Communication Is Intention: Using Your Voice

How many times have you heard the quote, ‘Communication is Key?’ It’s something we do every day in our lives, whether in spoken words or through our body language. But why is it so important, beyond the obvious? Maybe the bigger question is why it gets us in so much trouble. With communication being the baseline of everything we do, I thought you and I should take a deep dive into expressing yourself, our mistakes in communication, and how to build better relationships through the way you communicate!

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

All righty,

Well,

This week has been an interesting one in private session.

Lots of people coming to the table where communication has been,

Cover the kids ears,

A shit show,

Right?

And here's the deal,

I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again,

When there seems to be a theme in sessions,

There also seems to be a theme on social media,

In my DMs and in my email.

And so I have to say,

Lots of people are struggling with communication and that's why I thought,

Well,

Forget our plan.

Let's have a true conversation about communication,

What it is and really how we can change the rhythm of it.

How does that sound?

All right,

Good.

Let's first understand what communication is and in the most simplest terms,

It really is the act of transferring information from one person to the other.

However,

It's important to understand that communication is really only effective if the receiver understands the message.

This is so important and that's also true for inner communication or inner dialogue,

Right?

Because you can tell yourself something but then get frustrated in the connection with the communication and not be able to fully receive the message.

We're gonna talk about that in just a moment but let's be really honest,

Communication is all around us from the moment we wake up to the moment we pick up the phone to passing billboards on our way to work or listening to the radio or turning on Pandora or Spotify,

Whatever it is,

All day long,

We are communicating.

Communication enables us to really live a life that is full and has value until it goes wrong.

And it is essential for life because it allows us to express our feelings,

It allows us to share our thoughts,

It allows us to live in a space where we are learning,

We are taking in,

We are in a space of growth,

Right?

Without communication,

Without learning,

We are not growing.

Of course,

If we are living in a space of growth,

That means that we're standing in our power,

We're choosing to really thrive in our lives,

We're choosing the aspect of grounded feelings,

Grounded actions,

Beautiful relationships that are fed from the inside,

Which means I can hear myself,

I know what I need,

I know what I want.

And choosing that really allows us to be heard not only within ourselves,

But within other people.

So again,

To stand in our power means that we are allowed to move through anything that may cause us to question and that's where we're talking from today,

Is the communication that is the place that we go left when we should have gone right.

So what does all of that mean?

That means communication is intention.

Let that soak in for a second.

Communication is intention.

It means I am coming to the table with the act of doing something that I have an end goal,

Right?

Intention means a thing to intend,

An aim,

Or a plan.

It means purpose,

Objective,

Target,

End goal,

Right?

Communication is intention.

Intention is the motivation why we do something.

If we are communicating,

We are intending to tell the person or even ourselves what we need,

Want,

And how we would like something to pan out.

Every time we communicate,

We are giving a signal to ourselves,

To someone else,

That this is what we are trying to accomplish.

I want you to think of communication like that because when we look at it that way,

It takes out some of the lack of clarity,

We'll call it,

And hands over purpose.

If I am telling you what I need,

Want,

And desire,

You can decide if you're gonna meet that the way that I am asking you to meet it,

Right?

And so many times when we're talking about communication,

We just talk about,

Well,

This is why we're doing it,

And we're talking about what we need,

But we don't really break it down.

So that is where we're headed now.

In order to really choose ourselves,

Right,

To be empowered like I was just talking about,

We have to feel like we can use our voice,

And we have to feel like we are heard.

And of course,

Those are two very different things,

Right?

Being heard and someone actually listening are very different than using our voice.

Feeling heard means that someone's engaged.

There's inner dialogue.

There's a back and forth.

There's listening.

I want you to lock this in.

A big aha is the fact that hearing is automatic.

We go through our lives hearing a mix of different sounds,

Voices,

Communication all day long.

And when we're in front of someone,

We are hearing.

That does not mean that we are comprehending,

And that is where communication really gets off track.

It also does not mean that someone is listening.

Just because someone heard you doesn't mean they're actually engaged in the process of communication.

This is so important.

Really,

This conversation is probably one of the most important things that I talk about with couples and individuals,

And it really is the baseline to self-love along with everything else that we talk about here,

Because if you can't even hear yourself,

If you cannot actually actively listen to yourself,

You're not gonna be able,

Like I said,

To be in that space of growth.

So let's talk about listening.

Listening is engaging,

Right?

It is really being active in what is happening,

And it means that you are in a space of going beyond the automatic hearing and into a space of willingly engaging.

Before we dive even deeper into feeling heard,

Let's talk about using our voices,

Because without that,

There is no communication,

There is no intention,

There is no talking about what we need and want.

We actually have to use our voice first.

This is something that most women struggle with,

And it is an essential element to choosing yourself.

And I have to be really honest with you,

Let's just break down some very simple facts.

You have a voice for a reason,

Right?

It's not meant for comparison,

For downgrading,

For negativity,

For really breaking down all of your greatness.

It's meant for expressing.

It's meant for creating connection,

Leadership,

Relationship quality,

For compassion and empathy.

It's for the expression of the self.

That's why you have a voice.

And a lot of times when women come in,

They are struggling with those elements.

And so let's talk about how we first get into a space of expressing ourselves,

Of using our voice,

Because without that,

Again,

No communication.

So the first step in doing so is knowing that what you have to say is of value.

I don't know how many times I've heard women say,

It doesn't matter,

No one cares.

It doesn't matter what I say,

No one listens.

It doesn't matter what I do,

I will not be heard.

And that means that they have internalized this space where what they have to say does not have value.

So if you struggle with owning yourself,

You're going to struggle with self-trust,

Self-love,

And certainly your self-worth.

In that lack is where we feel like what we have to say is not worthy.

And if you go into a space that your communication does not matter,

You will never give yourself full permission to engage in self-love and trust and worth.

You'll get into a space where you shut down.

Now,

Let's talk about trauma for just a second.

This is very important.

There's a difference between knowing that what you have to say is of value and not allowing yourself to make that leap and having had trauma that asks you to keep your mouth shut.

This happens in abusive relationships.

This happens in childhood abuse.

This happens when there's been sexual assault.

Keeping your mouth shut,

Keeping your voice to yourself because when you used it in the past,

Nothing good came from it,

Really teaches us to be quiet.

To be small.

But we have to,

One,

Release the trauma and also then remember that we have a voice because we are meant to use it.

We are meant to guide ourselves verbally and non-verbally through this world.

That's why we do it.

There are so many ways to do this,

But the first part is to identify why don't I feel like my voice has value?

Is it because of a past event?

Is it because I was told to be quiet,

To be seen and not heard?

Is it because I need to believe in myself more?

What is it?

Get down to the root because remember,

As I've said a million different times in a million different ways,

We can't change anything that we will not witness,

Accept,

Identify,

Right?

We have to be able to get into a space where speaking our mind,

Speaking our intentions,

Being able to communicate is comfortable.

And the only way to do that is to give ourselves the understanding of why using our voice is uncomfortable in the first place.

Next,

Choosing ourselves also means that we have to do what's best for ourselves,

Right?

And that also goes for our communication.

We have to give our voice to what matters to us in a truthful,

Unafraid,

Sometimes unapologetic way.

Sometimes,

Whether it is to ourselves,

Us speaking to us or us speaking to someone else,

We might have to say something that's going to be unpopular.

We have to say something that we may not like or that we don't wanna say and yet we have to.

The reason why we use our voice is to find clarity,

Right?

The intention.

Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to talk in a way that we can actually hear ourselves,

Where we can actually make change.

When women come in and they have a hard time really solidifying that permission,

Right?

Giving ourselves permission to use their voice,

I will often have them write on paper exactly what they really feel like they're not able to say aloud.

That practice is something that truly empowers them and can be used by you to get into a space where you know what you wanna say and you don't allow yourself to overthink or ruminate or forecast how it's gonna go,

But instead you have a communication plan.

You know exactly what you're feeling,

You know exactly where you're coming from and you're able to express yourself,

Even if it's uncomfortable,

But because you understand exactly how you want to approach the moment.

There's another benefit to this practice as well,

And it is this.

When we write something down and we read it aloud,

We actually give ourselves permission,

Space,

Whatever you wanna call it,

To hear ourselves.

When we are reading aloud,

Then we are connecting with our words.

We're gonna talk about connection with words in just a moment,

But in this space,

It allows us to get comfortable with hearing our thoughts because that's another reason why we don't use our voice is we're not comfortable with our own thoughts.

And so when we write it down,

When we read it aloud,

It gives us that space to say,

Ah,

I can express myself.

This is really how I'm feeling.

And it may even ignite a few aha moments that take that thought even further.

Once it's out,

That's the baseline,

But then we get into a deeper understanding too.

So that's a practice that is very powerful,

Especially when you are uncomfortable.

Once we've heard ourselves,

Once we understand that using our voice is a self-permission,

We obviously wanna feel heard,

Right?

And I wanna talk about that space of feeling heard.

I know so many times when we're engaging in conversations with someone else,

We will often get into that mental space of,

I'm not being listened to.

You're not even listening.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying,

Or you're zoning out,

Or you're paying attention to your phone.

By the way,

Women,

That's one of the biggest issues that come up in couples counseling is the other partner will be engaging in a conversation and then check out,

And then the conversation is done.

The communication is over.

And we begin to connect to that person,

To the moment in a very negative way.

Now,

Before we go in deeper on the connection part of being heard,

I want to give you an understanding of using your voice in a way that is internal and self-connected.

So I want you to think about this.

If you are feeling feelings and you are in your head,

You are actually reacting.

Communication,

Remember,

As I said in the very beginning,

Is both internal and external.

Thoughts are communication.

Emotions are communication.

We don't think about this this way,

And this is part of the conversation that is so important to have.

Emotions are impulses,

Like you've heard me say before.

They're guideposts to tell us exactly what we are experiencing,

What we're thinking,

And how we're feeling.

They're the drivers,

Right?

They are these pieces of us that we're experiencing that are saying,

Hey,

By the way,

This matters.

So if we're having communication that our emotions are involved,

Then that means that we are reacting in some way.

That internal communication,

That read of emotion,

Is really telling us how we feel,

Okay?

And so I really want you to think about communication being nonverbal and verbal,

And that our emotions are just as much communication to our mindset,

To our brain,

As anything else,

As the experience,

As the thought itself.

So as I just said,

If we are feeling,

We are reacting.

That doesn't necessarily mean that we're reacting verbally or in a way that maybe we don't want to,

Or in a way that is going to be a permanent end to something,

Whatever it is,

Right?

And if we're reacting,

I want you to think about this.

This is a form of us using our voice.

You're already using communication here.

Now,

Sometimes it's not to our benefit,

And sometimes it is.

But I want you to think about that.

If I'm reacting,

I'm already using some form of communication.

I have to tell you that,

Right?

Because I think it's so important.

But let's go back to being heard.

Now,

Here's the biggest secret.

If you want to feel heard,

If you want to feel seen,

If you want to be able to use your voice in a very productive way with people that you love or people that you are having a relationship with in some form or fashion,

You have to take responsibility for it.

Now,

When I say that to most women,

They roll their eyes.

They're so annoyed.

I know,

I know I have to take responsibility for my communication.

And it goes so much deeper than that,

Okay?

When we don't feel heard,

We often blame others.

We focus on it like it's something being done or there's not enough being done for us.

But it is our responsibility to relay what we need and desire.

So if you don't feel heard,

You have to engage in being heard.

And there's really a five-step process to being heard that you can use with anyone at any time.

And I'm going to give that to you now.

And then we're going to talk more about some of these missteps and how we can correct them.

So that five-step process is,

Step one,

Listen to yourself.

Begin to notice those thoughts and feelings and reactions.

You can see now why I was saying you have to take responsibility.

You have to give yourself permission.

You actually have to realize that your voice matters because if it doesn't,

You're not willing to listen to yourself.

And I need you listening to yourself.

You need you listening to yourself,

Right?

Now,

I want you to think about it.

In these moments when you do not feel heard,

Do you step back and gain perspective?

The answer is no,

Right?

Unless you're mindful,

Unless you're in therapy,

Unless this is a practice that has already been introduced to you,

The answer is no.

And I want you to begin this process.

Begin to notice the thoughts and feelings.

Am I feeling defensive?

Am I angry?

Am I resentful?

Am I focusing on lack and not what's happening before me?

That's what most of the time is occurring,

Right?

I feel like I'm not getting what I want.

And so that's my focus.

And therefore my communication is all based on lack.

And therefore I feel even more ignored and not heard.

Your thoughts play a major role in everything that you do.

I want you to think about how your thoughts and your feelings may be driving your reaction or that feeling of not being heard.

So listen to yourself,

Be a listener.

We're gonna talk about active listening in a second as well.

But really figure out why is it I don't feel heard?

When you figure that out,

I want you to ask yourself,

Does that feeling belong to this moment?

Your brain is always going to look for evidence to support the moment and the feeling in which you are engaging.

Evidence is built by your experiences.

And so oftentimes when we do not feel heard,

Your partner or the person that you're before is actually paying for an experience that you had a long time ago that had absolutely nothing to do with that person.

And so you have to ask yourself,

Is this person carrying baggage that doesn't belong to them?

And if it is,

Is that my fault?

Is this where my responsibility really kicks in in this communication?

And it's likely yes.

More so when we are upset,

Our brain lights up and we struggle to have access to our healthy coping tools.

We struggle to really stay present.

And it's here that we start analyzing the nonverbal cues in front of us.

It's why we have to be mindful.

It's why we have to be able to hear ourselves,

Right?

Because if we don't have access to the way that we need to show up in a healthy way,

Guess what?

Our communication,

Like I said in the beginning,

Is gonna be a shit show and we're gonna cause ourselves to have more trouble than the moment actually deserves.

One of my favorite things to say when I get upset is,

You know what,

This isn't working for me right now.

Can we pick this up later?

And if I'm dealing with someone who I know needs immediate resolution to the moment,

I will give a time and a date that I think I will be ready.

You have to really get into a space where you are listening internally in order to be able to communicate externally.

Now,

Step two is to watch for resistance,

Not only in the other person,

But within yourself.

That looks like discounting,

Not listening,

Denying,

Shutting down,

Shutting that other person down,

Interpreting thought instead of listening.

This is a big one.

I just said,

We're gonna talk about active listening.

I keep bringing it up because it's so important in our communication.

But when we are interpreting what other people say instead of listening to what is being said,

We build natural resistance.

So we,

Again,

Have to be aware of the internal conversation and think to ourselves,

What is coming up for me right now?

And if it's not working,

Then we have to take a deep breath and use this beautiful terminology,

The sentence that actually will break the moment in a very positive way,

And it is turning perspective around.

That sounds like what I'm hearing you say is X,

Y,

And Z.

That gives both of you,

Both people,

The chance to say,

No,

That's not really what I meant.

What I meant was X,

Y,

And Z,

Or for that other person to say,

Yes,

You're hearing me correctly.

And then you're able to really gauge the emotional communication and decide what to do next.

The third thing is what I call watch for the drifters.

Now,

This is also something that really destroys communication and it is the drifters.

The drifters are those moments that are outside of the experience,

Outside of the communication,

The conversation that you're having right at that moment.

They are the events that have taken place that we are now using as evidence to be able to prove our point in the moment.

Drifters are dangerous.

That sounds like,

Well,

I understand what you're saying,

But you did this that one time,

And now how am I supposed to feel because you've already done this to me,

Right?

It's the evidence.

The drifters are dangerous because we then begin to build a case against the person that we're communicating with,

And it destroys the ability to find resolution in the moment.

The other thing about drifters is this.

The more we bring something up over and over again,

We tend to build resentment,

And we don't wanna build resentment in our relationships.

Obviously,

That has a host of other problems,

But the same goes for our internal drifters,

Right?

These things that come to our mind and we connect to them and we begin to have emotions about them and we tell our brains why we messed up,

Those drifters also hurt our self-love and our inner peace.

So the more we hook into those drifters,

We allow ourselves to connect to those moments,

The more damage it does,

Not only externally and internally.

So we have to watch out for those.

Step four goes back to what I said in the very beginning.

Communication is our responsibility.

There's another step to that though,

Another place,

And it is this.

When somebody brings up something that actually is valid,

We have to acknowledge it.

We have to take responsibility for our role in every situation.

Now,

That doesn't mean if somebody's throwing a bunch of junk at us,

That isn't actually true,

That we have to validate their experience or their thoughts,

But we do have to give space for each individual person's feelings.

Just because we connected to a moment differently doesn't mean that someone else doesn't have different thoughts about the moment.

And so we have to look at it like that.

We have to say,

Yeah,

You're right.

I did show up in that way and I have to take responsibility for it.

In order to actually be heard,

In order to communicate,

In order to be listened to,

Responsibility is a major factor in that.

So even if it's uncomfortable,

Even if it's hard,

If you have a role,

We have to acknowledge said role.

Lastly,

Step five is to show respect.

Communication is all about intention and respect,

Meaning I have to listen.

And just because I don't agree,

I have to be willing to give someone the same kindness in which I am hoping and asking for,

Right?

What is the definition of respect?

This is huge and something we don't think about in communication other than you have to be respectful.

What it means to be respectful is you accept someone for who they are in the space that they are in and their feelings regardless of how you feel or think about the moment,

Meaning I'm opening the door,

I'm listening,

I have a platform,

A baseline for you to say what you need to say,

Even if I do not connect in the same way.

Showing respect looks like being kind and courteous,

Being polite,

Avoiding interruptions,

Causing disturbances,

Listening and being respectful of beliefs and opinions that differ,

Thinking before you speak,

Listening to your tone and language and giving compassion and empathy where it is due.

That is the way to show respect in conversation and our communication.

And that can be externally or internally,

Right?

Now,

Let's talk about tone and language for just a second because that is a huge part of being heard and listening.

And it's this,

Tone and language play just as much a part of receiving as it does speaking,

Right?

So I can say,

I am so mad and that doesn't have as much impact as I am so mad.

So when we are communicating with someone,

I want you to think about the way that you are approaching a situation.

If you're with someone who you're extremely comfortable with,

They already have a read of how you communicate.

And so if you begin to raise your voice and you're typically a yeller,

What happens to them is they begin to shut down.

They don't wanna hear it.

They already know where you're going to go.

And so they're anticipating based on their past evidence of how you're going to handle a situation.

This happens so often.

I see it so many times when spouses come in and we begin to talk about communication and one person will say,

All you do is yell.

And so I don't wanna listen to it.

I shut down,

I'm sick and tired of it.

You need to learn to communicate.

And it's not that they need to learn to communicate.

They need to learn how to be heard.

They need to learn how to bring their voice down and listen to their tone as much as their language.

Actually,

They are communicating.

They're telling you what they need and want.

They're diving into the intention part of communication.

They're just doing it in a way that doesn't meet something that works for you or for that other person,

Right?

So think about that.

They are communicating.

They're just not doing it in a way that is perhaps respectful or they're not doing it in a way that can be received.

Speaking of receiving,

There's something I wanna talk about.

This really goes into the active listening part and it is about expectations,

Right?

So expectations,

This is something that also came up this week.

The way I teach expectation is this.

Expectation is nothing more than the way that I want something to occur or it is also how I would do something if I were the one in that person's shoes.

Opinion and expectation can really be interchanged,

Right?

Or swapped out.

Same word,

Same meaning,

Same outcome a lot of times.

So with the expectation of communication,

This little piece often causes a lot of issues and it is the word you,

Right?

How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and they say,

You did this,

You did that and we begin to shut down because we feel attacked.

So if you wanna have active communication that is intentional,

That's guided,

That's mindful and grounded and has a result that meets an expectation,

Begin to speak about how you feel in the word I.

I need,

I want,

I am,

That goes back to that intention,

Right,

Telling someone what you need and want.

And if you do that,

You break the automatic wall that comes up the minute you have a hard conversation and somebody braces themselves for all the things that they possibly could have done wrong.

You did this is a totally different feeling than I feel as if the situation is not working for us.

Totally different.

So begin to change the verbiage,

Begin to change the language.

I feel,

I need,

I want,

I desire is so much better than you always,

You don't,

You aren't.

So think about that.

Now,

That leads to the act of listening and listening is as much intentional as speaking.

Anytime we are with anyone,

We want to actively listen.

Again,

That goes back to hearing and those five steps.

But when we are actively listening,

We are not formulating the next thing that we are going to say.

This is pretty standard for most people.

They listen,

They're trying to find the evidence,

They're trying to find a connection point and they begin to get into their own head,

Into their own experience,

Instead of really learning what the other person is saying or being really intentional and mindful in the moment.

And so we want to begin to shift that.

And instead of thinking about what we're doing for dinner or what time it is that we need to leave or how we're going to connect to the moment,

Ground yourself in the experience and remember that communication is more than just hearing and speaking.

So think about what is occurring before you,

Actively listen.

You can do that by really locking in and asking that person really pointed questions.

This is something that we're taught as therapists.

It's something I use every single day.

It's something that I teach the women and the couples that I work with to do.

And it's really asking those discovery questions.

I teach you here.

That sounds like,

Oh,

Wow,

How did that make you feel?

Wow,

I didn't realize you had that experience.

It's really offering validation because you're actually hearing what someone else said.

There's so much to that.

And we can go in for hours,

But begin to really get mindful and ask yourself,

Am I listening?

Am I hearing?

And can I ask something more that connects to the moment?

And in that,

We have to remember that when we're communicating with someone and this isn't necessarily directed inward,

But outward instead,

Is being careful of connecting to the moment so much that we hand over our experience unless we have asked for permission.

This is a big piece.

I often will use this with close friends of mine.

When they're relating a story to me,

I will say,

Oh,

Wow,

I understand.

I actually had a similar experience.

I don't know if that would make you feel better to hear,

But if you do,

I'm happy to share it with you.

That is asking for permission,

Not can I offer this moment to you or maybe it would make you feel better if I just told you my own experience,

But,

Oh,

Wow,

I understand,

I connect.

That makes somebody feel like they are being listened to,

They're being heard,

And they're not alone,

Right?

Remember,

Communication is more than just verbal communication.

This is that connection point.

So begin to ask permission too in your communications.

Communication is such an important thing,

Not only with the self,

But with other people.

We get it wrong so often by assuming,

Not listening,

Not being intentional,

Being in our own way,

By being distracted,

So many different ways.

But if you really wanna connect with yourself,

With someone else,

You have to begin to become so mindful of the experience.

You have to be aware of how you're speaking and how you're showing up.

You have to listen to that connection point of how you are reacting.

You have to listen to what's happening in your head,

In your emotional body,

And what's happening before you.

You have to speak kindly to yourself and offer those examples of respect that I gave you.

And if you do that,

You immediately begin to stand in your power.

You begin to resemble a gentle strength that really comes from a place of being heard and seen by the self and by those that you're engaging with.

When you give yourself the gift of listening,

When you give yourself the gift of using your voice,

You begin to really live from that empowered space that I told you would come if you would actually communicate in a very solid way.

In doing so,

In living in that space,

You stop looking for others to define who you are and who you are not because you know,

You've heard it.

You know what your experiences are.

You know what your thoughts are.

You know what the communication of your emotions are.

You stop wasting your time worried about what others think or are going to say because you know your truth.

You begin to value yourself.

You use your voice.

You stand in your power.

You begin to stop the limit thinking and you begin to live from a space where truth is spoken through your actions,

Through your desires and the negative self-talk records are broken.

Deep down inside,

You know that you are powerful and you stand up in that communication.

You don't worry about anything else other than am I showing up in a respectful and beautiful way?

These are things that help you grow in your personal power,

In your personal peace,

In your personal self-love,

In your personal power.

You deserve that.

And when you allow yourself,

When you give yourself permission to be heard and to use your voice,

You really get into a personal place of essential growth and doing so helps you get your life together.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations and additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Solid 5 stars for laying out a concrete 2-level (internal and external) communication protocol designed to improve the experience of difficult conversations. Highly practical tips.
Thanks!