What's Your Attachment Style?

Listen to this episode of the Hearts Entwined Podcast as the host Lyn Smith talks to award-winning author and life coach, Fabienne Sandoval. Fabienne talks to Lyn about attachment styles, the ways in which human beings form attachments, and how these styles develop and can be managed to form healthier lasting relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to the Hearts Entwined podcast.

In this podcast we'll be having discussions around the secrets which attract lasting,

Healthy,

Fulfilling relationships,

Creating a healthy mindset and what women should know and understand about men.

Introducing your host,

Lynne Smith,

The Queen of Hearts,

Relationship expert,

Trainer,

Speaker and bestselling author of the Cupid's bow technique.

Lynne's mission is to have a positive impact in reducing divorce,

Domestic violence and suicide.

Welcome to the Hearts Entwined podcast.

This is your host,

Lynne Smith,

The Queen of Hearts.

And today listeners,

I've got a fabulous guest and her name actually starts with the word fab.

Fabienne Sandoval.

Is that spelled right and sounds right,

Fabienne?

That is definitely correct.

Yeah,

Fabienne Sandoval.

That's lovely.

It sounds quite an exotic name for somebody living in the UK.

Where does that originate from?

Well,

My first name is French actually.

My mum saw it on a movie credits and she just fell in love with it and she saved it actually for about seven years before I was actually born.

My surname is Latin American.

Right.

Okay.

That's interesting.

It sounds very nice anyway.

It sounded,

When I read it,

A lovely feminine,

Exotic name.

So you're very,

Very,

Very envied for having that such a beautiful,

Exotic,

Feminine name.

Thank you so much.

You're very welcome.

And now Fabienne,

Tell me a little bit about you and how you got in the industry to start with for the benefit of our listeners so they can get a feel for,

You know,

Who you are and what you do.

Yeah,

Sure.

So my journey has started around three or so years ago.

I was always kind of dabbling in life coaching and doing coaching and mentoring for kind of the prior 10 or so years before that.

And then three years ago,

I went through my Saturn's return,

Which was around my 28th birthday.

And during that time I had a complete shift in my life.

Everything transformed.

And I really learned how to go from going through a breakup,

Going through changes with like my diet,

Going through changes with my health,

Going through changes with my understanding,

My purpose and what kind of meaning I wanted in my life.

And I went through this whole transformation and really elevated my life.

And out of that,

I decided to write about my story,

Write about the Saturn's return.

And out of that,

I then just naturally followed a kind of a gradual progression whereby I wrote my story.

And then people were reading my story and asking me,

Well,

How do I change my life for the better?

How do I elevate my life?

What do I need to do?

And so I then launched a program,

A coaching program called Elevate.

And that really covers off a few different things around how we can live the best life ultimately.

Brilliant.

And then a couple of years ago,

I then stepped into more of the space around love because initially I was looking at things from more of a power perspective,

A purpose and power perspective.

And I realized there was this really this huge key missing ingredient,

Which was love.

And you know,

Love really has the power to change everything.

And that was when I stepped into my journey and started to do more teaching around learning how to love and that concept.

Wow.

I really like what you said,

Though.

So I'm assuming being a woman and picking up on what you said about Saturn's return,

That's to do with the planets and the position in the galaxy or the universe and how that impacts people here on this little planet Earth.

Exactly.

So Saturn's return comes around every 28 to 30 years.

And if you're lucky,

You will have three of them during your lifetime.

And they basically bring around a huge shift,

A huge awakening.

So Saturn is that planet that really is there to kind of help you grow.

And I definitely grew during that time.

And it really did force me to look at my life in a lot of different ways and make changes.

And at the time,

It was a very difficult time and very difficult transition.

But coming through that,

And I think for most people that experienced that kind of shift around that 28 to 30 years,

They always come out of it for the better.

So although the changes that may be happening at the time,

For me,

I had like a really treacherous break,

Break up with my ex,

But it was really,

Really meaningful.

And ultimately,

It put me in a place whereby,

If none of that happened,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

And so actually,

For all of that transition and all of that awakening,

And all of that stirring me up,

I'm actually very,

Very grateful.

And I think a lot of people that go through this,

They don't necessarily know it's their Saturn's return,

Especially if you're not interested in astrology and things like that.

But most people kind of have a bit of a,

Let's say,

A little bit of a meltdown when they're coming towards their 30th birthday,

Because obviously,

That's a big shift moving into another,

You know,

Different decade,

Of course.

Yeah,

And then a different period of our lives usually,

Isn't it?

Like you say,

It's quite a transition in time as it is from childhood to adolescence,

And then adolescence to adulthood.

Yes,

Exactly.

Well,

One of the key things you mentioned within that,

Fabian,

Was the learning how to love concepts.

And within that,

We were talking a little bit off air around your idea and what you teach around attachment styles.

And I got quite intrigued about what is this?

You know,

I hadn't heard of this concept before,

And I'm very interested,

And I'm sure our listeners will be interested in knowing what attachment styles actually means,

How many there are,

And learning a little bit more about what that is in terms of the way you teach it.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Definitely.

So for me,

Attachment styles were absolutely such a game changer when it came to love and understanding love,

And really positioning myself into a place whereby I could attract the right kind of love into my life.

So initially,

My journey with attachment styles started off by reading a book by Dr.

Amir Levine and Rachel Hellyer,

And they wrote a book called Attached.

And what that book talks about is the fact that there are,

According to science and the way that they look at attachment styles,

Which I'll get into,

Attachment styles basically are the way in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships specifically.

And so there are three different attachment styles.

You can either be secure,

Which I think probably is pretty obvious what it means from the word,

So you feel secure about relationships,

You feel comfortable.

The second one is anxious,

Which is whereby people are usually typically can get quite preoccupied with their relationship and then they worry maybe about their partner's ability to love them back.

They typically want a really deep,

Meaningful,

Intimate relationship,

But they kind of are fearful that their partner isn't able to give that to them.

And then avoidance style whereby people kind of feel as though if they are in an intimate relationship,

They're actually going to lose their independence.

And so they're always trying to kind of put a bit of a barrier between them and their partner so that they can continue to hold on to their own independence.

And so one of the really interesting things that I found,

And so just in terms of like statistics to help you understand kind of who sits in what category and the kind of stats around it,

50% of people are secure,

Which is obviously awesome for them.

But for the other 50%,

We have around 20% of people who are anxious,

We've got 25% of people who are avoidant,

And then the remaining percentage are in a kind of anxious and avoidant category whereby those two attachment styles are playing in those relationships.

And so obviously if you're from a secure attachment style,

That typically would mean that you've probably been brought up in a home whereby you feel very loved,

You aren't really questioning whether you were,

You know,

Whether you kind of received love and attention in a certain way,

You're quite comfortable with how you received that growing up and you haven't had necessarily anything traumatic to affect the way that you feel about how you're loved ultimately.

But for those of us that are more anxious or avoidant styles or the combination of the two,

Typically that can occur not necessarily from childhood,

But it can also occur from something that has happened that's traumatic.

So maybe in your life,

You might have grown up with a really loving family,

Felt very secure and loved at home,

But then later on in your time,

You may have had a really,

You know,

A really difficult relationship with someone whereby they were not treating you in the right way.

And that then changed your mindset and changed your attachment style to something that was less secure ultimately.

So that people can not necessarily stay in a secure attachment style then if that's previously been their attachment style,

They can sometimes slip into these other not necessarily helpful or beneficial styles.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Exactly.

And I think the point that,

You know,

The point to make is because for me,

When I first learned about this,

I realized that I had this deep,

Deep,

Deep craving to be in a really intimate,

Loving relationship with someone.

And I was really,

Really desperate for that.

And for me,

It made me realize that it wasn't my fault that I was in an anxious kind of attachment style.

It wasn't a problem that I was that way.

But having the understanding that that was my attachment style meant that I could then enter into relationships,

Romantic and otherwise,

In a way by where I had a deep understanding of myself.

And therefore I could figure out what was going to be beneficial for me and for my attachment style,

More importantly,

In terms of having a relationship or having a friendship with someone.

So typically,

If you're anxious,

You know,

It kind of the word kind of describes it,

You know,

You get kind of nervous or worried about things and you get more occupied about the relationship and how it's going and what's happening with it.

And you might be a really secure person in all other areas of your life.

But when it comes to love and intimacy,

That might be a place where that anxiety kind of flares up.

And if you're with someone or you're dating someone that's avoidant,

For example,

That's really going to cause a tug of war because you are going to be as an anxious person potentially wanting more intimacy,

Wanting more,

More love,

Requiring something more than what that style person can actually give you.

Because if you remember to what I said before,

Avoidant people,

They really want this independence.

And so in terms of when we're looking for love,

If you're anxious and if you're avoidant,

The idea is obviously that usually opposites attract,

Right?

But in this case,

With our attachment styles,

When the opposites attract,

It can actually cause us kind of a bit of pain and a bit of suffering in terms of being in a relationship with each other.

Whereby if we was to enter into a relationship with a secure person,

That secure person is going to be able to offer more to you.

So for example,

A secure person is going to be able to understand the anxious person more and give them more support and love where they need it because they're going to feel secure.

So they're not going to be feeling any kind of threatened or anything like that.

In the same way that if a secure person is with an avoidant person,

Again,

They'll be able to give them their needs.

They're going to feel secure.

So they're not going to feel worried that their partner might need more time alone or more solitude or to go do things by themselves.

They're going to be feeling secure within themselves and they're going to feel comfortable.

And actually it's said that if you are in a relationship with a secure person,

That will actually bring the relationship into a more secure place.

So that's just beneficial for everyone all around really.

So I suppose then the person that is that secure person can have a much beneficial impact on those that are entering into a relationship with them if they are entering into a relationship with,

You know,

From the anxious or what was the other one?

Avoidance.

Avoidance styles.

Exactly.

Because they're secure,

They're not really too worried.

You know,

They feel comfortable being close in a relationship.

They feel comfortable.

You know,

They don't feel like they're going to be abandoned or they don't feel like,

You know,

They're struggling if someone wants to get really close to them.

So they can really be very understanding of the other person's needs.

So being with a secure person is ultimately what ideally we should kind of be seeking.

But,

You know,

It's not a loss if you happen to already be in a relationship and you identify that maybe your partner is avoidant or anxious.

It just having the awareness of it is the key really.

And then you're able to do something different and able to understand it better.

Okay.

So if somebody,

Is it about educating people to be more secure or is it educating people to be understanding where they're currently at?

I mean,

If they are currently anxious,

Is it about understanding that anxiety or is it about educating them to become secure?

So ultimately,

They say that you can't necessarily change your attachment style.

Like for the long run,

Because it depends how deep seated that is.

So if you'd been,

Say for example,

You know,

You've been secure during childhood,

Then you have one thing that's changed your style.

That's kind of,

That's kind of with you because of that traumatic experience or because of the way that you were brought up.

So typically,

You're not going to necessarily completely change your style.

So it's more about understanding that attachment styles exist and understanding what attachment style you are and identifying what attachment style your partner is or the types of people that you date in order for you to have the awareness around it so that you can make better decisions in love or be more understanding to your partner.

And then ultimately,

With a view that with that understanding of where you are,

Help you to come to more of a secure stance.

It may not mean that you'll ever be fully secure,

But to move you closer to that.

Okay,

Interesting.

So do,

Does this sort of go right across both genders,

You know,

That you've got these same percentages?

Yeah,

Yeah,

Those percentages are covering,

You know,

Male and female.

Right.

So if you've got typically an anxious client,

What advice do you give them initially then Fabian?

So for someone,

So ideally,

With kind of any client,

I mean,

Specifically with an anxious client,

I would get them to do a relationship inventory.

So I would get them to go back over as many of their past relationships as they can,

The most recent ones,

Starting with the most recent ones,

And then look at all the things that triggered their anxiety from the relationship.

So that could be,

You know,

A range of different things.

Obviously,

It will be very different person to person.

I would tell them to start by doing a relationship inventory,

Looking at all the triggers in terms of the previous partners that you've been with and understanding what attachment style you've been attracting so far.

So for most people that are anxious,

They've typically been attracting those that are avoidant.

And then that is setting off their alarm bells,

Their internal alarm bells and triggering them to feel anxious in the relationship.

So when you do that inventory,

You can then get a better understanding and say,

Oh,

Okay,

Yeah,

Look,

These are all of my past relationships,

You know,

Say out of the last,

You know,

Three or four,

Three out of four have been with those that are avoidant.

Okay,

How can I then attract a partner that is more secure?

What things do I need to be on the lookout for?

And so yeah,

I would really start with having a deep understanding of what your romantic history has been previously.

And having definitely reading the book attached,

Because that is so very,

Very helpful.

And ultimately,

Understanding what things you need in order to help you feel more secure.

So having that kind of view of what's been going on in your past relationships is going to be able to help you to understand what you need from your future relationship,

Or potentially from your current partner.

So really understanding what the triggers.

So it might be things like when they go out,

But they don't,

They don't call you,

Potentially,

You know,

So then you if you're with somebody already,

You could say to them,

Look,

This is my attachment style.

This is kind of how I am,

I get a little bit more anxious about these certain things,

Maybe somebody else wouldn't,

But this is me specifically.

And so thereby,

It would be really great if you could do you know,

X or y,

And then asking your partner if they can help you out with that.

For me specifically,

When I met my partner,

I explained to him that I had an anxious attachment style.

And I was like,

This is really due to like the trauma that I had experienced with my father,

He left me a young age.

And so thereby,

It's a little bit more nervous for me when I feel a little bit more nervous when I get in relationships,

Because I have this kind of feeling that people are going to always leave me.

And I explained it all to him,

He totally got it,

He totally understood it.

And he wanted to help me with that.

And he's always been really kind of conscious of that.

But because we have the conversation up front,

He's actually never done anything to make me feel anxious throughout the duration of our relationship,

Which is kind of coming close to a year or so now.

So I think that yeah,

The first step is to do a relationship inventory.

Second step is to understand what the triggers are once you're in relationships.

And the third thing is,

Is when you meet a partner,

Explain to them where you are,

And ask them to,

You know,

Be sensitive to that.

Interesting.

And I think that,

You know,

When you first sort of get into a relationship,

It's key to have those conversations around what would help you because I think in the early days,

Especially your partner's more wanting to make sure they reassure you,

You know,

You have got anything that you are anxious about,

Aren't they?

You know,

If you make them aware that in the early stages,

They're more,

You know,

Typically like to think,

Why it?

Yeah,

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing that.

And I've took note and I'm going to make sure I implement that to make you feel safe and secure.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Exactly.

And I always think that,

You know,

The deeper that we know ourselves,

Then the deeper that we can,

You know,

Know,

Know others and have others know us.

So the more that you know,

Who you are,

The more you can share that with other people and then they can meet you where you need them to.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So in somebody that's got that avoidant,

Would it be the same strategy for the attachment to look at their,

You know,

Relationship history?

Yeah,

I would definitely say the same thing.

So look at their attachment,

Their,

You know,

Relationship inventory,

Go back over and figure out what the triggers are,

What makes them feel like they need,

Because typically avoidant style,

They really want to run away.

The anxious styles are running towards the relationship,

The avoidant styles are running away from the relationship.

So with the avoidant styles,

I would say to them,

You know,

Again,

Be aware of the triggers,

Because there's going to be certain things like,

For example,

You know,

Maybe when someone wants to spend the whole weekend together or something like that,

That might be a trigger for them to be like,

I need just time apart.

I don't want to be,

You know,

Spending as much time together,

Things like that.

Be aware again of what your own internal triggers are.

Figure that out.

I find journaling to be a really,

Really helpful way to kind of dig into those things and understand them.

But with the,

You know,

With the avoidant,

Again,

Yeah,

Definitely tell your partner upfront.

I think it's very important to share with them that your independence is really important to you.

And that is something that you value.

And by telling your partner that,

Then again,

They're aware of that.

So it doesn't matter who you've met,

Whether they're anxious or secure.

If you tell your partner upfront,

Independence is a really important thing for me.

It doesn't mean that I don't want to spend time with you or be with you,

But there's going to be times where I want to do things by myself,

Or there's going to be times where I'm going to want my own solitude,

Or there's going to be times where I need to kind of take myself away and have a little bit of space.

If your partner understands that,

Then I really feel so they can be more giving.

They can offer you more when they understand it.

I think that the issues always arise in a relationship when there's a lack of communication,

Because the person doesn't really understand where you're coming from.

So it's harder for them to give you that space or that solitude if they feel as though you've just taken yourself away from the relationship and you haven't shared that that's something that you need.

Yeah,

Because especially for an anxious person,

They'll perceive that as some sort of rejection of them,

Wouldn't they?

Absolutely.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And so that's the thing.

If the anxious person knows,

They're going to feel so much better.

And then they go,

Oh,

I just know that they always like to have space.

Or on a Sunday,

That's the day where they go and,

I don't know,

Play tennis,

For example,

You know,

And that's the day that they just want to take for themselves.

So I know I probably won't talk to them much that day,

Potentially,

They're going to then feel so much more secure.

So it's worth it for both partners to know where they stand and know what the other person needs.

So for somebody that's,

You're picking up that they are somebody that fits into the secure attachment,

What advice do you give to those people that are having relationship problems?

So for them,

There's obviously a little less work to be done,

Because they obviously feel comfortable being in relationships.

Usually,

The interesting thing is secure people typically aren't found on dating websites and things like that.

So they are a little bit more,

You know,

Hard to find,

Usually.

And so what I would say with those that are secure,

The chances are,

They're probably going to have less need in terms of struggling to find a partner and things like that,

Because they will just feel secure.

But for a secure person,

I would just advise them that,

You know,

If you do feel secure and being in relationships,

And you don't really find that you have much issues there,

To be consciously aware that there are these other styles out there that need maybe a little bit more of a helping hand and have kind of these different traits.

And so to be aware of that,

And to understand that actually,

You can make a positive impact on a person who has,

You know,

Maybe a little bit more of an avoidant style or an anxious style.

That's great.

So would you be happy to share your own experience of,

Did I pick up correctly that you said you know that your attachment style is anxious?

Yeah,

Definitely.

And how that's,

You know,

Impacted your past relationships?

Yeah,

Sure,

I would love to.

It's like I say,

For me,

It definitely was one of the things that absolutely just,

It just blew my mind when I found out about these attachment styles.

And for the women that I teach in my love workshops,

They are always so blown away when we talk about attachment styles,

Because usually it's their light bulb moment.

And so for me,

That was really what happened.

Like it was just my light bulb moment.

I come across actually a friend of mine knew that I was on this journey to love and knew that I was kind of devouring any kind of book,

Any kind of course,

Any kind of information around the subject of love.

And he suggested to me to read this book.

And he said,

Actually,

I think you're going to be an anxious style.

So well,

What does that mean?

So don't worry,

You'll read it and figure it out in the book.

And so initially,

It gets you to go through,

You know,

Like a little test.

And I was answering all these questions and finding that a lot of the things seemed a little bit too true for me.

And one of the things that I found was that they mentioned about how you may be and there's a specific story in the beginning of the book and it describes a woman and explains how,

You know,

She's got a life together.

She's usually really secure.

She's confident.

She's this,

That and the other.

But then when she gets in a relationship,

She pretty much just falls to pieces.

And that was kind of me,

Really.

I was really secure and happy and content,

Confident in my life,

In my work.

But whenever I got into a relationship,

It was like this imposter just came into cove for me.

And I just become a completely different person.

I've become not the person that I wanted to be in a relationship.

I was constantly worrying,

Is a person going to text me back?

If I was dating,

I was like,

Is this person going to text me back?

Am I ever going to hear from them?

I was just kind of constantly being consumed with the relationship and with what was going on in the relationship.

Would you,

Sorry to interrupt Fabian,

Would you describe some of that behaviour as being clingy and needy and desperate at times?

Well,

For me,

I think that I was quite lucky because I was secure in,

You know,

Other areas of my life.

I don't,

I wouldn't say necessarily.

I mean,

I guess we'd have to ask my previous partner that question,

But I wouldn't have necessarily said that they found me like clingy or like needy.

But I know internally,

I felt that way.

Like I felt like sometimes like I felt quite desperate,

Even though I maybe wasn't actually acting upon it.

I felt that way.

And it was really quite difficult place for me to be because I knew that I could be this secure person.

But I knew that the kind of feelings that I was having on the inside were just full of anxiety and just full of complete worry.

Like,

Worried,

Like are they going to just break up with me?

Worried that they're never going to text me back?

Worrying like maybe,

You know,

I'm not good enough for them.

And just having all of these kinds of worries and concerns popping up.

And it really just took over everything.

And of course,

Having that kind of energy in a relationship ultimately is never going to really end well because the part,

Your partner's going to feel it.

So even if I entered into a relationship,

That person was going to be feeling,

Going to be feeling all of those anxieties that I had,

Even if they were unspoken.

And so somehow they were going to be,

You know,

Kind of getting that sense from me that,

You know,

Maybe I wasn't as confident about the relationship or I wasn't feeling as secure as maybe they were.

So like I say,

When I read this book,

At the time I wasn't in a relationship,

But a light bulb just went off when I read this story of this woman.

And I realized like that was me.

That was me.

That was my entire history.

And then once I started to delve deeper into the different attachment styles and understand more about why my own personal attachment style was anxious,

I then just had just like,

It just felt like a breath of fresh air because I was like,

Oh my gosh,

I can finally breathe now,

Knowing like there's not anything wrong with me.

I just have had a more tougher experience in my life whereby,

Like I mentioned,

I've earlier,

My father left when I was 14.

And so he wasn't around.

And that was really,

Really difficult for me to deal with.

And that obviously is going to impact me in some way,

Right?

Like every action has a,

Has a,

Has an opposite.

So that was me then going from feeling really secure that my father loved me to feeling unloved by him,

Obviously when someone leaves you like,

Oh,

Walks out,

You're going to feel that way.

So because of what had happened with my father and because of all that pain and trauma that I had experienced there,

It was kind of no wonder that I was an anxious attachment style.

And it was no wonder that I was kind of always worrying internally that maybe my partner might leave.

I felt that I wasn't good enough because ultimately,

You know,

That's what had happened with one of the most significant relationships with a man in my life.

And so it's no wonder that that was then playing out in my romantic relationships.

But for me,

As soon as I had the knowledge and the awareness about attachment styles,

I was then able to make a change right away.

And immediately,

I,

Because this happened during my age of love,

As I call it,

Where I dedicated a whole year of my life to learning how to love and understanding the subject of love.

Then when I was going out on dates with people,

I was able to kind of assess them in a way in terms of what kind of style they were depending on how they were acting.

So I would be able to pinpoint just very easily like someone that was more secure,

Someone that was more avoidant,

Someone that was more anxious.

So if somebody waits like,

I don't know,

A week to text you back,

The chances are they're going to be avoidant.

If you go on a great date with someone and they don't text you back after three days,

Yeah,

They're probably avoidant.

If you go out with someone that's secure,

The chances are they're probably going to text you back quite quickly because they don't have a problem.

They don't feel the need to be hanging around or waiting around for,

You know,

To play some kind of a game.

If you're dating someone anxious,

They're probably going to text you all the time.

Potentially,

Like these are just some of the themes.

But then it was really easy for me to understand what kind of person I was dating and to understand like where actually if I met someone that was avoidant,

They were just going to flag up all my insecurities.

And that was what was going to be present in the relationship.

And that was what was,

I was going to have to be fighting back.

But if I met someone that was secure,

They were going to be helping me to feel secure every single day.

So for me,

I kind of made it,

I'd say more of a mission to,

You know,

Evaluate kind of the people that I was meeting and understand like,

Are they actually going to work with my attachment style?

And is it going to,

Is it going to help our relationship?

Are we going to be able to have a relationship whereby we can both grow within this?

Did you ever experience,

Was it mainly initially,

You know,

The relationships,

It didn't work out for you?

Were you attracting mainly those avoidant attachment styles or did you ever attract another anxious style as a partner or did that never happen?

So funnily enough,

I never attracted out of my own personal relationship inventory,

Never attracted an anxious person ever.

Typically anxious people never attract anxious people.

It's very,

It's very uncommon for that to happen.

All of my past relationships were mostly with men that were avoidant.

And with,

When I looked back over things,

Anyone that was,

You know,

Good for me,

That maybe I had potentially rejected or decided to stop going out with or something like that,

They were typically secure.

And the reason why I was probably like,

You know,

Saying,

Oh,

It's not,

No,

It's not the right thing is because with an anxious person,

Because they typically attract an avoidant person,

Because it flares up your attachment style and it triggers all the things inside of you,

It gives you this,

This rush,

Right?

This like adrenaline rush of are they going to text me back and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And you get into that phase of like,

You know,

Like kind of waiting,

Are they going to text me?

Are they going to text me?

And then they text you and then you get really kind of high off of them sending that message or calling you or going on that date or whatever.

And so because you're constantly going from kind of nought to a hundred and back again,

You actually have no idea of what it feels like to actually just be in a healthy relationship whereby things can be good and feel good.

And so because that feel good might will feel very different to what you feel when you're in a anxious avoidant relationship.

You most likely just say to anyone that you meet that's secure,

You kind of show them and go,

Oh,

The spark wasn't there.

Or,

Oh,

You know,

It wasn't the,

It wasn't exciting enough for me or it wasn't interesting enough.

It's because you've had such this,

This view of how relationships kind of could be or should be.

You don't really understand what it could be like to be in a healthy relationship ultimately.

Yeah.

I suppose you get conditioned to be in that or expecting that roller coaster ride of emotions rather than,

You know,

That's the stable ride of emotions,

Which can,

I suppose for some people feel quite boring.

And then you can,

Like you say,

You can think,

Oh,

Well,

Actually the spark's gone here.

It's not,

It's not,

It's not doing it for me anymore.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And for me,

That's what I had identified that I actually was so conditioned to think that love was,

You know,

Like you say,

Really good word there,

Like an emotional roller coaster.

I had no idea what it was like to be in a relationship where I was consistently being loved and the relationship was consistently good.

Now that doesn't mean that you don't have officially your ups and downs,

But typically your ups and downs aren't going to be,

You know,

Every single day.

And so because you get conditioned to feel that way,

Then when you actually have something that's healthy and,

You know,

Usually meet a secure person,

You just kind of put them to one side and go,

Actually,

Now that's kind of boring for me.

Yeah.

I can,

I can actually relate to everything you've said.

It's been really,

Really interesting.

Unfortunately,

Fabian,

We're coming to the end of time and,

You know,

It's a really fascinating subject.

So it's definitely,

I feel,

You know,

Something that we could probably delve into more around on another episode or,

You know,

Another area of your expertise,

Because I'm sure a lot of people listening to this will resonate and definitely be able to say,

Yes,

This is my particular attachment style.

And no,

That one definitely isn't or vice versa from what you've explained,

Because you've made it very clear,

You know,

How people fit into each one of those.

So thank you for that very clear,

Very concise view and opinion around these different attachment styles.

You explained it really,

Really well.

Oh,

Thanks so much.

Well,

I will give you the,

Because there's quite a lot of resources that people can find.

And so there's a couple of different questionnaires that you can do.

One's a kind of more introductory questionnaire to give you a kind of a quick oversight of which attachment style you are.

And then there's another one,

Which is a very in-depth attachment style questionnaire.

So I'll share those with you so that we can put those in the show notes so that if people are interested in learning about their own attachment style,

They can take those questionnaires.

Brilliant.

That would be very exciting and a lovely gift for the listeners there.

And also,

If any of our audience would like to get in touch with you,

Fabienne,

What's the best contact information you can provide?

Sure.

So they can go to www.

Fabsthoughts.

Com and on there they can find out all about the upcoming book that I will be releasing soon,

Which is called 30,

The Age of Love.

Fabulous.

Thank you so,

So much.

That's been very insightful.

I'm really grateful to have had you on this podcast episode,

Fabienne,

And sharing your wonderful bits of wisdom and insights around these attachment styles and learning how to love.

Oh,

Well,

Thank you so much for having me.

I've really enjoyed myself today and it's been great talking all about this.

Brilliant.

Well,

As Fabienne mentioned,

We'll make sure that those questionnaires are listed as links in our show notes.

So rest assured,

We'll make sure that our listeners have access to that along with her information and contacts.

So on that note,

I'm going to close the episode and as always with the famous words,

When it comes to love,

You need to have that open heart because true love starts with opening our hearts.

Until next time,

Goodbye for now.

True love starts with opening our hearts.

Reviews

Every window of insight helps us to see into and understand ourselves, those we love and the relationships we cherish. Thank you for this insight!

Amazing!!’ That was. Thank you so much. I needed that message right now (and through my whole past haha). So thank you for creating it

Wow, really insightful and helpful information, thank you ladies. Love and blessings 💙 x

Incredibly helpful to learn my attachment style and have an explanation for why I sometimes act/respond to the person I’m dating. 🤯 I’m an Anxious attachment style and typically date avoidance attachment styles.

Amazing talk! Thank you ❤️

Wonderful Interview & information