How Trauma Shows Up - A Mindset Reset

There’s not a single one of us that escapes the ups and downs of life. It is the way we learn, after all. But, those moments are often given a label, and that label is trauma. How trauma shows is today’s mindset reset, and it was inspired by the question: How can we identify if we have unhealed trauma guiding our behaviors?

Transcript

There's not a single one of us that ever escapes the ups and downs of life.

We all bump into,

Connect with,

And even sometimes drown in the things that don't work for us.

In many ways,

It is how we learn,

After all.

But when those moments are extreme,

They are often given a label,

And that label is trauma.

And that's what we're leaning into on today's Mindset Reset.

Kim from Detroit,

Michigan wrote in and said,

Hey girl,

I'm in an interesting place in my life.

My father recently passed away,

And at his funeral,

Many of my family members began to ask me about my feelings of his passing.

He and I had a long history.

There was abuse,

Whether it was mental,

Emotional,

And sometimes physical.

And as I got older,

We both acted like it didn't exist.

But as my family began to open up more,

I feel that I don't remember everything that has occurred.

It's as if I don't have full access to my memories.

However,

Since that day,

And many conversations later,

I have begun to notice that my behavior is somewhat different.

It's almost as if I'm reverting back to the things that I used to do when I was younger,

Like needing to prove myself,

Or feeling like I need to be right,

Or having a hard time keeping my boundaries.

I recently read one of your posts about trauma and how it shows up in our bodies and in our lives on Instagram.

And now I'm questioning myself,

How can we identify if we have unhealed trauma guiding our behaviors?

I hope you can help.

Well,

Kim,

First,

Let me offer my condolences.

No matter the relationship,

A loss can be triggering and certainly upsetting.

As to your question,

How can we identify if we have unhealed trauma guiding our behaviors?

This is a huge,

Huge question.

It's a question that can lead people into years worth of therapy.

And unfortunately,

There's not a one-size-fits-all kind of answer here.

We can talk in some generalizations,

And I'm happy to do that.

But please remember,

These are very wide-range behaviors for all kinds of different reasons.

So first and foremost,

Let's review the definition of trauma again.

We have a new definition of trauma,

And it makes so much more sense than our previous understanding.

So trauma is anything,

For any reason.

And it comes down to your personal,

Emotional,

Physical,

And even mental response to a distressing or dysregulating event.

Unlike the challenging moments we experience,

Traumatic events often feel sudden and unpredictable and involve a degree of personal control or sense of safety or our comfort being rocked.

When this occurs in childhood,

A child will often bury their pain in order to uphold the feeling of being loved by their parents.

You may have heard the saying,

A child doesn't stop loving the parent,

They stop loving themselves.

This is so true.

Kim even mentioned that she buried many things to remain connected with her father.

It happens more often than we realize.

Now,

When it comes to trauma,

There are many different types,

From acute to chronic,

Complex,

Secondary,

Adverse childhood experiences.

Those are just a few.

We aren't so much worried or talking about today the different types of trauma as we're talking about the way that trauma impacts our lives,

The way that we show up.

Again,

These are generalizations.

But when we do not heal our trauma,

We can often move into a state of trying to fix others.

This is a big one.

This is one of the top ones that we often see.

And this is where we overextend ourselves,

Give more than we really have time to offer,

Whether that's emotionally,

Spiritually,

Physically,

Or financially,

Even mentally.

And we try to fix others so that we have this sense of control.

Think about it.

When there's trauma,

What happens?

We feel out of control.

And if we try to fix others,

We're trying to fix the environment so that that control can be created.

Of course,

It's never long lasting.

We also often see people who have dealt with a lot of trauma,

But have not done the healing work,

Have this sense of validation,

Right?

That they need to have validation outside of themselves.

So they do a lot of good deeds in hopes that they can start to feel good.

Again,

This is short term because external validation will never feed us completely,

Right?

Fill us up unless we believe what is being validated.

It's often this sense of,

See,

I am a good enough person.

What you said to me doesn't actually apply because I'm doing all of these good things.

There's also this big increase of trauma related to people-pleasing.

We often see people-pleasers,

But we don't necessarily always understand why they do it or how it can be derived from a past situation.

So people-pleasing is really a coping mechanism.

It is this thing that we try to develop so that we can have,

Again,

A sense of security in ourselves and in our relationships.

These people who people-please will often try to manage other people's feelings by agreeing with them,

Even if they actually disagree.

They don't want to cause problems.

Generally,

This is because we've been taught that our opinions do not matter,

That we should be seen and not heard,

Be quiet and fade into the background.

Those that are people-pleasers,

Because of their trauma,

Usually take on way too much because they think that other people will love them that way.

They say sorry too often.

They give too much of themselves and it impacts their personal well-being.

We also see people in trauma states find themselves in codependent relationships.

Why?

Well,

It's thought that childhood trauma often sets the foundation for a person to be codependent later in life.

While in codependent relationships,

One person will sacrifice their own needs and really wants in order to meet and please their partner.

They even can become too overly enmeshed and lose their sense of self.

There is often an imbalance of power where one person becomes overly controlling or dominant.

You can probably see how these first behaviors really overlap.

But we also see people living on high alert,

You know,

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There's often a fear of abandonment.

There's also this deep need to prove themselves and also improve themselves so they can let go of the rejection,

Let go of all the limits and beliefs that were handed over to them that they know actually do not belong to them,

To their thoughts,

To their feelings,

To their soul.

Trauma often results in low self-esteem because of that.

Many times we're taught not to love ourselves,

Which brings forth the feeling of not being good enough across the board.

We're not lovable.

We're not enough.

We aren't fill in the blank.

With that comes low or no self-worth.

How can you be worthy if you don't see that you are?

How can you feel worthy if you're told that you're not?

Now,

Of course,

There are many ways that trauma shows up and there are many ways that it shows up when it is unhealed.

I'm going to hand over a few other ones,

But then let's talk about how we can start working through the healing as well.

So trauma can have an impact with us having a hard time setting boundaries.

We also are often more likely to tolerate abusive situations because it feels normal to us,

Even when we know it's not right.

We ignore our needs.

We often have attachment issues,

Both in being overly attached and not being attached to anything.

There's substance abuse.

There's refusing to stand up for yourself,

Being quick to anger,

Not being emotionally regulated,

Anxiety,

Depression,

Feeling like you have to make yourself invisible.

Again,

There is a long,

Long list.

These are just some of the top ones.

So beyond finding your way into a therapist,

A counselor,

Or a practitioner that is trained in trauma,

Where can you start to process?

I do caution you.

This is hard work doing it alone.

It is always best to be guided by someone who knows how to help you isolate the moments,

Help you process them,

And not leave you in a space of survival mode or completely rocked or,

You know,

Emotionally just devastated.

We don't want that.

But if working with someone is out of your reach,

Let's begin to break down the walls of trauma in four steps.

Again,

Better to work with someone,

But here is a starting point.

So first things first,

I want you to get your experience out.

We want to do this piece by piece.

You can write a generalized statement,

You know,

This is what happened to me,

But we want to move into the finest detail,

The finite details,

So individually.

And I want you to tell the stories.

Put it on paper,

Record it into your phone,

Tell a loved one.

It doesn't matter,

But tell your story.

And do not,

Let me say that again,

Do not downplay it.

When we have had trauma,

We often tell ourselves we're being dramatic.

It wasn't that bad.

Do not do that.

This is your experience.

Remember,

Trauma is anything for any reason.

Allow your feelings to arise and be with whatever they are.

So that's step one.

Get your experience,

Feelings,

And thoughts out.

Step two,

Begin to look at how it made you feel.

A really great way to lead yourself through this exercise is to begin to look at the individual moments and write out sentences that start like,

This is how I felt when this moment made me feel dot,

Dot,

Dot.

Stay with your feelings rather than pushing them away.

The first step is about putting down the facts.

This step is about bringing your feelings to the facts.

Step three,

Begin to explore how each of those moments impacted your life.

Explore how those moments shaped who you are now.

What we are doing is looking at the connection between then and now.

How has this shaped me?

What do I like about that?

What do I want to change?

How will I do so?

And that's step four.

Give yourself space to state what you want from this point forward.

Allow yourself to create a plan for your growth and change.

Trauma is difficult to endure and yet most of us have no ability to avoid it on some level.

Once you recognize it,

The question is,

What will I do with it now?

Kim,

I hope this answers your question.

Ultimately,

If you see something within yourself that makes you uncomfortable or that you do not like,

The question becomes,

Why is it there and what do I want to do with it?

You are in charge of your mindset,

No one else.

So I challenge each of you to give yourself space to be free of anything that doesn't work for you.

I hope this helps.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.