Silencing Your Inner Critic

When was the last time you listened to your inner conversation? Is it serving you, or does it take you down? Many struggle with their inner critic and tend to beat themselves up; this is especially true for women. Is this you? If so, there’s one essential life practice that can silence the inner critic, help you release the need to trash yourself and your worth, and is the ultimate foundation of self-love. What is it? It’s self-empathy. While you may be familiar with having empathy for others, turning this practice inward changes the inner conversation and opens the door to cultivating inner peace and gives you the courage to love yourself fiercely.

This week we’re taking a one-on-one deep dive into the step-by-step, simple process of how to use self-empathy daily. It starts with two simple questions that have the power to silence the inner critic and change your mindset. Self-empathy is the gateway to self-love, and this conversation helps you in the throes of radical change.

Transcript

The term self-love is a viral catchphrase,

Even a trend at this point,

Isn't it?

I mean,

Rightfully so.

It is so incredibly important to love yourself.

In fact,

I actually believe that radical self-love is one of the biggest forms of rebellion that you can offer yourself and to those around you.

You know,

It takes courage to love yourself,

Intimately,

Passionately,

And with the knowledge that,

You know,

It's going to be imperfect,

It's going to be messy,

And even downright scary or incredibly challenging at times.

Rebellion is resisting convention.

And,

You know,

If you really think about it,

Conventional thinking has many of us believing that self-love or loving ourselves is selfish,

It's even wrong.

And in many ways,

There's this culture that keeps us beating ourselves up and really helping your inner critics stay in the forefront.

And that culture really pushes against,

You know,

Change or really showing up for ourselves,

Loving ourselves,

Really taking care of who we are at the soul level,

Taking care of our needs,

Taking care of our wants and our desires.

With all of that noise,

I mean,

It makes sense that it's difficult to love ourselves,

Right?

In fact,

When I started my own self-love journey,

You know,

Which ended up being a journey into self-empathy,

And I'm going to explain that in just a moment,

I was asked a life-altering question.

You may have actually heard me talk about this before or mention it,

But for those who haven't,

A dear friend of mine who counsels teens and young adults asked me if I could name all of the people I love.

And as I started to answer,

She stopped me and asked me to really create that list silently in my head.

And I did,

You know,

It came together pretty quickly,

You know,

As they tend to do,

It's pretty obvious who tops your love list.

You know,

There was my husband and my children,

My family,

A few close friends,

And a few minutes into really putting this list together,

I started to search in my mind,

You know,

Who am I going to add in here?

Who am I going to really put on this list to beef it up?

And then my friend stopped me and said,

Okay,

You have your list?

It's like,

Yeah,

I do.

And I'm,

You know,

Trying to calculate,

Okay,

Who am I going to say?

What is it going to be like?

And then she hit me.

She said,

Were you on that list?

I sat there in complete silence.

I felt as if I had been punched in the gut.

Was I on the list?

Was I on my own love list?

I didn't know what to say.

You know,

I tried to calculate what was going to come out of my mouth,

And then all of a sudden the words,

No,

It didn't even occur to me to put myself on the list,

Tumbled out of my mouth.

I could feel my cheeks going red as I blushed,

And it really burned all the way through my body.

By the way,

This conversation was happening live in front of an audience,

And I felt as though I had to keep myself together,

Composed in some magical way that I wouldn't show the literal undoing I felt within.

You know,

It was a mix of embarrassment and shame and guilt and fear.

You know,

Why wasn't I on this list?

There was an onslaught of emotions that were so negative that hit me all at once,

And all I could think of was,

How could it not occur to me to be on my own love list?

Did I even know what self-love was?

Did I even know how to love myself?

Why wasn't I on the list?

It would take some time for me to be able to answer that question.

You know,

If you asked yourself that question now,

Would you be on your own list?

And if you are,

How long did it take you to get there?

And even if you are,

I promise you that there is still times that you're going to need what we talk about today.

So every time I tell this story,

Whether in private session or on social media or amongst friends,

I tend to see that same undoing happening in the person or the people I'm speaking with,

That,

Oh my gosh,

How am I not on my own list?

You know,

This singular moment has been a catalyst for me and so many others as we've dug our heels in and put in the work to claim and own our self-love.

But what I've learned since that singular moment is that we never,

I'm going to say that again,

We never take a straight journey to and through self-love.

What we actually do is take a journey to and through self-empathy first.

That's a big realization.

I'm going to say it again.

We never take a straight journey to and through self-love.

What we actually do is take a journey to and through self-empathy first.

Self-empathy is the foundation to all of the selves,

You know,

The self-love,

The self-compassion,

Self-worth,

Trust,

Respect,

Appreciation,

Creativity,

Kindness.

I'm going to leave it there,

Right?

That list could go on forever,

But you get it.

It's the entirety of the self-practices that I and others tell you,

You know,

Sort of ad nauseum,

That you need in order to get and have your life together.

Self-empathy is the start of this path.

It's the first direction you must head in when you want to stop beating yourself up,

When you want to silence that inner critic and you want to take a journey to uncovering and owning your truest and greatest self.

With that,

Let's define empathy.

You know,

You probably know what empathy is,

Right?

It's often described by saying,

Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes or try imagining how they must feel or imagine what their life is like.

Empathy in its most basic form boils down to the ability to understand and share in the feelings of others.

Emotional researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

That is a huge task,

And it's one that I often say requires an enormous amount of self-awareness and emotional intelligence to get it right.

If we don't have a hefty understanding of emotions and deep inner awareness,

We often end up forecasting how someone's feeling,

Really through the lens of how we feel about them or how we feel at the time that we're dreaming up their emotional state.

Or the other thing that happens is we just pull something from thin air and really try to make it stick.

Acting out of empathy when it's not in balance can often cause a great deal of problems,

Right?

We're forecasting,

We're borrowing trouble,

We're trying to make things stick,

And the people that we are trying to hand it over to are like,

What,

Do you even know me?

What are you even talking about?

We can even go a step further with these definitions and say that empathy can be translated into two fairly simple sentences,

And those sentences are,

What is most alive in this moment?

And the second one is,

What is at the heart of this matter?

Hang on to those two sentences.

They are real game changers when applied to the self.

Again,

Those sentences are,

What is most alive in this moment?

And what is at the heart of the matter?

With the general definitions of empathy,

We can come to the understanding that in order to practice empathy,

We have to be willing to observe,

Feel,

And listen with present moment awareness in any given situation that finds us.

And even that is a huge undertaking,

Right?

That's literally saying we have to stay mindful every single waking matter of any interaction.

But how else can we put ourselves in someone's shoes if we do not observe,

Feel,

Or listen?

We simply can't.

For many,

Outward empathy feels like a major task when we're really concentrating on it,

When it's not a natural thing,

And I will tell you that as we move into self-empathy,

It's actually easier to practice than outward empathy.

So if you're feeling a little,

I don't know,

Overwhelmed at the moment,

Don't worry.

I promise you it is easier.

Now,

Before,

I said that self-empathy is the pathway to self-love,

Didn't I?

So let's shift there.

Let's shift into a joint understanding of empathy that's a little bit deeper for the self.

If empathy is listening,

Observing,

And feeling for others,

Self-empathy is all of those actions and practices directed inward.

Really simple,

Right?

It's becoming aware of what's going on within you,

Your emotions,

Your thoughts.

It's becoming connected with the self in such an intimate way that how you feel,

Think,

You know,

Live,

It's all driven through a mindset,

A framework of healthy wellbeing,

Honesty,

Peace,

Even play,

You know,

Meaning,

Self-discovery,

Healthy thinking habits,

And most certainly emotional intelligence.

It's knowing we have the power to meet our own emotional,

Mental,

And physical needs,

And of course,

Spiritual too.

This practice innately moves us into a place where we cultivate inner peace.

We cultivate self-trust and self-compassion,

Which is also the gateway to all those other selves I had mentioned before.

You know,

The end result that we're seeking,

That end place that we get to and continually thrive within is the blanket umbrella of self-love.

Self-love is more than just loving yourself.

It's all of these other pieces added together,

You know,

Stacked on top of one another as habits,

As practices that really move us into a level of self-care and self-understanding.

When you don't practice or engage in self-empathy,

You often are encouraging your inner critic,

You know,

That inner voice that tells you you're not good enough,

To be in the driver's seat of your life.

You know,

It's easier when you're not self-empathetic to listen to all of those negative thoughts,

The I'm stupid,

I can't do anything right,

I hate my life.

It's there that the inner critic says,

Yep,

I'm here,

I agree,

Let me help take you down.

It's far easier to get down on yourself,

You know,

To constantly struggle and beat yourself up for any level of imperfection or misstep or negativity that comes into your life.

It's saying everything is always falling apart.

I take one step forward and take two steps back.

Why does everything bad always happen to me?

Right,

Do you hear those words?

I'm sure you've said them,

I know I have.

You know,

Many I've worked with look at being unhappy as a sign of failure.

Like being happy 100% of the time is even possible.

It's not even feasible.

Life is going to hit you,

But when we have self-empathy,

Which often is translated as,

If you just love yourself,

It'll be okay.

But what you really need is self-empathy.

You know,

When we have that in play,

The inner critic doesn't come marching in to tell you what a disappointment you are.

There are other ways that the lack of self-empathy shows up,

Of course.

That often looks like a conscious and continuous habit of self-blame,

Self-hate,

Negative self-talk that's on a constant and daily loop.

You know,

One small thing will happen and you are berating yourself for not being good enough,

Not having the worth that you need,

Or not being able to move yourself into a place that you need to be.

You know,

This is different than situational self-talk.

This is far more widespread,

Regardless of whether you perceive your life as good or bad outside of that moment.

It's dropping something and just,

You know,

Really taking yourself down for one small little moment.

We often see deep depression right here in the lack of self-empathy.

We see a lack of close relationships and absence of self-empathy can also cause a very ego-driven outlook.

What are you gonna do for me?

How are you going to make my life better?

There's often even an awkward reaction to emotions because you've turned off the ability to pause,

Witness,

Listen,

And respond.

Remember,

That's the baseline to empathy.

When there's no self-empathy,

There's also a lack of self-support,

Which of course then feeds all of the other ways and manners that you have and use to beat yourself up.

There's often a blanket expectation of low standards,

Right,

Because quote,

Life is hard or life just sucks anyways,

Why try?

Pessimism also runs high in these unaware,

You know,

Self-degrading behaviors.

There's a long list,

But those are some of the biggest operations that we see when self-empathy is not present.

I see nearly all of these situations daily.

In fact,

I asked one of my previous ladies that I worked with if I could share a small piece of her story with you,

And she kindly agreed.

When she first arrived to me,

She opened our first session with these words,

Quote,

I am good to everyone around me.

I'm a good wife.

I'm a good mother.

I'm a great boss.

I've hit so many goals in my career.

People tell me they look up to me,

But I have no idea why.

And then she paused.

That same look that I know I had when I was asked if I was on my own love list found her face.

Tears filled her eyes and she finally uttered,

I want to know how to love myself or maybe support myself the way that I do for everyone else.

I don't know.

I've tried.

I have tried to stop putting myself down.

I can't do anything without doubting or talking down to myself.

I didn't used to be like this.

It's eating me up inside and I cannot do it anymore.

How can my insides feel so broken and beat up when everything is perfect on the outside?

I don't understand.

I felt everything she uttered.

Not only had I heard it before,

But I had been there.

Perhaps you are there now or you've been there too.

And in that moment,

All I could do was smile,

Which seemed like an inappropriate response.

But the reason why I did was because I knew that what she was experiencing was fixable and incredibly quickly.

I don't normally record sessions,

But this beautiful soul asked me to do so so that she could replay it later in case she missed something that I had said.

I'm so glad we did because as she spoke,

It really showed to me that we're all in the same boat.

And it isn't that we don't love ourselves or that we don't know how or that we dislike ourselves.

She had a self-empathy problem.

And honestly,

Most of us do.

You know,

Think about it.

We know kindness,

But not for ourselves.

We know how to show up for others,

But not for us.

We hold space for people,

But we don't hold space for ourselves.

Most women find themselves here and we jump to the thought that we need to seek self-love because we don't talk about self-empathy enough.

During that session,

When I began to explain the facts,

The good news,

The glaring traits,

You know,

Glaring in a good way here,

That have been documented time and time again,

My smile became her smile.

And so I wanna hand those over to you because maybe you are in your head right now thinking,

Oh my gosh,

You know,

Maybe I've been going at this self-love thing all wrong,

Or maybe I don't know how to give myself self-empathy,

Or I don't know how to hold space for myself,

And this feels really trying.

And so let me give you those facts,

Those things that really bring this whole self-empathy thing together and maybe helps motivate you to put into practice that I'm gonna give to you very shortly.

We have found that people who practice self-empathy have a higher motivation to finish tasks and to hit goals,

No matter whether those goals are short-term or long-term.

They're just more motivated all around.

In fact,

They tend to be healthier and maintain a healthier lifestyle,

Weight and body image too.

You know,

That goes back to motivation.

Next,

They are more resilient than those who are not empathetic.

They see challenges for what they are,

Really just a moment,

And then they move through them with self-grace and understanding that the moment has arrived for them as a teacher and nothing more.

They are also far more creative in their thinking.

They tend to have higher life satisfaction.

When asked how they feel about themselves,

They will often say,

I like who I am,

I'm happy with my life.

When asked if they consider themselves to be more positive thinkers than negative,

In record numbers,

They report that they are positive thinkers.

You know,

They'll often say,

What is there to get so upset about?

I mean,

Sign me up,

Right?

Self-empathy is the path.

It's the route to positive change within ourselves,

Our thinking,

Our feeling,

And our overall general lives.

It's the way back home to our soul,

A reset.

And it's often revolutionary once we really begin to put ourselves in the forefront.

So how can we support ourselves?

How can we stop beating ourselves up?

How can we quiet the inner critic first and then silence it altogether?

We cultivate self-empathy through understanding and then putting it into action.

So what do you say?

Are you ready?

If you are,

We first have to start with some understanding so that you can use them when you put the practice into action.

So we're gonna call them awarenesses because that's really what they are.

And the first awareness is to recognize yourself as a feeling being.

All right,

A little emotional intelligence 101 real quick.

You are a feeling being.

You are wired to feel.

You have an emotional body that no matter how hard you try,

You cannot turn off.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard women say,

Well,

I've just turned off my emotions.

No,

You haven't.

It's not possible.

You can numb your emotions so that you can sort of feel detached from them from time to time,

But turn them off?

No,

My friend,

You don't have that kind of superpower.

Sorry.

Now,

Feelings are important.

I need you to know that.

These impulses help us literally read the world around us.

They are the physical sensations that indicate our needs.

They tell us what's going on.

And,

You know,

It seems kind of backwards to say,

They tell us how to feel.

They move us into action,

Keep us safe and well.

They help us communicate.

When we don't practice self-empathy,

We try to override our feelings,

You know,

Diminish them.

But when we do,

We also diminish the capacity to enjoy our life.

We create emotional dis-ease in our relationships,

In our inner conversations.

We struggle to connect.

Turning them down,

Diminishing our feelings is a huge mistake.

When we recognize that our feelings are meant to serve us,

We lean into the baseline of empathy.

We observe,

We listen,

We move into action based on what we need.

Remember those two questions I mentioned in the beginning,

What is most alive in this moment and what is at the heart of this matter?

Imagine viewing your emotions or the negative self-talk,

That inner critic or the depression,

The blame that comes up,

By really leaning into those two questions while remembering that you're a feeling being.

You know,

What is alive in this moment?

The inner conversation could go something like,

I'm emotionally tired right now.

Why?

Well,

Things are hard.

Well,

Why are things hard?

Because my family is struggling.

What about the struggle is upsetting me emotionally?

You can see how we can turn this one question,

What is most alive right now,

Into a deep dive,

A self-exploration of your emotions until you root out the issue and offer self-empathy,

You know,

The willingness to pay attention,

To listen,

To understand,

To bring awareness to and move through whatever is not working.

When we do this,

Those issues do not linger.

They do not fester.

They do not create the powerful loop of anxiety,

Sadness,

And depression.

You are a feeling being.

And when you offer yourself the ability to know that,

To own that,

Self-empathy becomes a natural course of action.

Awareness number two is sensing your deepest needs.

This is so important when it comes to practicing self-empathy.

Remember how I said that empathy is the starting point of self-love?

I know I've asked you that question multiple times,

But,

Or given you that statement,

I should say.

But I need to remind you of that because each thing is built on that understanding.

Another reason why is that,

You know,

Sensing,

Witnessing,

And owning your deepest needs brings up one fact that is universal for everyone.

And it's this,

Deep down,

You want to be happy.

That is a fundamental truth for every human,

Right?

That is our factory reset.

That's how we arrive on this planet.

You don't want to suffer.

You don't want to struggle.

This is an instinct that lives within all of us,

And it is a key to our existence.

Even when times are hard,

Think about what happens.

You tend to go back to happier times in your thought process.

You probably have even uttered the words,

Remember when things were easier?

This is actually self-empathy,

Knowing that there is more for you.

We are actually wired to do this.

Although,

Again,

We can suppress our needs in favor of meeting everyone else's,

But deep down,

We have a sensitivity to our own emotional needs.

To practice self-empathy,

We have to work on sensing our needs.

Again,

Those two questions come into play.

What is most alive in this moment,

And what is at the heart of the matter?

What is the need that is coming up within you?

That's really the question that is equal to what's most alive in this moment.

And the question that hits home to what is at the heart of the matter is really what is within this need that needs to be met?

When we sense our deepest needs,

We move into self-empathy.

Awareness number three is understanding that life is challenging,

And there's really no way around it.

It's all about how we show up and how we respond.

You know that life can be filled with storms.

It can be difficult to meet ourselves and our needs when we feel like we're constantly trying to just swim through the downpours that are happening,

When we're constantly suffering,

When we're struggling.

You know,

This is where the inner critic most steps in.

When life is hard,

We can take blame for it.

We can identify the issue that really,

If we look across the board,

It must be us,

And that there's no other contributing factors.

That inner critic goes into full motion,

And all we hear,

See,

And feel are our failures.

My dear,

I've said it before,

I'm gonna say it again,

You cannot possibly fail 100% of the time.

It is not possible.

You are not failing.

If your inner critic is speaking this mistruth,

It is time to apply some self-empathy and realize that you are human,

And being human means you can do hard things.

When the critic is speaking,

You are breaking yourself down.

You know,

We have to return back to those questions.

What is most alive in the moment?

Are you causing your own issue?

Or are the circumstances that have met you really not being met with empathy from your perspective?

When you give yourself space to look at your life from this lens,

You realize that you have the power to control how you respond to everything,

And how you respond nearly 100% of the time determines how you will thrive or how you'll be taken down in this moment.

Self-empathy,

Leaning in,

Witnessing,

Giving yourself space,

And then moving into action.

What do I need?

What do I want?

How will I get there?

Awareness number four is offering yourself kindness and support.

Putting all of these things together,

We start to naturally think about what it means and how we can support and encourage ourselves.

When you place a priority or an importance factor in showing yourself kindness,

You naturally begin to think about your thoughts and your inner conversation.

When you do so,

You can bring attention to your natural language,

What's happening within you naturally.

Sometimes,

You know,

When we begin to think about our thought process,

We begin to really become careful about how we speak to ourselves,

Which really is counteractive because it doesn't actually expose what's really going on.

So when we bring our attention to our natural language,

We can really begin to ask that question,

How do I talk to myself?

And what's at the core of that inner conversation?

I want you to think about how the inner critic shows up.

In fact,

Let's use the words of the lady in her first session to really move through this piece and how kindness and empathy can go hand in hand and move us into that path of trust and compassion and,

You know,

The blanket self-love.

So let's use her statements.

She said in those very first moments,

I am good to everyone around me.

I want you to think about the language that's being used.

That's actually a supportive statement.

I am good for others.

Her next statement was,

I am a good wife.

Again,

That's a very good supportive self-statement.

I am good at showing up in my marriage,

Right?

I am a good mother.

That was her next sentence.

Again,

Really great supportive language.

The next,

I am a great boss.

That's full ownership,

Right?

The next statement was,

I hit goals.

People look up to me.

Again,

Super supportive,

Great natural language.

The inner critic is not in those first sentences,

Right?

The first,

I am good to everyone around me.

I'm a good wife.

I'm a good mother.

I'm a great boss.

I hit goals.

People look up to me.

All supportive.

Where the lack of empathy and the inner critic comes in,

Where we begin to really rip our lives apart is in the next statements where she began to say,

I have no idea why people look up to me.

And this statement is actually sort of a neutral statement because there's no real deep emotion implied.

It's sort of just a question.

You know,

I really don't know why.

What is it that they see in me that I am not seeing in myself?

And that's,

Again,

Neutral.

It's not positive.

It's not negative.

It's more a bit of self-discovery,

Right?

But I want you to go a step further in the next pieces.

She said,

I want to know how to love myself.

This is a desire.

The natural language at this moment goes back to that question.

What is at the core of this moment,

Right?

A natural desire.

Think about what would have happened if she hadn't spent months tearing herself down,

Thinking that everything she was thinking was negative,

But she did exactly what we're doing here.

And we are showing some empathy and kindness to each sentence.

And we got to the core of the matter.

If they were broken down like we're doing now,

We could so much easier and so much faster meet our needs.

Nor would we feel overwhelmed,

Nor would we feel depressed,

Right?

This is why self-empathy is so important.

Let's move on to the next statement real quick.

She said,

I have to stop putting myself down.

There is that indication that self-empathy is missing and that it is needed.

You can hear this in your own inner conversations.

I want to love myself.

I want to feel better.

I want to get fit.

I want to show up.

I want,

I need.

These are the indications that self-empathy is needed.

Do you feel it?

Can you feel the kindness and the self-support and the love,

The awareness that's coming out of that?

Her next sentence was,

I can't do anything without doubting or talking down to myself.

She is saying,

I'm making a choice I no longer want to make.

This is self-empathy.

It's awareness.

The deal is,

Is that we're not taught or really shown this understanding.

We aren't focused on self-empathy.

Now think about the very last statement she made.

How can my insides feel so broken and beat up when everything is perfect on the outside?

Because she,

Maybe like you,

Did not or do not have the tools needed to break down these feelings before they consumed you.

When we become aware of our language,

We can silence the inner critic because the blame is gone.

We also become very aware of what's happening within us.

What is at the heart of the moment?

Can you see how those two questions can change everything?

When we let go,

When we recognize our emotions,

We give ourselves compassion.

Self-empathy,

Again,

Comes down to a baseline of listening to yourself.

I cannot drill that home enough.

As saying,

I often ask women to repeat when self-empathy is really low or they're dealing with heavy anxiety or they do not know how to listen in word,

I will often hand this over and ask them to repeat it,

To write it down,

To use it,

I don't know,

A half a dozen times each day.

And that sentence is,

I know I am anxious right now,

But I am here for me.

I've been through something like this before and I always make it through.

This,

That statement is self-empathy.

I know I am anxious,

But I am here for me.

I've been through something like this before and I always make it through.

That is,

I see you,

I feel you,

I hear you,

And I'm here to take action.

God,

Can you imagine if you just handled your life in that manner?

If you gave yourself permission to say,

You know what?

I don't need everyone else to see me.

I am gonna see me.

I am going to hear me.

I am going to feel what I need to feel and I am gonna take action.

Self-empathy,

It's a game changer.

There's one more awareness that I want to really go through and it really ties back to what I just said.

Awareness number five.

It takes courage to offer yourself grace and respect.

You do it for everyone else.

Now you have to do it for you.

There has been this narrative across social media and magazines and advertisements,

All of these things that loving yourself is selfish if you don't do it in these certain formats or in this certain way.

And even offering grace or respect is even seeming like it's selfish.

You know,

Outward service first,

Then deal with what's happening on the inside.

You cannot give what you do not have.

You cannot use what you have not harnessed within yourself.

Period,

Right?

When you can freely give the best of yourself to others is when you are freely giving the best of you to you.

That's the only way it works.

We have to have courage and fierceness with our practices,

With our inner language,

With our witnessing and meeting our needs.

With all of these awarenesses in place,

Let's turn our attention to the practice of how we can move through self-empathy quickly and use it daily,

Right?

Because that's what's going to be so important.

When we use it daily,

It becomes a habit and the habit becomes a natural response.

This practice is extremely simple once you get the hang of it.

You may want to pause and grab a piece of paper if one's available to you,

Or simply timestamp where we are right now so that you can return to the practice easier and remember,

You can always download this episode and keep it on your phone or device for quick access to this practice.

That's really a simple way to move through it.

So to practice self-empathy,

We have to remember our two questions that I've continued to drill home during our time together.

You know,

What is most alive in this moment and what is at the heart of the matter?

If you only use those two pieces to get into a self-empathy practice,

It will work,

Right?

However,

You can go a step further if you want,

And I do suggest that you do that.

So when you are struggling or feel that things are not working for you,

Add these additional questions,

You know,

From the what is most alive to what's at the heart,

Add what am I observing?

Another way to ask this is what am I seeing?

The next question to add is what am I feeling?

Again,

That's another substitute to what's at the heart of the moment or the matter.

The next question is what do I need right now?

That is a huge question.

You know,

It's one that really brings us into the moment of self-discovery and to leaning inward to self-awareness.

This is the practice I just guided you through with a positive statement verse what the client needed when she was talking about what was going on in her life.

The last question is,

Do I have a request of myself or someone else?

This is a big one,

And what it means is,

Can I meet my own needs,

My own standards,

Or do I need the help of someone else?

Generally,

If we break it down,

We really have the capacity to meet our own needs.

Nearly 99% of the time,

Right?

Now,

With those questions,

You can put in the five steps,

And those are one,

Observe,

Two,

Feel,

Three,

Need,

Four,

Give yourself space,

And five,

Request.

Let me give you those again.

One,

Observe,

Two,

Feel,

Three,

Need,

Four,

Give yourself space,

Five,

Request.

Number one,

Observation,

To observe.

Identify what you are saying to yourself,

Right?

That inner language,

We just talked about that.

What thoughts are you having about yourself?

What is the inner critic saying?

What are your thoughts about the moment?

What's the thought about what's happening in your life?

What is the need?

What is the conversation?

How is it impacting you?

This is the observation.

Step two in practicing self-empathy is feel.

So feeling,

Ask yourself,

What am I feeling?

Again,

Maybe you feel concerned,

Or I feel stressed,

Or I am tired,

Drill down.

What is behind that emotion?

What is not being met emotionally?

What do I need?

What do I want?

What's at the heart of the matter,

Right?

Allow yourself to feel your feelings so that you can move through it and connect with yourself and give yourself more of what your body,

Your mind,

Your soul,

Your physical self is asking for.

Next up is need.

Connect your feeling and what you have observed and ask yourself,

What do I need?

What need is not being met?

Maybe the need is that you need balance.

You know,

How are you going to get there?

How are you going to meet your needs?

Step four is to give yourself space,

A moment,

Right?

To sit with your needs,

To sit with your feelings,

To sit with your observation.

This is so important.

We do not take enough time to do this in our day-to-day lives.

And it is so absolutely necessary when it comes to practicing self-empathy.

Give yourself space,

Give yourself a moment,

Sit with how you feel,

What you need,

What you know is happening within.

And when you sit with it is when you can go through your inner conversation,

Those statements like we did and say,

Is this a positive statement?

Is this positive self-conversation or is this negative?

What's below it?

This is the space that is so important not to skip.

Number five in our movement here is request.

After you sit with,

After you know what you need to do for yourself,

Really identify if that request is going to be met by you or from something outside of yourself.

And that will give you direction.

A lot of times we will have self-empathy and we'll move through all these steps,

But we get to the end and we realize we just need a deeper connection,

Say,

With our best friend.

And that's where we move in and say,

Here's how I feel,

Here's what I need.

I'm asking for you to have that connection with me.

I used the word I and not the you blame,

Right?

This is very important too.

So you feel distant.

You feel like you're not hanging out with me.

You feel like you're not doing this.

When we hold a mirror up to someone based on our emotions and we say,

You are not,

You will not,

You haven't been,

They shut down.

So if you have a request of someone,

That you have a need that needs to be met or your feelings are not being met,

Use the I statement,

Not you.

I feel,

I need,

I want,

Very important.

You know,

If you move through all five of these stages,

You have to really ask yourself,

Isn't that a much kinder way of responding than really saying,

You're just hopeless or you're not worthy or really there's nothing good about you.

Self-empathy is the tool to really get us out of our head and into our heart.

This practice,

These five steps really helps direct our attention downward from the mind where the inner critic lives.

It moves us into our emotional body where our feelings are.

And then it moves us into a space where your needs are met.

It should also be said that self-empathy is a great way to leave all the things that try to own us and move us onto a path that gives us the permission,

Really,

That's the big word,

Permission to own our lives.

Not be owned by what is,

But us owning how we will be.

This practice does take work,

Right?

It's not easy,

It does take focus.

However,

You will soon be able to question your inner conversation,

To listen,

To offer yourself needs,

To silence that inner critic,

To be able to lean into empathy and understanding and even thrive,

Right?

To show up for yourself the way that you do for others with little effort after it's been practiced and that practice becomes a habit which then becomes a way of being.

So often I talk about rewiring the thought pattern.

This is it.

We do it with practice,

We do it with focus,

We do it with intention and we do it with kindness.

Self-empathy,

Lean in,

Listen,

Observe.

What do I need?

What's at the heart of this moment?

What can I change?

What can I do?

Listen to yourself.

If you wanna get to self-love,

This is the first step.

You can love yourself,

But in order to do that,

You have to listen to yourself.

You have to know yourself and you do deserve to do that.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Brilliant lesson on cultivating the self-empathy as the prerequisite to self love,,

As always, such a gift and so much wonderful information and help, as well as such important lessons. Thank you again, Danielle, for making one of the hard things in life something that can be dealt with in a positive way.