Learning,
Loving,
How to be a woman.
I grew up in a family of three daughters.
Very early on,
I was taught to take initiative in all that I do.
And I've been a proactive person,
A doer,
All of my life.
I didn't really know how to be a girl.
My adults were pretty,
They were sweet,
Cute and gentle.
I spoke my mind and didn't care to wear dresses,
Makeup or earrings to attract the attention of boys.
Though I deeply admired my mother's humility,
Gentleness and kindness,
I couldn't see myself becoming the submissive wife that she was.
My innocence was marked with a tinge of resentment.
Resentment at the unfairness that I was born in the body of a woman,
With all the traits and the strengths that would be prized and valued only if I were a man.
From high school through university,
I noticed belatedly that some girls who looked,
Dressed and acted a certain way were considered cool and popular.
I realized with a tinge of sadness that this was not me.
At the same time,
I struggled with feeling the ripples of emotional and psychological issues of a family member.
And I developed an eating disorder,
Which I struggled with and tried to hide for the next four years.
In the second year of my university,
I followed my gut instinct and shaved my head,
My long black hair in support of charity,
Hair for hope for individuals who had lost their hair having undergone chemotherapy to treat cancer.
I never expected it to have such a profound impact on myself and the people around me.
People I met automatically made all kinds of assumptions on the kind of woman I was,
That I was lesbian or asexual.
The most astonishing thing was how a male acquaintance who barely exchanged words or looked at me during our initial encounters,
Suddenly asked me out on a date as my hair grew back a year later.
As I began working,
I continued to learn all kinds of expectations people have of women,
Some of which I found hard to agree.
A Taiwanese friend told me that his mother taught his sister that smart women need not and should not show that they are smart.
She should be agreeable and maybe even act stupid by default to make her husband feel good,
But only on the things that truly matter,
She should speak her mind.
In my first romantic relationship in my early 20s,
I struggled hard,
Compromising and living up to the expectations of my boyfriend's family.
I will never forget the time I was at his sister's place and I was called to a separate room by what would have been my future mother-in-law.
To say that no hard feelings,
But in front of the aunts it was inappropriate,
Unacceptable and unwomanly of me to sit cross-legged,
Especially considering I was to be the daughter-in-law to the biggest grandson in the family.
I went to the toilet and cried silently to myself,
Never having been so humiliated in my life.
Many times I asked myself if it was the right decision to continue the relationship with this man,
Who though was uncomfortable that I was more successful in my career and making more money than him,
Was at heart a kind,
Caring and loving person.
Countless times I asked myself if I would end the relationship,
But I could not bring myself to because of the promise I made.
And because my mother taught me that the solution to a union was compromise.
At the same time,
This compromise felt too much,
That if I chose this life,
I would have to give up a part of myself as a person,
As the woman I wanted to be.
When the relationship was abruptly ended by him,
With a deep sense of sadness,
Emptiness,
Came also relief.
I was finally free.
I had escaped a life of restriction,
Of boundaries.
At the same time,
I also felt like a failure,
Like I had been discarded,
Like a faulty product returned to the store.
Pulling myself together,
I embarked on an ambitious project with the deadline being the end of the year.
I downloaded all the dating apps available and went on as many as four dates a week,
In hopes of finding who might be my soulmate.
Someone who would appreciate me for who I was and would compliment,
Support and love me fully as I would him.
The problem can't be me,
I thought.
After a year of more than a hundred dates,
Meeting more than 80 people and failing miserably at finding my soulmate,
I started to let go of the idea that I might ever live the complete life that my mother had painted for me and all the other women in the world.
One that entailed marriage and motherhood.
Concurrently,
I felt increasingly dissatisfied with my work,
Which though was stable and I was extremely good at,
Failed to fulfil all my needs to live a meaningful and creative life.
So six years ago,
I embarked on a journey to learn and find answers.
What kind of woman might I be?
How might I be a lovable woman?
Who might I meet?
Whom I might love?
Who might also love me?
In this time,
I've met women from all walks of life.
Women who have stayed single.
Women who are married.
Women who have been divorced and found love again.
Women who had rose from a difficult environment of abuse.
Women who have children on their own.
Women who love other women.
Women who love others regardless of gender.
Women who are artists,
Writers,
Teachers,
Activists,
Founders,
Software engineers.
Women who are brave,
Independent,
Vulnerable,
Sassy,
Playful,
Loving,
Kind.
This is dedicated to all of these women.
This is truly their story,
Their life.
And in this journey,
I had a revelation that must have been the biggest cliché of my life.
The woman I had been wanting to become,
The love of my life,
The person I was seeking to love and to be loved by,
Has always been me.
I thought I had to become the woman that someone else desired,
Admired,
Wanted to befriend,
Hire,
Date or marry.
And I struggled because I didn't know how to be that woman.
Because that woman wasn't,
Isn't and won't ever be me.
Realising this has brought me a profound joy and peace that I've experienced from no other person,
No other relationship.
Every day,
I'm still navigating and learning how to be a woman,
How to love myself as a woman.
It is a difficult subject matter and a lifelong pursuit and practice that I will continue to study.
How has your journey been as a woman?
How do you learn to be a woman?
How do you learn to love yourself as a woman?
