Responses to loss and change.
We live in a time where we have to consider losing and change as the new normal.
Our life will change with the events going on around us and most of it is out of our control.
Losing control over the situation or events is often shocking and brings us out of balance.
Grief of loss or fear of change have many things in common.
How we get around to it,
These moments of negative events in our life is dependent on our character and upbringing.
There are different ways of coping with loss and change.
The experience of loss and strong changes during childhood to shape your personality.
It is not only a personal experience that dominates our reaction and the way we react to events,
But our environment has a strong influence on it.
It is very important how you interact with your direct and secondary environment to find a way of getting in peace with something.
If there is nobody there around or your communication is not in the right level,
The following events may be the next to experience.
In this podcast I would like to walk you through the many possible reactions.
I split it in two parts for better understanding,
Otherwise it gets too long.
Try to recognize your own behavior or that of others near you and use the suggested ways to start resolving the problems.
Become an observer instead of a participant.
Try to find a neutral place in your mind and step away from all that is really bothering you.
Oh,
It is not easy.
It is really not easy.
But becoming an observer is a need,
Because being a participant can be a serious game.
A very difficult thing to do.
So let's start and see how many different ways there are and what can you expect.
I put everything in an order,
But keep in mind it is not a fixed order.
So things happened in a cycle.
Nothing happens just on its own.
And a lot of things are mixed with each other.
This is what you have to keep in mind when you listen to this.
Number one is physical complaints.
There is a clear relation between mental and physical well-being.
Those who have undergo losses are more likely to experience both minor and major illnesses.
The mind rules the body and when you do not feel good in your head,
It has a direct effect on the way you feel in your body.
When you do not feel good,
It is always a need to become active and not undergo everything completely passive.
Your first solution is to start with simple moderate physical activities and stimulations.
Do what you do most and what you do without much learning or concentration.
Be active,
But not too active.
Move with the body and the mind will follow.
Only active athletes can use more heavy exercises,
But in general it is advised to keep everything in a moderate pace.
Number two,
Denial.
Some people cope by refusing to acknowledge that change has occurred.
They may have and ignore it and it will go away philosophy.
Another way is to create an illusion,
An escape of reality.
Some scientific research predicts this behavior as a fourth stage of Elgenheim.
Persuasion of a person living in denial never works.
Time is needed to reach acceptance.
In normal cases it takes weeks to some months and in severe cases even years.
Talking about the cause of the suffering,
Such as a person or event,
May often help,
But can be a real time consuming event.
So talk,
Talk,
Talk,
Listen.
But don't react too much,
Don't act too much.
There are often no answers to the questions and if you want to give the answers you get stuck.
When you get stuck the cycle begins again.
So many things in life are open answers and keep those answers open.
Accept the openness of an answer.
Otherwise you end up with number three,
The guilt.
People may feel that they could have prevented a loss by acting in a different way.
These people end up in a never ending cycle of action and reaction thinking.
This relive same event over and over again.
They really are pulled and pushed into the same event.
The solution is to add small differences in the situation and then change the position of the guilt into acceptance or fate.
Look around how little control we have now on a person,
Local,
Event,
Regional,
Even the world situation.
We don't have any control.
Everything is dependent on other events and all come in a chain and we just have to link it.
The link can change a direction but not the event.
Guilt slowly must be replaced by acceptance or faith.
And that will take time,
Effort.
But you watch out that there is no denial and there are always physical complaints.
But keep on talking,
Keep connecting.
Because otherwise the number four stage of loneliness will come.
Isolation oneself may be the way of mourning,
The loss of familiar people and maybe even a former lifestyle.
But it could show the ability of a person on a social scale which formerly was very strong.
They may be dependent on former partners or former events like it,
Maybe even a job or a position or a religion.
With other words the dependency on the person or the other things who is gone was very,
Very high.
The most helpful way is to create a memorial,
Wear a necklace or jewellery,
Having pictures around and most of all go to events and meetings.
It's not a matter of you go there to meet other people as a first step.
But to share the loneliness,
Stories with other people will evolve.
Because they are in the same position.
The goal is to share grief and even a little,
Even in silence.
But the sharing makes the weight of the grief and the chains more bearable.
If you don't go then often there is the number five,
The sense of helplessness.
People may feel that they are at the mercy of their health problems,
Living arrangements,
Income limitations or other negative events.
This is often followed by really depressive thoughts.
Help never starts with others helping you but with the sense that you need to help yourself first.
Action is often the first step to recovery.
Start taking action depends on every situation but making things happening,
Good or wrong,
Give a sense of activity which is needed to break through the walls of helplessness.
Action is movement and increases and creates new events which will follow by other new things and that will bring chains but also it will downgrade the helplessness.
It will create activity,
It will empower you with all kinds of new and hopefully stronger things.
But try to avoid number six,
Being overly critical and suspicious behaviour.
Some people become overly critical,
Suspicious and even more paranoid.
They do not trust easily and may feel that they are constantly being taken advantage of.
The first step to a more moderate state of mind is to introduce self-trust and control.
Learn to control facts,
Delete fake news and write down what is happening.
Control facts are most important.
Sticking to the facts and put them in a logical and time order helps to get more clear pictures and power to the owner of the knowledge.
So you should think about it,
Should create trust in yourself,
In your own decision making but that is not easy.
Especially when you become very critical and some people are perfectionists who will never trust until it is perfect but nothing in life or in universe is perfect and that is the universe itself.
That is how we create it.
Nothing is perfect and you,
Whatever you do,
Have to accept it.
This is the end of part one.
I divided this lecture in two parts.
What becomes too confusing and too much information.
And when I listened back to it,
I got already dizzy.
So hey,
Listen a few times.
Don't try to understand everything at once.
It took me years.
My name is Arnoud and I will hear from you again.
