Mindful Parenting - Emotional Regulation

In this talk, we discuss the importance of our own work of emotional regulation in being a mindful parent. We explore stories from your childhood that may be affecting your ability to mindfully parent your children. The talk includes personal stories and examples as well as practical tips.

Transcript

Emotional regulation as a parent is key because you cannot stay regulated when your kids are not regulated and they're kids.

They're often not regulated,

They're learning and they need us to be those models of what it's like to have a present emotionally regulated adult in the room.

So our own work of regulating our own emotions,

Our own self,

Our own thoughts and feelings is really important.

Another thing that gets in the way of this mindful parenting is how we were raised and I gave you an example about that with cooking.

It could be a gazillion different answers.

Going back to the baseball example,

Maybe you grew up and your dad was your coach and would just yell at you every time you made a mistake and so you feel tense when you're playing that sport with your kid.

It makes perfect sense.

Of course you do.

You hold that trauma in your body.

You haven't released it.

You haven't let it go.

You haven't processed it.

It's really important that we do our own work.

It can also be our fears and this one comes up for me a decent amount and that is just fear that I'm doing something wrong as a parent or I should have made a better decision or am I making the right decision.

The reality is is we're gonna mess up and we're human and we're going to do things every now and then that do hurt our kids but there are things that you can do which we'll talk about in just a minute that helps basically not only resolve that situation but build intimacy between you and your kid and also model for them what it looks like to say I'm sorry.

So like you're gonna mess up but I do think as parents we have fears.

We want to keep our kids safe and we have a deep desire to protect our kids and if we as adults can often see things a lot more clearly than they can obviously because we have more experience and our own fears can get in the way of our mindful parenting because we have these tiny humans that are running around and they want to play they want to explore and they have a mom or a dad maybe that's freaking out and it's like oh slow down don't do that don't do this don't do that you're just instilling panic in them and anxiety and the truth is this really has nothing to do with your kids.

This has to do with you.

There's something inside of you that you have to look at and work through.

The other part is being in our own minds being in our own heads being too busy like if we're with our kids the whole point of being mindful parenting is being with our kids and it is better if you only spend 10 minutes per day mindfully with your kid then if you're with them eight hours a day and you're checked out the whole time.

So I encourage you to find ways where we can be mindfully present with your kids.

Phone in the other room,

TV off.

You're not thinking about the next thing you need to do.

You're grounding in the present moment with your kids and just letting them be.

Letting yourself be.

It'll truly be a blessing for all of you for the entire family.

An experience just come up in the last couple of days that I'll also share.

It was really hard for me to play with my kid and I can see it now in hindsight in both being able to remember what my childhood was like and I was by myself a lot like I was playing in my room by myself a lot or playing video games by myself a lot and I have a lot of memories playing with like friends from the neighborhood right but I don't really have a lot of memories of playing with my parents.

I was raised in an environment where play had to be restricted or rule-based or it had to be done a certain way like there's just a lot of control around it or I was playing by myself and so it was so hard for me to sit down and play with my daughter and I couldn't figure out why because like I wanted to like I wanted to sit down especially when she was younger and just play with her and I found it so difficult and she wanted me to play with her and I just could not do it I could not do it because I realized and again a lot of work a lot of self-reflection asking what was coming up for me because it has nothing to do with her I realized it was because when we went to play I felt like I had to do it right or do it a certain way and I was on edge or guarded waiting to get in trouble for not doing it the right way and so it's like my poor little girl inside of me was like one I don't know how to do this I'm massively uncomfortable to you adult Nicole you haven't given me much space to play so I don't want to even do something that you're disapproving of and then three my daughter wants me to play and I want to play but the little girl inside of me is so sad and upset because she didn't have that she needed that and didn't have that and so it's a lot to work through and it's taken a while but now I'll have like little dance parties with my kid like let's just turn on music and freaking dance and you know what there are some days when it may only be for five minutes or there are some days when she may ask for a dance party and I don't have it in me and I have to say no and that's me honoring myself what my feelings are in that moment because I've learned that when I sacrifice what I need and myself over and over and over again she doesn't get what she needs for me anyways and so if I'm giving myself what I need then she's able to get what she needs and I'm able to be in the present moment without it triggering me so that I can be there for her.

So I hope that provides some examples and clarity and I would encourage you to look at those things in your own life.

So when you want to get started and being a more mindful parent the first thing you have to do is own your own work in terms of your own emotional regulation,

Your own triggers,

Your own things that come up within you when you're trying to parent your kid.

That's not their job to fix it's not their job to nurture you that's your job to work through and if you need help to work through that get professional help.

There's nothing wrong with that for a season.

Get the professional help you need.

There's no easy path here you have to walk through your own hard stuff and then become curious about your responses.

I wonder why I reacted that way to my child.

Clearly something came up in me.

I wonder what in me is coming up that needs loved because that's what happens when those things come up in you the little inner child in you that's upset it just needs loved.

It needs seen.

It needs you to hold space for it.

It needs to be loved.

What needs loved in me?

And then try to pause that gives us that two seconds to come up with a different response.

Also make sure you're getting the self-care you need.

Are you getting your own you time?

Are you getting rest?

Are you getting sleep?

Are you drinking enough water?

Are you eating healthy?

That stuff's all important.