Creating Lasting Emotional Security In Your Relationships

How would you rate your relationships? Would you say they are stable, safe, and grounded in true connectivity? Whether it’s the relationship with a spouse or partner, family, or even friends, there’s one element needed for your relationships to thrive—emotional safety and security. Yet, most don’t realize there are grounded, actual steps needed to create trust-filled relationships with those we are closest to. Together, let's dive into connectivity, and what it takes to create an emotional safety net, and we’ll examine the small habits that have the power to shift any relationship from surviving to absolute thriving.

Transcript

We are deep diving today.

In fact,

We're going to go so deep that our conversation may expose a few areas that perhaps,

You know,

Maybe you weren't ready for.

Maybe you're not ready to see,

To look at yet.

But that's okay,

Right?

Because when we see exposures in our behavior,

In our relationships,

In our emotional bodies,

We can use these elements for growth,

Right?

We can elevate and find deeper meaning in our lives.

And so that's the purpose of today's conversation.

And I ask that you hang with me as we move through emotional connectivity and building emotional security within our personal relationships.

Again,

Because sometimes when we start to really examine what is present in our lives,

We also begin to witness what's not.

In fact,

Speaking of that word connectivity,

Let me ask you,

You know,

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word?

I have personally asked this question of more women than I can count.

And what generally happens is they begin to formulate a very similar answer.

So I say the word connectivity,

And they begin to paint a picture of connection by immediately describing their person,

Right?

Or their people,

Their kids,

Their husbands,

Their spouses,

Their wives,

Whatever it might be.

They begin to name those important people to them.

And there's generally this visual,

Physical experience that happens that most people aren't even aware is taking place.

And it's really beautiful.

But as they see their person in their mind,

There's an automatic softening that occurs.

You know,

Their shoulders tend to relax,

Their breath slows.

Some begin to even smile.

You know,

There's a true physical response that is demonstrating what authentic connection does within the body.

As we paint these pictures in our minds,

The brain reacts by flooding us with all the good hormones that true connectivity provides.

You know,

Our serotonin,

Which is sometimes called the happiness hormone.

Well,

It increases and that helps us regulate our mood and increases our happiness factor.

Our endorphins spike,

Which reduces anxiety and even helps us have less sensitivity to pain.

Our dopamine levels move upward,

Which makes us feel mentally alert.

There's this true physical response in the body.

And each of us are wired in this way.

You know,

Connectivity is one of our most basic core needs.

And it's not just the connectivity with ourselves,

But it's the connectivity with others.

The biggest issue is that not every connection is like what I just described,

Right?

Not every relationship floods us with all of those natural happy responses.

It would be great if it did,

But that's not really the truth,

Right?

The greater truth is,

Even though we're wired for connection and it's a basic human need,

You know,

To be honest,

Most people are really terrible at it.

Most of us really struggle with connectivity.

We just do.

And if you don't believe me,

Let's have a little experiment time and test this thought out so we can be on the same page.

OK,

Are you ready?

All right.

So it's an active experiment.

So I want you to raise your hand if you have perfect,

Flawless,

Uncomplicated relationships.

Again,

It doesn't matter what kind of a relationship you're engaging in,

Whether it's with a partner,

Your kids,

Your family,

Your friends.

Seriously,

If you have perfect relationships across the board,

Go ahead and raise that hand.

Now,

Keep that hand raised if you feel emotionally connected 100 percent of the time.

For those of you who still have their hands in the air,

Raise it a little higher.

If you feel emotionally supported 100 percent of the time.

Now,

Lastly,

I want you to fully extend your hand in the air if you feel emotionally safe in your relationships 100 percent of the time.

If you aren't quite sure what that means,

Don't worry.

I'll fill you in in just a moment.

But I feel like I have a very distinct feeling that many hands aren't in the air right now.

And it's because,

Like I said,

We struggle with connectivity.

Even if we engage in solid relationships most of the time,

There is a reason why.

And we can actually put habits and behaviors in place that helps us thrive in our relationships in a greater amount of time and with a greater amount of connectivity.

And for all of those of you who are wondering,

I didn't actually put my hand up either.

I can honestly say that I don't have perfect relationships with every single person in my inner circle.

Why?

Because relationships are messy.

Connectivity is hard.

It's also messy.

Emotions.

Yes,

Those are messy,

Too.

And it's because they're not facts.

We treat them as such,

But that's not really the case.

You know what I experience as love.

You may experience as lukewarm like.

Right.

Because emotions are different to each of us because each of us have different definitions to our wide range of emotions and each of us connects to those emotions differently.

Then add the fact that emotions can be hard to read,

That connecting with others can be uncomfortable.

It can even be taxing depending on the level of vulnerability within the relationship.

You know,

Many people find themselves confused,

Exhausted and going through the motions of their relationships until,

You know,

They become too uncomfortable or they become too comfortable to willingly change or the relationship fizzles out altogether.

Right.

Those are sort of the three options.

And yet there's another layer to all of that.

When we don't have 100% certainty in our connectivity,

It's easy for insecurities to sneak into our thinking and to our behavior,

Even into the little nuances of the way we show up,

Which can then ultimately spark trouble.

All of this can be a hurdle that stands in our way to connectivity,

To our happiness and to our emotional security.

Are you starting to sweat yet?

Are you with me?

Let's recap.

We are naturally wired for connection and relationships,

And yet we kind of suck at it.

There.

That's as basic as I can get with it.

You know,

With this level of let's call suckage,

Many ask,

How does one create grounded connection?

And then there's always another follow up question of what exactly is this emotional security you keep mentioning?

About the emotional security.

We'll get to that in just a moment.

But let's talk about connectivity first.

In order to have solid relationships,

Again,

Regardless of who they are with,

We have to build in seven baseline ingredients in order for our relationships to really take ground,

Right?

To have a baseline of movement to be built upon.

So let's dive into those first.

The first thing that every relationship must have is honest communication.

No relationship can survive,

Thrive or become more if there's a barrier in honest,

Upfront communication.

Now,

This is different than handing over too much information at hello.

Right.

This is different than being an overshare.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Upfront,

Honest communication means being willing to be open to everything,

Closed to nothing and allowing a meaningful relationship to be formed through a give and take of communication.

Right.

So it's conversation,

It's willingness to be open.

It's handing over our truths.

It's giving space for questions.

It's understanding and creating balance through all forms of communication.

And there are four forms of communication,

And those are verbal,

Nonverbal,

Written and visual.

So it's being honest with all of those pieces and allowing ourselves to take the first step in this openness.

You know,

Honest communication is also the first step in creating emotional safety in relationships,

Which,

Again,

We're going to tackle in just a moment.

But being honest,

Being willing to communicate,

Handing over the story,

Our life story,

Really helps us create a foundation for a solid relationship.

The next piece is something that many people fail to put into their thinking,

Into their daily operations,

Into their relationships,

Into their lives in general.

And that's empathy and understanding.

Just as emotions have different meanings,

Each person has different understandings because each of us have different perspectives.

Right.

We have different past experiences,

Traumas,

Highs,

Lows,

Victories,

Failures,

You name it.

We're all different.

But in order for our relationships to thrive,

Empathy and understanding have to be deep foundational operations that are weaved into the way we show up.

When we fail to do so,

We open the door for emotional insecurity.

The truth is we can never truly understand what it feels like to be in another person's situation.

You know,

Even if many of the elements are the same in a situation,

We have to remember that each of us approaches our lives through the collective whole of our experiences,

Of our individual mindsets,

Of the things that we've healed and the things that we haven't.

With that,

We cannot know someone else's overall life experience,

Nor should we try to forecast how we make them feel.

But instead,

We can place empathy and understanding into the baseline of how we show up so that we can ask questions,

So we can try to understand,

So we can listen and hear.

And really,

What does that go back to?

It's open,

Honest communication.

Right.

When we operate from a place of grounded questioning to understand,

We learn to meet other people's needs through the framework of what not only works for them,

But what also works for us.

Understanding is one of the greatest pieces of connectivity.

Being seen,

Being heard,

Being understood again goes back to that basic human need.

The third ingredient is mutual respect.

This is so important.

You know,

Respect is absolutely earned,

But at the starting point of respect is comfort.

It's feeling safe enough to say what you need,

Doing the things that best serve you,

And giving that same openness and ability for whomever you're engaging with to do the same for themselves.

Right.

That's mutual respect.

It's like riding ourselves a permission slip to show up as our best self.

It's being comfortable enough to set boundaries,

Having difficult conversations,

And being willing to work through things when it gets messy.

Can you see that mutual respect is formed through empathy,

Understanding,

And honest communication?

Each of these elements build on each other and really help us move into greater connectivity.

And,

Of course,

That emotional safety we're going to talk about.

Respect moves into the next piece,

Which is trust.

Without respect,

Trust cannot be formed.

And yet it is essential in order to have a solid foundation for any relationship.

Now,

I know this goes without saying that if we don't trust the people or the person that we're having a relationship with,

That we really lose the ability to grow together.

Of course,

That is the truth.

Because when there's no trust,

We absolutely reject emotional safety.

Our insecurity rises,

And we have this lack of ability to create more together.

Trust,

Just like respect,

Is earned through our actions and knowing that our emotions,

Thoughts,

Feelings,

Our physical self,

And even our spiritual selves are safe with someone who we are engaging with.

It's really important to point out,

When we hand over our emotional well-being to someone,

We're really asking them to take care of it.

And when they do it to us,

When they hand over their emotions,

And when they engage with us in a solid,

Trustworthy way,

They're also saying,

Here are my emotions.

I'm asking you to take care of them in the same way that you would like your emotions to be cared for.

Right?

I mean,

That is trust.

That is respect.

And it has to be present within every relationship in order for it to thrive.

Our fifth element,

Our fifth ingredient,

Is compromise.

We need and must have compromise in every single relationship we engage in.

The truth is,

Every relationship is only as happy as the least happiest person in it.

Do you need to hear that again?

Because think about it.

You are only as happy as the least happiest person in the relationships you are engaged in.

Now,

Happiness is an inside job,

Right?

And we don't look to others to create our happiness.

What I mean by that is,

If you are engaging in a relationship and there is turmoil within it,

There's not compromise,

There's not trust,

Empathy,

Or understanding,

You're going to have a happiness problem,

Right?

And so we have to look at the idea that many people believe that relationships are 50-50.

But I can honestly tell you,

After 20 years with my husband,

Guiding so many women through divorce,

Helping other people build relationships when things have gone wrong,

Or really having the skill set to create these solid relationships,

Relationships are not 50-50.

They are 100% by both parties,

100% of the time.

Does that mean that there are not times where we have to scale back and not give 100%?

Absolutely.

But in times where we are building,

Where we are trying to thrive,

We have to give 100% of ourselves.

And within that 100%,

There is always compromise.

It's important to understand.

I'm not talking about compromise in the way of let's agree to disagree and we don't really come to a conclusion of how to move forward.

I'm talking about compromise that is grounded in the empathy and understanding.

It's knowing that we're never going to see all situations the same,

That we're never going to feel the same way about every single thing that happens in the relationship,

But that we allow someone else to feel as they do.

So important.

That is a huge piece of compromise.

One of the biggest things that I teach in private session is that we have to be comfortable with allowing people to be who they are.

I will often say,

Be content to allow people to be themselves.

Because when we do this,

We can meet them where they are,

As they are,

Through who they are.

And what is that?

That's compromise.

When we allow compromise to be a fundamental foundation for ourselves,

We realize that we're never going to get everything 100% right.

But we can show up in a way that says,

You know what?

That's okay.

The circumstance may be different than what I would like,

But I am content to allow the experience,

The situation,

And even you to be what it is.

That is compromise.

There are only two more basic ingredients left,

And the second to the last one is appreciation.

You know,

Relationships must have a level of gratitude,

Approval,

And awareness to and within them.

It's easy to take our relationships for granted.

Like I said,

Many find themselves in their comfort zone and really become unmoved in their relationships while they're actually not happy because it's just too much work to either put in the work of this relationship or leave.

You know,

If we keep appreciation in the forefront,

Then we allow safety,

Security,

And peace to flow into our interactions.

We know what appreciation is.

We know how to show it in our relationships.

It's just important that we actually have this factor in place and that it is a movement within each of our relationship experiences.

And the last piece is effort.

You know,

Effort is far more intimate of an action than any material good will ever provide,

Right?

So effort is about paying attention.

It's about meeting needs.

It's about creating a safe space that makes someone feel that there is a place for them,

Regardless of what's happening in the moment,

Right?

And so effort is the key factor that keeps our connectivity in full swing.

When we show up,

When we provide the effort,

When we put in the work,

Our relationships can grow.

So these seven basic elements are,

Of course,

Far more extensive and far more reaching than what I just handed over.

But I wanted to give you the baseline because when those things are in place,

Our relationships have,

Like I said,

A fighting chance.

Because it's from here that we move into shared experiences.

We have relatable feelings,

Like ideas,

Feeling loved,

Creating deep experiences that really develop into good feeling movements that are available to each of us.

And again,

Our basic human needs.

In each of those ingredients,

You heard me continually use the term emotional safety.

And I promised you we would get to it.

So here it is.

So what is it?

What is emotional safety?

What is emotional security?

And those two terms can be easily interchanged.

I want you to know that.

But emotional safety is feeling secure enough to be your authentic self.

Let me say that again.

Emotional safety is feeling secure enough to be your authentic self.

Not only in your inner self,

But also in your relationships.

Emotional security is to be secure enough to align your thoughts and your feelings with your actions.

It's being safe enough to live as your truest self at the deepest level.

From there,

It's an experience in which you feel safe enough to express,

Again,

In all forms of communication,

All four of those,

In your emotional health.

Right?

So feeling safe enough to express your emotions,

However it may be.

Now,

There is a difference between feeling safe enough to be yourself and feeling safe enough to hand over how you truly feel.

And even feeling safe enough to risk having your emotional well-being pushed,

Questioned,

Or even disrupted.

So it's important to understand the difference.

So there's a difference between being you and being willing to have your emotional well-being challenged.

And that's where emotional security is really important.

When we feel secure,

We feel okay with handing over our emotional well-being.

This is highly important,

Not only for our relationships,

But also our mental health.

The baseline of connectivity is all about belonging.

Right?

We connect to belong.

We want to feel like we're a part of something.

It's why we seek family.

It's why we create spaces for each other.

We connect to feel.

We connect to have safety.

And emotional safety is the ability to be vulnerable,

To share our thoughts and feelings,

Especially uncomfortable feelings,

Such as sadness or fear or anger or negativity.

Because remember what I said at the beginning,

In order to thrive and grow,

We have to have this element in our relationships.

The secret to strong relationships is that connectivity,

That ability to really be seen and to have our emotional well-being looked after.

You see,

Emotional safety goes hand in hand with a growth mindset.

A mindset that focuses on value,

Feeling supported and cared about and cared for.

So what does all of that come down to?

What does an emotional,

Secure relationship feel and look like?

You know,

Beyond the baseline of the solid foundation that I gave to you,

What is it that we have to sort of meet?

Or what simple metrics is there for these relationships to grow and to have this emotional security in place?

So that matrix looks and feels like you feel valued and valuable.

You feel truly able to be yourself without the risk of judgment.

You can show your weaknesses without feeling like you're going to be taken advantage of or that your emotions are going to be used against you.

You can share boldly and express yourself freely.

You feel seen,

Heard and understood.

You experience unconditional love and friendship.

And this is really important because even if it's a romantic relationship,

Friendship must also still be in place.

You have to be friends.

Right.

And so that's super important.

And it's a piece of having that emotional safety net in place.

You also feel respected and you don't feel the need to constantly prove yourself.

Right.

So a lot of times in relationships,

We'll have someone that needs us to prove constantly that we care about them.

In secure relationships,

That is not a piece because we already know that to be our truth.

You also really have this ability to,

As I had said before,

Be your authentic self.

And that looks like not having your character questioned when you have a bad day or you make a mistake.

You also don't overthink the relationship because you know that no matter what happens,

You have the ability.

There's a safety to work through the ups and downs.

All of that paints a really pretty,

Lovely picture,

Doesn't it?

I mean,

Who doesn't want relationships based on those elements of safety and security?

And yet,

Like I said in the beginning,

We really struggle with this.

We're really bad at it most of the time.

And a lot of times it really just comes down to effort and putting in these habits and these movements that will really create a beautiful space for all of those things to occur.

But what happens when we begin to examine these elements and looking at if they are actually present in our relationships is we often begin to see some pitfalls or some shortcomings within our connections.

And when that happens,

Many people begin to question whether these factors,

That list that I just gave you,

Have ever been present or if they ever really developed past that beginning infancy stage of even their longest relationships.

And so that thought process can often cause red flags to begin to pop up.

And I know that actually it feels a little scary because you can look at that list and say,

OK,

Well,

Five of those things are present and I feel secure.

And that's great.

That's perfect.

What we begin to really look at then is how can we put these other pieces into place and really make your relationship grow and thrive in a whole other way?

So,

You know,

If something's missing,

Just know there's room for improvement.

But if you really begin to look and see all of these red flags,

We have to really start looking at what's missing,

Why is it missing?

And we have to start looking at what will be necessary to create long term security and safety within every relationship beyond just that effort piece.

There's another truth to witness,

Too.

While this environment of safety must be fostered and it takes time,

Right,

To develop all of those pieces that I just gave you,

It can actually be broken within a single action or a line of conversation.

If any of those factors,

You know,

Feeling valued,

Seen,

Free to be yourself,

Trust,

Respect,

You name it,

Is broken through a behavior,

An action,

Emotional or physical response,

It can be extremely difficult to rein it back in and get back onto solid ground.

I want you to think about it because this is something that many have experienced before.

And I'm just going to throw out a scenario for you so that you can understand when our safety,

Our emotional safety is threatened and how simple it can really unfold and kind of fall apart.

So think about a friendship,

Right,

That you have where you really have this person that you turn to when things are hard.

You tell them all of your feelings,

All of your thoughts,

All of your secrets.

You know,

They know all about your past,

Your now and really where you desire to be.

And it's that one person that you can count on without even really thinking about it.

And let's say something occurs and you are really not feeling great.

And so you call them and say,

Let's go have dinner.

I really have something on my mind and I just need to I just need to talk it out.

And so you meet and let's say that you are worried that maybe your partner is cheating.

And so you're sitting there and you're handing over all of your emotions.

Your person really seems to be supporting you.

They offer advice.

They tell you that they have your back.

You know,

It's really this ride or die kind of moment.

And you feel like,

OK,

I know that I belong,

That someone has my back and that even though there's this break in my emotional security in this relationship over here,

What I have in front of me is really solid.

And I know that I belong to this person in this present moment.

Super important.

We've all had these moments.

Right.

So then there's something else that occurs.

Right.

So the next day,

Your person,

That person that you trusted,

The one that you belong to,

That connected,

Safe relationship does something sort of unexpected.

They pick up the phone and have a conversation with your partner.

There's a domino effect that takes place.

Your partner confronts you.

You know,

How could you think that you are suddenly feeling judged for your actions and your feelings?

You go on the defense.

Everything turns upside down.

And at the base of all of the negative feelings pulsing through your mind,

Pulsing through your body is betrayal,

Lack of trust,

Not only for your partner,

But also the person that you thought was your safe space.

What you thought was an emotional secure environment turned out not to be as secure as you thought.

That's when the environment breaks.

There's cracks in the foundation.

The relationship is really broken apart by one simple act.

And if we haven't been working on building a secure environment,

An emotional safety net through our efforts in our relationships and all of the doing leading up to that moment,

That relationship has an extremely difficult time bouncing back.

This is why we build emotional security into our everyday movement of our relationship.

So when hard things happen,

We have the ability to get back onto solid ground.

That's an extreme example,

But it's one that happens all the time.

You know,

It could be as simple as someone relaying information that you had trusted that they wouldn't.

It could be that they didn't show up for you the way that you thought they would.

It could be that they don't share your enthusiasm for what you have going on in your life.

You know,

Emotional security,

That safety net can be broken in a far simpler way than it takes to actually build it.

I also want to give you a few emotional safety sabotaging behaviors that can really wreck relationships beyond those examples that I just gave you.

Now,

Please understand that these behaviors often start small,

But generally have a way of escalating into emotional insecurity and create deep ruts that break relationships over time.

Sometimes it's really fast,

But most of the time,

These are factors that take a lot longer to,

You know,

Be examined and to be felt.

And it's also important to point out that many of these factors can lead to emotionally abusive relationships,

Which,

Of course,

There's absolutely no safety net ever present in those situations.

And it's something that I really want you to look at.

I want you to really examine these behaviors,

Because if they are present in your relationship,

We have to look at how long it's been going on,

What the impact is,

And if we actually feel emotionally secure with these behaviors.

So the first sabotaging behavior is being defensive.

Right.

That may feel really small,

But I want you to hear me out.

When someone in a relationship takes everything personally,

You know,

At face value and without questioning the intention,

What occurs is a breakdown in communication.

From there,

There's a breakdown in trust.

This becomes a reciprocal cycle too,

Because,

You know,

Our tendency to respond when we meet defensiveness is to also be defensive.

This creates a murky emotional state.

From there,

We often begin to ship blame,

Which then further breaks down respect and trust.

We make excuses.

We rationalize behavior,

Ours or theirs,

And then that increases our defensiveness.

For those that experience this over time,

You know,

What happens is a natural process.

The walls go up.

We begin to guard and withhold information,

And we begin to disconnect our emotional security.

If it goes on long enough,

We even begin to experience low self-esteem,

Lack of self-love,

Deeper inner securities,

And honestly,

A host of negative emotions and feelings flood us,

And they permeate our relationship.

While defense mechanisms are often an ego problem,

It does cause harm in our relationships,

And of course,

It breaks down our inner and outer relationships.

The next threat to our emotional safety is frequent sarcasm.

Now,

Listen,

Having a sarcastic tone or being sarcastic is one thing.

What I'm talking about is constant,

Frequent sarcasm,

Because many use sarcasm as a way to share their feelings without feeling as if they're being confrontational.

It's really this kind of smokescreen of saying what you really feel without having to say what you feel,

You know?

Buried in most sarcastic remarks are little nuggets of truth from the person that's making the comment.

You know,

When they're used enough,

Trust can erode.

It can be difficult to decipher what remarks are sarcastic and what aren't.

After a while,

People begin to write off trust because of a pattern of not taking accountability or credibility for the words.

Remember that trust is a hallmark foundational piece for a relationship to thrive.

You know,

The other part of this to make matters worse is when sarcasm is used daily or even at high levels,

This behavior can then turn into a method of shaming.

When our comments are geared towards shame,

They are no longer safe and neither is the relationship.

Another behavior is constantly bringing up the past.

Look,

If there's a habit of bringing up your history or another person's history or any past missteps,

There's often resentment present in the relationship.

With resentment,

Relationships simply cannot thrive,

Nor is it able to be a place or an environment of safety.

Remember,

Respect,

Empathy,

Understanding,

It all has to be there.

So throwing,

You know,

Someone's past in their face,

It is the quickest way to strip away the vulnerability.

It tells someone to be guarded,

To put the walls back up,

To not feel safe,

To live as their authentic self.

We are not our past.

We are not our mistakes.

These are learning pieces to our growth.

If your past is haunting your relationship,

It's not a safe,

Thriving environment.

Next is dealing with someone who is quick to anger.

Look,

Anger is a natural emotion,

Right?

However,

If anger is the first reaction to feedback or communication or to an experience,

Understand that trust,

Connectivity,

And emotional safety flies out the door.

It's because anger creates a hostile environment and hostile environments do not contain growth.

We can use them as such,

But the baseline of the environment is not growth itself.

It's here that we have to ask ourselves,

Is the anger in response to the relationship?

Or is this a character flaw that doesn't best suit the relationship in which you're engaging?

When you know the answer is when you can take the next step.

But having this quick to anger situation really does strip away the safety.

And it also makes an environment that is very unpredictable.

And we need predictability in our relationships in order to feel safe.

Of course,

We can have uncertainty and unpredictability,

But at the baseline,

There does need to be some level of knowing in order for us to feel like we can thrive.

The next sabotaging behavior is overstepping boundaries.

This is a big one.

This is a behavior that is a really problematic in our safety,

In our emotional safety,

Because it actually shows a lack of respect.

Holding boundaries for yourselves and others is all about trust.

It's all about integrity,

Respect,

Appreciation.

We put boundaries in place to teach others what's acceptable in our lives and how we're going to be treated.

If someone is constantly overstepping,

They are literally creating an environment,

An atmosphere of lack of trust,

A lack of effort,

A lack of understanding.

Overstepping pushes the boundaries and completely cuts a hole in the safety net.

The last minor habit that can turn into a much bigger safety break when used repeatedly is the use of the mighty silent treatment.

You know,

Tuning out,

Ignoring,

Disengaging,

Refusing to acknowledge all point to a lack of appreciation.

Outside of it being a really childish behavior,

It shows us that there is no line of open communication.

And remember,

In order for a relationship to thrive,

Communication must be in the forefront.

Remember,

Too,

That being heard is an essential part of emotional security.

Then add in the fact that receiving the silent treatment often wires in patterns into our mindset that says,

I'm not worthy of conversation.

I'm not worthy of effort.

I'm not worthy of fixing the problems.

I'm not even worthy of being able to be authentically me because there is no resolution.

There's only this wall.

It is a terrible habit.

It's one that a lot of people will use in hopes that the silence will allow a break.

But there's no resolution in silence.

The only way that we come to grounded,

Safe communication is to engage in grounded,

Safe communication.

You know,

If the silent treatment is often a factor in your relationship,

It is safe to say that your safety environment is on shaky ground.

You know,

It's something I would definitely examine and look at to see if it's worthy of changing or if it is to a place where the relationship does need to dissolve.

Now,

The next few behaviors are really signs of abusive relationships,

Which,

Again,

As I've said,

Emotional safety will never be present in an abusive situation.

But I want to bring them up because these behaviors often start small as well,

And then they move into deeper emotional unstable places.

With everything,

There are always different levels and layers,

And it just must be in our conversation to mention these aspects.

And,

Of course,

If these are present,

Then you know that your emotional safety is certainly not secure with your current relationship,

And it's definitely worth addressing and getting into a place that works for you.

A behavior we really must be aware of is name-calling or demeaning someone.

Constantly being put down chips away at self-worth.

It makes you less trusting,

And it certainly breaks connection.

If name-calling or demeaning behaviors are present for you,

Against you,

Or you are the one who is doing it,

Sweeping this under the rug is an extremely big problem.

Listen,

In order to be emotionally secure,

There has to be respect.

Name-calling is a disrespectful behavior.

You know it's the truth.

And even if it's being done in a joking,

Air quotes,

Right,

Joking way,

Understand that,

Again,

Back to sarcasm,

There's always some truth in the words.

We don't tend to say things that we don't mean when it comes to these kind of behaviors.

So it is necessary to look out for these behaviors to really weigh the emotional security and our physical security and get into a place that we do not allow this behavior to be present in our relationships.

It's so necessary.

It's so important.

Ladies,

If this is a part of your relationship,

It is time to address it right now.

The next piece is using threats or ultimatums,

Such as,

You will do this,

Or I will not,

You know,

Dot,

Dot,

Dot.

Or threatening to leave or to not love you.

You know,

These are huge signs that your relationship has turned toxic and is unsafe.

Ultimatums are forms of threat and they lack emotional processing.

It's absolutely necessary to make sure that we are not existing in relationships where threats and ultimatums are used as the love language.

There is no love in that kind of conversation.

Please understand that this does not create emotional safety.

It never will.

It never has.

And it is something that we have to drill down to and understand that we are not in emotionally healthy relationships when this is the behavior.

With that,

That leads us right back to that first question.

How can we build our relationship foundations and create not only connectivity,

But that emotional safety net that I've been talking about all along?

Like,

What is the formula for growth?

What is the formula for emotional safety and security?

Now,

Before I hand those over,

I know,

I know,

Just another moment.

I promise we're getting to it.

I must tell you,

Because you know this to be the truth anyway,

But deep emotional relationships do not happen overnight.

They do not appear out of nowhere.

Right.

Unlike passion and attraction,

Which are often felt instantly,

Emotional safety,

Emotional security in relationships.

It takes time.

It takes focus.

It takes effort.

So understand that that must be developed.

And so what I'm going to hand over are the habits and the skill set that we can use to create the effort,

To create the focus,

To use as our development plan.

It's also important to know that just because we put these habits in place does not mean that things won't go wrong.

It doesn't mean that there won't be times that the relationship goes a little awry or that we don't have problems.

The whole point of the safety net is to help catch us when we stumble,

When we fall,

When we kind of tank and almost hit the ground.

Right.

It's there to help us bounce back.

So let's talk about the how beyond the baseline foundation,

Beyond what you already know,

The emotionally stable,

The emotionally secure relationship looks like.

Let's talk about the efforts.

So the first one is to be consistent.

We must be consistent in our relationships.

You know,

This is truly the easiest way to create an environment of emotional safety with anyone,

With any relationship.

I want you to think about how safe you feel,

How seen you feel,

Heard,

Valued.

When someone simply checks in,

When they send a text and say,

Hey,

I'm thinking about you,

How are you?

Or,

You know,

When you're invited or included in plans that are being made,

When you're on the same page,

When our actions match our words,

We express interest,

Value,

And we begin to weave the safety net.

We really feel like we belong,

Right?

We belong in the connectivity.

It's us,

Not just me.

And that allows that safety net to thrive,

Right?

It allows it to bloom.

So staying consistent,

Showing up.

It is the habit that allows us to accelerate in our relationship growth.

It keeps us feeling like we are in a safe space.

The second behavior is we must be willing to share our inner thoughts.

So this goes back to communication,

Right?

Look,

Being vulnerable isn't easy,

And yet it is the key to emotional safety.

Think about that one relationship you had where you've given so much,

You showed up,

You shared,

You really gave everything,

But then there wasn't a reciprocal expression returned.

If opening up in a relationship is a struggle,

The relationship can't grow.

We have to be willing to share what is inside.

Everything will always remain surface if we lack intimacy.

Intimacy in this case is not about sexual context,

But really about emotional context.

In order to build more,

You have to go deep.

To build a safety net,

You have to be willing to be intimate.

That sounds like,

You know,

I'm struggling.

I really am not in a good place and I'm not sure how to get out.

Or it sounds like,

You know,

I'm so happy right now.

I'm so focused on my growth.

I'm doing everything I can to really work through all of these pieces that used to really define me,

But I'm doing so great.

I feel so good.

I want to share with you what's happening in my life.

It's these kind of details in your relationships that build safety,

That establish trust.

It all goes back to open communication.

And as we dive in,

As we willingly share,

As we go deeper in our intimacy,

That safety net is weaved together so tight that even if we stumble,

There's an immediate bounce back.

It's a beautiful thing and it's something that is so necessary in every relationship that's worth having.

The next,

So number three,

Is all about being a positive influence on each other.

Remember how I said that appreciation is a top factor for building a solid relationship?

Here it is again,

Right?

Being a positive influence.

When we're in long-term relationships,

Again,

Whether it's family,

A spouse,

A partner,

Even long-term friends,

We often forget to show up in small ways.

In the small positive influences that sound like,

Hey,

You know what?

I love you.

I am so proud of you.

I see you.

You're doing an amazing job.

Positive words of affirmation help create security.

They remind people that we are connected.

And of course,

What does that do?

That grows the intimacy factor,

Which of course then grows the safety factor.

Next,

We're going to level up on the honesty factor,

Right?

We talked about honesty before.

And as I said,

Relationships can be uncomfortable because emotions are involved.

But when we engage in relationships,

We must be honest on all levels at all times.

So we have to look at the habit of honesty.

We have to look at it and tackle awkward,

Hard conversations in the frame of growth,

In the frame of safety,

Because growth is done in the most uncomfortable ways,

Right?

You know that.

You've seen it in your own life.

But once we get past the awkwardness,

We are given a chance to have honest,

Deep communication that then secures our trust,

Our respect,

And our vulnerability.

All which,

Of course,

Makes that net just a little bit tighter.

The fifth thing that we must be able to do is to be willing to talk about our baggage.

The truth is we all have triggers.

We all have a past.

We have all experienced things that we wish we could forget or move on from.

And when we're engaging in relationships,

It's important to be willing to talk about just that.

We must be willing to talk about our emotions and the experiences that have defined us.

This awareness is a powerful key to understanding and empathy.

When the people we are in relationships with understand the what,

The why,

And the how of our pain points,

We can give grace.

We can allow.

We can have compromise.

We can have a safety net that's built in understanding that we can have messy conversations.

We can have messy emotions.

We can process together.

We can understand and we can build a greater level of trust because we're willing to communicate.

We have to talk about what was,

What we've healed,

What we're moving through,

What we're still working toward in order to build a relationship environment that is safe,

Stable,

And secure.

The sixth thing in building our safety net is we must be willing,

That's a big word,

Willing to take responsibility for our share of what occurs in the relationship itself.

You know,

In order to feel emotionally safe,

It's important to be emotionally mature,

Right?

To understand how we're showing up and how we're impacting the other person.

When we take responsibility,

We tell someone else that their emotions are safe with us.

Look,

None of us are perfect.

We will all mess up.

There will be times where our effort does not match our intention.

And there will be times that you will say things that you don't mean and you will show up in a way that you didn't even expect to.

But in order to remain safe,

We must be willing to admit when we're wrong,

Be open to feedback,

And take responsibility that goes beyond the words,

I'm sorry.

You know,

I'm sorry is really shown and felt rather than said.

Beyond these emotional behaviors and actions,

There are a few other physical activities that you can do right now to help you increase your emotional security.

The first is to ask a very important question.

And that question is,

What makes you feel safe with me?

What makes you feel emotionally safe with me?

This is a very important question to ask those that you are closest to.

What makes someone else feel comfortable at being their whole self is going to differ from person to person.

So asking this question really shows that you have an intent to create safety and security and to show up with your whole heart.

And as that information is given to you,

You know what makes them feel safe with you?

It is then your job to listen,

To understand and use their words to gain deeper connectivity.

Can you imagine asking someone that question?

You know,

What makes you feel safe with me?

You're going to receive a list really of things that makes them feel secure.

It's an eye-opening question.

It's one that is so worth asking.

And by simply asking,

It allows us to really dive deep,

Open ourselves to communication,

To be vulnerable,

To give,

To be heard,

To be seen.

It is the question that allows connectivity to thrive right now.

We can also put in an operation of communicating with gentleness and gratitude.

This seems like a very simple thing,

But it does require focus.

And we begin to focus on five positive interactions.

You know,

This is especially true if we've had a negative interaction within the relationship.

And so we can begin to turn it around and we become aware of how we speak.

And it's asking ourselves,

You know,

Is my tone one of criticism or is it one of love and kindness?

When we begin to have these inner conversations with ourselves,

We become focused not only on our tone,

But also our words.

Positive interactions can be nonverbal too.

So maybe it's a hug.

You know,

Maybe it's holding someone's hand.

Maybe it's picking up something that was needed without being asked or doing a chore that would ease a burden.

You know,

When we're focused on doing and speaking in a way that says you are safe with me,

We build a greater safety net.

Another safety building behavior is asking someone,

What do you need in this moment?

Let me repeat that question again.

What do you need in this moment?

Think about how powerful that is,

Especially when we move it into that other question of how do I make you feel safe?

Being mindful of what needs really could be met builds trust and mutual respect.

Think about how seen you would feel if someone said,

What can I do for you right now?

How can I help you through this moment?

What do you need?

This is all about showing up.

This is all about being there,

Being the shoulder that someone needs when it's time to cry.

It's asking questions like this and really listening,

Showing empathy and building a greater safety environment.

There's something important too.

So when you ask questions like this,

You have to also remove any personal attachment that may arise.

Meaning if someone says,

You know,

I don't know what I need,

I don't know how you can help me.

Don't take that personal,

But instead leave the door open by saying,

You know,

If you can think of something,

I'm here.

Just let me know.

That alone builds safety within itself.

We can also encourage self-care.

We often have a difficult time giving ourselves permission to take the day off or do something kind for ourselves.

And gently reminding someone that self-care is necessary helps us remember that we belong,

That we have a connection,

That someone has our back.

So we have to really look at it and say,

You know,

Are you taking care of you?

I want to help take care of you,

But you must also take care of you.

And that helps us remember that we are connected,

That we are seen.

Lastly,

We have to be able to offer support to someone's solution.

So remember that our emotional safety is also based on not feeling judged.

So it's within this understanding that we have to resist the urge to fix or constantly weigh in on someone else's needs.

We can show support by asking a highly impactful question.

It's one that I often ask in private session because it allows us to offer support.

And so that highly impactful question is,

Do you want someone to listen?

Again,

There we are establishing security.

Or do you want solutions?

That question again is,

Do you want someone to listen or do you want solutions?

This question acknowledges the connectivity,

The safety,

The support,

The belonging,

Being seen,

Heard and value.

And yet it still doesn't put us into fixed mode.

It allows the person to own their situations while feeling seen.

So important.

Do you want solutions or do you want to be heard?

Big question.

One that I hope you will put into your relationships right now.

It is a huge safety building question.

You know,

From there,

There are five simple interactions that make all the difference.

And it's something that you probably already do,

But aren't focused on.

And so the first one is to connect,

You know,

Talk,

Listen,

Be present.

The second is to be active and show interest.

You know,

Don't look down at your phone or be glued to the television when it's time to connect.

Remember,

Attention shows appreciation and effort.

The third one is to take notice of the little details that are present in the moment.

So if someone is excited,

Tell them,

I see that you are excited.

That makes me happy.

That simple act also promotes emotional security.

The fourth is to always keep learning.

Be open.

Show up.

Get curious.

Be willing to connect and show that growth is available within you,

Through you and with you.

That is so important.

And lastly,

Give.

Give of your time.

Give your effort,

Your emotions,

Your words,

Your presence.

Because there is nothing more that can make someone safe than that.

Again,

Emotional safety is a process that builds on itself.

But imagine how great your relationships can become when you allow safety,

Transparency,

And vulnerability to be the catalyst that continues both your inner and outer growth.

Safety is important.

We are all connected.

We are all wired for it.

Isn't it time to make it work for us?

Isn't it time to be better at it?

Isn't it time to show up and to live life to the fullest and really allow yourself to feel seen,

To be heard,

To be cared for,

And to really give that to someone else?

It really is time.

You know,

There is someone in your life waiting to build just that with you.

And you have to believe that you're worthy of such.

Creating relationships with personal emotional safety,

Creating a relationship of a net,

Is essential.

And it's one of the steps into getting your life together.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.