Care For Yourself To Better Care For Others

It's important for us to make sure to take care of ourselves, in order for us to care for others better, this is discussed in detail.

Transcript

And now,

Life,

Lessons and Laughter with your host,

Glen Ambrose of Life Enhancement Services of Rhode Island.

Hi,

This is Glen again.

I'm back for our second episode.

Today we are going to talk about how to care for yourself so you can better care for others.

So that sounds like fun,

Doesn't it?

Basically,

We got to keep it light.

So basically,

You know,

This is basically what we do in our lives is we try to take care of everybody else and everything else.

And what this does is it ends up leaving us drained and just exhausted.

A lot of times we don't even know how exhausted we are because we don't stop long enough to find out.

We just hit the pillow and if we're lucky enough to have our minds not racing like crazy,

Preventing us from sleeping,

We just crash and wake up and do it all over again the next day.

You know,

Very much living unconsciously.

When I talk to people about meditating,

One of the first things that they say is that either they can't stop their mind or that they fall asleep when they try.

And those are both perfect examples of why we need to meditate on a regular basis because we're just not used to our mind stopping.

We need to be able to teach it how to stop.

And then when it does finally stop,

We just fall asleep because we're so exhausted from running around like a nut all day.

We just go unconscious.

So those are,

You know,

It's a good symptom of why we need to care for ourselves.

But we're always focused on other people and there's this guilt attached that we need to do for others.

We need to do for others and that we're selfish if we take care of ourselves.

But the fact is,

Is once you learn how to take care of yourself,

You're a lot better able to care for others.

So it's actually a necessary part of our day.

At some point,

You will need to take care of yourself.

What happens is our bodies will give out.

A lot of times when we get sick,

Even injuries,

A lot of different things,

Fatigue,

Irritability,

A lot of different things come from us not taking care of ourselves.

And they leave us not able to care for others.

Very often somebody will come to me and they'll be telling me how busy they are and how stressed they are.

And I'll tell them,

You know,

Slow down,

Take care of yourself or else something will happen that will make you take care of yourself.

And then I'll get a call within a few months usually that they back went out and they're out of work for two months or something to that effect.

If you just take care of yourself in the process,

Then those major things won't happen.

They won't happen as often.

Obviously accidents can happen at any time.

But if you don't slow down,

Your body will make you slow down one way or another.

So it is very important.

Now,

The other thing that that people think about it,

It's this this guilt,

Especially with like children,

You know,

Taking care of our children,

I have to take care of my children.

Well,

Basically,

What we're doing is we're teaching our children to not care for themselves because we don't care for ourselves.

You know,

Anybody that has children is going to know that they don't listen half the time.

I don't have children that I know that they don't listen half the time.

Exactly.

They don't.

They don't listen to what we tell them.

But they will mimic what we do.

You know,

We are examples to our children.

And if,

You know,

When our children are 30 years old,

And they're all stressed out and they don't know how to take care of themselves,

It's going to be because they never saw us take care of ourselves.

You know,

We have to model the behavior.

So you know,

If your if your child is seeing you care for yourself,

If you can teach your child to leave you alone for 10 minutes while you go and sit in silence in your room by,

You know,

Hanging something on your doorknob and teaching your child to know that that's your time and he's not to interrupt you during that time,

Just to take a little time out for yourself to regroup and just be still.

You're actually teaching your child how to care for themselves.

So when they start getting stressed out,

They're going to know that they need to take time for themselves and slow down a little bit and care for themselves.

So you know,

A lot of times we do these things out of self righteousness,

Like,

Oh,

I,

You know,

I have to I have to care for my children and we play the martyr.

And what we're doing them to them is we're just not showing them how to care for them for themselves by not caring for ourselves.

I remember years ago,

I was,

I was putting my son to bed and I said something to the effect of,

You're my number one priority.

And my son looked at me and said,

No,

No,

I'm not dead.

And at first I went,

Oh,

What's what's this going to be?

You know,

I could tell he was calling me on something.

And what it was is I had taught him over the years,

My priority list and my priority list was that first I had to put my connection with my higher power first,

My source,

My God,

Whatever I wanted to call it,

Whatever you want to call it,

My creator.

I needed to have a connection with that.

That's very important.

So first was my connection to my source.

Second was I had to take care of myself.

I had to make sure that I got enough sleep.

I fed myself.

I got some exercise.

I slowed down when I needed to slow down and just really took good care of myself.

And the reason I was doing one and two was to be able to better care for him.

So,

And that's exactly what he mirrored back to me.

He says,

No,

Dad,

I'm not your number one priority.

First it's God and then it's you.

So you can take care of me and then it's me.

And that's exactly how he said it.

How old is this kid?

How old was he when this happened?

At this time he was probably about eight or nine.

He's an amazing kid.

He is.

He is.

He's a great kid.

And it's wonderful to have a kid call you on this stuff too.

Yeah.

But,

You know,

I taught him that at an early age and he kept me on track with it.

And the other thing is when he thinks about that or talks to me about that,

He doesn't feel like he's third place and I don't care about him.

He understands that the reason that I'm doing the first two is to care for him better.

So I'm better able to care for him.

If I don't stay connected with my source,

If I don't care for myself,

I'm in no condition to give him my best.

And that's what I want to do is I want to give him my best.

So that's the mindset behind why we need to care for ourselves so we can better care for others.

That's great.

I think that the difficulty comes in because just the opposite side of the coin from the self-righteous thing,

Which is definitely a big part,

But I think that the other side of the coin from that is that it's counterintuitive to care for yourself first,

To care for others.

Like I think that it just becomes like you can obviously see what the other people need.

You know,

You see what the people that you need to care for,

That you want to care for,

What they need,

And it's easy to find a solution for that.

It's easy to take care of them.

And I think that because that's your goal,

I think it's counterintuitive to care for yourself first,

Even though it's what you should be doing and the way to better help them.

Is that,

Do you think that there's truth to that?

Absolutely.

And that's exactly what we're trying to do here with this podcast is just look at things from different perspectives,

Healthier perspectives,

Because a lot of what we've learned in our society isn't working.

You know,

I mean,

If we look around and we say,

Geez,

Is the average person stressed out of their mind?

Yeah.

You know,

Okay,

So something we're doing isn't working.

And we've been learning this generation to generation to generation.

But when are we going to stop doing what we've previously learned that isn't working and start doing something different?

You know,

If we look for evidence of this,

It's around us.

I mean,

The most obvious one that I like is the airplane.

You know,

If an airplane is going down,

The oxygen mask drop,

The first thing that they teach you is to put your oxygen mask on first,

And then put the ones on your children,

Because you are of no use to anybody if you are unconscious.

Right.

So you know,

This mindset is not anything new.

It's not anything out of the ordinary.

It's not some whacked out idea.

It's just that we don't slow down enough to really look and look at our unconscious belief systems and find out whether they're working or whether they're not working for us.

Now,

I've been told that that is one of my biggest problems is that is that is that I focus way too much on on on other people on caring for other people and I don't take care of myself.

There's definitely truth to that.

You know,

But that was that was something that that other people helped me identify.

Some of my friends definitely said,

You know,

This is this is your big problem.

You're stop caring about us so much.

You know,

So is there any like,

Is there any easy way to do that if somebody's been ingrained in,

You know,

Putting others first,

Which is a great mindset to put others first is a great mindset.

But you do it to the detriment of yourself,

Right,

Is the problem.

Because if you're not doing the things for yourself,

Then obviously you can't do the things for them.

But is there any way to is there any easy way to to help someone that's doing that to the detriment of themself to stop or to realize it?

Yeah.

I mean,

I think I think a lot of it is a lot of what we need to do is conscious living.

We just need to be aware of what we're doing.

You know,

So and if you're unhappy,

When you if you stop long enough to try to figure out why you're unhappy,

You might uncover that this is one of the reasons,

You know,

But you have to stop long enough to find out why you're unhappy.

So if you do,

You know,

If this is an issue for you,

The one of the best things to do is take the other people out of the picture.

It's not about them.

Make something about you.

You know,

It's we don't you don't need to change your whole world and your whole life all at once.

You know,

A first step is just doing something nice for yourself.

When was the last time half the people out there did something nice for themselves?

Just something simple.

Just taking 10 minutes to to sit quietly and read,

Just to,

You know,

Go get a massage,

Sit in the tub,

Anything,

Anything that just just brings you some peace and quiet.

You know,

Just do something nice for yourself.

It can be absolutely anything that you enjoy.

Just do it and it can be as small as,

You know,

10 minutes a week.

Right.

That's just start doing something kind for yourself because,

You know,

At the end of the day,

Caring for yourself so you can better care for others.

It's not an either or thing.

We're not trying to not have you care for other people.

It's just what at the end of the day,

You just want to start caring for yourself a little bit.

Give yourself a little bit of self love.

You're giving a crap about yourself for a minute.

You know,

So just to do that here and there,

Do it,

You know,

Set a block once a week where you can take a bath.

That's it.

You know,

And then if that what happens is when we start doing things that make us feel good,

We tend to want to do more of them.

So you start with something simple,

You know,

Taking 10 minutes to read a book by yourself and then you do it twice a week.

Then it turns into a daily thing.

And then,

You know,

Then you add one hour a month where you go do something special for yourself.

Or,

You know,

It can be,

You can develop your pattern however you want to develop it.

But once you start doing something nice for yourself,

It's probably going to feel good and you're probably going to want to do it again.

Once you get over the guilt,

Of course,

You have to move aside the guilt because you do something nice for yourself and you have to allow yourself to do that without taking on all the guilt.

That's why you start off small,

You know.

And there's probably not any risk or danger of someone who is,

You know,

Somebody who's already,

You know,

Helping others so much or putting others so much to the fact that it's hindering themselves and their ability to help others.

You know,

It's not that slippery of a slope that you're going to,

That if you start doing something nice for yourself,

You're going to turn into,

You know,

Somebody that is too self-indulgent or too,

Like if you're already doing enough for other people,

Then it's hurting yourself or your ability to do nice things for other people.

They're,

You know,

Indulging in yourself and giving yourself,

Doing something special or nice probably isn't going to send you down a spiral.

No,

No,

That's it.

I mean,

You know,

There are people in this world that are selfish and,

You know,

There are people in this world who are not selfish and it's a very large part of their personality.

And that's it.

We don't just completely flip-flop our personality because we took a bath.

You know,

It is an ingrained big part of who we are.

So yeah,

As you start caring for yourself,

You're just going to get a little bit better at it and you're actually going to be more capable.

You're going to have more energy to give those people.

So the you that you give is going to be more quality.

But you know,

It's a very natural process when you start doing it.

And you're right,

You're not going to start doing nice things for yourself,

Look up a year later and not even recognize who you are,

You know,

And have your kids walking around with holes in their clothes and unfed and,

You know,

It's just,

It's not going to happen.

It's a gradual process.

And the fact is,

Is we can have both,

We can care for ourselves and really be able to be there and be there even on a higher level for those around us.

So I think that's going to wrap up that portion of the show and we're going to go right into questions.

Awesome,

Our question this week,

As always,

We keep them anonymous,

Was sent in to us on the life enhancement services Facebook page.

And it is,

How do I handle difficult or mean people in my life?

Run don't walk.

No,

That's great.

No.

Yeah,

There's,

There are difficult people out there.

It's a big society we have to deal with.

And I mean,

Obviously,

If there's somebody difficult and mean,

And they're just,

If it's a unique situation with that doesn't this person isn't really involved in your life.

Yeah,

You can just walk away.

Just don't give them the energy that it takes to fight with them.

It's just not worth it.

You know,

But that's the easy one.

The more difficult is usually when they're what I call repeat offenders,

You know,

Like somebody you can't get away from,

You know,

A boss or,

Or a spouse or a child that just came keep seem seeming to push your buttons and get you riled up a co worker,

You know,

Those are difficult,

You know,

And it's you need to,

You need to,

Everything is an inside job.

You know,

If you start dealing with with mean people in a different way,

You're bound to get a different result.

I think the the first thing that we need to do is learn how to teach people how to treat us.

You know,

People don't know how to treat us.

People don't know what is acceptable from one person to another person.

And if they run around crapping on people all day long,

Then they just assume they can get away with it.

There are people in their lives,

Though,

That won't put up with it.

And they probably don't go crapping on them,

Because it's not accepted.

Right?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So become one of those people that doesn't accept it.

You know,

It's the people just don't slow down to think about what they're doing,

How it affects others.

So you know,

Setting healthy boundaries is very important.

If somebody is is crossing the line swearing at you.

That's not accepted.

And you just tell them it's not accepted.

And they have whenever you're setting a boundary,

That has to be a consequence.

And it has to be a win win consequence for you.

Because otherwise,

Why are you going to put yourself out because of something that somebody else does?

You know,

So if somebody is,

You know,

On the if you're on the phone with somebody,

And somebody is just being rude and insulting to you,

Then you can just say,

All right,

Well,

I don't like being talked to like this.

If you continue,

I'm going to have to hang up.

And then if they continue,

You actually have to hang up.

Yeah,

You know,

You can't just you can't give consequences without following through with them.

As any parent can tell you.

But yeah,

You have to follow through with it.

So it's just set boundaries.

When you're setting boundaries with these people,

You have to understand that they're going to buck the system,

They're not going to like boundaries.

So when you first set up your boundary and say that's unacceptable,

They're probably not going to go,

Oh,

Okay.

Yeah,

You know,

So you just have to expect that.

So you just stand firm and whatever your boundary is,

And stand firm to what your consequences.

The other thing is,

Is make sure you figure out your consequences before you set your boundary before you're in that situation.

Right?

Because if you're trying to figure out how to deal with somebody,

When you're in the middle of a difficult situation,

Chances are you're not going to deal with it.

Well,

Right,

You know,

When you're calm.

And when you're not in the middle of a situation,

You can talk it out,

Develop a coping strategy that's going to work the next time this situation arises.

If they're a repeat offender,

There's going to be a next time.

Yeah,

You know,

I think that the setting of the boundaries is the easy part.

And the the the doing and even choosing the consequences like that can be that can come pretty easy.

I think that the where where the issue comes in is actually coming through on the consequence.

You know,

The old saying like,

Don't don't give someone an ultimatum unless you're willing to really do what you what the ultimate of it is.

Right?

So like,

Obviously,

The classical ultimatum that I can think of isn't really about the but like a girl saying that like,

If he doesn't propose to me by the end of the year,

I'm breaking up with him.

Well,

If he doesn't,

You better break up with him.

If you're going to tell him this,

Right,

You know,

If if someone's being rude to you on the phone and you say you're going to hang up,

You better hang up on them.

If you're saying you're going to do that,

I think that's the that's the difficult part.

At least that's that's what I find difficult about it.

And it is.

And it's it's funny that this all ties in because the reason that's difficult is because you're a nice person.

You know,

Thanks,

Clint.

I think you're a nice person.

Thanks.

Thanks,

Ben.

But but you know,

That's that's exactly this is why we have the same issues,

You know,

As what we're talking about earlier.

Nobody that's not taking care of themselves and taking care of other people too much.

They tend to not be able to set these boundaries very well with other people because,

You know,

They feel like it's it's putting them out when it comes time to stand up to the boundary and the consequence.

What happens is they go,

Well,

That's a little harsh.

You know,

I'll just give them another try.

But all that does is allows them to continue.

Right.

Their behaviors.

You know,

You just get you just basically told them that whenever you tell them not to do something that they don't have to listen to you.

Yeah.

I mean,

The the issue that I that I have that we've talked about before is probably,

You know,

My mom still calls me constantly.

And if I don't answer because I'm busy,

She will call right back immediately and she will call again and she will send me a text message or a Facebook message that says,

Call me now in all capital letters.

And I always say and then I always answer the phone and it's always like,

Hey,

What are you doing?

Or hey,

What are you coming home?

And I get like she's not doing it to be mean.

She's not,

You know,

Right.

It's just that I find it annoying or that it,

You know,

She does it in the middle of me being at the gym or me being in the middle of work or rehearsal.

And and I try to set that boundary of,

You know,

Don't call me four times in a row unless it's an emergency or don't,

You know,

Don't continue to pressure me into making sure that I get this right now to call you right now.

If it's that you want to know if I can pick up milk on the way home,

I'll call you.

I see that you've called.

I'm going to call you back before I come home.

My problem is that she continues to do it and then I continue to answer the phone because if she calls more than twice and I just had a conversation with her two days ago about how she can't call four times in a row unless it's an emergency and now she's calling and it's the third time she's called in 10 minutes.

I'm like,

Oh no,

Who's dead?

You know,

Uh,

And so I have a hard time.

I think that it's easy to set those boundaries when someone's being mean or antagonistic to you and do that.

But difficult in other circumstances where it's not a mean or rude thing,

But it's still a difficult thing to deal with.

I think it's harder to pull the trigger on those.

Yeah.

And I mean,

Like most things,

It can be a matter of perspective because when you're,

If you're,

If you need to set a boundary in a very difficult situation,

Sometimes that takes a lot of courage and it's a very difficult person to deal with and it can be fear can come up.

It can be kind of scary.

If you have practice at setting boundaries,

You're,

Is probably going to be an easier thing for you to do.

So if you look at this situation as an opportunity to practice,

Then all of a sudden,

Instead of being harder,

It very well might become easier.

You know what,

What better place to practice healthy behaviors than with somebody that you love like your mother.

Yeah.

You know,

Because the risk there pretty much is no risk.

It's not like she's going to stop loving you.

You know,

So,

So you're not risking anything.

You get to practice without the risk.

Yeah.

So but it is about consistency.

You need to,

You know,

You need to,

You know,

God forbid if somebody were to have died 10 minutes later,

They'd still be dead.

Right.

You know,

So not to be morbid about it,

But that's the truth.

I mean,

If you,

You know,

We do need to take some time for ourselves and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This is really,

I think this is ironic.

I,

Someone did,

Unfortunately someone passed away recently.

That was a family member and I got a,

I got one phone call and a voicemail and she couldn't reach me.

So she said my friend that I was with a text and that was it.

That was her only,

Her only way of trying to contact me to,

To let me know that,

That this family member had passed away.

Right.

So people do really quick.

It wasn't what I was expecting with the frantic phone calls and all of that stuff.

It was just a text message.

Right.

Well,

She,

She's probably starting to know that calling you over and over doesn't work that well.

Yeah.

Because you've been having these conversations,

You know,

Which is good because now you've got a jumping off point,

Right?

You know,

Because she's,

She's starting to get the message because when something actually important happened,

She didn't do what she normally does when nothing's happening.

Yeah.

You know,

It's not,

She's not doing the cry wolf thing.

Right.

So,

But yeah,

You have to just set the,

Set the boundary and be clear with it.

And you know,

Don't answer your phone.

Right.

I try.

That's the part.

I try to not do that.

That's why it's not working.

Yeah.

And it,

And it won't work in other things too.

You know,

You're setting yourself up for failure down the road because now when you tell her,

Hey,

Listen,

I'm serious about this and this actually means something to me.

And I'm asking for you,

For you to respect me in this way.

Right.

And then when she doesn't,

You know,

All of a sudden you're going,

Ah,

That's okay.

So,

So the next thing important that comes along,

You know,

You're not setting yourself up for success down the road.

Right.

And it's,

It's not,

You know,

It's a,

It's tough when you don't,

As I said,

It's easier when it's a mean person that you don't care.

Like,

Right,

You know,

It's,

It's,

It's difficult when,

When you're trying to set boundaries with someone that you care about,

Like a,

Like a parent or a loved one or a child,

You know.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And I think to finish it up,

I think that that's exactly a very important point is we tend to look at setting boundaries with other people like it's imposing on them.

And it's,

I don't want it to look like we're imposing on them.

It's strictly out of self-love for yourself.

It's got nothing to do with them.

You know,

It's just for you.

You're setting a boundary because to make your life a little bit better and to have your thoughts and feelings respected.

That's just out of self-love.

It's not to say what your mom wants doesn't count.

It's not to say that her love isn't important.

It's not,

It's no slight on her at all.

You know,

You,

You love her just as much as you always have.

It's just out of self-love for yourself.

You need to have a little bit of time to yourself.

And if she needs something,

One phone call will do,

You know.

So hopefully,

Hopefully that will help you in that direction and the people listening for similar situations.

Thanks,

Glenn.

And where can people send questions to you at?

Questions,

You can send to my Facebook page,

Life Enhancement Services,

Or you can go to my website.

And my website has a lot of different information about my services,

Different things that I do and about me as well.

And the website is life-enhancement-services.

Com.

So that's it for our second episode.

Thanks for joining us and look forward to another podcast coming your way soon.

Thanks.

This podcast is presented by Life Enhancement Services of Rhode Island with New Shore Productions.

For more information on Glenn Ambrose and his work,

Visit life-enhancement-services.

Com.

Reviews

Outstanding! This was your 2nd podcast. The intro was totally different too. Good stuff as usual!

Awesome as always! Some really useful ideas... Thanks Glenn 💜x

I have the same mother issue

Thank you, I found your advice on dealing with repeat offenders helpful. Self care boundary exploration and solutions is always appreciated.

So important to take care of yourself so you can be there for others when needed. Sometimes I don't answer the phone either. Good talk guys!

Simple advice... That so many of us ignore or feel guilty doing. Love the airplane mask reference 💕

I will do better. Thank you for these words of wisdom