Helping Or Enabling? Life, Lessons, & Laughter LIVE

In this live episode of Life, Lessons, & Laughter I discuss the difference between helping someone and enabling them. Is enabling just a term used when dealing with addicts? Or is it more prevalent in our daily lives? Recorded LIVE on 2-14-22.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host,

Glenn Ambrose.

Hello,

Hello everybody.

How are you?

Come and leave your comments,

Questions,

Concerns.

Hopefully we'll get some good feedback,

Some good interaction tonight because this is one of those real spur of the moment things.

I have not thought about this topic at all today.

So we're going to see what Spirit has to say because it ain't gonna be me.

So we'll see what's happening.

See what information flows through.

You know what?

I may have fixed the setting on here where I don't have to constantly go in and change my settings on Facebook anymore.

I may have figured it out.

Let's hope so.

Hey,

Okay.

Let me see if I got to pronounce this properly.

Luis.

Is that is that the right way to say it?

Luis?

Close,

Hopefully.

It's funny.

It looks like such an easy name,

But then when I go to say it,

My brain gets in the way.

So I don't know.

So,

Yeah.

So here we are.

We're going where,

You know,

This came up,

I don't know,

Last week or the week before or something like that.

And I was like,

You know,

I should because it's popped up several times.

Oh,

Good.

I got it right.

Excellent.

The name that is.

So,

Yeah,

This pops up every now and then.

You know,

When working with clients,

It's something that we need to get clarity on because we simply don't have clarity.

Hey,

Pam from New Mexico,

Cooking dinner.

OK,

So I am I am dinner cooking background.

That's cool.

I can put that on my resume.

Glenn Ambrose podcast is also good while you're cooking dinner.

For so you can learn while you cook nutritious,

Wonderful meals for your family.

See,

I should I should get a sponsorship from some like cooking show.

Sarah,

How are you,

Sarah?

I love it.

I love all you people popping in.

Thank you so much.

It makes my night makes me happy to see you guys pop in.

It's like,

Hey,

My friends.

Yes.

So this you know,

This topic pops up.

It's popped up regularly for years.

Because we just and you know,

In a way,

Lots of people are learning the healthy way,

But then at the same time as so many people are learning the healthy way of giving love and helping one another,

That there's this spiritual awakening is is happening so quickly that what you know,

We have just more and more people awakening and more and more people feeling this urge to to live,

Live differently because,

You know,

It comes in a lot of forms.

And,

You know,

People can be you know what?

I'm not sure people kind of understand what a spiritual awakening looks like,

You know,

And one of the things I've noticed is is that it's it's the the the way it's coming is it's bubbling up within us.

You know,

If you think back many generations of people just working jobs that were they really happy with them?

Did they feed their soul?

No,

Not really.

But I mean,

It was cool.

I mean,

They went to work.

They hung out with their co-workers,

Maybe had a beer or two after work.

They went home.

They chilled with their family.

Life was good.

It was fine.

You know,

That's not the case anymore.

Oh,

Hey,

Susan,

Huge topic.

I'm having breakfast in Australia.

Sweet.

Yeah,

I worked with some people in Australia for a long period of time at once at one given time.

Several years ago,

And that's like 14 hour time difference from the east coast of the US.

So it's it's a big time difference over there,

Which was always interesting to navigate.

So good morning,

Susan.

We have Pam cooking dinner and we have Susan cooking breakfast or eating breakfast.

How cool is that?

So,

Yeah,

So the the spiritual awakening is bubbling up in the way what it looks like.

Is that people what was just good enough isn't good enough anymore.

Like people actually want to feel happy in their day to day lives.

People want to be fulfilled in what they spend their time doing.

People want to have healthy relationships,

Not just maintain the relationship status quo like that.

All this stuff.

That's the spiritual awakening happening.

That's what it looks like.

It's it's bubbling up and it's it's bubbling up in the form of this yearning for more.

This yearning for deeper connection,

This yearning,

Because that's not how people were generations ago.

They they didn't have this yearning.

This yearning is new.

So we have a whole new crop of people yearning to to to everything good.

You know,

That's what the yearning is.

The yearning is for everything good.

Like it's a yearning for to be fulfilled,

Of course,

And they have good relationships and things like that,

Like I mentioned.

But it's also a yearning to help one another.

It's a yearning to be a good person.

You know,

It's that type of yearning is bubbling up.

So what do we have?

We have a bunch of people that want to be good people.

And as a general rule,

People are like this anyway.

It's just now the spiritual awakening is happening and we're like we actually are changing things like we're we're going into our lives and finding new ways to live.

And and this this urge to be a good person is not just some fleeting thing that you can get away with by or you can get rid of or satisfy is a better word.

It's not this fleeting thing that you can satisfy by going and.

And.

Well,

Can you guys hear me?

Chris just said he can't hear me.

If you can post and let me know if you can hear me,

OK.

So it's not it's not just something that you can satisfy by going and,

You know,

Working at a homeless shelter a couple of times a year.

It's this yearning to to be more,

You know,

To to.

To to to really embody this.

OK,

Cool.

Sarah can hear me and.

Louise,

She she could hear me earlier because I was saying her name,

So I'm guessing it might be your computer,

Chris.

So just try the you know,

Try the volume controls maybe.

Or you could always just,

You know,

Turn it off and turn back on.

And then Chavez just posted from YouTube.

With scam posts,

So don't pay any attention to Chavez.

OK,

So where we are is we want to be happy,

We want to be good people,

We want to be loving.

This is very important to us.

There's a very,

Very strong push towards this.

So.

We have people trying to do it.

But the problem is,

Is I know it sounds weird,

But I've been saying it for 10 years.

We don't know how to be good people.

We don't know how to be kind,

Loving,

Good hearted people because it's new.

This this this this urge for us to take love to a whole nother level is new.

So we need to learn from it because generations before us didn't practice this stuff consistently or in really healthy ways even.

So the best example that we have that everybody kind of has stored in the back of their mind,

Unconsciously of what a good person is,

Is Mother Teresa.

You know,

Oh,

It's good to give and it's good to give until your knuckles bleed and to think about yourself as selfish.

And you don't want to be a selfish,

Negative,

Bad person.

You want to be a giving,

Loving,

Good person.

So you just don't pay any attention to yourself and you pay all the attention to everybody else and you give them whatever they want.

And then you'll be a good person.

And this is I mean,

I know it's oversimplified what I'm stating,

But this is kind of what people are doing.

We're we're not paying attention to to to the dynamics of of what how we give and how we help one another.

We're not paying attention because we've never been exposed to it.

So,

You know,

Part of it is that we don't know really what it looks like,

What the dynamic of a healthy give and take,

Helping relationship looks like.

We don't really know what it looks like.

So I'm going to discuss that.

But the other time,

We don't have practice doing it either.

You know,

We don't know what it looks like and we don't have practice doing it.

And so we're just out here just doing things unconsciously where we're you know,

I mean,

It's just when I use the term unconscious,

Make sure your ego doesn't get kicked up because we all live unconsciously.

Sometimes I still live unconsciously.

I catch myself doing unconscious things all the time.

It happens,

You know.

So just because you have unconscious moments and you do things unconsciously in your life does not mean that you're doing something wrong.

Or you're on the wrong track.

That's,

You know,

We've lived in an unconscious society for eons.

This is why the world looks as the way it does.

If we were living consciously,

We would not have war.

If we're living consciously,

We would not have poverty.

Like,

So everything is a result of us not living consciously,

Not living in a way that we should.

So we all,

It's part of how we are down here.

So don't beat yourself up over it.

You know,

So to kind of start diving into it more,

Helping other people,

It's like we have to set limits.

And please,

Guys,

Feel free to to ask questions to to input,

Because like I said,

I have I have zero preparation for this.

So I'm sure it'll be fine and the information will flow.

But sometimes questions can improve that.

So feel free to ask questions and stuff.

So in enabling,

See,

Enabling is helpful because people have been talking about enabling when it comes to addicts.

And there's some truth in this.

So we can use that understanding to kind of get a foothold as to what is healthy when it comes to giving and helping with an addict.

It's the dying.

See,

If something works,

If the dynamic of something works consistently and well,

That means there's a spiritual law underneath it.

That's why it works consistently and well.

And if there's a spiritual law underneath it,

If we can understand the dynamic of the spiritual law,

Then it's going to work every time,

All the time in the microcosm and then the macrocosm and the details of the situation isn't going to matter.

This is one of the things that people when we're talking about stuff like this,

People love going,

Well,

You don't understand this person is really bad.

Well,

This person is really in trouble.

Well,

This person really like there's always an excuse,

You know,

The specifics don't matter.

It's dynamics.

It either works or it doesn't.

And if we're what you know,

What I'm teaching is spiritual law.

So it's going to work every time,

All the time if you implement it.

So this is what we need to do is understand the dynamics.

So the dynamics,

A healthy dynamic is,

Has been shown to us through dealing with addicts.

We can take that same dynamic since it works and apply it to basically every other situation.

Because if the dynamic is true,

Then it's going to work regardless of the situation.

So we have to start viewing situations more from a helping an addict perspective,

Because that's really what we're doing.

We think that the only addiction is drugs and alcohol.

Everything's addictive.

Feeling like a victim is addictive.

Not taking responsibility for your own life is addictive.

So like people do what works.

Why does an alcoholic not fixes life and constantly like,

Like if he has,

Let's assume that an alcoholic has somebody that helps them consistently,

Like gives them money and they end up continuing their drinking because this person keeps bailing them out.

Well,

Why are they doing it?

Why are they doing that?

Because to the outside perspective,

It looks like,

You know,

They,

Their life sucks.

Right to the outside perspective.

So you're like,

Oh,

They're suffering.

So surely they'll change their behavior.

No,

From their perspective,

Yeah,

They might agree that their life sucks,

But from their perspective,

Their main goal,

Even if they're unaware of it,

Is to drink.

So if they're able to continue drinking,

They will make adjustments in any other way that they need to.

They will rationalize whatever they need to.

I know of what I speak.

I did it.

I was an alcoholic.

So,

So like,

You know,

One of the best things I heard is an addict will lower the lower their standards to meet their circumstances.

OK,

So so and everybody does this.

I'm not just talking about addicts.

I'm talking about dynamics.

OK,

So when an addict lowers their standards to meet their circumstances,

What they're doing is they're like,

Oh,

I'll always be able to hold a job.

Oh,

I lost my job.

I can't get another one.

Oh,

Well,

They just go,

Well,

The job market isn't fair out there right now anyway.

Like,

So it's not my fault that I don't have a job.

It's the job market's fault.

So they just lower they just rationalize their standards to meet their circumstances.

OK,

So this is what people do.

And it doesn't matter if they're rationalizing a way to get another drink or if they're rationalizing a way why their mom has to pay their bills for them.

You know,

And what happens to like what happens to an addict?

See,

I love using alcoholics and addicts as an example,

And I love learning so much from my early years in that working with them and being one,

Because it's so good,

Man.

You learn so clearly if you if you just enable an alcoholic or an addict,

What are they going to do?

They're going to die.

That's what they're going to do.

Eventually,

That's usually where it leads.

They either change what they're doing or they die.

Those are the two options.

OK,

So when when that happens,

Like that's why people started understanding enabling,

Because they started understand they started watching their loved ones die.

And after a while,

When somebody started pointing out like your help is actually hurting them because you think you're helping them.

But what you're doing is you're helping them continue on with their poor behavior.

So what that ends up with is death because their poor behavior is killing them.

So do you see how that line is drawn,

Right?

It's the same with other things.

Now,

The difference between alcoholics and addicts as far as these dynamics that we're talking about,

The dynamics are the same.

But the difference between alcoholics and addicts and what we'll label for the sake of argument is normal people,

People without obvious addiction problems.

The difference between them is that their death is slower and not as obvious.

Like they could they could technically they could probably live until they're 70 or 80 years old,

Maybe longer,

And just never do anything with their life and never actually live because they're not in control of their own lives,

Because they they gave up that control to somebody else that's helping them just to maintain,

Just to get by,

Just to exist,

Never to live.

So then they live on the planet for 80 or 90 years and then they die having never lived.

And why?

Well,

Because they had an enabler in their life.

So they never needed to change.

They never they were able to get by without actually doing anything for themselves.

They were able to get by without actually finding what makes their soul feel alive.

What actual joy feels like a lot of them don't even actually ever experienced true love,

Even in a familiar way.

Familial family,

I don't know how to say the word.

You know,

In their family,

They don't actually experience true love,

What they're experiencing is dependency.

You know,

And you can usually see how they that in the way that they treat their family members that's helping them.

You know,

A lot of times these family members that are helping the one that's struggling all the time,

Like the one that's struggling all the time treats them like crap.

Why?

Well,

Because they're resentful and,

You know,

Unconsciously we know the truth,

You know,

Consciously,

Unconsciously,

They're just resentful.

Because this is this person isn't actually helping them.

They're actually helping them stay stuck.

We have to teach people to take responsibility for their lives.

Hey,

Nancy.

Yeah,

We have to teach people to take responsibility for their lives.

And we have to stop allowing people to treat us poorly in the name of us being a good person.

So,

You know,

This is a big thing here and it's probably going to piss some people off.

So I'll definitely say it.

Like,

When you're when you're helping,

When you're enabling somebody,

When you're allowing somebody to crap on you,

It doesn't make you a good person.

And that is unconsciously what you're doing.

You're trying to make yourself feel like a good person.

Because like I said in the beginning,

We all want to be good people.

We really want to be good people.

So like every time we do something that unconsciously makes us feel like a good person,

We get an ego stroke.

So a lot of what has been feeding all of the people out here that are consistently bending over backwards and going above and beyond and being treated like crap and helping people anyway and just helping the same person over and over and over and over.

And even though they keep getting in their way,

Their own way and sabotaging themselves,

The reason people are doing that is because just like the person getting the help is getting something out of it.

The person that you're helping is getting something out of it too.

So the person that you're helping is getting something out of it.

And we know what they're getting.

They're getting what they want to anesthetize themselves so they don't have to change,

Right?

But the person that's giving the help,

Why are they constantly giving help if they see that the help doesn't work?

Why?

Well,

They must be getting something out of it,

Right?

Yes,

They are.

They're getting out of it feeling like a good person.

That's what they're getting out of it.

So this is,

You have to understand what you're doing.

You're feeding your ego.

You're feeding your ego by making yourself feel like a good person by giving to somebody.

Well,

I'm trying,

I really love them,

Though.

I really love them.

So I have to help them.

Yeah,

But you're not helping them.

You're hurting them by enabling them to continue on with their poor behavior.

Well,

Yeah,

Maybe,

But I really,

I can't just let them suffer.

Why?

Well,

Because that would mean that I don't care.

No,

No,

That's not what that means.

Letting somebody suffer,

Letting somebody experience the consequences of their own actions is called teaching them natural law.

That's it.

We're trying to see the reason that we have so many problems in the world is because we're out of alignment with nature.

We're the only species that has a brain that figured out for some strange reason that we,

That nature's laws don't apply to us.

Which is ridiculous.

Nature's laws do apply to us.

And when we're not living in accordance with nature's laws,

We suffer.

So what we're doing when we enable people,

When we're helping people,

Is what we're doing is we're teaching them that they don't have to abide by nature's laws.

And the nature's laws that I'm talking about are just cause and effect.

It's just how nature,

All of nature runs this way.

Always has,

Always will.

So if you have an animal that all of a sudden,

Like let's just take a human brain and put it in other things,

Because it's our human brain that's getting in the way and confusing things,

Right?

So let's say we take our human brain and we put it in a cheetah and the cheetah goes,

You know what?

I don't feel like chasing freaking gazelles today.

I don't wanna.

Why should I have to chase a gazelle?

Everybody else is chasing gazelles.

Let them chase gazelles.

I don't feel like chasing gazelle.

So I'm not going to.

Okay,

Don't.

And then do you think the rest of the cheetahs are gonna like go,

Oh,

You don't feel like chasing a gazelle today?

Well,

I got one.

Come eat some of my food.

No,

They're gonna be like,

Get the hell away from my food,

Man.

If you want some food,

Go chase a freaking gazelle.

It's nature's law.

If you wanna eat,

Eat.

You have to go hunt and then you eat.

You don't wanna go hunt,

You don't eat.

It's that simple.

So if,

Who's chasing a gazelle?

Did you come in late to the con?

It's a cheetah,

Man.

It's a cheetah.

The cheetah is chasing a gazelle.

That's what cheetahs do.

They chase gazelles.

So,

So like,

So if it decides not to go hunting,

Then it doesn't eat.

That's just nature's laws.

I'm sorry,

These comments are making me laugh.

Just happened on and she's like midstream,

Mid flow and Jenny wants to know who's chasing a gazelle.

It's priceless.

Thank you for that.

So let me get back.

This is just so funny to me.

So,

So like,

It's just nature's law.

We're not sitting there going,

Oh,

But I feel bad for that gazelle,

That cheetah because it didn't feel like chasing today.

Oh,

I should,

I should help him.

Look,

He's sitting over there and he looks hungry.

We should,

Hey,

Let's go bring him some food.

And the rest of the cheetah's like,

I ain't bringing him shit.

Like he sat on his ass all day.

He didn't do anything.

He doesn't deserve to eat.

That's nature's law,

Man.

That's just how it is.

See,

You know,

These animals don't think like that because they don't have a human brain.

But if they did,

That's what like,

As long as they stayed in alignment with,

With nature's laws.

That's what we would say.

So this is what a human being would say if we're in alignment with nature's laws,

When somebody is intelligent,

Capable,

Has no physical abilities.

And I mean,

Now,

Granted,

Most of these things that I just said,

Intelligence,

Capable,

No physical abilities,

Disabilities,

Like,

I mean,

Most of that stuff,

You can find ways around too.

I mean,

Let's be honest.

I mean,

You know,

This,

There's a very small percentage of the population that actually can't take care of themselves.

And in nature,

You know what happens?

The pack takes care of them.

That's what happens if they can't take care of themselves,

The pack takes care of them.

But that's the only time the pack takes care of them is if they can't take care of themselves.

They don't allow for laziness or whining.

You know,

Because that's not nature's law.

They're in perfect alignment with nature's law.

So this is how we need to be,

We need to get back in alignment with nature's law.

And it's just nature.

If you know,

We have to,

I think we can even fine tune this with our parenting.

You know,

A lot of it starts in parenting.

It's like we,

You know,

We confuse what parenting is.

It's so popular on Facebook to see and other social media to see people go like,

Oh,

I hope my kid never grows up.

That's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Because it's an example of an unconscious thought.

People say it because it sounds cute.

Oh,

They're so cute.

Hey,

I get it.

I was a parent,

You know,

This time when I,

Man,

My son when he was little and us doing things all together.

I love that.

Nobody loved that more than me.

It was I loved it.

But but at no point did I sit there and say things that make no sense.

Like I would,

I want my child to never grow up.

Like don't even.

I know what you mean.

But put a little bit more thought into the things that come out of your mouth.

Don't say stuff like that.

Don't just please don't say stuff like that.

It's not it's just not healthy.

And what happens is because that stuff gets socially acceptable,

Because remember,

We're in a largely unconscious society.

So people say this stuff that really has no thought behind it.

But it makes us feel warm and fuzzy because we think of our kids as little children.

And then so since we get that little warm and fuzzy feeling,

Then it must be a good thing.

So then we say it and we make memes of it.

And then people actually live their lives pretending that your children shouldn't grow up.

And it's like,

Oh,

My God.

It literally seeps into our behavior because our behavior is largely unconscious.

Your goal as a parent should be able should be to teach your child how to live their life.

Find happiness,

Find joy,

Participate in their own life.

Have confidence in themselves,

Be capable of handling their own life.

That's what you should literally have a goal like that for your child.

And then when when when your heart gets all welled up with with with with sadness because you see your child struggling,

You then maybe you can slow down and you can go,

Okay,

Wait a minute now.

What is my goal?

My goal is to be that to have them be a self-sustaining,

Healthy,

Happy member of society.

Okay,

What should I do to try to get them there?

How should I handle this situation to try to get them to be a healthy,

Happy,

Self-sustaining member of society?

Because that's my goal.

So how do I handle this situation to achieve that goal?

This is the type of stuff we have to ask ourselves.

And when you slow down,

When you actually have a goal,

And you know what you're trying to accomplish,

And you're not caught up with this unconscious,

He's so cute.

Yeah,

But I think he's,

I think he's really trying to find a job even though he hasn't had one in five years.

I think maybe,

Maybe,

Well we talked last weekend and I think he really gets it now.

No,

He doesn't.

He doesn't.

He's playing you.

If a situation goes on for five years or two years,

You're being played.

And you're not helping,

You're enabling.

This is what you are doing.

You are enabling them.

And by enabling,

You are blocking them.

You are literally blocking your child from experiencing,

Like the cheetah.

If somebody came over and gave the cheetah food,

What would happen?

What would happen if,

If the other cheetahs gave this cheetah food?

Do you think it would start going,

Maybe I should start hunting again?

No,

It's going to be like,

Cool,

I get to sit on my ass all day,

And people bring me food.

This is awesome.

Why would he change his behavior?

He's getting what he wants.

This is what we have to understand.

If you're,

If the person is getting what they want,

Why would they possibly change their behavior?

There's no reason to.

And we're too busy running around throwing pillows on the floor all the time,

Making sure nobody gets hurt.

I don't want,

I'm a kind,

Loving person.

I don't want anybody to get hurt.

You can't prevent that.

Being a kind,

Loving person has nothing to do with whether other people experience suffering or not.

Like,

Who are you,

God?

You get to control who suffers and who doesn't.

I mean,

Get off the horse here.

Do you see when you stop looking at this stuff realistically,

It literally doesn't make sense.

So it's like,

You have to understand that this stuff,

When you're enabling somebody,

You're literally holding them back from experiencing suffering.

And you think that that's good.

It's not good.

That's the very thing that once they experience it,

Once the cheetah gets hungry enough,

Guess what it starts chasing?

Freaking gazelles.

But he doesn't do it until he's hungry enough.

So this is what we're doing.

We're blocking people from their own suffering,

Which induces their change.

Because when do people change?

Because they're bored on a Tuesday?

This is what I say about people.

I say that about life coaching.

Nobody hires me because they're bored on a Tuesday.

No,

People hire me because they're sick of living the way that they've been living.

And they want a new way.

What's that called?

Suffering.

It's called suffering.

So when they're sick of suffering,

When they're sick and tired of being sick and tired,

And they're sick and tired of hearing themselves complain and nothing ever changes,

And then they finally want to make a change,

That's when they hire a life coach.

So what would happen if everybody just prevented,

Tried preventing everybody else from suffering?

Because what happens is,

Picture somebody you're enabling in any way,

Shape,

Or form.

Picture them.

So are they happy with their life?

Of course not.

They're depending on you.

They're not in touch with themselves.

They're not in touch with their inner desires.

They're not in touch with what brings them joy.

They don't have the confidence that they need to go out and get it.

They're not ready to change anything because they're dependent on you.

And they've just swallowed the pill that they're incapable and they need you to take care of them.

So that's just their reality and they're sitting in it and they're never going to break out of that without suffering.

You know,

And I'm going to go hardcore here for a second.

It's like when you're dealing with drugs and alcohol especially,

And sometimes depression,

Sometimes people are going to die.

If you don't help them,

Sometimes they're going to die.

But when they die,

That's their fault.

That is nature.

That is a natural reaction to them not being in alignment with nature.

They didn't take care of themselves.

They didn't do what they needed to do.

They were pouring poison into their body and eventually they died.

Sometimes that happens.

But what I'm telling you is it's going to happen a hell of a lot less if you stop enabling them.

How do we know this?

Because it's been proven with addicts and alcoholics.

That's why enabling has caught on in that genre.

People that know nothing about alcoholics and addicts absolutely know nothing about them.

They know about enabling.

Why?

Because there's truth to it.

That's why.

So when there's truth to something,

It spreads and people hear it and they,

Oh,

Something inside of them,

It triggers that.

They go,

Oh,

There might,

Must be some truth to that.

Yeah,

And it catches on and other people not even affiliated with recovery programs find out about it.

Right?

It's because there's truth to it.

So,

You know,

Like what I don't know if you're dealing with an alcoholic or an addict especially,

I mean,

Most other people probably aren't going to die,

But some of those people will die.

They will.

That's what happens.

Addicts and alcoholics die.

You know,

I'm one of the fortunate ones.

I made it out.

How?

I don't freaking know,

But I did.

But what I'm saying is you can't enable somebody and expect them to change.

So like if you enable an addict or an alcoholic,

They,

The odds of them dying go up dramatically.

Why?

Because they're not going to try to find something to do differently.

That's why.

So if they don't do anything differently,

Then they're going to continue with their addictive behavior.

Then they're more likely to die.

But if you stop the enabling,

Well,

Might they die?

Yes,

They still might die,

But the odds go down dramatically.

You can't control whether somebody else lives or dies.

What you can control is the odds.

And enabling them hurts the odds.

If you don't enable them,

The odds of them getting help go up dramatically.

Why?

Because of the same reason anybody does anything in this world.

Because when they experience enough suffering,

They go,

Huh,

Maybe my way isn't working.

Maybe I need to do something.

I didn't get help until I was homeless.

I couldn't keep a job.

I was carless.

I was always able to keep a roof over my head,

A car,

You know,

Wean off alcohol,

Even if it took me two or three weeks,

Four weeks,

I could eventually wean off.

I had to get to the point where I could not wean off on my own.

I couldn't.

I couldn't go from 12 beers a day down to 11.

I could not make that jump.

Otherwise,

My body went into detox.

My body was shutting down.

I was dying.

My son was 1400 miles away from me.

I was homeless.

Couldn't hold a job.

That's when I woke up.

And you want to know something I know for sure?

I don't know exactly how I woke up.

I don't know where this yearning for something different came,

But I know that it didn't come before I suffered that much.

I know that it didn't come if anybody helped me.

I didn't I know that I never went seeking a different way of living when I still had a roof over my head.

You know,

And it's not just me,

I was knee deep in AA for eight years sponsoring and taking people through the big book I did.

You know,

I was knee deep in that for eight years,

And I've been knee deep in kind of out of it with everybody else,

Including somatics and alcoholics,

Of course.

But for the last 10 years,

And I'm here to tell you is there is very little difference.

The only difference is when an alcoholic or an addict is in their behavior,

It's more obvious.

And when they break left and really dive into their dysfunctional ways,

It's more obvious.

All the other people are doing the same exact types of behaviors.

It's just not so obvious.

But the dynamic is the same.

So,

Let's see.

And let me know if you guys want me to touch on anything else.

I'm going to go take a moment and just look at some of these comments that were coming in.

Chris,

I cannot tell you how I needed to hear that I'm going through with kicking my father.

Yeah,

Your dad's.

He refused.

He's 54 and refuses.

Yeah,

Well.

Yeah,

You,

You know,

I mean,

There.

So here's a heat.

You know,

We're going to.

I spent a lot of this time explaining stuff so you know this is that was actually good because you gave me a good segue into the solution.

So what's the solution right,

You know,

I mean I of course I touched on it a little bit here and there but.

But the solution is,

You know,

Like if somebody comes to you for help,

Then don't say yes.

Okay.

Don't just say yes.

Stop for a minute we have to live consciously we have to think about what we're doing and repercussions of what we are doing,

You know,

And how it's going to affect this person that is being a loving caring person.

You want to be a loving caring person,

Then actually be one.

Stop slow down,

Don't just react emotionally Oh this suffering I'm going to help them.

Oh,

Good.

Congratulations on your enabling.

No,

If you really want to be a good person slow down and think things through and act consciously act in a way that actually makes sense of you getting what you want,

And possibly possibly even helping people,

Because sometimes people do need help.

So,

When you're looking at this what you need to do is,

If they want a place to live,

If they want money,

If they want your energy,

Driving them places whatever whatever they want.

And if you want to help them.

Well,

Get clear on exactly how much you're going to help them.

Lay out the parameters before take some time,

Think about it,

And write it down and and have them sign it.

This is slowing the brain down and really getting conscious about what they're doing because if you're if somebody really needs your help and you go okay,

I'll tell you what.

I have my own life,

You can stay here but you can only stay here for six months.

That is this day.

So this day,

Like that doesn't mean when that date hits you start looking for a place,

That means your ass isn't in this house on that day.

That means the day before your ass has to be in a different house,

You know,

And you can say it nicer than this,

You guys know how I talk now.

You can be courteous,

I just talked that way just to make a point or whatever.

So,

You have to be out that day and then you stand by that boundary.

You have to set boundaries with people that you're trying to help.

You know,

If there's a certain amount of money.

Okay,

You know what,

I'll tell you what,

I can give you,

You know,

$50 a week for three months.

But that's it.

That's all I'm going to do.

We have to be responsible for our own lives.

This is how this bleeds into too,

Like,

Like a lot of times people let their own life,

Like they can't pay their bills because they're giving.

So ironic to me.

But this is okay.

Everybody slow down for a minute.

Okay,

Think about this.

This is about somebody taking responsibility for their own life right in one way,

Shape or form.

And the interesting part about this is that in teaching other in trying to teach somebody else how to be responsible for their own life.

What we're doing is we are exemplifying,

We are showing them by our own example,

How to not take be responsible for our own lives.

That's what we're doing.

And then we wonder why our kid isn't responsible for theirs,

Because we're not responsible for ours and we're showing them that.

How by giving your kid money and you can't pay your rent,

Because,

Because you gave your money to your kid and then you wonder why your kids are responsible.

That's your money to pay your rent and you're not doing it.

That's irresponsible.

And instead,

Instead you're over here trying to be a good person,

Giving it to your kid.

I'm just trying to help.

Just trying to be a good person.

No,

You're enabling him.

You're teaching him not how not to be responsible,

How to be an irresponsible person,

And you're being irresponsible yourself on top of it.

And you're showing him how to be irresponsible.

You can tell I have a son because when I talk about children,

A lot of times I use the him,

You know,

The male version,

Of course,

You know,

I'm just spouting.

It applies to all genders.

So set up boundaries with this stuff.

If you're going to help somebody put parameters on it,

Let them know what the parameters are upfront.

And yeah,

If this is a repeat offender where they always need help,

Have them sign something,

Man.

And if they are in your house and they're supposed to be out on that day,

Like you have to know ahead of time what the consequences are going to be.

And if this is somebody that stayed in your house and like refused to leave when you asked him to leave,

You better be damn well ready to call the police.

And I don't give a crap if it's your kid or your father or your grandmother.

Like,

I mean,

If there is a time set and they're not they're just sitting on their ass.

And I mean,

You know,

Hey,

Let's I'm all about being reasonable.

I know I'm talking hard,

Hard,

You know,

Love here,

Tough love,

Whatever.

But like,

You know,

I'm all for being reasonable.

You know,

If you have an agreement with somebody for,

You know,

Six months.

And they're busting their ass and they're doing everything right and just nothing's falling into place or things are falling into place.

But like they need twelve hundred dollars for a frickin security deposit on a new place and they only have a thousand dollars and letting them stay another two weeks would like,

You know,

That's all they need.

Well,

Then fine.

You know,

I think you can be reasonable.

You can make adjustments,

But you can't continually make adjustments.

And you have to see progress.

You have to see them actually doing something if they're laying down stairs on the you know,

On your couch all day and they're like,

Geez,

It's a month before I'm supposed to be out.

But I don't think I'm going to make it.

It's like,

Yeah,

It's because you haven't done anything.

So.

So now you just pissed away five months and now you have one month left.

That's not a lot of time.

I really suggest you bust your ass because it's going to be on the street in a month.

You know,

That's the deal.

I will help somebody if they are,

As long as it's not,

I'm not being irresponsible with my life.

I will help them if they're helping themselves.

If they're not helping themselves,

Then see,

I have no interest in helping you.

Because I can't live their lives for them.

And it's just enabling.

Why should I,

Why should my life suffer?

I do what I'm supposed to do.

Why should my life suffer?

Because somebody else isn't doing what they're supposed to be doing.

Oh,

I'm not loving because of that.

I'm not a good person.

I'm supposed to sacrifice my life when I'm doing what I'm supposed to.

And I'm supposed to give the stuff that I've earned over to somebody else that is sitting on their ass not doing anything.

And that makes me a good person?

No,

It doesn't.

I just saw that.

Who's chasing a gazelle comment again?

It just made me laugh.

That was the best.

Why did I feel like you had this conversation?

I probably had.

I'm sure I had versions of it many years ago,

But nothing,

Nothing recent,

You know.

Since I'm not a parent,

I don't relate to these issues with children,

But I do see the same patterns with friends.

I wish I knew how to help.

There we go.

This is just like everything else.

Do not get stuck on the situation.

It doesn't matter if you're talking about a kid or a friend.

You know,

It's the dynamic.

This is,

You know,

Like,

Like,

You know,

People that listen to my podcasts,

They listen to them because they like the way my brain works and they like the way that I see things and they like the way that I articulate things.

And,

But a lot of times people don't understand it.

Right.

So the best way I can understand it,

And the reason I'm saying this is because I think it's helpful for all of you to try to implement this in your lives the best way possible.

Try to implement this.

You know,

It's,

We learned it in recovery,

You know,

In recovery they say,

Identify,

Don't compare.

So what that means is when you're sitting at an AA meeting,

For example,

If you're,

And there are speakers there and you're listening to them.

What people often do is they compare,

They go,

Oh,

This person totaled seven cars like I banged up one once.

I'm not as bad as they are,

Or this person,

Their spouse left them and the kids won't talk to them.

I'm not like that.

I mean,

I'm still in with my family.

Like that's not the point.

You know,

That's comparing is,

Their story isn't exactly the same as mine so we're not the same.

No,

That's,

That's comparing stories.

What you have to do is try to identify with what's being said.

What that means is identify with the emotions,

Identify with the dynamics.

So when somebody says,

You know,

I totaled seven cars,

And I just rationalized it because,

And I kept drinking.

And then,

And you go,

Oh well I didn't total seven cars but I have rationalized my drinking.

Okay,

So that's an identify.

So you identified with that person.

So you made a connection with what they were,

The point of what they were saying,

Not the specifics.

We get caught up in specifics way too much.

And every one of my clients will tell you,

I do not listen to people babbling about their specifics because they don't matter.

And it's a waste of my time and it's a waste of their money paying me to sit there listening to a bunch of specifics that have nothing to do with the situation.

It's dynamics.

So it doesn't,

You know,

So practice teaching your brain how to just try to identify with what's being said and it's like,

Oh,

You know like,

Sarah you said,

Like,

You see the same patterns with friends that's identifying so that's perfect you identified right.

Instead of compared.

I'm not a parent I didn't relate to the issues with children that's comparing.

So you've got both right here,

But I do the same,

See the same patterns with friends,

That's identifying.

So that's so just practice feeding,

Identifying and dismissing the comparing who cares,

You know,

Who cares what I'm saying.

I'm just some guy,

You know,

One of the,

The,

The.

I'm used to it,

For the most part,

But,

But if you really asked me what the hardest part of my job is it's probably finding words to try to express spirituality,

Because spirituality is too big,

You know,

So this is why I talk about my own personal experiences,

And I talk about life situations,

And I know that all you know everybody's gonna have different life situations.

I understand that,

But what I'm hoping people do is just pay attention to the dynamics of the,

The situation that I'm talking about and then see how that dynamic fits into your situation.

You know,

And if you do that man,

Like,

You're going to be able to figure all this stuff out,

You know,

It's going to be very,

Very helpful.

So,

And,

You know,

If,

If there's.

I'm going to go a little longer so Sarah if there's anything that's like specific you want to throw out there I'm going to try to touch on that,

But if there's anything specific you want to talk about let me know.

Hey Dana,

Thank you.

Enabling isn't always thought of when someone loves the person.

The addicts are master manipulators.

Yes,

And thrive on convincing people.

We had to cut off a couple of friends.

Once we realized that was enabling.

Yes.

It's,

This is necessary,

You know,

Like,

And I mean I was there man I know I see this is the benefit I have I've been on both sides.

I was the one that,

You know,

Like,

Was I crashed it.

That's Natalie that had put that I crashed at Javen's house.

I'm not Javen's house,

Josh's house for a few days,

Crashed at Dave's house for a few days,

Like,

Like,

You know,

But that was a few days they didn't enable me,

They didn't let me move in.

Thank God,

You know,

But I've been there man.

I've been on the side where,

In hindsight,

I didn't know I was doing it addicts and alcoholics,

And Javen's house.

I've been on the side where,

In hindsight,

I didn't know I was doing it addicts and alcoholics,

And these other people that we don't label as addicts or anything that are just,

You know,

That are just feeding off people.

They think they're a victim of the world,

Everybody's victim and,

You know,

Like,

And I believe that was a victim.

Like,

Most people you put somebody in a room with me for an hour,

They'd be like,

Glenn should drink.

I mean,

I know when I went in there I didn't think he should be drinking because he obviously has a problem,

But after listening to him for an hour explain all this horrible things that life has thrown at him and why he has no other choice.

And I'm like,

Wow.

Now I'm on his side I was a master manipulator because I believed my own BS,

Which most people do,

They're lost in their way of thinking.

So you're not going to have a conversation with most of these people and then they go,

Oh,

Oh well thank you.

I was a victim of life for the last 10 years but it turns out that I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and just go out there and give it the old college try thanks for that pep talk,

Gotta go.

It ain't gonna happen man.

They need to suffer they need to hit bottom,

Unfortunately,

And if they don't need to suffer and hit bottom,

Even better.

But what they don't need is to be enabled,

I can guarantee you that because that just perpetuates the pattern.

Yes,

That's it now have a have a plan have a plan with boundaries.

This is it.

Hey Aaron.

I haven't seen Aaron on here,

At least in a while.

Nice to see you.

Yes,

So it's,

You know,

This is,

It's the dynamics.

You are not a good person by just allowing people to continue a pattern of poor behavior.

That's not a good person that's not loving.

It's not kind,

It actually is keeping people stuck.

You know,

Another,

Another way that this happens is so that this is kind of coming out from a completely different perspective but it's the same dynamic.

Okay,

This is what I mean I want you guys to get the dynamic.

So,

The,

Like,

I have this conversation with bosses,

Often,

Because they have an employee,

Right,

Like if you have an employee that that is not doing their job well.

I'm a huge fan of giving them all the help that that you can give them the training necessary have talks with them,

Support them,

All that love,

Lee stuff,

Do it.

Absolutely.

You know,

I believe in being a good person.

But when the moment hits,

When you realize that this person is not made to do that job.

Like you've given them all the support and they just can't catch on.

You should fire that person or move them to another job if you have the ability,

Something,

But what these bosses do is they're like,

Well,

I don't want to fire them because you know,

I mean everybody has bills to pay.

It's like yes,

But you're enabling them to stay in a job that they shouldn't be doing because they suck at it.

There's no better way to know if somebody should be doing a job or shouldn't be doing a job than if they suck at it.

We are all good at certain things.

If you suck at something,

You probably shouldn't be doing it.

That's your sign.

No,

I mean,

After you've put in the effort to learn and to try to get out and you just still it's just still not like it's not your thing,

Man.

Face it.

Look at it and go,

Oh,

Well,

You know,

Maybe I thought I wanted to be an accountant,

But I suck with numbers.

Oh,

Okay.

Well,

What's similar to accounting,

But doesn't have numbers?

It's like organizational work.

So maybe like maybe I could start a business like organizing people's closets or organizing people's lives.

Maybe I could do that.

Yeah,

Okay,

Cool.

See,

You were drawn to accounting for some reason,

But you ain't good at it because you suck at numbers.

So you can't be an accountant if you suck at numbers,

But you like an aspect of accounting,

That's why you were drawn to it.

So figure out what you were drawn to.

Oh,

Organization.

Oh,

Okay,

You like things in order in a certain way.

Okay,

Cool.

How can you do that in another area?

You see,

This is the type of stuff when we use critical thinking and we just look at things honestly and stop trying to square a freaking round peg in a square hole.

Stop it,

Man.

It doesn't work.

But we think we're being a good person because we don't fire them.

No,

What you're doing is you're actually hurting two people,

Three people,

More because you're hurting your company,

You're hurting their co-workers,

You're hurting yourself,

You're hurting them because they're not out looking for their next job that they might actually enjoy.

And you're also blocking somebody that would be really good at that job and take joy in it from getting that job because you got some meathead there that sucks at it.

Do you see the dynamics?

It's not an alignment.

We're not supposed to be doing things that we suck at.

We're not supposed to be enabling people to do jobs that they suck at.

It's just not natural.

You know,

Like,

I mean,

You don't have turtles freaking chasing gazelles,

Do you?

No,

Why?

Because they suck at chasing gazelles.

Because they're too freaking slow.

But if they were human,

You'd have like a freaking turtle group going,

Well,

We have the right to chase gazelles too.

You should let us.

All right,

Go ahead.

You're gonna freaking starve.

I'm getting a kick out of the animal analogies tonight.

So,

You know,

I know I've mentioned this before briefly,

Check out the course that I have on online,

You know,

You go to my places,

You can find it or email me,

Whatever.

But it's,

You know,

It's all about living from love.

And it can help you in a lot of ways because I'm taught we're talking about love here.

You know,

I know that I came at this all different ways.

But the point is,

Is really what I really want is I want people to learn how to love in healthy ways.

I want people to learn how to help one another in ways that actually provide a solution.

You know,

One of the so you know how I said that this dynamic works in the microcosm and the macrocosm because it's spiritual law.

Well,

Here's the here's the macrocosm.

Like what we what we've been doing for poverty around the world is throwing money at it and food.

So what we do is we go,

Oh,

These people are starving.

Oh,

No,

I feel bad for them.

Okay,

Let's give them food.

Okay,

So we drop off a bunch of food and that's what we do.

We just throw money and food at things.

And and we do it in our personal lives.

That's called enabling.

Right.

We're throwing some we're throwing a place to stay or food or money at a problem.

And the problem never changes,

Just like in the macrocosm.

If you have people starving in the middle of the desert,

Giving them food,

Guess what they're going to do next week?

They're going to be starving until what you give them more food.

This is why it doesn't solve the problem.

Now,

I'm not saying that we should stop giving these people food.

What I'm saying is we should have a long term plan,

Just like we were talking about earlier,

A plan with specifics and boundaries in it.

So what we should do is we should go over there.

And,

You know,

There's many things that that this is actually done.

It's called philanthropy.

This is why philanthropy actually works well.

So we go over to an area,

We get the indigenous people to be a part of the solution.

Why?

Because they need to get off their ass and do something too,

Is part of their solution,

Because then they're more invested in it and it's their life.

So you get the indigenous people involved in the solution.

Of course,

You know,

The purpose of you being there is you're probably teaching these indigenous people how to grow food in a certain way that you know that they didn't know.

So of course you're teaching them,

But you have to take into consideration the surroundings,

Their culture.

You have to get their input,

Right?

Which a lot of times you don't have to do with somebody that's manipulating you.

But the specifics are a little bit different,

Right?

So you have to make slight adjustments,

But the dynamic stays the same.

So what you do is you go in there and you go,

Hey,

You know,

We got a ton of food because I know you're hungry.

So start munching on that.

After dinner,

What we'd like to do is like help,

You know,

Sit down,

Talk with you and figure out a plan so that you and your future generations never have to experience this again.

OK,

We have a way of doing it and we'd like your input on it.

And then you put together this thing about,

You know,

It might take a year,

Two years,

Whatever.

And you build this thing out there and then all of a sudden they're capable of growing their own food and they're no longer starving.

And the problem is no longer in that area.

That's solving a problem.

That's called philanthropy.

This is what this is.

It's a self.

You have to build a self-sustaining system.

So the problem is actually gone,

Not just,

You know,

Just just treated for a month at a time with more money.

So this it's the same dynamic.

What we have to do.

There's nothing wrong with helping people.

It's not like,

You know,

Do you see that sometimes looking at things in a macrocosm helps you see the things in the microcosm clear.

So in the macrocosm,

You can see how that could actually solve a problem and throwing money at it doesn't help anything.

It just perpetuates the problem.

Right.

So then but you create a solution and you have them do the work.

So they're invested in the solution and then they go.

And you know what?

If you build them this beautiful farm and they're growing food for like five years and then all of a sudden they decide,

I feel like sitting on my ass and getting those food shipments in again.

Well,

Then you've got to let them die.

I'm sorry.

Because they're not in alignment with nature.

Don't you don't just keep giving them when they have a perfectly good way of feeding themselves and they decide to sit on their ass.

Well,

I'm sorry.

There's you're going to have to let some of them die until they figure out,

Geez,

They're not doing anything.

They're not sending us any food.

Look,

Our people are dying.

We better get off our ass and get this thing rolling again.

Yes,

There you go.

See,

Suffering teaches.

If you're not willing to learn any other ways,

We don't have to suffer to learn.

But we often do because we don't until we suffer enough,

We don't open up our eyes and stop looking for another way of being.

So understand that you're not helping them.

Actually support them in becoming something.

Give it a plan that they participate in and then they'll actually start feeling good about themselves because they enjoyed what they participated in.

You know,

It's like these people obviously have low self-esteem and don't think very much of themselves if they're depending on somebody else.

So this is what we need to feed.

Hey,

You know what?

You are good enough.

You can do this.

No,

I'm not.

Yeah,

You are.

I want to hear it.

Don't sit down and argue with them for 14 weeks.

You can do it.

Look,

You want to have conversations and sit down for an hour a night?

I'm in.

Let's let's sit there.

Oh,

What do you like?

I like the color blue.

OK,

Jobs that start that involve the color blue.

Oh,

Well,

You could frickin tie dye shirts.

You want tie dye some shirts?

You can call it blue tie dye.

You can make a whole frickin business around it.

My point is,

You know,

Get try to get them doing something.

And if they don't,

That's helping them.

That's boosting their self-esteem.

That's boosting their self-confidence,

Getting them participating in their own lives and then their own solution.

That's how they're going to feel better about themselves.

That's how this isn't going to be a problem.

Five or 10 years down the road is if they feel better about themselves.

So that's what you want to feed.

But if they refuse it,

You've got to sit back and let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

Helping them is just perpetuating them living or dying,

Living a crappy life or just plain dying.

And that,

You know,

You know,

That doesn't make you a good person.

And,

Yeah,

Nancy,

This is exactly what I was talking about.

You give them a fish,

You feed them for a day.

You teach a man to fish,

You feed him for a lifetime.

That's the dynamic.

This is the dynamic that we're talking about.

So that,

Thank you,

Nancy,

That just simplifies it,

Brings it right down.

And you take that mentality,

That dynamic and apply it to everything.

And you can't go,

Yeah,

But it's my child.

That's emotionality.

Love for a child is a wonderful thing.

It is the emotions.

Emotions have a purpose.

Making intelligent decisions is not the purpose of an emotion.

That's the purpose of a logical brain,

Making intelligent decisions.

When you bring in emotion,

It clouds the vision.

It clouds up your brain and you can't see things clearly.

That's how it works.

If I've ever had a problem in the last 18 years,

Guess where it's been?

It's been with either,

You know,

Somebody I cared about deeply or my business.

Why?

Because it's the most,

Those are the things I care about the most.

I care about my business.

I care about my son.

I cared about women I was in relationships with.

I care about my family.

So if I made a mistake anywhere,

It was around those topics.

Why?

Because there's emotion around and it clouds my vision just like everybody else.

We have to pull,

We have to learn to pull back from that and use our brain to make our decisions on what we're going to do,

Not our emotions.

Our emotions are there for a different purpose.

So there.

So this has gone on way longer than even most of my podcasts,

So I'm going to wrap it up now.

But thank you guys.

Thanks for tuning in.

Thanks for watching.

And you know,

The hard shot is that,

You know,

You're the people that are enabling,

You're feeding your own ego.

You're just not seeing it clearly.

You think you're being kind and loving,

But you're actually setting people up for failure.

You're basically ensuring that they continue to fail.

Why?

Because,

Because you're just,

Because they're not experiencing the consequences of their actions and that's natural law.

This is what this is how everything functions on this earth.

You know,

If you don't do something,

Then you experience something you don't like.

If you don't do something you're supposed to do,

Then you suffer.

Oh,

Okay.

Well,

Let's not let them suffer.

Well,

How is he going to know what he should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing then?

If there's no,

If there's no consequences for his actions,

How is he going to learn what he's supposed to do?

He's just going to sit in his room and play video games.

That's what he's going to do.

All right.

That'll do.

Thank you guys.

Loving it.

Thank you for the,

All the interaction.

It was awesome tonight.

I appreciate that.

So let me know if I can help.

And,

And I think that will do it.

Let's see.

Yeah,

That's it.

All right.

Peace.

Love.

Happy Love Day,

Everybody.

This was actually about love and it is Valentine's Day.

So happy Love Day.

Looking for more?

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Reviews

Truthful and 100% what I needed to hear.
Know I’ll see if I can put it in play.

I love the real life examples that help make your points about natural law/spiritual truths.
Showing the macro and microcosm analogies help make your points. It clarifies and realizing when people are comparing stories instead of identifying was good.
Such good to show the damage that enabling actual fuels and how it is the opposite of loving and being a "good person", so needed to be shared. Thank you!
Yet the image of turtles chasing gazelles ...I busted out laughing!!
Priceless.

BRAVO!! Thank you for renforcing the right way to handle things!

I wish the talk wasn’t so long. Imo- excellent talk though. It ties in somewhat to your talk on givers and takers. The giver has to set the boundary because the taker just takes. Thank Glenn 🙏