Codependency

In today's episode we are discussing codependency. Everyone deals with codependent relationships to some degree. We delve deep into the issues that cause codependency, the effects, and how to improve the relationship for both parties!

Transcript

Welcome to life lessons and laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose Hello there,

Welcome to the podcast today we are talking about something I'm sure nobody has ever heard of codependency Wow,

Do you want a definition of codependency?

I would love a definition of codependency All right,

Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction But I think it's a lot broader than that as well.

Yes,

I would say that it's kind of the norm for most relationships and I think it starts with the tendency when we're not living consciously to kind of have a power struggle within a relationship So when there's a power struggle then one leans on one more than the other and that power struggle just kind of settles into a codependent situation One's more in control and one's more dependent Right,

Now I've never personally been accused of having a codependent relationship Really?

But that being said,

Let's get Dave on this episode of the podcast because I can't do anything without him Yo yo yo!

I heard I was needed and I'm here How clever He's always had a microphone in front of him,

He just doesn't speak on 70% of the episodes Well,

I'm just here in case you need to depend on me I get it Wow,

We are like ripping out the puns So what do you think Dave?

What do you think about codependency?

Well,

It sounds like a bad thing but in practice it sounds like something you can get real comfortable with Yeah,

That's kind of a good point You know,

You can't get comfortable,

We develop what we think is our norm But the codependency,

It's.

.

.

Often times I use the.

.

.

In my own life it was kind of like this,

So maybe that's what bled into it But I use extreme examples to make a point because it's clearer that way So like as it said in there,

The codependency is.

.

.

I think one of the most obvious examples is with addicts Because the addicts are very codependent on the people around them to continue functioning Because if an addict is at the point where they're destroying their lives and they can't live responsibly and take care of themselves Then they're not suffering the consequences because of somebody And often we call them enablers,

Whoever is enabling the addict is allowing them to continue on and not pay the consequences of their own actions So I think that that's the most common or most extreme example that a lot of people are aware of So they lean on one person and the person that they're leaning on,

They're trying to be a good person They're trying to help,

They're trying to be kind,

They're trying to be loving,

They're trying to be helpful But actually what they're doing by sheltering this person from the natural consequences of their actions Is enabling them to continue on the negative path that they're on and never fall In our society,

I've said this many times,

We get in this time and day This time in history we understand that we're supposed to be good people,

We're supposed to be nice But we're still kind of learning what that actually means when we include self-love in it We go,

Oh I'm supposed to be caring,

I'm supposed to care for others Well yes you are,

But not to the detriment of your own life And not to the point where the people around you aren't feeling the consequences of their actions Because then they never change We're running around throwing pillows on the floor so nobody gets hurt But the pain when you're heading in the wrong direction,

The pain of the consequences Is exactly the thing that wakes you up to go,

Wait a minute,

This hurts too much,

I shouldn't continue going in this direction And if we don't allow people to experience the consequences and experience the emotional pain To wake them up and go,

Maybe I shouldn't do this any longer Then we're not helping them,

What we're doing is we're enabling them to continue in the wrong direction Absolutely,

So it makes sense why the person with the,

I don't want to say the person with the problem Because they both have a problem,

But it makes sense why the addict would be dependent on the enabler But let's explore why the,

Because it's codependent So why is the enabler dependent on the addict?

Well part of it is that feeling that we're supposed to be good people,

We're not supposed to give up on people They have a huge need to help,

They're like I will fix this person So you definitely become dependent on that And if you phrase it like that,

Generally people will be like,

Oh no,

I'm not trying to fix anybody Yeah you really are,

I mean if you step back and you look at your actions,

What does this action say?

Don't you love when that happens and people say no I'm not doing that And then when you break it down they go,

Oh I guess I am doing that I've never experienced it myself It's like every situation ever Pretty much,

That's what I do on a daily basis,

That's my job I go well,

Let's look at this Oh and then the light bulb goes off and hopefully they can choose differently So I think that there's an aspect of achievement and stroking your own ego and self worth that comes from taking care of someone So when that person is dependent on you,

You feel needed And you feel like that's why,

You have some semblance of control over the situation So if you are with an addict or you grew up in a household where there was an alcoholic parent or something Which usually leads into alcoholic relationships When you experience as a child,

I mean if you grow up in a household that there's no co-dependency It's very rare that you're going to get into a co-dependent relationship when you're older Because it just doesn't seem normal to you Somebody will start acting in a way that they need to lean on you for co-dependency And you'd be like,

Huh?

What is this?

And you'd just shake it off So I mean generally we can trace it back to our childhood And we've experienced it in some way,

Shape or form Excuse me,

Where it feels normal to us And it's a lot of different traces of it I mean we're at the point now where we're in a big spiritual shift And plus the age of technology and information We're growing at a very fast pace right now It wasn't like that even,

I don't consider myself that old But I'm 48 and it's,

When I was a child we didn't have all the information We didn't have the internet,

We didn't have all this awareness around all these subjects and stuff So there were traces of co-dependency And just look at how society's been for the last 5,

000 years It's based on co-dependency I mean our whole society is based on,

Well it used to be That the man goes out and earns a paycheck and then the woman comes home And stays home and takes care of the kids and cooks the dinner and all that stuff There's an aspect of co-dependency just in that dynamic itself So we're all coming from traces of co-dependent relationships I mean some of those are healthy if they're viewed in roles Like oh this is your role and this is my role and both sides are happy in it Well it can be,

You can have a healthy relationship like that But when the whole society is living in it there's going to be a large people that take it to an unhealthy level That just demand things from their partner and assume their partner is going to do things without appreciation That's what leans towards the co-dependency Have you ever heard the phrase co-dependent leads to resentment?

I don't know,

But it makes perfect sense That just seems obvious Yeah,

Anything dysfunctional leads to resentment I can see it as the person who has the overwhelming drive to be the good one,

The one that takes care of the other person And you take care of them to the extent that you want to be like Well,

Screw them,

They didn't do this and they didn't do that You have the moral authority,

The higher ground Right,

And that's what feeds us too That feeds co-dependency because the more times you do for others what we're doing generally there's a low self-esteem So when you do for others it makes you feel better about yourself To get onto that moral high ground So the more you do for others the better you feel about yourself,

So you think Because it's just egoically,

It's just you're stroking your ego You're not actually connecting with your true self and practicing self-love and loving yourself It's something external you're doing for somebody else So you're getting an ego stroke out of it And every time you stroke your ego,

Subconsciously you feel better about yourself And you think that you're just doing it to.

.

.

To be nice To be nice Because you're.

.

.

Exactly,

Yeah You could swear up and down that you are doing everything purely just to be nice And then the second you get upset they become things to hold over other people Which I have no personal experience in doing And that's a big.

.

.

Like,

You know,

We mentioned Facebook here and there Because it's such a good example of seeing some of this dysfunction bubble up And that is one of the things I see out there so often When somebody goes on Facebook and posts something like.

.

.

You know,

When you do something for.

.

.

When you do everything for somebody And then when you need something and they don't do it back for you And everybody jumps on those posts and goes,

Yeah,

Screw them You know,

You're a wonderful person and if they don't appreciate you Then you're going to heck with them and blah,

Blah,

Blah And they just.

.

.

That's what people are looking for They're looking for an ego stroke when they post those types of things So the reality of it is,

Is,

You know,

Generally I've had this situation countless times Where somebody says,

You know,

All I do things out of the kindness of my heart And then when it's my turn they don't give it back And it's like,

Oh,

Okay,

So what you were doing when you said it's.

.

.

When you did for them what you were doing is you said,

I'm going to do for you and you owe me And they go,

No,

No,

That's not what I did No,

I just did it because I'm a good person So no,

You did it because you.

.

.

They owe you now because you did for them,

They owe you No,

Well,

Then why are you upset?

If they don't owe you anything,

Why are you upset with them?

And don't those posts usually go like,

Oh,

You don't need that person And then it always ends with like,

We're going to stay positive,

We're going to stay positive about it It's like this whole post was extremely negative What are you talking about?

If you're lucky somebody says you're going to stay positive Sometimes I see that too and I think that's hilarious It's like,

You know what,

I don't even care,

I'm not even going to let it bother me Because I already posted it and I got it out and everyone responded So now I'm okay with it Yeah,

Sometimes it's a part of.

.

.

I really dislike that You've seen that right though?

Yeah,

I hate posting anything negative on Facebook I've never seen anything negative on Facebook ever Facebook is a bad place to vent Hey,

Talk about codependency That's when we need.

.

.

Just codependency on technology On the technology Social media Oh man Yeah,

To go.

.

.

That is another seven topics It's such a good place to put.

.

.

To not actually have to do any work It's such a good place to not actually have to do any work Yeah,

Because what it is is you're feeling upset and bad and confused about something You throw it out there,

You get 422 people to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you And the rest of the world sucks And then you feel better about yourself and then you go about your day And continue living the exact same way So you don't actually have to do anything You just get stroked until you feel good enough And then you close Facebook And move on Until you open it an hour later But if you look underneath all that,

You can see that it's codependency You had expectations of the other person to do things for you in return And then when they didn't live up to those expectations When they didn't pay you the $20 worth of stuff that you did for them emotionally Then now all of a sudden they're jerks And it's like,

You know,

That's not.

.

.

That's why whenever I do something for somebody And I mean it can be anything from loaning somebody $20 To giving somebody a ride To anything,

Absolutely anything I stop and pause for a moment and go Okay,

Can I.

.

.

Am I capable?

Am I in this situation where I can give this person my time,

My money My heart,

My soul,

My advice,

My car It doesn't matter what it is Can I give this freely without expecting anything in return?

Even if it's a loan You know,

People use that as.

.

.

You know,

That's a good example because it's the most extreme Like if I loan somebody $20 Then I still say,

Can.

.

.

Am I putting my finances in turmoil if I don't get that $20 back?

Yes,

If I don't get that $20 back I could screw up my own responsibilities Then they don't get the $20 Because that's codependency That's irresponsibility on my part And that's even if it's a loan,

Not a gift Because I have to be okay It's not worth me copying a resentment towards somebody over $20 So I'll give it to them And I hope they pay me back Because then I'd be like,

Oh,

Well,

That's cool They just went up on my trust scale or something Where it might be a little easier to lend them more in the future if they need it Or whatever But I don't cop a resentment even if I don't get it back I think in Ben's life,

If he can't afford to give you the $20 He's going to give you $40 And he's still not going to ask for it back Yeah,

And you have to.

.

.

I don't know You have to breed resentment You just have to There's got to be something inside of you that gets irritated when they don't pay you back And then it boils up in the least opportune moments I'm not speaking about Ben specifically,

But maybe I am Not to me,

Though I have a question Say that you do this thing where you go above and beyond With being overly nice to everyone that you know Or mostly everyone that you know And then you breed resentment of the fact that no one's doing that back Yes That's not the dynamic of the relationship,

Though Right,

Right,

Right That's just.

.

.

But that's a codependent person That's what happens A relationship develops into basically unconscious understandings or maybe expectations So if you're the one that does for everybody and everybody else receives,

That's the way it is It's just the nature of the dynamic of the relationship And most of it's subconscious Not me,

I'm asking for a friend Well,

Of course But that's the nature of the dynamic So when people get used to receiving from you and not giving back,

It feels normal They're not sitting at home keeping score going Wait a minute This person did this,

This,

This,

This,

This,

This,

And this for me I think I should do something for them No,

They're busy in their own lives They're not worried about it They're just,

You know,

Oh,

This person does that for me Yeah,

That's what they do We all have secondary roles in other people's lives They're just living their life from their perspective and moving forward And then all of a sudden there's this one person that does everything for them Oh,

Okay,

Cool,

Thank you Apparently you've just taken a role of my mother when I was a child Appreciate it,

Cool I needed a replacement,

I was in my late 20s,

So timing was great And then you just move on with your life And that role is filled It's like beautiful Then all of a sudden a new mom starts copping her resentment Hang on I thought you were lucky,

Mom Yeah,

I thought you were supposed to do for me And listen to me complain like I was a teenager What is this?

I'm not happy with this relationship So it's all,

You know,

It's like everything We can still be nice people,

We just really need to understand what nice is Nice comes from self-love Nice is being honest and truthful with people And helping them,

If necessary,

Stand on their own two feet I mean,

It's,

You know,

Again,

Examples,

Extreme examples are good And it's like parents,

You know,

My main goal as a parent was always to be Well,

My main goal is to love my son But I mean,

It's also to get him to the point where he's able to function in society I'm not doing him any favors by doing everything for him Now,

I love him,

It's just me and him,

We're together all the time He's my child,

So sometimes I definitely fall in the line of doing too much for him It happens,

But when I catch myself,

I try to make that adjustment And be like,

And understand I'm not doing,

I'm not helping him by making toast for him When he can make it himself at almost 16 years old I'm not helping him,

That's not me being nice That's me doing things for him that he can be doing for himself,

You know And that's not going to benefit him because that's not what life is like Well,

I know nothing about that Even though I did my laundry for the first time by myself after high school Really?

Yeah,

Not terrible Was it in New York?

Yeah That was the first time?

By myself,

Yeah Oh,

Right,

No,

I remember Isn't that crazy?

It's very embarrassing I remember explaining some stuff to you Well,

With me,

I think I was raised to be pretty independent for the most part And then I had a major rebellion and independence streak in me,

Which just pushed me I wanted to do on my own Because screw you,

That's why After high school,

I was like,

I need to do stuff myself,

I feel terrible about myself Yeah,

I was like that,

I think I started really doing that around 14,

I was just like later But what just caught my attention was that I didn't do my own laundry for.

.

.

I moved out when I was 18 and I still used to bring my laundry back to my mother's Because I could tell that she wanted me to though because she enjoyed.

.

.

Because she would just never see me if I didn't Anything that gets you back to that?

Yeah,

So she would like.

.

.

Plus,

I mean,

She was a mom,

She was that codependent,

I'll take care of So her knowing that she was doing something for me,

I could feel it,

That it made her feel good And plus seeing me on a regular basis,

You know So I did do that for a while,

Even when I had moved out What is doing too much for someone?

Asking for friends Loaded question Not myself,

I don't do anything for anybody Trying not to Doing too much for somebody is really.

.

.

It's more about you than it is about the other person Because you can sit there and rip apart different situations about the other person And when it's.

.

.

Generally When it's sheltering the other person from feeling the true consequences of their actions Then that's not good for the other person But I like to make everything about self-love About me,

Because that's what I'm in control of and that's what I have clear visions of So if it's about me,

Then I have to look at myself and say I can't sacrifice myself for somebody else's benefit Like I can't.

.

.

I think of it like energetically So the whole universe is expanding We've proven that scientifically The vibration is raising on this planet So everything is expanding,

Moving forward,

That's the nature of life So energetically,

If you.

.

.

Let's say you give 10% of your energy to somebody else So it's a detriment to you,

So you drop 10%,

They gain 10% Just assuming they actually receive it and it works Which half the time it doesn't But let's say you drop 10%,

They raise 10%,

That means we just stayed even There's no progress,

There's no growth,

There's no stimulation,

There's no moving forward So that doesn't work It's just energetically it doesn't work So we can never sacrifice ourselves to try to benefit others What we need to do is give freely of ourselves,

Out of love,

When it doesn't hurt us And then our vibration raises 10% You know,

The percentages are just hypothetical Our vibration raises 10% and then their vibration raises 10% Now all of a sudden we had a 20% jump in vibrational rate and in energy And then now things are expanding,

Moving forward and growing And that is the nature of our world To constantly expand,

Move,

Grow,

Become better Whoa What if there are four people?

What if there are four people and you give each of them roughly 25%?

Then you will die And then you give yourself nothing Thanks everybody Then you are completely depleted of energy You have no life force and you will be singing with the angels in 3.

2 minutes You are nothing 3.

2 minutes?

Goodbye everybody Goodbye,

It's been nice So that's how much time we have left in the podcast No,

We've got 5 minutes So we've got 1.

8 minutes to wrap it up And then in 3 minutes Without me And then should we do it?

Ben,

How do you feel about this?

It's your life Should we call 911?

I think I need to go to the hospital Okay Oh dear Well,

Dial now,

It's going to take a while And you better get in now But anyway,

Let's stay positive We're in it Let's stay positive,

Seriously Also,

It's the 22nd today Really?

Yeah That day sounds familiar for some reason January 22nd?

Yeah,

Must be something going on A couple days before my son's birthday,

But that's not it So yeah,

That's the codependency That's very interesting though,

The energy When you do that,

There's zero progress made for anybody involved And it just doesn't work Our universe would not be expanding if that was the basis on how we lived Everyone would just stay stuck So we're constantly moving forward,

We're constantly changing I mean,

We have to be,

Otherwise that's what opens up the life force that flows through us And keeps us alive That's why when somebody doesn't have If you have somebody older that doesn't have anything to live for You can see them fade very quickly Whereas if you have somebody older that has something to live for They'll hang on way longer than they physically should Because they have the life force,

They have a reason I was just thinking about that yesterday Maybe it was two days ago Anyway,

Two people that I saw that were the same age I was like,

What?

One of them is Well I think,

I don't know the specifics of what happened But I found it very odd that like a month ago that Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds died a couple days apart So I mean,

That's probably something where Carrie Fisher went and Debbie Reynolds was like Debbie Reynolds' life force was sucked out Yeah,

She just kind of probably just went like There might have been a reason for her to pass prior to that But maybe she was done,

Whatever your philosophy is Maybe she was done with whatever she came to Earth to do She was just kind of buying time and stuff She had her daughter,

Everything And then all of a sudden her daughter's gone And she's like,

You know what?

I'm good Literally says the words,

I want to be with Carrie And then dies Did she say that?

That was the last thing she said before she went to the hospital So I mean,

I think it's I miss her,

I want to be with her Wow So I mean,

That's when you just say,

You know what?

I'm going to just kind of chill on the life force thing And just cross over to the other side You know,

Where I'd rather be And then that's how I see myself passing Like I see myself just pulling in all the different people that have touched me in my life When I kind of have the knowingness that it's time for me to go And just kind of being like,

Hey,

Thanks,

Man You know,

Don't forget this That's an important lesson for you And just kind of making peace with everybody Saying goodbye and then just going,

All right,

Deuces,

I'm out Into a big white light like the end of Les Mis Maybe That's exactly what that sounds like Jean Valjean giving up his life at the end of Les Mis I think he was just lucky that his daughter happened to show up right before he died Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah He was holding on until Also,

He didn't know Eponine I'm lighting these candles Oh,

Yeah,

He didn't know Eponine That's why in the movie they replaced it with the bishop It was the quarantine and the bishop Because the bishop was the most important thing they ever had in them Yeah OK,

So to our audience,

Make sure you go watch Les Mis The movies Go both Go see both Definitely You know,

I don't know where you're going to see it Go to London That's one of the concerts Yes On DVD OK,

Anyway Anyway,

Back to codependency I'm codependent on musical theater I'm codependent Actually,

That's not true because musical theater does not depend on me I'm dependent Yeah I'm codependent on musical theater We're going to need a new podcast to explain to me the difference between dependent and codependent Yeah,

Really So,

I mean,

If you're thinking about,

You know,

You may be codependent And you want to,

You know,

You want to look,

Try to figure things out It's all,

Like everything else,

It's all about self-love,

Self-work When you work on yourself,

When you focus on yourself,

When you understand yourself better And then you start understanding It's really not that difficult to make the decision like Oh,

Am I doing this for the other person in a codependent way?

Or is this just out of self-love and the freedom of giving that I'm actually doing this?

That's a very hard thing to figure out when you're caught up in codependency When you work on yourself a little bit and you get out of that Then all of a sudden it's a pretty easy thing to figure out It's not that complicated to see So,

If you need help figuring that out,

Then contact me life-enhancement-services.

Com And that'll do it for the podcast Thanks,

Ben and Dave,

For joining me Thank you Pleasure So proud of you for that transition Thank you And I am out,

Not permanently,

Just at the end of this podcast So deuces And I feel good still I feel healthy and fine I feel codependent How do you help?

We too We're working on it Music

Reviews

Wonderful and uplifting talk about codependency 😃 love your point about how everyone being codependent in history when the man was working and woman was taking care of household 😊 very thoughtful talk 🙏

I've definitely been in these relationships. This engaging, non threatening, non patronising, funny podcast has really helped me see that. Loved the conversational tone.

Really interesting and thought-provoking thanks so much.

Many great insights and points, and I enjoy the laid back style. Thank you!!

I have learned my life lesson! Can I borrow 20 dollars and use your car? I promise I will not pay you back and never return the car. You can depend on me and not be disappointed. Muahahahahaha!

This is a topic I have only just been introduced to... Very interesting and definitely need to look into this further... Thanks Glenn, as always 💜x