Taking Care Of That Broken Heart

Feeling pain is part of the normal response to a break up, but, How much more extra suffering are we adding to that pain with our behaviors and response to this situation? This is a short talk dedicated to this topic.

Finally, to mention that Acceptance and Self-Compassion are essential to get through this painful period. It is also important to keep in mind that although it seems far away, as any other painful break up that happened in the past, this will also pass.

Transcript

When we are experiencing the end of our relationship,

This is very painful and even more if we didn't want this relationship to end.

The pain we feel is very real and in neuroscience this is called social pain and there is evidence that when we feel it,

It actually activates brain regions that are part of the physical pain system.

So this pain is not symbolic or imaginary and despite all the suffering we go through when we are having a breakup,

In many occasions we increase this pain with the way we respond to the breakup.

Each time we want something that we fail to get or keep,

In this case the person we love,

It will bring with it a lot of pain,

Discomfort and difficult emotions.

But this has a purpose.

One of the key emotions we feel during a loss or a breakup is sadness and sadness has two functions.

One is to signal people around that we are feeling bad and we need some support and help.

And the second one is very,

Very important and it is that it will help us to adapt to the new situation.

When we feel sad,

We have the tendency to come inside ourselves,

To reflect on what is happening.

It is an invitation to give ourselves space for reflection and it allows us to modify and adjust our thoughts,

Our beliefs and our behaviors to the new reality that is without this person.

Sadness helps us to disengage from our desires,

To have something that we can no longer have.

It can be a goal,

A person or a job or anything we desire but it is out of our reach.

Being sadness implies that we will be thinking over and over again about this situation that is causing us pain.

This is called rumination and this is very normal.

It can be healthy if it helps us to move forward.

But the problem is that very often we tend to focus on what we had and all the memories from the past that were nice and all the plans we had for the future that are no longer possible and then we get stuck on this type of appreciations and we are not able to move on.

Here we enter a cycle of negativity and this is a very dissonant behavior because actually we don't want to feel pain but in doing this we keep just adding more fuel to the fire and then we make this pain bigger.

Of course this doesn't mean that we need to change things immediately and feel happy and make like nothing happened because after a breakup as in any other loss there is a natural response to it and this is called grief and this is required for us to move on.

However every person experiences this grief in a different way and they respond different and therefore the duration is also different then there is no one correct way to respond to a breakup.

But there are healthy ways to respond to it.

When we want to move on several things need to happen and I'm going to mention three of them which I consider are very important.

One is that we need to allow the pain to continue its path.

This means we don't interfere with it,

We don't make it bigger as we mentioned before with our thoughts we just increase the pain or we don't try to rush it for it to happen quickly and then we make it shorter or we push it away because we resist to it because we don't want to feel it.

So any of these three things making it bigger or rushing it or resistant to it just makes it bigger and makes it stay longer.

So we need to allow things to have their normal natural rhythm and just allow it to be accepted and allow it to be this pain.

When I'm talking about acceptance the second thing we should try to do is to accept as soon as possible that we are experiencing these laws because the sooner we accept the new situation the sooner we will start to rebuild our lives.

So we can rethink and modify the direction of our goals that are now different to the ones we had before because our partner is no longer with us.

So we need to build these goals and these new plans based on the new situation we have.

And third it is very very very important that we stop investing our energy in things that are not for us anymore that are out of our reach and then we can use this energy to work on viable things for us and use it for our own benefit and satisfaction so that we use it to reach to achieve some peace of mind and heart.

Each time a relationship ends is because some things or many things were not working and those things that were problematic become bigger and heavier than things that were nice in the relationship.

This is like when we have a car and then it starts to fail and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and then we need to take it to the mechanics.

And depending on the problem and the cost we will leave it there to be fixed or we will have to throw it away and if we are fortunate we can afford so we will replace the car immediately and if we have not we have to just throw it away and accept that we will be without a car for a while.

Similarly happens in different aspects of life.

Each time we have a problem it needs to be fixed and of course if we don't do it it will just become bigger and bigger and bigger.

Each time we work on a problem it will require a lot of time,

Effort and decision making.

In terms of a problematic relationship it is always helpful to have clear if putting energy into it is really worth it because if deep down we know that the person we want to be with is not the right person for us because his or her values,

Goals and feelings are incompatible to ours or out of sync then investing energy trying to repair things doesn't make any sense because in any case nothing is going to work out at the end.

Now there is also the possibility that this person is the right person for us but right now is not the time or the conditions are not the right conditions for the relationship to flourish.

So to have this clear is not only important for the person that is making the decision to quit but also for the person who is left behind because understanding it and embracing it will help the healing process to be smoother and probably shorter.

As I mentioned before and as we all know after a breakup sometimes we make the pain bigger due to the way we respond to it and sometimes this pain we feel is so strong that to calm it down we try to contact the other person to negotiate the establishment of the relationship without doing the previous exercise to think if the changes needed for the relationship to improve are possible and at hand.

When we do this for a moment of weakness to feel better today what we are doing is sacrificing our tomorrow's happiness and general well-being.

Each time we lose something we also win something.

Although painful we learn from this experience and in this case we have the opportunity to evaluate our choices and our life values and also we can check our expectations and observe if our beliefs and behaviors need some restructuring for it to be better and have a better and more positive outcome during our next relationship.

If after feeling this painful experience we don't learn anything from it and we continue doing exactly the same things and choosing exactly in the same way then most likely our next relationship will find the same end.

If we encourage ourselves to respond in a healthier manner avoiding increasing the pain and focusing on learning from it of course we will still feel pain but it's possible that the process will be shorter because we will not be interfering with the natural process of this grief that we are feeling.

Once we have a calm situation we will feel stronger,

More confident and in our minds things will be clearer so that our next relationship will have more chances to be a more positive and long-lasting experience.

Let's do a short exercise where we will explore the current situation.

During this practice we will be asking ourselves some questions to have clear in our mind why things are as they are right now.

This is needed when we want to move on and stay centered.

This is just an example and you can work on it later in a more detailed way.

I hope this practice is helpful for you.

It has been helpful for me and for some of my students.

If you have paper and pencil it's fantastic you can answer just your questions and write them down immediately or you can do it after the end of the exercise.

So let's start.

Sit comfortably.

Find a very comfortable posture.

With your back straight and body relaxed.

Chin slightly down.

And if you are ready and you are happy to do so close your eyes.

If you prefer to leave them open find a spot on the floor to focus on.

Become aware of your body.

Notice your posture.

And notice that you are sitting and not lying down or standing.

Now notice your breath.

Take three deep and slow breaths.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine the air flowing in and out.

Notice how the fresh air coming to your body expands and creates space.

And allow the air coming out to release all tension in the body.

Come back to the natural rhythm of your breath and stay connected to it.

Bring to mind the situation that is causing you pain.

Try to do this as an observer avoiding any criticism or judgment.

If at some point you feel too much discomfort come back to your breathing.

And whenever you feel better and you feel ready come back to the exercise.

If today this is too much for you just let it be and if you want you can come back to the exercise another day.

I will start doing some questions and for now just answer yes or no without buts.

And then reflect for a moment on your answer.

Some of the questions may feel obvious but it's important to do them because it helps the heart to see things clearer.

Please be as honest as you can.

Take one deep and slow breath.

And think if in general this relationship was satisfying to you if you were happy as it was.

And then reflect on your answer.

Now think for a moment if just before the end of the relationship it was harmonious.

And think about the reasons.

Was the relationship as it was causing you,

The other person or both of you pain or some discomfort?

If it was why was this the case?

If it was why was this the case?

As it is right now without doing any changes in yourself or the situation if the relationship were going to continue would it be different or the better?

What would need to happen for it to be better?

Do you think these changes are available right now or they will require time and effort?

Now let the questions and the answers go.

Take a deep and slow breath.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine how the fresh air flows through your body.

Then continue breathing normally.

Now try offering yourself or that part of you that is hurting some kindness and compassion.

I will give you some examples but you can select the phrases that better resonate with you.

Make these phrases powerful as if saying them they will heal you inside.

Repeat them three times.

If you want you can place your hand on your heart or over that place that you consider your center.

Take one deep and slow breath and during the inhalation say may I be filled with love and healthy love.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine love coming to you,

Filling you inside and all around you.

And during the exhalation you can say may I be free of unnecessary suffering.

Visualize,

Feel or imagine all this extra pain and all this extra negativity being released with the air going out.

Raise you hand if you are here.

Thank you.

Now come back to your body.

Feel your posture.

Feel the space around you.

Feel the space around you.

And if you have your eyes closed,

Whenever you feel ready,

Open your eyes.

I'm going to close with a praise by Victor Hugo.

Even the darkest night will end,

And the sun will rise.

Thank you.

Reviews

Very interesting questions in that exercise, that help me have a different view of my present situation. Thank you.

I’ve been in pain for 8 months now due to a very painful breakup that I just can’t seem to get over. Thank you for some insight and healing. Much appreciated. ❤️ 🙏🏽

Thank you for sharing this. The exercise was very helpful for me. I will come back to it.
Be blessed