Emotional Dysregulation - Getting Back To Center

This talk is great for beginners and discusses what you can do when you're dysregulated to help get yourself back to the center. Self-regulation and co-regulation are discussed with the primary focus being on self-regulation practical tips. The talk includes examples and recommendations.

Transcript

So let's say you're dysregulated.

What do you do?

What do you do when you don't feel like you can do anything?

Or what do you do when you're so anxious that you feel like you're crawling out of your skin and you can't get your mind to stop?

At the end of all of it there's basically two options.

There's either self-regulation,

Which is regulating yourself in your own nervous system,

And the other option is co-regulation,

Which is being in the presence of another emotionally stable and regulated person.

And their regulation is energetic and your body can take that in and it can help calm you down.

So let me give you an example of that.

If my seven-year-old is coming completely unglued,

She is very upset,

She is very mad,

I had to put her in timeout,

Which is so rare.

Like this child barely gets in trouble for anything because she's just so sweet and so kind and it's rare that she does something with the intentionality that requires,

You know,

A timeout.

And so I put her in timeout for seven minutes and she was pitching a fact.

She was crying and screaming and saying that she wanted her mommy,

She didn't know where her mommy was,

That she didn't want to be in timeout,

That she is so so so so so so sorry that she lied to me.

Like it was just,

It took everything in me to not go in and like run to her rescue and to reassure her.

But if I've learned anything in this journey,

It's she needs to feel those feelings and then we can talk about them and then we can help calm her down.

But she needs to sit with what she's feeling,

Especially when it's a consequence or some actions that she took that were intentional actions that that were hurtful for other people.

So after the timer went off,

She comes to me and this is where some parents will start immediately trying to tell the kid to calm down or lecture them on why they were put in timeout and she can't hear it at that time.

Like when we're emotionally dysregulated,

Especially if we're in a trigger or in our trauma,

Our brain is not activated or online enough to be able to hear that misdirection.

So the first thing I did was sit with her.

I let her sit in my lap and I held her and she's like,

You never hold me anymore.

I'm like,

Okay,

I'm literally literally holding you and you're in my lap all the time.

And she's like,

No,

No,

No.

I mean,

You never stand up and hold me.

It's like,

Because you're almost as big as I am.

I was like,

Okay,

I was like,

Would you like me to stand up and hold you?

And she's like,

Yes.

Like I stand up,

I hold her,

I wrap my arms around her,

I sway with her,

You know,

Calming,

Nurturing things that I've learned that are helpful.

And then she's able to start calming down.

So through co-regulation,

Her little heart rate takes in my slower pace,

My slower heart rate,

She starts calming down.

And then we can have a conversation about,

Yeah,

That lying thing.

We're not going to do that.

And this is why this is why we're not going to lie.

But that can happen until she's calm.

And it's the same with us.

Sometimes there are times when we need co-regulation.

Period.

There are times when we can get so unsettled,

That we need the help of another to help bring us back down a help of another safe person.

That is also calm,

As also regulated,

And it can remind you of who you are,

Of your truth of your stability of your safety.

That's correct,

Like regulation.

But for today,

We're going to be talking about self regulation more.

So what can you do?

Because that is the first step,

The first phase,

The first plan of action should be you trying to regulate yourself.

That does not mean that you should be fighting with that for three or four days before you reach out to the help for some co-regulation.

Alright,

So let's talk about it.

So when you are hyper aroused,

So again,

That's going to be on that seven to 10 level.

When you're anxious,

You're restless,

You're stressed,

You're overwhelmed.

This is when you're going to want to engage in calming activities.

It may be a gentle walk outside where you're just mindfully noticing slow walking,

Every time your foot hits the pavement.

It may be a hot bath.

It may be some gentle breath work,

Which is breathing in for four,

Holding your breath for seven,

And breathing out,

Ideally out of your mouth for eight.

Doing that a few times can help take you down from a nine to an eight.

We want to notice the subtle changes that shift from a nine to eight is huge progress.

It really truly is.

You're getting back towards your window of tolerance.

You can notice and name five purple things that you see around you.

So if I'm doing that right now,

I'd look around and I would say,

Picture,

A purple picture.

I see a purple feather.

I see a purple bag that has a crystal instrument.

I see a purple canvas.

And I see purple on my desktop,

Like on my laptop that I'm recording on.

So the reason we do that,

Is it grounds us here in the present moment,

It gives our mind a job.

And the reason I tend to pick purple or pink,

Or a color that's a little bit more difficult to find,

Is because then it takes you a second because you have to keep looking around like,

There's got to be another purple thing in here,

Which you probably picked up on in the recording.

I was like,

What the last purple thing am I going to see?

All right,

My desktop right in front of me.

So that's something that can be helpful.

And you can do the same thing with smells or with textures.

Name five things that are smooth,

But it's important that you name them.

And if you're around other people,

Name them in your head,

But name them.

This is very akin to meditation.

And then sometimes when you're hyper aroused,

You may need to get that energy out of you.

That may look like working out,

Or weightlifting,

And boxing,

If that's something that you enjoy,

It can help with that or running like whatever you need to get that energy out.

But you're going to need to make a list for yourself.

So those are just some options that I found,

I've heard that others have used to help them move from hyper aroused more down toward the calm state.

Now the other side of things,

If you're hypo aroused,

You don't feel like doing anything,

You're in that depressed or frozen or lethargic mindset,

Then this is when you want to do a little bit more gentle motions.

That's typically not when you're going to want to go work out.

I mean,

You can if you can get yourself to do it.

Great,

Awesome,

It probably will help.

But a lot of times that's too big of an ask for our body and for our system.

We don't feel like moving,

Let alone working out.

So when that happens,

Try gentle movements,

Stretching,

Yoga,

Going outside,

And very slowly just walking.

Notice,

Notice the breeze.

Notice the sun on your body,

The warmth of the sun.

Notice your feet as they touch pavement,

You're just noticing,

You're getting back into your body and reminding your body you're here,

You're safe,

You're calm.

This can also be done with mindful eating or drinking.

So I really,

I'm not very mindful in my eating.

So a lot of times eat on the go a lot.

And so my coaches,

My nutritionist,

Everyone is encouraging me slow down,

Sit down,

Eat.

And I've been doing that a lot more lately,

And it helps so much.

But I try to do just one mindful bite every meal.

And one of my coaches taught me that.

So when I sit down,

And my food arrives at the table,

Letting myself also mentally physically arrive at the table,

And at least having that first bite be intentional.

Intentionality with your bite.

You like to drink coffee or tea or hot chocolate.

Just be intentional,

Be mindful about that,

That sip,

Enjoy it.

Put a piece of peppermint or a piece of chocolate in your mouth and just savor the taste,

Let it sit on your tongue and enjoy the taste of that chocolate or that peppermint.

These things are really small,

But they can seriously help get you back towards that window of tolerance.

And the thing I also want to mention here is talking to a friend,

Talking to a family member,

Talking to a therapist.

If you're in a state where you are lethargic,

And you don't feel like you can do anything like yes,

Take 10,

15,

20 minutes,

30 minutes,

A couple of hours to just lay and do nothing,

Give your body what it wants.

But then choose something mindful.

A conversation with a friend,

A walk outside,

Mindful eating or drinking,

Again,

Whatever serves you and your body.

And I would honestly recommend you just create a list,

A list of things,

Activities,

Because sometimes you're going to be so hyper or hypo aroused,

That you're not going to know what in the hell to do.

And being able to just pull out a piece of paper and start going down the list of I'll try this.

Oh,

Let's see if that moves a needle any.

It didn't.

Okay,

What's next on the list?

I'll try this.

And you just go through the list.

One of the first things is naming the emotion.

What do you feel?

Where do you feel it in your body?

Validate that emotion.

Validate it.

It makes sense that you would feel that way based on your past based on what you've been through.

It makes sense.

And you haven't eaten much today,

It makes sense that you're getting angry.

Identify the trigger if possible.

And that's just it's helpful to know what triggered it.

So that you can speak truths to it.

Be gentle,

Be kind.

And then before you do any of the regulating activities,

Which again,

Make a list of all the options for you.

Before you do those,

Try to figure out where you are on that zero to 10 scale.

If you're at a 9,

10,

You're crawling out of your skin,

Notice that and then do your regulating activities and then come back and you'll notice almost always,

Literally almost always you'll tend to shift down a little bit.

It may just be from a 10 to a nine,

Or from nine to an eight.

Those shifts are so important.

Notice,

Recognize,

Appreciate any shift,

Even the small ones.

Because over time over the next several hours,

You'll shift more and more.

Because it takes time for our nervous system to return to safe sometimes it just takes time.

And the more we get stressed out or worked up about it,

The longer it's going to take us to get back there.

You're not looking for perfection,

You're looking for progress.

There are times when you're going to do a regulating resource and it's going to take you all the way back to your window of tolerance.

And I will just tell you that doesn't happen all the time.

And that's even not probably what happens frequently.

And it requires patience,

Patience,

Patience.

It's a process.

You're looking for slow progress in the right direction.

You're not looking for perfection.

Reviews

This was very helpful just now to get myself back into a calmer state.