Letting Go

In this highly insightful and inspiring episode we discuss how to let go of problems and distinguish the difference between actually letting things go, and stuffing them down and subsequently, suffering internally.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hey welcome to the show everyone.

Here we are.

Today we are talking about something that kind of came up a lot recently,

Well within the last month anyway.

So it was about letting things go.

So I had a lot of conversations about people letting things go and the kind of the confusion of when you're actually letting something go and when you're stuffing it.

Because you know a lot of times once we understand that we shouldn't be holding on to difficulties you know we go oh that really bothered me and then we go okay well I should just let it go.

We know that that's the right thing to do because walking around with it carrying it is harmful.

So we go okay I'm just going to let it go.

Well the problem with that is that it's see what happens is how we take something in our mindset the way we take it in creates emotion.

It's the way we perceive it is what triggers an emotional response.

So like you know two people can process the same situation very differently.

And so like one person can have something happen to them and it's traumatic.

And I got to come up with a different example because I don't really like using this one but I'm going to use it anyway because it's a really good example in my opinion.

Those are my favorite ones.

So this one like if there's a difference in how people are raised and their belief systems and what sets their core values at an early age.

So if you have somebody that was brought up in a very like Christian religious household that abortion is completely a gigantic no-no and then you have somebody else that grew up in an environment where I don't think any environment you know says hey abortion is a good idea.

But other people who don't have that religious slant on it where it's just kind of sometimes that's something that women do.

But there's no real stigma attached to it in their household.

So if you have those two women and they both have an abortion at some stage the way they process it internally is going to be very different.

The person that was perceived that it's a no-no it's going to be mentally very traumatic for them and then it's going to trigger a huge emotional response whereas somebody else that doesn't perceive it as necessarily bad isn't going to have that same response to it.

Potentially.

Potentially.

Right.

You never know.

Yeah it's still a huge thing that you can.

Right.

Right.

Somebody could not be raised religious and still have a very difficult time with that.

I mean that's possible.

But it's just more likely that the person that was raised religious saying it's a no-no is going to have more of a difficult time than somebody who is.

So the way we perceive things triggers the emotional response in a lot of situations and how traumatic it is for that person going through it.

So with that in mind understanding that the way we perceive something has a direct correlation to how traumatic it is on us.

So what we have to do is like you can't just if somebody perceives the abortion as this traumatic experience you can't just look at them and say hey let it go.

Right.

You know.

Yeah.

You can't do that.

You need to do some work on it.

So we'll take so now that we understand that piece I'm going to kind of pull it away from that and just kind of get back into normal everyday situations where it's if you're if you experience something negative and let's just say a co-worker pisses you off.

So you're at work this co-worker pisses you off and you go hey you know what I'm not supposed to walk around pissed off at people so I'm just going to let it go.

So you walk around and you pretend you let it go.

But what they did pissed you off.

And it triggered an emotional response.

You perceived it as them wronging you and it triggered an emotional response of being angry towards them.

Now every time you see them every time you think about what they did it's going to trigger that same emotional response.

It's going to trigger more anger inside of you.

So you can't just let something go without looking at how you're taking in the information in the first place.

So you know in that situation what you need to do is look at what they did and say okay you know why did that piss me off.

That should be the easy question.

You know you're going to know why it pissed you off.

Well because they you know.

Oh okay so that's why it pissed me off.

What's a healthier way to look at this.

So a healthier way to look at it might be like okay they were obviously having a bad day it was about them.

It wasn't really about me it was just them acting out and I don't have to take it personally.

Let's say that that's the avenue you go to kind of make peace with the situation mentally intellectually.

So once you once you come to that conclusion and you have to come to it not with what sounds nice what sounds spiritual and you should be latching on to.

You have to come to something that makes sense to you.

Something real to you.

Something real to you.

Something that goes you go yes yes that that's how I should be looking at it when I look at it that way it doesn't make me angry.

It makes me more empathetic and understanding to the situation and it makes me not take it personally and I can I can live with that.

I can forgive them for doing that and move on with my life and understand that you know it doesn't have to affect me moving forward.

Once you come to whatever that understanding is then you can let it go.

But until you come to that understanding you can't just just let stuff go.

I mean you know eventually you can get better at it.

I mean I think I've gotten better at it.

So you know it can take me sometimes it can take me three seconds in certain situations.

Be like all of a sudden somebody goes something happens and you go out what the heck that hurt.

You go oh well it was just that yeah okay so that's not really that big I can let it go and boom it's done.

You know you can rip through the process quicker once you practice it over and over.

But it does it's basically the same thing only on fast forward you know you just get better at it.

Living with a three year old has helped me get better at moving on from stuff instead of holding a grudge because you can get instantly mad at a kid you know like you can get upset with a kid but then like you have to let it go.

You have to.

Like you can't you're not going to you know the kid do something intentionally crappy and you're not going to I mean like what are you doing if you walk around all day mad at the three year old who like you know purposely threw something on the ground or you know whatever you know purposely like set something mean to you.

Like you know what I mean.

So why don't you get mad.

How come you're able to let it go with the three year old.

Because because it's a quicker realization of it's not personal.

It's about them.

It's not about me.

It's not you know what I mean.

Yeah like it's not what you are but but with an adult you're like oh that person had the intention of hurting me right or that person had that you know when oftentimes they weren't thinking about you at all.

No not even if they were you.

Even if they were that that's a problem inside of them right that they feel that they have to lash out towards you.

You know it's still about them always.

So it's never personal which brings me to you know the four agreements don't take things personally.

You want to get better at that read that book.

I mean it's it is a great book.

It's a great book.

That's in my that's my top three.

I guess it's books the last couple podcasts we've been talking about my books.

The nose of my top three favorite books.

The untethered soul the power of now and the new earth goes right along with that.

And Don Miguel Ruiz is the four agreements.

It's phenomenal.

I love when we talk about books in great detail.

I think that maybe we should do some of those but they're not you know necessarily the most helpful podcasts.

So I think maybe we should maybe we should do a couple of those on Patreon every once in a while.

Yeah.

You know we might be.

Well and we did do with the power of now at one point.

No we did the power.

Now we've done we've done a couple of them.

I think we've done the four agreements but it would be cool.

I don't think we did.

I want to look into that.

If we didn't we should.

Yeah we should because we could at least touch on the four basic agreements and expand on them a little bit.

Yeah.

I mean it's not going to do justice to the book.

I mean read the book obviously.

No and that's the point.

You know it'll be like Glenn's book club.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just to get you really interested to go read the book.

There you go.

And every time we do it I'll read the book beforehand.

Yeah.

Have you read the four agreements.

I've read the four agreements.

Oh okay.

I've never read the what's the what's the other one you were talking about top three untethered soul.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to write that down.

Yeah.

You need to read that.

I think I already have it written down from the last episode.

Yeah.

That's a great great book.

But the yeah it's it's not taking things personally is a lot of times is going to help us with with these situations.

But whatever tool you need to do whatever way of looking at things you've learned to where it's not going to conjure up negative energy every time you think about that person or come across that person or are exposed to that situation whatever you need to do you know that you need to work through it mentally and get to that place because otherwise letting go is just a fancy word for stuffing.

People go no I let that go and go oh you did like and usually I know ahead of time because like if they're if you're talking about a subject it goes a little something like this it goes like yeah well that person at work you know they did this and then and then and then and you can you can feel the negative energy in them explaining a situation and then they go but I just let that go.

You go oh you really you didn't let it go because if you did let it go the way you were describing the situation wouldn't have had that emotional charge.

It wouldn't have had that all that you would have talked about it very matter of factly.

Oh yes well you know this person did that and of course I took it personally at first and and it hurt for a moment but then I looked at it like that like it's going to be very it's not going to be emotionally charged when you're talking about it but as soon as somebody's explaining something to you and there's a negative emotional charge attached to it and then they say oh and I let it go yeah they didn't let it go they just stuffed it and pretended that they let it go.

So I think that that's that's a that's a big thing that people need to understand.

Let go and let God is a wonderful statement but you need to understand exactly how that how you're going to do that and if you've actually done it or not.

Right yeah and once you're conscious of what it feels like to to actually let go of something or to just you know it's very different than just saying that you've let go or the the intent to let go.

Yeah and it's and that's actually another good point.

It's we have to make sure we slow down enough to actually know if we let go or not because in the beginning our ego is going to try to play tricks because saying go because saying that you let go of something is just a win for you.

You know it's a you know like the my co-worker did this and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah but I just let it go right.

That's a nice pat on the back.

Yeah that's a that's a wonderful I am I'm such a good person I just let that go.

Absolutely that's a so your ego loves that and but it doesn't really want to let it go because it's really a good source of food for it.

So so what it does is it just it'll it allows you to think that you that you let it go because if you think that you let it go it gets to store it as a food source to keep your ego alive.

You know so so it's like oh yeah let them think that they let it go.

Good good let's just back off for a moment because we stick.

Not only did we get an ego stroke because they let they think they let it go but then later on we're going to use it for food to keep ourselves you know just feeding off of that situation.

Yep.

And how they shouldn't have done it.

So it's so you got to slow down and it's you know the you get better and better at the gut checks where you just go no that's you know how should I be looking at this.

I should be looking at it this way.

Okay cool.

That's good.

Yeah I'm fine I'm fine.

And like a lot of times if you just really pay attention and go well wait a minute now did I really let go and just pay attention to how you feel bring your consciousness down to how you're feeling inside.

Are you peaceful.

Are you calm.

When you think about the person doing what they did.

Do you stay calm.

And if you if you do then that's a good sign.

You know you just you got to really pay attention you got to remember your mind is wanting you to have let it go.

So like if you go did I really let it go.

Oh yeah look I don't feel anything.

No I let it go.

Okay.

And then you go off and it's like no that's not it.

You got really slow down and get into your body bring your consciousness into your body and relax for a moment.

Did I really let it go.

How do I feel do I do I feel anything.

Did I.

And then when you get that moment of stillness.

Oh okay yeah I did let it go.

And then you can move on with your day and it can take like you know 10 seconds like that.

But there's a big difference between that 10 seconds and going and staying up here in your head and going did I let it go.

Oh no let me check if I let it go.

I think I let it go.

Did I see if I feel anything.

No no I don't feel anything.

I'm good.

And then you go off with your life like that.

That does nothing.

So I would love to know.

You know something it doesn't have to be too personal too personal but I would love to have an example of a time when you had a hard time letting something go and then how you eventually did.

I think the you know I think as soon as you said a hard time I was because at first I'm like Jesus I don't know what am I going to come up with.

And it's not that it doesn't happen it happens regularly that that I have to let stuff go because I live in this world with everybody else.

You know we all have to let stuff go.

Well you live in Florida now so it's a little bit.

Yeah but there's less.

It's a slightly different crazier world than everybody else.

Well as soon as you said the hardest I thought back about the difficulties where I learned a lot of lessons and those are difficulties I went through being divorced raising my son.

You know and it's like you get two different parenting styles and when you're divorced not only does the other side often or I shouldn't say often in my situation the other side didn't really care about what my outlook was and or let's just say she didn't agree with it and I didn't agree with hers.

So we weren't ever going to parent the same way that was not going to happen you know.

So there was lots of times through that where I had to let stuff go and one of the most difficult things that I needed to work really hard on was was when something happened at his mom my son's mother's house that I felt was really really negative and harmful towards him and as a father you want to protect and I had to sit there and go okay there's nothing I can do.

I can't do anything.

She by law can do whatever she wants to him within reason and nobody's going to say anything and he's young he can't speak for himself and there was situations where I really felt what was happening shouldn't be happening and there wasn't anything I could do about it and as a as a parent that's very difficult you know you think you're supposed to care for your child and protect them and when you can't it's that that was that was one of the biggest things that was hard for me to work through and I had to come to a place where you know I had to understand that if I reacted in an unhealthy way it was just going to put more distance between me and my son and he needed me there in my opinion.

So I couldn't do anything like that that helped me you know make sense of it and then the other thing I really needed to understand that you know he's on his own journey just like I was on my journey and everybody else is on their journeys and we love our children so much that we want to protect them and it's it's hard to remember when we see them going through difficult times that they're on their journey man I mean we you know I don't know a kid who didn't experience any difficulty growing up everybody does it's part of growing up and how we grow from it makes us stronger and more capable people and you know now all of a sudden so I had to really put faith in that that he is on his journey and if I can just help him deal with things instead of protect him from things then he's going to come out stronger and better because of whatever he's going through and remember that he's on his own personal journey and I worked very hard at settling into that as a truth and believing it and then I could let go of some of the stuff you know and then I fast forward now because that was years ago I fast forward now and the kid decides to move to Florida and do his senior year of high school yeah so he can get in state tuition for college because he wants to go to college in Florida I mean that's a big deal decision you know how did how did a kid get a lot of kids couldn't make that decision and he loves it he loves the school here he's really happy about the decision he made to come and do his final year of high school in a completely new area in a school like five times the size of his old one and he's loving it so like for him to be able to do that I think it's because of the journey he's traveled you know so in now in hindsight it's easy to look back and go oh well see of course you know it made him stronger look at how wonderful he is yeah but at the time when you're in it it's very difficult so I'd say that that was one of the most difficult things to work through well thank you for sharing that man and sorry to put you on the spot like that but I'm glad to hear that he that he is loving Florida and you know that's something that that I don't know if we've actually talked about about the move that you know you moved for your son's decision which was awesome yeah yeah I think that I've gotten a lot of pats on the back for that and I think it it makes me sound a little bit more righteous maybe than I mean you moved and you moved like a year or two earlier for your son's decision well I always expected I would move back to Florida because I really enjoyed it when I lived here so I always expected I'd move back and I figured I'd move back after his senior year of high school that was you know I mean I wasn't latched on to it right if I had to stay a little longer for some reason I probably would have but um but that was basically the plan so really one we just moved a year earlier and two we moved to some place that I wanted to move to so I mean you know we can't pat me on the back too much this is what I wanted to but it was his decision you know I did leave it up to him and I did make it very clear that if he wanted to stay and finish his high school in Rhode Island I was more than willing to do that he didn't have to move here a year early you know it was only one year wasn't gonna so I did you know make sure he understood it was his decision but uh yeah I kind of wanted it too.

So what are some steps that you take now to uh not be in that uh resentful um mind space you know like what are the what are the steps that you do now how do you actively stop yourself or try to prevent yourself from being in this situation where you uh you know harbor resentment or you know where you can't let things go.

And now to be clear you're talking about when I'm successful right?

Absolutely you're talking about when you're successful.

I just I want to make sure you weren't talking about when I'm not successful because those times happen as well.

You are no saint sir.

This is true this is true um so now I think really one of the biggest things that I incorporated which I had a lot of success with was when I whenever like I tried to in my mentality it's it's I use the word or the term red flag I try to make things trigger red flags.

So whenever I was upset about something I tried to develop that into a red flag that meant I must be looking at it wrong.

Just in general if I'm upset about anything ever there must be something wrong with the way I'm looking at it because there's nothing wrong with the world and there's nothing wrong with life.

It's moving forward.

If I you know if I look at a problem and say okay yes this is a this is a problem but could it be if I stay focused on the problem then I'm not looking at the solution.

You know so as long as I stay stuck in the problem then I feel like crap.

As soon as I start looking for the solution and start looking for well maybe this is you know a stepping stone for us to be coming out of something and you know when I take that mentality I start to feel better and the situation doesn't anger me so much.

So that's what I try to do is first just if I'm upset about something it's like okay you're Glenn you're upset.

Yeah what it well what does it mean when you're upset.

Well that means that you're looking at it wrong.

I'm looking at it from a perspective that causes turmoil and upset within me.

I don't want to walk through life with turmoil and upset within me.

So you know Michael Singer does it's funny this is perfect.

Michael Singer does a great job with this in the untethered soul talking about this particular thing.

He's like if you if there's a problem in life you being upset about the problem does nothing for you.

It doesn't benefit.

So you're looking at a problem and you go like oh I have a flat tire.

You going oh crap I have a flat tire this is horrible I shouldn't have a flat tire this is bad that I have a flat tire.

That is not helping.

Right.

Yeah.

You know definitely if we can understand that we can leave that part out we can get rid of that part and we yeah you still have a flat tire and you still take the action to fix the flat tire.

Absolutely.

But the upset we feel that if we don't get angry inside we're not walking around with all these bad feelings inside then we're that must mean we're happy that we have a flat tire.

And that's not true.

We can we can not want a flat tire and not be upset all at the same time.

You know so so that's what we have to remember.

So that's whenever I get upset I just remember well the way I'm looking at it is causing me to be upset.

So I need to look at it differently.

Now that doesn't mean that I might not have to take action to address the problem.

It's just in the meantime the emotional energy it's triggering is harmful and I don't want to be walking around with that.

So how can I look at this.

So I think that that's the biggest tool is just whenever you're upset oh I got to find a different way to look at this.

You know and if you just kind of constantly do that whenever you can if you make that your practice for two weeks focus for two weeks every time something upsets you I got I got to figure out a different way to a healthier way to look at this that doesn't cause upset within me.

If you play that game for two weeks it'll change your life.

I hope so.

I hope so I'll try it.

So yeah this was another fantastic conversation and if people want to get a hold of you obviously Glen Ambrose dot com that's where you can find all the podcasts and stuff.

And if you want to support the show I'm going to keep mentioning it every episode because I am really excited about the stuff that we're doing over there.

Patreon dot com slash Glen Ambrose the best way to support the show.

You can join and become a member for there are three different tiers and there's all sorts of different stuff behind the scenes videos video versions of the podcast where you can see the goofy shirts that I wear now and all sorts of stuff.

So there you know there's a ton of stuff and you get everything early.

So you can check that out and I'll give you a teaser.

I'm going to try to purposely pick my nose on camera during one of the episodes.

Oh geez.

So you won't know which one it is.

Oh God.

Unless you tune in.

Oh man.

All right.

I don't know if that's true or not.

That's an exclusive scoop.

I thought it'd be funny to say I don't know if I'd actually do that or not.

No as well as the person who has to look at you during the show.

What if I make it quick.

All right.

Maybe a fake pic.

Is that called a flick a fake pic.

I don't think so.

Well I think we're going to start calling it that.

Oh my God.

All right.

So this is this is the most ridiculous show in the history of podcasts.

I hope so.

So thank you everybody for listening and that'll do it for today.

We will talk at you soon.

Glenn is available for live coaching sessions.

To book an appointment or for more information go to Glenn Ambrose dot com follow him on Facebook and Twitter or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Great thank you 🙏 I am going to try the 2 week challenge of looking at something differently and I will reread The 4 Agreements 🙏😉🥰

Really helpful thank you. Gonna work on looking for healthier ways of looking at things... got some tough ones going on at the moment that I don’t really want to look at. But I really want to truly let them go and be at peace with them instead of stuffing them down... because they’re not going anywhere so I gotta find a way to be ok with them. Thank you.

Love all podcasts with Glenn and Ben. Enjoyed advice on how to change your perspective so you can truly let go.

Always insightful. Learn something new each time. Thank you!!

Great talk! Thank you!

Really enjoyed this one. Like the idea of finding a new way to look at things as they happen... Thanks Glenn and Ben 💜 x

Luv these podcasts and topics.

Thanks again! Good content; appreciated the self-disclosure, and always enjoy listening to you guys. Happy New Year!

Another excellent talk.

Journeying with you on the way is getting more and more hilarious each day! A big “thank you” all 🙏🏼💗🙏🏼

Excellent examples and solutions. Thank you

Very helpful...thank you!

Great Talk! So much truth, spoken in the fun and easy to understand way that characterizes you guys. I can put into practice directly! So practical and exciting. Thank you ✨✨✨