When I Take Care Of Myself I Feel Guilty

In occasions when we need to take care of ourselves, we refuse to do it because we feel other matters or people need our attention and care more than we do. We tend to feel guilty for attending to our needs and somehow try to convince ourselves that we will be wasting our time if we take some time off. During this talk, we will explore the origins and the function of “Guilt” as well as what is the antidote to deal with it. It lasts around 20-25 min. At the end there is a meditation of around 10 min.

Transcript

There are times when we need to take care of ourselves,

But we refuse to do that giving priority to other matters or other people.

And although certainly working to pay the bills,

Doing housework,

Or taking care of the kids is of utmost importance,

Being in good health is a requirement to be able to do all those important things.

But why do we do that?

Why do we deny ourselves a moment of rest when our body or mind or both ask for it?

The immediate answer would be it is because we feel guilty.

Whenever we think about or actually take a short break from our responsibilities,

For some reason guilt arises,

And we start to feel that we shouldn't take that break because that would be a waste of time.

The problem is that this type of behaviors have very negative effects in our immediate wellbeing and at the long run it may greatly affect our health.

But why do we feel guilty and how can we change that?

Ok,

Let's explore this emotion because only understanding something we will be able to efficiently work on it to regulate it.

Guilt is a complex emotion that is part of the self-conscious emotions similar to shame,

Pride or embarrassment.

Different to the non-basic emotions such as fear,

Sadness,

Anger or happiness,

Which main goal is to help us survive,

The self-conscious emotions such as guilt or shame are important at the social level.

Guilt is a negative emotion but this doesn't mean that it is bad to feel it because despite being negative it has a very important function in our life.

It helps us to live in harmony with others and keep good and meaningful relationships with those around us.

Guilt is a social emotion that is actually experienced in private but once we have felt it,

It has prosocial effects.

It allows us to learn from our mistakes when we have harmed others,

Motivating us to apologize and modify our behaviors to make amendments when it is possible.

Each time we make an amendment,

The feeling of guilt is reduced.

The behaviors we develop through guilt are directed to satisfy the needs and wishes of those around us without us expecting to be rewarded for it.

Guilt has essentially two components.

One is the affective component,

This means how we feel,

And the other is the cognitive component,

This means what thoughts come to our mind during this emotion.

When we feel guilty we experience a painful or unpleasant sensation accompanied by self-blaming thoughts.

These thoughts or beliefs are related to what we think we did wrong and our responsibility for the negative outcomes of a certain situation.

The strength of these beliefs will depend on how we evaluate ourselves according to our own values.

Guilt is universal.

In general we are born with the capacity to feel guilt,

Although we might have learned to express it in different ways.

Guilt is a complex emotion that seems to originate from the combination of two sources,

Empathy and exclusion anxiety.

We have an innate capacity to feel empathy for others.

We are able to understand and relate to others' pain and suffering.

This reaction is stronger for people meaningful to us.

Now,

It is also part of human nature to feel anxious about the possibility of being excluded or rejected by our social circle.

If these two things come together in the right conditions then guilt will be felt.

For example,

Our best friend is really upset because of a problem at work.

Normally we are able to relate to this type of situations,

We can clearly understand our friend's emotional state and of course we would like to support this friend during this time.

But then,

Let's suppose this problem was caused by an unintentional,

Unfortunate comment we made.

Once we realize about the bad outcome of our behavior and the effect on our friend,

We start to feel anxious because we fear that due to our mistake,

The continuation of our relationship may be at risk.

At the same time,

Imagining the suffering of our beloved friend causes pain with the added fact that it was caused by us and then we feel guilty.

There are two types of guilt.

One is the reactive guilt,

That is the one we feel after a situation has already happened and we feel responsible for the negative consequences.

The other is the anticipatory guilt.

This is the one we feel when we think about a situation that has not happened yet but we foresee that our future actions can have harmful consequences.

The discomfort caused by this type of guilt is lower than the reactive guilt because we haven't done anything wrong yet.

And this type of guilt is the one involved in our initial hesitation to put ourselves first,

Rather than others.

Anticipatory guilt,

As the name implies,

Has a preventive function because we get the opportunity to modify future actions that we believe will end up hurting those we care about.

This type of guilt is very appealing to us because each time we act based on our anticipatory guilt,

Modifying behaviors we think will bring negative consequences,

Our sense of self-control and self-efficacy increases.

We are exposed to feeling anticipatory guilt in normal day-to-day interactions.

We are often confronted with situations when,

Regardless of how we choose to proceed,

The result always would be negative.

This can happen in two ways.

When we want to please everyone but that is not possible,

For example,

We may get caught up in a situation where we need to choose between supporting one friend or another,

Or when we want to please ourselves but at the same time we want to please someone else,

But this is not possible,

For example,

When we want to attend to our needs or desires but also want to satisfy those of our partner.

The combination between anticipatory guilt and the conflict we have when wanting to satisfy our needs without disappointing those around us takes us one step closer to understanding why we deny ourselves a moment of rest when our body or mind long for it.

This is a very common situation in which our sense of responsibility towards others clashes with our honest intention to fulfill our needs.

Although our common sense friends and external parties may advise us to simply put ourselves first,

We don't do it because actually the process to decide in our favor is not a straightforward process.

When we are in a situation as such,

Before making a decision or proceeding,

Almost in an automatic way we evaluate at least the following five points.

First we will check if our actions will cause suffering or discomfort and how much.

Second we will think if there are other ways to proceed to prevent any negative outcome.

Third we will think about our level of responsibility if anything bad happens.

Fourth we will consider if our intended actions are careless and or unjustified.

And fifth we will check if our intended actions are in agreement with our values and principles.

Apart from all these five previous points,

External judgment may also play a role.

When we think that people important to us will blame us for any negative outcome coming from our actions,

Our discomfort and level of self-doubt increase.

Recent research has shown that our decisions and actions are heavily influenced by guilt.

And guilt-induced behaviors can be observed in all types of relationships,

Family,

Work,

Friends,

Etc.

A typical example to illustrate how the previous points are evaluated is the case when parents struggle to follow medical indications to rest in order to aid health recovery.

In an almost automatic way they go to each of these previous points concluding the following.

First resting will cause a lot of discomfort to their kids and partner.

Second there are absolutely no other ways to follow doctors' advice without affecting them.

Third they will be fully responsible if anything bad happens.

Or since that is the case,

They feel that resting to recover from their illness is careless and unjustified because their kids and partners are really important and need to be looked after.

And fifth they conclude that taking a rest makes them bad parents and partners because they would be selfish putting their needs first rather than the needs of the family.

After this it makes it easier for parents to make the decision that it is best to ignore doctors' recommendations and focus on family matters.

However things don't stop there because once we have reached the conclusion that the best option is to attend to others' needs first rather than ours,

Acting accordingly causes reactive guilt.

Because although taking care of those we love is very fulfilling,

The fact that we have made a conscious decision to ignore our discomfort,

Pain or needs when we should have done the opposite causes more pain.

This selfless behavior that dictates that we should put others' needs first rather than ours has been learned.

We have been taught that it is not correct to think and act upon our needs first because those are signs of selfishness and that instead we should always attend to others' desires and needs first because that is an act of love.

We fail to understand though that taking care of ourselves is also an act of love,

Of self-love and self-compassion.

If we are healthy emotionally and physically this will be reflected in the quality of the interactions we have with others.

Whenever we feel well and happy it is in our nature to wish and help other people to feel the same.

During that feeling good period we have the right conditions to assist others so they can achieve a similar state.

However if we are not feeling well either physically or mentally our capacity to provide well-being will be limited because our judgment,

Emotions and behaviors are determined by the interaction of both body and mind.

Just think about it,

When we have a headache or any other type of body pain it is normal to be more reactive and less patient due to the tension and discomfort we feel.

During these times we tend to have more encounters with people close to us for silly things and this is due to us not feeling well.

But what can we do to deal with this type of selfless anticipatory guilt?

One of the best antidotes in this type of cases is the practice of self-compassion.

Compassion is the wish we have that others are free from suffering and self-compassion is the wish I have that I am free from suffering.

Compassion has two components.

One that we recognize that there is suffering in the other person or in us.

And second once we have recognized that suffering we wish to free the other person or ourselves from that suffering.

Being compassionate with others is very easy because it goes in line with what we have been taught during our childhood.

While being compassionate to ourselves is a less familiar practice that seems to go against to what we have learned so we show some resistance to it.

When we think about self-compassion it is common to associate it with meditation.

However a wide collection of self-compassionate acts are available to us throughout the day.

These include how we talk to ourselves,

What and how much we eat,

How many hours we sleep,

The amount of TV or internet time we consume,

Or what type of information we feed our minds with.

These simple examples are great opportunities to be compassionate.

The practice of small daily self-compassionate acts could help us soften our guilt each time we need to give ourselves the treatment we require whenever a situation seems conflictive to us.

Besides there are what I call the three compassion steps we can take to help ourselves to proceed compassionately in a situation in which we find difficult to put ourselves first.

The first compassionate step we can take is to reflect about our views regarding responsibility but we should include ourselves in this equation because certainly we have responsibility with those we care about but we are also the main persons responsible for our well-being.

The second self-compassionate step is to accept the situation without further judgments.

When we are confronted with a selfless anticipatory guilt situation we need to accept that things are as they are and we can't do much to change it.

We can however choose how to respond and here is where the non-beaten judgmental comes into play because once a decision has been made and we are sure we will act according to that decision it is of little use to continue evaluating if we chose the right option.

If in this occasion we decided to put ourselves first we need to accept it without further elaborations.

And if tomorrow we decide in favour of others a similar non-detrimental approach should be applied.

Avoiding constant evaluation of what we should or shouldn't be doing will lessen the sense of guilt because our thoughts will be less negative.

Finally the third self-compassionate step is to actually act according to our needs.

If we have difficulty in making this possible then we need to be creative,

Focusing on what we can do and not on what we can't do.

When acting from a compassionate place stress is reduced and new views and ideas can arise.

We should always try to work towards a set of arrangements that support our needs.

For example if a parent cannot stop taking care of the kids one way to compensate this trying to minimize the energy spent in other non-essential duties,

Focusing strictly on what is necessary so that there is some possibility to open some space for self-care.

I know it is easier said than done but having a proactive attitude allows us to see possibilities we didn't see before because of our own negativity.

Aside from daily home practices meditation is another tool available to us.

It helps us grow and strengthen our self-compassionate muscle.

So let's do a short practice.

Sit comfortably with your back straight,

Shoulder relaxed.

Keep an alert and dignified posture.

Close your eyes or keep them partially open as it feels more comfortable for you.

Become aware of your body.

Visit your posture.

Breathe slowly and deeply three times.

Feel visualize or imagine the air coming in and going out and with each breath allow the air to help you feel more relaxed.

Continue breathing normally.

Try to avoid any judgments or thoughts about right or wrong.

Bring to your mind a situation in which you should have put yourself first but you didn't.

If you have several just select one.

With the situation in mind pay attention to the people involved in the situation.

Connect with emotions that drove you to give them your time and efforts.

That was a beautiful act.

Connect with this energy of generosity and love.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine that this energy full of love,

Generosity and goodness is filling all the space.

Now look at yourself and connect with emotions you felt during the situation.

In a gesture to show your wish to help heal this pain or discomfort put your hand on your heart and tell yourself I recognize the suffering and I wish to help heal the discomfort and pain.

Slowly and deeply breathe in.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine that the energy of love that is surrounding you,

The one you share with others is coming in,

Filling all the inner space,

Soothing you and comforting you,

Healing you inside out.

And when you breathe out,

Feel how any remaining discomfort is being released.

Repeat these two more times.

Now,

To reinforce our intention to open ourselves to self-compassion,

Let's offer ourselves a compassionate prayer.

I will give you an example but you can choose the words that better resonate with you.

Try to make this prayer meaningful,

Really feel it inside so it becomes powerful and healing.

During this lifetime,

May I be an active architect of my happiness and wellbeing.

May I recognize with wisdom and fairness my responsibility in situations around me.

May I accept that when needed,

It is fine for me to be first.

During this lifetime,

May I treat myself with love and compassion.

And from this self-love and self-compassion may my actions benefit others.

Now it is time to come back.

Take a deep and slow breath,

Allow it to help you connect with your body.

Feel the space around you.

Feel the air.

Listen to the sounds.

But before opening your eyes and finishing this practice and this talk,

I would like you to remember that setting boundaries,

Attending to your needs,

Making time to rest and taking care of yourself are not acts of selfishness,

They are act of love,

Of self-love.

Now whenever you are ready,

Open your eyes.

Reviews

Thank you for this talk. It is a reminder that it is my duty to make the time to take care of myself because only when I am healthy of mind, body, spirit, and emotions, only then am I able to be wholly present for my family and their needs.

Wonderfully wise

Thank you Eqness🙏🏻this is something I can revisit many times. It is a very important message. Namaste🌻Robyn

Clear, informative and well paced. So interesting! I will listen again. Grateful thanks 🙏🏻

Very helpful information and clarity on this subject. Your pacing and voice was easy for me to follow along with. Thank you for sharing! 🙏💜✨ I plan to re-listen to this 😊

What an incredibly transformative practice. I have always felt guilty about putting myself first not realizing how destructive that was to my growth. I realized that I need to practice more self-compassion and less self-judgement in my life.
Thank you for really exploring why we feel guilty as well as why we need to dispel the thought that putting our needs first is selfish. I will keep coming back to this.
Namaste ♥️🌈💗🙏🏼

Very valuable information, THANK YOU so much for helping me realize that I am my own priority, in able to care for others..
You helped me understand the difference between guilts, how to manage them, as I make a decision.
Taking care of myself, will also teach my kids to love and care for themselves, braking the pattern I learned as a child.

Again, thank you
I look forward to learning more with your valuable information.

insightful. I could relate to the examples. thank you