Discovering Your Love Language

Do you know what love language you speak? Do you know how you like to have your needs, emotional connectivity, and love style met? Many understand that there is an unwritten communication of receiving, giving, and feeling love, but often how we express and expect love in return is lost in translation. We’re breaking down the importance of love languages, the different types, and recognizing your partner’s language, and we’ll connect the dots to asking for more when we’re not on the same page with our partners. Ultimately, if we understand our love language, we can strengthen all forms of communication, which results in happier, healthy, and far more grounded and productive relationships. So, let’s dive in and shift our perspectives to form emotionally intelligent relationships.

Transcript

All right,

I bet you have heard that term love language before.

You may have even been asked,

What is your love language?

And even if you have heard the term or you've done a little self-study or you've read the book in which the term was founded,

You know,

The question must be asked,

Do you understand the love language in which you speak and those closest to you speak?

You know,

It's really important to understand this.

So that's why I wanted to take just a bit of time and break it all down,

Break down what love language really means,

How we give,

Receive and process love through these love language ideas.

And then what to do if how we communicate our love doesn't align with the partners in which we are sharing our lives,

Right?

Because we have to have solid communication,

That safety net that we were talking about a few weeks ago in order to thrive in our relationships.

You know,

In that episode,

I gave you the foundations in which you must have to allow a relationship to get off the ground.

And here we're going to take it to the next level.

And we're going to talk about how we communicate,

How we really show up and how this can make all the difference in the world.

What do you think?

Should we do it?

I think we shall.

So to boil down really what that term love language means,

Our love language is how we feel loved,

Meaning how we receive it,

And then how we give love.

We often hear that relationships are a give and take,

Right?

50-50,

Even though I believe that it's really 100%,

100%.

So if we think about love language in this way,

Giving and receiving,

This is a give and take effort.

It's also important to realize that what makes us feel loved is generally how we tend to try to reciprocate love as well.

Hold on to that thought because it helps give us a deeper understanding of how we're showing up in our relationships,

Both with ourself and others.

Now before we really fully dive in,

A brief history,

If you will.

Let's give credit where credit is due.

The idea of love language originated from author Gary Chapman in 1992 when he wrote the book,

The Five Love Languages.

Since then,

It's been this premise or a guide that helps us own our primary framework for how we identify our closest relationships relative to love,

Beyond the idea or just the words of,

I love you,

Right?

That's kind of elusive,

Isn't it?

I love you.

That has different meanings to all of us.

While Chapman's focus was to help us identify how to support our partners,

It has expanded to even understanding how we feel and express love ourselves.

This is wildly important because if you've listened to any of the previous episodes,

You know by now that we are the ones that place meaning to our words and to the words of others,

To anything that comes into our life.

But here's the bigger truth.

We are also the ones who place meaning on action.

Think about it.

You may give me something and it may mean everything to you,

But if I don't know how deep the meaning is for me,

It can just be a simple gift.

So not only do we place meaning on words,

We also place meaning on actions.

That is an individual job.

So what someone else intends may not be interpreted in the way that they intended it.

This is major,

Very important to understand.

It would be like me speaking English,

But you only speak French and there's only a few common understandable words between us.

You know,

So much is going to be lost in translation,

Which can end in frustration.

And often the lines of our relationships are quickly drawn,

Right?

So fast,

Because there's no real way to meet each other in the middle.

Love can be confusing,

Can't it?

The whole point of this is there are varying degrees of love,

Different angles,

Different styles of communications.

It can be tricky to navigate,

But if we have a basic understanding of how we're showing up,

You know,

Or even showing out,

We can then create a foundation for a healthy,

Productive,

And grounded relationship.

I mean,

Can you imagine being able to swiftly wrap your mind around how someone receives love without having to move through the weeds of muddy connection and uncertainty?

Like right off the bat,

Can you imagine being able to identify how to best connect with your friend,

A close relationship,

A partner in a way that speaks to their ability to feel love and supported?

You know,

Let's go a step further and say,

Can you imagine understanding how you best feel loved and supported and being able to communicate those needs out to those people that you want to have connectivity with?

I mean,

Life-changing,

Right?

So hopefully during this time together,

You'll figure that out and you'll be able to do just that.

So let's dive in.

Now,

If you are familiar with the love languages,

Know that I'm taking a bit more expansive approach to Chapman's original idea.

While I think it's a great foundation and we're going to walk through that foundation,

It's certainly respected by me and thousands,

If not millions of others.

You know,

There's so much that has been developed in the way of cognitive behavior in the last 30 years that we can apply to this foundation.

And with those two pieces together,

You know,

We can really go deeper and create better relationships.

Now,

A warning here,

This warning,

Please.

It's a big caution.

While understanding these love languages does help us show up in new and better ways,

I need you to understand and witness,

Right?

Both understand and witness that this is not a solution to relationship problems.

It's not a solution to broken communication with that same relationship that just popped into your mind.

You know,

When there are relationship issues,

Showing love is absolutely helpful,

But it doesn't resolve the issue at its core,

Right?

The only thing that resolves the issue at the core is doing the work around the problem that caused the issue in the first place.

Get that out of your thinking right now that this is going to resolve every issue that may have shown up in your relationship.

It's not.

This comes down to being able to identify how you're showing up,

Identifying how you meet the needs of your partner,

Identifying how you want your own needs met,

And then you're able to really put new connectivity in place.

All right.

Now,

Let's go back to the love languages themselves.

As Chapman's book title suggests,

There are five basic love languages.

Those are words of affirmation,

Acts of service,

Gifts,

Quality time,

And the fifth one is physical contact or touch.

Now,

Please,

I can already hear your train of thought.

It is running and I want you to catch it really quick.

I can hear your inner conversation.

Ooh,

Which of those five am I?

Wait,

I think I might be a combination of all of those,

Or maybe your inner voice is saying,

Yep,

I'm definitely gifts and quality time.

My partner is 100% physical touch.

Whatever the conversation is that is happening within your head,

I'm going to ask you to slow it down for a hot minute.

Please.

Seriously,

Press the pause button.

Let's go through each of these piece by piece and find your primary love language.

There's so much more to them than just the titles themselves.

So please,

Let's engage with them and then we'll talk about the blending of our languages.

So let's jump in to the first one.

Language number one,

Words of affirmation.

First,

What is an affirmation?

This is important to understand in order to break down this first element.

Our working definition of affirmation is an act of confirming something to be true.

It's a positive assertion,

A nod,

A yes,

A spoken,

Written,

Or nonverbal communication and confirmation.

Often we use affirmations or words of affirmations as reflections of how we feel,

Think,

And believe these are our truths.

We use them also as reflections of how,

Right?

That word how we want to feel,

Think,

And believe to be our truth.

That last sentence is so important.

We often work to direct others and even ourselves in ways that will meet how we want to feel.

Not necessarily how we feel at that moment,

But what we want in the future.

This is especially true when we don't feel like our current needs are being met.

Other words that we can substitute for affirmation to drive this understanding home would be declaration,

Right?

A declaration of how we feel or love.

Profess to profess our feelings.

Assertion.

That's another one.

Or lastly,

Even compliment.

You get it.

Words of affirmations are positive and affirming words that build us up and encourage our spirit.

These are verbal compliments,

Words of praises,

Or powerful communication tools that really drive home love,

And they really do have tremendous power to build up our relationships.

You know,

I want you to think about how good it feels when a partner or someone you're close to offers a compliment to you,

Or you receive a text that says,

Hey,

I just wanted to remind you how far you've come and how proud of you I am.

Or maybe you're being congratulated on hitting a goal.

That's something you've been really working towards,

And it feels so good to really feel their pride in you.

You know,

Words of affirmation make a very large majority of people feel really good about themselves.

And then there's that other group that really wants to absolutely dismiss,

Hide from,

Or deny the words of affirmation when they are directed at them.

Right?

It's that whole,

You really need to learn to take a compliment thing.

Right?

I don't know if any of you have heard that before.

I bet some of you have,

You know,

And if so,

Words of affirmation,

That's not your love language basis,

Right?

Don't stop listening,

But just know that really isn't aligning with what works for you.

But how do we know if words of affirmations are our foundation or even the foundation of our closest relationship?

So here,

We're going to take our conversation a bit further,

A bit deeper into the framework itself.

And look at this.

So many times when we hear or think of words of affirmation as love language,

We interchange the words affirmation with the term validation.

Now hear me again.

At no time should words of affirmation be interchanged with validation.

Here's why.

When we are affirming something,

We're offering support and asserting something as fact.

I love you.

For me,

That's a fact.

Remember our affirmation definition,

Right?

It's all back to truth.

Validation,

Unlike affirmation,

Does not always mean that the person offering the validation completely 100% agrees.

It may not be their truth.

Rather,

To validate someone is to simply acknowledge and accept their feelings,

Thoughts,

Beliefs,

And existence.

If you've ever said,

We can agree to disagree,

You're validating someone's point,

But you're not affirming them.

Does that make sense?

Right?

To affirm is to give confirmation.

To validate is to acknowledge.

To confirm something,

You must align with it.

You must believe it to be true.

You don't need truth when we're validating.

You just need to accept.

Do you see the difference?

So let's go even deeper.

Validation is an inside job.

Yes,

We can receive validation outside,

But ultimately validation comes from these perspectives in which we have of ourselves.

You know,

It comes from self-awareness.

It comes from radical genuineness to be your real self while living in the highest,

Truest,

And greatest version of yourself.

When we don't self-validate,

We struggle with outside validation too.

So there's the big difference between words of affirmation and validation.

Big difference.

It really does need to be understood,

Especially if this is your love language or it is your partner or your spouse's love language.

So let's go back to the question.

How do we know if words of affirmation are our primary operation?

You know,

Ask yourself,

How do I feel when I hear my partner,

My best friend,

Someone close to me offer me feedback,

You know,

Positive feedback?

Do I thrive on it?

Does it stick with me and really fill me up?

Will I replay it back in my head multiple times and lean into it to build myself up?

Or if I do meet something negative,

Do you find yourself suddenly saying,

Well,

That's not what so-and-so thinks of me,

Right?

If so,

Words of affirmation is absolutely your love language.

Now let's look at your spouse or your partner.

Are words of affirmation their love language too?

Think about how they respond when you give them a compliment or praise or offer reassurance.

Are your words brushed off or are they dismissed?

You know,

Do they listen to the words and really receive them?

When you see a physical response,

You know,

Like a smile,

A hug,

A genuine act of gratitude for the words that you've handed over.

When this is our operation,

Receiving words of affirmation can really help someone have a greater sense of worth.

It can even help them feel motivated.

It's feeling a boost in their spirit and feeling like there's someone out there that has gratitude and appreciation for them.

Now here's where we can strengthen our relationship.

We can actually identify this as a love language that's within our relationship and really lean into vulnerability and ask for that love language to be met,

Right?

Or we can even turn it around and ask our significant other how we can fill their needs or fill them up or even what they want to hear.

When we ask for more,

We can do this in really constructive ways.

When a partner offers words of affirmation,

Affirm them back.

Let them know that their words make you feel good,

That when they say something positive to you,

It really makes you feel good.

You can even try to use these sentences in order to meet each situation.

You know,

I love it when you tell me dot,

Dot,

Dot,

Right?

Fill in the blank.

It makes me feel good when you say whatever it is.

I feel seen and heard when you say blank.

I feel more connected to you when dot,

Dot,

Dot.

When we are affirming our feelings and the needs of others,

We tend to lock in these affirmations,

Right?

So if we know that something makes someone else feel good,

We lock it in.

We're going to use it again.

You could make learning a love language fun and even intimate because remember,

People aren't mind readers.

You aren't,

Your partner isn't,

The people around you aren't.

They may know what you like and you may know what they like,

But we don't always do or say what someone needs at the right time.

So really get curious and explore.

Here's a few more tools that you can use when using words of affirmation to go even deeper.

And we're going to quickly roll through these so we can get to all of the rest of the love languages.

Words of affirmation,

If you can't tell,

Are actually one of the primary love languages out there,

Which is why we're spending a little bit more time on it.

But a really great way,

You know,

A really great tool to use is to really lean into the communication part of these words of affirmation.

So the first thing that you can do is always be authentic.

You know,

Remember there must be truth in the words that you speak.

And if you don't bring authenticity to the table,

Someone's going to feel it,

Right?

We know when someone's not being authentic.

So bring your best self,

Your greatest truth when you speak words of affirmation.

Don't forget to be empathetic.

Put yourself in someone else's shoes.

If someone says to you,

I'm really having a bad day,

I feel really down.

And you know that the way to build them up is to give them words of affirmation.

Do so in an empathetic way.

Don't forget to also show appreciation.

People who feel fulfilled by positive words thrive in appreciation,

Right?

Remember that communication is made up of four parts.

The first is verbal.

The second is nonverbal.

The third is written.

And the fourth is physical.

So you could even show physical appreciation and really meeting the words of affirmation.

It's even doing a chore for someone or handling something that maybe your spouse or your partner doesn't have time for.

I know in my own marriage,

This is something that we do for one another.

And when we get finished with the task,

We let the other know,

You know,

Like I did the laundry because I know you haven't had time to get to it yet.

And the other will always say,

Thank you.

I appreciate you noticing and handling that for us,

Right?

That is a joint way to show appreciation,

To both feel seen and to be in it together.

We both feel affirmed.

We both feel valued.

It is really,

Truly a way to show up.

The next thing you can do is say I love you a lot,

But you have to mean it.

People who operate in this love language,

They really don't get tired of hearing I love you.

So even if you get sick of saying those three little words,

Find creative ways to say it.

Remember,

We don't always have to say I love you in order to really say I love you,

But say it as much as you can because it really does affirm them.

This is the one that I love the most and I think should be in any relationship,

Whether you speak this love language or another,

But it's a huge piece of relationship building.

And that is pointing out your partner's strengths.

Pointing out your strengths is huge.

It's so big.

It speaks volumes to how you see them,

To how they feel seen.

It's a great connectivity that sows that emotional safety net that we were talking about two weeks ago.

If you don't know what that is,

Please go back and listen to that episode.

Being seen through our strengths really helps us know that someone is watching,

That they're willing to show up for us,

And that we are really affirming and seeing each other and validating positive light.

Do this.

It doesn't matter which love language you speak.

It's so important.

Now let's move on to love language number two,

Acts of service.

Acts of service seems pretty self-explanatory,

Doesn't it?

But let's break it down.

So acts of service as a love language generally means that you look for ways to be helpful.

Like I was just talking about doing the chore that needs to be done or running the important errand or taking command or control of something that's weighing someone else down.

It's an appreciation for things being handled on your behalf.

When acts of service is your love language or that of your partners,

It really comes down to nonverbal.

So it's a form of nonverbal communication that love is being shown through doing,

Effort,

And time.

To go deeper,

What is appreciated is the effort someone is giving.

We all do acts of service in our relationships,

So that's not really out of the norm,

But we can identify if this is our love language by how we feel when something is done for us or when it is not.

Moms,

Listen,

Listen up.

Wives,

This is also for you.

We are the worst when it comes to this.

If this is our love language,

It can really cause trouble for us.

So if we walk in and see that the kitchen is a mess and everyone has been piling up dishes instead of helping,

And they're sitting on the couch and they're on their phone completely disconnected to the work that needs to be done,

We can feel taken advantage of.

We can feel unseen.

In a short time,

Our emotions can really heighten and our upset triggers and we're responding because our love language is not being met.

How many of you identify with this?

I know I do,

Right?

So for most people who have this love language,

It really isn't about the act of service itself.

There's really no difference between doing the dishes and running the errand or making sure that the meal is on the table versus something even bigger,

Right?

There's no difference in the acts of service.

It's more about the attitude behind it.

It's feeling loved because you didn't have to ask for help.

It's feeling seen because you didn't have to do everything alone.

It's being valued.

If you came from a really tumultuous background or a past childhood,

This love language is usually pretty high in your operation because you want to be validated for how you are existing,

How you're showing up,

For having connectivity.

If you are still unsure if this is your love language,

Ask yourself,

How do I feel when my partner helps me reduce a burden or eases my stress?

Does it make me feel happier?

Do I feel fulfilled and loved?

If so,

Acts of service may be your primary love language.

Ask the same thing in regards to the person you're closest with.

In the same way that we can ask for words of affirmation to be confirmed for us,

We can lean into tools that strengthen the love language of giving or the acts of service.

The first is to pay attention to the small things.

Consider the things that your partner picks up at the grocery store that maybe isn't on your normal buy list.

Throw it in the cart the next time that you're alone,

Right?

Pick up their favorite thing.

Pay attention to their routine.

What can you do to help them make it a little bit smoother?

Can you bring the coffee into the bedroom?

This makes somebody feel really seen and appreciated when this is their love language.

It's so small,

Right?

So those little things,

The small things that can make you feel seen and even make your day a little easier,

These matter the most.

Next,

Really consider the things that your partner doesn't have time to do,

Or even if it's something that they don't like to do.

Perhaps they don't like to take the trash out,

Right?

But it doesn't bother you.

Switch the responsibilities in the household.

That will help them feel seen.

Do things that offer comfort to your partner.

When we talk about this particular love language,

A lot of people get a little frustrated with it because they feel like it takes so much more time.

Why do I have to cater to their needs in this way?

And remember,

It can be really small.

It can be something as small as perhaps it's your partner's duty to get the kids up and to school,

But they went to bed late or they were traveling.

And so you know that you have time in your schedule and you get up and you take the kids,

You let them sleep.

This helps someone else feel seen and supported.

Now this can be rather paradoxical in a relationship because if this love language is present and we ask for help,

It has to be done in a non-demeaning manner.

It can't feel like a chore because if it does,

That love language actually isn't being met.

What's important here is to cherish the effort.

We don't always get the efforts right,

But it's the effort that's there nonetheless.

And often for acts of service,

That's what really matters the most.

We've arrived at love language number three,

Receiving gifts.

Now for everyone whose first thought is gold digger,

Settle down,

Please.

That kind of negativity is not welcome here.

I'm kidding you guys.

Let's break this down because there's so much more than what may first have come to mind.

What is this love language all about?

It really comes down to someone feeling most loved when someone is thoughtful enough to gift them something big or small.

It is an act of receiving and just like the acts of service,

It often doesn't even matter what the gift is.

If you are one who speaks their love through gifting,

It really is about showing love through a wide range of tokens,

Of doings,

Of surprise gifts,

Of things,

Right?

Now does that mean that materialism is at the bottom or the core of this language?

Absolutely not.

This language is not about extravagance.

It is about sentimentality.

It's about the sentimental pieces of you giving.

It's about someone feeling cherished,

Cared for,

Seen,

And thought of even when there's physical distance between you or there's something going on that there's some separation.

Meaning you feel seen and loved if your spouse returns from a quick run to the store with the flowers that he thought reminded him of you.

Or you felt really seen when you were sick and your best friend shows up with a meal to make sure that everyone's taken care of.

When this is your love language,

It really is important that you actually feel the intention behind the gift.

Let's drill down a little bit deeper so we can uncover if this really is your love language or the love language of your partners.

The first significant sign is that you think words of affirmation are nice,

But you would prefer a physical representation of love.

You know,

Something that you can touch,

You know,

Hold in your hand or something tangible that has real value and meaning.

You may even treasure really small things.

Perhaps you're on a walk with your spouse,

Your partner,

And they pick up a flower during that walk and they hand it to you.

That could actually have real deep meaning for you if this is your love language.

You also probably put a lot of weight into effort if this is your primary love language,

Meaning you feel most validated when someone puts effort and time into giving you something.

You probably love surprises and you love feeling cherished.

You are probably also someone that really loves it when someone goes on a trip and brings back a gift or a souvenir for you.

There are so many of these that we can go into,

But the last one we'll talk about today is that special occasions have deep meaning and matter to you.

You really put a lot of effort and time and thought and energy to celebrating your birthday or celebrating your partner's birthday or your anniversary,

Your holidays,

Valentine's Day.

These days matter to you and you actually can get your feelings hurt if your spouse or partner doesn't show up for you in the way that you expect.

If they don't come in strong with meaningful gifts,

You can feel rejected,

Upset,

Or really disconnected.

If you met the majority of these,

Then gifts is your love language and it's totally okay.

Remember,

We're not just talking about material gifts.

We're talking about effort and time as well.

Now,

Are there ways that we can ask for our love language style on this end to be supported?

Of course there are.

You can talk to those closest to you about why you feel that gifts are so thoughtful.

It's important to point out that you're not talking just about material things.

Seriously,

A handwritten note,

At least for me,

Is worth 10 million times more than anything anyone can purchase at a store.

You may be the same.

Even if gifts aren't your primary love language,

It still comes down to effort,

To being seen,

To showing that you care.

Your partner may not even realize how much value you put into this form of love until you share it with them.

It can really be something small.

Do that.

Recently,

I'll tell you a little story.

Recently,

My husband started carrying one of my favorite hard candies in his pocket pretty much all the time.

That kind of makes him sound old,

Doesn't it?

Sorry,

Love.

We were watching our son's baseball practice and I noticed that he had started doing this.

So I asked him if I could have one and he said,

Sure.

And he gave me one.

I thanked him and really thought nothing more of it.

But what happened was he recognized that he was carrying something that I liked.

So for days after,

He would walk around and drop one in my hand or he would place one where I could find it.

It really is small and it doesn't even seem like that big of a thing.

But for me,

It was huge because he witnessed and recognized that him handing something over that was nothing to him meant something to me.

It was really about leaning into effort,

Noticing thoughtfulness and being seen.

We all want that,

Even if it isn't our primary love language.

We are now at language number four,

Quality time.

Quality time is the language that centers around togetherness.

It's all about expressing your love and affection by giving your attention.

What needs to be focused on in this language is the word quality.

Spending time is not enough,

Right?

It's not enough to have this love language style met.

Being in proximity of someone does not mean that there is connection.

Quality time means that you spend time with someone,

Giving them your full attention because you value the person and the connection you have with them.

Unfortunately,

Thanks to technology,

Quality time with the people that we love has really become scarce.

Add children if you have them,

Crazy schedules,

Work,

The endless doing,

Quality time can often feel impossible.

But for someone whose love language is quality time,

This lack of connectivity can really leave them feeling empty and lonely.

So how can we have this need met for ourselves or how can we meet this need for someone else in our life that this is their primary love language?

Again,

I keep saying the word,

But it really does all come back to effort.

It's engaging and making time to intentionally be together.

Does that mean that you have to go out and do something?

No.

20 minutes of sitting in the kitchen after the kids are in bed is really worth its weight in gold.

It's making sure that you just take time to slow down and be together.

And I do mean be together.

The bigger understanding here is that we have to know that quality time often equates to really having undivided attention,

Meaning you are with me all in for the time that we have together.

And you guys,

Even if that means five minutes,

That five minutes is far more impactful than not having those five minutes.

So how do we feed this love language?

If this is your love language,

It is so important to communicate that information to your partner.

It's important to explain to them what it means to you and what it does for you.

For most that operate from this love language,

They need undivided attention in a way that the phones are down.

They're not a part of the conversation.

That's an excellent practice period.

But they need someone to be completely present and aware when they are with them.

It is respectful as well.

Other ways that we can be seen in this love language is to make eye contact.

Eye contact tells someone,

You know,

You have my attention.

It's important to me that I see you and that you feel seen.

Next is to really use active listening skills.

Listening fully and actively is one of the most loving things that we can do for anyone.

You know,

It's done by focusing on what is being said,

Not forecasting what you're going to say later,

But it's leaning in and showing interest.

It's confirming and affirming the conversation.

It's asking thoughtful questions.

And it's absolutely not about offering advice unless you're asked.

This is a big one.

Remember in the Emotional Safety Net episode,

I talk about building in this practice of asking this very mindful question,

And that is,

Do you want someone to listen or do you want advice?

This is huge for someone whose love language is quality time.

You know,

You can go a step farther.

It's setting limits on technology,

Meaning you don't have the phone at the dinner table or you don't have it when you enter the bedroom,

Whatever it is.

It's really about taking the full focus when you're with someone.

One last important understanding is when this is someone's love language,

When it's yours or a spouse's,

This really isn't about focusing on quantity of time.

It's all about quality.

The amount of time often doesn't even matter if it's not meaningful.

So they may say to you,

You know,

We were around each other yesterday.

I just need a break.

Around doesn't always mean connectivity.

We have to connect by giving our full attention,

By using our active listening skills,

And remembering that the Emotional Safety Net really does mean creating a safe environment where we are emotionally,

Mentally,

Physically,

And spiritually safe.

Quality of time really leans into this.

We are rounding out the love languages now.

Number five,

Physical touch.

Okay,

For all the ladies who just jumped in and said,

Yep,

That's my husband,

That's my boyfriend,

That's my girlfriend,

That's my spouse,

Whatever.

Listen up,

Please.

This love language is not all about sex.

It's just not.

Physical touch means you prefer physical expressions of love over all of the other four languages.

And as you know,

Not all physical touch is sexual.

You know,

If you are one that this is your primary language,

You can find a hug,

A shoulder squeeze,

Having your hand held,

And even a pat on the back as something reassuring,

As something feeling good.

And for you,

That translates into meaningful connection.

Beyond intimate acts of kissing or cuddling or skin to skin,

This love language can be shown in other ways.

It can be shown as rubbing someone's back,

Rubbing your child's arm when they're hurt,

Or holding them close when you both need that connection.

It's brushing the hair out of someone's face that you love.

You see what I mean?

There are small ways to connect in this way.

Many people know instinctively if this is their love language.

They know what they feel like if their partner shows them affection through touch.

They know that holding a hand or sitting shoulder to shoulder or laying their head on someone's chest really fulfills them.

There's generally not a whole lot of question about this one.

What this comes down to is affection.

It's not so much about the touch itself.

It is about the love that is being expressed through the touch.

If your partner is one who this is their love language,

But it makes you uncomfortable to express yourself in this manner,

Give yourself permission to start slow.

Be honest about how you feel.

You know,

It makes me uncomfortable to have to touch you 500 times a day,

Right?

That's an exaggeration,

But really be honest.

Something as small as brushing your hand against theirs is a beautiful start.

With this love language,

What we are really looking for is the connectivity of you mean something to me and I want to express that in a way that shows my deep affection.

Those are the love languages.

Some of you may still be stuck in that first conversation of trying to figure out where you are and if it is even possible to have more than one love language.

And the answer is absolutely yes.

It is normal for people to have one main love language and a secondary language.

It's here that we mix and blend what makes us feel the best,

The most seen,

And how we feel loved.

Now that you understand this and probably have a better understanding of not only your love language,

But also that of your partners or those closest to you,

The big question generally comes up,

What happens if our love languages are often in conflict?

You know,

When we're not aware of our love language,

We tend to give in the same frame in which we receive.

Remember,

I told you that at the very beginning.

And this can cause trouble because we aren't meeting the needs of our significant other.

So how can we get into alignment with one another and learn to give of ourselves in a way that we're not only meeting the other person's needs,

But we're meeting our own as well.

And the first is to learn your partner's love language.

Ask the question.

You know,

Now that you've listened,

You may have been able to pinpoint it,

But I caution you to not assume.

Ask questions.

You know,

Listen to this episode together or send this episode via text to your spouse so they can listen and find out what is most important to them.

Have conversations.

And when you do,

It's your turn to be vulnerable and honest about your love language style too.

Imagine being on the same page in this way.

Here are my needs.

Here's what I want.

Here's what I like.

What do you need?

What do you like?

Let's meet each other in the middle.

When you have established your individual styles,

You must be willing to compromise.

Did you just shudder?

Most people hate to compromise,

But the truth is you're never going to be able to avoid it so you might as well lean into it.

If you can't lean in,

One or both of you are going to feel unloved and unnurtured.

And this,

That feeling is the recipe for breakdown and break up.

What I'm about to say next is big,

And it's something that I hope you'll take to heart.

It is absolutely necessary to not expect someone else's love language to change so that it better fits your needs.

This is an unreasonable expectation.

You can learn to give in your own way to meet their needs,

And the same really is reciprocal for you.

The thing is,

Our love language is formed from our past experiences,

From our perspectives,

From what we were taught,

What we know fulfills us,

And even what has been lacking in our lives.

Expecting a love language to change is an unreasonable ask.

I'm going to say that again.

Expecting a love language to change is an unreasonable ask.

Just know that you can't change people,

But we can show up for them,

And they can show up for us.

Once we understand this,

Once we understand our love language,

Then we give ourselves permission to show up as our best selves in the best way that supports everyone involved.

You know,

There is a great advantage to understanding this.

It can lead to greater satisfaction.

It can lead to shared tasks and responsibilities in relationships,

Even greater connectivity.

It can build respect and deeper friendships,

And most importantly,

It gives us the power to really support those that we love.

It even gives us power to support ourselves.

It really comes down to understanding what you need,

What you want,

And how you are going to get there.

There they are again,

Those three questions that I ask all the time.

What do I want?

What do I need?

How am I going to get there?

The love language really supports answering those three questions.

So let me ask you,

What are your love languages?

Do you have one?

Do you have two?

Do you see a mix and blend of several?

You know,

What about your relationship?

What would best support that relationship?

How will you create space to meet your needs and those that you love?

Knowing this not only serves the relationship,

It can serve you mentally,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

And physically.

And understanding that,

Showing up in that way,

It's a recipe for motivation,

For love,

For connectivity,

For knowing that you have the ability to hold space for the people that you love and that they have the power to do just that.

What a beautiful way to impact your life.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

I am reading the book right now so this was very helpful. Thank you 🙏