Getting Your Needs Met And Asking For What You Need

This track starts with a short talk on why it can be hard to ask for what we need, followed by a guided meditation/journey to uncover what gets activated within you when you wish to say "no" to honor your needs.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Miriam Rosely of Energetic Pathway,

And today we're going to talk a little bit more about getting your needs met by asking for what you need,

And then we're going to do a short guided meditation to help you uncover what may stand in the way of you advocating for yourself and asking for your needs,

Especially around those that you love the most.

So as we get started,

Let's go ahead and take a couple of deep breaths in through our nose,

And then out through your mouth.

And one more,

Making sure that in your inhale,

You're filling your belly up,

And on the exhale that your exhale is longer than your inhale.

When we breathe like this,

We remind our body that we are safe,

And as we exhale longer than the inhale,

We're calming our nervous system down.

It's a very gentle regulation tool that I use all the time and can do a lot of wonders at helping your body settle,

Even if you don't even know you're activated.

So now that we're a little bit more here in the present moment,

Let's talk a little bit about asking for what we need,

Why it may sometimes be hard for us to do that,

And then some practical tips that we can start using to ask for what we need in safe places so that we can start seeing slowly over time that it is safe.

It is safe to ask for what we need,

It is okay to have needs,

And it is okay to try to get those needs met.

So I know a lot of people,

Myself included,

Grew up in childhood environments where we were taught to ignore our needs,

And so sometimes what that may look like is being in a family that was just too busy and always going from one thing to another,

And therefore instead of stopping and realizing what we need and asking for it and being taught those tools,

We're instead just told to stay busy to mask it.

And that can manifest in adulthood by being addicted to work,

Being unable to sit still,

All those things.

And then another thing that can happen is our caretakers may not be in their own bodies,

May not be present,

And may not know how to meet their own needs,

And therefore as a little child,

When you ask for what you need or you try to express your needs,

You are either met with silence or you are met with being told things like,

Well,

Just get over it,

All of those unhelpful words that basically get instilled into our mind.

And then as we're adults,

We don't ask for what we need.

These words are,

Of course,

Going through our mind,

And these become scripts that we tell ourselves innocently because they were passed down to us.

The truth is,

It is incredibly important that we're able to ask for what we need,

And it's important to understand that your needs are not too much.

You are not too much,

Your needs are not too much,

And asking for what you need is your right.

Now,

There may be times when you ask for what you need and the other person says,

No,

I can't give that to you,

And that's their right,

That's their decision,

That's their choice.

But that doesn't mean anything about you,

And 99.

9% of the time it isn't even about you,

But you being able to ask is really important.

In my own life,

That's been a journey.

I've had to slowly over time start to ask for what I need in safe spaces,

And I used to be terrified to do that.

I remember sending an email to one of my therapists asking for an extra session,

And upon hitting send,

I was literally shaking head to toe,

I was terrified of the response.

I know where that comes from,

I know that comes from the trauma of my childhood,

I know that comes from the trauma of my marriage that I was in for 11 years,

And at the same time,

I have seen time and time again that when I'm in safe places and I ask for what I need,

And my needs are met,

It starts to rewire our brains.

It starts to change those pathways,

And so now when I need something,

I ask for it.

And if the answer's no,

Then I go somewhere else and I ask for it again,

And it's not always easy,

Sometimes it's difficult to do that,

But it's really important.

And when we do things like this,

Even though it's hard,

We start to shift our own lives,

And more importantly,

We start to get our needs met,

Which then allows us to better help meet the needs of others around us.

So let's do a little bit of a guided meditation or a journey to kind of find out what happens within your body that stops you from asking for what you need.

So go ahead and take a deep breath,

And if you're sitting,

Feel the surface below you,

The surface that is under your body,

And if you're standing,

Feel the soles of your feet and where it connects to the floor or the earth.

And just be present here for a minute in your body,

And as any thoughts come in,

Just look at them in your mind's eye,

Acknowledge them and let them keep going.

Don't attach to them,

Don't judge them,

Don't even try to push them away,

Just notice they're there,

And then return back to feeling the sensations of the surface below you,

Or focusing on your breathing if you prefer,

Or even just listening to my voice and the sounds going on around you.

And I'm going to ask you a series of questions while you're in this more relaxed state,

And all you're going to do is not make a story about any of it,

You're just going to pay attention to the first thing that comes to your mind,

And if you're able,

Where you feel it in your body.

So the first scenario,

I want you to imagine that you're in a situation where someone's asking you to do something that you need to say no to.

Maybe they're asking you to go to dinner,

But you've already had like a really insanely busy day and what you really need to do is go home and rest,

Or go read a book,

Or go have some solitude.

Or maybe it's a boss asking you to add one more thing to your plate,

And you really don't have any space or capacity left to do that.

Whatever situation arises,

I want you to first try to notice what thoughts come up when I tell you to imagine saying no to them.

Maybe it's I can't do that,

Maybe it's they'll think I don't like them,

Maybe it's they'll stop wanting to hang out with me,

Maybe it's like I just don't do that,

I put everyone else's needs before mine,

I don't do that.

Or maybe they'll be upset with you,

Or if it's a boss that's like I'm not allowed to,

Maybe they'll fire me.

Just wherever your head goes,

Don't judge it,

Just notice,

Or just noticing.

And then I want to see if you can trace that feeling that starts to arise within you to your body.

Maybe your throat starts to get tight,

Maybe your stomach starts to hurt,

Maybe you can feel your jaw clenching,

Just trying to keep you from saying those words no.

You may feel tension in your shoulders or your neck,

Just pay attention to it.

And if you feel like you want to label that feeling,

You can,

But it's not necessary.

Wherever that spot is,

If you can reach it,

And if you're able,

I'd like to invite you to take your hand and place your hand on that spot of your body.

And take a deep breath in,

Allowing yourself to connect to this area of you that gets tense when you're using your voice to tell someone else no.

And if you feel comfortable with it,

I'd like you to ask that part of you,

And we're just going to trust the first thing that comes into your mind,

Because there's no right or wrong answers and there's no room for judgment here.

Ask that part of you,

What do you need from me in those situations when we're using our voice to help you feel more comfortable?

And then just listen.

You may see an image,

You may hear,

You may just know what is needed.

A recent situation may come up and your mind may be showing you a different way,

A way that would have felt safer.

And your mind and body may even tell you to stay away from a certain people or certain places.

You don't have to act on any of it right now.

Right now we're just listening.

And asking that part of us what it needs in order to feel safer.

If you feel connected to this part of you and you want to ask it some additional questions,

I'll go ahead and give you the space to do that now.

And if not,

You can just keep your hand on that part of your body and gently just tell it that you hear it,

That you're listening.

Thank it for trying to protect you.

May even ask it if it has an age.

A lot of times these parts of our body that tense up,

They feel very young.

This part of your body may want you to apologize to it for putting it in awkward positions or for not using your voice enough,

For not asking for what you need,

For putting others before you.

And if so,

And if it feels resonant,

Then offer it an apology.

And if it feels true,

Remind that part of you that you're here now and you're listening.

And if it's a younger part of you,

It may need love.

You may imagine that you're offering it a hug.

Don't get upset if it decides it doesn't want to give you one right now.

Maybe it's mad.

It's frustrated.

And if so,

Just witness it.

Witness the anger and frustration.

And maybe it's sad or hurt,

And if so,

Just witness that too.

Everything is welcome here.

This is an example of you holding space for yourself.

Just go ahead and start taking a deep breath in and then back out through your mouth,

Thanking this part of you for the wisdom that it has given you today,

The fact that it's shared with you.

We're going to gently start to reenter back into our bodies and into the room and start focusing on the breath going in through your nose and feeling the sensation of the breath cleaving through your mouth.

And then gently start to wiggle your fingers and your toes.

You may welcome a stretch here if your body feels like it needs one.

And then when you're ready,

If you've had your eyes closed,

You can go ahead and open them to return back into your space,

Taking a minute to just look around and notice the familiar items around you,

But staying in this relaxed space.

And now that you have a little bit more information about what you specifically,

You as an individual,

Your body needs in order to feel safer when saying no,

When using your voice,

When asking for what you need,

I encourage you to start slowly putting that into practice,

Slowly and in safe spaces.

So maybe what that looks like is you go to get your nails done and you need to get up in the middle of it.

And normally you would sit there and you would just stay there while they're getting your nails done.

But you realize you really need to get up and you really need to go to the bathroom.

And you're still able to do that because you still have a hand free.

Maybe it looks like being as simple as saying,

Hi,

Can I go ahead and go to the bathroom real quick before you do that other hand?

See again,

Something very small.

And for those of you that don't get their nails done,

Then think of any other example that's like that.

Maybe you're laying on a massage table and someone's giving you a deep tissue massage and normally you wouldn't say anything if the pressure got too deep.

Maybe a small way to start is just by saying,

Hi,

That's a little bit too deep.

Can you loosen up just a little bit?

Don't push down so hard.

And just start seeing as you take these small,

Gentle steps.

Get your brain to clock that you asked for what you needed and you were safe.

You asked for what you needed and you got up and were able to go to the bathroom.

You asked for what you needed and the massage tech stopped pushing down so hard.

And it's those small things,

One after another,

Time after time,

That'll allow you to build up to those bigger things.

And that will allow you to realize over time that you're not stuck back where you used to be.

And now it truly is safe to start asking for what you need.

And if any event is not safe,

You're now an adult and you can remove yourself from that situation.

Just take one more deep breath in and out,

Thanking yourself for showing up today,

For taking the time to do this practice.

And until next time.