Conscious Relationships: In Conversation With Fabienne

Join Fabienne in this conversation about building conscious relationships. Fabienne explains what it means to be in conscious relationships, and how we can honor our committment to love and connection, even if we need to say no, or set boundaries.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to In Conversation with me,

Fabienne Sandoval,

Life coach,

Author and speaker.

I talk way too much so I thought I'd put that skill to use by sharing with you this series of conversations designed to expound your awareness and knowledge of becoming secure and empowered in your self-worth.

Meet Sam,

My OBM,

Wingwoman and literal can't live without.

We tried to break up once and it didn't work.

I'll be here to ask the juicy questions and help extract some of these powerful insights from Fabienne.

So let's begin.

And today we're going to be talking about building conscious relationships.

Okay,

So I guess what does it mean to build a conscious relationship and why is it important?

I really,

So for me on a personal front,

I love all things love and romance and relationships just all of the things and understanding how to do it really well.

And when I was writing my first,

But my second book,

Sorry,

Which was called 30,

The age of love,

It was really surrounded around understanding how to do relationships better.

And one of the things that I realized is so much of what we do in relationships is actually unconscious.

So we just kind of go through the motions with a lot of things because maybe we picked it up in our like family,

Like the household that we grew up in,

From our family members,

From friends,

From especially romantic relationships.

I feel like a lot of the time there's this kind of like consultation between friends,

Especially more on the woman's front around like,

What should I text back?

And what should I say?

What should I do?

And actually,

When you think about it,

Is that conscious,

Like you're really just actually looking for kind of external validation or external guidance and assistance on how to manage your own relationships.

So when we talk about the concept of conscious relationships,

This to me is really,

Really beautiful process because what we're actually saying is it is the commitment to coming back to love always.

And so that means if we're really conscious in our relationships,

We're conscious of always keeping the connection and keeping the love growing.

Whereas when you think about it,

Sometimes in our relationships,

Whether they're romantic or whether they are family or friends or colleagues,

Et cetera,

Are we committed to love?

Or sometimes are we committed to being right?

Yeah,

That's a good,

Good,

Good point.

So I mean,

How do you kind of cultivate that kind of self-awareness then to contribute to a conscious relationship?

So my favorite question with this is always like whatever situation that you're in is what is the most loving response here for them and for me?

So you're not putting aside your own things to be like,

I'm just going to be a really sweet,

Loving person,

Throw all my needs and preferences out of the window and people please this person.

No.

What is the most loving way of managing it for me and the other person?

How can I be the most loving here?

And sometimes that does require saying no.

Sometimes that does require being really honest about where you're at.

Sometimes that's a hard conversation that you have to have,

Et cetera.

It doesn't always mean just because we're being loving,

It doesn't mean we're being easy,

Right?

Sometimes being the most loving is doing the hardest thing,

But it's always that question.

Yeah.

So I guess it would come down to also how you would effectively communicate within that relationship.

So is,

Yeah,

Sorry,

There's a kind of a,

The questions are forming in my brain as we talk as usual,

But are there specific kind of strategies or ways that you can have this kind of effective communication?

Because it feels like that's what it comes down to.

Yeah.

So when,

So when we're talking conscious relationships,

I would say like,

It's conscious of everything.

It's conscious of my behaviors.

It's conscious,

Conscious of being conscious of my behaviors,

My actions,

My communication.

It's,

It's everything that we do.

And communicating is one,

Is one element of our relationship,

Probably quite a big element of our relationship,

But it's also a lot of things,

You know,

Our actions obviously are huge as well,

Because words are one thing,

But how do we follow through?

What is the integrity in what we say we're going to do?

And so there's a really big piece in,

In that as well.

So I wouldn't say it's so much about communication necessarily,

Although if you want to learn good communication tips,

We have another recording specifically around communication.

So take a peek at that for sure.

But when it comes to conscious relationships,

Like I say,

It's this commitment of coming back to love.

And it's also being extremely conscious and aware of what it is that you are doing in all of the moments.

And that I can understand can sound a little bit,

Um,

Maybe exhausting,

Right?

Well,

I have to literally be aware of every single action.

Um,

But,

But,

Well,

Yeah,

We do,

Right?

Like,

How am I showing up?

It's,

It's like the classic one that I think is always so interesting is we go and spend like eight to 10 hours a day in a workplace,

For example,

And you're polite to all your co-workers and you come home because you've had a bad day and take it out on your partner.

Is that a conscious relationship?

Like,

Are you being conscious there?

Like your partner literally did nothing wrong,

But they're the person that's in the,

That's like the available person to be in the firing line because you have emotions that you didn't deal with.

So the conscious element of relationships is,

Is more than just the communication.

It's,

It's also,

Like I say,

Actions,

Behaviors,

And more than that,

Because it's,

And how am I taking care of my emotions as well?

How am I showing up?

Am I just like,

Oh,

You're an easy person for me to just take my bad day out on and then be grumpy when I get home?

Or can I actually,

Having awareness and considering the fact that my commitment is always coming back to love,

Am I going to walk through the door after a long day,

A hard day's work and be grumpy and give them all of this kind of like energy,

That this work energy that isn't anything to do with them,

Whether it's like my partner or the entire family,

Or am I going to stop at the door,

Take a few breaths,

Sit in the car for an additional five minutes,

Listen to a good song?

Am I going to do something to shift my energy and my mode so that when I go in,

I can say like,

Oh,

Honey,

I'd love a hug.

I've had a really hard day.

And we're not,

You know,

Denying that,

But at the same time,

We're not giving the other person the energy of that too.

And I think that's also another element of being conscious.

And that's not just limited to our romantic relationships.

That's really all of our relationships.

How are we showing up?

It's having that mindfulness,

Isn't it?

It's having that kind of,

Like you say,

That conscious thought of how will this affect somebody else?

It's almost like a,

How would I feel if this was done to me?

Totally.

Yeah.

And as well,

Again,

You know,

Coming back to,

Okay,

What things do we look at?

For example,

You know,

At the end of our life,

We don't typically say,

I wish I had more bad days at work and come home and took it out on my partner.

No,

We're like,

Oh,

I wish I loved them more.

I wish I spent good quality time and I wish I loved the people in my life more.

I wish I was able to spend more time with them.

So,

You know,

Recognizing that as well is a really important element of this too.

So is there any kind of,

Again,

It's talking about the strategies,

It's quite a harsh word,

Strategies to put in place.

But,

You know,

You said about taking that moment before walking into the house after a bad day,

But is it having those sorts of things in place at regular intervals during the day?

Is it taking that moment to go,

Hang on a minute,

How am I acting?

How am I behaving in general?

I guess I'm trying to,

Is there something on a daily basis that you can build in to help build these conscious relationships?

Yeah.

So it really comes back to,

I know it sounds like such a simple question,

But if the idea of a conscious relationship is that we're committed to love,

We're committed to the most loving,

The most loving outcome,

Then that is the only question that you need to ask yourself every day.

Like,

Of course,

There's so much more to it,

Right?

And if you jumped into the coaching session on the inside,

Telling me about your relationship,

I'm sure that we could find many different things that we can do to improve the consciousness of that relationship.

However,

Ultimately,

If you really ask yourself from a really deep level,

How am I committed to love here?

And like I said,

Some of the time we just committed to being right,

Right?

We just want to be right.

And there's a great quote that says you can either be right or be in a relationship.

You want to be right?

Okay,

Great.

Do you want relationships in your life?

Because if you just want to be right all the time,

Is that going to work for everyone?

Likely no.

So the biggest thing that you can do,

And it sounds so simple and I get that,

It's like,

But what?

Just that,

That it really is just that,

How am I committed to love?

And so,

Like I said,

Imagine all the girlfriends together,

Like,

How do I text him back?

Or like,

How do I text them back?

Or what do I do?

And really,

It honestly comes down to what is the most loving response here?

Whether that's something easy,

Hard,

Like whatever it is that we're dealing with,

What's the most loving response?

So like,

Even for example,

Like that's just in the concept of everything,

Right?

I'm not coming into my relationships being a reactive person,

I'm coming in being a responsive person.

And that response is always directed towards love.

Now,

Of course,

We can't always do it perfectly every single time,

We're not looking for perfection,

But we're looking for a commitment to love.

And so I think the other part about,

You know,

Building conscious relationships is having the capacity to be able to speak up when we've done something wrong.

Like when we did something out of alignment with love,

And we realized that,

Being able to come back to it and say,

Oh,

You know,

I really let that situation get the better of me,

And I was super grumpy.

And,

You know,

We lost like two hours because I was being grumpy over that thing.

And,

You know,

I'm really sorry about that.

Shall we go and do something nice and enjoyable together now?

Or shall we go and,

You know,

And so it's like the recognition as well of being able to own what's going on.

And so again,

That becomes the most loving,

Most conscious response.

Because like I say,

You can't always be perfect,

Right?

We all have emotions,

We all get triggered by things,

Stuff comes up,

You have a bad day.

But it really is how do I handle it with that commitment to love,

Wanting to be open,

Wanting to be vulnerable,

Wanting to have love always at the forefront of my relationship.

But does that work the other way around?

So if you're being open to it,

And I'm doing everything with that at the core,

How does that work when you feel that somebody is not doing that or behaving in that way to you?

How would you work with them to build a conscious relationship with you?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So again,

Great question,

Right?

Because just because you're showing up wanting to build conscious relationships doesn't mean everybody can meet you there.

And that's also part of also building conscious relationships,

Right?

That recognizing that some people don't desire that,

Or for whatever reason,

There's things that are getting stuck in the way.

And so I would say,

You know,

Attempting to build a conscious relationship with another person is about having definitely having that honest,

Vulnerable conversation.

I feel like our relationship is in x place,

I would really like us to get to y place.

How do we work on this together as a team?

However,

If you are in a relationship,

That you're just putting in all of the work,

Then of course,

That's just a single sided relationship,

Right?

There isn't any there isn't there isn't a relationship there.

It's a one person relationship.

So it isn't the back and forth.

And so I think as well,

That's why I say,

Sometimes the most loving response,

It could be to leave that relationship,

It could be to end that thing,

It could be to,

It might be you might be in the midst of some kind of a tiff or a conflict,

Ending the call might be the most loving,

Conscious way of dealing with that in that moment in time,

Right?

Not saying slam the phone down and hang up on the person.

But letting the person know politely,

You know,

Hey,

I'm tapped out right now.

And I don't feel like I can have a productive conversation with you.

I'm gonna like exit the conversation,

Because I feel like that's what's most,

Most powerful for us right now.

And I'm gonna give you a shout back in a couple of hours,

Right?

So,

Again,

Like I said,

It's not always just about love and love and love and lie and fluffy,

Fluffy.

No,

It's actually quite hard to build conscious relationships,

Because we are required to do hard things.

And we're not pushing things under the carpet.

We're not pretending that things aren't happening.

We're actually addressing really our relationship.

And so yeah,

Inevitably,

Sometimes those relationships might need to end.

I think that's the kind of misconception as well as as soon as you say,

Doing something from a place of love,

You automatically go towards the hearts and roses and pretty pinks and isn't everything wonderful and almost like you end up doing yourself a disservice.

But you think it is just that fluffy when actually,

If you're doing something like say,

Out of love,

You are having you are having hard conversations,

You are saying,

Actually,

This isn't working.

Yeah,

I think that I think that's something that I've learned,

Talking to you over the past few weeks is that as soon as you say the word love,

People automatically assume the hearts and the fluffiness and the almost,

I'm not certain,

But kind of almost like letting yourself be walked over because it's being done from love and happiness and fluffiness,

But it's not,

Is it?

It's quite a core,

Harsh,

Not harsh,

Hard thing at times.

Absolutely,

Yeah.

And so like,

For example,

I'll say something really controversial,

And people are going to be like,

You can't say that on building conscious relationships,

You're not allowed.

Like,

That doesn't sound like a conscious relationship.

However,

For example,

Like,

For example,

One of the most like conscious relationships I had,

In the way that it ended and everything finished,

I actually blocked that person.

Now,

Do I still have like,

Love for them?

Do I still care for them?

Do I still like feel,

You know,

Do I still have like a good feeling towards them?

Yes,

Absolutely.

But I blocked them because it was a necessary part of the healing process moving forward,

Right?

It was my healing,

Loving thing to do.

And for yourself,

It's having that strength to do it as well.

Absolutely.

And it was loving for both people.

And the other person,

Maybe in the moment,

Might not be able to see that,

Like,

That's not loving for me.

But actually,

It can be as well,

Right?

Because it depends,

Like,

If you're like,

You know,

Excuse my French,

But like,

If you're doing it with a fuck you and block you and like delete you out of my life,

Like,

Okay,

That's not probably very conscious,

Right?

But if it really is from a conscious perspective of,

We've closed the door on this relationship,

It's not,

It's not working,

We don't want to be together anymore.

So you don't need to also continue to allow access to people in your life that you that are no longer in your life,

Like you're,

You have permission to do that as well,

Right?

It's not toxic.

If you block someone,

It's all about like the intention and the consciousness of how you're going about that and what you're doing.

And for me,

You know,

Like I said,

This person in question has many ways to contact me,

Like,

It's not as if,

Like,

It's like,

I've completely like X them out of everything.

But it really was the most loving thing to do.

And so I know that,

Like I said,

That'll be really controversial.

Let's see what comments come in from me saying that.

But I do think it's important to like,

Not just stick with just,

Oh,

We're fluffy,

And we're light and love and spirituality,

Because,

You know,

Like,

It's the highest power and I don't know,

Like,

Actually,

Sometimes we do have to make really hard decisions in love.

You know,

All relationships end whether we like it or not.

Right.

And so the reality of it is sometimes they do end and they end in a certain way.

And,

And,

You know,

We need that space.

So we need that,

That ability for healing.

And it is really important.

And so,

Yeah,

I think that we need to,

Like I say,

Is it,

Are you doing it from the most loving place that is loving towards yourself and loving towards them?

And if you are,

Right,

And you can see that,

Yes,

This is the most loving thing,

Then sometimes the hard decision is also,

You know,

Necessary as well.

I think we could probably talk about this for a lot,

Lot longer,

Fabienne.

But is there anything within Insight Time that you have for anybody wanting to find out any more about conscious relationships?

At this moment in time,

While we're recording,

No,

There is not anything on there.

We did,

We were looking at holding a,

Like a live workshop.

So sorry,

Not a live session,

But a workshop.

And we didn't end up getting to go through with it.

So I do need to go around and build some more content out on this.

This is really a starting point for us.

But definitely,

There's a lot more to share in terms of the process and the concept and like how we can do it really,

Really well.

So keep your eyes peeled because there's always new things coming on Insight Timer.

And of course,

You can always attend my Wednesday live session.

And we have a session coming up in a few weeks time.

So always make sure you check my live sessions and see,

Because usually it's a topic that we are discussing frequently and often.

That's brilliant.

Thank you so much again.

Thanks,

Sam.

Reviews

This was helpful and pleasant. Thank you so much teacher