day we're created.

So if we anchor into that,

We can truly love ourselves for the perfection that we are.

Then we come into a human world where perfection doesn't exist.

In this realm,

It doesn't exist.

It's transitory.

It's always changing.

But that's where we get confused as we try to live perfection in a transitory world where it doesn't exist instead of anchoring it into the spiritual world where it really does exist.

So I was having a,

Right after I had this thought,

I got some messages from another,

Someone else that is going to be starting a podcast.

And her and I were talking about names and titles and all of that sort of thing and the perfectionist perception thing was fresh in my mind because I had just thought about it.

And I was like,

You know,

The most important thing here is to just pick something.

It doesn't matter,

Really,

You know?

Like,

It matters a little,

But not really.

It's like picking a child's name.

Like I talked to one of my friends who had a son after I had my son and he was like,

Oh,

We're looking at this name and maybe this name and this name.

And I said,

You know what?

I mean,

Sure,

You know,

Of course you want to pick something you like and if you have some sort of reasoning,

Use that and all that stuff.

But at the end of the day,

Don't worry about it too much because once you pick that name,

Once that child was born,

It's going to represent the name you chose.

You know,

My son's name is Mateo.

Before he was born,

It was a name.

It was a word.

Is it right?

Like,

No.

Like,

You can't.

A word is not going to accurately describe a being,

You know?

So,

I mean,

But what happens is once they're born and you start calling them that name,

Then all of a sudden that name sets are representing the being that you love.

And then all of a sudden it's like,

Oh,

Well,

Of course.

And then it's a perfect name.

You know?

It's like,

Because it accurately represents somebody you love because you make that mental connection.

And it's the same with a lot of things we do like a podcast title.

I mean,

Think of the business names that are out there.

Some of the business names are absolutely ridiculous.

Like if you were to look at them from a perspective of,

Put it through the formula,

Does this work in business?

It'd be like,

Absolutely not.

That's the worst name possible.

But yet they're gigantic,

Successful businesses because the business was good enough.

And then the name just became a representation of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you're right.

We get too locked on to making the decision.

And of course,

We want to use our brain.

That's why we have it and try to pick something that's good.

But we don't have to be overly attached to picking the perfect one and putting all that pressure on ourselves.

Exactly.

And I had heard in a podcast recently the idea of productivity over perfection.

It's more important to get it done than to spend so much time agonizing over whether or not it's absolutely the most perfect thing that it could possibly be.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that.

.

.

Because perfection or the strive for perfection can paralyze you.

Right.

Yeah.

You can just keep doing it over and over and over.

And I mean,

I've had little bouts with that where it's crept into my life and I've had to deal with that because of my personality.

And it's like,

What kills me sometimes is perfectionism is one of these things that every once in a while,

When I'm talking to somebody,

Usually in the beginning,

And they have a label for themselves.

This is one of the labels that comes up,

You know,

Like,

Oh,

I'm a perfectionist.

That's just who I am.

And like,

99% of the time,

Unless somebody says,

I'm a spiritual being,

That's just who I am.

Or I am loved.

That's just who I am.

If you say anything pretty much other than that,

I'm probably going to hop on it and go,

Wait a minute.

Because people actually will think like that's just who they are.

Of course,

We have personality traits and we lean in certain directions,

But God doesn't make perfectionists.

Like,

That's not a thing.

That's a personality trait that you developed and attached to,

And it became part of who you think you are.

It's not actually a thing.

We don't have robots.

We're not robots.

We're like,

Oh,

We have the perfectionist robots,

And then we have this robot,

And then we have that robot,

And that's just what they do.

No,

You're a human.

Your behaviors are taught and learned,

And you don't have to be a perfectionist just because you have been most of your life.

You can learn to take a step back and understand that holding onto things too tightly is paralyzing you in certain situations.

And this isn't an excuse for not doing your best.

When you go to one extreme,

And then you bring up to somebody,

You say,

Hey,

Maybe you should back off of that extreme a little.

It's too far.

The first thing they do is go way to the other extreme.

Well,

I'm not going to just do nothing and try to put out crap.

Like,

No,

That's not what we're saying.

You can really do your best at things without overanalyzing and to a paralyzing state.

Yeah.

That brings me to another famous quotable saying or whatever,

Which is progress over perfection.

It's about the journey.

It's about getting a little bit better every time.

It's about striving for progress,

Not striving for perfection because perfection is an unattainable thing.

Especially a lot of people deal with that with weight loss or skill building and stuff like that.

You want more than you maybe get and it's just taking the next step.

Right.

And it's always,

You're constantly keeping score.

And if you haven't reached perfection and you don't deserve a pat on the back because you didn't do it perfectly.

And that's the existence and the cycle that we get in a lot.

And I bet you if people slow down and really look into their lives,

They'll see that they've experienced that.

And a lot of times people don't.

But the way our society is set up,

That's what we do.

Unless you get an A on a test,

Well,

A 91,

Well,

It's not 100.

So you can really lock onto that because it's subconsciously taught to us in society just to,

Well,

You didn't do the best.

You didn't do perfect.

You didn't do perfect.

So there's still room for improvement.

And it's like,

No wonder why we have such low self-esteem.

We never pat ourselves on the back for doing our best.

And that's what it really should be based on.

It's just doing our best.

Did you do your best?

Yes.

Okay,

Then great.

Keep doing your best.

If people just keep doing their best,

One,

They'll have good self-esteem because they'll be constantly patting themselves on the back for doing their best.

And two,

Whatever they want to achieve,

They will achieve it.

I guarantee you.

I guarantee you,

Bar none,

Everybody on this planet,

If they do their best,

They will get to where they want to be.

Every single one of them.

And so you flip-flop that and you go,

Okay,

So if somebody strives to be perfect every time,

Will they always succeed?

No,

Because they might drive themselves into a loony bin by putting too much pressure on themselves and being so judgmental,

Not only of themselves on others.

There's a negative aspect to that.

There is zero negative aspect to always trying your best.

And that's where we can kind of see what I always say.

There's no drawback in spiritual law.

It's always a win-win.

You can't live spiritually and go,

Well,

This part worked out good,

But this part sucks.

That's not how it works.

It's all good in spirituality.

And that's why I love it so much.

But if techniques like perfectionism,

There's a drawback to that.

This kid's in college committing suicide because of perfectionism.

That's a problem.

That's a major drawback.

So it's like keeping that in mind and teaching people to do their best and the score isn't as important as doing their best.

I think it is important.

I agree completely.

What about the.

.

.

I completely just lost my train of thought.

Perfectionism can also be.

.

.

I'm asking,

Can perfectionism also be a crutch to stop yourself from progress?

Because it's hard.

If you have a fear.

.

.

We talk about fear of failure.

Too many people don't talk about fear of success.

And I feel like holding on to the perfect standard or saying you're a perfectionist can be a reason not to do something.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

We'll definitely sabotage ourselves.

Like sometimes we'll not attempt something just because we know we're not going to be perfect at it and it will paralyze us.

I mean,

I just saw an example of this recently and it was.

.

.

I saw an example and it stood out.

It was somebody that was kind of being tested or pushed.

To see if they could do something.

And they were like,

Screw you,

I'll take on that challenge.

And they puffed out their chest and went to take the.

.

.

To prove themselves.

And then when they went to prove themselves,

What they did is they backed off with their effort.

And then later on,

They stepped up their effort and they were like,

Oh,

Well now I'll try.

And then pushed forth.

And I was like,

Why did you do that?

And that's a level of this fear attached to that.

That like,

Oh,

I might not be able to handle this.

If I don't put effort in,

Then that gives me an excuse.

If I don't knock it out of the park when I actually do put effort in.

I'll do it half-assed for a little while and then come in and be like,

If I don't do it perfectly,

It's like,

Well,

What the heck?

I wasn't even trying.

So you have a built-in excuse why you didn't hit your perfection.

Instead of risking it and just going for it and doing your best.

So that's how these things can creep in.

That's the little things that can creep in when we do this stuff.

Because if there's fear,

Which you mentioned,

There is that fear in there.

That's just one of the ways that we can start creeping into what we're doing and holding ourselves to that standard.

It is that progress,

Not perfection.

Because we're always checking the scorecard.

Did I do it perfect?

Did I do it perfect?

Did I do it perfect?

And that's just exhausting.

And it makes people give up.

That's why the progress is so important.

If you have this specific goal and until you reach that,

Then you're like.

.

.

Then you're failing.

Right.

And pretty much usually what people do is they hold up the ideal life as they're.

.

.

Sometimes they don't fully consciously understand that they're doing that.

But really,

If people are really trying to improve themselves,

And they're not really feeling good about the work that you're doing,

Usually it's because they have to be in the perfect marriage.

They have to have the perfect home.

Their relationship with their kids has to be perfect.

With their friends,

It has to be perfect.

The income has to be off the charts so they don't have to worry about anything.

They have to have enough in the bank for their retirement.

They have to be eating healthy.

They have to be exercising a certain amount.

Every area of their life has to be absolutely perfect.

And if it's not,

They're like,

Oh my god,

I've been working for 5 years and look at.

.

.

And then as a life coach,

It's one of the beautiful things.

It's to sit back with somebody that you've known for a little while and go,

Okay,

So when I met you,

You were here.

And then now you've done this,

You've done this,

You've done this,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

And you just list over and over.

And you go,

Okay,

So none of that stuff means anything?

And then all of a sudden they're like,

Oh,

Well,

Yeah,

I didn't realize it.

And I have to do that with myself.

I have to constantly take a step back and go,

Glenn,

Relax.

Look at all you've accomplished.

Look at what your life has consisted of over the last 5 years or something.

And put it in perspective and really understand that if we are putting our conscious attention towards being a better person in any way,

We're really doing wonderful.

I mean,

We are really making a difference,

Not only in our own lives and our own levels of happiness.

As a general rule,

I mean,

You're not putting attention towards your own happiness and not seeing anything.

It's just not happening.

You might be stuck a little bit.

You might need to get some help from a life coach or somebody.

But even that is progress.

Even trying to do it yourself and not seeing the results that you want to see,

And then the light bulb going off that maybe I need to get some help,

And then getting that help,

That's all part of the progress.

But oftentimes we don't look at it and go,

Well,

I didn't make any progress in the last year,

So therefore I didn't progress.

No,

Just you noticing that you didn't make progress in the last year and it pushes you to actually do something different,

That's progression.

Absolutely.

This podcast has been pretty good.

I wouldn't say perfect.

It's been our best.

And that's good enough.

Yes,

I agree.

So I just want to take the last couple of minutes to talk about some of the new stuff that people can.

Obviously,

As you know,

There's Life Lessons in Laughter.

We're coming up on five years.

Literally our next set of Life Lessons in Laughter that we do will be the five-year anniversary.

What's Right With the World every week,

A 10-minute show that comes out every Wednesday.

You can find videos of these shows on patreon.

Com slash glennambros.

That's the best way to support the show.

The other best way to support the show actually is just to leave a five-star rating wherever,

Apple Podcasts,

Google Podcasts,

Wherever you listen to this Insight timer,

Leave a five-star rating,

Leave a comment,

Tell us what you thought.

And then,

Glenn,

There's also the Mindful Mondays blogs that you do.

There's just an insane amount of content,

And there's two new projects coming out this year,

Coming out soon.

We're starting to do the blogs,

And then everything else is kind of up in the air until we.

.

.

Until we get it out.

There's lots of ideas.

So basically,

I highly suggest that you subscribe to Glenn's YouTube channel because older episodes that you can only get on Patreon,

Older episodes of the video podcast will be going up a couple months after they're there for the Patreon folks.

That way you can see some video content of us being goofy.

Yeah,

You can see Glenn's pretty face with his beard,

And then you can also see the vlog that's coming out,

And there will be more stuff on the YouTube and some unique content for that.

So I'm just really excited about the stuff that we're doing for you in the next year.

Yeah,

It's good stuff,

Man.

Yeah.

So,

Well,

I think that's it.

So everybody,

Thanks for listening,

And do your best.

Don't focus on perfection because it doesn't exist anyway.

Yeah,

The perfect thing to try the new year is not.

.

.

To be perfect.

.

.

.

Being perfect.

And with that,

We will talk at you soon.

Glenn is available for life coaching sessions.

To book an appointment or for more information,

Go to glennambros.

Com,

Follow him on Facebook and Twitter,

Or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Great conversation as always. Thank guys. Love and blessings 💙 x

Great talk! Thank you!

I have to say have been listening to your talks on instant timer wasn’t sure if I liked them but continued to listen to give it a chance. I am enjoying them . I love your authenticity and will continue to listen. Thank you 🙏🏻 I🙂

I just really enjoy Glenn’s podcast. I always feel encouraged and have a little more energy after listening to it. Not only to go after my dreams, but to appreciate my life and myself regardless.