Overcoming Your Family Systems & Healing Generational Trauma

Understanding your family systems & the beliefs you created when you were little will help you overcome your past and create new opportunities for yourself and for future generations. It's in your hands to take action. Join me live to bring awareness to your past so that you can create a new future.
(Live session recording)

Transcript

Welcome guys to another session.

Today we're gonna be talking about family systems and generational trauma.

Okay this can be a very heavy topic for some but I think it's a very necessary topic to to understand to bring awareness and to be able to make change and I want to talk about these two things from the angle of organization,

Home organization,

Home decluttering,

The way you manage your time,

The way you manage your self-care,

Basically from an intentional living angle.

Okay my goal today with you guys is to to just bring awareness to this area that is family systems.

I want to describe what they are,

I want to talk about maybe the ones that you received when you were little and and what they did for you and also talking about generational trauma,

What that is,

How are we passing that from parents to to children and how we have the ability to do something different,

How we have the ability to question,

To heal and to move forward in a different way and I'm gonna be talking about very specific and practical ways that I have seen in my work of helping others declare their homes,

Declare their lives,

Manage their time and all their resistance,

All the emotional self-regulation piece that it is necessary every time we are approaching a change,

Every time we are deciding to do something different in any area of our lives,

We're gonna face that resistance,

We're gonna face those beliefs,

We're gonna face the stories that we tell ourselves of what can be done,

What cannot be done,

What's good,

What's bad and all of those things we learn them when we were little,

We learn them from our parents,

From our grandparents,

From the society around us,

From school,

From our environment,

Whatever that environment look like for you,

You learn things along the way when you were little because you came to this world,

In a specific country,

In a specific city,

With a specific religion,

With a specific society and you learn to understand the world from that view,

From that angle and depending on your family systems,

Depending on how your father was,

Your mother was,

The others that raised you,

If you didn't have parents or if you didn't have both parents,

So that environment where you grew up in is that environment where you learn how to how to view the world,

Where you learn how to express love,

How to maintain your physical spaces,

How to practice self-care,

How to appreciate music,

Hobbies,

Things that you saw other people doing and modeling for you and many things that you never saw that you wish you would have seen.

So it's very important to bring awareness to this and this is what I want to do today in this session,

Okay?

But before getting started,

Let's just transition into this session with a little bit of sound.

I want you to come and be present,

I want you to relax and I'm gonna do that playing my singing bowl,

My Tibetan singing bowl,

Just for a few seconds and I want you to close your eyes if you feel like it and enjoy the sound and just come to the present moment with me.

Thank you so much guys for just taking a moment to transition into this session.

One of the things that we are going to need today for this session is presence,

Is mindfully being here,

It's being very compassionate,

Okay?

When we are looking at the past,

When we are looking and becoming aware of how we grew up and what we learned from our environment,

We are not looking for someone to blame,

We are not looking for what we did wrong,

We are just becoming aware of what is,

Okay?

We are just looking at the reality of our lives now and the reality of our lives how it was before and what we learned.

When it comes to specifically home organization and decluttering and how to maintain physical spaces,

This is a great example on how to talk about these two topics,

Okay?

So that you can understand what family systems represent there and what generational trauma can represent there.

So let's take home organization and physical clutter.

I have worked with a lot of people that the family systems,

The routines that their family had were to don't organize the home.

So clutter was everywhere and no one modeled for them what it looks like to be organized,

What it looks like to create homes for the things that you use,

What it looks like to put energy into a space with intention and create an environment that you feel well in,

Okay?

So they never saw that and deep inside as they grew up they were noticing that they were not feeling well.

They were noticing that they needed something that they didn't have.

They needed shelter.

Our home is our shelter and that's a basic human need and many times we forget how important it is to have an environment that supports us,

An environment that we can go to rest after a long day and sometimes we don't even know how the impact that not having that can have in us.

So for many they didn't have the opportunity to learn from the people who raised them.

Maybe they had different ways of dealing with things,

Maybe it wasn't important and that is a family system,

Okay?

That is a family system that they had in that specific way when they grew up.

They had a family that they didn't care about their physical environment,

They didn't know how to do it or maybe it wasn't their priority for whatever reason.

They never learned how to organize their home and how to avoid having clutter.

So that is a family system that they learned.

So what is the generational trauma around this?

Many times from generation to generation if your parents didn't know how to do it,

They didn't teach you how to do it and now when you have children I have seen generations,

Three or four generation of like grandparents,

Parents,

Children and grandchildren,

Right?

And you can see that sometimes if no one has done the work of learning,

Of healing that part of the family system that is not working and doing something different,

You are going to keep passing along what you received,

Okay?

So that family system that you learn on how to keep your environment,

You're gonna pass it to your children the way you know because that's what you learned.

For some that can be traumatizing because having physical clutter and not having a home that supports you,

That can be a big deal for some people.

For some others it won't be a problem because they don't care and this is very,

Very,

This is very,

Very important.

Like trauma,

It can look very different on each person,

Okay?

The same event,

In this case we are talking about physical clutter,

But an event can be traumatizing for some people and can be not a big deal for other people.

So when we talk about trauma and what that means,

Trauma means how you react to that event,

How the specific person react to that event.

So same event can produce many different reactions in different specific people.

The same event can be traumatizing for some,

Can be not a big deal for some,

And can be nothing for others,

Okay?

So understanding that,

That is something very subjective,

That is something that is going to change from person to person,

How they react to that event,

To that reality,

To that family system.

But what I'm going with here is that if you don't feel well,

If you feel like you want to change something,

What you are really doing,

You are questioning that family system,

You are becoming aware of it,

You are exploring the possibilities that are in front of you to do it differently,

To have a different approach,

And then you are changing,

You are doing something different,

You are creating a new system,

A new belief,

A new routine,

A new habit,

You can call it however you want,

But basically you are moving forward in a different way.

And I would say that that to me that means that you are healing,

You are healing something that you didn't like,

Something that was producing emotional,

Like reaction triggers to that event,

You are healing that and doing something different.

And then you're gonna be able to model to future generations,

In my case I have a daughter,

So if I learn something from my family systems that I don't like,

That is not serving me anymore,

And I find that it's not something I want to transfer down,

I can choose to heal that piece,

To become aware of it,

To decide how to move forward in a different way,

And try to do my best to transfer something a little bit different,

At least a little bit different.

I'm not saying that I can heal 100% and I'm always going to cause some sort of trauma,

Whatever,

To my daughter,

Even if I don't know,

Because even if I do my best,

There will be always things that she won't like from me,

Most likely,

That I'm doing wrong,

That are affecting her,

But at least I can transfer,

I can change a little bit of that trauma that I receive or that family system that I no longer like,

Or I want to change,

Okay?

So one says,

Oh,

Are you very much overly organized obsessively?

Family was OCD.

Yeah,

This can be the same thing,

So sometimes having physical clutter can have an impact on you,

Sometimes being on the extreme of severe OCD about how things need to look like,

Perfectionism,

Cleanliness,

High standards,

All that can have a huge impact on you,

The same way that having too much clutter can.

So again,

We are talking about specific events,

Specific situations that can have a very different impact on different people.

I also have worked with people who have been raised in homes that were like that,

They were very methodical,

Very too much OCD,

Too much high standards about how things need to look like,

To the point that the person is rebelling to that,

And then they decide to have clutter,

And that's their way of rebelling against that family system that they don't like,

Okay?

The problem with that,

And this is a very specific client that we work with,

Is that that way of rebelling to that family system that she didn't like,

It wasn't serving her,

Because having physical clutter in her home was causing her problems,

But when we did the session and she hired us to,

For us to help her,

She didn't know how deep the physical clutter was,

And we together discovered that having physical clutter,

She was actually creating that clutter to be able to rebel against a family system that she didn't like,

And she grew up in for many years,

And she hated it.

So right now,

Unconsciously,

She was creating physical clutter as a form of saying,

F you,

Dad and mom,

For forcing me to do things in this way,

For putting me in a box,

For not letting me express myself the way I needed,

For not being able to have my own space and control of that.

So all those things went down there,

And she was creating physical clutter to rebel against that,

So that when they came to see her,

She would get a reaction from them,

A negative reaction that she really wanted.

She wanted to bother them,

Because that was her way to rebel against that family system.

So a really good way to heal that is to become aware of it,

To really understand why did my parents do that?

Why did the people in my life,

When I was little,

Why did they decide to do that?

And there is always a reason,

And that's why I invite you to be very compassionate,

Very forgiving,

And very understanding,

Because I believe that we all do the best we can with what we know.

And at that time,

Most likely,

That's the best they knew how to do.

They didn't do that intentionally to traumatize her.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't the case.

I'm pretty sure that was the dynamics that were happening for specific reasons,

But they had a huge impact on her.

So that's her opportunity to,

What she's doing,

She's realizing this way of being,

Of causing clutter in my home,

That is affecting me and my family,

Is not serving me.

And I need to find a different way to heal this wound that I have,

This trauma that I have,

From that family system that was created and that was imposed on me.

Is this making sense so far,

Guys?

Are you understanding what I'm trying to communicate here?

Just let me know in the chat if you are getting this.

One sibling has a different experience than their sibling in their childhood within the same family.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Two brothers and sisters can have a completely different reaction to the same event,

And that's why these family systems and this trauma can look so different person by person,

Because it's very subjective.

Also,

If you feel like your parents value you only when you have your approval,

You want to test them with your messy space.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

My mother's house was spotless,

No clutter ever.

My bedroom is always cluttered.

It's clean but cluttered with books,

And I have to move home in June,

But find the cluttering overwhelming and can't stop.

Yeah,

So Robert,

It's normal,

And again,

Physical clutter can mean something different for each of you,

And it's very important to really define what does clutter mean to you,

And is clutter bothering you,

And if it is,

Then what do you want to do with it?

And this is your personal choice,

Okay,

Because physical clutter can look different for each person,

And some people don't need to do anything with clutter.

They don't care.

It doesn't bother them,

And they function.

Some other people,

They are very affected by physical clutter,

And they want to do something around it,

So this is,

Again,

This is many times how you react to clutter can come from understanding those family systems.

Sometimes,

People who are very anti-clutter to the extreme that they are OCD,

I'm sure there are reasons behind of why they need to control things so much.

People who are on the extreme of maybe don't worrying about physical clutter to the point that it is affecting them,

I'm sure that there are reasons why they are letting clutter build up to that point,

And this is all about understanding.

This is all about choosing,

Taking ownership of what you are choosing,

And start healing what you need to heal.

Start understanding where did I learn this from,

Okay?

What would I like to change?

Is this belief,

Is this story that I'm telling myself that I learned when I was little,

Is this true?

Is this something that I want to define how I live?

And you get to define that.

You get to say yes or no,

And you get to heal,

To change,

To transform,

To process in whatever way feels good to you,

And then you're going to pass that along to future generations or to anybody who has the opportunity to be in your presence,

To share space with you,

Time with you.

Maybe this is a flatmate,

Maybe it's a co-worker,

Maybe this is your children,

Maybe this is your parents,

Maybe this is your siblings,

Your fiance,

Your wife,

Your husband,

Whatever,

Right?

You have a huge opportunity to really have an impact in other people in a different way of what you learned.

I grew up in a household highly critical,

No affection ever,

Or words of encouragement or love.

No love or affection shown ever.

So Kenya,

I'm sorry that you grew up that way,

And I can relate a little bit to that,

Because I was lucky to have my mom and my dad for my life.

They were always there for me,

They supported me,

They loved me.

But one of the traits that my dad had is that he normally didn't offer praise.

It was very difficult for him to offer praise,

But he would always be a perfectionist in the sense that he would always find what you did and do right,

And he would point it at you.

And majority of the times,

That would be the only thing that he would tell me.

So it was really hard for me sometimes to understand,

Like,

Why would you praise me when I did something right,

But you only point what I am doing wrong?

And he always told me,

Like,

If I praise you,

I'm going to make you weaker.

You are going to say,

Okay,

I'm fine as I am,

So I don't need to do more.

And he believed that I would just stay there,

And I will not go for more.

So his belief was,

If I don't give you praise,

If I only point at what you have done wrong,

You're going to focus your attention on fixing that,

And you're going to become a better person,

You're going to be more skilled,

And you're going to be better.

So if you think about that,

It makes kind of sense,

Right?

And that's what he learned from his father.

And I had the opportunity to meet my grandfather,

And he was the same way.

So now I know how important it is to offer praise.

I understand the impact that not receiving praise had on me.

Lack of,

Yeah,

Lack of comfort with myself,

Lack of leadership.

I was afraid of taking action.

I was afraid of making mistakes.

I was afraid of people pointing at me doing something wrong.

And I still have that.

I still have those dynamics happening inside of me.

Lack of confidence.

And many times I could do things better than other people,

But I always put myself behind them because I believe that I may make a mistake.

Someone is going to do it better than me.

And I still have that tendency that came from there.

So I have fear sometimes to take action,

Fear to show up and be criticized.

So,

But I understand that he didn't do it with the intention of creating this in me.

He truly was doing the best he knew.

And that's what he learned from his father.

That's what I learned from my father.

So now my job is to see that,

My job is to understand,

To forgive him,

To forgive myself,

To create a different story,

To create a different family dynamic.

And it is not easy,

Okay?

Because my nervous system is used to doing that.

But now I have to do something different.

So the work looks like I have to be present.

I have to catch myself not giving praise.

I have to give praise.

It feels uncomfortable and weird.

It feels unnecessary.

It feels like I am doing something that doesn't need to be,

But I have to force that.

And I have to do it more and more and more with my daughter,

With my wife,

With everything,

Everyone around me.

And when I'm not present,

I go back to not saying anything and only pointing what they are doing wrong.

And I have a hard time giving praise.

So my job is to give more praise,

To be present with it,

To really build that skill that I have a hard time with.

And this can be the same for any other thing that you are looking in your life,

Like that you want to change.

You have to be in the present moment.

You have to be present.

You have to catch yourself not doing it.

You have to feel uncomfortable forcing yourself to do something that doesn't feel natural,

That you have not done before often.

And then you start building up from there.

What do you forgive yourself for?

So Terry,

First of all,

I forgive my dad.

I visualized my dad as a little boy growing up with my grandfather.

I didn't have the opportunity to meet my great-grandfather,

So I don't know what the family dynamics were then,

But I know that my dad,

That's what he led.

And now he's a father.

He doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence because he was a model dad.

He is not in touch with his emotions.

He has a hard time talking about how he feels,

Naming what he feels,

Sharing what he feels,

Crying in front of you if he needs to.

He has a hard time doing all of that.

So of course I have a hard time doing that too many times,

And I have healed a lot of it.

And I am forcing myself to do things that I would have never done before.

But I forgive myself for not seeing this earlier,

For being a victim of that for such a long time.

I forgive myself for still now,

Knowing this information,

Still doing that to my daughter,

Doing that to my wife,

Showing up sometimes and just pointing what they are doing wrong and not giving them praise because that's my natural tendency.

And then sometimes I have to,

My wife tells me,

Amelia,

Why did you come here and just say what she's doing wrong when she has done a hundred things right?

And it's like,

You are right.

I forgot again because I'm having a bad day.

I'm not being present.

And I forgot that I have to give praise and I forgot to see everything that she,

My daughter is doing great.

And sometimes I only see the mess that she's doing in the kitchen,

But I don't see that she's learning how to use a spoon,

That she's learning how to use a cup,

That she's putting the things on the sink.

I don't see any of that.

I only see the spill that she did on the table.

It's quite depressing.

So that's an example of how this work looks like.

Self-compassion,

Absolutely,

Kenny.

You have to be self-compassionate with yourself because you are trying your best.

You are trying to be present.

You are changing something that is not yours.

That's the thing.

It's not yours.

Someone else gave it to you when you were little and you have been carrying it your entire life.

And it's time to let it go.

It's time to learn how to let it go and don't keep carrying it down the next generations.

Yeah,

This includes praise to ourselves,

Which is the hardest for me.

Yeah,

Praising ourselves.

How easy is that for you guys?

I try to do that too a lot.

I try to just find what am I doing right?

What am I proud of myself for?

And I try to voice it out.

Emilio,

I'm proud that you show up every week twice,

Even when you don't feel like it.

And you stand in front of like 152 people right now.

And even if you don't feel like doing this session,

You are showing up.

You are putting yourself in state.

You are doing whatever you need to do to be present.

So I'm proud for that.

And I have to keep doing that with everything I do throughout the day.

And especially when I make mistakes,

When I do something that I regret,

When I am not doing what I would like to be doing and I catch myself doing something else.

And it's like,

Again,

Emilio,

You're doing that thing again.

You have fallen in these traps so many times and you are again here.

And sometimes it feels very like,

I wish I could change this like this.

But that is the work.

Okay.

I get that.

It is quite depressing to act like your parents,

Like our parents.

Yeah.

But that's why,

Again,

There is nothing wrong with acting like our parents because we learn from them.

The question is,

How do you feel acting that way?

Is it true with your nature?

Is it true with the life that you want to have?

Because if it's not,

This is an opportunity for you to start doing something different.

And for those of you who don't know,

I am in Barcelona right now.

I am spending one year with my family here and we are very close to my parents.

And I am doing every Thursday night,

I go to my parents' house.

I sleep there with them.

And then in the morning on Friday,

I go with my mom to do an adventure,

Normally hiking or biking.

And then I go for lunch with my father and my mother sometimes.

So I am spending quality time with them.

And especially with my mom,

I am healing with her so many things.

So many things.

It's amazing how much we are healing.

And yeah,

Right now I can have conversations with her that I don't know why I couldn't before.

And she's discovering things about her past that are helping her to become a different person and heal that generational trauma.

And one of these things is it's lack of leadership.

My mom lacks leadership.

She's afraid of taking action,

Kind of like me.

She's afraid of doing things.

She's afraid of stepping into that leadership role.

And she feels that she's not good enough.

She feels like someone else can do it better than her.

And then she wants to follow the flow.

She said,

I'm okay following the flow.

And then one of the things that I was asking her and trying to make her understand is that when you are always going with the flow,

Someone else needs to create that flow.

So we went on a trip,

Samantha,

Myself,

My mom,

And Eva.

And we had to decide,

We rented a camper van.

So we had to decide where to stay for the night.

We had to decide where are we going to drive to?

What are we going to eat?

What activities we're going to do along the way?

So as you guessed,

There are a lot of decisions to be made.

And many times I was frustrated.

I was frustrated with her because I could sense that fear.

I could sense the anxiety that she feels when she is presented as the leader and she has to make decisions for all of us.

She can feel the weight of,

I'm going to make a decision that maybe they're not going to like it.

Maybe it's not going to be good enough.

Maybe they want to do something different.

So she was second guessing her a lot and she didn't want to make any decisions.

But then I told her,

Mom,

If you don't make a decision,

You are taking that burden and you are placing it on us.

And every day we are forced to make those decisions for you because you want to go with the flow.

But that's not the,

I don't want that.

I want you to say what you want.

I want you to express the needs that you have.

I want you to be yourself and express and share what's true to you.

And she has a really hard time doing that because she was never allowed to do it.

So that's one piece that shows up.

And then the other day we went on a bicycle trip and I remember I told her like,

From now on,

You are the leader.

I am here with you.

I'm going to follow you.

I will not make any decisions.

And I could sense how she was looking at me and then her shoulders did this automatically.

She was on the bicycle and then she looks at me and then,

Okay,

So I guess we can go this way.

And then I say,

We can go this way.

And then you want to stop in that restaurant?

You want to stop in that restaurant?

I was a mirror for her for like two or three hours.

And she was just so tense.

And then I was asking her like,

What's coming up for you?

And then she was feeling frustration.

She was feeling rage.

She was feeling all sorts of emotions.

And then I was telling her,

Mom,

I have no expectations.

I don't need to do anything.

You are not going to do anything wrong.

You are not disappointing me.

I will not criticize any decisions you make.

I am just here with you and I will follow you wherever you go.

I don't care.

I have to leave home at 5 p.

M.

Until then,

I am yours.

Do whatever you want.

And she just couldn't take it.

She just couldn't handle it.

So we struggled through getting lost through the city.

We passed five restaurants until she decided to sit on one place.

And she was practicing taking that leadership.

She was practicing feeling the weight of the decision making.

The weight of maybe disappointing me.

But I told her like,

Mom,

You are with me.

I will tell you if you are disappointing me.

I will be completely honest.

And if I have expectations,

My job is to voice them out.

Okay?

So you don't have to worry about that with me right now.

This is safe.

I want you to practice.

And then she did that.

And then from there,

We had a really long conversation during lunch.

And every time we meet,

We are uncovering layers and layers and layers.

And going down to when she was three,

Four years old.

Why she learned that.

Where she learned that from.

All the fears where they come from.

And it's just uncovering things and things of all those family systems.

And all the trauma that those family systems caused her.

And now we are uncovering,

Becoming aware,

Healing those pieces.

And stepping into something different.

But it is very difficult.

Sonja says it is so hard for me to make decisions.

I get this completely.

Sonja,

So I invite you to put yourself in a position where you are going to take decisions.

And do it in a way that feels safe for you.

Okay?

Don't go with a group of 10 people.

And then start making decisions having 10 people maybe telling you that you are doing it wrong.

Start doing something that feels good.

Maybe go by yourself and start taking ownership of what you are doing.

And then after that,

Maybe invite just one person that you feel comfortable with.

And even tell them what you are doing.

Hey,

I am practicing my leadership skills.

And I would like to have company to do this.

Do you want to go for an adventure with me?

And then start practicing that.

Start noticing what shows up.

Start noticing why that is showing up there.

Start becoming aware.

Sit with that discomfort.

Kathleen says,

I am very critical of myself and others.

I feel like I can change the way I act in that way.

But I can't change the way I am.

So Kathleen,

Let me tell you one thing.

You say that I feel I can change the way I act in that way.

But I can't change the way I am.

Anytime you change the way you act,

You are changing who you are.

And every present moment is an opportunity for you to become someone else.

Okay?

You can become someone else by doing something different.

And this is really helpful if you start visualizing.

Visualization is so powerful.

Because you sit in meditation,

You close your eyes,

You pick a very specific topic,

A very specific experience that you would like to reflect on,

That you would like to act differently on.

When you are doing that,

You are using your metacognition.

This is an executive functioning skill that allows you to think how you think.

So basically,

You are paying attention to what you think,

You are paying attention to how you act,

You are paying attention to how you feel,

You are reflecting and you are in the present moment.

So you do that,

You close your eyes,

And then you visualize yourself in that situation.

And then you reflect about what are the things that I didn't like?

How did I feel?

And then once you are clear with that,

And you can accept it,

And you can forgive yourself for what happened,

Because you cannot change it,

Then you visualize yourself in a future situation,

Similar situation,

And then you start using your cognitive flexibility to think about what are other options that I could choose?

If this situation happens again,

What can I do differently?

And I promise you that when you start thinking about that,

Your brain is acting like as a Google search.

When you go to Google,

You type a question,

Google is going to give you answers.

The more specific the question,

The better the question you ask,

The more refined the answer you're going to receive.

Think that your brain is the same thing.

When you are present,

And you start thinking about the possibilities,

Your brain is going to start looking for those possibilities,

And you are going to start tuning in with different outcomes that you can create for yourself.

And those outcomes are going to come from you acting differently.

But you need to catch yourself first,

And you need to decide and be present,

And be really mindful about what you are trying to watch yourself doing.

And this is the more specific you can be,

The more progress you can make.

So for example,

You can say this week I am going to watch myself how often do I give praise to my daughter.

Very specific.

So every day I put a reminder in my phone,

I write a positive note somewhere that I can see,

I do something to remind myself of what I would like to do this week,

Or this month,

Or this day,

Whatever,

How much you want to do.

And then you start thinking,

Okay this morning I woke up,

It was my time to be with Eva,

I took her to school,

Did I praise her on something?

And I said yes,

I told her that good job putting your shoes on,

I praised her on good job playing catch with me,

I praised her good job putting the cup on the sink when you finish your milk,

And then I told her like I gave her kisses.

So okay,

I start recognizing,

And I start recognizing when I pointed at her at things that she did wrong.

So that's a way,

And then if I have a situation where I couldn't do what I wanted,

I will sit with it and I will reflect,

And then I will think what can I do differently next time.

For example,

This morning I woke up,

I went to her room and then she didn't want to see me,

And then she was kind of pushing me with her legs like this,

And then I got reactive,

I took it personally,

And I said you know what Eva,

Yes I'm in the kitchen downstairs,

Come when you are ready,

I don't want to be hit like that,

And I let down.

Other days I have more patience,

More empathy,

And I may grab a teddy,

I may do something funny,

And then she would change her state.

So I caught myself being shot,

I caught myself being impatient,

And I caught myself taking it personally.

So that's a win,

I didn't like what I did,

But I recognized it,

I became aware of it.

So now next time I can think about what are strategies I can use next time,

And I can remind myself,

I can take a teddy and pretend that it's talking,

I can put a funny hat and then kind of pick my head like this,

I can open the window and talk about something outside because that grabs her attention,

And then she forgets about me being there,

And she looks out the window.

So I can try and find different ways of doing that,

Okay.

For me,

Journaling helps me reflect about my feelings and emotions.

Yeah,

Journaling is a very powerful tool for those of you who like writing down,

And journaling allows you to keep track of how you feel,

What you try,

The triggers you experience,

And then you can go back and reflect.

So you can use that metacognition skill with more clarity when you have somewhere to go back and reflect what happened.

Yeah,

So do you guys have any questions,

Any specific examples that you would like to cover in the last five minutes of this session?

So we talk about family systems,

Family routines,

Or however you want to call it.

We talk about how those systems that we learned,

Those ways of doing things,

Those ways of seeing the world,

How they impacted us,

And then we talk about healing any trauma,

Any triggers that we experienced from those family systems so that we don't pass them into future generations.

That's called generational trauma,

That's called healing that trauma that you don't want to pass along.

So basically,

It's not repeating the same patterns all over again,

Doing something different.

Brenda says,

This is powerful,

Emilio,

Thank you.

I'm wondering how to balance not getting praise growing up with not seeking it,

External validation.

Yeah,

So that's a very interesting piece,

Right?

It's great to give praise,

But you don't want to depend on that praise to feel well.

And again,

This is something that sometimes comes with you feeling whole,

With you doing self-care,

With you doing mindfulness.

This is with kids especially,

And that teaching it to our kids,

How can we teach our kids to don't rely on praise when we are giving them praise?

And I feel that kids are healthy when they can be independent,

When they can give them space and time to be themselves,

When they can gain,

When they can create their confidence in the way they act.

And many times as parents,

Our job is to try and let them be who they are and stop conditioning them so much,

Stop imposing things on them,

Stop telling them how to do things,

Stop telling them what they should like,

What they shouldn't like,

How they should dress,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

And letting them discover that for themselves.

Many times as parents,

We forget that kids,

Even three,

Four years old,

They are independent people and they have the right to be themselves.

They have the right to do things however they feel they want to do them.

Of course,

There are boundaries needed,

Of course,

There are safety,

But many times I catch myself forcing her,

Forcing my daughter Eva,

She's four now,

Forcing her into doing things a very specific way and then I realized like why am I forcing her to do this this specific way when there are a hundred ways of doing this?

Why do I need to micromanage that?

For example,

How she puts her shoes on,

How she puts her jacket on,

There are so many things that there are many ways of doing it and I find myself,

No,

I want you to do it this way and it's like why?

So that's a great opportunity for me to to catch myself forcing that and when I give her space,

When I talk to her,

When I ask questions like why do you do that that way?

She always has amazing answers and then I get to learn and sometimes she needs to fail,

She needs to do something in a completely wrong way so that she can learn and then she can feel confident next time doing it differently,

But if we don't give them that space,

If we don't allow them to like experience and fail and do whatever they need to,

I feel that we are avoiding,

We are preventing them from feeling confident,

From experiencing,

From doing what they need and then they may feel more dependent on you and then they may feel more dependent on you giving them praise because they are unsure.

So that's why sometimes it's very important to give them space,

To remember that they are independent people,

To remember that they don't need to put their shoes in a specific way,

They don't need to do things in such a specific way and question yourself why,

Where is this coming from and is it really necessary?

Yeah this is,

Ah I'm still dropping those,

Let me help fix this,

On my oldest is 32,

Very hard habits to break,

Yeah that's funny.

Becca says,

Is it helpful to remind the child to praise themselves when the parent notices the child has accomplished a task they initiated on their own?

Would it bring them confidence?

I think that's a great idea Becca,

Anytime you are seeking for things that you are doing right,

You are seeking for things that you are grateful for,

You are seeking for learning opportunities,

I always try to do that when Eva does something and then she doesn't get,

She doesn't get it right or it's really,

It's a really nice teaching opportunity.

I remember one time in Canada,

It was winter time,

It was super cold and I remember I didn't want Eva to be cold and we were going outside and I was trying to force her to put the jacket,

She didn't want to,

She said I don't want to put the pants,

I don't want to put the snow pants,

I don't want to put the jacket,

I'm not cold,

I don't want the mittens and I was trying to fight with her to put them on and then I remember that someone stopped me and said Emilio,

Just choose your fight and I said what are you talking about,

Why are you fighting for?

She said because it's really cold,

So let her go out,

Let her ask you when she's cold,

But I was so immersed in my reasoning that I didn't remember that she needs to experience the cold so that she learns,

So I did that,

I carried everything in a bag and then we went outside and then five minutes later,

Puppy,

I'm cold,

So I asked her like so Eva,

What do you want?

I want my mittens,

Okay,

So where are they?

I don't know,

Said me,

Puppy brought them this time but next time you have to remember them,

So she put them on,

We put the jacket on and then I asked her like Eva,

Next time we want to go outside and it's winter time,

What do we need to do?

And then she told me we need to put our snow pants,

We need to put our jacket and our hat and our mittens,

Puppy,

Because it's really cold out and I was like wow,

It just takes,

This is what was needed and I was trying to force something and then I didn't have to fight with her anymore,

She always put them on because she experienced that and anytime she didn't want to,

I asked her like Eva,

Do you remember that day?

See what happened and then so what do you want to do and then she would put it on,

So just a very specific example of different strategies for the same situation that will get you the result that you want and will create time and space for them to still be themselves and to still learn from that experience,

So anything else guys that you would like to share?

Yeah,

This topic about habits,

About family systems,

About all the emotional processing around this topic is something that I cover in all the courses that I create and all the sessions that I do,

I always try to cover this side,

This mental and emotional angle because they are very important,

Even if you are trying to regard your home,

If you are trying to manage your time,

If you are trying to manage your self-care or apply minimalism to your life or understanding your executive functioning skills and how you operate,

Those are all courses that I have here that you can take and in all those courses I always include some piece of this because we learn about life when we were little and sometimes we do things the way we do them because of that conditioning,

The things that we learn,

Those systems,

That structure that we learn and sometimes our job is to question it,

To become aware of it,

To accept it and then to change it if we want to,

To heal it,

To do whatever processing is necessary so that we can move forward in a different way.

Yeah,

We are afraid of the mess,

Not to become worse than it is right now or not to be criticized.

Yeah,

Mess and kids,

I have a hard time with mess,

With Eva,

Sometimes I am on the extreme of like I don't want her to make a mess and sometimes that makes me nervous,

So dinner time,

Last time when she's making a mess it makes me tense and I can notice that and that comes from my infancy,

That comes because it wasn't allowed to be messy when I was little,

I had to,

My sleeves should be up,

My arms had to be here,

There were so many rules around eating that now I feel that I need to impose them but sometimes someone asked me like are they really necessary and I tell them like I have no idea but that's what I was grown with and that's what I understand and that's what I feel I need to transfer her but sometimes it is not necessary and it is not the best approach.

So guys,

Thank you so much for your donations,

I see some coming in,

If you enjoyed this talk you can support me with a donation as always,

If you want to learn more about topics around this but specifically to declare your home,

To understand how your brain works,

To manage your time,

I do have courses that you can take and you can also join my circle,

It's called Your Thriving Lifestyle and I normally share some recordings there,

Some tracks that I upload there and any updates I have and then if you have questions you can ask them there,

If you have ideas for future talks,

Future sessions like this,

You can share them with me there and yeah Juliana says my husband gets tense with my level of clutter,

He can be very self-critical.

Yeah Juliana and one of the important pieces around this topic also is that communication that needs to happen,

Communication between family members,

Communication with your partner,

Communication with your kids,

Like how can you find a way to communicate that is clear,

That honors your needs and your boundaries,

That is respectful,

That validates the other person.

Sometimes it's very difficult and sometimes and this is maybe another topic for another day but the family systems that we learned when we were little create the view of the world that we have and we are familiar with those specific dynamics and then when we are looking for a partner,

Guess what we are looking for,

We are looking for someone who kind of has the same dynamics as you,

Someone that can interact with you in a way that you both understand,

It doesn't mean that is the healthiest way of doing it but it is the way that feels comfortable,

Familiar,

Certain and sometimes we get together with people and then when we start growing together we realize like that we start crashing but then we realize that we are with that person because we chose them because of that conditioning that we had when we were little and this is something that Samantha and I learned in a couple sessions that we did and it was so true,

Like she learned specific things about and specific dynamics in her household,

I learned some in my household and then we kind of matched together but now that we are evolving,

Healing and growing our tensions,

It feels that they are getting more and more intense so I don't know if that's a good thing or not but yeah that's amazing.

Thank you Becca,

I'd like to put Emilio with donations even the smallest is valuable,

Thank you so much,

Emilio check out Senna Wednesdays and his puppetry on YouTube.

Okay I will give that a look,

This was an excellent talk and just what I needed to hear,

Thank you Emilio,

You are most welcome Monica,

So thank you so much guys for your presence,

As always this wouldn't be possible without your energy,

I wouldn't be able to share and I wouldn't be able to do my job if you were not on the other side supporting me with your energy so I'm really grateful for that,

I hope that this was helpful,

I hope that this planted a seed in your head about what can you do to bring awareness to those family systems,

What can you do to start healing what you need and want to heal and hopefully you start or you follow the journey that you already started to just go further and further and together we are healing ourselves,

We are healing our families and we are healing the world together because that's what we need,

People becoming aware,

People willing to change,

Willing to become better,

Willing to find better ways of doing things and being more in touch with us.

Thank you for everything that helps Emilio,

Amazing,

Okay guys thank you so much,

Have an amazing weekend and I hope to see you next week,

Just for your information starting next week I will be doing these sessions at 2 p.

M my time so that will be 8 a.

M eastern standard time,

I am doing them one hour earlier because it works better for me and I can do other things in the afternoon especially going kite surfing and wind foiling that's where the wind happens and sometimes I cannot go because I have this session so I'm gonna test that time and I hope it works for you guys and I reminded that recordings are available of all my sessions you can find them on my InsideTimer profile link,

Just select InsideTimer recordings and you can find them all in there,

Okay guys,

Thank you so much for your support and I will see you next week,

Okay,

Adios!

Reviews

Absolutamente lo que el mundo gracias. Thank you so much .from San Miguel de Allende GTO México

A heart to heart talk, in a compassionate voice, that can help a lot of people going through hard times.