Equanimity

A talk and meditation to cultivate equanimity — a sense of calm and evenness — within ourselves and in relation to others. This practice is brought to you by the Flourish Foundation, a social profit dedicated to inspiring systemic change through heart-mind cultivation, promoting personal well-being, benevolent social action, and environmental stewardship.

Transcript

Okay,

So equanimity.

As I mentioned,

This particular value can be defined in a number of different ways.

And specifically within this context,

We're defining equanimity as an impartial sense of care that really transcends our preference toward extending care toward those who are nearest to us.

So we could say biologically,

This is kin selective care.

It's natural.

It's really what has allowed us to survive is that biologically we have this disposition that we care for our offspring and those that are close to us where there's a lot of similarity.

And then what often happens is this capacity to care recedes as we start to look out and we see that there's a difference between myself and another.

So the real obvious differences would be gender.

We could see this in race.

We could see this in our socioeconomic class structure.

And of course,

We're seeing this all over the place.

So if we're really thinking about what's germane and relevant to this time,

Having an impartial sense of care that transcends preference toward those that are near and transcends any sense of inversion toward those that are far is really what the doctor ordered,

Especially as we see these divisions in political groups.

We see these divisions in class and race,

Gender happening all over the place.

And the more that this divisiveness is fortified or strengthened,

There's been some really great science to suggest and show that psychologically the more we withdraw our sense of care toward others.

So the idea in this practice of equanimity is first to bring to mind in our own experience how do we relate in these categories?

Is it true for us?

Are there people when we bring to mind,

If I say let's bring to mind a group of people for whom it feels very natural,

Very easy to extend a sense of affection,

Of warmth,

Of care to?

And then is there another group of people that we could say are kind of like neutral people where we don't have any sense of aversion or disdain or we could say at the extreme level,

Like disgust,

Nothing like that,

But they just,

They're kind of like background people.

You know,

They're here,

But we don't really feel an affinity toward them or away from them.

And we,

Are there such people like that?

And then of course a question we can ask ourselves,

Are there people that we interact with where there's a sense of aversion toward?

So if like you're in the grocery store,

This is always the classic that I think of.

And you're kind of walking down,

You know,

Looking maybe at the cereal and kind of perusing down and then you see someone that turns around the corner and you look and you see,

Oh,

It's them,

And then you kind of like turn the other way and slowly start to kind of like meander out of the aisle so you don't have to have like a live interaction with such a person.

Are there such people like that that exist for us?

And so we start this practice by recognizing do we in fact have a sense of preference?

Is this true?

So it's not like,

Okay,

Now we have to indoctrinate ourselves and believe that this is how we're interacting with the world,

But really invite ourselves to reflect and see is this in fact true?

Do we have this sense that our care is reserved toward those that are close,

That is more or less indifferent toward those that are neutral and is maybe restricted or constrained toward those that maybe have been adversarial to us,

The kind of antagonist.

Sometimes in the classic descriptions of these practices they say your enemies,

You know,

But that can be a pretty intense word,

But it could just be,

You know,

The people that we,

We just feel like,

Oh,

It's,

Here he comes,

It's Ryan again,

Oh,

God,

It's Ryan,

Oh,

You know,

And we just feel that like kind of contraction of the heart.

And in this practice we start to see do we first have this,

This way of connecting with others.

And then we can start to discern and see are these categories,

Are they reality based in the sense are they stuck that way?

Are they fixed or are these categories when we start to look at them they're more fluid.

So for example my wife,

She wasn't always my wife.

You know,

We didn't have an arranged marriage since,

You know,

I was,

Before I was born.

There may be situations where that is true,

But there was a point when I could have walked by my wife on the street and,

You know,

It was just like there's a woman,

Maybe you know close to the same age,

But not maybe a deep affinity or sense of care for.

And then over time as I got to know her and then we developed a friendship and then that friendship turned into an intimate relationship,

The dynamic shifted.

But is it also possible that we could have someone who's really close to us,

A friend,

A partner,

A spouse,

And over time the conditions around that relationship change and they become someone that we,

You know,

I haven't talked to this friend in so long.

I wonder what happened to them.

You know,

And then we just lose track of people over time and people kind of come into our life and at times are really close and at other times they may fade away.

And then of course on the extreme our friends can very easily,

I can think of examples for this where people who I was close to I've had quite a bit of conflict with and maybe some residual conflict even to this day and there's some antagonism.

And so we can see that are these categories,

Are they reality based and that they're fixed and that they match up to how things are or are they in fact very fluid and people are kind of they're like revolving doors and people are coming in and out of these different categories.

And we start to see that kind of rigid structure of how we classify people in our mind is actually it's not so reality based because people who actually could have been very adversarial sometimes they become like neutral people.

And you know,

Over the years time passes by and we can,

You know,

Some tolerance and acceptance and then even friendship develops.

You know,

People who maybe had a very difficult past at one point could all of a sudden be very good friends.

So we can see people are these categories are very fluid.

And then we go a bit deeper and we look in the meditation and we consider and reflect are there any limitations in doing this?

In holding a kind of preference to extending care to those people who are very near to us and often this care is very much caught up in a kind of reciprocity in that we care for them.

They're close to us because they provide us some kind of comfort,

Some kind of affirmation.

And if they stop doing that,

Then we know it happens.

So easily our sense of care can easily transform in the very next moment to a sense of disappointment,

Animosity or hostility.

And so if we're really stuck on just holding care toward those people and if they step out of line,

Then our care is not very enduring.

It's not lasting.

It's very flimsy.

It can easily transform into something else.

And then likewise is there any limitation in just not caring and being indifferent toward people who neither improve our lives but they also don't make our lives sour or they don't create conflict in our lives but they're just kind of like those,

As I said earlier,

The background people.

And what do we miss out if we don't care for those people?

And we may miss out on the enjoyment of something that sounds very lofty.

And I think I know for myself I wouldn't feel any regret if I moved a step closer to that.

And that would just be the enjoyment of boundless altruism or even just a feeling of unconditional love,

Of just making a connection with.

And I find this can happen all the time in the grocery store or out when I'm in a place where maybe there's some customer service and I look and I see,

Oh,

There's someone's name tag.

And just making the time to say,

Oh,

Thanks Nancy,

Have a great day.

Or and just making that little bit of extra effort to connect with this person,

To bring them in a little bit closer to making a connection and perhaps a connection with care.

Is there any sort of enjoyment that we can have with that?

And is there enjoyment that we can miss if we hold those people back in or underneath kind of like a curtain of indifference?

So that would be something,

You know,

Again to reflect on in ourselves.

And then finally,

If we restrict care toward those who are adversarial to us and we usually the kind of sentiment there that drives that would be probably some resentment,

You know,

Kind of like bitterness over time and is there any advantage to that?

You know,

Is there anywhere that says,

You know,

Resentment is really a good thing.

It improves your long-term well-being.

And someone who I think just absolutely nailed this in their own reflection and experiencing this very much at a very personal level was Nelson Mandela.

And he was quoted saying one time that resentment is like drinking poison waiting for your enemy to die.

When you stop and you think about that,

Okay,

There's my enemy and then I'm over here and I'm just chugging some whatever,

Some sort of like Drano,

Some poison.

And then I'm thinking like I hope something bad happens to them.

It's completely futile.

It actually destroys our own health.

And so in his case,

Seeing this as he was holding a tremendous resentment for particularly his prison guard at the time and reflecting upon this and just seeing how miserable he would work all day and then he would come back and then he'd just be bitter and resentful in his cell.

He just thought,

Man,

There's,

I'm just making myself miserable.

This guy goes home and he probably has a family and there's no benefit in me just thinking miserable thoughts about him.

And so trying to transform this into an authentic sense of recognizing,

Okay,

This is not benefiting me here and is there something that I can connect to that can open up a sense of care?

And in his case,

He was able to do that and as the story goes,

Unfolds,

I mean,

It's just such an incredible example that this prison guard and he who were very adversarial at first and then Nelson Mandela shifted his relationship with this prison guard,

They actually became friends and then when Mandela was released and he was nominated as the first black president of South Africa,

Guess who showed up to his inauguration?

His friend who was the prison guard.

I think that's just such a beautiful story of transforming through this impartial sense of care,

Transforming this relationship and it's fair to say that it was probably mutually fulfilling for both of them.

And we can't say that that's always going to be the case so we can't expect that.

But at least it's better than the alternative of holding resentment.

So how do we then we start to recognize the limitations of this and we see,

Okay,

That's not useful of restricting my care,

Constraining the sense of care toward those people who are difficult.

What are my alternatives?

And seeing that this could be a possibility.

And then through all of this,

How do we get to this place where there's this sense of even heartedness,

This impartial sense of care that flows out?

And where this meditation culminates is in what do we have in common?

Can we find common ground?

Because that's the key to opening up.

We help others who are like us.

This is a real truth that has been studied scientifically in some very ingenious,

Unique ways.

But the real,

The short conclusion of this is that when we start to look toward what we have in common with others,

That here's a fellow human being.

And I even like to think of this equanimity practice transcending our humanness.

If we can just go,

Here's a fellow living being because there are so many animals that are worthy of our care,

All of them really.

And if we can find that even,

You know,

Like just the other day,

I was practicing yoga and there was a brown recluse,

And I was just like,

Oh,

There's a brown recluse in my yoga room.

And we're pretty different,

The brown recluse and I.

We look different.

Brown recluse has more legs than I do.

You know,

We're not similar in a lot of ways.

There's a lot of differences,

Obvious.

And the tendency is if we just focus on those differences and we can sow other,

Another being,

Then it's easy to restrict our sense of care toward them.

And it would be really easy for me to take my,

You know,

Like a little sandal or a book and go,

And,

You know,

Just kill a,

What?

It's just a spider,

You know,

It's just a spider.

Or on the other hand of looking,

Oh,

There's a living being.

And I bet he doesn't,

She,

He,

Not sure,

Gender,

But I bet the spider,

This brown recluse doesn't necessarily want to be,

I know it doesn't want to be smashed because that's why it's running away for sure.

But also I bet it would be happier in my grate down in my porch where it's dark and it's kind of cool,

Probably doesn't really want to hang out in the yoga room.

So how can I,

How can I usher it there without killing it?

And making that,

That connection with her commonality to open up this even hearted sense of care.

And I,

And this is where I feel this,

This virtue of equanimity could be so powerful right now.

Because it's so easy to look at,

Oh,

They believe this,

That's how they're different.

And then immediately the polarity starts and we can so easily instigate this in others.

You know,

I could say,

You know,

To my friend,

Hey,

Mark,

Did you hear about,

Did you hear about Phil,

He already did.

We're not like that,

Are we?

No.

And then it's just,

You know,

This separation so easily forms and how can we find this commonality?

And just before we go into the practice,

I was so moved.

The other night I was watching a documentary with my,

My two boys and my wife.

And it was on the Rwandan genocide.

And it was,

It really had mapped out what had happened there in the 90s.

And many people probably remember it.

There was,

I think in one month a million people were killed.

It was horrific,

Really horrific.

And what had happened is the Rwandans were,

They'd been living pretty peacefully.

But then there was,

Some things happened politically where there started to be a distinction made between two ethnic groups there,

The Tutsi and the Hutu.

And they started to really play on these distinctions.

And then what happened was,

I believe it was the Tutsi that were targeted by the Hutu.

I could have this backwards,

But the,

The Tutsi,

They started equating the Tutsi to something very different from them.

That they were like lice.

And they were like vermin,

Like things that were disgusting.

And so all of a sudden they were saying this,

That it's these,

And it's a little bit of what we can see happening now.

We're separating,

These are,

These are criminals.

They're lice.

They're whatever.

But they're not us.

And they're different from us.

And then all of the sudden it started to justify this maltreatment.

And then very quickly,

I mean,

So quickly people didn't even have time to leave to see what was coming,

Then there was this mass genocide.

And what was moving about the story,

So that would just be,

You know,

I'd just leave you with something tragic and then say,

Okay,

Now let's meditate.

Let's not do that.

Let's,

Let's focus on equanimity.

And that would,

You know,

I mean,

That would be a good plug.

But what was really cool,

What I found uplifting through this story is they were,

And after all this had happened,

They were looking at how do we bring our culture back together?

And one of the mediums,

Which I,

And this is how I ended up watching the movie,

Because my,

My kids love soccer,

Is it was through a mutual love in soccer that they started playing again.

And people started,

They,

As a strategy,

They started organizing these pickup soccer games.

And then they started,

There was games that they had gotten prisoners who,

Who had performed some of the atrocities of the genocide.

They had brought them out.

And then they were playing against some of the,

The,

The victims,

People who had been affected,

People whose family members had been killed by such people.

And they started playing soccer,

And they started finding a commonality.

And that was this love for soccer.

And so they were no longer so different.

They were like,

We're soccer players.

And so now they had something to connect on.

And based on that,

Then they started to come together.

And then something really remarkable happened where the Rwandan soccer team won the African Cup.

And it was made up of Hutu and Tutsi.

And everyone then felt this strong national unity.

But it was around this,

What do we have in common?

And they found they were just absolutely over the moon.

They loved soccer.

And so they went back to this commonality.

And then it opened up this capacity to care.

So that's really the punchline in this practice as we move through these different phases of reflecting that we end at this place of,

Okay,

We see that these categories are incredibly malleable.

They're not fixed.

And it's not reality based to hold onto these categories as tight as,

These are the people that are good.

These are neutral.

These are bad.

That people are flowing in and out of all these all the time.

So we can't hold tight to them.

It just doesn't make sense.

But even more,

We see the limitations of doing so and how that sets us up for either disappointment,

A kind of cold indifference,

Or an aversion.

And once we see,

Okay,

There's these limitations here,

There's this complexity around these relationships that are always changing.

Is there something that's common here?

And what we'll contemplate to really get this,

This virtue of equanimity flowing is,

Can we come to this common ground that we're all living beings who genuinely benefit from a sense of care,

That want to be cared for,

Essentially,

And care to be happy.

And we're all living beings who at some level,

We do care about not experiencing unnecessary misery or pain.

That's pretty common across the board.

And if we can come and we can see that,

And then the idea is then we hold all categories and we just see,

Can I start to contemplate opening my heart in such a way that the sense of care flows evenly toward these three groups so that the distinction between the groups fades away and there's this even heartedness that embraces all living beings.

And that's why I say for myself,

If this happened just a little bit,

That would be really wonderful.

If it happened a lot bit,

That would be fantastic.

I know from my side,

I've thought about it,

There would be no regret.

You know,

I wouldn't at the end of my life say,

Boy,

I wasted my time becoming more even hearted.

That was really a bad idea.

I shouldn't have done that.

I should have made more money.

That would have been better.

No way.

This just seems like there's no doubt that's beneficial for ourselves.

And then of course,

When we look out in the world today,

Could even heartedness benefit our world?

Could equanimity benefit our world?

I think it's a rhetorical question.

I won't even ask for anyone's response to that because I think we don't have to use our imagination and we could say,

Whoa,

That would be transformative on a societal level.

But we can't change everybody in society,

But we do have a good opportunity to change ourselves.

So that's the point of the practice and start there.

And then maybe,

Who knows?

Like Nelson Mandela,

I share that story.

It's inspiring to me.

Maybe,

You know,

We inspire those around us with this even heartedness and then it spreads.

And if not,

It's still okay.

It lives in our heart.

It'll still be beneficial,

No doubt.

So that's it.

That's the context,

The big preamble into the practice.

And we'll give ourselves about 25 minutes,

What we have left.

And I would say,

Be as comfortable as you can.

The practice will be guided.

It is pretty heavy on the discursive part.

So the first part,

You know,

I'm not going to,

I don't want to fill it up with too much talking so you're not like multitasking between my voice and your own experience.

But we'll really just see,

Can we settle this ground into this ground of relaxation and ease in the body and mind?

Settle our attention for a little bit.

And then we'll open up into these discursive elements of practice.

And I'm just really going to be lobbying prompts or invitations to consider to see,

Can we start to use our mind to build that inclination,

That capacity for even heartedness?

And yeah,

See what happens.

So find that comfortable position.

And you could lie down as well.

Sitting is not mandatory around here.

And once you've settled into a comfortable posture,

Relax into the eyes.

And with this relaxation of the eyes,

Feel a sense of freedom and being able to turn your attention inward,

Not being fixated on the world outside of ourselves,

But coming into closer proximity with the experience of our own heart and mind.

And before connecting deeper to this lived experience of feeling,

Of thinking,

Of sensing,

Give yourself a moment to consider what would the benefits in your own life be if you were able to cultivate a more enduring sense of equanimity or even heartedness?

How might this quality of equanimity benefit you and also benefit your relationship to others?

And over time,

We may gain confidence that,

Again,

We can rely and trust in this virtue of equanimity,

That it is something worthy of cultivation.

And with whatever sense of enthusiasm we have right now,

Bring that to bear as you fill your body with awareness and begin to notice the various sensations and feelings that arise within the body from one moment to the next.

If you feel there's a kind of reluctance in making this shift to the body,

Notice the parts of the body that are in contact with the floor and observe any sensations and feelings that arise from this contact.

And as you feel more deeply into the experience of the body,

If you notice any resistance or tightening this evening,

Give yourself permission to relax and release with each out breath,

Breathing out,

Revealing a quality of ease.

Relaxing into the shoulders,

Alongside the neck,

Muscles of the face.

And along with this deepening sense of relaxation,

Embrace a quality of stillness,

Which for now is not any restraint toward the impulse to move.

Simply a recognition of having nothing to do and nowhere else to go.

Giving yourself a moment today to simply be.

And in this experience of being,

Of not doing anything,

Can you sense the quality of being aware of knowing?

And if you can sense this awareness,

This knowing,

Are you able to detect a kind of wakefulness that's inherent in this knowing?

And if so,

Rest in this wakefulness as you continue to relax.

Now along with establishing this relaxation and clarity,

Respect to the body,

Let's extend these qualities of relaxation and clarity to the mind.

By first exploring can we release or relax the mind in such a way where we're not releasing necessarily any muscle,

But releasing the tendency to hold tight to whatever comes to mind.

Exploring yourself what is it like to let any mental events,

Whether it be a thought,

A memory,

Desire,

And emotion,

To let any mental event naturally arise,

Persist,

And dissolve away without any tightening.

Simply being present.

And if we're able to release in this way again,

We may find a kind of stillness,

A stillness of awareness,

And once again,

Can you restore that affirmation of clarity,

Resting in the still clarity of awareness,

And this the movements of the mind.

And then momentarily to clear some space in the mind,

Rest your awareness upon the rhythm of the breath.

Resting in the simple knowing of when the breath flows in and when the breath flows out.

Resting awareness on the rhythm of the breath.

If your attention shifts away,

No problem.

Release whatever it is that pulls you away and come back.

Come back with gentleness,

With ease,

And still maintaining the sense of clarity.

And now with the intention to become more aligned with this quality of equanimity or even heartedness,

We'll rely upon our faculty of imagination and reflection discernment.

See,

Can we open the heart in a way that transcends any preference toward those that are near,

Any aversion toward those that are far?

Let's do this first by imagining to our left a group of individuals,

Could be small or large,

That you feel a natural affinity toward,

A group that you easily care for.

With this invitation,

See who comes to mind,

Who populates this group.

And don't worry if it's the right person or the right people.

Just see who naturally emerges.

And then imagine to your center as if they were sitting directly in front of you,

Group of people who we would consider neutral,

That we feel not a strong attraction or aversion toward,

But people we may know,

We interact with,

Maybe casually through shopping in the community or through peripheral activities,

People we may see walking or moving about.

Again,

See who naturally emerges knowing that the idea here is not to come up with a completely exhaustive list of all the people that would fill this category,

But a nice sampling.

And then with the people who are near to our left,

The neutral people at our center,

Imagine to your right a group of people for whom you may have aversion to,

The adversarial people in our life or someone who for one reason or another we feel is antagonistic.

It could be someone we just have a very constrained feeling of care toward.

And often when we think of such people,

We hold these categories as being very rigid,

As people being stuck as one and not the other.

But then consider from a broader perspective,

Were the people that are in this category of being near to us,

Have they always been near?

At one time maybe they were someone who was neutral or even someone who was antagonistic.

And likewise,

Sometimes you can see the neutral people move toward being close to us or people we didn't know one day,

The next day become a strong antagonist to us.

And also it's not impossible that people who we have difficulty with over time move into that neutral category or may even become close to us.

We find genuine reconciliation and friendship.

By considering this complexity,

We can see that it's not justified per se to hold these categories as being fixed and definite.

And then more importantly,

Can you consider any limitation?

Have there been times when those who we care for maybe do something that we didn't expect,

Maybe let us down,

And quickly our sense of care transforms into disappointment or hostility.

And our care is based on what we get from other people,

The comfort they bring them is very fragile.

And then the neutral category,

Is there any limitation in keeping a gap of indifference,

Not opening ourselves up to others?

What do we miss out on?

Do we miss the subtle enjoyment of connection?

Or maybe a more profound experience of true altruism?

And finally,

When the heart is constrained,

It requires effort.

And usually this effort is fueled by the passion of resentment or hostility.

But in the end,

If we really think about it,

Do those qualities of mind benefit us?

And despite the complexity of how our relationships change and the limitations of strong attraction toward those who are close,

Indifference to neutral people,

And aversion to those who are far,

Beyond these limitations,

If we look closely,

If we attend closely,

In all these three groups in mind,

We can see there's some commonality here.

We're all living beings who care to be happy.

None of us going out of our own way to be miserable.

If we can start to see a bit more what we have in common and drop the rigidity of these categories of people who are close and people who are a bit further than those who are furthest away,

We can consider extending a quality of evenheartedness,

Caring equally for others.

And consider that for yourself.

As you breathe out,

You may even invigorate a sense of care,

The care that flows easily for those that are close,

Extending that feeling,

What is it like to be deliberate and intentional toward neutral people or those who are far?

We've been averse to.

Extending this care on the basis that we're all living beings,

All worthy of care,

All responsive to care.

And breathing out,

Extending,

Any partiality,

The sense of care,

Those on your left in the center to the right,

Imagining for yourself this very open hearted expression.

Perhaps in this exchange that we brought together through reflection and imagination,

We feel something in the heart,

In our body.

If you feel a kind of equanimity welling up in the body,

Something that corresponds to this openheartedness or this evenheartedness,

Momentarily rest there.

If not,

Just continue to again breathe out and explore what is it like to send a sense of care toward those that are close,

Neutral and far?

And then we'll finish this practice right where we began,

Breathing out,

Relaxing through the body and resting in the natural clarity of awareness.

Letting the impressions of this practice naturally assimilate into the heart and mind.

And let's go ahead,

We'll bring our session to a close.