Understanding Self-Blame And How To Deal With It

Blaming ourselves for everything bad that happens creates a lot of pain and suffering and it is a major obstacle to our happiness and wellbeing. During this talk I will talk about the painful process of self-blame, will give 5 tips to deal with it and at the end we will have a self-compassion practice.

Transcript

Hi there,

This is Olga Lucia from IKUNES and today I would like to talk about self-blame.

This is a very important emotion because not paying attention to it fits other difficult emotions and open space to negative behaviors that are very bad for our well-being.

Self-blame is a moral self-directed emotion that appears when we believe that the negative consequences we are experiencing are a direct result of our actions or our personal traits.

Self-blame is a form of guilt and as with all negative emotions the purpose of self-blame is not to make us miserable.

It has an important function that is to prompt us to modify unhelpful behaviors that cause unwanted outcomes.

And as it happens with other emotions that are difficult to us,

The problem is not the emotion itself but how we interpret the emotion and how we handle it.

According to science there are two types of self-blame.

One,

Adaptive and a maladaptive.

Adaptive self-blame focuses on the behavior of the person.

This means the person feels guilty because she or he believes that her actions caused unwanted or painful results.

But although she blames herself for whatever happened,

She understands that behaviors have consequences and that she has the power over her behaviors and actions which give her some sense of control over the situation.

Therefore,

In adaptive self-blame we feel pain when we think we fail to act appropriately and this discomfort is a motivator to correct our behavior.

In this way we learn and avoid making the same behaviors in future.

In the case of maladaptive self-blame the person thinks that things that are going wrong are due to her or his characteristics and these characteristics,

The ones she has since she was born,

Are unmodifiable and stable.

It is also known as characterological self-blame.

This means the person really feels guilty because she believes that all these things bad that are happening to her are due to her characteristics and or her qualities or flaws.

From this perspective the person feels that there is no way to control the situation or future events because her traits are unchangeable.

As I said before,

It's something like I was born like this and this is never going to change.

And because of that belief there is no intention from her part to make changes which causes suffering,

Feeling of helplessness,

Hopelessness,

Anxiety and depression.

When we are experiencing self-blame we tend to hold a negative view of ourselves which can deeply affect our self-image and definitely our self-esteem.

And depending on the type of self-blame we experience,

Adaptive or maladaptive,

It can be detrimental for our psychological well-being.

Of course,

We are talking of situations when this self-blame prolongs our time,

When we are in this cycle of self-blame and we are not able to get out of it.

Now,

What can we do to make this situation better for us?

You can take notes and reflect.

I'll give you five steps to deal with self-blame.

So the first one is emotional non-judgmental awareness.

Being able to acknowledge that something is happening and recognize it or identify it is key to deal with any difficult emotion.

It will be very difficult to address self-blame if we don't know that we are experiencing it.

Once we have identified,

It is important to pay attention to it and not judge it.

This may seem like a silly step but the truth is that some people are not able to recognize their emotions.

I have had some clients that the only emotions they name or they recognize are anger,

Sadness,

Fear,

Happiness and if you push them they will say disgust.

They are the basic emotions but apart from that it's very difficult for them to recognize complex emotions.

So this is a very important step.

Ask yourself,

Do you know when you are feeling self-blame?

Can you identify it?

Can you know what expression it has in your body,

In your mind,

In your heart?

So this is your first homework.

Now the second step,

Acceptance and self-compassion.

When we identify the situation that is difficult,

That is painful,

We may want to get rid of it because the pain we feel is so uncomfortable but when we reject what is happening,

When we reject our emotions because they are uncomfortable,

It only increases the suffering.

Then it is important to willingly allow the pain to be there because otherwise we will be pushing and pushing just to try to make it go away but we are just making it bigger.

This simple action of allowing it to be there decreases our suffering.

Why?

Because we drop the struggle,

We stop the fight.

We are not only fighting with the situation but we are fighting with our feelings,

Our emotions,

Our thoughts.

We don't want to feel that way,

We don't want to think that way and then we just complicate things.

It is important then to have a compassionate attitude,

The one that is towards finding comfort for ourselves to minimize the suffering despite this storm.

In this case,

We don't only allow the pain to be there but we open space around it.

We breathe into it,

Give it air and we take care of this wound while the situation is evolving.

This is a powerful practice in which our aversion to this negative experience fully dissolves.

The third step is to explore and reflect.

When we have open space to this pain and we can't see it without being judgmental about it,

We can reach this point of inner calmness where we can explore what is happening inside ourselves and around ourselves.

We can ask ourselves,

What is my focus on this experience?

Am I thinking that the cause of these negative outcomes was due to my unskillful actions or my personal traits?

If you reach the conclusion that it was due to your traits and personal characteristics,

I am not going to challenge your view because I am not sure that will be helpful or I will reach any good point.

But I would like you to reflect on the following.

Every trait is manifested through actions and every action can be changed.

We can always learn to respond differently.

This is not a fake it until you make it.

I can learn to respond in a healthy,

Useful way even if I feel like I want to do the opposite.

Remember,

We don't have to act on our emotions because they feel strong.

Strong doesn't mean real.

Here,

When you are behaving in a healthier way,

You will experience that after you have done this new,

Healthy,

More useful response,

The consequences will be more positive.

So,

Learning to respond in a healthier way is just a sign of our self-growth.

We can always learn to do things better.

It does make us emotionally intelligent and compassionate.

Now,

The fourth point is to find the value behind.

The pain you feel is related to something important to you,

Otherwise you wouldn't feel pain.

Reflect on that.

What is this self-blame telling you?

What is this blame showing you?

Now,

The fifth step is to plan a corrective value-based action.

Based on what you learned in the previous point,

What can you do to live this important thing?

What action can you take that will give a different outcome to the one you are carrying?

As we said before,

The pain you feel is related to something important to you,

Otherwise you wouldn't feel that pain.

Then,

If things were going as you wanted or expected,

What actions you would be doing?

How would you behave?

Now,

Keep in mind that the cycle of self-blame perpetuates due to expectations.

Expectations that we have about ourselves,

Or the ones we believe others have of us.

Then,

Here appears our inner critic,

Making things more difficult.

It is important to address this during our reflections to make the process of dealing with self-blame easier.

Let's practice.

This is a self-compassion practice.

Then,

As usual,

Comfort is very important throughout the exercise.

If at some point you feel that you need to move to be more comfortable,

Feel free to do so,

But trying to do it gently and always mindful of the movement.

Let's start by finding a comfortable posture,

Sitting upright in a dignified posture,

With shoulders relaxed and chest open,

Chin slightly down,

And whenever you are ready,

Close your eyes.

Pay attention to your body,

And feel your breathing.

Take three slow and luxurious relaxing breaths.

With each inhalation,

Create space inside,

And with each exhalation,

Allow the body to relax.

You Gradually start to connect with the intention that brought you here to do this exercise.

Most likely,

This intention reflects your desire to give time to yourself,

To give some moments of self-care,

And of course,

To let go of self-blame.

Now,

With this intention in mind,

As you breathe in,

Slowly say to yourself,

As I work with new challenges,

Breathing out,

May I let go of expectations,

Breathing in,

As I work with new challenges,

Breathing out,

May I let go of expectations.

Notice your expectations.

Expectations may be a simple goal.

Allow them to come to present in front of you.

They may come in form of a phrase or image,

Phrases such as,

I should have done this by now,

I shouldn't have done that.

Once you have them in mind in front of you,

If you have several,

Breathing in and select one,

And when you breathe out,

Let go of that expectation.

The idea here is not to get rid of it,

But to decrease the emotional load that we put onto this expectation.

We allow them to breathe.

We allow them to flow.

Sometimes we also use unmet expectations against ourselves.

Notice if this is your case.

If that is the case,

With the in-breath,

Engage with these unmet expectations,

And let them go with the out-breath.

Continue breathing in a soft and relaxed way and stay connected to your breath.

Let's create some inner space.

Take one deep and slow luxurious breath,

And with the inhalation,

Say to yourself,

As I sense my intention to care for myself,

Breathing out,

May I let go of self-laying.

Repeat this three more times,

Really feeling this intention of caring and letting go.

Inhale,

As I sense my intention to care for myself.

Exhale,

May I let go of self-laying.

Exhale,

May I let go of self-reliance.

Once more,

Connect to your breath,

And notice your inner space.

Notice if there are traces of self-blame or self-criticism.

Notice any stubbornness of not wanting to fully let go.

If that were the case,

Just hold that in attention with kindness,

Not trying to be where you are not.

Simply let it be there,

And notice how tight your grip is,

And allow to open space with the in-breath.

Breathing in,

Say to yourself,

As I sense my limits and my abilities with kindness,

Breathing out,

May I let go of impatience.

Repeat this three more times,

Really putting loving and compassionate energy into it.

Breathing in,

As I sense my limits and my abilities with kindness,

Breathing out,

May I let go of impatience.

Breathing in,

As I sense my limits and my abilities with kindness,

Breathing out,

May I let go of impatience.

Notice what does it feel like to respect your own rhythm,

Letting go of extra pressure,

To take the step that is possible at that moment,

Without any rush.

Notice how it feels to let go of impatience.

Now bring your attention to your breath and notice the quality of your thoughts.

Take one deep and slow relaxing breath,

And at the end of the exhalation,

Notice your body.

Pay attention to the sounds and space around you.

You can start to move,

I'll repeat side to side,

And slowly,

Slowly open your eyes.

Thank you.

Reviews

Had a deep connection with the instructions

Very nice! Thank you!

Thank you!