Scattered Minds: ADHD + Intimacy

This talk is for people with ADHD who struggle with intimacy, desire, or staying present during sex. We explore how ADHD impacts attention, emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, and nervous system patterns—especially in erotic contexts. You’ll gain language and insight to better understand your responses, without shame or pressure to perform.

Disclaimer: This isn’t a guide to having “better sex” or being more desirable—it’s a space for reflection, nervous system awareness, and learning how to meet your erotic self with curiosity and care.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Sexual Healing for Scattered Minds.

Today we are going to be talking about ADHD and the struggles that come with it sexually.

So this talk is for people who have ADHD that are also struggling with their intimacy,

Their sexuality,

And of course how their nervous system is interwoven into all of these things.

This is especially helpful if you've been wondering why sex either feels like it's too much or it's just not enough.

We're also going to explore how ADHD impacts desire,

Attention,

Emotional regulation,

And erotic confidence.

We'll walk you through common patterns like rejection sensitivity,

Hypersexuality,

Sexual shutdown,

And of course sensory dysregulation.

All of these things are jam-packed just so that way you can actually understand what's happening in your body rather than blaming yourself for it.

Now before we get started I just want to talk about what this talk isn't.

It's definitely not going to be a talk about how to be more desirable or performing better in bed.

This is actually about learning your patterns,

Meeting your nervous system with honesty,

And reconnecting with desire on your terms.

So the talk is broken into a few key themes.

We're going to start with ADHD and how it shapes your erotic development and then we'll explore rejection sensitivity,

Coping extremes,

Sensory overload,

And what healing can realistically look like for a scattered brain.

So let's dive in together and starting with ADHD and the erotic self.

So if you don't know already I am an individual living with ADHD and if you have ADHD you know that living with it doesn't just impact how you work or you organize your life.

We know that it changes how you connect with people and for many of us that includes how we've grown into our sexual sense of selves.

Now some of us rushed into sex way before we were ready which was kind of more or less chasing stimulation or approval while others stayed away from it for so long that you know they forgot that they even wanted it.

And some of us have learned to chase intensity just so you can have that sense of feeling alive and others have chosen to avoid intimacy altogether because it feels like one more thing that they'll just get wrong.

But underneath it all there's a quiet question that usually sits there.

Is something wrong with me?

Well that question can follow us for years especially if our early sexual experiences were messy,

Confusing,

Or just full of misattunement.

So before we go any further let's just take a moment to pause and let's pause and reflect.

What stories has your brain been told about your body and are those stories actually yours?

Now if you need more time with this take a moment to pause and take a breath and just drop in a little bit deeper.

Otherwise we're ready to move on to how rejection sensitivity affects the bedroom.

Okay so let's name one of the most common yet misunderstood dynamics in ADHD is rejection sensitivity.

So RSD is very real it's not just being too sensitive it's the experience of having a nervous system that lights up like an alarm at even the smallest hint of disconnection.

So you ask for sex and your partner says not tonight and suddenly your brain just spirals.

They don't want me,

I'm too much,

I should have known better.

Yes I know I've been there.

You might even stay silent during sex even if something doesn't feel good just to avoid seeming needy.

Or you pull away emotionally before anyone can pull away from you.

So in that moment it might look like crying after sex,

Shutting down mid-kiss,

Or over analyzing a simple maybe later for hours and you might wonder why is this hitting me so hard?

Well the answer is because your nervous system is working overtime to keep you from feeling unwanted.

So let's take a moment right here okay and just notice what happens in your chest as we talk about this.

Now if you need more time with this I encourage you to pause the audio right now and spend more time deep diving into that feeling that's coming up for you.

Otherwise we are going to move on to the next topic of feeling like you're too much or you're too little.

So when your nervous system lives in a constant state of alert it adapts right?

So some people with ADHD swing into hypersexuality where sex becomes a form of regulation and yeah sometimes it's getting that dopamine hit,

That closeness,

The reassurance that for a moment that you're wanted and then others tend to shut down where the idea of sex feels exhausting.

There's just too much stimulation,

Too many unknowns,

And there's too much pressure to just get it right.

I'm just here to remind you that both of these are valid responses.

While one speeds one up to cope,

The other one slows everything down.

But neither is wrong and neither is shameful.

I just want you to gently tune into yourself to see where you fit on this spectrum.

Now of course you know the drill,

If you need more time with that go ahead and pause otherwise we're moving on to sensory overload and erotic dysregulation.

Okay so sex is sensory right and for people who have ADHD sensory input can either heighten desire or shut everything down.

So maybe like touch feels irritating instead of erotic,

Maybe you're mid-sex and a sound outside the window completely pulls you out of your body,

Or maybe you dissociate and your brain goes elsewhere,

Or maybe you just suddenly want it all to stop even if it was going well just a minute ago.

I'm here to remind you that that is not disconnection,

That is dysregulation.

Your nervous system has tapped out of the window where pleasure lives.

So if you want to know what overstimulation might look like,

Here are a few ways.

One is irritability during sex,

Two is wanting to stop without knowing why,

And three is losing access to words or touch when things get intense.

But on the flip side,

Understimulation can be just as disruptive.

Listen I know you love your partner and you want to feel close but your mind just wanders,

Your body feels numb and you drift off midway through.

That doesn't mean that you're broken,

It just means that your body needs different conditions to stay present.

So let's take a breath here and sit with some self-reflection What helps your body feel more here during intimacy?

What overstimulates you and what bores you?

Now knowing this power is so important because it lets you build intimacy around reality,

Not performance.

And that brings us to the part where people love to skip over,

Which is what healing actually looks like for the brains like ours.

But before we continue,

I just want to make sure that you have that permission to pause and spend more time with those three questions before we continue to our next topic.

Okay so let's be real,

Healing ADHD is not about becoming more focused or suddenly feeling quote unquote normal.

It's about learning your own rhythm.

Healing can sound like asking to slow down,

I need to move or stim during this,

If I drift off just tap me back in and let's keep things novel but safe please.

All in all,

Healing looks like knowing what you want and asking for what you want without feeling like you are too much.

Healing might also mean building a sensory friendly place where there's soft lighting,

Less noise,

Weighted blankets and some clear but firm boundaries.

It might mean saying no without justifying it and it might mean initiating something new,

Not because you think you should,

But because you finally just want to.

So of course I have another self-reflection question for you.

What does sexual safety actually feel like in your body?

Now I encourage you to pause the audio and spend as much time as you'd like with that question otherwise we are moving on to the gift of co-regulation because of course you don't have to regulate everything alone.

So when someone holds space without fixing it,

When they breathe with you and when they witness your nervous system instead of correcting it,

That's co-regulation.

That is what I would call medicine and it can happen in bed,

It can happen with a hug,

In shared silence and even here in this moment if you're letting yourself be met with this talk.

You deserve that kind of connection even if you're still figuring it out,

Even if your attention strays and even if you don't always know what to ask for.

So okay we've covered a lot today and maybe you feel a little bit more seen than where we started but if no one's told you this lately that your erotic self is not too much,

Your mind is not a problem and your way of feeling is not shameful.

You are wired for intensity so be who you gotta be but also you're wired for depth,

Play and presence when given the right conditions.

Thank yourself for listening and come back to this whenever you need a reminder that there is nothing wrong with how you connect,

You're just learning how to do it your way.