There are three common myths about the inner critic,
About negative self-talk.
One,
That it needs to be ignored.
Two,
That it's something bad,
Something to get rid of.
And three,
That in order to solve it you just think positive,
Just focus on the positive.
I've spent many years exploring this topic both personally and professionally,
And whilst positive thinking can interrupt the pattern in the present moment and bring some relief,
It's only really dealing with the issue on a surface level.
The thing is,
Negative self-talk is not what you think.
The inner critic,
That negative self-talk,
It's not something bad.
And if we continue to see it that way,
We miss the gifts that it offers.
And yes,
There are gifts.
When we ignore negative self-talk,
We notice that it comes up and we ignore it and we just continue about our day.
Whilst we may not be dwelling on any negative self-talk and getting caught up in that pattern,
To ignore it is to miss the gifts that it offers.
When we connect with loving curiosity and get curious about what lies behind it,
Where does it come from,
We can get to the root cause of where it really comes from and what it's really about.
As people often think,
It's something bad,
Terrible.
Though what lies underneath is the inner child.
And with this short story,
I can explain a little bit more.
An experience I had that I've shared a few times,
And it really explains how the inner critic is something so much more than we realize.
So many years ago,
I was looking for trainers in a shop.
I was looking to buy some new trainers and I saw a pair that were bright turquoise,
Almost fluorescent turquoise.
They were so beautiful.
It's my favorite color,
Turquoise.
And I saw them and my hand reached out to take a closer look.
And straight away in that moment,
I noticed negative self-talk pop up.
Oh no,
You don't want to stand out.
Oh,
They're too bright.
What will people think?
There were all these negative thoughts and judgments arising.
And in that moment,
I had a choice to ignore it,
To think that this was something bad,
Terrible,
Or to explore where this came from.
I got curious and I started to remember being at school,
Teased about my shoe size,
Being teased about how I looked.
And I realized in that moment that the negative self-talk that was arising in this moment,
As here I was an adult looking for some new trainers,
Was actually my inner child looking to feel safe,
Not wanting to repeat the experience of being teased about my shoes.
So with the perspective of seeing negative self-talk as the inner child simply seeking one of those human basic needs,
Most commonly love and belonging,
Significance,
Or safety,
We can greet negative self-talk with a little more compassion and rather be up against it and fight it,
We transform it into something else.
It's no longer about the negative self-talk,
It's about addressing our needs in the moment and reparenting the inner child.
So there I was as an adult many years later noticing that it was simply my inner child wanting to feel safe.
I had a choice to buy those trainers or not and I chose to buy them to rewrite the story through my actions.
If I ignored negative self-talk completely,
I wouldn't have had that insight about what the inner child was looking for.
If I saw it as something bad,
I wouldn't have engaged with loving curiosity to learn about it and get to the root cause.
And if I just focused on thinking positive in the moment,
I wouldn't have found that deeper learning.
So by transforming our relationship with negative self-talk,
Getting curious,
Loving curiosity,
Children have this wonderful curiosity.
I remember many years ago on a beautiful island called Menorca on the beach in a queue waiting to go to the toilet,
There's a whole line of adults and we're all waiting there,
Starting to get a little impatient,
Wondering,
Wow,
The person inside is taking a long time.
When out of nowhere,
There was this young child that walked all the way up to the front of the line,
Completely oblivious of all of us queuing there,
Opened the door to the empty toilet and then went inside.
All of us adults queuing there had assumed that the door being shut,
Someone was inside,
Yet none of us were curious to knock on the door and find out.
Children are naturally curious and it's connecting with that curiosity can help us to really uncover what lies beneath negative self-talk.
Because by doing that,
We then start to little by little rewrite the story and reprogram our unconscious through our actions and through our new beliefs.
Negative self-talk is simply limiting beliefs that our younger self has learned at some point.
Negative self-talk is simply just the repetition of these beliefs and we repeat them throughout our day,
Thinking that this is a bad part of ourselves,
Something to get rid of and that we need to think positive.
Whereas actually,
It's simply the inner child bringing to our awareness all the beliefs that we can look at,
That we can transform,
That we can rewrite the story.
So thanks to negative self-talk,
We can really tend to the needs of the inner child.
Thanks to negative self-talk,
We can really learn more about ourselves.
Thanks to negative self-talk,
We can uncover so many different gifts.
There's a difference between listening to it and believing it,
Compared to listening to it,
Learning from it,
And then continuing our life.
So if you notice negative self-talk,
Try this.
Start with the phrase,
I wonder.
I wonder are two words that can really help us tap into that curious mindset.
First of all,
I wonder.
What's behind this?
So whatever thought has come to your mind,
What's behind that?
Where's the root cause?
When did you first decide that?
You may get a memory,
You may be aware of an experience previously,
And if not,
That's okay too.
Simply just connecting with that curiosity can help create space,
Open things up,
And the reticular activating system within your mind will naturally want to find the answer anyway.
So at some point,
You will have that awareness.
And then get curious.
What need is the inner child looking for,
Connected to whatever memory or whatever belief came up?
And how can you fulfill that now as an adult?
If it's safety,
How can you help yourself feel safe now?
If it's love and belonging,
How can you help yourself to feel a sense of love and belonging now?
If it's significance,
How can you help yourself to feel significant now?
As an adult,
You have greater awareness about how to fulfill your needs now,
Which in turn can help rewrite the story and reparent the inner child.
And even if it's simply just seeing negative self-talk as the inner child communicating to you,
That in itself is a wonderful step forward.
That in itself can be a massive shift in how you relate to negative self-talk and how you experience it in your life.
It's not about getting it perfect,
It's simply about connecting to that loving curiosity,
Realizing that there's something else beyond that,
And getting curious about how you can fulfill your needs.
So try that.
I would love to hear your shares on this.
Get curious.
Explore.
I wonder,
What is my negative self-talk communicating to me today?
What's underneath that?
The inner child.
I wonder,
What is my inner child communicating to me today?
