Do You Know How to Start Over?

Every day we have an opportunity to start over—to dig our heels in, extract what is working in our lives and give ourselves permission to release what is not. As simple as that sounds, the radical act of starting over is far simpler said than done and can be paralyzing for some. Yet, no matter how many roadblocks we put in place or experience in our lives, the truth is: each of us has the power to start over and begin again, no matter our circumstances, our age, or any other excuse we may use to keep ourselves trapped in the small boxes we were never meant to live within.

We’re taking a deep dive into starting over, how we must confront what makes us uncomfortable, we’ll move through a plan on how to start over in a grounded, centered, and mindful way, and then, we’ll uncover how starting over leads us into self-love and inner peace in ways we never thought were possible.

This conversation is a shift in perspective to help you create a grounded blueprint to start over.

Transcript

It's time to lean into your deepest truth and ask yourself some really heavy but important questions.

So here they are.

Am I happy with my life?

Do I love my life?

Do I love myself?

Am I at peace?

I told you,

Big heavy questions.

I'm coming out swinging,

Aren't I?

In all seriousness,

This conversation is so needed and was inspired by two beautiful women who are long-standing community members of the Get Your Life Together Girl Instagram page.

One has walked through hell,

Really picked herself up,

Chased her dreams,

And then found herself fearful about the brilliant change she so necessarily created.

And the other has been riding a rollercoaster of a relationship that has caused far more harm than good.

As we chatted this week,

It made me realize how necessary this conversation is not only for them,

But for most of us.

Starting over is never easy,

Yet most of us experience it at one time or another.

Whether it's from a relationship ending,

Divorce,

A job change,

Moving to a new city,

A death,

Releasing trauma,

Or any small transition in life that throws us into a new space,

You know,

Onto new paths.

All of those situations and experiences and,

You know,

A million others that I haven't mentioned,

Can be overwhelming and can really feel like full stops in our lives.

And while starting over generally has a bad rap because of the way we feel,

The truth is that starting over is often THE path each of us needs to get our lives together,

To find true self-love and inner peace,

To get to a place where we feel fulfilled.

Now,

Before you reject that statement,

Let me say,

The biggest full-fledged restarts in our lives can be frightening.

They can be scary as hell.

They can cause us to tank and anticipate all of the unwanted outcomes that may possibly enter our lives.

Many begin to honor the idea of struggle and sometimes refuse to be moved until they hit a breaking point and realize they must actually take action or they're going to be moved without their full participation.

Even if you are not here today,

It's likely that you have been here or you will meet this space again.

If you have been here and things still don't feel settled or right,

No matter how long it's been,

You may have missed a few things along the way that can still change your mindset and the roadmap you are creating for yourself and your life.

You know,

Life has a way of giving us full stop second chances,

Hell,

Third and fourth and,

You know,

Four hundredth chances,

So that we can elevate our lives through monumental breakthroughs and own our fullest sense of self,

Purpose,

Potential,

And again,

Find that profound self-love.

So,

Let's jump in.

Let's talk about what it takes to start over,

How you can effectively and mindfully create something new,

And then let's talk about how stepping into the wilderness of this new path can create self-love.

But first,

Let's paint a picture,

Right?

Let me give you a picture in your head that hopefully you can focus on anytime you need it and give you a deeper understanding of what true starting over really is.

So,

I want you to picture yourself coming home alone.

It's late,

Nearly pitch-black outside,

And you forgot to leave a light on both inside and out.

And no matter how long you've lived there,

That sense of being alone in the dark still has a way of rising and,

You know,

Creating a bit of nervousness and unsettlement inside of you.

And as you unlock the door and move inside,

You place your hand on the wall looking for that light switch.

We've all done that,

Right?

And you miss,

And you begin to rapidly search until your fingertips caress that switch,

Flip it on,

And the light fills the room.

What happens in that moment?

You know,

You look around,

You see that everything's okay,

That you really are alone,

And then two things occur within you.

A sense of safety finds you,

And the anxiety that was building just seconds before is gone.

You know that all is okay.

You know that the path forward to,

Say,

Your bedroom is free of possible falls and tripping hazards,

And that you have a sense of true firm footing.

All becomes right.

That's starting over in a nutshell.

And any time you feel like starting over is impossible or just too hard,

I want you to use that image.

You are in a space of short-term anxiety building in the darkness,

But all you have to do is flip on the switch.

In that moment,

In that second,

You can see the light and move forward into the next new thing.

So let's shine a flashlight on your path forward before we fully,

You know,

Flip on the switch.

If you have listened to the podcast,

You know that I love a great list of questions,

As well as definitions.

These questions will greatly benefit you when you're starting over because it really helps you get to the root of why a fresh start is needed,

How you want to feel during all of this,

And what you need.

And ultimately,

It will help you put a plan in place to do so.

So grab that piece of paper because here we go.

Question one.

Standing where you are right now,

Who are you?

Now,

When I ask this question in private session,

I often get a fast,

I don't know,

Or I don't think I know,

Or just a silent shoulder shrug.

But here's the deal.

Every single person knows who they are on some level.

I'm not saying you have to know exactly who you are in every aspect of your life because change asks us to redefine who we are,

Right?

So you may not completely know,

But at some level,

You know who you are.

So who are you?

What are your values,

Your beliefs,

Your strengths,

Your perceived weaknesses?

What emotions do you experience most?

Who are you?

Write it down.

Do some deep dive thinking.

This is important because we can't change what we don't understand.

We cannot move our lives in a positive direction if we don't have a firm grasp on who we are,

What we want,

What we feel.

And again,

We all know at some level,

But we rarely take time to think about it.

So ask yourself that question.

And then move into question two.

When you think about your overall wellness,

Your mental health,

Physical health,

Emotional,

Spiritual,

And financial well-being,

What are you most proud of?

And what do you most want to change?

Understanding the positive and the negative are extremely important.

In times of big change,

In times of starting over,

We lean into the negatives.

We lean into what's not working.

But I want you to really understand that positive and negative are both present no matter what is happening around you or through you.

Think about the ending of a relationship.

The searing pain we feel when love comes to an end can make us feel like we're unsteady,

Unlovable.

We even use those words,

I feel broken or I am broken.

These feelings are certainly things we want to change in these moments.

But after we know them,

We can look at what we're most proud of and where we are.

You know,

We may likely realize that there was something that we learned in that relationship about ourselves,

About what we want,

And we can be proud of that.

When we lean into the positive,

It gives us space to lean into the negativity without being tanked by it.

Right?

We can look at what skills and practices and tools we need in order to make our changes.

And again,

If we don't come to terms with what's happening around us,

We can't really get into a space of overall well-being.

So what do you need?

What are you most proud of?

And what do you most want to change?

What would happen if you continued to live your life where you are right now?

This is question number three.

In those feelings,

In the loss,

In whatever it is that you're needing to move through and start over,

How would you feel?

What would happen if you didn't create all-encompassing change in your life?

This is where most people get tripped up.

It's right here.

When we are thrusted into change,

Discomfort takes over.

And so often what we do is we know we have to move forward.

So we don't process our feelings.

We bury them.

We try to stand on top of them.

But in order for the change to really work for us,

We have to go all in.

We have to lean in.

We have to remember that all-encompassing change supports us in all areas of our lives.

So emotionally,

Mentally,

Physically,

Spiritually,

Financially.

And if we don't actually take a full-spectrum view of all of those things,

That change still kind of lies in wait,

Waiting for us to actually move forward.

And it could be years if we are unwilling to actually do the work.

So again,

What would happen if you stayed right where you are?

What would happen if you stayed where you are emotionally but carried on with the physical actions of your life?

I can tell you,

You might get sick.

You might really have big moments of other relationships ending because you're lashing out.

You might actually have a break in your mental wellness,

Right?

Or what would happen if you financially move on from getting a job but you don't clean up those feelings of losing your dream job?

Or you don't really address the lack or unworthiness or disappointment that you may feel?

You get it.

What would happen if you didn't do the full work and leaned in?

Question number four.

How would your life be different if you invested in yourself?

That's a straightforward question,

Right?

Don't overthink it.

Just answer it.

How would your life be different?

And the last question is,

Are you a priority in your life?

For most women,

The answer is no.

And you can really gauge whether you're a true priority in your life or not because if you get to these moments,

Right?

These full-fledged priority moments where change is knocking,

New starts are necessary,

You actually wouldn't be upended by them.

You would have a moment that would be like,

Wow,

This really kind of bites.

And then you would say,

All right,

So plan B,

C,

And maybe Z didn't start the way or end the way that I wanted it to,

But I can process it and I can move on.

You would stop feeling frustrated and really decide,

How am I going to process this?

And if you are sitting in frustration right now,

Please stop.

Put a pin in that feeling,

In that emotion for just a moment because I really do need you to hear me.

It's okay to feel that way.

It's okay if up until this point,

Until this moment,

You haven't been a priority.

Yes,

It kind of sucks that that's been the case,

But the great thing about change is it's change.

You have the power to be a priority right now.

So much research has come out recently showing that the vast majority of people don't consider themselves mentally ill,

But they also don't consider themselves mentally well.

A huge priority in this space is to really get into a place where you have solid mental,

Emotional,

Physical,

Spiritual,

And financial health.

That is where you are a priority in your life,

Where you are showing up.

It starts within this moment,

Within this witnessing,

And moving yourself into the number one position.

And when you do so,

You'll begin to see that life will take shape through the path that you so desire.

Now with that,

Let's deep dive.

Let's turn the light on,

Right,

Onto the path,

Into the room,

And talk about how to mindfully,

In a peaceful way,

Move forward.

A bit of warning before we do that work,

Though.

Do yourself a favor and don't announce you are starting over or making massive changes in your life.

Just do it,

Right?

Just actually move forward.

You don't need validation about your choices from others.

It may feel like you do,

But seriously,

You don't need to tell other people or ask for their thoughts and opinions,

For their permission,

Even.

When we do this,

We often receive feedback that makes us feel even more uncertain,

Insecure,

Unworthy,

And a host of other negatives.

When we already feel that life is not working for us and we pile more on,

What happens?

We break.

This is your life,

So make your choices.

Do what you must.

Create your change.

Create your path and do it in a healthy way that allows you to prioritize your opinions.

You can't let other people live your life for you,

Period.

Okay,

Just as we started with the questions to help us reflect and get to the baseline of where we need to be and where we are right now,

Our first step in starting over is to accept where we are.

We cannot start over by holding on to what has changed.

Starting over means to begin again.

That's the actual definition.

We cannot shift what we will not witness.

The questions you asked yourself helped you to know where you are.

Now we can accept where we are.

Remember,

Acceptance does not necessarily mean forgiveness or even understanding or even a lack of disenchantment or pain.

It means that you witness something has occurred,

You acknowledge it,

And you're ready to address the moment.

Acceptance is an act of choice.

It's a willingness to be where you are,

Even when it's uncomfortable.

The opposite of acceptance is denial,

And at the root of denial is suffering.

This,

Too,

Is a choice.

So what choice will you make?

I mean,

That's the biggest question.

What choices are you making for yourself right now?

If you can accept where you are,

You're going to likely realize that nothing lasts forever.

Nothing.

The only thing that lasts forever or the span of your lifetime is the relationship with yourself.

And in that mindset that nothing lasts forever,

We can include pain.

And for anyone who says,

Well,

You've clearly never lost anyone close to you,

Or you haven't witnessed the kind of trauma and pain that I have experienced,

I will say I have been deeply touched by grief.

And I've walked through personal trauma,

And I've moved thousands of women through trauma,

Too.

So many I've lost count.

And the deal is,

Even in the hardest moments,

Even in the most pain ever imagined,

There will be a day where that pain changes,

Where that pain eases,

Where it moves into a space where it is not all-encompassing.

There is a space where we do have a change.

In accepting where we are,

We allow ourselves to move out of that center,

Out of the thoughts that sound like,

I'll never love again.

I'm never going to find a new job.

I'm never going to be good enough for anything.

Whatever it is,

We move from that space.

By accepting,

We remove the emotions,

And we can get down to just the facts.

This occurred,

And then that occurred,

And then here we are.

This is the kind of acceptance that's necessary.

Next,

Examine your value system.

This is a big one.

It's likely that your values,

What you believe in,

What you believe to be your truth,

Has shifted.

If you're changing and evolving as a human,

And your responsibilities or circumstances have changed,

Guess what?

Your values often do,

Too.

And we all know that happens as we age,

As we actively seek growth,

Or experience massive change,

But we often don't think about needing to do it whenever we are kind of thrusted into change.

But when you have hit a crossroads in your life,

It's important to take a step back to examine what's important to you,

Just like those questions that we asked ourselves,

Who are you?

What is your core values now?

What happens in your day-to-day life that really reflects your values?

What important values are missing from your life now that things have changed?

I would encourage you to take a moment to create a personal vision statement,

Too.

The act of writing something down and then reading it daily reinforces the message and tells the brain that there's a new pattern of thought that you want to engage in.

So as you're in creating this new vision plan for yourself,

Begin to create the new pattern of thinking,

A personal vision statement is,

Of course,

A clear,

Concise summary of who you are and where you're going,

What you want.

It serves as an anchor when life pulls you in a different direction.

Remember when I said in the very beginning,

If you know who you are,

Massive change will not upend you.

This is it,

Right?

Because you know what you need.

You know what you want.

You know how you're going to get there.

You know how you want to feel.

When you have that personal statement in place,

It's a guide for you to help you make decisions.

And it goes back to who you are and those values.

And it helps you stay focused so that you can achieve the why,

Your purpose.

This is so needed in our lives,

Especially when we're in a state of new beginnings.

And that's step three in starting over,

Right?

Get down to the why and how.

Again,

When big things occur,

We may never uncover why if we don't get down to the baseline,

To the root.

Contrast occurs in our lives to show us what we need.

Hard things happen because we need to be shown what we do not want and what we do.

We see big changes as bad,

But seriously,

Just because a door closes doesn't mean that a fresh beginning is just beyond the horizon.

Sometimes we have to make room for things.

We have to be able to receive what we do want and what we need.

And if there's already something filling that gap,

Wouldn't it make sense that that gap has to be opened?

Of course it does.

You already have examples of this in your life today.

You just have to look back.

You have to look at,

You know,

Those moments where things shifted.

But now,

Because of that shift,

You have something so much better.

I'll give you a quick example of that,

You know,

Experience in my own life.

In 2016,

I had what I thought was a really great group of supportive girlfriends.

Little did I know that in my absence,

I was often the center of their negative conversations.

A few of the women saw me as competition.

I saw them as sisters.

So we weren't in alignment.

This was the same year that all hell broke loose in my life and I started my own growth and healing journey.

I remember sitting in my office on the floor,

Of all places,

With the journal in my hand trying to process the really strong and raw emotions of everything that I had experienced over the last,

I believe it was about 60 days at that point.

It was,

You know,

Losing two parents and nearly losing our daughter and becoming sick myself from all of the stress and really the unwillingness to look at my own emotional pain.

And I actually have that journal still available to me today.

I kept it because it was so important.

And in that moment,

I wrote,

I am willing to let go of anything and anyone that is holding me back and is not supportive in my life.

Anyone that has ill intentions,

Is not supportive,

Or does not deserve my love and attention,

I am willing to let it go.

That was a blanket statement.

I remember writing it with such fear because I refused to put any parameters on the statement.

I didn't say that excludes my children or my very best friends or my husband.

It was a harsh anyone,

Right?

Anyone in my life that I am not aligned with,

You can go.

Within two weeks of writing that statement,

Every single friendship within that group,

At least my friendship with those individual ladies,

Dissolved.

Some were spoken,

Some were unspoken,

But they were gone.

And truthfully,

For a bit of time,

I was heartbroken until I realized I had received exactly what I had asked for.

And the reason why those friendships were dissolving was because they were not in alignment with me.

They were really distractions to what I needed to be doing,

Which was healing,

To go back to school,

To be learning what it meant to truly support women and to be supported by them too.

That was my why for that change occurring.

And yes,

It hurt,

But it gave me a new beginning.

And without it,

I don't think I would be here.

I think I would still be stumbling around with those ladies feeling like I was,

You know,

In a group of people who actually gave a damn about me,

But that wasn't true.

I knew that that moment really played a massive role in my life and I look back at it now and I'm thankful that I was willing to lean in and do the hard work to accept where I was and to say,

Take it away.

So I'm going to ask you to do that too.

Why are you experiencing this change?

What are the things that are happening in your life that maybe have ended or still need to be processed and let go of that are preventing you from doing the same,

From finding out why you need to be doing this massive lean in of change?

Write it out.

Think about your goals.

What are the small building blocks that will help you move yourself forward?

Big questions with massive benefits.

Next,

Take stock of your failures and your successes.

Remember,

You have already asked and answered whether you are prioritizing yourself.

So now we take stock and instead of getting down or becoming depressed or filled with anxiety when things are not working out as you planned,

Ask yourself,

Am I counting my blessings or am I counting my failures?

Such an important question.

Such an easy thing to really identify,

You know,

Is this a failure or is this a success?

Sometimes walking out of a relationship is a success factor and we don't see it as that.

You know,

If you've gone through a lot of emotional abuse or you've had this up and down,

It's not serving you,

That could be a success.

So take stock.

You know,

Am I counting my blessings or am I counting my failures?

Write it all down.

Even the smallest victories,

Right?

I made a decision.

That's a victory,

Right?

Every night,

If you need to,

About how well that day went for yourself,

Taking stock in those blessings or your perceived failures.

Focusing on the positive helps you attract more of it,

Right?

Because it moves our mindset into a space where we're looking for the good.

And then I want you to really deep dive and look at what is working for you.

Ask yourself,

How can I elevate those things that are working?

How can I make them work on a new level?

How can I use them as the positive pushes for more growth,

For more change?

And from there,

Look at the purpose.

Look at the goals.

Look at making a decision and commit to change because that's what it takes.

Every new beginning can be life-altering if you don't just pass it by.

I want you to really own the fact that life is only worth living if you're actually truly living.

If you've lost your job and all you've ever wanted to do was teach,

Could you see this as the open door?

If your relationship ended but you've always wanted to travel and explore the world,

Maybe this is the space that you get to do that.

Maybe you're with somebody who felt like that was frivolous and didn't want to do that.

So what is stopping you from really owning your life?

Look at the moment.

Identify what's in it for you and then create a set of goals and make decisions.

You know,

Life is not going to wait for you.

So the minute a change occurs,

You need to say,

How will I proceed?

This is so important.

And from there,

You begin to organize your life.

Do you need to go back to school?

Do you need to do some healing work?

Do you need to work with a therapist?

What do you need?

Remember,

You can't change your life if you're not going to live in a way that you're not distracted.

You know what you need and you want,

But are you willing to go after it?

About that whole going after it part.

Here,

We actually have to work up the courage to commit to change,

Right?

It takes an act of bravery to see the change in our lives and lean into it.

It's about vulnerability.

It's about self-love.

It's about showing up and self-respect and trust,

Right?

It's not easy,

But we do have to work up the courage to commit to change.

Committing to anything,

To any amount of change is no easy feat.

It does take a sense of awareness and attentionality.

It takes all of those understandings that you uncovered with the questions you first asked yourself during our time together.

Once you know your values,

Your goals,

Who you are,

And where you're starting from,

It's then time to map out your next move to commit to the change.

In a lot of ways,

This step is more about mindset and perspective than anything else.

Rather than starting over,

We need to then change our language from here on out.

I'm not starting over.

This isn't a breakup.

This isn't a job loss.

This is a life revolution.

It is a growth phase.

It is a fresh movement,

A fresh start,

A new path.

It is a way to say,

I am committing to myself.

And from here,

It only gets better.

I am getting my life together and I am the one who's in charge.

That feels good,

Doesn't it?

How you speak to yourself matters.

How you think in this process matters.

In this space,

It's going to make a massive difference whether you have put yourself into a positive mindset or a negative frame.

How you speak to yourself really matters.

Change the language from was or had to am and are.

I was in a relationship.

I am now single and exploring my needs.

I was working as.

Now I'm headed back to school to follow my dreams.

My life was an absolute mess.

It was falling apart,

But now I'm getting it together and I'm excited to see what unfolds.

Watch your language externally and internally.

Then commit.

Commitment in the way that even when things get hard,

When you feel like you want to quit,

When you are really struggling,

Create a space where you still show up.

Create a list of promises that you're willing to make to yourself.

Write them down and keep reviewing them week after week.

The more you feed your brain,

The positive,

The more the brain looks for the patterns.

I know I keep saying that,

But I have to reinforce it.

What you tell yourself so matters.

Please actively speak to yourself in a way that you support your change instead of allow the change to support you in negative factors.

Big,

Huge mindset shift.

As you are moving along this new path,

Keep checking in on yourself,

Right?

That's the next piece to all of this.

Like anything you experience in life,

You're going to have ups and downs because progress is never linear.

It's not a straight line.

Healing is not a straight line.

Your life is not a straight line.

Everything you experience is not linear.

It has its ups and downs.

And if you're at the point in your life where you're looking to create change,

Keep checking in on yourself and be so radically present that you know if things go south,

You will be okay.

You can and will get back up and try again because you know who you are and what you want.

As you check in,

Prepare for the moments of weakness.

Having moments of regression,

Stumbles,

And challenges when you're moving into change is completely normal.

In fact,

I always say that it's not a step backwards,

But instead it's a pin in the moment.

It's saying,

I can't move forward right at this moment.

I need to collect a little bit more stability.

I need to change my thought process.

I'm just going to hold still for just a second,

But you need to prepare for those moments.

Don't see these moments as yet another full stop.

Instead,

Just know that there is an ebb and flow to life and that true change is within your life and therefore you're going to experience those moments.

Lastly,

I want you to celebrate the hell out of your progress,

Right?

I want you to celebrate every single thing.

Remember that you have to acknowledge progress in change because if you're doing so much work,

If everything's being burned down and you're not celebrating the good,

The mindset tanks.

For the women that inspired this conversation,

You know,

They picked themselves back up,

They created a plan,

They did the work,

They leaned in,

And they have now come into a place where they are meeting their needs and desires and they're finding that their life is shifting in true,

Tangible ways.

That is available to you too.

And each of these steps forward need to be celebrated.

It's also important for me to say that some of these big victories,

These wins that you're celebrating,

Might be very long term.

Sometimes when that occurs,

You can lose sight of what you're working toward.

So instead,

I want you to remember that the long run is actually a bunch of shorter runs.

So celebrate them.

Celebrate the small,

Little details.

Feel good about each step you take.

All of these pieces are really there to help you create and enjoy what you've really imagined for yourself.

So those are the steps,

Right?

That's the plan.

Now,

As to the question,

How does all of this create self-love?

And the answer to that is very short and very simple,

Right?

I want you to think about what happens when you take control of yourself,

Of your emotions,

Thoughts,

Of your life in general.

When you offer yourself compassion,

Trust,

Kindness,

What happens when you see yourself in a new light,

Add new value?

When you show up,

You create self-love,

Right?

The actual definition of self-love is to regard one's own well-being and happiness.

It is plain and simple.

When you're showing up,

When you're taking these steps,

When you're actively in your life,

You are owning your well-being and happiness.

It is self-love,

Right?

Self-love is not one thing.

It is a combination of things.

It's the vessel.

It is you.

This is it.

During significant times of transition,

It is important that you look after yourself.

Give yourself true care.

Feed yourself mentally,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

Physically,

And financially,

And build self-love through your actions.

That's it.

That's why all of this leads to self-love.

That's why this leads to creating inner peace.

This is a power,

You know,

Force within your life.

And what's better than that?

Sure,

Sometimes we have to walk through hell to get to where we need to be.

But when we take control and do the work,

Create a plan,

We turn the lights on in our lives,

Right?

We're not standing at the door anxious because it's dark.

We see our footing.

We move into the space.

We let go of the scary and,

You know,

Fear-ridden,

Tripping traps that we are,

You know,

Unwilling to look at.

Instead,

We turn the light on and give radiance and space and need and joy to ourselves,

To our lives.

This is why you must welcome change.

Welcome discomfort when you need to,

Because this is how you turn on the light switch.

Do the work.

Welcome change.

You've got this.

And it is an essential step to getting your life together.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Thank you so much for your good given advice & also comforting words. 🙏
I have been going through a family estrangement over the last seven year's.
I have been broken, destroyed amongst other things, until I've come to the point it's caused me to be quite ill. Today I've had to be strong & tell myself things have to change. I need my life back as it has been non-existent! Tomorrow is my new day, of a new life....Thank you ✨️ 🙏

So glad I listened to this - and got my pen and paper out! Perfect timing. Thank you. 🙏 xx