Overcoming Fear Of Failure With The Beginner's Mind

Learning something new and struggling with fear of failure or frustration? In this audio, learn how embracing the Beginner's Mind can empower your continued growth and flourishing. You'll discover the 4 stages of Competency and practical strategies to empower you to stay motivated and confident while you're learning and exploring something new.

This is the recording of the live meditators' connection circle from 21 July, which happens Friday weekly.

Transcript

My name is Wenling and I'm a mindfulness and creative cycle coach.

And every Friday we meet for the month of July to check in and to share our thoughts and connect with each other on a central theme or idea.

So last week's theme,

And even if you weren't able to join us last week's theme,

And I will upload also the recording of our conversation,

Our chat,

Just in case the theme might be something that would be interesting for you to explore as well.

You can explore that in your own time.

So last week's theme was the idea of the small things,

How very often small things in life can get overlooked.

Or this idea of that small things can seem insignificant or mundane,

But it's the small things that then add up.

And sometimes small things may seem insignificant,

But they can actually make a huge difference in your life as well as the lives of others.

This week,

I would love to build on this idea of small,

Going to this idea of the beginner's mind or starting something new.

So I want to invite you to share your ideas around this concept of the beginner's mind.

Have you heard of this concept,

The beginner's mind?

What are your initial thoughts?

What comes to mind when you think of the phrase beginner's mind,

Whether you've heard of it or whether this is the first time you've heard of it?

Feel free to share in the chat.

And this is really more of a conversation.

So the more sharings we have in the chat,

There'll be more interaction and the more we can co-create together in our circle.

Let's see,

Jennifer says,

Just shared in the chat,

Being open to learning new things.

That's very interesting.

So there's a sense of openness,

Anyone else,

And this element of learning new things.

Let's see,

Pamela just shared in the chat,

Starting fresh.

This is interesting.

Okay,

So Jennifer mentioned the feeling of this openness.

So what does openness mean to you?

How does openness surface in terms of our attitude or how would it look like in terms of behavior as compared to closeness?

Maybe we can explore this a little deeper.

And Janice has mentioned as well,

Beginner's mind takes me back to the first days of meditation.

So there are a few different things that are coming up in our circle today.

So we talk about beginner's mind.

Jennifer mentioned this idea of openness to learning new things.

And in relation to that,

Pamela has mentioned starting fresh.

So this idea of newness,

Something that is perhaps has a different tone and quality to it.

And also Janice has used a very tangible example of taking her back to the first days of meditation.

So I think this is a great segue for our friends who just joined us,

Or if you have been with us since the start and you're contemplating for yourself how to connect with this idea of the beginner's mind.

So the beginner's mind is a concept that's rooted in Buddhism.

Zen Buddhism is this idea of connecting with this idea of doing something as if you are doing it for the first time.

So you might not necessarily be doing something new.

And we can always approach the beginner's mind in any relationship,

Any situation.

But it can be helpful to connect with what it feels like to have the beginner's mind by actually revisiting a moment in time or a memory during which you were learning something new and you were really a beginner in that sense,

In that situation.

Let's see,

Verna says,

I only heard about this last week and am not too familiar with it.

Being able to accept my fears and working through them.

This is a new beginning for me.

This is really exciting.

I really believe that there are no coincidences and that everything happens for the right reason.

And if you are here,

You are meant to be here in this space,

In our circle together.

And often there are lots of resonating themes,

Ideas,

And we're all kind of thinking of the same idea.

And Verna has just mentioned this last week,

This came to mind.

I've been thinking a lot about this earlier this year,

And then a few things happened for me this week,

And it brought me back to this idea of the beginner's mind.

So let's segue into the beginner's mind by exploring something really tangible.

I want to invite you to think back to a time when you were learning something new.

This might be the first days of your meditation.

It could be the first day at work when you were starting a new job.

You just transitioned into a new role.

Or for example,

You had graduated and this was really like your first job if you've ever worked or if you're at home,

For example,

You've been taking care of someone like your kids or if you've been a caregiver for your parents or your partner.

Perhaps thinking to the first time you did something or you were learning to do something for someone else or for yourself.

What was that experience like?

Could you remember and share a little bit about that?

And it can be hard to go back to that experience,

Right?

Like for me,

The most tangible experience,

The chat remains open.

Please feel free to share.

And as I'm talking about this,

I'm also just making connections myself.

To the first time I came on Insight Timer and I was navigating the platform,

Figuring out how to go live,

What audio setting to use so that my connection would be stable,

How to stream in a horizontal frame as compared to a vertical frame and all of these different things,

As well as whether audio sharing would be possible,

What would be the best approach.

And more importantly,

Also,

For example,

Maintaining eye contact,

All these little things.

And for me,

It felt almost it felt exciting.

And at the same time,

It felt intimidating and overwhelming.

And so it's this combination of these contrasting feelings that were at odds.

And I love that Verna mentioned in the previous comment that she shared that being able to accept my fears and working through them.

How about you?

What was the last time you experienced something new,

You were learning or approaching something new?

What was that experience for you?

Can you think back to that?

Think back to that.

That might be some time ago or perhaps just today or this week or last week,

You've been exploring something new.

Feel free to share in the chat.

Verna just mentioned in the chat,

Learning how to knit.

I was horrible at first,

But I kept on doing it and got better.

Felt frustrated,

But still kept going on.

Wow.

This is very interesting as well.

You mentioned that there's this awareness that you were not competent,

Not good at it,

And even use the phrase horrible.

I like to think of myself at the beginning of doing something as really bad at it.

So bad that it's a squirming,

Inwards squirming kind of bad.

And I love that you mentioned you kept doing it and you got better.

There was a feeling of frustration and still you continue.

So this is something interesting.

Anyone else would like to share before as we continue our conversation?

And soon we'll segue into a concept that I'll introduce,

But I would love to hear from more of you in our circle if you'd like to share what it was like for you to approach something as a beginner for the first time or the first few times.

Pamela has shared in the chat,

I often find it scary or a little intimidating.

Yeah,

For sure.

Definitely.

Whenever we are trying something new at the level of the beginner,

Many of us very often have a keen sense of awareness.

And usually this feeling of fear or intimidation comes from an awareness.

So there's a framework that I would love to share with all of you today.

The chat remains open.

Please feel free to continue to share your own experiences of what it was like if you think back to the last time you tried something for the first time as a beginner,

What it was like navigating difficult emotions or challenging or uncomfortable emotions,

For example,

Of feelings or sensations that came up.

So I want to show you that if,

For example,

Right now you are transitioning to something new,

You are learning something for the first time or you are still in the first couple of months of moving from the stage of a beginner towards getting comfortable and familiar with a meditation technique,

With,

For example,

A framework at work,

With a relationship with someone else or a new relationship with yourself,

It is completely normal that there are feelings of discomfort and feelings of fear,

Feelings of frustration,

Feelings of annoyance.

And more importantly,

From this loss of confidence or this struggle,

There is also a very strong feeling of perhaps even wanting to give up,

Wanting to say,

Oh,

I stop this.

Maybe this is not really for me.

And you might try something that we don't want to move forward.

Exactly as Genesis mentioned,

As Genesis just shared,

Sometimes a new experience is so scary,

I don't want to go forward.

So there's this push-pull and it's very,

Very interesting because there are some situations in which we are not competent in something and we don't know.

So within the framework of this four level of competency,

Or actually the right name for this term,

Give me a moment as I draw up my notes from today,

It's called the conscious competence ladder.

Or the four stages of competency.

So with any skill that we learn in life,

Most of us have learned to walk.

Right.

So from being born and crawling on the ground,

Then we learn to walk.

Many of us as well have learned to be able to understand language and then later on to be able to speak,

To communicate to some degree and also to be able to write,

To share our expressions,

Our feelings to some degree as well.

So any kind of skill,

We go through this four stages of competency.

And the first stage is actually being unconsciously unskilled.

So we don't know that we don't have the skill and we don't know that we need to learn this.

And this might happen even later on in life.

For example,

You might be in a relationship with someone and you keep experiencing some challenges and there's actually a skill that is inherent that might be beneficial for you to learn.

But you don't know that that is something that will help the relationship or you don't know that that is an unmet need.

Same thing in your creative projects or if you work at work,

Perhaps with your colleagues or in a specific project that is a specific kind of skill or a specific kind of tool that if you learned how to use it,

It would really change and transform the competency at which maybe you write reports or at which you create something.

So you're not aware of this wonderful skill or technique,

And therefore you don't know that there is a need for you to learn it.

Then most of us,

With regards to some kind of technique or experience,

We move on to the second level,

Which is we become consciously unskilled.

So perhaps you have the intention,

You say,

I want to learn meditation.

So you decide and you say,

OK,

I'm going to learn this new technique,

Maybe a loving kindness meditation,

Because I have been having difficult feelings with regards to a person I really care for and I would like to send loving kindness to them.

But we are estranged or maybe we have this challenging relationship that is push-pull.

So I would like to learn this.

But at the same time,

When you're learning this technique at the beginning,

All of these frustrating emotions come up.

You feel afraid.

It feels difficult.

You wonder if you will ever succeed.

Other people seem to be able to do it flawlessly or seamlessly,

Or it seems as if it will take you a really long time and you're not quite sure whether that will ever be worth your time or if you will ever have that competency to actually do it.

So I want to say that what comes up for you in this moment is really,

Really interesting.

And rather than whether or not you decide to move forward with this skill or with this hobby or task or whatever it is you are exploring in your life right now,

It doesn't really matter.

But what matters is actually to investigate and to be curious about these feelings.

I love that Zing Zing has just shared in the chat,

There is no success or failure in meditation.

Keep showing up.

Now,

In relation to keep showing up,

Later on I will share a concept some of you have already heard about it because I talk about it very,

Very often.

And there's also a recorded audio about it.

But yes,

Essentially,

Practice or repetition is the mother of skill.

Almost everything in life is a skill rather than something that is,

Yes,

That is talent.

So we cannot discount the role of talent in life.

Some people are naturally more talented in certain areas of their life than other people.

And we also cannot discount the role of genetics.

Michael Phelps,

For example,

You might be familiar with him as a champion swimmer.

He is so tall and his feet are really big and his toes are also,

They are almost like webbed toes.

So it's as if he was designed or has all the prerequisites for what might be a champion swimmer.

But the point is here to today when we're discussing this idea of the beginner's mind is we come back to this idea that we release this social comparison and we return to this idea of like,

If I am to compare,

If I am to want to grow and to want to embrace this discomfort,

What is important is that I look back on where I was from before.

And more importantly,

That the practice itself must be something worthwhile and valuable for me.

And I truly believe that in the practice of reflecting on these emotions,

It highlights some underlying beliefs that we have.

Let's explore some of these things.

What makes us afraid?

What are we afraid of when we are trying something new?

Why is it scary or why is it intimidating?

Can anyone share why they find something scary or intimidating?

And also,

If you are trying something new and you find it frustrating,

Why is it frustrating?

What about it frustrates you?

Jamie has just shared in the chat,

Worry of failure.

Yeah,

This is really,

Really.

Very pertinent,

And I think this is at the center of a lot of our experience or what we've been told or conditioned.

You'll be welcome.

Great to have you here.

You'll be just chat.

This is my first time with you.

And when I joined,

You were talking about repeated patterns in a relationship.

Welcome in our circle today.

The theme is this idea of the beginner's mind and the beginner's mind is this idea of how to approach a given situation.

Approach a given situation or relationship or interaction with fresh.

Eyes,

A fresh pair of eyes,

As if you have this openness and like you're seeing things in a new light,

As if you're seeing things always for the first time.

And now we're exploring a little bit about this idea of how we can recreate or revisit this beginner's mind feeling by returning to memories or actual experiences of trying something for the first time and the associated feelings that we have with it.

Let's see,

Verna has chat in the chat,

Failure,

Not being good enough,

Feeling stupid.

Yeah,

For sure.

Ubi has mentioned,

I think we resist change and any new thing scares us.

And Janice just shared in the chat,

Feeling like I'll never get it.

OK,

These are all valid and all real.

I wanted to share also this idea that we are creatures of habit.

And there's a wonderful book that is called The Path of Least Resistance.

And just like electricity,

Just like water that flows,

Humans and scientific research has shown that we follow the path of least resistance.

And what determines the path of least resistance in our lives?

Is the underlying riverbeds that are in place.

And for us,

For our lives,

These are the structures that are in place.

For example,

The networks we grew up in,

The influences around us,

Like our families,

Our friends,

Our social circles,

The interactions we had at work,

For example.

This is where we also learned ideas about what is possible that we can do and what we cannot do.

This is also where we learned identity,

This idea of who we are,

What we're good at,

What we will never be able to get.

And a lot of this is learned behaviours or beliefs that we inherited from these structures,

From these external sources that are not necessarily true.

I also want to leave you with this idea that we are anti-fragile,

Meaning that within every single one of us,

Without comparing,

Again,

Going to this idea of leasing social comparison,

If you were to compare with your old self,

Maybe one year ago,

Five years ago,

Ten years ago,

We are all anti-fragile,

Meaning that we have the capacity to learn and to grow.

And this capacity,

To some degree,

Is actually quite exponential.

So with this learning and this growth and with this repetition,

It brings us the potential to move beyond where we are and who we are currently right now.

It looks like we have a few more friends joining us.

Welcome.

We are having an open chat about the idea of beginner's mind and the difficult feelings around transitioning from the stage of being incompetent,

Consciously incompetent,

And moving towards the next stage of being consciously competent at something.

So no guesses as to,

I mean,

A better question would be,

Are there any guesses as to what is the key to moving from being unconsciously incompetent?

It means you know that you're trying something,

You're learning something new and you're really bad at it,

Or you're just not as good as how you would like to be.

And you would like to move to the phase where you are good at something and you know that you're good at it.

Any tips or any ideas?

What can you think to a time where you were trying something new and then you move to a stage where you became actually really good at something and you realise that,

Oh,

I'm really good at this thing right now.

What was the tip or what was the key that led you to becoming competent?

Let's share in the chat your experience.

And the more specific you are,

The better.

And we can have a range of different examples.

I will share my own,

But I would love to hear from all of you.

What was your own experience from moving through this ladder,

From being unaware that you're not good at something and then realising that you're aware that you're not good at something?

And then now we're transitioning,

We're taking the second step to the third step,

Which is wanting to move from being aware that you're not good at something to becoming aware and being proficient at something.

So just now,

I mean,

Jingjing has already shared in the chat,

There's no success or failure,

Keep showing up.

Verna has mentioned keep doing it,

Definitely.

And just now I also mentioned in the chat,

Repetition is the mother of skill.

So repetition is definitely number one.

We have to keep showing up and to keep practising it.

Janice has mentioned practising,

Just keep at it and take risks.

Okay,

Very nice.

This is a good one.

Janice,

Can you share a little bit about this idea of taking risks?

What does that mean to you?

And if anyone else can relate to this,

Let me know,

Share with me and share with the rest of us.

Let's see,

She's just shared,

Realising that failure is part of the path to success.

So in the back of our minds,

There is this idea of failure.

Failure is not being able to do something successfully.

Usually failure in any given circumstance,

Let's say today I'm here on Insight Timer.

Maybe my definition of failure is determined by the number of people who show up.

But there are many things that are outside of my control that I cannot influence to decide or to help to determine how many people will show up.

So the metric by which we determine success and failure is also really important.

Let's see,

Yubi has shared in the chat,

Willingness to learn,

Keeping an open mind makes me less rigid.

This is really,

Really beautiful.

Please share with us,

Yubi,

What does an open mind mean to you?

How can we keep an open mind?

I want to go back also,

As you keep sharing in the chat,

I want to go back to this idea of failure and success.

The main reason why we struggle with feelings of being dejected,

Not trusting ourselves,

Is because we see things in a short term.

And in this short term basis,

For example,

Today,

Oh,

I only have 32 meditators today.

I was hoping for,

Let's say,

60.

If I took that as my metric of failure or success,

I would have failed.

And also if I was only intending to do this just today,

Then of course I would have failed.

But instead,

If we look at failure and success using other metrics that are within our control,

Like choosing to know,

To determine how I want to feel as I am trying this thing new,

Or,

For example,

Choosing to learn something about myself,

Maybe my determination for what is success versus failure is not being competent at this thing itself,

But getting comfortable with what is uncomfortable,

Or seeking to understand myself better,

Seeking to understand what self-limiting beliefs are holding me back from moving to the next stage,

Then that would transform the definition of success or failure completely.

Furthermore,

If we expand the horizon of success and failure,

Now,

Many of you have been coming to my lives.

I talk a lot and I've been thinking a lot about compounding recently,

And I've just recorded an audio about compounding that will be released very soon.

So it's this idea of if we show up consistently over a long period of time,

And in a moment I will also talk about meta-practice,

Which is practicing your practice.

And if we take measured and intentional steps to always refine,

Always reflect,

And always do small tweaks so that every single practice we add a small degree of improvement.

This improvement doesn't have to show outwardly in the world.

It could be something that you realize in your mind about yourself.

I'll give you an example.

Like today,

I've been practicing rowing for just under,

I think,

A month now.

It's been about eight sessions that I've tried rowing,

And rowing is something completely new to me.

I also have a very peculiar relationship with water.

I'm slightly afraid of the water and it gives me a bit of a fear to be on top of the water,

In the water,

Because I'm not a very confident swimmer.

And each time that I go into the boat,

All the things about setting up the boat,

Putting the oars correctly,

Understanding how to row,

Which is done backwards,

Avoiding people on the river,

It puts me in so much fear and stress.

And at the same time,

It really excites me because every single time is an opportunity for me to reflect back,

To notice how I felt during that session,

What beliefs I had about what I could or could not do,

As well as what feelings of maybe embarrassment or guilt or fear came up for me and how I responded in those moments to myself when I noticed those feelings.

I would love to share the few more shares that came up in the chat.

Yubi mentioned,

Usually along with learning something,

I've preset conditions that things must happen at this time,

Within this time,

Or just this and nothing else.

I've noticed that often changing my perspective about something and just being a little flexible about the timelines of the exact goals really helps.

That's definitely true.

Yeah,

I love that.

And I'm going to build on that in a moment with this idea of learning-based goals versus this very tangible achievement-based goals.

So Janice has mentioned,

My family allows days my poetry is wonderful.

Then I took the risk of writing poems,

Really without thoughtfulness,

Thinking of my family's acceptance.

The experience bombed,

But I learned the importance of doing my best and being thoughtful.

OK,

So this is the other thing.

When we do something for a specific audience,

It is an experiment every single time and we won't know how the outcome will be.

We can choose to say that this is an experiment.

This is how I actually chose to frame this series of our Friday conversations or interactions,

Because I didn't know how it would go,

Whether it would resonate,

If anyone would even be here to connect and to reflect together.

And even if this is even creating value,

I don't know.

This is merely an idea in my head.

When I conceive of this idea,

I thought how wonderful it would be if every Friday there was a space and time where we could connect and discuss and come together and explore our own experiences around a central theme,

Around an idea that then we can,

In our own time,

Continue to explore and mull over and arrive at our own insights and conclusions,

Because there are no right and wrong answers.

And what we all take out of our interaction today will be quite different.

But I think we can all relate to this idea of fear of failure,

Of embracing this beginner's mind,

Of exploring how to redefine our goals.

So I talked a little bit about this idea of practice,

And I want to briefly mention the concept of metapractice.

And now I will share the name of this talk that is on my profile that you can go ahead and listen to if you are new to this concept.

So practice is very essential,

Setting aside the time and the dedicated space and some controlled conditions as well.

Yubi mentioned,

If we are learning too many new things at the same time and there's nothing familiar,

There's nothing that we're competent and that can give us a sense of comfort and confidence and build this sense of strong self-worth,

Then it will be very,

Very hard.

So,

Of course,

I recommend and I think it is very,

Very helpful to learn things that are new.

You want to step outside of your comfort zone,

But only in specific areas.

So choosing to explore something new in a certain domain and then having other domains that are familiar,

That are something you have already known,

That is tried and tested,

That will give a sense of overall stability,

Overall comfort and overall sense of like,

Yes,

I know that I'm going through something new here,

But my sense of who I am,

What I'm able to do in the world,

I'm confident in that.

So that's the first thing.

The second thing is we don't just show up to practice.

So every single week,

When we or every single day,

If you meditate,

For example,

Aside from setting aside the time to meditate,

What's very important is to reflect on the practice itself and ask yourself,

Was there anything that I learned that was new from the circumstances today?

So,

For example,

Perhaps in your meditation today,

You notice that because you didn't sleep well the night before and you seem to be more distracted than usual.

So that's one very important insight,

That it would be important for you the night before to make sure that you have sufficient sleep.

So that's one small thing that already you can take action on,

That you can refine and then implement and iterate so that the next round,

The next day you sleep early and then in the moment you remove that possible distraction or that possible thing that might stop you from achieving or realising or allowing a so-called successful or more fruitful outcome to surface.

Now,

We can only control things that are within our control and there are lots of things outside of our control.

So it's very important to realise what is inside of our control and do the best we can to become aware of these things.

The same thing with our feelings.

I also really don't like doing things that I'm not good at,

But I've become more and more convinced that this is the thing I should be doing,

That this is the thing we should be doing.

Doing the things that we are afraid of,

Doing the things that we feel that we're really bad at or that we think like,

Well,

That's not the kind of thing that I would do.

I'm not that kind of person.

Well,

Then the question is,

What kind of person are you?

And then reflect on that.

That will reveal lots of beliefs that you have about who you are,

What you can or cannot do.

And then we can trace even further back to who told you this?

Who was the one who gave you this idea that you can do this thing or you cannot do this thing or that you are this kind of person,

Like an artistic person,

A logical person,

A caring person,

A giving person,

So on and so forth.

We inherit so many of these from our surroundings,

From these underlying structures and riverbeds that have been formed from before,

But we still have the control to continue to shape these riverbeds so that we can choose the path of least resistance for us moving forward.

Let's see,

Yubi has mentioned in the chat,

I have two questions.

I start something new with great enthusiasm,

For example,

Basic 10 minutes yoga.

But my biggest challenge is keeping consistency.

I start and then I stop.

Then I feel bad about that and I label myself as inconsistent.

This is a great question or great example.

And I find that it depends from person to person,

But already there are two layers.

So the first thing is that you are aware that you start and you stop.

Now,

Starting and stopping may not necessarily mean that you're not consistent.

There are many possible reasons why we start and stop.

And I think it would go back to the idea of what is your intention behind practicing this 10 minutes yoga?

And my husband,

Who is a management consultant,

We often discuss and talk about these things.

And there's a concept that he talks about,

Which is called feedback loops,

Which is also another important thing.

Every single time we do something.

There's a possibility to create a feedback loop.

So before we do something,

It's very important to have a clear intention.

Why am I doing this?

I'll give you an example.

So I started rowing because I was fascinated with the concept of rowing.

And I think it's a great way of understanding flow,

Both in a physical sense within the body,

As well as a metaphorical sense.

I often am able to receive insights from the world about something that's not necessarily related to this specific thing.

But I then make connections with something completely different,

Like rowing and flowing with life itself and manifesting,

For example,

Or creating something new.

And so for me,

The intention behind rowing is to fully understand and embody the process of flow.

However,

In the same club where I recently joined,

I met Enrico,

Who is another rower.

He does golf.

He's in his 50s.

His intention behind rowing is for a workout.

He would like to.

It's a great way for him to connect to nature,

To get a workout.

And so our intentions are very,

Very different.

And therefore,

When we row,

Before we row,

During the row and after the row,

What we think about,

What we care about will be very,

Very different.

The metrics in work usually are called KPIs,

The key performance indicators that we look at,

Will be really different depending on your intention.

So before you even embark on something,

Clarify your intention.

And if you don't know,

It doesn't have to be super tangible.

It could be simply a feeling.

Like,

Oh,

I want to feel this way.

Maybe I want to feel in flow when I'm rowing.

Then for me,

The reminder would be that every time I practice this rowing,

Even if I'm not in flow,

I remind myself that I want to feel in flow.

And actually I have certain things I can control.

For example,

My feelings.

I can notice feelings of frustration and then I can choose to say,

Oh,

I realize I'm frustrated.

I calm myself down and I ask myself,

Why am I frustrated?

And no one is creating this frustration.

I'm creating it myself.

I can say,

OK,

What if I let go of my preconceived notions that I should be like this?

And usually this is the cause of frustration,

The cause of fear,

The cause of any kind of discomfort.

These preconceived notions,

These shoots in our head,

Like,

Oh,

I should be a disciplined person.

In this case,

UB's second portion of what UB has just shared,

That I then feel bad and I label myself as inconsistent.

Usually a lot of the feelings that are bad that we struggle with aren't actually caused by the actual event or the actual trigger.

It's these stories that we tell ourselves.

It's this extra layer that we layer on that's caused in the mind.

And if we can firstly notice this,

Oh,

I notice I'm feeling guilty.

Why?

What makes me feel guilty?

I wonder why.

And rather than saying,

Oh,

I'm feeling guilty.

I don't think I should feel guilty.

And then you feel guilty about feeling guilty,

For example,

Or noticing that you think that you should be consistent.

Where did this idea come from?

What if it didn't matter if you were consistent or not?

What if there were some other possibilities of the ways you could be?

Now,

Going back to this idea of consistency,

Of course,

UB,

I want to answer your question and I'm an accountability coach.

So this is something I'm very passionate about.

The best way of being consistent and motivating yourself,

Like,

This is what I'm going to do.

This is also one thing I want to leave you with,

This idea of how can we work with ourselves rather than against ourselves?

And a very important thing is to understand your nature.

What is my nature?

I'll give you an example.

I notice I like to move fast.

I like to learn quickly and I get frustrated when I don't learn quickly.

I need to feel like I've made progress,

That that motivates me and it keeps me going on.

If that is you,

You feel like you need to have some kind of tangible sense of,

Oh,

I feel like I'm growing.

Or you need,

For example,

Maybe you need affirmation,

You need encouragement.

So only you know what you need.

And this is very,

Very important for you to understand your nature rather than resisting and saying,

Oh,

I shouldn't be like this.

And I should be like this other person who is already very consistent or who doesn't need affirmation or who doesn't need to learn fast or to grow fast.

What if we could embrace and say,

I understand this is my nature.

I choose to work with my nature and I say,

Yeah,

It's OK.

It's OK that I need and I want this.

How can I work with myself?

And so in this case,

For example,

For you,

For anyone who wants to retain a sense of consistency,

What is very helpful is this idea of small and fast feedback loops.

How can you do something and very quickly receive feedback from this particular situation and know if you've made progress or not?

So every single time after finishing a rowing session,

I spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking,

How did this session go?

If I reflect and only focus on the outcomes,

Like the tangible,

Physical aspects that people observe from the outside,

Then I will forever be a failure and I will never continue.

Because I did not successfully put the oars in the right place.

My boat almost crashed into other people's boats.

I was not able to,

For example,

You turn the boat swiftly and properly and I almost crashed as well into the bridge.

Like there are so many metrics that I would have failed.

But instead,

If I looked at the internal metrics and then I reflected on how I felt today,

Whether I was well rested and that affected how I showed up,

Whether I was distracted during the rowing by other things,

What created,

What might have been the sources of pressure or distraction for me?

And if I'm able to answer these questions,

Which I did today by a process of reflection,

Then I've received so many new insights that then I can implement and then I can continue to work on in the next round,

In the next iteration.

And this process is called meta practice.

It is practicing your practice.

We don't just show up to do the practice.

That is,

Yes,

Very,

Very important,

Being consistent.

But the second portion is even more important.

If we don't sit down and reflect,

Why am I meditating?

Some of us meditate because we want a sense of clarity in our lives.

Others meditate because we are,

For example,

Really stressed.

And we just want a feeling of calm.

Other people meditate because they want to feel connected with the divine.

So all really different.

So only you know what is the reason behind why you want to do something and let that reason be the reason that drives you to doing this action and creating the right kind of behaviors,

The right kind of habits,

The right kind of actions that then feed you,

That continue to allow and work with yourself,

Work with your true nature.

I would love to hear from you because I didn't intend for this to become a lecture or talk.

So I would love to hear from you what's coming up for you right now.

And we are a little bit beyond time.

Today's conversation has been really good and rich.

Please share with me what's coming up for you right now.

Your thoughts,

Feelings around metapractice,

Around this idea of beginner's mind,

Around,

For example,

Consistency,

Around maybe,

For example,

Working with yourself rather than resisting your nature.

Please share in the chat.

Let me know what you're thinking and we will wrap up in a bit.

Janice has just shared in the chat,

I want to be kinder with myself.

Practice my practice.

That's really beautiful.

The chat remains open.

I wanted to also answer Yubi's question a little bit more directly.

Perhaps since Yubi has been so generous and kind to share this example.

So let's say we wanted to practice 10 minutes of yoga.

Then the question,

And we've been so-called inconsistent.

The question I would ask myself is,

Why do I want to practice this 10 minute yoga?

What am I hoping it will do for me?

Maybe I have lower back pain and I'm hoping that it will give some relief for lower back pain.

Or perhaps I am thinking that this yoga will improve my meditation practice.

Or for whatever reason.

The first step is to clarify and to get clear.

And then the second way is to structure your practice so that it actually feeds.

And it actually creates this loop that helps you move closer to the kind of benefits,

The kind of learning and the kind of growth and outcome that you would like to have.

Verna has shared in the chat,

I want to overcome my fears,

Facing my fears.

Yeah,

For sure.

And I think someone mentioned from before,

Taking this calculated risk is necessary.

But also,

We don't want to go all the way and we don't want to do this in all domains of our life.

That would be too overwhelming.

So starting small,

Maybe starting with something in just one area of your life.

And then you can actually do it in a lot of different areas.

We have two Genesis today.

Genesis mentioned,

The thought of beginner's mind in and of itself is something I think is helpful to remember.

I often get trapped in reaction.

Also asking where a feeling of fear came from to understand if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

And then I think that's a good way to start.

So I think that's a good way to start.

And then the last one is to be open to the world.

Asking where a feeling of fear came from to understand it better.

Yeah,

That's so beautiful.

Thank you for sharing that.

Let's see.

I'm just thinking if feeling into if anything else is coming up.

Also,

Because this is a big topic and now we are also kind of moving along to some other topics.

So before we wrap up our circle today,

Again,

The conversation continues.

And I feel like also that over the next couple of weeks,

Next week we are on at the same time.

So next week,

You're welcome to join us in our meditator circle as we discuss deep,

Big ideas that sometimes can start small.

And we reflect on what this means for you.

So today we started off this idea of the beginner's mind.

And how we can approach maybe even a situation or something that is very familiar to us.

And yet have that perspective of seeing it as if it were new.

As if it is the first time.

And what if we didn't have preconceived notions?

What if there are no shoots?

How would that look and feel like with ourselves,

With others,

With the world?

Now that itself is a really big practice.

And maybe you start small with something really,

Really small.

And then we dive into this idea of how we can use our memories and go back to the last time we tried something for the first time.

To remember what it is like to be a beginner.

And it can be challenging,

It can be daunting,

It can be uncomfortable.

For example,

Today during RUING,

I was squirming inwardly so many times.

I felt so embarrassed.

I felt like quitting so much.

And yet at the end of the practice today,

I feel so excited to continue.

Because I know I have so much room for growth.

And I know I learned so much more about myself through this process of reflection and through metapractice,

Which is practicing your practice.

So every single circumstance that looks like on the outside to other people,

If you measure success and failure by achievement,

Which is what we do a lot in the world.

If we do that,

Then very often we will be deemed a failure.

But there are two kinds of goals.

And perhaps I will wrap up with this and then I will share the resources.

I forgot to mention this.

There are two kinds of goals.

If we are doing something and we've done it before,

We have a good idea of the processes that are in place and how long it will take for us to do them as well as our competency,

How good we are at it.

Chances are,

Since we've done it before for a certain amount of time,

We have some kind of familiarity.

Maybe riding a bicycle,

Writing a report,

Going live on Insight Timer if you are a teacher.

If you've done this before,

Then it makes sense to say,

I measure some metrics that are within my control.

For example,

How fast I spoke,

How calm I was,

Whether I prepared the script,

Whether I was able to respond to people well.

All these things are under your control.

Things outside of your control might be how many people show up,

How engaged they are,

How well they connect with the theme.

Lots of things are outside of our control.

We can only control what we know and what is in our control.

And for everything outside of control,

We can only say,

I really let go.

It wasn't ideal.

This is reality.

And we don't argue with reality.

We choose to allow and say,

Oh,

This is what it was.

There's no good or bad.

And then on the other hand,

For learning-based goals,

Which is what we talked a lot about today,

If we apply this achievement outcomes-based goals,

Metrics on this learning-based goals,

Then it will really discourage learning.

And because when we're learning something for the first time,

Chances are we don't know how long it will take for us to become competent.

We don't know the actual steps necessary for us to go through the entire process.

We don't know what we need to learn in order to become competent at this.

So I'll give you an example in rowing as well.

I didn't realize that,

For example,

Being able to balance in the boat and having equal strength with both arms,

It didn't occur to me that it would be really important.

Same with my legs.

I noticed one leg and one arm was so much more dominant than the other,

And this was affecting my strokes.

It never occurred to me until I started to row that,

Oh,

Actually,

This is kind of a micro-skill of this bigger skill that then I need to learn.

So in every big skill,

Just like every task,

However daunting,

If we break it down to micro-skills and we seek to understand,

Oh,

I have to learn this first so that then I can move to the next step and this will help me.

And we be patient with ourselves and we say,

We're learning.

I don't know how long this will take.

Someone else took three months.

And today I spoke with the instructor,

For example,

I asked him very honestly,

I said,

How long will it take for me to become more comfortable with the water and more competent?

He said,

Oh,

Maybe three months.

And then someone else,

Another student came down and he said,

Oh,

It's nine months.

Don't believe the instructor.

So for all of us,

It's different in every single realm,

Whatever skill we are attempting to learn,

It will differ.

And the point is not to compare against others,

Even though it does help to sometimes have a benchmark and say,

Okay,

The range is between three months to nine months.

So if you're at two months,

Then you can remind yourself,

Okay,

I'll be patient.

I will just continue showing up.

But the most important thing is that we create this feedback loops.

We be kind with ourselves and we notice what is our nature?

Why am I struggling with in this process?

Am I afraid?

Why am I afraid of failure?

Where did I inherit this from?

Why does not being able to do this make me feel unworthy?

There are many other realms in which I'm competent or I'm confident or I'm familiar.

Just because I didn't not able to do this well because I just started doesn't mean that I'm a failure.

It doesn't mean I am not worthy.

So this is really,

Really important.

And then creating these feedback loops,

This idea of taking conscious time to sit down and reflect and say,

Oh,

I felt this way.

That was not comfortable.

Why does this make me feel uncomfortable?

What are some other possible ways I might have responded instead of feeling afraid?

Maybe I might have laughed at myself and said,

Oh,

I was such a klutz,

Rather than feeling frustrated and stressed and embarrassed.

That might be another possible response that I might reflect on and perhaps I might be able to choose to respond in that way instead next time.

So that's a very important part of learning-based goals,

Which is like taking the goals and choosing to let them be internal and reflecting on this inwards learning spiral that we move.

And once we get a sense of this full learning curve and all the steps that are involved and you understand,

Okay,

This follows this and this follows that,

Then that's when we start to realize we become consciously competent at something.

And there's one last step,

Actually,

That I didn't yet mention,

That from this conscious competence,

We can actually move towards unconscious competence.

For the rest of today,

I want to invite you to reflect on something that actually you're really good at,

That you forgot that you're good at,

That at one point of time,

Perhaps you were really bad at.

Is there something that was like this?

I'll give you an example.

I was not comfortable being live and my eyes would dart around.

And I would,

For example,

Feel really embarrassed.

I didn't know how to interact and it felt very,

Very awkward to be sharing in a circle.

I didn't feel really connected when I was coming live.

And I realized that all the so-called failures that I had from before,

From going live from pre-pandemic until now,

Led to this feeling of comfort and led to this feeling of so-called competency that I have now that I almost take for granted.

Now,

The same probably applies to you.

There's something that you've started from scratch,

Ground zero,

And then you move through all the four stages of not being aware that you're not good at it,

Being aware that you're not good at it,

Being aware that you're good at it,

The sweet spot.

And then it blends into the background and we all forget that that was the process.

But we all move through these stages and these steps of this competency ladder and this awareness ladder.

So I want to invite you to reflect on that for the rest of today.

Can you remember and go back to that feeling?

And then the next time you're trying something for new and you're feeling afraid,

You're feeling awkward or embarrassed like me,

Or stressed or frustrated,

Remind yourself and think back to something else that maybe you were doing for the first time that now you've become really good at,

Maybe confident and even proud of,

And remind yourself that that can be the same.

It is the same.

So thank you so much,

Everyone.

Please share if you have any thoughts,

Comments,

Leaving remarks as we close the circle.

I will share,

Of course,

The names of the resources that will be helpful for you.

So I mentioned Metta Practice and that is recorded as an audio on my profile.

So the name of the audio is called Supercharge Your Growth with Metta Practice.

Jamie,

Yes.

So today's session,

I will record this and I realized that this has been actually creating value.

So I will record today's session,

Just the audio,

And then I will upload it later on.

And I know we talked about a lot of these things.

So if anything else comes up within today that you want to dive deeper into,

It's our circle,

Right?

And we co-create this together.

This is my dream that we co-create.

And it is as much a conversation as much as I'm sharing what's going on for me,

What's resonating for you.

And then we discuss.

It's a to and fro.

So the more you give me and the more I give you and the more we have this to and fro,

The more we can expand.

And this is called the network effect.

The more of us that contribute,

The more value that it has for every single person that is within this circle.

And I am dreaming of this network effect.

So if you joined us today and you are mulling over something,

You're exploring this idea or concept,

And you want to continue to discuss it in our next week,

Write it down.

Let me know.

Send me a message.

Connect with me on Insight Timer or Instagram or wherever.

So on Insight Timer,

You can connect with me through our circle,

Which is called Flow with Wenling.

And next week,

We are back on for this weekly chat and reflection about a general theme.

Again,

Probably a theme will come up and we can also always continue the conversation that we had this week,

Depending on what is coming up for you.

Let me know.

And we can discuss and we can always chat.

It's very,

Very interesting.

Let's see.

Okay.

Let's see if there's anything else I would like to share before we wrap up.

Just want to make sure I did not miss anything.

Yes.

So last week's live will also be uploaded on Insight Timer.

At a later time,

What we discussed and talked about this idea of the small things,

How small things can seem insignificant and at the same time,

It can compound and make a huge difference.

And then this week,

We are talking about the beginner's mind and we segue kind of into other things about this Conscious Confidence Letter about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings of being a beginner that we all have.

To be honest,

I think we all have them and how we can continue to encourage ourselves to be kind with ourselves and to move into this,

I would say,

Strategy of allowing and working with ourselves rather than arguing with ourselves,

Rather than resisting or saying that we should act this way.

So I will do my best to record this audio and upload this as soon as possible.

If any ideas come to you,

If you are working on anything,

Going through anything in your mind,

You find that really fascinating or interesting,

Let's keep the conversation going.

Share it in the chat,

Continue this conversation with me.

I want to thank you for being here with me,

Whether you joined us from the start or whether you joined us halfway,

Whatever you were able to take and share from this circle,

I really,

Really appreciate that.

And just your presence itself,

Thank you for being here.

I really believe that there are no coincidences if you chose to be here.

It is for a reason.

And I also want to thank Insight Timer.

Thank you for being the glue that holds us together,

For making this possible.

Without you,

None of this would be possible.

So thank you so much,

Insight Timer,

Creators and team.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you,

Jamie,

For your donation and support.

Pamela,

You're very,

Very welcome.

I'm very glad this left lots of food for thought.

I left today's session from rowing actually feeling so deflated,

But at the same time,

So excited because there's so much to reflect on and explore.

But I'm sure more insights will come up for me over the next few days and probably over the next few sessions as I continue to practice and practice my meta practice.

So I'm looking forward to seeing you next week at the same time.

So our start time is one hour before right now.

Join us next week.

And on Tuesday,

We have Tuesday Tribe,

Which is our action taking community.

If there's something you want to take action on that you've been afraid of doing,

Join us on Tuesdays.

Also,

Same time,

One hour right before the start time.

And this weekend,

We have something special.

If you like to practice some moving meditation,

Some yoga nidra,

Join us on Sunday.

Also,

The same time,

One hour before the start time for Qigong yoga nidra.

Thank you so much,

Everyone.

I appreciate your time,

Your presence.

Thank you for making this possible and see you soon.