8 Strategies to Discover & Live as Your Authentic Self

Do you ever feel like you are a different person to different people in your life? Do some people see one side of you while others do not? Or, do you ever feel like you struggle to express yourself fully? Maybe you knowingly hide behind who you truly are deep inside?

If so, you are not fully engaging with and living through your most authentic self.

Many are on a quest to live a more authentic life, yet to do so, you must be clear about what being authentic means to you.

We’re taking a one-on-one deep dive into authenticity. First, we’ll dive into what it means to be authentic, then how it’s built, experiences and feelings that keep us away from it, and then I’m going to give you eight strategies you can use today to start living and trusting yourself and others with the most genuine version of yourself.

Transcript

So,

Here's the million-dollar question.

Are you authentic?

For most,

They will automatically answer yes while internally beginning to question themselves,

You know,

Creating a quiet storm within as to how they are projecting themselves.

Am I living authentic?

If I asked you what authenticity means,

What would you say?

I'm going to give you a few answers that I've heard in just the last few months of some of the women that I have worked with,

And they are beautiful answers.

They do encompass authenticity,

But they aren't quite authenticity themselves.

So those answers are,

Authenticity means being truthful,

Being trustworthy,

Being open to your emotions,

To the emotions of other people,

Being genuine,

Being willing to express yourself,

Not hiding who you are,

Not feeling like you have to be a different person or,

You know,

A different version of you in front of your friends and family.

I love,

Again,

All of these answers,

But again,

I have to ask,

What does it mean to be authentic?

The simplest answer is to allow ourselves to be seen,

Heard,

And witnessed,

And I mean fully and truly,

Without mask,

Without barriers,

Without walls,

Truly being heard,

Seen,

And witnessed.

Authenticity means having an awareness,

A keen awareness of who you are,

What you stand for,

What your values and beliefs are,

Having emotional intelligence and knowing what your emotions mean to you,

And permitting yourself to express the whole of that person,

Honestly,

Openly,

And consistently to the world around you,

Regardless of who you're in front of,

The relationship you're engaging in,

And the good opinion of others.

This is exactly where most people will say,

Yep,

Not living authentic in all areas of my life,

But I can't be.

You don't know my mother,

Or my father,

Or my sister,

Or my mother-in-law.

If they knew all of me,

Things would be unbearable.

Our opinions don't align.

They don't agree with me on this or that.

They want me to do this,

And I don't want to do that.

And so,

We have to begin to look at who we are to the people in our lives,

Versus how that is impacting us.

Are we living authentically?

Speaking of opinions,

If you haven't heard me talk about the good opinions of others,

I said it just a moment ago.

Let me give you a quick rundown on what I mean.

What is an opinion?

It's a thought that we have practiced enough that we hold truth behind it.

Often,

We hand over opinions in the form of,

Quote,

Advice,

I'm just trying to help you out.

But really,

What this boils down to is,

This is what I would do if I were in your situation,

And that is vice versa.

If somebody's handing over an opinion of something about you,

That's really what they're saying.

This is my belief and my value.

This is how I would authentically show up.

And yet,

These opinions have a way of knocking us out of our authentic self.

We fear rejection.

We worry about not fitting in.

We worry about not feeling seen for our truest intentions,

And that keeps us playing small.

We hide aspects of ourselves around certain people,

You know,

The family members,

The people who will disapprove,

The boss.

We wear masks to be anything other than who we are.

Add trauma,

Limiting beliefs,

And a host of all other negative movements,

And we begin to fall short of living as the authentic girl inside of us.

Anytime we engage with our lives in this way,

We will internally struggle.

It is a pure setup for struggle.

I need you to understand that.

When we internally struggle,

What happens?

We project that struggle into our relationships and our daily experiences.

Then we're like standing back going,

Why isn't anything working?

Well,

Because we are not authentically showing up.

We are in a cycle.

This is how cycles are made and kept in place.

Belief,

Action,

Belief,

Action,

Or thought,

Feeling,

Action,

And it's repetitive.

Of course,

There are ways to stop this from happening,

And I'm going to hand those over to you today because truly opting into your life,

Into your body,

Into your experiences allows you to have a say in your life.

And a lot of times when we feel like we're broken or things are not working,

It's because we feel like we don't have control.

And what is a say?

It's a set of control.

This is the element of showing up that I'm always talking about,

Right?

And when we're not authentic,

Our lives don't belong to us.

They belong to those experiences,

Opinions,

The demands of others,

And those expectations of those family members,

Of the boss,

Of the friends that keeps us wearing the mask.

One of the most beautiful quotes that I use as a reminder of all of this to myself and for others is by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It says,

To be yourself in a world that is consistently trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

Sit with that for just a moment.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

It doesn't say a great accomplishment.

It says the greatest accomplishment.

When we are authentic,

When we live in the alignment of mind,

Body,

And soul,

And I'll throw in purpose too,

Beautiful things happen.

It is the greatest accomplishment.

This quote goes hand in hand with another quote that I often think about,

And that is,

As you think,

So shall you be.

These two quotes literally define authenticity.

So let's go deeper into another layer of authenticity before we chat about why we often give up our authenticity in favor of others.

And then,

Of course,

I'll hand over those strategies that you can employ right now to begin to really get to know yourself on a deeper level and really find yourself.

Now,

When I say find yourself,

I don't mean find yourself in a way that you are lost or that there's something missing or something wrong with you,

Something broken.

I mean it in a way that if you know what you want and you believe,

You have the power to create whatever you desire.

It takes work though,

Right?

It takes rooting down,

Taking away all of the happening of your life,

Right?

All of the events,

The traumas,

And really getting to a place where you say,

This is who I am.

This is how I am.

This is what I believe.

This is what I need,

What I desire.

This is how I believe I am meant to show up.

Now,

This is an ever-changing process.

And since it is,

You can do this work at any time.

And that's what's so beautiful.

You are not the girl you were last year.

You're not the same person you were when you were 15 or 12 or 5.

This is an ever-changing process.

When we look at our values and our beliefs,

We have to check in with the alignment of our authenticity.

So don't say,

You know,

I'm this way or that way.

And that's the way it's always going to be because that's not the truth.

If you have a desire to be more connected into your life,

You are seeking alignment and authenticity.

With this understanding,

At the very core level,

Authenticity illuminates your path forward.

I want you to understand that.

It helps us get into our lives and have a desirable life.

When you know who you are and what you want,

You live through this frame without fear.

That doesn't mean that fear doesn't find its way in,

But it means that on the baseline,

It's not a fear-driven life.

So important.

When we are outside of that behavior,

When we're outside of that mindset,

We can make decisions aligned with this beautiful identity of our core values of who she,

Who you really are inside.

You build a life through a standard of meaning and joy.

And of course,

This sounds a lot easier said than done,

Of course,

Because at the baseline of all of that is vulnerability.

It takes vulnerability to look at yourself and ask,

Who am I at my core?

If I move all of these expectations,

Past events and entrenched traumas and limits,

Who am I?

There's a deep act of vulnerability when we speak our opinions in honesty,

Of course,

In a healthy way,

Regardless of how that may rub against or clash with someone we are in a relationship with or who we want to like us.

It takes vulnerability to make decisions that align with our mind,

Body,

Soul,

And our needs.

There's a sense of exposure when we pursue our passions.

If they don't look like the life,

Quote,

The life,

We have been told we should live or the life that aligns with our family or our culture.

There's a deep feeling of unsureness when we decide to listen to our inner voice and allow it to be our guide,

To drive us forward,

You know,

Setting boundaries and walking away from pleasing others,

Feeling the discomfort of unhealthy connection.

You know,

It comes from a place of knowing that authenticity has to be your ultimate guide.

When we betray ourselves to fit in,

To belong,

To be a part of something that you are actually are not,

You wind up feeling isolated and alone.

That's that broken feeling.

Feelings of guilt and shame and low self-esteem are the results of you not being true to yourself.

When we get to this place where we are tired of feeling this way is often the breaking point,

The jump off point,

Where our feet are over the edge of the cliff and we say,

You know what,

I'm done.

I am ready to uncover and live as who I am.

It's here we turn inward and ask,

What does it mean to be authentically me?

I will warn you a beautiful warning though.

This is a learning process.

It's a process that starts with reflection and self-awareness.

It starts with permission and courage because if you live your entire life in a way that suits everyone else,

It is scary as hell to step out of a box and say,

Here I am.

You know,

I'm opening my arms up wide open.

I am owning all of me despite your good opinions,

Despite what you think it's best.

If you don't like me,

That's okay.

This is me.

It feels rebellious.

It can have its own sense of guilt and blame attached to it.

But when you free yourself from the mask,

You unabashedly live.

Think of it this way.

We are constantly working to be in balance of the inner and outer aspects of ourselves in order to fit in,

Hit goals,

Become successful,

Find love,

Be grounded,

Heal.

We are driven to find our place,

Our people,

And we want to be respected for who we truly are and what we have to offer.

Connection is a fundamental need of ours.

So when we are showing up,

Trying to find meaning in our lives,

We also have the element of not wanting to be alone,

Which often allows us to lean out of our authenticity and lean into the superficial part of our society.

You know,

Too many people are people-pleasing,

Burying trauma,

Striving for perfection,

Defining success in the terms of their bank account or their possessions.

And in all of that,

You can easily straddle the line of fundamentally striving toward our best life and living behind what everyone else wants and needs us to be.

It's a very hard duality to live.

In sessions,

When we talk about these factors and straddling that line,

There's usually a deep witnessing of even the smallest ways that authenticity is not fully active within us.

And that's a big thing because if you're engaging in anything that does not align in your beliefs,

Desires,

Needs,

Wants,

You're not living authentically.

From the relationships because you can't close the door,

To the job you hate,

To the behaviors that you know don't serve you,

The thought pattern,

All of it.

These are all actions that hold you back.

The journey to self-discovery is the journey to authenticity.

Remember,

I asked,

Who are you at your core?

And it's here that the next question rolls right off the tongue.

And that question is,

Why is it so hard to overcome authenticity?

Why is it so hard to give yourself permission to be who you are all the time in front of everyone?

And the answer is really simple.

We are molded as children by our parents,

Our teachers,

Our religion,

Our peers,

Our society to fit in,

To conform,

To be liked,

Right?

We want to be a part of the popular group.

And as a result,

We pick up and develop beliefs and thoughts and behaviors that keep us in patterned ways.

When we live in patterned ways that are not solely from ourselves,

We are living as an outside version of ourselves,

An acceptable form of us.

We call that the adaptable self.

This is the self that prioritizes getting along,

Doing as we're told,

Making sure that others aren't uncomfortable.

This is the social self,

Right?

Of course,

This is helpful when we engage with others.

It's helpful to have some standardized rules of how we should behave,

Right?

Should being the big word there.

But until you've done the authenticity work,

It's not the true self that's living in accordance to your highest desires,

Values,

And standards.

And when we do the work,

That self is the social self,

Right?

There is alignment.

You've heard me say a million times that our brains are wired for safety.

As we grow up,

We are generally told on repeat how unsafe the world is for us.

We're told to go with the crowd,

Be easy,

Don't be difficult,

Don't stand out,

Don't be one of a kind,

Right?

Find your people,

Fit in.

But if you are going to be one of a kind,

You best bring it.

This becomes the standard frame in which we seek through our lives.

If one person is told that they should stand out as a child and the other is told to be small,

The child that is told to be small is going to always have adaptive behaviors to fit in.

They're the chameleons.

They're the people pleasers.

In order to brain hack the safety out of our brain and override these standard behaviors,

We have to take conscious effort,

Right?

We have to make conscious effort and own ourselves,

Choose authenticity over fitting in even over those who are quote supposed to be our people,

Our support system.

So how do we do this?

What are the strategies?

How can we break down the adaptive self and get into the authentic self?

Let's grab some paper.

It's time to take some notes.

If you're driving or you're out for a run,

Check out the show notes of this episode so you can see exactly where each of these strategies hit in the episode so you can return to them easily.

So these strategies can be done on your own,

But if you struggle with any of these pieces,

It's a great clue that there is more work to be done and it may be time to connect with someone like me or someone in your local area who can help you to get to the root of who you are outside of all of the experiences.

So the first place we want to look at is to come right back to the question of who are you?

Whether it seems like it or not,

It is sometimes really challenging to think about that sort of elusive question,

Who am I?

But it can begin by starting with what do I like and what do I dislike?

This is really a very powerful way that we can turn inward.

It's an amazing exercise to help us observe ourselves,

Sort of like the fly on the wall,

Right?

Remember,

I told you earlier,

A belief,

What we like and what we dislike,

Is a thought that we've practiced so many times to the point that we've locked it into our brain as a metric to measure our experiences by.

So what are your beliefs?

What are your likes and dislikes?

Get really deep.

Some examples of beliefs we are taught but may not actually align with who we are right now tend to sound like,

I have to be loved to be happy.

It's best to give up my interest to please other people.

I'm not respected unless I've achieved something.

If people dislike me,

I can't be happy.

If I'm alone,

I'm lonely.

I have to be more than other people so that I can be as good as them.

I can't trust anyone because they'll hurt me.

If people know what I really like,

They're not going to like me.

My happiness depends more on other people than it does myself.

I'm basically bad or stupid,

Ugly,

An imposter,

Lazy,

Needy,

Demanding,

Or this is a big one,

I must have control,

Total control.

These are the stories we tell ourselves based on our past,

Our families,

Our experiences,

To keep ourselves safe from anything that may harm us.

It trashes our ability to show up,

To live purposefully,

And to thrive in our truest self.

Positive core beliefs would be like,

I am lovable.

I am not lonely if I am alone.

I am good.

The world is a fair place to me.

I don't have to have control over everything in my life.

I can trust people even if there have been experiences that have shown me that there are untrustworthy people.

My happiness depends 100% on me and no one else.

Those are positive core beliefs,

Right?

And they feel much different.

We have to bring our awareness to our adaptive self-behaviors because all of those negative sentences that I just handed over are really hidden jewels to keep us safe.

You know,

I failed that one time.

My parents brought it up to me and they're right.

I'm not good enough.

You can never actually live authentically if that is the rhythm,

If that's the inner conversation that's happening.

Are you sure you're not good enough?

Ask yourself,

What does good enough mean?

How do I act or react under pressure?

How do I respond to challenges?

You know,

Do I immediately withdraw and find shame?

Because if so,

The authentic self is being smothered under the adaptive self-behaviors.

As you know what you like and what you don't like,

Practice noticing if your responses are truly yours or do they belong to someone else?

You know,

Maybe your father acted that way and you immediately step into those behaviors because that's what you've always known.

If these behaviors are not yours,

They have met their expiration date.

So on your piece of paper,

Reflect on the aspects of your day-to-day life and notice what is adaptive?

What are the things that you do or feel like you should do versus the authentic underlying desire of what you want to do?

A really great clue here is by noticing how you feel.

The things that feed you in an authentic way will always make you feel fulfilled and happy.

Your actions,

Thoughts,

And feelings that are not serving you or your authentic self will be trying.

They'll be exhausting.

They'll feel negative.

They'll even sometimes just feel neutral,

That rut in life,

Right?

We're not adding anything to ourselves.

We're not giving the brain that little burst of serotonin that it needs to make us feel like we're really fully engaging.

The rule is if it isn't adding to you,

It may not be the best for you.

As you begin to clue in to those likes and dislikes,

How you're showing up,

How you're responding,

You can begin to really label what is authentic and what is inauthentic.

I once had a wonderful lady put it in such a brilliant term,

So I want to hand those over to you.

She had a very trying relationship with her daughter-in-law and she said this concept really hit home for her when she went to dinner right after a session and she started to notice this sense of fakeness,

This falseness that she was displaying towards her daughter-in-law.

She just didn't really like her.

She didn't want to hug her.

She didn't want to have small talk with her because she just didn't actually care for her as a person.

There was no real alignment,

But she had always shown up in that way,

You know,

The hugs,

How are you,

Because that is what was expected of her.

The adaptive self played a nice role for her because she knew that in order to have a healthy relationship with her son,

She needed to be kind to his wife.

And as we drilled down,

We looked at what those feelings were authentically speaking to her.

And when we got to the baseline of it,

She realized it wasn't that she didn't like her daughter-in-law.

It's that she felt drained by her daughter-in-law because she was always asking to have her take care of her grandkids.

But there was this list of judgments and things that she could and could not do with them that really the mother-in-law ended up feeling like she was just being taken advantage of.

And when she asked for help from the daughter-in-law,

The daughter-in-law was always too busy.

She used the kids as the excuse.

And so really she was drained.

This is a really excellent understanding of how we let our authentic needs go and allow the adaptive self to take over and we straddle that line that doesn't work for us,

Right?

I have a need.

You won't fulfill it,

But you're asking me to fulfill yours.

And I have to step away from what I authentically feel and want.

I feel like I'm on a boat that's on really rough water.

And identifying this process,

It's not quick,

Right?

It's not as quick as going out to dinner and realizing I don't want to hug this person.

It took time to drill down.

So as you are doing the work,

Spend time each day reflecting on your daily experiences to understand what brings me joy,

What takes me away from it.

Write it down.

Write those things down because you will absolutely see a pattern or a trend of the things that are keeping you from truly engaging with your highest self or you'll see the things that you're doing that do add to that person that you really are.

Now,

Strategy number two,

I love this piece.

And again,

If you've listened to this podcast more than once,

You know that writing and journaling are a major part of my processes and there's a reason for it.

But a beautiful way to get down to the base of who you are is to open a dialogue with yourself,

Invite the adaptive and authentic self to the table.

We all have these pieces of us,

Right?

So you just have to own it.

We know that we have to be one person in our family unit versus who we are allowed to be outside.

So who are those people?

Really bring your mind to episodes in your life where you stop being who you are and really adapted to existing ways of your parents or the world around you.

A lot of times,

This is why the holidays are such a big struggle for so many people is because they then have to begin to stuff everything they're doing in their outside life.

I can't tell them about the boyfriend.

I can't tell them about the girlfriend.

I don't want my parents to know that I'm straddling the line of two relationships that don't look like traditional relationships or I have quit my job and I don't want to tell my parents that,

Right?

These pieces become really big movements and we have to start really examining where these behaviors come from,

Why we're deciding to engage in them,

What we need to let go of and what we can shed.

I really want you to think of it in this way.

The authentic self is always confident.

It knows its capabilities.

It is good with who it is.

It isn't asking to be hidden,

But the adaptive self is the masked self.

It functions in small ways.

It hides.

It doesn't allow.

It keeps you safe from what may be uncomfortable.

And you know what?

Growth is uncomfortable.

It just is.

We are shedding.

We are moving through pieces that are hard for us.

We don't want to be adaptive in those behaviors.

We want to be authentic in those behaviors.

And so a good clue in here is if you feel confident,

You are authentically in your power,

In who you are,

In all of you,

In the truest form of you.

If you feel that things are difficult or confusing or too hard,

The question then is,

Am I adapting to make others feel okay in my experiences?

That's a big one.

Let it hit you.

Let it hit you right through the center of your chest.

Am I adapting to make others feel okay in my experiences?

The other question is,

Am I adapting to the experiences because I'm unwilling to respect my own needs and wants?

If the answer is yes,

You're out of alignment of your core.

Then we get to get into the pieces,

Right,

Of what we want and the beautiful pieces that create the soul of you.

When we take a journey to the authentic self,

We do so,

So that we can meet ourselves in the moment.

When we know our values,

What we respect,

What we need,

They show up in conversations like what type of people,

Activities,

And situations do I want that make me feel the most alive,

That make me feel the most confident,

Right?

Where and who are the people in my life that make me feel unhappy,

Angry,

Or toxic?

As you're writing down,

As you're getting into the root,

Ask yourself,

What emotions come up?

What are these experiences costing you emotionally,

Mentally,

Physically,

Financially sometimes,

And sometimes even spiritually?

Are you adapting yourself to a space for others that may not even deserve the adaptation?

In situations where you feel authentic,

Ask,

What's going on?

Who am I with?

What activities are involved?

What positive emotions or outcomes are within these moments?

From this activity alone,

You'll get a sense of what needs to be changed,

If anything.

To live authentically,

You must prioritize the people and the activities that bring you joy and meaning.

And sometimes you may have to walk away from the unhealthy relationship and the toxic situations if you want to have a greater sense of the self.

A lot of people think,

Well,

That's just mean,

That's just cruel,

But it comes back to,

Can you authentically be you if everything around you is unhealthy?

The answer is no.

Within all of this,

You need to work on strategy number three,

And that's making a conscious and active decision to live your life in the present.

The ability to be present with yourself,

To sit with yourself,

No matter what's going on around you or who is around you,

Is essential to authenticity.

So many people do not want to be alone.

They do not want to have quiet time with themselves.

They don't want to go to the movies by themselves.

They don't want to sit at the restaurant by themselves,

But understand,

If you're always distracted by your mental chatter or the external situations around you,

You are not aware of your own state of being.

The only way that we can really be present in our lives is to be present within ourselves,

To be present with ourselves.

It's why I teach meditation.

It's why I teach journaling.

It's why I say that you have to heal in order to progress in your life.

This is a daily commitment.

You have to be able to sit with yourself,

To be with yourself in order to be authentic in your life.

Big thing.

How do you get there?

You make the conscious effort to do it.

It's uncomfortable.

Sit with yourself for 10 minutes and ask yourself,

How am I feeling?

Remember that inner dialogue and really begin to open the door to getting to know who you are,

And that can feel like coming home to the place that you have always been meant to be.

It's a beautiful experience.

Strategy number four.

This is a big one,

And this is where a lot of people say that maybe you're conceited or you're arrogant,

Or you live from your ego,

And this is not a place of that.

Authentically owning your gifts is a beautiful thing.

It's a beautiful experience.

It's something we all must do.

We have purpose.

When we arrive on this planet,

We may have multiple purposes,

And we have gifts that help us move into those purposes,

And we must own them.

This is so hard for so many women,

But your gifts are a combination of your unique traits,

Your personality,

Your desires,

Your experiences.

They are the essence of what makes you,

You.

If you cannot be authentic,

If you reject yourself,

You cannot own your talents and your gifts,

So get really clear.

Get clear about what belongs to you.

Maybe it's that you are an excellent listener.

A lot of times when we talk about talent,

We're talking about something that can produce a big result,

A financial result.

That's not always a talent that we're talking about.

Sometimes a talent is,

I'm an excellent listener.

That's not something that many people are good at.

For you to know this is an active talent of yours means that when you're engaging in a conversation,

In a relationship,

You're using your authentic nature.

So what are your gifts?

There's another piece to this,

A little caveat too,

Right?

You can't just know them.

You have to actually use them and harness them in your life to help you live in your best state of you,

And a really good way,

Again,

Go to that journaling page and list out not your strengths,

But your gifts.

I am a great listener.

I am really empathetic.

I am compassionate.

These are gifts.

These are talents.

These are aspects of your true authentic self that have to be owned,

Witnessed,

And honored.

Strategy number five is something that I hope that most people are participating in,

In their lives,

Especially their adult lives,

But you know,

For a lot of people,

The truth is difficult.

And in order to be authentic,

We cannot align with things that we do not believe or falsehoods.

And so we have to be able to speak our truth.

In doing so,

We improve how we communicate and improving how we communicate can have a big impact on how we live authentically.

You know,

This is the scientific fact that nine out of 10 conversations miss the mark when it comes to understanding intention or emotions.

So when we're authentically assertive,

Not aggressive,

But assertive,

We are able to speak our truth in what we need,

Want,

And desire.

This is my intention,

Right?

This is a big thing.

A lot of people will have conversations with someone that means something to them.

And then we walk away going,

What the hell?

Right?

If that has happened,

Why would they think that way?

And it's because we've missed the mark.

We've missed the authentic part of ourselves being in the interaction.

An authentic exchange would be like expressing your needs honestly,

With confidence,

Listening to other people as they speak,

Keeping eye contact during a conversation.

That is authentic behavior.

You know,

Being able to say no,

Being honest while still remembering your needs and the needs of the other person.

This encourages balance in conversations where both people have a chance to be seen and heard.

When we open the door and we allow ourselves to be authentic,

We open the door for the people that we engage with to do the same.

In that,

There is a space of truth.

You know,

Even setting boundaries is a way of being assertively truthful,

Right?

This is not healthy for me.

This is what I need.

So look at what your truths are.

You know,

What can you do to build truth into your authentic self?

Again,

It kind of goes back to what you value and what you believe.

But really knowing,

You know,

This is my truth.

This is how I'm honoring it.

I'm listening to you.

I respect you.

I don't always have to agree.

I'm keeping the eye contact.

I'm able to say no,

This is my boundary.

I am authentically,

Truthfully me.

It's a big thing.

The sixth strategy is to work towards daily action of authenticity.

Authenticity can feel really big,

Right?

Like this big,

You know,

Abstract concept.

And I can understand if that's how you're feeling right now.

But you're actually authentic more times than you realize in your day-to-day life,

Right?

There's not this place where you're just completely fake.

Everyone has an authentic movement about them.

But when we have to really look at this in a sort of a global way of our lives,

We want to break it down to our day-to-day actions.

And that way we can take daily steps towards being more authentic more of our time.

Because you know,

It's really in our small moments,

The things that you say,

Your decisions,

Your actions that add up to who you are.

Essentially having an authentic life starts with authentic planning,

Intentional daily planning.

If your downtime is dominated by other people's priorities,

You're not living in your truth.

You have to set aside time for your priorities for the day ahead.

You know,

The tasks that you have to do at work or the exercise or getting enough sleep.

It's really putting this effort into authentically honoring your needs,

Wants,

And desires,

Right?

Because that is where we find the baseline of our authenticity.

We have to include time each day to take small steps towards our personal goals.

This is very simple,

Right?

It can be something very as simple as,

I want more quiet time in my life so I can get to know who I am.

And that's going to bring me more joy.

And more joy means more authenticity.

Commit to those small tasks.

You'll be surprised how these very small things add up to knowing what you want,

Need,

Desire,

Believe,

And really want for yourself.

The next piece of this,

Right?

Strategy number seven is allow yourself to step back anytime you need perspective.

The adaptive self is a strong self.

It's not going to go anywhere,

Right?

Its job is to keep you safe.

And you know,

It's always going to have you really working your way out of the authentic self if you feel that there's a threat.

And there's another piece of this.

When you are hyper-focused on a problem,

On a situation,

On hiding,

On the mask,

You will lose sight of who you are.

The authentic self steps to the side and the adaptive self steps right in and takes control.

I mean,

How many times have we all not needed to step back and look at the bigger picture,

Right?

So important.

And removing yourself from situations altogether can help you understand where you are showing up and how you are showing up.

I love the practice of getting down to just the facts.

You know,

The facts are this happened and then this happened and I did this.

Those are the facts.

You can find solutions then that are really grounded in rational,

Authentic,

Focused behavior.

Beyond that,

Taking a break helps you listen to your heart and your gut and your intuition and the answers flow naturally.

This is really excellent.

This is a way that we can get to know what we need by not being in the thick of every moment.

A lot of people don't realize that that takes us out of our authentic self,

But it 100% does.

So if you struggle with that,

Then know this is a step forward back to that home base.

In getting down to just the facts,

It's really important to look at the internal and external influences.

You know,

What's the motivation in the moment?

External motivations or influences are those drivers or desires that come from deep within.

I'm talking about the heart dreams that push you to be a better person and pursue your goals.

The external motivators are the decisions you make on the factors that are outside of you like money or status or recognition or expectations of the family or what you thought you were going to do.

Those are the external motivators.

So when we're breaking down the facts and we have time to distinguish between external and internal,

We can make decisions with much more clarity and authenticity.

It's in these moments that we can ask ourselves some really fantastic questions to narrow down to root down.

You know,

Do I feel pressure by other people to take this step?

If so,

Whom?

What do I want to accomplish in this situation,

In these facts?

Am I willing to fight through difficult obstacles to make this happen for me so that I can feel my most authentic self?

Is this truly what I want?

And then we listen to our gut and we tap into the intuition,

That inner voice.

And you know,

Oftentimes the answer is already there.

And it allows us to see,

Is this situation serving me?

Is it helping me be my most authentic and grounded self?

Or is it keeping me in adaptive behaviors that is working for everyone else and yet causing me to struggle within?

Big questions.

This is the way back home.

Lastly,

Big one,

Right?

A huge one when it comes to authenticity.

And it is that you have to love yourself completely.

This is the hardest thing for most people to do.

To love yourself completely means that you have to accept what is.

You have to accept the past.

You've had mistakes.

You've been imperfect.

There are things you would like to change.

And yet if you use them correctly and live through the authentic self,

You can use those things as the driver to the change you would like to create.

When you feed your mind with love,

When you feed your mind with the emotions,

The nourishing thoughts,

The feelings of this is my life and I'm making decisions for me,

As me,

With who I am in a story that works for me,

You shift out of living solely for others.

It's here that you can build a self-love habit of writing,

You know,

Freehand to allow the subconscious mind to deliver how you're feeling,

What you're noticing and what's happening within so that it can be reflected on paper.

This is an essential maintenance tool of our authenticity,

Right?

To love ourselves completely does not mean to be,

You know,

In a place of love that is perfect.

We're not perfect.

I'm not perfect.

You're not perfect.

But we can love ourselves how we are.

And that is a baseline.

And in all of this,

In all of this,

This is a strategy.

So maybe it's number nine,

Right?

There is this thing that we have to look at and that is our social support system.

And if you already have it,

It's not a strategy that you have to really move into.

But if you don't have it,

Then this is your bonus.

Number nine,

You know,

One of the most beautiful and joyful aspects of life is having people with whom you can truly be your unfiltered self with.

This support system can be anyone,

Right?

Friend,

Family member,

Colleague.

It can be a professional coach or therapist.

This is anyone that allows you to be seen without judgment and allow the walls to come down so that you can show up as you.

Flawed,

Messed up,

Perceivedly broken.

I don't care,

Right?

You as you,

Where you are today.

You have to then prioritize getting together with these people in regular intervals,

You know,

Whether in person or online,

Because this helps us know more of us.

When we feel supported,

We're much more likely to give to ourselves and the outside world.

These are big.

You know,

These are excellent strategies to help us get to know who we are,

Not only today,

But the girl we were and the person we were told we should be versus who we showed up as to where we want to be,

To where we are ultimately growing to be.

You know,

This is the real us.

It helps us know what mask we are wearing and how the adaptive self is trying to fit in and act inconsistent with who we truly are.

The more you practice authenticity,

The easier it will be to spot the inconsistent self,

The adaptable self.

The more you practice,

The easier it will be to step into your personal power.

The more you practice,

The easier it'll be to know where you want to go from where you are today.

Authenticity means showing up.

It means knowing who you are.

So the steps are,

Become self-aware.

Sounds so simple in steps,

Doesn't it,

Right?

Identify what you believe in value.

Get clear on how you act.

Known your truth,

Your talent,

And your strength.

Find the love for yourself in this authenticity.

Practice it daily.

And then if you don't have a circle,

Build that circle of support of people who are willing to see you as you.

No filter,

No pretty Instagram photos,

Right?

Just you.

Please remember,

It takes time to develop this truest sense and lifeline of authenticity.

This is the pursuit of you.

Think about when you first fall in love or you meet somebody that just kind of takes your breath away.

That courting feeling,

I just want to be around you.

This is that journey.

This is valuing your own company.

The journey to the safeness,

To the confidence,

To the self-esteem,

To the love,

To all of you is a beautiful,

Wonderful thing.

It's not easy.

All you have to do is take your hand and allow yourself to go,

To get started.

And as you do,

Continue to monitor yourself.

You'll notice when you beard off from the authentic self,

Just welcome yourself back to center and work through whatever it is that's taking you out of the present moment.

Soon,

You'll be able to question your inner conversations.

You'll be able to listen,

Offer yourself what you need,

Silence that adaptive behavior whenever it's not best serving you,

And thrive by showing up just as you are,

Whether or not that makes other people uncomfortable or not.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.