Improve Your Time Management With Emotional Self-Regulation

Emotional self-regulation is an executive functioning skill that allows you to notice and manage the emotions that show up in your day-to-day life. This skill can help you improve the way you manage your time by understanding the emotional blockages and your resistance to tasks & time commitments.
You will learn a set of practical questions to ask yourself that will help you notice the emotions that are present for you.
This is the recording of one of my weekly live sessions.

Transcript

Today we're gonna be talking about time management and emotional self-regulation.

Emotional self-regulation,

For those of you who are not aware of,

It's an executive functioning skill that allows you to manage the emotions that are coming up throughout your day.

And time management,

Everybody knows what time management is,

But we are always trying to find better ways to manage the precious time that is something that is finite,

Is something that is limited.

And we,

Majority of us,

We never have enough time to do everything that we want.

So I really felt inspired to talk about how emotional self-regulation can really help us manage our time way,

Way better.

So,

Sharon,

Hello,

It's been a while.

Yeah,

I took a week off and last Tuesday we had a seminar,

A live presentation for a group.

So we had to be there at 10.

30 so I couldn't do my regular time.

But yeah,

I'm back.

Thank you so much.

Yeah,

So guys,

Let's just take a couple of deep breaths.

You can close your eyes if you want and let's just transition into this session with intention.

I invite you to close your eyes.

Just take a couple of deep breaths.

And I invite you to notice what's present for you now.

Just notice if you are feeling something,

If you have tensions in your body somewhere,

If you are sitting on strong emotions,

I invite you to be curious and to just explore what's what's in the present moment for you right now.

For me,

For example,

I got some unsettling news yesterday and I'm feeling very emotional today.

So I'm feeling emotional,

I'm feeling grief,

I'm feeling very emotional.

I'm feeling grief,

I'm feeling lots of sadness,

I'm feeling excitement about the opportunities that may arise from this.

Yeah,

That's what I'm sitting on.

So it's really important to voice them,

To voice them in whatever way you want.

So open your eyes when you are ready,

Come back.

This is a very practical way to practice self-regulation,

Emotional self-regulation.

To first notice what's present,

Okay?

Notice what's present for you and notice how you are reacting to that.

Notice the meaning that you give to those emotions,

To that situation.

And something that is really helpful for you to have as a practical tool when it comes to time management,

If you have a task in the calendar that every time that that task shows up,

You notice that you are feeling something,

Okay?

That tells me that there is emotional self-regulation that can be done in there.

That tells me that you can do something about it.

At least notice what's there,

Understanding how that is impacting you,

Your mood,

The feelings that you have,

And the way you show up.

So for example,

If you have a specific task in the calendar and every time that task comes up,

You feel anxiety,

You feel that you want to avoid that task,

You feel that you want to procrastinate it because you don't want to do it,

That's an opportunity for you to question what's happening here.

And these are very practical questions that you can think about,

Okay?

You can ask,

What is it?

Is it a what situation?

So what am I doing here?

Is it a what problem that I don't know how to do it?

Or is it a why problem?

Why is it?

Do I understand the meaning of this task?

Is it relevant for me?

Do I understand why I am doing this task?

Whom?

You can ask whom.

Is there anyone else involved doing this task?

Is the communication between me and that person or that team challenging?

Am I trying to avoid that confrontation or that communication because I don't know how to do it?

Or I'm afraid of the what's going to happen or I don't know what the right words are?

Is it a how problem?

Is it a how?

Like you don't know what steps to follow?

Is it a when problem?

Maybe you are trying to do a specific task that requires your mental capacity at a time of the day that you don't have that capacity.

And maybe if you change when you are doing that task,

Maybe you have more capacity.

Is it a where problem?

Is it a problem where you are trying to do something at the wrong location?

And maybe changing the physical environment can help you achieve that task that you don't know how to do?

So just think about that.

Those are the questions that I invite you to start asking yourself when you are noticing that there is something challenging that is coming up regarding your time management,

Regarding your calendar.

Okay,

So what?

Like what are you doing?

Okay,

Do you understand what you are doing?

Have you defined your time management?

Have you defined your like what are you doing?

Okay,

Do you understand what you are doing?

Have you defined the task?

Is it specific?

Is it achievable?

Do you understand what finishing that task means to you today?

Is it completing the whole thing?

Is it maybe taking one little step in that big task?

Then you have the why.

Why am I doing this?

Reminding yourself of why you are doing something can be very helpful to really reframe your mindset and how you feel about that task.

Okay,

So we have the what,

We have the why,

We have the where.

When are you doing that task?

Do you need to change environment?

Then you have the when.

When am I doing this task?

Is it the perfect time for me to do this task?

Do I have the capacity at this time of the day to do this task?

And then the how.

How am I doing this task?

What are the steps that I need to follow?

Do I understand that?

Do I need to,

Do I know how to take those steps or what's involved with this task?

And then whom,

Whom do I need to do this task with?

Is there anyone else involved?

Is the communication necessary here?

Is that communication challenging for me?

Am I avoiding the communication piece?

By you guys asking these questions,

I promise you that you are going to start unfolding things.

You are going to start to be able to go deeper,

Deeper into the reasons why you procrastinate,

The reasons why you feel anxiety about a task,

The reasons why maybe you don't get it done.

Maybe you don't even attempt to start it because maybe you are trying to do a huge task in a very small amount of time and then the what is not clear for you.

The what means what am I doing?

And the what can be I am decluttering my home.

That's a very overwhelming task.

So of course,

When you see that task coming in your calendar,

It's going to feel overwhelming because you don't know how to tackle that.

So this is a what at the definition of that task probably is it needs to be refined,

Right?

You don't know how to do that task.

You don't know what steps to follow because it's too broad.

It's too big.

What happens if you then discover that and then you allow yourself to do that task?

And then you start to think about how to do that task and allow yourself to then take that task that at the end is not a task,

It's a project.

And then you reframe what that project entails,

The steps that need to happen.

How much time are you going to need?

How many tasks inside that project exist?

And then now you're going to be way more specific and instead of writing down how to declare my home or I am going to declare my home,

You are going to say,

I am going to tackle my young drawer today.

Or for the next two weeks,

Every time this window of time of maybe one or two hours show up in my calendar,

I am going to start focusing on my bathroom or I am going to start focusing on my kitchen.

And by the end of these two hours,

I would like to have the counters clean.

I would like to have my fridge organized.

I would like to have my glass and plates organized.

So you start reframing the task so that it doesn't become overwhelming anymore.

That's just one way of understanding how self-regulating the emotions that you are noticing that are arising and how these emotions are entry points for you to discover the reasons why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

So what do you guys think about these questions?

Do you find them helpful?

Do you ask these questions often in your life when you are noticing that you are feeling strong emotions about a specific task?

Cecilia says,

I've been putting a timer for 10 minutes and decluttering drawers.

Beautiful.

If that strategy works for you,

Cecilia,

That's amazing.

Kathleen says,

Your recordings about decluttering inspired me to completely empty out a spare room that I have been dumping things in for 18 years.

I took a full week all day.

Thank you so much.

Kathleen,

You are most welcome.

I'm so happy that my recordings help you do that.

I also have a course for those of you who are interested,

The decluttering course here on Inside Timer that you can check.

And it goes deeper too.

So thank you for sharing that.

So let me ask you something,

Guys.

What is something related to time management right now that when you see it in your calendar,

It triggers you emotionally somehow?

Do you want to share something that when you see it,

It really makes you feel uneasy?

Like you feel strong emotions and you don't know why,

Or maybe you are starting to become aware?

Amy says,

For me,

Often there is clarity on these questions.

Not always,

But I still stay stuck.

Does that mean that I am just not willing to do the emotional work?

Well,

Amy,

It depends,

Right?

This can be very,

Very complex.

I don't really know the specifics of your situation or what you are referring to.

But if you have a specific example,

That will be helpful.

So Amy says,

Two medical professionals require a package of info for a consult.

I did it all,

But for months I haven't sent it.

Yeah,

So Amy,

I will invite you to really,

What's coming up for you about that specific situation,

Right?

Not sending that.

If they are waiting for that and you did it,

But you didn't send it,

Like what's behind that?

Is it lack of acceptance?

Is it that you don't believe in these professionals?

What is it?

Try to dig deeper.

And then you will start finding more stuff to work through.

And sometimes you will find something huge that you have to process and maybe you require help.

And sometimes it's stuff that you start becoming aware,

And then it will help you start moving forward in a different way.

So there is not a right or wrong answer here.

And sometimes things take time.

Sometimes it's faster.

Abder says,

Emotional work is overwhelming.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

It is.

That's why we avoid it.

That's why we procrastinate.

That's why we put it in the unconscious mind and we don't want to look at it because it requires a lot of energy.

Sending kids books to publishers.

Thank you,

John Allen,

For sharing that.

So you brought books or you created books and you are just hesitant to send them because maybe they won't like it or because maybe they won't accept them.

So maybe there is some fear in there.

Some perfectionism.

Sharon says,

Responding to emails,

Going through mail.

I always put it off.

Yeah,

Sharon,

I want to ask you,

What is your email?

I want to drop emails altogether too.

But you can become more intentional with emails too.

You can create a system that you can filter things easily and you can decide how you spend your time.

So what's creating,

What emotions are email creating on you and why are you procrastinating it?

Is it because you don't like it,

Because they are not important,

Because you get too many of things that you don't care about.

So asking those questions is going to help you then create a solution that fits the needs that you have and eliminates the frustrations or alleviates the frustrations that you currently have.

This may sound strange,

But when I block out free time on my calendar,

I feel a bit of anxiety about how best to use that time.

Laura,

Beautiful example.

This is very normal.

When you put free time in your calendar,

Deep inside,

Most likely we set expectations for ourselves or we cannot handle having empty time and not knowing what to do.

So it is normal that when we don't have certainty,

When we don't have,

When we don't know what we are doing clearly and it's not clear to us,

It may feel uncomfortable,

It may feel uncertain,

It may feel unfamiliar because you are sitting maybe somewhere without direction,

Not knowing what to do.

But when we allow ourselves to have a little bit of free time and we start listening to our intuition,

I'm sure that you will start finding what you want to be doing without expectations.

Maybe you want to read the book that you have been putting off for weeks.

Maybe you want to go for a really long walk that you normally don't do.

Maybe you just want to lay on the couch and watch a movie.

Maybe you just want to go to the gym and just spend the two hours doing whatever you feel like it.

Maybe you want to have a bath.

Maybe you just want to sit on a chair and be in silence.

I don't know,

Like there are so many things that we could do.

And many times we set expectations.

We need expectations,

Majority of the time,

To function.

And creating blank time,

Blank space in our calendar sometimes can feel very scary.

Absolutely.

Because not knowing what you are doing or starting to question deep things in your life can be very challenging,

Very difficult.

And it's easier to get busy and don't allow for time to think about those things because maybe you don't have all the answers.

Or maybe as someone was saying,

Emotional work is very difficult.

So if you have free time,

Maybe you have time to process,

To think about what happened,

To try to process something that happened,

An event that maybe happened today or yesterday,

And that's uncomfortable.

When we don't have that kind of time,

When we are distracted,

Working,

Cooking,

Cleaning,

Doing our day to day life,

That's easily done.

We don't have to think that much.

It's not scary.

It's not overwhelming.

But when we are facing ourselves,

What we feel,

And we start digging deeper,

That can be very scary.

So it's a very valid point.

Heidi says,

When I first turned in,

Emilio said that he got some unsettling news and was feeling grief over it.

I don't know if he was just demonstrating the emotional self-regulation question.

Emilio,

Can you please tell us more about what happened in a way that respects your privacy?

Yeah.

Heidi,

I have no problem sharing.

So we are planning a sabbatical year to Spain.

And then we have an apartment that we rent here in Waterloo.

And then we wanted to find someone to take care of our cat and to live in our apartment.

So I went to the landlord that he lives at the next door.

And then I told him the plan that we had.

I said,

Hey,

Mike,

We are looking for someone.

And then we are planning to do this.

And then he was excited,

Right?

And then he said,

Yes,

Sure,

You can find someone and that's no problem.

So we did that.

But then when we found someone and then I told him what we were charging and the person and everything,

Then he sent us a letter saying that he doesn't want to do,

That he doesn't want to allow,

Allows us to sublet the apartment anymore.

But he didn't say why.

He didn't communicate anything.

He didn't say what he needed.

So it was very unsettling because now he doesn't want to talk that much.

And I am going with respect.

I'm going with curiosity to what do you need to make this happen?

What do you need to,

To,

To make this comfortable for you?

What are the conditions that you require?

And I am still trying to work through that.

And that communication is very difficult.

And my wife,

Samantha,

She was crying this morning.

She's crying.

She's crying.

She's just afraid.

She's tired of always having to explain ourselves to everybody else,

Of not owning our own home and being able to do our own,

Take our own decisions and always being controlled by someone else.

So we are now in this,

In this crossroad that we need to decide.

Are we letting go of everything and just moving to Spain and then coming back to nothing and letting go of our carne grito?

Or are we going to work through a deal with the landlord and hopefully we can find a way to make this happen.

And we found a beautiful person that loved the apartment and she was willing to move in.

She's still willing to move in and she's coming tomorrow to,

To,

To sign the agreement and,

And to meet the landlord.

And he,

He told me that he was fine to meet her.

So that's why I'm trying to discover what do you need to make this a deal?

And he's just in denial.

He's just very upset.

And I'm trying to practice what I,

What I preach.

I'm trying to like self-regulate.

I'm trying not to get upset.

I'm trying to be open to opportunities.

I am trying to listen in actively.

I am trying to go peacefully and say,

What do you need from me?

And I'm trying to offer him all the options that I can think of.

I am asking him,

Is there an option that,

That you can think of that I haven't thought of that maybe will make you feel more comfortable?

Do you want to do the list straight with her?

Do you want us to pay you the full year in advance?

What is it that you need to feel well with this?

So that,

That,

That was the news.

Okay.

So I'm going to share with you what I'm trying to do.

So decision-making,

Sharon says,

Amy says,

Declare email bankruptcy.

Wow.

That's a strategy that some people do,

Amy,

When you have too many emails,

Some people do declare an email bankruptcy and they start from scratch.

That can be doable for some people,

Not doable for others.

It depends if it's personal,

Business.

But there are strategies around email that you can,

That you can explore.

Kathleen says that decluttering,

The decluttering is with the goal of moving from a house.

I've been in for 40 years.

This whole idea of moving is making me crazy.

Kathleen,

Of course,

Is making you crazy.

Moving is a huge life event.

Shelter,

The place where we live,

Our home,

It's a basic human need.

It's what provides us with safety,

With comfort.

It's the place that we go at the end of the day to,

To hopefully relax and be safe,

Be cozy,

Eat,

Be with family.

It's your sanctuary.

So the idea of having to move somewhere else and having to create that home somewhere else,

It's very scary.

It's a huge change.

And it's,

It's totally valid how you are feeling.

I am feeling that right now,

Because what I call home for the last 10 years,

It's been threatened.

It's been,

It's been questioned.

It's been questioned right now.

And I have to make a really tough decision about,

Do I want to keep living here or do I want to let it go and open myself up to new opportunities?

What scares me the most is that we have a really good rent here.

And when we come back,

We are probably going to pay double the amount,

If not more,

For probably something worse.

But that's an assumption that I'm making.

And I,

I may find something better,

Or maybe that forces us to move into a different community that brings us more opportunity.

And Samantha always said,

I want to be more close to nature.

So maybe this is,

This is the push that we need to make that happen.

Who knows?

But that's why,

That's why it's so important to really explore the emotions that are coming up,

To really be in them,

Feel them,

Validate them.

They are real.

If whatever you are feeling,

Guys,

It's real.

In the present moment,

It is real.

And it makes sense to you right now.

It can change.

Absolutely.

But it's not it can change.

Absolutely.

But if you're feeling grief,

If you're feeling overwhelmed,

If you're feeling upset,

If you're feeling confused,

If you're feeling paralyzed,

If you're feeling that you procrastinate,

If you're feeling anxiety,

If you're feeling excitement and fear at the same time,

Whatever you are feeling right now is real to you.

And the first step for all of us is always to notice that,

To validate it,

And then to decide how we are going to react to that.

To try to think about what are the options that I have in front of me?

How can I process these strong emotions that I am having so that I can tap into my self to find the answer that feels good to me right now?

How can I tap into my intuition to my intuition?

How can I be complete about this?

In my situation right now,

What feels necessary for me to do is to keep communicating with my open heart,

With my landlord,

And try to find what are the possibilities,

What are the options that we have here?

I'm just asking him,

Do you want us to leave or do you want us to stay?

Maybe he wants us to leave,

So maybe that's what we have to do.

If he wants us to stay,

Then so how can we make that a reality?

How can we make that happen?

And then try to open up that communication as much as I can from an open heart without being upset.

That's what I feel I need to do in this specific situation.

But you guys may have a different approach and it's inside of you.

You need to take in.

You need to allow yourself a little bit of time to be with those emotions,

To meditate,

Go for a walk,

Talk to a good friend,

Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down,

To self-regulate those strong emotions that you don't want to act on anything when you are not feeling centered.

Okay?

Self-regulation is all about noticing when you are feeling triggered,

Noticing when the emotions are starting to overflow you and to have the control to don't act on them in a way that you are going to regret after.

Instead,

Take time for self-care.

Take time to be with yourself.

Do whatever you need to do that that's going to look different for each of you.

Maybe you need a long time.

Maybe you need social time.

Maybe you need to do exercise and just sweat.

Maybe you need to sleep.

Maybe you need to watch a movie a lot to forget about it and then come back with different eyes.

Maybe you need to go and see your best friend and talk about it.

Whatever that is,

You have to take it and you have to notice it and follow your intuition and you will know when you feel complete.

You will know when it's enough.

I have tried my best.

I did everything I could and it's out of my control.

There is nothing else I can really do about this.

So then you need to accept and then you need to keep moving forward and then you have to self-regulate that event or whatever it is that you have no control over it and you truly feel that you have tried the best that you could to change it,

To understand it,

To do whatever felt good to you in the moment.

Maybe now it's time to let it go or maybe it's time to take further action but from a place of feeling centered,

Not from a place of being emotionally charged,

Upset,

Overwhelmed.

That's not a good place to do anything.

So emotional self-regulation is always about think about a scale 0 to 10,

Okay?

And you question yourself,

Where am I now emotionally?

Okay?

This morning,

I was an eight.

I was an eight this morning.

I was very emotional.

I was very triggered.

I didn't know what to do and I was feeling that overwhelmed.

Like I felt it in my throat.

I felt it in like in my shoulders and then I couldn't be completely present with my daughter and yeah,

It was too much.

So I knew I'm not going to go and talk to anyone right now because I'm an eight on a 10.

I need to do something different.

So I did a little bit of meditation.

I did some breathing.

I got ready for the session and I decided to just calm down and then now I'm feeling a five,

Four.

Now I'm feeling,

Now if you are between four and six,

I will say that you are six is the edge.

I wouldn't do anything if I'm above a six.

If I'm a six,

I will try to get myself done a little bit more,

Okay?

By doing something.

But then I will add when I am feeling a four or under,

Okay?

When I feel a four or under about a specific emotion,

That's when I feel I can have the capacity to tap into myself,

Into my intuition,

Be able to see the possibilities be able to listen,

Be able to be present with people,

Even if it feels uncomfortable,

Okay?

After that,

When I came from,

From when I did the meditation,

I actually ran into my landlord and he was in the basement because the furnace was doing something funny this morning and I was able to hold space.

I was able to be calm.

I was able to open my heart and he was uncomfortable and I sensed that and I say,

Mike,

I'm in peace here.

I just want to know what do you want us to do?

What do you need?

And then he was able to communicate a little bit what he needed,

But then he left.

But then I say,

Okay,

Mike,

It's okay that now is not the right time.

I will come after and checking on you.

And he didn't say no.

So I was able to maintain my posture and I was able to regulate the emotions that were coming up,

Okay?

So that's,

That's what I invite you guys to do.

Notice what's coming up,

Okay?

Validate it.

Rate yourself on a scale of zero to 10.

Zero being I am completely neutral.

I don't feel anything.

Ten is I am going to kill someone.

I'm going to do something crazy that I will regret and you don't have capacity to even think or listen.

And then between four and six is a good range to be.

Six,

I will say is the edge.

Don't be more than that.

But between a four and a six,

I will say that you are in a good place to start thinking about what are the actions I need?

How can I look at this in a different way?

How can I use my emotional self-regulation?

How can I use my cognitive flexibility?

Okay,

My adaptable thinking to be able to see options that maybe I couldn't see before.

You can use your metapognition skill to reflect about the situation,

To really look at it from a different point of view.

Okay?

So,

Let me see what else.

So Amy says,

This just came to me.

What if in meditation,

Visualizing in from Dr.

Jodie Spencer,

Put the question out to him and metaphorically,

The answer may be revealed between you?

Maybe.

Yeah,

Amy,

That's what I did.

I did a little meditation this morning.

I did a little meditation this morning.

I did a meditation this morning.

I did a meditation this morning.

I did a meditation this morning.

I did a meditation this morning.

I did a meditation this morning.

And I asked that question and I said to myself,

I accept whatever comes.

I just want clarity.

Okay?

I want to be 100% sure that I have done the best I could,

And I want to feel complete.

So feeling complete can mean me engaging in a conversation and getting a clear answer,

Or me trying my best to engage and the other person not being ready to receive or,

I will know when I feel complete.

And I still don't feel complete.

I still feel that there is something else I have to do.

That's my intuition telling me there is something else you could do here.

And once you do that,

You will feel complete.

So that's how I treat this Yeah.

So T says,

Buy land trailer,

Slowly build a cabin.

At least I can sell the land,

But out of the city.

Yeah.

So T,

That's a good idea.

What is the work?

Yeah.

So for me,

That's another beautiful thing that for me,

We have the flexibility to move somewhere and work can be online,

Right?

So that opens up a lot of that.

And I think that's a good idea.

So that opens up a lot of doors that many people don't have.

So I feel grateful about that.

And maybe that's the opportunity that we need.

So,

So guys,

Emilio,

This may be your time for a leap of faith.

Yeah,

Cecilia.

Absolutely.

You know,

Deep inside,

Samantha and I,

My wife,

Samantha and I,

We have been feeling that for the past couple of years,

Probably more,

That we have outgrown this place.

We needed something different.

But because we are so comfortable here,

It's very difficult to make a change because it's affordable.

It's an uptown.

We can walk everywhere.

But deep inside,

It doesn't fulfill everything that we would like to.

It's not close to nature.

It's not close to water.

It doesn't have a little bit of property to do things around.

We don't have control over what we can or cannot do.

So there are so many things that we don't like from this place.

But we are very grateful for the things that we like and love.

So that's why it's very difficult to make a decision.

But sometimes,

Sometimes life events will happen for our highest good.

And in the moment,

We don't see it.

In the moment,

We may be stuck with the emotions.

But the reality is that sometimes that event needs to happen for us to keep evolving.

And we make it painful and we get emotionally attached and we make it like a loss.

But in the grand scheme of things,

Maybe this is not a loss.

Maybe this is the start of something different and new that we need.

But we are not allowing ourselves to do it.

So again,

There are so many options,

Right?

And as you see,

There are so many ways of thinking.

And depending what way of thinking you choose,

You are going to feel one way or the other.

Okay,

So this is the funny thing about emotional self-regulation.

And this is something that we're going to talk more about in the next session.

It's called the reframing technique.

Reframing means when you take the same situation and you give it a different meaning.

You explain it from a different angle.

Okay?

So let's take my situation right now.

I am living in an apartment that I love.

It has things that I would like changed,

But I am comfortable.

It's cheap.

It's affordable.

And it's in a good location.

But in my heart,

I feel that I want to have things that I don't have things that I don't have now.

Another side of me thinks,

But this is really comfortable and secure and safe.

So if I can,

If I choose at the worst case scenario,

I'm going to be focusing on,

I'm going to come back.

If I let this place go,

I'm going to come back and I will have to pay double the rent and then I'm going to be unhappy.

And then I'm going to have to work harder,

Make more money,

Put myself under pressure,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

That's one scenario that is possible.

The other scenario,

If I choose to look at this as,

Oh,

This is happening for a reason.

I really need that change.

My family needs a different place to live in.

Now is the moment to do it.

And this event is triggering us to take that leap of faith.

And then the end result of this is going to be us moving into our forever home.

So if I look at it from that angle,

Would you say that I'm going to feel completely different and the emotions that I'm going to arise are going to be completely different?

So this is what happens in your life with different events.

Depending what angle you look at them from,

You may feel one thing or the other,

And they are both real.

You can feel both things at the same time,

Depending how you look at the same situation.

And this is why emotional self-regulation is so important to be aware of,

Because you can notice when you are going to the worst case scenario,

You can notice when you are going to the best case scenario,

And you can notice how you feel on both of those sides.

And at the end of the day,

The only thing that is real is the present moment.

Everything else is just a fantasy.

It doesn't exist,

Right?

So we are just making assumptions,

But those assumptions are going to make us believe in something and those beliefs are going to make us feel something.

And that's why it's so important to monitor what we think about,

How we frame things,

The beliefs and the meaning that we give to those experiences and how that makes us feel.

It's very tricky and it's very difficult to do when we are emotionally charged.

That's why emotional self-regulation is so important,

Because when we feel charged,

We need to have tools to cope with those emotions,

To process them,

To get ourselves to a point that we are not as charged anymore and we are not getting carried by the emotions and acting on them.

We are aware of them,

We notice them,

We validate them,

And we still decide what we want to do from a place of centeredness.

We still go inside and we still can tap into our intuition.

We still can see possibilities.

We can still have the capacity to hold space,

To listen,

To see things from different angles.

We are not just focused and completely just seeing one side of the picture.

We are seeing many sides of the picture.

Okay.

So John Arning says,

So we should never act when we are supercharged.

I don't think so.

I don't think it's good.

When you are feeling supercharged,

I don't think you probably have the capacity to act the way you want to,

Because you are feeling charged.

And you may act on the emotion of the moment,

But this is how many of you guys have done something,

Have said something,

And just when you did it or when you said it,

You immediately regret it and you say,

Oh,

I should not have said that,

Or I should not have done that.

The impact of what I have done now is just done.

I cannot change that.

And I wish I would have not done that because my intention is not close to the impact that my action created or my word.

How many of you have felt that way sometime?

I felt that way many times.

This is why it's so important to take some time.

Guys,

If you're going to do something,

You can do something five minutes later,

Unless it's an emergency that requires you to act immediately,

You always have a little bit of time.

You can always say,

Okay,

I'm going to sit on this for a little bit.

Okay,

Just give me,

Give me five minutes.

I'm going to think of this,

Or you know what?

I'm going to see how I feel now.

I'm going to write it on my journal,

And then I'm going to sleep overnight.

And then I'm going to take my journal and I'm going to see how I feel.

And then I'm going to do the same thing a few days.

And then when I notice that I always feel the same way,

Maybe that's the right thing to do.

Maybe that's what you want to do.

So there are many different ways of doing this,

But I don't recommend acting when you are feeling super emotional.

I don't think you have the capacity.

I don't think you have the same ability to listen.

I don't think you have the same ability to see perspectives from different,

Being flexible about the way you think.

I don't think you probably are breathing properly.

You're probably like,

When we are emotionally charged,

We are overwhelmed by what we are feeling.

And it's very difficult to be overwhelmed and have the capacity to make decisions that are going to be good decisions that are going to come from your heart.

If you feel rushed,

Most likely it is not a heartfelt decision,

Because if it is a heartfelt decision,

You have patience.

You don't need to do anything.

You don't need to change anything.

You have time to say.

You can wait one minute.

You can wait five minutes.

It's not a problem.

The truth is going to be there after.

The emotions are going to be this,

But you're going to be like a tree with roots,

Grounded.

And doesn't matter the wind,

Doesn't matter the rain,

Doesn't matter what happens.

You are going to be there.

Okay?

You are always going to be rooted.

And from that place,

You can be more centered.

You can be more intentional.

You can notice,

Wow,

The storm is crazy out there.

Whoa.

But I'm not acting on that.

I can watch it,

But I'm not going with it.

I'm not flying with it.

I'm controlling it.

Absolutely.

Erin says,

Emilio,

Can you differentiate between responding and reacting for us?

I have heard they are not the same.

Yeah,

Erin,

Responding and reacting.

Reacting is when you react unconsciously to something.

Okay?

I say that reacting is when,

And this is an executive functioning skill that is called impulse control.

That is the skill that allows us to don't react to an emotion,

Don't react to a situation.

Okay?

Reacting means that something happens and you react immediately without thinking.

Sometimes that's good,

But majority of the times you are reacting based on a programming that you have,

On a belief that you have.

And maybe you have repeated that belief for so many times that you react without thinking.

And when we want to change,

When we want to grow as people,

When we want to become better,

People,

When we want to understand our emotions,

When we are looking at the way we feel and we want to change habits,

Routines,

We want to self-regulate more,

Responding means to me,

Responding is when you take the time to reflect,

You take the time to notice how you feel,

You take the time to notice what happened,

You take the time to really assimilate the experience,

And you give yourself a chance to notice how you feel,

To notice what you want,

To notice what the moment needs from you,

And then you respond from that place.

Reacting is walk.

Something happens,

Walk.

You just go say something.

This can show up in many different ways throughout your day.

Okay?

Do you guys have any examples of reacting that you notice yourself doing during the day?

Like,

I think examples are always way more interesting than if I try to come up with some.

Do you guys have any any ways that you react to things throughout your day?

Just share something.

In my case,

For example,

Let me see.

Amy says,

Yes,

I got sexually harassed waiting tables and I cursed them out loudly,

Got fired.

So,

Okay.

People complaining,

I join sometimes.

Okay.

React to tons of people's voices more than words.

Beautiful.

So you react to the tone of voice.

So you react to the delivery,

And that puts you in an emotional state,

And then you react to it because most likely that tone of voice is triggering something in you.

It's triggering some past trauma and experience that you did not enjoy,

And it makes you react.

So responding in that situation will be,

Wow,

This person is using,

Noticing the tone of voice first.

And instead of you doing what you normally do automatically,

Maybe you scream,

Maybe you leave,

Maybe you react somehow.

Instead of doing that,

What you always do,

You take time to take it in and then you can,

You have the capacity to reflect,

Wow.

And then you start breathing,

Right?

And then you start noticing,

Wow,

This person's tone of voice,

I don't like it.

Oof,

I'm feeling triggered.

I'm feeling triggered because that tone of voice is the same tone of voice that my daddy used to use with me,

And when I didn't like that,

That's trauma for me.

I understand this person,

Maybe they are not doing it with the same intention that that person used to do it to me.

So now you are using your metacognition to really understand and reflect about the situation because maybe that person that is talking to you with that tone of voice,

That is his tone of voice.

He or she is not doing it to create an emotion in you.

Maybe that's how they talk to everybody.

So instead of you making the assumption,

Are reacting to something,

You can understand how you are feeling,

You can notice it,

But you can then choose how you react.

And then it's not reacting,

It's responding.

You can choose then to,

Instead of say something that you always say or do something that you always do,

You can respond by,

Wow,

You must be having a hard day today,

Or wow,

That tone of voice sounds like that you are upset.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Or you can say,

Wow,

I don't really like that tone of voice.

You have a softer one?

I don't know.

You can come up with whatever response you need,

But it's not coming from a place of reaction.

It's not coming from an automatic programming that you always do without thinking.

It's coming from you being conscious,

From you being in the present moment,

And from you deciding to do something different to the same trigger.

Okay?

So instead of you receiving a trigger,

Receiving an event that evokes something in you and you're reacting automatically,

How you have always done it,

If you want to change that,

You are going to use your metacognition to,

You will receive that thing,

You will use your metacognition to understand what's happening,

Notice how you feel,

And then you will choose to respond differently.

That's going to look different in every situation,

Depending what you want.

But if you want to stop reacting to a specific thing in your life,

The first step is to notice it.

The first step is to notice how you feel,

Notice when it happens,

Notice the recipe that is causing you that emotional charge,

And stop reacting.

Give yourself a chance to give yourself time to think about it.

Even if you feel the need,

Just repress it intentionally,

And notice,

Wow,

I feel like screaming now.

I feel like running away now.

I feel like telling these words to this person.

I feel like doing this to this person.

But I choose,

I choose consciously not to do that right now.

I choose to understand.

I choose to,

And maybe you decide to respond differently,

You know,

In the best way possible that you feel is going to serve you the best.

Okay.

So Kathleen says,

I prefer to test with some people rather than speak on the phone so that I don't react to what they are saying.

I can think before I respond.

Yeah.

That's beautiful,

Kathleen.

And sometimes this works really well with couples.

I do this with Samantha sometimes.

We are having conversations that maybe are really too emotional.

And if we try to have them face to face,

It becomes pretty much impossible because the emotions are going to get on the way.

And then we have to emotionally self-regulate.

And when we are doing that,

We don't have the capacity to receive,

To understand.

Reading,

You do it at your own pace.

There is no tone of voice.

There is no,

A person looking at you,

Expecting something from you,

Asking questions from you.

You can create the space that you feel safe in.

You can read it as fast or as low as you need.

You can cry.

You can scream.

You can read it in different ways.

Maybe you read it in stages.

Yeah.

Communication,

Different ways of communication can be very,

Very helpful when this happens.

Okay.

So guys,

I hope that this session was helpful.

This was a lot to unfold.

I know this is uncomfortable.

I know it's uncomfortable because I go through this a lot.

And I,

What I choose to notice,

I choose to put my awareness into what's happening.

And sometimes it's really difficult.

Sometimes it's very uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's very threatening.

But sometimes I want change in my life.

I want to stop reacting the way I do.

I want to start owning my truth.

I want to communicate more clearly.

I want to be able to hold space in uncomfortable situations.

I choose that.

That's what I want more of in my life.

So emotional self-regulation is something that I have to keep mastering.

And it's not easy.

But if you choose to do that,

It's going to help you with your time management big time,

Big time.

Because every time you are going to face an activity,

A commitment,

Something that you are feeling,

There is something here that I don't like that feels uncomfortable.

Now you have a recipe.

Now you have questions to ask.

Now you have strategies to use.

Now you understand that you don't have to react the same way that you always do.

Now you understand that you have the opportunity,

The possibility to create time for yourself.

You deserve to have space and time to assimilate,

To think about it,

To reflect.

You can ask for that time with whoever you are dealing with.

I don't think no one is going to tell you no.

And if they do say,

Well,

Right now it's not a good time.

I need time to think about this and I don't want to react.

You can just say that.

I don't want to react to this.

I need time to process this.

I'll come to you.

I'll come back to you.

If you have to communicate with someone else.

If this is all about you,

Then you have to start looking inside and you start to,

You need to start owning what's in there with respect,

With empathy,

With,

With lots of care for yourself.

Stop judging.

Just look at what is.

I am feeling overwhelmed.

Okay.

That doesn't make you a bad person.

That doesn't make you incompetent.

That makes you an overwhelmed person.

And there is a reason why you are overwhelmed.

So let's just understand why am I overwhelmed?

Why am I feeling anxiety now?

Why am I procrastinating this task?

I'm not lazy.

I just want to understand why I am procrastinating this task.

And I don't believe I'm lazy.

I believe that there is something on the way for me to do that task in the way that feels good to me.

So what can I do?

Do I need to do this task?

I will ask the question,

What,

How do I define this task?

Who am I doing it with someone else?

How,

What are the steps I need to follow?

Why?

Reminding myself of why is this important?

Where,

Where am I doing that task?

Guys,

I am creating a new course for Insight Timer and I'm having a hard time doing it at home.

So I am choosing to go somewhere else.

I'm just going to go to the library.

I'm going to go to the coffee place.

I'm going to change the environment because clearly being at home,

I always find excuses.

I don't find the motivation I need.

And it's just not the right space for me right now.

I'm going to change the environment because it's not the right space for me right now to do it.

So that's a clear opening that is going to improve my time management.

So when I try to write that course,

I have to go somewhere else.

I cannot do it at home.

I already know that.

So that's a huge eye opening for me.

And then the last one is the when.

When am I doing this?

I might try to do a very mental and analytical task first thing in the morning when I am not awake and I don't have that capacity.

I'm trying to be creative late at night when I am feeling really,

Really exhausted and I just don't have energy.

So what happens if I flip those things?

What happens if I try to be creative when I am awake and I try to be analytical when I have the capacity to be analytical and start discovering how your energy cycle fluctuates throughout your day?

So just think about that,

Okay?

Yeah.

So thank you so much,

Guys,

For being here today.

I invite you to use these questions.

I invite you to be present.

I invite you to be gentle with yourself.

Always be curious and cover what is.

Stay in the present moment as much as you can.

And just practice these skills,

Guys.

These are skills that they need to be practiced.

Don't be afraid to be some going to ask these questions and be really from a place of curiosity and from a place of willing to learn,

Willing to uncover.

Okay.

Always be gentle,

Be patient,

Forgive yourself.

And yes,

Try to do this because you want to do it because there are things that you want to change and remind yourself of the reasons why you want to change it.

Because this is all about you and what you choose to do.

It's not about someone else.

Okay.

Your Nalin says,

So do you still live in Canada and want to move to Spain?

I hope it works out.

Yeah.

Everything was,

Yeah,

We have flights.

We have,

We don't have a place to live in Spain there yet,

But there are options.

And we had a beautiful person that hopefully she can still get the apartment that we have here and take care of our car.

And I know it will work out the way it's supposed to,

And I will do my best.

That's the best I can do.

Okay,

Guys.

I hope you have an amazing rest of your day.

And I will see you next week on Tuesday,

Where we're going to be talking about reframing.

Okay.

Changing your mindset with the reframing techniques.

It's going to be a very powerful technique that is very tied with what we talk today.

It's tied to the what question.

What and how.

Okay.

It's like,

What are you trying to do?

And the why.

What,

Why and how.

Those are the three questions that tie really well with the description,

The definition of what you are trying to do,

And how much power there is when you change that definition into something that feels good to you,

Into something that feels attainable to you,

Into something that feels doable for you.

And it all that takes is come up with a different definition of the task or the event that you are trying to create in your life.

So until then,

Have an amazing weekend.

Thank you so much for the donations.

I've seen some coming in.

I really,

Really appreciate your support.

And in the meantime,

Feel free to check my courses if you have the time and you are a members plus.

You can always donate in any of my tracks if you feel,

If you find value in them,

If they help you.

I always appreciate donations.

I always appreciate you supporting my work.

And yeah,

Until then,

Have an amazing rest of your week,

A weekend,

And I will update you on how things are going here.

Okay.

Adios guys.

Reviews

This is EXACTLY what I’m working on right now. Other than my range is 1-5 not 1-10. 1-5 is less broad and overwhelming to me. 1 is bliss, 5 is blown. I don’t act on 4 or 5, sometimes 3 depending on the subject, or individual. Thank you for the sign I’m heading in the right direction. I look forward to your future insight.

Thank you for sharing 😊