Filling The Hole

From time to time, we all end up having that feeling of having a hole inside of ourselves. In this episode, Glenn discusses the ways we fill it, and healthy ways to avoid it being detrimental to our relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hey everyone,

Welcome to the show.

Today we are talking about what we'll call as filling the hole or the gap within us.

Ooh,

I like this episode already.

It's very exciting right out of the box.

Yeah.

So yeah,

This is basically,

You know,

We've all heard about the hole,

A hole within us,

Or experienced the feeling of like that there's a hole within us and that we need to fill.

Or like an emptiness.

Like,

You know,

Something,

A yearning that maybe we're not complete or we're missing something.

You know,

That's the hole that I'm talking about.

And I mean,

Oftentimes,

You know,

It depends which way you come at this.

I mean,

It can be,

We can phrase it different ways.

Because it's difficult to phrase things in spiritual terms and actually say the truth 100% of what it is.

So you can kind of,

You know,

We use our words like pointers towards what it is,

But none of them are actually it because it's spiritual.

So like,

You know,

One way is,

You know,

We can say that we feel incomplete,

But yet we are complete.

So how do we get ourselves to feeling complete when we're feeling incomplete?

Also,

Often ways,

You know,

We have experiences as children or earlier in our lives.

So we can have that hole and feel that it's from not loving ourselves,

From not getting what we needed.

You know,

People will have like abandonment issues from parents and situations.

And,

You know,

So we've got this hole within us.

And,

You know,

I've said this before,

I think people understand that we're not supposed to be blaming our parents,

Which is for our stuff,

Which is wonderful.

But oftentimes people stop there when it comes to their inner work.

So they go,

You know,

Oh yeah,

In my childhood my parent was always gone or they weren't very loving,

So their love was always at a distance or something like that.

So,

You know,

They didn't give me what I needed.

And they go,

But it's not their fault.

They tried their best.

They did their best.

Which is wonderful because that's true.

They did do their best.

But then we stopped there.

And it's like,

Well,

What about that hole inside of you though?

What about that child that didn't get what they needed?

Like,

What are you going to do about that?

It's wonderful that you're not blaming your parents for creating it.

But what are we going to do to,

You know,

What are you doing to fix it?

What are you doing to fill it?

So that's like the next step that a lot of times people don't go to.

So that's what we're going to try to talk about today.

Fill that bad boy.

All right.

So like,

What are signs that you can look at to recognize what that hole is for you?

Well,

It's a lot of times understanding of the past is helpful,

But it's not necessary.

So we don't always have to necessarily know what it is.

You know,

Sometimes it can be helpful because if we look back and we go,

You know,

The hole was from,

You know,

My parents not giving me what I needed.

Okay,

Well then you can throw in a little forgiveness there.

If we look at like maybe past relationships,

Again,

Forgiveness can kind of help because as long as we're locked on it being somebody else's responsibility that we feel like this,

Then we're never going to be getting to the job of really understanding it and filling it.

So sometimes that surface stuff is what I'll call it can be helpful.

But really the point is just knowing that you have it and that you're actually spending a lot of energy trying to fill it.

If you understand that,

You know,

That's really where the clarity comes in.

And most often people try to fill it with,

You know,

That's really a huge aspect of addictions.

Yeah,

I was going to,

As soon as you talked about the topic,

I was going to say that,

You know,

This really reminds me a lot about addiction conversations.

Right.

Yeah.

And it's because that's what people are trying to do is to fill that hole,

You know,

That feeling that something's off.

So alcohol,

Drugs,

Shopping,

And oftentimes people who don't fall into the obviously negative addictions will fall into the addictions of relationships.

You know,

They just try to fill it with somebody else,

Fill it with feeling close intimacy with somebody else.

So that's a,

That might be more common than drug addiction,

You know,

Quite possibly.

There's lots of people trying to,

You know,

The you complete me thing,

You know,

Oh,

Well,

I,

You know,

I don't feel complete.

I don't feel full.

So somebody else will fulfill me.

And that's tricky when you're feeling lonely and when you're not with somebody,

Because like intellectually you can kind of understand that you're supposed to stand on your own.

But yeah,

And you can be complete on your own.

But then you keep thinking about how you feel when you're experiencing things with somebody else and the joy that that brings.

And you go,

Yeah,

But I still want that.

So it's so then we go,

Well,

You know,

Then I'm not interested in looking to be complete on my own because I want to experience things with other people.

And those are two separate things.

So you can have both.

You can be complete on your own and full,

But also really experience a high level of joy experiencing things with other people.

And especially with that someone special,

You know,

It's not either or,

Which in this world a lot of times we think it is.

So we,

You know,

And actually what happens is once you fulfill yourself and you fill that hole,

And if you're with somebody else that fills their hole and they're complete,

Then you've got two people that are complete and you're sharing things in a very healthy way,

Because you're not subconsciously feeding off the other person.

You're not like,

You know,

If you have less and you're taking from them to feel whole,

Then it's you're basically like an energy vampire sucking off of somebody else.

So,

You know,

That that's not that's not a healthy way to be in a relationship,

You know,

Just sucking energy off of each other.

It's,

You know,

That's that's not the ideal.

So so I mean,

You know,

If we look at it that way and,

You know,

We also try to fill it with our children.

A lot of people don't realize that they're doing it until their children get older.

You know,

Once their children are off and they can't put all their attention on them,

And then they're sitting there and going,

Wait a minute,

Now what?

You know,

What do I do now?

You know,

And and they feel that emptiness inside.

So so that's a lot of ways that we,

You know,

Try to fill it,

What it looks like,

Stuff like that.

Now,

I'm just trying to think about what mine is and what I'm filling it with.

Yeah.

And it's probably going to take me a minute,

But I'm sure that I can get there.

Yeah.

So that would go.

Yeah.

And that's that's it.

I mean,

A lot of times if we stop and think about something,

We go,

I don't know.

You know,

I'm never going to figure it out.

I don't know.

But but if you just take a minute,

You will.

You will find it out.

You know,

If you just get still for a minute and just think you'll you'll figure it out.

And again,

It's not even as important to figure it out as to know that it's there.

If you can just identify with some of the things that I've been saying about having a whole and feeling incomplete and looking for something to fulfill you outside of yourself.

If you can identify with that.

Well,

Good.

Then,

You know,

Then you know,

You got one you got kind of clarity that there's an issue there.

So now we can kind of get into what ultimately fills it.

Which.

That's really the meat of this stuff,

The solution.

So really,

You know,

Ultimately what fills it is our connection to our source.

As our source is our source of everything.

It's our source of love.

It's our source of intimacy.

It's our source of safety,

Security.

It's you know,

That's that's our source.

It's supposed to be that's where we're supposed to be getting everything.

And if we have ourselves cut off from that,

Then we're going to feel an emptiness.

And as as we start filling it,

It feels like self-love because that's where it comes from.

You know,

So oftentimes we feel lonely and stuff,

You know,

And that's that's really one of the best.

I don't know,

Triggers or or red flags.

You know,

If we're feeling lonely,

It's because there's there's a lack of connection.

There's a lack of flow of unconditional love coming to us.

And usually we're seeking that from outside of ourselves.

I'm just going to start taking notes.

Yeah.

So tell me more about this.

So what is this of you speak?

What is this loneliness you speak of?

Yeah,

It's well,

You know,

Loneliness and sometimes it can be confused for or enmeshed with our sex drive to a lot of people will do that because,

You know,

We've got a natural sex drive to procreate.

But then also we've got this this yearning for an intimacy that that we want to.

And both of those can be temporarily fulfilled from outside of ourselves.

So we enmeshed them together and stuff.

So so when there's a lack of intimacy in our lives,

It's you know,

This is a good example of of feeling that hole within us,

Because that's I think that that's when it's really the most obvious.

I say,

You know,

People will do it with drugs and alcohol,

But but not most people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol aren't sitting there going,

Well,

You know,

I feel this lack of unconditional love and intimacy.

Like,

You know,

That's why I drink,

You know,

It's not usually that clear of the connection.

But if you're in a relationship and then all of a sudden you're not in one and that's what you associate with love and you're not feeling that,

Then all of a sudden it's like,

Wow,

I really miss that connection with somebody else.

I miss that intimacy with somebody else.

And we we cannot depend on other people.

This is kind of what it means to be whole,

Is that we can't depend on other people to fill us because then we're always taking from them.

So what we need to be is complete on our own.

The way we can do that is connect to our source and our source is our source of everything.

So it's unconditional love.

So,

You know,

Every time you feel lonely,

Every time,

You know,

When you're feeling lonely,

What you're yearning for is intimacy.

So if you can just sit there and connect,

Get still and feel the love from your source,

From your creator,

Which generally if you come into the present moment and you pay attention to your heart area,

You'll feel a calmness,

A stillness,

A peacefulness,

A warmness,

Like a lovingness.

That's unconditional love.

And we have access to it all the time.

Unconditionally,

Always.

So when we connect to that,

And if we do that on a regular basis,

When we're feeling that hole open and all of a sudden we just fill it with the intimacy that is of the unconditional love from our source that's always available and always there,

That fills us up and then we kind of get used to it.

Then all of a sudden what happens is you stop being lonely.

Because,

You know,

Like if you're in a relationship and,

You know,

A long trusting relationship that you can count on,

That's always there,

It's been there for a long time.

And all of a sudden you go,

Oh,

I'm lonely.

And you think of that person,

You go,

Well,

They're just at work,

They'll be home in a few hours.

All of a sudden you relax,

That loneliness goes away because you know that you have love available to you,

It's around.

It's the same thing with unconditional love.

Like once you just connect to source on a regular basis whenever you're feeling that feeling,

You start to trust that it's always there.

And then that hole isn't there anymore,

It's filled up and you're not sitting there running around feeling lonely.

Know what I'm saying?

I do.

I do believe I know what you were saying.

Good.

Yeah,

It's the,

So really we have to understand that we're basically self-contained units as long as we're connected to our source and then when we're full and you're with somebody,

What you're experiencing is not a taking.

You know,

When you're in an intimacy with somebody else,

You're sharing,

You know,

It's just experiencing it instead of one trying to get it from the other.

You're just experiencing unconditional love together instead of trying to fill each other's hole,

You know,

Of lack of intimacy or loneliness.

Instead of trying to fill that,

It's already filled.

So it's just when you experience something from a place of wholeness and fullness,

It's that much more enjoyable because again,

You're not looking to get something out of it.

There's no ulterior motive,

You know,

That well I need to take from this person.

No,

I'm completely full.

It's just pure joy,

Pure… Not that those ulterior motives are always conscious.

No,

And as a matter of fact,

Most of the time they're unconscious.

Yeah.

Most of the time we don't know where and even if you go,

Oh,

Am I trying to… our emotions are so powerful that if you actually were in an intimate moment with somebody and you were like,

Am I trying to take from them?

Your emotions would be going,

No,

It's wonderful.

Yeah.

You know,

No,

I just love them.

It's like,

Okay,

Well what does that mean?

Oh,

I just love them.

Yeah,

Okay.

So,

You know,

It's very difficult cutting through all the thickness of the emotion,

You know,

Because of that.

So it's… but when we're full,

We can really feel the difference.

When you're not lacking anything and you're just in pure state of enjoyment and bliss alone,

It's wonderful.

With somebody else,

It's even more wonderful.

And the key to that would be to make sure that you are filling your own hole first.

Right.

It's like Jesus,

I believe,

Said the whole,

You know,

Take the splinter out of your own eye before you can take the one out of your brother's.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah,

But I think… I literally only know it from the musical Godspell,

So I would go into like a vaudevillian bit right now.

Like my understanding of that message,

Which just does not mean it's true,

It's just the way I always viewed that message,

It's like if you have a problem,

You need to take care of your own problem before you try to solve somebody else's.

Yes.

So that might be a little bit different,

But like I think of it as like you give from the overflow,

Your cup runneth over.

Right.

You know?

So once you fill yourself up with love and that love that's overflowing is spilling over onto other people,

That's the pure,

Unconditional love.

As the great teachers,

Jesus and Ed Sheeran,

Who remember that song that I sent you like a month ago?

Yes.

The song that was all about saving yourself first before you can help anybody else.

The song is called Save Myself,

If you're wondering what I'm talking about right now.

Yeah,

It's a good song too.

It is a good song.

But yeah,

It's the whole point of both of those things.

And it's just this,

Like you have to take care of yourself first.

I mean,

I think that was literally like our second podcast ever.

Maybe.

Was taking care of yourself before you can take care of others.

Yeah.

And that's a similar principle to this.

It is similar.

And so,

Like,

I guess the difference would be take care of yourself so you can love others.

Right.

You know?

So sometimes you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of others.

And then sometimes you have to take care of yourself just so you're capable of just plain loving others unconditionally.

That's one of the most,

I think,

Misused words is unconditional.

You know,

People think that they're loving unconditionally and they're not.

You're not loving unconditionally.

You know,

That's probably why,

You know,

I'll go out on a limb here because I haven't thought this through at all.

I'm going to say it anyway.

You know,

That's probably what happens with most divorces.

It's like,

You know,

I mean,

You don't when you're going out there and one side needs to get something from the other side.

And your relationship is based on that,

Which,

Quite frankly,

Most relationships are if the people are unconscious,

Which is most people.

You know,

I mean,

The majority of our world is still walking around unconscious.

So when we're looking at,

You know,

Our divorce rate,

It's like,

Well,

Yeah,

That's a divorce rate amongst unconscious people.

So what are their relationships based on?

Their relationships are usually based on giving and taking.

But if you have two whole people that don't need to take from each other because they're whole,

Then why would they need to?

It just alleviates most of the problems that relationships,

You know,

Build into.

Oh,

We grew apart.

Well,

Then you needed them.

They were filling something for you that they're no longer filling,

You know,

Is another way to say it.

Whereas if you have two whole people and the relationship is the energy in between those two people,

Kind of like its own separate entity.

And the better,

The healthier each side gets,

The better quality energy is being injected into the energy field called the relationship.

Right,

Because then the relationship is just about the relationship instead of the relationship being about,

You know,

I need you to feel to I need you to do this for me and make me feel special.

And you need me to do that for you.

And then,

A,

If one of you stops doing that,

Then the relationship can die.

But B,

If you stop needing that,

Then then what was the then there's no foundation anymore.

Right.

Yeah.

And so so just kind of what you just said,

You can see how when you start looking at it from this perspective,

You can see how the ground is shaky on most relationships.

It's like,

Well,

Because it's just based in sand to begin with.

So,

Of course,

It's going to be shaky and shifting because,

You know,

It's not a solid foundation.

You know what's funny?

I thought about this at the beginning of the podcast.

Have you ever heard that,

Like a lot of people look for their spouse ends up being a lot of,

Oh,

Hey,

Faith.

Their spouse ends up being a lot similar to whatever parent.

Oh,

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Whatever parent they like wanted the approval of the most or like needed more love from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's I mean,

That we repeat patterns all the time,

As long as they're unconscious.

If we don't understand them,

We're going to repeat them.

And it's yeah,

It's I mean,

People do that.

But no,

What's funny is like I work with people on all different the dogs here,

All different levels of spiritual awareness,

We'll say.

So it's,

You know,

When people can be very aware in a lot of things.

And like I said,

The emotion clouds our vision.

And of course,

We have emotion around people we love,

Our childhoods,

Things that are close to us like that.

So,

I mean,

I can be talking on an in-depth spiritual level with people on a variety of topics,

And then all of a sudden the relationship will come up and be like,

Well,

So which parent was it like that you married or that that that person was in a you were in a relationship with?

And they'll be like,

Oh,

You know,

That's that's cliche kind of thinking,

You know?

Yeah.

And then then all of a sudden we'll have a five minute conversation and they're like,

Oh,

My God,

I married my father.

It's like,

Yeah,

You did.

You know,

I mean,

It happens.

You know,

I got into a relationship.

I was in a relationship with a woman many years ago,

Probably like seven,

Eight years ago.

And I learned a ton during that relationship.

And one of the things that I drew a line with in that learning curve was she had similarities to my father on the love aspect,

You know?

And I was like,

Oh,

OK.

It's so.

Yeah,

Yeah,

It's very interesting.

I think that it's really funny how if it's the if it's the parent you didn't expect.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

If you're like if you're like,

Oh,

Well,

It's clearly like,

You know,

My dad was absent and like,

I don't know.

So like it's going to be the and then like you're like,

No,

This person is exactly like my mom.

What does that say about me?

Yeah.

You know,

The only I've been thinking about this.

The only people that I know of that I really can't think of that is I don't think is my parents.

I don't think that my dad is anything like either of my mom's parents.

In any way,

Shape or form,

I maybe I don't know enough about the subject for them.

And it's childhood based.

Yeah.

So that's a lot of times like 60 years ago.

Right.

And a lot of times,

Especially in previous generations,

You get understand previous generations are not as aware as we are.

So that,

You know,

They they were just taught to shut up and not talk about it.

So,

You know,

There could have been some sort of dysfunction.

Let's say,

You know,

A lot of times we're trying to draw our line from dysfunction to dysfunction from dysfunction.

You know,

When I if something works well,

Sometimes we don't look at that.

So maybe maybe that's what you could look for instead of looking for the dysfunction.

Look at something positive that that your that your father.

As you said that,

I just kind of thought about it.

And I think that,

You know,

My dad probably has some similarities to my maternal grandmother.

OK,

So that who I never met.

So you're right.

So so maybe that's it.

But if there is something detrimental or negative,

Then a lot of times the previous generations,

Especially the previous two generations.

Well,

And then definitely generations prior to that.

But a lot of times they just weren't aware if you were experiencing some sort of dysfunction,

You were like,

You know,

Rub some dirt on it.

Don't talk about it.

This is the way things are.

So you go,

Was anything wrong with your childhood?

And they go,

No,

It was fine.

You know,

We we we had a roof over our heads and food in our belly.

And,

You know,

We knew our parents loved us.

And that's it.

You know,

They never go deeper.

Yeah.

Well,

You knew your parent loved you,

But did they ever tell you?

Well,

No,

No,

You know,

We just weren't like that.

How'd that feel when you were five?

I don't know.

Huh?

So,

You know,

So it's,

You know,

When when you're asking these questions,

You get a or looking at it,

It's like you kind of got to be played,

Give the piece of unconditional.

I mean,

I'm unconscious.

Give that a little piece in the puzzle that you're trying to gain clarity on.

So,

You know,

I think that that's that's.

That's kind of that's going to be a good podcast.

Clarity.

Nice segue.

All right.

So the next so the next episode we should do is probably clarity.

Clarity.

All right.

Yeah.

Because we're unconscious about a lot of things.

There you go.

All right.

So there we go.

So we just segued into another podcast.

So I think that's going to do it.

So really,

To wrap it up,

It's the,

You know,

Filling the hole is one understanding that you are whole and complete as you are.

That's how you are made.

That's what your soul is like.

That's what your true self is.

It is whole and complete.

You know,

So so first you can forgive yourself and others for anything that you might be holding because you didn't damage anything.

You're fine.

You're whole and you're complete.

And then,

You know,

Understanding that it's like it's like a ray of the sun.

I like to envision it as it's like if you see a ray shining of light shining on a grass blade.

If that ray down there is standing there going,

Well,

You know,

I'm self-contained and I bring warmth and minerals and I'm taking care of this grass.

It's like,

No,

You're actually not.

You're connected to the source,

Your source,

Which that rays sources the sun.

And that's where all the warmth and the light and the minerals and everything's coming from.

So it's it's all we have to remember we are connected to source and that is our source of love.

And as long as we're aware of that and we open to it,

We're fulfilled and whole as we are.

And then once we feel that,

Then we can step into some really healthy relationships and really experience joy and a whole new level in a lot of areas in our life.

So that's going to do it.

Thanks for listening and we'll talk at you soon.

Reviews

so true, so true this is really how I would like to build my relationships in the future. Thank your so much! 💖

Great topic! Would love an episode on give to deal with past regrets for things you've done or choices made. How to let them go and move on. I've struggled with this for many years and would love your insights. Thank you!

This is a great talk. I agree that Tapping into our own unconditional love from within ourselves and feeling whole and complete is key to having happy relationships

Really good points. Thanks Glenn and Ben 💜 x

Dear Glenn and Podhost, grateful for this topic and the practical insight offered, Glenn, especially about loneliness, and relationships...poignant during the holidays. Looking forward to hearing what may be the next podcast topic 'Clarity'...(PS I did take umbrage re: the remark about the non-awareness of our parents/grandparents 'consciousness'...I believe training is different than awareness... feelings/resolve may be unrequited rather than unaware). Sending good wishes.

Very helpful when I was feeling very lonely...ty

So finally I know what the enlightened ones mean by the "source" :)
Really appreciate the detail and depth you went into to describe the feeling of that void and the possible reasons it seems from. Your talk just opened up this deep chasm for me to delve into. Thank you 🙏🏼

Excellent podcast.

I listen to many of Glen's insights on this app. This one is again a gem. People should hear this and take note before entering any relationships especially marriage, as the divorce rate would plummet if people saw the light, and understood, before entering. Keep them coming. Namaste 🙏

Such a very important and clearly explained point. We all need to hear and understand this! ☺️ 💟 🙏