How To Validate Someone's Experience: A Mindset Reset

Relationships require work. They also require us to lean in to validate our experiences, and this validation can run up against what others need and want. The path to validating someone else's experience starts with active listening. This mindset reset guides you through sustainable tools to create connection and validation even in your most challenging relationships.

Transcript

As humans we are wired for connection and community.

We thrive best when we know we are supported,

Cared for,

And have someone we can lean into to help us fulfill our emotional,

Mental,

And physical needs.

This connection creates safety and helps develop the lens through which we see the world.

When we don't feel as if we have these basic emotional and mental needs in place,

We fall into the gap of anxiety,

Depression,

And a host of all other negative feelings and expressions.

How we respond to people in our lives goes a long way in fostering our connection and it starts by simply learning how to validate someone else's experience.

Ms.

Terri Rine wrote in and said,

Danielle,

My 18 year old daughter is experiencing many of life's ups and downs right now.

After 22 years of marriage with her father,

I left because the union was no longer supporting my emotional or mental needs and wants.

She's also been experiencing a breakup with a long-term friendship and my father passed away during all of this.

She was extremely close to him and all three events occurring while she's trying to establish herself as a young adult was a bit more than she could handle.

While I've tried to help her navigate these experiences,

I've realized that I don't have much emotional intelligence.

To use your words,

I deep dived into everything you've written about emotional intelligence,

But I was hoping you could help me use all that I've learned to deepen our conversation and validate her experience and her emotions.

It's not helpful for me to say I understand.

She feels like I'm not acknowledging her and I need to be able to connect.

Thanks for all you do.

Without you,

Many of us would be lost,

Including me.

Terry,

Thank you for your kind words and yes,

I'd be happy to help you put that emotional intelligence and your communication skills to work.

So first,

Let's talk about why validating another person's experience is so important.

It doesn't matter whether it's your daughter,

Your spouse,

Your best friend,

Or your co-worker.

When we listen and validate,

We give the person who is relaying their experience a direct and clear message that they are seen and heard,

And that their experience and how they feel,

Think,

And are processing it is understandable,

Authentic,

And even sometimes logical.

Before we go any further though,

I want to say you can 5,

000% validate someone's perspective without agreeing to it.

Okay?

You have to know this.

This is the most significant aha moment that I can hand over to you right now in our time together.

We often feel that we have to agree with someone or the way that they're showing up or what they're saying or doing or the entirety of the experience itself to support them.

But that's not the truth.

We don't have to try to save or rescue or redirect or agree in order to validate someone's experience.

So important.

Every one of us has a different relationship with our moments and each of us shows up as we see fit and how our thought process is,

How our belief system is,

And even our values.

And just because someone is say a family member or close to you in no way means that they hold the same core values or the core beliefs.

So I want you to remember that.

You don't have to agree to validate.

Now that that's on the table,

Let's talk more about what happens when we validate moments for other people.

By validating people's emotions and feelings,

It prevents conflicts.

It creates mutual understanding.

It puts us in other people's mindset so we can meet them where they are.

It develops more harmonious relationships because they're not built in judgment.

And it becomes a more welcoming space,

A safe space for open communication,

Reflection,

And mutual support.

As to Terry's question,

How do we do this?

Let's go through the steps that all of us can use when we actively engage with anyone,

Anytime,

For any reason.

First,

We must be present when someone is before us,

Sharing their experience,

A thought,

Or an emotion.

We have to be active listeners.

When someone shares their experiences and their feelings with you,

Listen from their point of view.

You have to give 100% of yourself in order to have undivided listening.

When we listen,

We often feel the need to interrupt others too,

To connect.

And this does not in any way support the other person.

If you need to interrupt or interject,

Use your body language.

Okay,

So the first step is listening.

The second is to really get into a different style of communication,

Which is the body language.

You can nod,

You can make eye contact,

Lean in,

Hold their hand if appropriate.

This allows you to connect and allow the other person to be seen and heard.

Now,

The next piece is to allow empathy to be your guide so that you can help identify their feelings.

Very important.

Now,

Empathy is very different than sympathy.

Empathy is sharing a person's grief,

Feeling happy when their loved one receives good news,

Or considering another person's feelings and well-being when making a decision.

Compassion is a critical element of human relationships and it's found in empathy.

No matter the situation that's being relayed to you,

Lean into empathy.

This is a baseline of I see you,

I hear you,

I understand.

Next,

If necessary,

Ask questions.

I call these discovery questions.

Some examples would be,

Do you want to talk about how that made you feel?

Right?

Somebody gives you some information.

You say,

Do you want to talk about how that made you feel?

Or,

I'm sorry this happened.

Tell me more so I can fully understand and support you.

Or,

What do you think about this?

Or,

What does this mean to you?

Open-ended questions not only help you understand,

But it takes the person relaying the experience into a framework of curiosity.

When we are curious,

We can often find a solution for ourselves through the answers and responses we are given.

This is so important.

This is validating,

But it also guides them into self-discovery.

From there,

After you've listened to the thoughts and feelings reflected on what was said and on what you heard,

You can begin to build trust.

And that is done by the sentences that you speak.

And that can sound like,

I appreciate that you shared this with me.

How validating does that feel?

Right?

I appreciate that you trusted me.

Another way to say that is,

It's perfectly natural to feel this way.

I understand how that situation could make you feel.

Your feelings make total sense to me.

I see that this has hurt you.

I'm with you.

You know,

Feelings don't go away,

So anytime you need to talk,

I'm here.

These are very validating words.

These are very validating within our experience.

Now,

Here's another aha moment for you.

Most of us try to validate someone else's experience through sharing our own personal experience.

Depending on the moment,

This can be taken as self-centered,

Egotistical,

Or that you lack care.

Handing over our experiences is kind of a dangerous tight rope to walk because you don't know if it's validating or if it's condescending.

So,

It's very necessary,

And here's another aha moment,

To not share your experience without asking for permission.

Right?

We do not ask for permission to be involved in someone else's moment with us.

So,

That sounds like,

I hear you.

I've had something very similar happen to me.

Would it help if I shared my experience with you?

Or,

I understand.

I've been there.

Would you like to know how I handled it?

Keep it short and simple,

If it's appropriate,

And then really get into a space where you share in order to validate.

You don't have to go deep into detail.

What you want to do is allow that person to know they are not alone,

And what they feel is not unimportant,

And that someone else has been there,

Too.

In general,

It's really best to listen more and talk less,

But if you do share,

Make sure that the connectivity is there.

Right?

We want to make sure that there's validation.

Then,

Don't forget to validate that person's feelings about your experience.

This is important,

Too.

You know,

Please don't say,

Well,

You know,

This isn't about me.

This is about you.

Validate.

If you've handed over your experience after you have gotten permission,

Allow them to speak their feelings about your truths.

If someone says,

Wow,

That must have hurt you,

Answer truthfully,

Yes,

It did.

That's why I understand where you're coming from.

That builds validation.

That builds mutual trust.

From there,

Help to get to a solution,

Not a resolution.

I'm going to say that again.

Help get to a solution,

Not a resolution.

Solution thinking is a guide.

It's the beginning of a plan,

Not helping someone solve their problems.

When we try to solve other people's problems,

That's where we begin to feel judged or not seen and heard.

The more someone feels like they are understood,

The more likely they will allow themselves to relax inside their emotions,

And this brings a sense of relief.

To get further into a solution frame of mind,

Ask more discovery questions.

What do you need right now?

Now,

This is a tricky question because often when we are in the thick of things,

We don't know what we need,

And we will say,

I don't know.

Don't push if that's the answer.

Remember,

We're allowing someone to show up,

Give their experience.

It's not our job to fix.

So another question is,

If this was happening to me,

What would you tell me to do?

This question always helps us step out of the moment and see something from a different perspective.

Another question that you can throw out there is,

I see that this situation is difficult for you.

Do you want us to look for solutions together?

That last question opens the door to look at the situation more broadly,

And it helps feel like we have community.

Lastly,

If we feel that the discussion is about to be completed,

Check how that other person is feeling.

Ask whether they want to add something,

Or if they want to talk about something else before moving on to something else.

This truly is the way to validate someone else's experiences,

And I like to call it the hands-on,

Hands-off approach.

As someone comes to me and they're actively asking for connectivity and validation of their experience,

I will often ask myself,

What is my role in this conversation?

Am I solving a problem?

Am I leading the solutions?

Am I listening?

Am I supporting?

What is my role?

If I know my role,

I can follow the practices that I have in place for myself.

This is important.

This is a very important thing that we all must practice.

Now,

Before we wrap up,

I want to give you some invalidating expressions that a lot of us have used at one time or another,

And we have to try to avoid them if we want to help connect to others fully.

So those expressions or statements are,

Don't be so sensitive.

You shouldn't feel that way.

I think you're overreacting.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

This situation could be worse.

Don't think about it.

Just move on.

Crying will not solve anything.

I would have done something completely different if I were you.

You're the only one who feels that way.

There's no reason to worry about it.

Why don't you just try to get over it?

Why is there always drama with you?

There's always something wrong.

Remember,

Validating is not giving of our own experiences.

It's not judgment.

It's not agreeing or disagreeing.

It's not taking pity.

It's not only focusing on the positive to escape discomfort.

Validating someone's experience is about being present.

It's about listening.

It's about supporting and not fixing.

It's about truly hearing and offering support regardless of your opinion.

Like anything,

This is a practice.

A practice that I challenge you to show up to every single day.

It is a relationship builder.

It is hard as hell sometimes,

But it's so worth it.

Thank you,

Terry,

For your question.

I hope this helps you and others elevate your experience,

Your emotional intelligence,

Your active listening,

And most certainly your relationships.

We all deserve that.

We all deserve to be seen,

Heard,

And allow connectivity to grow.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Wow, so powerful and informative to help with any relationship. This should be taught in elementary school to everyone! Thank you so much for sharing this and thanks to the lady for asking the question! ❤️‍🔥