Practicing Non-Attachment: A Mindset Reset

Nothing gives you emotional freedom, inner peace, and balance, like releasing the outcome of any given moment and practicing non-attachment. This mindset reset was inspired by the question: Is control a form of safety? Take this short journey into understanding non-attachment.

Transcript

Nothing gives you emotional freedom,

Inner peace and balance like releasing the outcome of any given moment and practicing non-attachment.

Demi from Berlin,

Germany wrote in and said,

I'm new to your audience as I just found your podcast six weeks ago.

In the episodes I've listened to,

I've heard you say that our brains are wired to keep us safe.

I've been thinking about this over the last few weeks and wonder if that's why I always feel the need to control things.

I can't even enjoy a night out with my friends without a schedule.

I've ended relationships with romantic partners because I felt the need to keep their agenda,

Which made me feel like I was out of control and I couldn't control how I spent my time.

I like everything spelled out and planned.

I don't like labels,

Especially control freak,

But I know that's what I am.

So my first question is,

Is control a form of safety?

And secondly,

Is there something I can do to stop living this way?

I know that I'm making things harder for myself.

That first question,

Demi,

Is so on point and I hope that it's a moment of realization for everyone else.

So let this soak in.

Is control a form of safety?

1000% yes.

When we try to control our environment and our feelings,

We link our emotional and mental health to it,

And even sometimes our physical health to an outcome.

What happens when the outcome doesn't manifest or come to fruition as we have pictured in our minds?

Let's take it another step further,

Right?

What happens when our expectations are not met?

We are often disenchanted by the results we get,

Right?

We feel like we failed.

We have big emotional responses that do not serve us most often,

Instead of simply welcoming what has occurred or what was meant to occur.

Now,

I will say control can also be a trauma response.

So,

For example,

Suppose you've had an experience that is unsafe,

Chaotic,

Or maybe you've had an unsteady past,

Emotional abuse,

Physical abuse,

Whatever it is.

In that case,

We often set patterns in our thinking and beliefs to help guide us to always be safe,

Right?

And so therefore we're using safety as control.

Outside of our trauma response,

I want you to think about the fact that most of us are not conditioned to be unattached.

Our global society has many echoes and teachings that create attachments to outcomes.

You know,

If you go to school,

You will get a great job.

If you get married,

You're going to ensure yourself a lifetime of happiness.

And we get even more finite in our little nuances.

Girls,

If you don't wear short skirts,

You'll be safe while enjoying a night out.

There's risk and reward always,

And that creates attachment.

The craziest piece to all of this is the moment that you decide to be present and let go of control is the exact moment you gain control.

You gain mental control of allowing.

You gain emotional control to not be tied to what has not unfolded.

You gain freedom because non-attachment is freedom.

The Dalai Lama once said,

Attachment is the origin,

The root of suffering.

Hence,

It is the cause of suffering.

Think about what Demi said.

She's given up experiences because she needs an agenda.

She needs control.

She's removed herself from partnerships because it's easier than not being in control of her time or the experiences that she may have.

Removing ourselves from the pleasures of life can cause us to suffer.

Another benefit to non-attachment is that you don't have to spend your time chasing things.

We don't have to chase moments and feelings or whatever it is that you've chased or maybe are actively chasing.

Instead,

You give yourself permission to be in the world around you just as it is,

Just as you are.

You allow yourself to find that flow of ease.

It's finding the inner peace and operating through the perspective that life is actually working out for you,

That you can and must trust the process of life,

And that you have the power within you to own whatever comes.

That's that inner trust.

Is that hard?

Of course it is.

Can we be unattached all the time?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I'll let you know when I get there.

Of course,

I practice non-attachment all the time,

But sometimes my own humanness does get away with me.

With that,

Let's go into an extremely simple practice to help you whenever you find yourself attaching to a certain outcome or a negative emotion.

This works there,

Too,

Because we,

Again,

Can be attached to our emotional body.

So,

First things first.

I want you to start questioning your motives for the attachment.

You may have heard me say on repeat,

And I do get it.

I say it a lot.

We have to get down to just the facts of every situation.

We extract the emotion and look at the actual set of facts.

So,

No,

I feel,

I think,

It is this happened,

And then that happened.

I responded this way.

It's that back and forth of truth.

And here,

We do that.

Because a big part of practicing non-attachment is challenging your habits and your norms,

The patterns,

Your perspective,

Your mindset.

It requires you to question the motives behind your certain actions and exploring those automatic thoughts and feelings that you carry with you throughout the day.

What does that mean?

It means that you have to put effort into your thinking.

You have to put effort into your why.

Why do I feel the need to spend my time trying to figure out plans B,

C,

And D when I haven't even allowed plan A to start,

To begin with?

Why do I get upset about plans changing or cancellation?

What about that makes me feel unsafe?

Why do I continually engage with people who hurt me?

Right,

That's attachment to a relationship.

What is your why?

What motivates you to be attached to these things that clearly do not serve you?

It means that you have to put in an effort,

Right,

Effort into thinking,

Not just about what you are doing,

But why.

Why do you feel the need?

It's so important.

Why is it so upsetting?

What do I need to know?

Questioning your motives is one way to raise your awareness about the things that you're attached to.

You must first have awareness before you can make any behavioral,

Any thought,

Any feeling changes.

It's here I usually get one question,

And it is,

Well,

How will I know if I'm attached?

And the answer is,

By the way you feel.

When you think about a moment,

A person,

A thing,

And you feel emotional,

Whether overwhelmed or upset or fear of loss or failure,

You can make the leap that you're attached to the moment based on your feelings.

Now you can attach in a positive way too.

Perhaps you feel hopeful,

Excited.

You are anticipating.

But what would happen if that didn't unfold as expected?

We tank.

The first thing we want to do is to become mindful of the attachment,

And then we can lean into some questions where we really examine and dig deep into the attachment.

So,

One,

How is this attachment serving me?

That's the first thing you could ask.

I'm attached to this moment.

Why?

Now,

How is this serving me?

Then you can ask the next question.

Will my expectations and my thought patterns change this outcome?

Probably not.

You know,

The next one is,

Does my worry create change?

I mean,

In some ways,

I guess it can if you've created a solution out of worry,

But most of us don't,

Right?

Does my need to control the experience create safety?

Big questions.

Keep in mind that attachment should be a sign that you're not living mindfully in the present moment.

That you are in the future trying to formulate answers based on what you know,

What you've already experienced before,

So your past,

And you get out of the flow of the moment,

And it's very likely that you miss something that you need for the next moment.

Think about what a shame it is to be so attached to something that you're formulating,

And you miss what you need right here,

Right now,

And so you actually get in your own way and can never create what you want in the first place.

Doing this also creates resistance.

How many times have you heard yourself say,

If this doesn't happen this way,

I don't want it.

Is that actually true?

You probably do want the thing,

The experience that you've been thinking about,

But you only want it on your terms,

And resistance is being at odds with your current state of life.

It's putting one foot on the brake while trying to rev the engine and go at top speed.

It never works.

From here,

We get to lean into choice.

You can always choose something differently.

Always.

It truly does not matter the experience.

You can see the experience,

Honor it for what it is,

And allow it to be.

Yes,

It takes practice,

But yes,

It is worthy.

You can observe the emotions that rise,

And instead of becoming the emotion,

Taking it on,

Living it,

Experiencing every moment of it,

You can question it.

Do I really need to be in this moment like this?

Probably not.

This is,

In essence,

The art of witnessing,

Exploring,

And then deciding what is worth keeping and what is worth letting go.

What's so interesting about all of this,

About the art of non-attachment,

Is that it is the baseline to self-trust,

Confidence,

And inner peace.

When you trust yourself,

You know that everything's okay,

And that knowing builds confidence.

It lets you know that you can move through life without getting in your own way,

And when you get there,

What happens?

You peacefully engage with your life.

You build on that inner trust.

It's a very powerful,

Connected moment when you first begin to practice non-attachment,

And then you allow it to be in your daily flow.

All of that invites potential and possibility into your mindset,

Into your actions,

And most certainly into your feelings.

Yes,

Control does seem easier to create than allowing,

But is it really?

Doesn't creating control take up so much more headspace than just allowing what is to be?

Even moving through non-attachment is faster and less work than continually being in your head and getting in your own way.

So practice these steps.

Witness that you are already empowered to thrive in your life.

You don't have to control every moment.

One beautiful affirmation that you can offer yourself as you build into this practice and create daily habitual thinking of non-attachment would be,

I am willing to see how and where my life goes when I'm actively in my moments.

That feels good,

Doesn't it?

Demi,

Thank you so much for your question.

Challenge yourself,

Ladies.

Of course,

It is an essential step to growth and getting your life together.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Wow.....I so needed to hear this! As always Danielle, your wisdom and truth telling have helped me see clearly what I need to do. Thank you, my sister, you have made a difference today. 🌻