Decision-making involves the deliberation between the different parts of you.
Resolving this conundrum involves getting them to sit together around an imaginary table to agree on an outcome that they can all settle for.
To reconcile this conflict,
Academic Director of the Hasselbladner Institute of Design at Stanford University,
Bernard Roth,
Recommends in his book,
The Achievement Habit,
A small but significant and powerful shift to replace the word but with the word and.
For example,
You might notice yourself saying,
I really want to spend time with you,
But I have to finish my work.
What if instead of that,
You said,
I really want to spend time with you and I have to finish my work.
Let's try this in another scenario.
Perhaps in response to your proposed idea,
Your boss said,
That's a great idea,
But let's try to incorporate the other idea as well.
What if instead of that,
He said,
That's a great idea and let's try to incorporate the other idea as well.
What if instead he said,
That's a great idea and let's try to incorporate the other idea as well.
It's interesting how a single word can dramatically change the tone in these two scenarios.
When we use the word but,
What we're doing is making some form of excuse to defend or justify our actions.
Instead,
When we use and,
We acknowledge that both desires and actions could co-exist and open up to the possibility that they may be a solution or way forward that could reconcile and allow for both needs to be met.
This is the practice we will do today,
To shift from but to and,
With respect to any seemingly conflicting values and desires that you may have with regards to the difficult decision or decisions you're making.
We'll now review the free writing you've done and write a few statements to reflect what is important for you with regards to your difficult decision.
The first step is to retrieve your paper from yesterday,
Which you've done free writing on and make sure you have some writing materials.
Also grab a fresh piece of paper or flip to a new page on your journal.
Once you've done that,
Let's take the next two to three minutes to objectively read and review what you've written.
Identify the different parts of you that may have conflicting values and desires.
What do each of them want?
If it is easier,
You may wish to write each of these down separately.
You can have separate columns or groups for each part of you.
For example,
One may read,
I value stability,
Predictability.
I prefer to take the tried and tested and safe option.
While another column or group may read,
Creativity and possibility is so important to me.
I want to explore new options.
Another example might be,
I value solitude and alone time.
As opposed to another column or group,
Which could read,
I love being in community and feeling this connection with others.
Let's take the next couple of moments to do this.
Now,
We'll create spaciousness and reconcile these by writing down a few statements that reflect your conflicting values and desires,
Replacing the word but with the word and.
For example,
If you might think,
I value predictability,
But also feel drawn to the unexpected possibilities.
You'll reframe this to,
I value predictability and also feel drawn to unexpected possibilities.
Let's now take the next couple of moments to do this.
Reframe and replace but with the word and.
As you do this,
Notice if you might already identify a solution that optimizes the joint aspirations of your different inner selves.
And even if not,
This small act of recognizing your own competing desires will help you move through the decision more effectively and authentically.
What often happens from this place of spaciousness is that you might then realize that one value or desire is more important than the other.
They might both or all be important,
But one may take a supporting role in relation to the other.
And you might notice that there is a way that the energies of these seemingly competing or conflicting values and desires could coexist.
The final step is to ask yourself,
Of all of these things that you feel drawn to,
What's really number one for you?
And what's number two?
And what's number three?
For example,
Are you more focused on developing a healthy relationship?
Or perhaps are you more concerned with realizing a fulfilling career?
Would you rather achieve your goals?
Or perhaps do you care more about building trust in the workplace?
You may not get all of the things that you're working towards,
But chances are you'll do better off than you are now.
Let's take the next couple of moments to look at these different desires and values and prioritize them.
If you're clear on your priorities,
It'll be much easier for you to design the best outcome for this decision and your life.
