Manifest The Power Of The Small For Joy & Growth

In this recording from a Live InsightTimer circle, discover how some of your small and seemingly insignificant actions can have profound impacts on your life and the lives of those you love. Discover the power of small and how compounding over a long time horizon can help you manifest boundless joy and growth.

Transcript

My name is Wenling,

I'm a Creative Psycho and Mindfulness Coach.

And my motivation and my inspiration behind these connection circles was I always wanted to have a space where I could connect with other curious humans around the world and we could co-create and share around a central theme and idea.

And I used to do this very often with a small circle of my friends.

So I thought,

Why not bring this to Insight Timer and see how this might then snowball or unfold.

And so that is the seed that then became what is our Friday Connection Circles.

So the last couple of weeks,

We've been exploring various different themes.

Even if you didn't join us,

No worries.

Every single week,

It's a new theme.

At the beginning,

Usually I would reference some of the themes from earlier on,

If that might be of interest to you.

And depending on the response,

Sometimes if there's a lot of resonance within the group and what we co-create and what we share in the chat becomes really rich and valuable,

Then the audio from that session will be recorded and posted on my profile.

So last couple of weeks,

One session,

We explored the idea of the small things in life and how sometimes what is small may seem insignificant.

But in reality,

With this idea of small,

Over a consistent amount of time,

It has this effect of compounding,

Just like interest and just like setting up new habits.

It could be something really small,

But over a long period of time,

This time frame or this time horizon,

It starts to show significant results.

And so in our circle during that week,

We shared a lot about how there are the small ways that we connect with everyone,

We show up for ourselves,

The small things that we may take for granted that other people do for us as well.

So that's what we shared during that session.

And then in another one of the sessions,

We talked about this idea of the beginner's mind and how the beginner's mind is this idea of being able to come back to that blank slate with a fresh pair of eyes,

As if you are seeing something for the first time,

As if you are in this relationship with someone else,

With yourself,

As if it is the very first time.

And over time,

It can be difficult because we tend to build up these preconceived notions,

These social norms that we adopt and we inherit from our families,

From our social structures,

So on and so forth.

So the beginner's mind is something that's really,

Really powerful and potent.

And we also explored a little bit of that in our Qigong Yoga Nidra Circle in the week from before.

So today,

Welcome Suzanne,

Good to see you.

It looks like we have a wider circle now.

Welcome everyone to our Meditators Connection Circle.

Take the next couple of moments and make sure that you are comfortable.

For the next 25 minutes or so,

We will be discussing and chatting around a central theme.

This is a circle,

Meaning it is not a talk.

A talk would be,

I would be sharing information or specific points or frameworks,

And you would be mainly listening and sometimes asking questions.

A circle is the opportunity to be heard and to co-create.

So at any point of time,

Remembering that you came here for yourself and whatever you want to share to any extent,

All of it is welcome.

But you came here for yourself.

Whatever intention or breadcrumb trail brought you here,

Connecting with that intention.

And later on,

The chat will always remain open.

If you want to share your personal experiences,

If you have some insights,

If you have some questions that you want to share with the group,

That's always very welcome.

And it's like a to and fro.

You give and I give and we all give.

And the more we give and communicate,

The more there is and this richness starts to snowball.

And I like to think of it as a network effect.

Very much like things like WhatsApp.

The more users there are,

The more people will use this service.

And it becomes more rich and valuable for everyone.

And the same here in our circle today.

For our circle today,

The idea and the theme,

Actually,

It comes back to this idea of networks.

And I've been thinking a lot about this idea of how.

.

.

Okay,

Let's draw it back a little bit further.

So I've been working on this Insight Timer course called The Water Way.

And some of you may know that I have an Insight Timer course that is called The Power of the Creative Cycle.

And how this relates to the five elements that is drawn from traditional Chinese medicine philosophy.

And how these five elements and this creative cycle underpins all the processes in the world.

Including the menstrual cycle,

The moon cycle,

The seasons,

The product cycle for those of you who work in technology and product as well.

So all of these things,

Including also how you create.

And Mitch Resnick from the MIT Learning Lab calls it the creative learning spiral that children follow.

It's also a pattern and a process.

So from that creative cycle,

There is an element,

Which is the water element.

And I've been really connecting very deeply with the water element recently.

And thinking about my relationship with water,

How to embody flow and what it means to be in flow.

And one of the chapters within this upcoming course on Insight Timer is called The Path of Least Resistance.

So the idea behind the path of least resistance is the idea that water flows following the path of least resistance.

Just like electric currents,

It takes the path that causes the least amount of striving,

Least amount of unnecessary effort.

And actually in a very similar way,

We too,

Humans,

We too take the path of least resistance.

This is why we start to build up heuristics in our mind.

And this is why we start to build frameworks and start structures.

And we sometimes have assumptions that we make about other people that we project based on our past memories of similar people,

Or similar cultures,

Or similar situations and environments.

And in that sense,

We also take the path of least resistance.

But beyond that,

I want to broaden our discussion to the idea that actually the path of least resistance is something that actually we can change.

So in his work,

There's an angel investor,

And also a five times founder and creator who's called James Currier.

He has been researching this idea of network effects and how our lives follow the path of least resistance.

And what shapes this path of least resistance is the underlying structures in our lives.

So if you think of the start of your life from the beginning,

And then until where you are now,

So the discourse of the flowing of the river,

It seems like many of the decisions were made on our own,

Right?

Like we had the agency and this free will to make this choice.

Okay,

I will take this job,

I will,

You know,

Move to the city,

I will,

For example,

Choose to be here on inside timer.

But actually,

Subtly,

In a very unconscious or more subconscious way,

There are lots of different structures underlying the riverbed.

So the river that flows,

It actually follows the underlying beds and rocks and muddy grounds underneath it that shape the path where it goes.

So the same in our lives as well.

And one of the very powerful things that we sometimes don't think about in a very intentional way are our relationships and the communities that we are a part of,

As well as the people we spend the most time with.

Has anyone heard of the common saying that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with?

Anyone,

Feel free to share in the chat if you've heard that before.

Any thoughts on that?

So that will be the first prompt for today,

And we will roll with it,

And the various different prompts will come up now.

And Suzanne has mentioned,

I have,

It makes sense.

We are interdependent as humans.

Yeah,

Anyone else has heard of the saying we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with?

And your thoughts on this as well?

Verna,

I have not heard of that before,

But I'm interested to learn about it.

Yeah,

So this actually was popularized by Jim,

Let's see,

Was it Jim Ron?

Yeah,

So motivational speaker Jim Ron most famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

Now,

This might be true as a heuristic,

Like our general guideline,

But the real research has shown that it's much more complex than that.

And there are many different interactions we have on a deep level,

As well as with acquaintances,

Like our outer ring.

So think of it as your inner ring,

Where you have deep connections,

And then you have this outer ring of like more people that also influence you,

For example,

At school,

For example,

In university,

The company culture that you work in,

So on and so forth.

And see,

BJ has shared in the chat,

Not heard of that before.

It makes me realize that I have no idea who those people would be other than my partner.

Okay,

That's interesting.

So the chat remains open if anyone else would like to comment on that.

So,

Okay,

Now let's segue into this.

Because BJ mentioned in the chat,

It makes me realize I have no idea who those people would be.

Now,

If you were to ask yourself this question,

Who are the people you spend the most time with?

And of course,

It's more complex than five people.

But I want to invite you to think for a moment,

Reflect for a moment,

What are the people you spend the most time with?

And how is that time spent?

You know,

How is the quality of that time?

And what is it spent doing?

Feel free to share in the chat.

And this might be a tricky one,

Especially if you've not considered it before.

Let's see.

BJ shared,

Makes me grateful that I'm working on building a community with deeper connections.

Hosting my first event in my new home this coming Tuesday.

That is beautiful.

Well,

That sounds very exciting,

BJ.

Tell us more about it.

What community is that centered around?

And what's this event going to be like?

Feel free to share with us.

I'm really curious.

This year,

I'm very focused on this idea of building community and this deepening connections with each other as well.

And Suzanne just shared,

That sounds so exciting.

BJ shared,

Making space for queer and trans folk for the full moon.

Wow,

That sounds amazing.

Sounds like it will be a really special and very intimate event.

That's very,

Very meaningful.

And if you've just joined us,

Welcome to our Connection Circle.

We are chatting on this idea of the networks we are a part of and the people you spend the most time with.

So there's a motivational speaker who has been known to say the statement that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

So if you've never considered this,

Then take a moment to ask yourself,

Who do I spend the most time with?

And how is this time spent?

If you are willing to share in the chat.

And then in a moment,

If there's not much shared in the chat,

I'm happy to share my personal anecdote.

But again,

This is a circle.

So we co-create together.

If you would like to be witness,

If you want to share,

Please go ahead.

Suzanne has shared,

It makes me grateful to step away from a toxic relationship where my reasonable needs began to be constantly criticized.

Yeah,

Kudos to you,

Suzanne.

That's great.

That takes,

It's a very brave step that wasn't easy,

Challenging step to step away from that relationship and happy for you.

Verna has mentioned right now,

It is with my daughters.

My younger daughter and I are doing a daycare starting in the fall.

And I spend time with my older daughter,

Helping her to do housework.

Thanks for sharing that,

Verna.

And I also wanted to point out that in our midst,

If you are a caregiver for someone,

Chances are that the person or the persons you spend the most time with will be the people you are caring for,

That you are mothering,

That you are nurturing.

Let's see,

Suzanne has shared,

I think having those other people around is validating also because you realize it's not me,

It's them.

And Suzanne mentioned community is so important.

Okay,

And on this topic of community,

I wanted to also point out that there are various different ways of navigating community.

So for me,

I need this human to human connection.

And to some degree,

I enjoy and love Insight Timer,

But I also really cherish my in-person connections.

And for my husband,

On the other hand,

He finds a lot of value and growth and connection from his interactions on Twitter.

And he has created a following as well as a community,

Almost,

That he can live and breathe and thrive,

That stimulates and grows him in many different ways,

Both his career,

He gets a lot of business through Twitter,

Lots of leads through Twitter.

And at the same time,

His intellectual growth and personal growth through these people that he has intentionally created.

So,

Okay,

On the first question.

So the first question is this idea of like,

Who are the people you spend the most time with?

What are the underlying structures?

Are you part of any communities that you,

That influence your behaviors,

That influence your values?

And then more importantly,

Now the second question leading up to that is like,

Is this,

How do you feel about this?

Is this guiding you in the direction that you would like to be?

Or are there,

For example,

In Suzanne's case,

She noticed that there was a toxic relationship that she was a part of,

And that wasn't sustaining her,

It wasn't giving her what she needed in terms of her very reasonable needs.

And therefore she decided to make a stop and end that relationship.

How about for the rest of us in the group?

Are you in any communities that you've considered that,

Oh,

Perhaps,

Are they in alignment?

Or to what degree?

And have you considered moving away from these communities or even exploring new communities,

New relationships,

For example?

So that's the prompt if you feel inclined to share.

All right,

The chat remains open.

Looks like we are in deep thought within our circle.

Perhaps we're a little shy to share today.

So at any point of time,

No obligation,

But if you wish to share,

The chat remains open.

It is a circle.

It is not a talk.

I'm happy to share my own experience.

So some of you know that I live in Italy and I'm originally from Singapore,

So I can speak on that a little bit.

Let's see.

Oh,

Verna has just shared in the chat,

I would like to find a community.

I've recently moved about six months ago and don't know where to look.

Yeah,

This is a good one.

Yeah,

How to start looking for community?

Nages has shared,

I'm enjoying and learning with my Insight Timer community.

Yeah,

Beautiful.

Thank you for pointing that out.

So there are many forms of community.

There is in-person communities,

There are virtual communities.

Also,

There are many ways to sustain friendships and relationships.

And also sometimes I like to think of it as even there might be some relationships you have that deeply influence you and feed you,

Even if they're not so frequent.

So for example,

I have a friend whom I don't meet very often.

She's in a completely different country.

But every,

I would say,

One to two months,

We stay in touch,

We do a call.

And sometimes we try from time to time every few months to meet in a place that's in between both of our cities and countries so that we have this connection,

We sustain this connection.

Also because I feel that with her,

I have,

She is someone who reflects the values that I truly cherish and that I want to embody.

And being in her presence reminds me of those values.

It helps me embody those values through my interactions with her.

So this is what I mean by being intentional with your relationships.

Also because very often what happens is a lot of us approach relationships from the point of view that it is a matter of circumstance.

For example,

The family you grew up in,

We didn't really have a choice.

Then the next crossroad for many of us that is a pivotal crossroad,

According to this James Currier,

Who is a five times founder and researcher of this network effects,

Is the high school that you go to.

So this would be based on your geographic location.

And the friends you make in the high school are dependent on the region that you stay.

So you can't really say that,

Oh,

Okay,

I would like to meet someone from outside of the city.

It might be difficult.

But for example,

If you're moving to somewhere and you're in this case,

Verna's case,

Like this is the only one I'm involved in inside Timer at Sunset,

Right?

Verna,

You're saying,

Like,

I think a nice way,

If you are tuning in and you're like Verna,

Or for example,

You are considering yourself to explore moving into or finding a community with whom you want to resonate and connect on a deep level.

Some questions might be,

So we often confuse this idea of category with purpose.

I'll give you an example.

So you might look for a fishing club because maybe you want to fish or you're thinking that it would be a nice time,

A nice way to interact with other people who are like that.

Or you might be thinking to join the local gym and through the local gym,

You might meet some other people who are also interested in keeping themselves physically fit.

These are great ways as well,

But because this is based around the category.

Now,

Someone who goes to fish,

Now let's say we can talk about maybe Bob.

Bob goes to fish because he has been fishing with his family since the last three generations.

And for him,

It is a way of sustaining this family heritage.

And so every single weekend,

He goes to fish as a matter of tradition with his family.

And Bob has a friend,

Let's say she's called Jane.

Jane goes to fish because she finds it a wonderful way of cultivating patience.

And so when she goes to fish,

It is all about the act of patiently waiting until the moment and observing her point of view,

Observing her thoughts.

So in this case,

You can see two people doing the same thing,

But for very different reasons.

And I also give you a different example that some of you might be familiar with.

Some of you might know that I am fascinated with flow,

With moving meditation,

With connecting with the things that we cannot see,

But we know are here,

The pulsation of life.

So I am a Qigong and yoga teacher.

And instructor as well.

Some of you may know me from my weekend offerings,

Which is Qigong Yoga Nidra.

But recently I,

As a beginner to encourage myself to adopt and embrace the beginner's mind,

I started to go for rowing lessons.

And I live in Turin.

We have a beautiful river that crosses from the north of Italy down to the south.

And so through these rowing lessons,

I met a few other people in the club and some of them have been rowing for 10 years,

12 years.

And there was another beginner who is called,

Let's call him Enrico.

So Mr.

Enrico also joined me and together we were rowing.

And I asked him also,

What brought you to rowing?

And he said,

Oh,

I play golf.

And I thought,

You know,

It would be a good sport to compliment my golf practice.

And it works completely different muscles.

And also now it's summertime.

It's a great way to be in nature.

So this is Enrico's motivation.

And my motivation on the end is completely different.

When I first saw a few people rowing down the river,

I was mesmerized because I thought,

I thought how beautiful this sport is.

It fully embodies the feeling of being in flow.

And how wonderful would that be if not in the boat,

But in life,

Every single moment I could experience and be that connected and intimate and in flow with life,

Not resisting,

Not arguing with life,

Not enforcing my own ego,

But just really listening,

Allowing,

Flowing with and connecting inside as well as outside.

So my motivation behind learning to row was to develop a deep connection with myself and also with nature,

With life,

With the things I cannot see.

And so you can see we are very,

Very different.

And so even though we both met through the rowing club,

We don't connect.

There is nothing much in common.

We have rowed together in a two-people canoe or two-people boat a single time,

But we didn't find a synergy.

And also because we are beginners.

But so I guess all of these examples is I want to invite you to now think,

Okay,

If you're considering to join a new community,

Or perhaps you are simply assessing the current relationships and communities that you are a part of,

You might want to ask yourself,

Why am I,

What is driving me to go for these gatherings?

How am I hoping to feel?

What values do I cherish?

Do I want to embody in this connection or relationship?

I would say,

Okay,

I'll give you an example.

On Insight Timer,

I would say many people who come to Insight Timer are growth-oriented and are seeking a deep level of connection and deeper understanding of themselves.

And they want to nurture and foster this kind of connection.

Therefore,

They seek Insight Timer because it is a meditation app.

It is built around this idea.

They would be very different if,

For example,

Today we met through a networking app and I was having this conversation about building relationships.

And perhaps in our group,

We are entrepreneurs or we are,

For example,

Salespeople.

So the motivation behind and the purpose behind that would be really quite different.

So I want to invite you to share in the chat,

Perhaps if you want to,

If you feel inclined to share,

What values are really important to you?

What are you hoping to get more of?

So I'll share mine and then maybe you can have an idea of what that would be.

So I really cherish freedom,

Like a sense of authenticity,

Freedom,

Being honest and sharing these heartfelt conversations,

Deep connections,

Going beyond the small talk.

And also I really value creativity,

The freedom for creative expression.

And that's why in my relationships and in the networks that I am a part of,

As well as the networks that I create,

I seek to foster these values,

Including,

For example,

This creation that was an idea that came to me.

And I thought,

Oh,

How wonderful if every Friday we could have a space where we could all chat and have this conversation around a central theme.

And there's no talk to speak.

It is a reflection time.

It is a time for us to explore our deep inner questions that we might not have thought about and at the same time,

Co-create with each other.

So I've been blah,

Blah,

Blah for quite some time.

I would love to hear from you.

Share in the chat what is coming up for you right now.

What values are really at the heart of what you cherish and maybe who you want to embody?

BJ has shared in the chat,

Was talking about this in therapy yesterday.

For me,

Love,

Giving,

Family and hope.

Oh,

Thank you for sharing that,

BJ.

That is so beautiful.

And I can see that in your creation,

The community that you are building,

This full moon circle for queer and trans folk,

That is an embodiment of all these things that you cherish.

You're building kind of a family and also you're sharing hope.

You're giving to others.

You're offering love,

A space to connect.

Let's see,

Pamela has shared in the chat,

Creativity,

Spirituality and service.

Suzanne has shared,

I realize I connect with people who want to leave the world a better place than they found it.

Whatever that means to them,

That passion,

Drive and generosity is important to me.

Let's see,

Verna has shared,

I'm looking for a trauma support group,

But there are none in my area.

Maybe find a knitting circle.

Yeah,

I remember,

Verna,

That you mentioned that you've been knitting for many years now and it is something very close to your heart.

I feel like there is also something very therapeutic about knitting and perhaps it draws people with a specific personality and quality.

And I did mention from before to not confuse the category with the purpose,

But there are some types of activities that tend to attract some kinds of people who value some kinds of perspectives in life.

They have similar values,

For example,

Insight Timer tends to,

I believe,

Attract people who are respectful and more open-minded and growth-oriented.

So definitely,

To some degree,

The category could be a good way for you to then segue and filter into finding and building the community that is one for you.

And I wanted to share,

Because I've been reading a couple of different books and there is a really good one for those of you who are community builders or you're just interested in community.

There is one called The Art of Community by Charles Borgo and I will type it in the chat as well,

The Art of Community.

I highly recommend this book.

I'm still in the midst of reading this book.

I've been reading it over and over again.

So he talks about the principles of how to build a community,

What makes a community so important.

And going back to this idea of building a community,

One of the things that he talks about in his book that is really,

I think,

Surprising is if you are an outsider and you just moved into a place new and you feel alienated,

You feel alone and you don't know where to start to find community,

You don't know how to begin,

A very radical but small thing that you might consider to do is to extend an invitation to other people and create your own community that does not exist.

So I'll give you an example.

When I first moved to Turin and I did not speak any Italian and I was also missing that sense of community with more open-minded international people.

I wanted to meet other creative people who worked freelance.

I couldn't find any communities that I could be a part of because I would feel so left out and I would feel so alone and I would feel like an outsider.

And so I decided I'm going to create my own.

And so I started Tuesday Tribe in Turin.

Some of you may know Tuesday Tribe from our actual Insight Timer gatherings on Tuesday.

It's a place where we take action,

We beat procrastination and we get started.

And that idea was originally birthed in Singapore with a group of creatives,

Change makers.

We would meet every single Tuesday in the evenings at a co-working space to work on our passion projects.

So that was purely a passion project for me as well and I just loved meeting people who are interesting and committed to making a difference in the world.

And then fast forward,

When I came to Turin,

I started to bring this over.

And through that,

I actually made a couple of friends and that then became what sustained me.

And over the various years,

As I continued to feel this struggle,

Let's say struggle,

Or the feelings of like alienation,

Like I'm an insider,

But I'm also an outsider.

I am obviously not Italian.

I cannot speak Italian very fluently no matter how long I stay here.

I'll never be seen as an insider.

And so why not create your own community?

Why not extend an invitation and offer and be the one?

And actually research has shown that by doing this,

This actually improves your own feeling and you don't feel quite so lonely because it gives you the power.

It gives you a sense of like agency and that possibility and potential.

So for those of you who are tuning in,

If you have ever grappled with this feeling and experience of being an outsider,

Or even,

For example,

Being on the inside,

But actually feeling like you are an imposter and you are an outsider,

I have a way to,

A small action that can do to alleviate this feeling is to extend an invitation to other people.

Let's see,

BJ has shared in the chat,

Yes to this.

I realized that if I was looking and couldn't find the community I needed,

Other people must also be seeking it.

Yes,

Beautiful.

Thank you,

BJ.

Yeah,

That is wonderful.

I love it.

Anyone else,

Feel free to share in the chat.

We will wrap up in about five minutes or so.

I know we are overrunning a little bit,

But I feel like today's conversation is a rich one.

And of course we can continue on this tangent about community building,

Relationships,

How to assess your relationships and so forth.

But I want to hear from you what thoughts are coming up for you right now with regards to your communities that you are a part of,

The networks that you are a part of.

Suzanne has just shared in the chat,

Empowering myself has helped me empower others.

Giving people space is a beautiful thing.

Oh,

Thank you for sharing that.

And if you would be willing to share,

Suzanne,

Let us know how,

What are some ways you empower yourself?

And how do you give space to others?

What are some ways?

And as the chat remains open,

I wanted to also leave you with a thought.

There's a way of also looking at relationships with regards to how,

So there's a misconception.

And some of us may think that when we have a relationship with ourselves,

Or a relationship with someone else,

It doesn't change.

But the truth is like,

We all have a fluid self and we grow and we change and we shift over time,

Even though some aspects of us stay the same.

So for example,

Maybe what might have been a high school friend for you at the time,

Over the years,

Perhaps it was a coincidence that you started to be friends.

And all the things that you have talked about might have been the things that you experienced together.

But then later in life,

What happens is that perhaps you both undergo the same transitions and the kind of support or the purposes of this relationship start to change and morph.

So one thing I wanted to leave you is this idea that it is great to assess the current relationships that you have and also to explore which ones,

Which networks,

Which communities no longer serve you that you might very gracefully then exit and also find new ones that would better serve and resonate with your values,

Your beliefs,

So that it can actually form the path of least resistance.

It can create this riverbed to guide you in the way that you want to go.

Also,

Because I remember in our Tuesday Trap Sessions,

Or maybe last week or the week before,

We had a couple of people,

One person who asked,

How can we form lasting habits?

Why is it so difficult to do something in a consistent way?

There are many reasons,

Of course.

Of course,

Because firstly,

It's behavioral change.

The second thing is,

For example,

If you want to become more physically fit,

But you are surrounded by people who are not fit or they don't embody the kind of values that you want to embody,

Then your environment,

Like this riverbed,

Is going to make it hard because you are going to flow along the path of least resistance.

Your behaviors will be almost like an aggregate or very similar to those around you.

So one of the best ways to change your path of least resistance so that you start moving in the direction,

You start becoming the person you want to be,

Is to start to surround yourself and to seek out communities that embody the kind of values you want to embody.

If you want to become more inspirational,

Look for people that are inspirational,

Create a feed on your social media,

Join some groups where people share inspiring stories,

Feel inspired yourself,

And then try to take risks where you also inspire others.

It might be scary at first.

If you want to become fit or if you want to have a more routine meditation practice,

Then maybe surround yourself with other people who have experienced the benefits of meditation,

Who are really determined meditators,

Who can guide you through the process and encourage you.

This is so far my experience in the rowing club because in the first initial stages,

It was really difficult.

I felt really demoralized and some of you may remember in our last sessions when we talk about the beginner's mind,

I shared about the four levels of competency.

And we start off with being unconsciously incompetent at something.

We are bad at it and we don't know that we are bad at it.

Then we realize because it matters to us,

We start to realize,

Oh,

I'm really bad at this thing.

And then this is the stage where you start to work hard and you practice intentionally.

You practice your practice,

Metta practice.

Some of you may remember from the audio that I mentioned from before.

And this stage is the stage where a lot of us drop off and we give up.

But it is so crucial during this stage that you encourage yourself and you have that structure.

You have this reinforcement from all of these folks around you who are like,

Oh,

No,

It's normal.

You know,

It took me nine months.

Hang in there.

You'll get there.

Or another guy who says,

Oh,

This is another way of carrying the oars that's not so tiring.

Or someone else who says,

Oh,

When you're rowing,

Do this small thing and that will make it much easier.

It's OK.

You're doing great.

So all of these things,

Like these structures and this positive reinforcement and this environment,

You can co-create,

You can create and form so that your riverbed helps you to flow in the direction that you want to flow.

It is in your hands.

But let's come back to the point from before.

So another way is like,

Some people have the misconception that,

Oh,

If I have a relationship with someone and it has been like this from before,

Then it cannot change.

But this is not true.

And my belief is because most people don't know why they are in a relationship with someone else.

When you go out with someone and you come back and you're like,

Why did I spend time with this person?

And did I feel uplifted?

Did I receive comfort?

Was I inspired?

Did I laugh?

Did I need a shoulder to cry on?

This person was there for me.

So if you have any relationships or communities that you are a part of that you're not quite sure what the purpose is for you,

Then I invite you to consider and reflect on the value of those communities for you and how you can make it more valuable for you,

Making sure that they are in alignment.

And the same thing,

Not just for communities,

But for one-on-one friendships.

So if,

For example,

Let's say I have a friendship with someone else and this person is seeking comfort from me and she's also thinking that I need comfort.

On the other hand,

What I want to feel is inspiration and creativity from this person,

Then it's not going to be aligned.

The friendship is going to be strained or it's not going to serve our needs.

And therefore,

Over time,

It will start to lose its value.

So a very good way to think about it is like with regards to a friend or community,

Ask yourself,

What am I hoping to get out of this being in the presence of this person or attending these gatherings?

How do I hope to feel after this gathering?

And then after you do that,

Is that how you feel?

And also a very nice way if you have a friend and your relationship has always been a certain way and you're thinking over time,

You really cherish this friend,

But you're not quite sure of this partner,

This family member,

And you're not quite sure how this relationship is changing over time.

A very honest question could be,

How can I help you?

How can I make you better?

What would you like to hope to feel in my presence?

How can I create value?

How can I make your life better?

And this is the question that we don't often explicitly ask our friends,

Our family members,

And we make all kinds of assumptions around what people expect from us,

Why they relate to us,

Why we are in connection.

Now,

Of course,

For family,

That is another thing,

But this question is still applicable to family.

It is for sure.

Because sometimes from a partner,

Maybe we want respect,

Maybe we don't want comfort.

Maybe from children,

We want to see their growth.

And,

You know,

So I think it's something that is small,

But it's actually a really powerful shift.

I see Suzanne has responded to a previous comment.

She said,

I think that take that step to create community when you identify a gap.

I started organizing social events after work,

And some colleagues are not interested,

And some are,

But they all appreciate having the choice to participate or not.

And I would even dare say,

Because I'm also reading another book,

It is called The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker.

And Priya says that right now we are in the time and age where we believe that everyone,

We should be all inclusive,

Right,

Diversity and everything.

But actually,

The more you open up to every single kind of person,

The more likely it is that the gathering or the community doesn't serve the specific needs.

So let's go back to the example of me and Enrico,

My rowing acquaintance.

So Enrico wants to get a workout from rowing.

I want to feel and flow.

I want to understand and feel and embody all the tiny and small minuscule details of the actual rowing.

We wouldn't have anything in common.

How would we be able to row?

He wants to row as fast as possible to get done and to get a workout.

And I want to really take my time and find and feel and explore and inquire.

And so you can't imagine that within the same club that we would have people that are like this.

So same thing with a gathering.

So for example,

Today's gathering,

Our gathering was Meditations Connection Circle.

All of you came here because you are curious and you are to some degree wanting to connect in some form.

But because I wrote this explicitly,

I said there would not be a talk.

There's nothing tangible out of it.

You're not going to receive a meditation.

It is not a yoga session.

It is not anything.

So some people will immediately see the description and be turned off and they'll be like,

No,

I'm not going to do this.

I would like something tangible.

I want something concrete.

I'm not interested in just a talk that doesn't have a clear output or direction.

But that was my intention to deter people who are not relevant.

And by narrowing your focus and being specific and really thinking to yourself,

What kind of community do I want to be a part of?

And how do I want to feel when I am in the midst of these people?

Then that really helps you create the right kind of community.

So I,

For example,

I love,

I do have pastimes and I do like to do things for the sake of doing things.

But I am in a part of this big WhatsApp group that is Foreigners in Turin.

It's for everyone who is a foreigner and there are 300 people in the WhatsApp group.

But there are many subgroups and among the subgroups,

All of them are based on category.

So I recently started a group that is called Curious Humans Deep Talk because I was interested to curate and gather people who are interested beyond just spending time together.

And I know that many people are interested to find activity buddies or hobbies,

People to do hobbies together and spend time or get fit together.

And that's absolutely valid and great.

And if that is what you're seeking for,

Then you should zoom in on that and say,

Okay,

I want to find a friend so that this friend can keep me accountable to exercise together.

And that will be your purpose.

And then you know clearly that every single time you meet this person,

You are doing it to exercise together and you feel good about that.

But maybe what you're hoping for is as you spend time with this person and exercise,

You can share your deep stories of relocation and you can connect on a deep level on how you've both been outsiders and you want to create this like mini insiders group.

And this person doesn't feel that way because this person has been an insider in this community for 10 years and they don't feel that way,

Then it's not going to gel.

So this is really,

Really important.

Being able to be honest and filter out and say like,

Okay,

Yeah,

That is a good way to make friends.

But I actually,

It's not giving me value.

I don't want to sustain this relationship also because relationships,

Spending time in community,

Building community takes time and effort and energy.

And we want to make sure that this is like well spent and that you really create value,

Not just for yourself,

But also for others.

So yeah,

Okay,

Suzanne mentioned,

BJ just said,

Yeah,

The art of gathering is so good.

So those of you who are curious about community,

About relationships,

Be sure to check out that book.

I don't receive any commission for recommending the book.

I just really like the book and Suzanne is adding it to the reading list.

Okay,

So I've taken a little bit longer than usual,

But I would love to now wrap up and I want to invite you to share in the chat,

What is one nugget that you would like to bring with you today?

It might not be any new insight,

But something in a way that you want to consolidate from our circle together,

Or it could be something that you didn't previously share that you want to share in our circle so that we can all be enriched from your experience.

So the chat is open and I would love to hear from you.

And Suzanne has shared in the chat,

I wish I could join BJ's magical circle.

Hope it will be a resounding success.

Yeah,

We are rooting for you,

BJ.

I'm sure it will be a very magical event,

Very intimate and special.

Verna has shared that a community is important and it should nurture you.

Yes,

And we should be picky about the communities that we are a part of.

We can be intentional about them.

Relationships don't have to be accidental or purely,

You know,

Outside of our control.

We can have agency over what communities that we are a part of and we can extend an invitation.

Nages has shared in the chat,

I learned that I can learn from people who have different perspectives on the same topic.

Yeah,

That's really,

That's great.

Okay,

Let's see if anyone else would like to share.

All right,

The chat remains open in case anyone would like to share their insight or question or reflection or consolidation,

Something you want to bring with you into the rest of today and the rest of the week.

Verna has shared,

I just want to thank everyone for being here for me.

Thank you for being here,

Verna.

And I really believe that we co-create this together.

It's not a talk.

Most of the time,

Every single week,

I'm like musing over something and there's something that comes up and I really enjoy having this space of this to and fro,

Just like I do it in person.

I do it with my friend,

With my partner as well.

It's different doing it in a community where there is,

The more people come together and we share and we build on each other's ideas,

The more it flourishes.

And we are also not just,

We are so much greater than the sum of our parts.

This is also what I wanted to point out,

Which is why it is so important that we be very intentional and thoughtful about our networks without being overly stressed about them,

Of course.

To some degree,

Some of them are outside of our control,

Like family.

We can't really choose family,

But there are many things that we can choose as to how we relate to them,

How we can continue to grow the relationship as well as the relationships that then we can choose that we want to create in our lives.

So I want to thank you for being here,

All 36 of you.

It looks like our group has grown.

Whether you have shared in the chat or whether you have been listening,

I hope this time was curious and maybe at least to some degree valuable for you that you took something with you,

Maybe not anything new,

But a reminder of something that perhaps you already knew or that resonates deeply from within.