Parenting: Handling Tantrums And Difficult Behavior

This guided meditation will help parents relax, reduce anger and frustration, and be more confident, compassionate, and patient in their parenting. It draws on research on psychology and child development, particularly work by Siegel and Bryson, to help parents better understand their children’s behavior and respond to it more effectively.

Transcript

Welcome,

And thank you for coming and taking a few minutes to pause with me.

I'm Georgiana,

And I'm grateful for the opportunity to lead you through this guided meditation for parents,

Which draws on research from psychology and child development to help you better understand your children's behaviors.

By understanding which behaviors are developmentally appropriate,

We can have appropriate expectations and responses to some common behaviors that many parents struggle with,

And even find joy in the mundane or difficult moments of parenting.

Let's begin by turning inward,

Using our breath as an anchor to the present moment.

Get into a comfortable position for you,

Actively seated or lying down.

Perhaps place your hands on your belly,

Feeling it rise and fall with your breath.

Take a deep breath,

Allowing your belly to rise and the oxygen to fill your lungs and expand your rib cage.

Exhale through your nose,

Releasing any tension in your body.

As you inhale again,

You can repeat to yourself in and as you exhale out.

In and out.

Now imagine you have come home from a tough day at work and are with someone you love dearly,

Perhaps a partner.

You're sharing the challenges of your day being your most open,

Authentic self.

How does it feel to be so open?

Perhaps you feel vulnerable.

Perhaps you feel joy at being so open.

Perhaps you feel worried about how they might react.

Maybe your emotions are even bubbling over and you begin to cry to release some of the day's frustration.

Visualize your partner's reaction.

How would you want your partner to respond to your distressed state?

What do they do,

If anything?

Imagine their facial expressions,

Their tone of voice,

Physical movements.

How do you feel when they respond in your ideal way?

What sensations are you experiencing in your body in this moment?

Some of us may have imagined an accepting response from our loved one.

Perhaps we imagined that they embraced us or that they simply lovingly listened to us or that they validated our feelings and provided reassurance.

Now let the image dissipate,

Taking a deep inhalation and a long exhalation.

Let's imagine how you might feel if your partner responded to your distress in a different way.

Perhaps as you began crying out of frustration,

They said,

Calm down or even told you perhaps you are overreacting.

What sensations do you feel in your body now?

It might feel like your emotions have been dismissed or that you are only loved when you express what are perceived to be happy emotions.

Notice whether you feel any muscles starting to tense or your chest or shoulders tightening.

If your partner consistently responded this way to you over time,

How might you adjust your behavior in the relationship?

Would you continue to open up to them with your authentic feelings and self?

Now let that image and any emotions and physical sensations around the visualization dissipate,

Bringing your attention back to your breath.

As you inhale,

You can repeat to yourself in.

And as you exhale,

Out.

In.

Feeling your belly rise.

Out.

Feeling your belly fall.

Isn't it interesting that in parenting we may be tempted to respond to children's openness by perhaps unintentionally dismissing their feelings?

In the moment,

We may feel that we are helping them learn to self-regulate,

But these approaches may send the message to repress feelings rather than learn to express them appropriately.

Will this encourage them to continue sharing their deepest thoughts,

Feelings,

And emotions with you?

Come back to your breath.

As you inhale,

Repeat to yourself in.

As you exhale,

Out.

You can have the relationship you want with your child in both the short and the long term and help them learn to self-regulate.

Of course,

We're human and we won't respond perfectly every time,

But with awareness,

Which you are helping to build in yourself right now,

We can learn to pause our reactions and respond how we would like more often.

The more we practice responding after pausing,

The more automatic it becomes.

Take a deep breath in and out.

In and out.

Research shows that children's behaviors reflect an underlying need and that the most effective way to change a child's behavior is by being attuned and responding to their needs.

Children of course are not yet able to understand or express their emotions and needs as adults can,

So rather than tell you they've had a rough day at school,

They may have a meltdown over something unrelated.

They may even become aggressive.

Some amount of aggression is developmentally normal.

Meltdowns or tantrums can start around 15 months and are common even at ages 4 and older.

Aggression including kicking,

Hitting,

Or biting can occur until about age 5 or even older in some cases.

Some behaviors occur because this part of the brain guiding impulse control is not fully developed and when kids are dysregulated,

They cannot control their bodies or behaviors.

They also can't take in lessons when they're already dysregulated.

So the first step in addressing this behavior is helping the child return to a calm state.

We can help them return to a calm state by remaining calm ourselves.

In this moment,

Take a deep breath in and out.

Remember during the day,

Stop,

Take a breath,

Observe what you feel,

And then proceed.

Understanding that these behaviors are linked to development allows you to accept them,

Which does not mean that you like or agree with them.

Of course we must teach children how to self-regulate.

But when we accept that these behaviors have a physiological cause,

It may be easier to be compassionate in the face of these challenging behaviors.

Take a deep breath in and out.

Your compassionate response will help your child come back to a calm state when they are able to receive your message about how to appropriately express their emotions.

This will not only teach your children to self-regulate,

But maintain your connection with them so that they continue to open up to you,

Trust you,

And want to cooperate with you.

Take a deep breath in and out.

Children's behavior reflects an underlying need.

We can sometimes prevent meltdowns by recognizing and addressing needs.

Periodically,

Throughout the day,

You can pause and think to yourself,

Halt.

Are they hungry,

Angry,

Lonely,

Or tired?

When children are hungry or tired,

This can trigger meltdowns seemingly out of nowhere.

Research shows that hunger sensitivity is particularly acute in boys,

And the biological reaction is rapid.

After basic needs are met,

Check in about emotional needs.

Anger can surface when children don't feel they have sufficient power and control.

An easy way to give children power is to give them choices.

For example,

Allow them to choose how they want to dress in the morning.

Think about how good it makes you feel when you have control over many aspects of your life.

Finally,

Loving attention is a daily need,

So your child may be expressing loneliness when they ask for attention,

Either explicitly or implicitly through their behavior.

Even just several minutes of undivided attention will fill their cups and may ultimately take less time than waiting for their feelings to bubble over.

Now take a deep breath in and out.

It's okay if these things don't happen every time,

Just as you plan them.

As you take your next deep breath in,

Repeat to yourself silently or out loud,

My child's behavior reflects an underlying need.

Halt.

Hungry,

Angry,

Lonely,

Tired.

My child's behavior reflects an underlying need.

Halt.

Hungry,

Angry,

Lonely,

Tired.

You can use this mantra when you start your day or during the day when you are witnessing your children's behavior and want to respond appropriately.

My child's behavior reflects an underlying need.

Halt.

Hungry,

Angry,

Lonely,

Tired.

Now take a deep breath in,

Filling your rib cage,

And exhale,

Bringing your attention back into your fingers and your toes.

You can slowly bring awareness into the present moment and into the space you are in now.

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your day and for taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.

Reviews

Lonely and angry I was not aware of thank you for this !!

Lots of excellent pieces of advice in here. Thank you.

Another great reminder of how to approach one of my greatest triggers…tantrums! Thank you!