Holding Onto Hope

Hope can be a beautiful thing if used properly. It can fill up our hearts and keep us open to a better tomorrow. If used improperly it can be used to rationalize enabling and a denial of reality causing many problems. I do a deep dive explaining the dynamics of each in detail.

Transcript

Welcome to Life Lessons and Laughter with your host, Glenn Ambrose. Hey everybody, How are you? What's happening? Are you holding out hope for my next podcast? Let's see what I did there. So yeah, Today I wanted to talk to you about holding out hope. So, You know, A lot of times, A lot of times the things we struggle with, The reason we struggle with them is we don't have clarity. And we don't have clarity because sometimes we combine multiple things into one issue, Which is a really good way to not have clarity. Because then it's, You know, We're just looking at this thing and it seems complicated, And it's usually two or three things actually all combined together. And that's why it's hard to gain the clarity. Or sometimes, A lot of times we just function without slowing down to get real clarity. These are just conversations we never had, You know, Like you were, When we are raised in a society such as we've been raised, You just, You know, There's no life class in school. There's no, We're not taught to really process things and slow down and really look at them and understand them. And that's just the beginning. It actually, That is probably, You can probably learn it and navigate it. But then, Then we get into this society as we grow older, And everybody's going 90 miles an hour, And nobody slows down to think about what they're saying or doing. But everybody thinks they know what they're, What they're doing and why they're doing it, Which we don't. I mean, At least half the memes that I see on social media literally don't make sense. Like a lot of times people are posting memes that they completely disagree with. And you can see it like, Either in the meme and knowing how they think or like the comment, They'll put a comment that doesn't mean what the meme says. This is all like, Right now, A lot of what I see are versions of people really wanting to be a good person. Okay, Like, We have a lot of good people on this planet. And the drive to be a good person, The desire to be a good person is just rising and rising and rising because it has to. So that's another podcast, But it is, It's rising. So people want to be a good person. This is one of the reasons why these memes that are posted half the time, They don't make sense, But they sound good. So people are, They read it, Something about it resonates with them, It sounds good, And then they share it. Because if it sounds good, Most people aren't going to challenge you on it. And it makes you feel good because you shared something good, Right? Unfortunately, There's this meaning underneath that a lot of times people don't pay attention to. So I've been seeing this a lot lately, Mute this thing. So yeah, I've been seeing this a lot lately. And one of the things is a is hope. So hope is a difficult one for people to navigate because they don't have clarity on it. So here's the, Here's the dynamics of hope. Like most people will, You know that they're like, Oh, You know, I hope this person will change. Or, You know, I see the good in people, And I hope that they'll do good. Or I have hope that things will change in the future. Or, You know, Things like this. And most oftentimes, The way people are perceiving hope is inaccurate. OK, So because we don't slow down really and dissect it and see what this actually means. We just go, Well, Yeah, I have hope that they'll change someday. And then people will behave in a way as if that person was changing. Okay. That is extremely dysfunctional. Because you're not dealing with reality. You're dealing with some mystical, Magical, Hypothetical version of reality that literally doesn't exist. OK, And this is why people walking around using the word hope, Or leaning into the word hope, Because they have this desire to be a good person. I don't want to give up on them. I want to hold out hope. Well, That's fine. You can hold out hope for people in a healthy way. But if you use it to, If you use hope to replace reality, That's where you're going to run into some serious problems. OK, One of the common ways is, Is with addicts. You know, Addicts have been dissected for years. And one of the catchphrases was enabling, Right? So they found that people were enabling addicts. Well, We do that with people all the time. We enable people to act poorly. We enable people to not take responsibility for their lives. They don't have to be a drug addict or an alcoholic to be enabled. We do this all the time. And we call it hope. It's not hope, It's enabling. Okay, So there's a big difference between hope and enabling. And you have to understand the difference because hope is wonderful. And it's good. And it's, It's a beautiful thing. And it can fill up your heart. Enabling sucks. And it allows poor behavior. Enabling shelters the other person from experiencing consequences. And when people do not experience consequences for their actions, They have no reason to change. So this is a common problem. People are running around shielding other people that they care about from experiencing the consequences of their actions. And then they never learn. And they think that they're holding out hope. Well, I'm just hoping that someday that change. Well, They're not yet. You're enabling them to not change. You're making it you're actually making sure that they don't change by enabling them. Because why would they change? Like, Nobody changed. Like, We're not walking down the street one day and say, You know what? I've, I've been an alcoholic for 20 years. I think I won't drink anymore. Yeah, All right. Good. Like, That's not how it works. Like, You. I mean, There can be a moment of realization. But when you want to know what fuels that realization, Which I experienced and many other people, I actually just saw a clip of Ben Affleck sharing his moment of realization. You know, They used to call it hitting bottom. I'm sure they still do. But it's almost like a realization moment. But what fuels that moment is consequences. He was talking about how he had tried to get sober and tried to quit drinking and stuff and lasted a year, Year and a half or whatever. But then when it started affecting his kids, He was like, Okay, Wait a minute, Now the price is too much to pay. I like affecting my kids is not okay. And I can relate to that. Because when I get sober, That that was one of the, You know, That was a big realization moment for me, That my son was going to have to grow up without a father because of my decisions. And I couldn't rationalize that, I couldn't make that OK. So that was, I had a similar bottom, A similar moment. But it's, It's facing those consequences going, Oh, My God, Like, I can't, I can't live like this anymore. Then we can come to a realization moment and change. But it's the consequences of our actions that we're experiencing consistently, That get us to wake up in the first place. So we can't shelter people from the consequences of their actions through what we call hope. You know, It's this martyr syndrome, Like we're doing something good for people. And we're a good person, Because we're doing good for them. We're helping. You know, That's another word. Maybe I'll do a podcast on every word that people misuse. I'm helping. No, You're not helping. You're hurting them. You're allowing them to continue poor behavior. Poor behavior, There is no benefit for poor behavior. Whoever is performing poor behavior is suffering inside. That's why their poor behavior is coming out. Whether it's through an addiction, Whether it's lashing out, Whether it's violence, Whatever it is, That whatever, However, It's manifesting out into the world. When somebody is behaving poorly, It's because they're suffering inside and they don't know what to do. They can't handle it. They don't know how to handle it any other way. So it lashes out. And when we allow that, It just perpetuates. Because in a way, They kind of get what they want. They, They, They, They got their release, Or they got their escape. Right? So then they don't have to change because they feel a little bit better because they either escaped or they released it. So the reason I say it like that is like, A lot of times people will will become doormats for for other people's poor treatment. And they're like, Oh, I can take it. I can take their poor behavior. I can take them yelling at me. I can take them mistreating me. I'm okay. And it's this martyr syndrome like that, That they're going to withstand it for this other person's benefit. Because they're like, Well, They're hurting. That's why they're lashing out. It's like, Right, They're hurting. And every time they lash out at you, They get a release. So they're never going to stop lashing out at you. And they'll probably lash out at other people, Because they're getting a release, They feel a little bit better, A little relief, Once they explode. But when you don't allow it, Then they have to search for a different technique, Then they might actually find a healthy way of dealing with what's going on inside of them. Okay. So my point is, With with hope, Hope is a wonderful thing to have. But like, I teach people to deal with reality. Actually, That struck me funny when I said it out loud. But really, That's what I do. I teach people how to deal with reality as it is because suffering is resistance to what is it's resistance to reality. Okay, That's what makes us suffer internally. And dysfunctional behavior is another versions of it are interacting with a fake version of reality, Which people often do with hope that they're acting as if this person is going to change, But they haven't changed yet. So you can't treat somebody in a way as if they might change, Maybe, Possibly, If the stars line up in the future, You, You, You can't do that. Like that doesn't help them. It, It prevents them from experiencing consequences. And it's not reality. They are not a like, If somebody is a, You know, Lashing out at you, I'll stick with that example. If somebody is lashing out at you, And you treat them like they're a good person. That's inappropriate. Because they're not, They're not acting like a good person, They're acting like a bad person. So to treat them as if they were a good person. I don't like the way the wording that I chose for that. Hopefully, You guys get my point. It's not that they're actually a bad person. I'm not trying to I'm not I'm not trying to say that we should judge people. What I'm saying is you're acting as if their behavior was positive, When their behavior wasn't positive, Their behavior was negative. So if their behavior is negative, It has to be treated appropriately, As if it were negative, Because it was. Right? So if there's negative behavior coming, Coming at you, And you're treating it with positive, You're, You're pretending that that their behavior is positive, Because you're holding out hope that someday they might change. That is inappropriate and effective. It's enabling, It's going to perpetuate their poor behavior. Okay, So living, This is since I teach this, Right, Dealing with reality, Sometimes people think, You know, There's multiple reasons why people think that I'm not compassionate. It's because I deal with reality. But this is one of them. So they're like, Well, So you don't think people can change? I'm like, Oh, No, No, No, No, That's the opposite. I know people can change. I'm 100% positive that people can change at any given time. I truly believe a tiger can change its spots. I truly believe that somebody can do a complete 180. I truly believe that anybody can wake up to their true potential at any given moment in a millisecond, Or over a period of time. I truly believe this, Not only because I've seen it, But I've experienced it. You know, When I woke up 21 years ago, That was a literal 180, Man. Like I was going in one direction. And I literally ended up going in a different direction. Within three months, I was, I basically made the 180 in less than three months. So like, I know it can happen. So it's not about holding out hope. It's about dealing with reality as it is. Okay, So. So like, When I interact with people that like, I know that everybody that's out there, Acting inappropriately is a good person deep inside of them. Their core is divine perfection. I know that. But if somebody punches me in the head, I'm not going to say like, Hey, That was a good shot, Tiger. No, Don't punch people in the head. Again, Probably a poor example, People, You know, We're adults, That doesn't usually happen anymore. But you know, Me, I like giving extreme examples. But like, You know, If somebody, If somebody starts, You know, Gets upset, Starts yelling at me, Starts taking something out at me, You know, Every once in a while, Not too often, But every once in a while, As an adult, That can happen. Somebody can kind of get caught up in what's going on, And then start directing it at you. And I just don't, Like, I don't deal well with that. You know, So there's been jobs where I've had bosses and managers and stuff start yelling at me. And I'm like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No, No timeout, Timeout, We need to walk away. And I will walk away and get myself out of the situation. Just because I, I just don't do well with that. I don't, It's not allowed. Like in my life. It's not a like, Who knows, Every once in a while, Somebody has been flipping out, And I'm really grounded in a good space. And I can kind of let them vent a little bit. But that doesn't happen that often. It's if somebody's, You know, When I used to work for other people, If I had some manager or, Or, Or boss yelling at me, It just wasn't going to happen. I got myself out of situation. They'd be like, Where do you think you're going? Get back here? Absolutely not. This is not how we're going to do this. Just not. I don't allow people to yell at me. It's just it's not an environment that is okay with me. It's not going to happen, Period. I don't care what the consequences are. If I lose my job, I'll go find another one. But what we're not doing is we're not and I've never gotten in trouble for that. And I've done that several times. 90% of the time I get an apology, Quite honestly, Because they know that that because I don't allow it. And then that they have the capability of looking at themselves and going, Wow, That was inappropriate. He just wasn't having it. Like if you allow that they're going to do it again. What is going to make somebody try to get in control of themselves if what they're doing works? Right? So if a boss or one of your friends or somebody in your life yells at you and you allow them to yell at you, What do you like? You know, Are you are you holding out hope that someday they're going to change because they're not? Most likely they're not. I mean, Every once in a blue moon, Somebody else tells them to cut the crap and then you benefit off of it. That's fairly rare, Though. You know, So it's it's when it's not allowed when they can't. Whenever somebody is behaving in a way that's inappropriate to me on any level, I try to make sure that they don't get what they want. If somebody wants to vent at me, And I don't want that, Then I don't allow them to continue venting. Because if I did, Then that would be allowing the behavior and then they're probably going to repeat it. So I just make sure it doesn't work. Whatever they're trying to look at. Yeah, Well, I just want to say one thing. No, Click. I don't want them to get their one thing off their chest. Because if they do, Then they got what they wanted. And then they'll do. They'll repeat the same pattern again. Right? So we can't allow the poor behavior. Because that perpetuates it. So I'll hold out hope that anybody can change at any time. Absolutely. And that's makes me feel good. I love looking at people knowing that they can change that they have the capacity and the ability to change any aspect of themselves. I truly believe that and I love that. And, And when I think about it, It fills my heart up and it warms my heart. Because I'm like, Oh, My God, Like, People have the ability to change. Isn't that awesome? And I have hope that maybe someday they will. And I like that. I like knowing that people have a goodness inside of them. And they can open to that goodness at any time. I love that feeling. I love thinking about it, Contemplating it. Not that I sit around contemplating it all the time. But what I'm saying is, If I this is why people want to have hope for other people. The reason they want to have hope for people is because when you have healthy hope, It feels good. It's like, Ah, You know, It's it's open heartedness. It's a, It's it's kind of a version of seeing the divine and other people having hope that they'll connect to that divine. It's kind of like, Hey, I know they have the capacity to be much better than this. And that that's, That's a, That's a kind way to look at people. It's a compassionate understanding way to look at people. And it really is a good way to walk through life. Hope is a wonderful thing. You know, And that that's like, Surfacy hope, You know, Like, Hope is actually indispensable when it comes to change. You have to have hope. You know, A lot of times people, People will judge people that have been like on welfare for generations and stuff like this, Or grow up in the inner city. And then like, And then choose a bad path, Or maybe even becoming famous. And then going down a bad path after or something. And that really, That the thing that a lot of people don't understand when they lack compassion for these people is that these people don't have hope. They grew up in an environment where there was no hope for something different. You know, I live in the Dominican Republic, I see it all over the place. You know, You can have people just sitting around doing nothing with their lives. And they're just like, I mean, Granted, They're over here, They're at least happier. But they lack hope. You know, So you can be like, Hey, You know, You, You could do something to make some money. Now, Like now, Like, They can't even envision it. You know, Truth is, Is where there's people, There's opportunity. And there are people here, There's opportunity. Like, Because people need things, They need different foods, They need different drinks, They need different services. Like, Even if even if a lot of people don't have much money, The cost of living is cheap over here. So so the difference between like, Now granted, A lot of the people working over here make somewhere around 250 to $350 us a month. That ain't much money, Right? So the difference between somebody working and somebody not working is not that much money. So I mean, Even if if you're completely broken, Starving, And you made a third of that you made $100 a month. There are ways to make $100 a month, You can do it. But people just don't see it. They don't have the long term vision that why because it wasn't they didn't see it growing up. Not many people are doing it. You know, Most people are living off generational, You know, In on land and houses that were passed down generationally. And maybe somebody gets an education and get some work and send some money over by half the people aren't even working. But they don't have that hope that vision. They don't know what's possible because they haven't seen it. You know, It's it's the four minute mile thing. You know, Like people, People believe that nobody could run under a four minute mile, Nobody, A human being could not do that. It was literally impossible. Right? Until one person did it. And then within a year, Like six other people did it. Like, How is that possible? It's our mind blocks us. This is where hope comes in. Hope is imperative. These are, This is why role models, Especially that come from the same area. Like, One of the things that I think makes me relatable to the people that relate to me, Obviously not to the ones that don't. But I came from a blue collar town in Massachusetts, There is nothing special about me. Like, I didn't go to college. Well, I went a few semesters to one and a half semesters. You know, I have no education. I grew up in a blue collar town. Like, I started my business when I was in my 40s. I was an alcoholic for 20 years. Like, If, If I can create the life of my dreams, Anybody can. Because like, I just, What's nice is the people that I grew up with, They're more likely to see it because they knew me when I was younger. Whereas other people might be like, Oh, Glenn, You know, He's, He's lucky. He's had it, You know, Easy his whole life or something like that. But the people who knew me growing up and saw me struggle and suffer and all that crap, They're like, Holy crap. You know, Anybody can do this. If Glenn can do it, Anybody can do it. Which I like that because it's true. You know, And it's funny, We're talking, I went in this direction because just the other day, I shared a article written in my, From my hometown with this guy named Mike Richards. He writes some really good articles from my hometown. He shared one on social media. And I shared it again, As it was about this gentleman named Sam Adder, Who owned Adder's Supermarket when I was a kid growing up. And I ended up going to school with two of his sons will, And I knew the third younger one too, Played football with them and hung out and stuff. Great, Great family. And Adder's Supermarket was just down at the bottom of the street where I grew up. So like we, I pass it going to and from school, Like when I was younger, And, And he always shined up these apples on his white apron, Shined them up and gave them to him. And I think it was Free Apple Tuesday. That's how I remember it might have been a different day. But he would give free apples to all the kids. And if you went in there, Man, He'd give you a free apple, Even if it wasn't Tuesday. And when we played football on game days, It was a big box, Big crate of apples for the team. And you know, Like, But it was more than that. He was a kind gentleman that was very community-oriented, Very involved. And, You know, I grew up around people like that. You know, And that was, I, I believe that, You know, When I got sober, There was, There was something there. And I still don't know exactly what it is. I don't think I ever will. But there was, My whole life, And then when I got sober, It culminated. And what it is, Is it was hope. OK. So my version of hope was how coming from a good family, Responsible, Kind people, Hardworking. So a father that was very present, Even when sometimes I didn't want him to be. Like, But even if you resist that as a kid, It becomes part of you, Because you're around it. Right? So there were, And, And guys like Sam Adder and other people in my community that were just good adults, That somehow just were good people, Did the right thing, And lived good lives, And raised good families and, You know, Have businesses and stuff like this. They were just good, Down-to-earth people. You can feel it, Man. You know, Like, We read energy way better than we think. And people like that stick in your brain and make an impact, You know. So like, When I was, When I was growing up, Oh, Well, When I started doing the, All the negative, When I went on a negative journey from like, 14, I just decided, OK, You know, 13, 14, OK, I'm no good. I can't live up to everybody's standards. I'm gonna be bad. So I just did whatever I wanted, And then alcoholism and all that until I was 35. So there was like 20, 22 years where I was going down the wrong path. There, I had many opportunities to cross lines, You know, And do like, I did tons of illegal stuff. But there was a line that I wouldn't cross. And some of that had to do with extreme violence. Some of it had to do with higher crime. There was like this, Almost this moral code that I just, It was certain things. And, And at the time, Sometimes I would make excuses. Like it just wouldn't feel right. And I didn't know why. So I would just kind of rationalize and make up excuses. Like, You know, Oh, We're going to do this crime. I'd be like, Oh, That's stupid. Like, There's a 50-50 chance of getting caught. If you're going to do something like that, You got to really think it out. So there's only like a 10% chance of getting caught. Like, You know, And then start a conversation going that road and then never actually finding the good idea. That got me out of trouble lots of times. But there were lines that I wouldn't cross. And I truly believe when I look back that if I would have crossed some of those lines, Either I would have lost all hope in myself, Or I might have gotten caught, And then gone to jail. And then I never would have bounced back from that. Like I don't, Like I don't think I was allowed to go too far down that path, Because I never would have came back. And I think one of the reasons that, That that happened when I look back in hindsight, Was because of these role models that I had. You know, I just like, I saw the hope, I saw the possibility of being a good human being and living a good life. I saw it when I grow up, Grew up. So since I saw it, There was a little part of me, Even if it was unconscious, Way buried down, That kind of said, Okay, Maybe it's possible. And that kept me going. And when you really decide to change, That's what you need to hold on to. When I first started getting sober, Like I didn't really have any hope. And then somebody explained it to me there. Somebody was like, Well, Do you do you believe that I have lived a life similar to yours and experienced a lot of the things concerning alcoholism and destroying my life and all that stuff? And I was like, Yeah, I get the vibe that you you've been there. You it's not just BS, You've actually lived it, You can kind of tell, You know? And it's like, Okay, Do you believe that I'm not like that now? And I'm like, Yes. So then I was like, Oh, Okay, So maybe it is possible. Maybe. I didn't believe that I could do it. I, But I thought that maybe possibly it might happen if the stars aligned. Maybe. And now that's enough, You can build on that. That's all we need to hold on to is just a sliver of hope, That maybe someday something will be different. And then we don't have to pretend everything's different before it is, We just have to hold out that the hope that maybe it will be sometime. And then we can build off of that and actually put the action behind the hope that makes the change. Okay, So bringing it back to kind of how I started this, It's like, Hey, If you got somebody in your life that's mistreating you or that you're enabling or something, You don't have to lose hope for them. And you can even tell them, Hey, I got hope that you're going to wake up and choose to behave differently or do a different act. And, You know, Whatever, Whatever. I have hope that you'll do that. And when you do, I'm going to be the first one shaking your hand. But until then, I'm not going to allow you to mistreat me. I'm not going to enable you. I'm not going to give you money. I'm not going to give you a place to stay. I'm not going to allow you to mistreat me. I'm not going to allow that stuff and call it hope. Because that's not what hope does. Hope is like a cheerleader for somebody. Hey, I hope you do well. I'm here for you. Go get it not here for you, Where I'll live your life for you, Or I'll smooth things out for you after you screw them up. So you don't experience the consequences. That's not being there for somebody. That's not supporting somebody. That's enabling. But you can say, Hey, You know, I'm here for you. I know you can do it. I have hope. So let me know when you change. But I'm not allowing you to continue behaving this in the name of hope and calling it hope. That's not what it is. So we can't lie to ourselves about what the reality of the situation is and call it hope. We have to face reality and interact with reality. If somebody is stealing your money, Then they are a thief. So you deal with that. I'm not saying that they need to go to jail and that they'll be a thief forever. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying in that moment, When somebody steals, They are a thief. That's what a thief does. They steal. And if somebody mistreats you, Then in an abusive way, Then they are an abuser. And if somebody is an addict or an alcoholic, Then they are an addict or an alcoholic. You have to deal with them as they are at that time. And you can still, On the back burner, Have this hope that maybe someday they're going to be better. But until they are, You can't treat them as if they are. You can't treat somebody as if they're somebody that they're not behaving like, And then wonder why nothing ever changes. You know? So yeah, Hope is knowing that things can change. Hope is not acting as if they already have. Okay, So that's really, Wow, That summed it up really nice. Thank you. Um, That's really what it is. We have to act as if things are things are functioning the way they literally are functioning. And, You know, Just interact. That's the word I was looking for. Interact that way. Interact with reality the way it actually is. Hope is is back there. But it can't dictate, You know, We can't lie to ourselves about the reality that's in front of us. It doesn't help anybody. So my point is, Is get clear, You can still have hope. And when you do, When you just open up to me, It's opening up to the realization that anybody can change. And it's like, Ah, Just just saying that makes me feel good. So like, Yes, I have hope for everyone, And humanity in general. I do. And it feels good to walk around with hope inside of me. But I'm not going to act as if it's they already changed, Because they haven't. So that would be lying to myself about the reality of what's transpiring at this moment. And that if I lie to myself about reality at this moment, Of course, I'm going to behave inappropriately, I'm going to interact with it inappropriately. Because I'm over here holding out hope. And I'm acting from this, This imaginary hope that something is different than the way it is. So of course, I'm going to behave inappropriately towards it. Right? So that's it. That's it. You know, Hold on to that hope for humanity and anybody can change but interact with reality, Not as if it already has changed. All right, That's gonna do it for this one. Thanks for listening, Everybody. I will talk with you soon. Peace.

Reviews

I know you avoid politics, and I know we’re spiritual beings in charge of our own inner landscape vs buffeted by externals but I can’t resist saying YES! I have HOPE and feel o so energized with the recent shifts! 💃🏻🌈⚡️🙏☺️