How To Give & Receive Healthy Help (Live Session Recording)

Learn how to offer and how to receive help. There are specific steps for healthy and successful communication that need to happen to be able to feel comfortable and safe to receive that help. If you are planning of giving help, you need to make sure that the person is ready. Join to learn more!
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Transcript

You good morning everybody happy Tuesday how are you guys doing hi at cheetah how are you it's a pretty dark day here today training can you guys hear me well and see me well good morning Amelia good morning Deborah hi Jodie how are you guys doing today so many people hi Loretta hi Judy hi Gary hi Jodie hi Sonia back again yeah this week I'm doing three lives guys good morning car nice to see all of you today guys I am so excited about today's topic because I get this asked all the time how can I help someone that needs help how can I help my husband how can I help my wife first time being in your class welcome I'm so happy to see you here are there any other new people to my life's good morning Vanessa first time in your class to welcome the envenidas yes first time amazing a lot of new people thank you so much guys so my name is Emilio Jose Garcia I am the co-founder of a company called KW professional organizers and since 2012 I have been helping people declutter and organize their lives with embracing minimalism practicing self-care and just giving them clear step-by-steps on how to do things to be more organized and all of these comes from my own experience of helping like right now we're 350 people in their homes so I love doing these kind of sessions to share the things that I have seen to share my own experience and also to open up the space for you guys to share whatever works for you too and today's topic guys is a huge one it's a really really big one and a very important one why because life is all about community is all about support giving and receiving and we all have to manage that hi Cassie hi creative hi Debo thank you so much guys for being here I was just playing my singing voice a little bit to set the tone go money again today's group have a wonderful day all thank you Fini infinite so I am curious to know before I get started guys why are you here today are you here because you want to learn how to receive help are you here because you want to give help hello from London hi Beverly are you here because you are frustrated with someone what is it why are you here just become aware of the reason why you are here guys I struggle with receiving I am here because I need to learn how to accept help as I am overly independent and stress myself out I have a problem with cladding and had bad experiences with help from friends I am here for fellowships mostly but for information I am an exhausted caregiver let help to my head learn help for myself to open my heart to receive beautiful I want to learn how to ask and receive help I want to give help to learn to trust more hope to learn how to get help I have issues with letting my unhealthy always go me too silly want to learn how to receive help I am here because I get angry so easily and take things too personally I need help can you be more specific about why do you get angry do you get angry at cheetah when you are receiving help or someone is trying to help you or when you are trying to give help and people don't listen to you like when are you feeling angry and frustrated session is about the session is about how to receive and offer healthy support and healthy help okay first time amazing nice to see you here get help and help someone who is living like a holder thank you guys so much for sharing one of the first steps of being able to receive and being able to offer help is always to connect with yourself and to really connect with your intention okay what is your intention what's that instrument this is a singing ball guys I don't know if you can see like there is some something carving here and it's basically singing ball made with I think over seven medals and this one is made by hand from Nepal so I have the little one yeah it's a Tibetan singing ball is called I have the little one and I also have a bigger one that this one sounds amazing look how big this is this one it's a deeper kind of dome needing help for needing help me or others needing it triggers a trauma to response in me I get anxious and g3 amazing beautiful ball Thank You Monica Wow yeah we when I travel the world I was in Nepal and I really loved the ball so I bought myself a pair and I shipped them back home to Spain to Barcelona and honestly I don't know what happened my man my mom had them at home and when I went back two or three years later I asked them where are my Tibetan balls and she had no idea where they were and they will go and I looked the entire house and I couldn't find it morning or series I want to learn how to proactively help others through hard times rather than saying if there is anything I can do let me know that sounds is so soothing yeah so when we went to Barcelona one of the times probably three years ago I decided to buy ourselves my wife and I to a pair so that we can use at home and we also use them in live sessions with people and also in live sessions like this so I pretty much do everything in my home and I never get offers of help until I have a meltdown Deborah amazing thank you that's a great awareness and that's we're gonna be talking about how to deal with that how to clearly communicate your needs how to set healthy boundaries needing help makes me feel guilty for imposing on others CJ I will invite you to to reflect about how do you feel when you have someone else that is asking for your help do you feel drained or do you feel energized after do you feel well or do you feel bad having the opportunity to offer your help and seen that person getting better things thanks to your help how do you feel how do you feel after giving help to someone in a good way because most likely you're gonna say I feel good so when when someone else is trying to help you and it's the right help that we're gonna talk about that it needs to be the right help okay if you say no but you really need it and you really want it and it's just your internal issue you are preventing that other person from feeling wonderful you feel wonderful when you give help so why someone else can be can feel wonderful offering your your offering you help when you really need it when you are open to it and when it feels good to both okay how to develop self intuition or intuition about life I will say I'll be check I hope I'm pronouncing your name okay I will say that you are the one who have those answers the intuition is inside of all of us okay and the only way that you can tap into your intuition is by allowing yourself time to be present time to connect with yourself in a way that feels good to you for some people that's called mindfulness and meditation just sitting quietly for some other people is going for a walk alone in the woods surrounded by trees for others is going close to the water if they have water around and the water is the element that makes them feel good and unconnected for others is just taking their shoes off and going into the grass and just grounding themselves with the earth you have to do whatever you need to do to feel well to feel connected with yourself and from that place of connection that's when you are going to find that intuition because the intuition is inside of us it's there screaming at us but sometimes we are too busy to even hear what that intuition is saying okay so yeah connecting with yourself and connecting with yourself can happen in so many different ways it's called self-care it's called time with yourself it's called allowing yourself a little bit of time to really process your emotions to really become aware of what you are feeling and why and then be able to recognize your mental health how are you feeling right now why are you feeling the way you are feeling what can you do to make your mental health better or you know what I mean like it's a it's a journey that we all take in different ways how to boost self-esteem I cheated that's a great and very deep question how to how to boost self-esteem I would say that is by there are a few components here and please people help me out here in the chat share whatever you feel how can you boost your self-esteem I would love to read what other people are saying in from my experience I will say the way for you to boost self-esteem there are a few that come to mind right now okay and I don't have a list it's just things that come things that are coming to me right now practicing self-love okay loving yourself for who you are accepting yourself for who you are looking at yourself in the mirror and saying I love you I love you Emilio I know you are trying your best I know that you are doing what you can in every situation I am proud of you okay say that to you what works for is positive affirmations I read it in on a mirror amazing Vanessa that's that's what I'm saying that's one one technique okay positive self-talk absolutely guys don't be mean to your self be always try to be gentle with yourself that's one another one is to be really clear self-esteem comes when you feel that you are doing the right thing when you feel that you are succeeding whatever that means to you when you feel that you are connected that you are loved that you are worth it that you are that you allow that love to come to you right and if you cannot receive if you cannot connect with yourself and really love yourself for who you are doesn't matter what's happening outside if you cannot connect with that your self-esteem is always going to be low because you are not nurturing that okay taking care of yourself keeping promises to yourself amazing I love that keeping promises to yourself is a huge one guys don't set yourself up for failure make sure that you are connecting with yourself you are owning the decisions that you are making and that you are taking action self-parent talk to yourself like a loving parent with love notes to yourself amazing over you are talking about in a child work so powerful so needed we all have in a child traumas no trauma just stuff that happened in our infancy stuff that we were program because that's what we saw and we form our habits and routines and our beliefs about the world were formed when we were little so you have to go back to that time and really understand why those things were formed and do deep work and that's called in a child work do what you love and don't listen to what others say great self-care that nurtures you it's not selfish it is necessary absolutely guys create your own self-care list and this is something that also helps for communication with other people guys if you don't know what other people need how are you supposed to support them so this is my self-care list just one example this one is very elaborated but you don't have to make such a big one you can just get started doing something very basic a few bullet points of things that make you feel well okay so for example taking 3d breaths like I promise you when you do that three times you are automatically going to feel better because it's science guys when you breathe more you're bringing more oxygen to your brain your brain is recognizing that you are safe you are not running you are not running out of breath you are not like nervous nothing is attacking you okay so you are relaxing so the brain says okay now I can relax now I can be more focused I can be more centered and from that place of calmness that's when you can start tapping into your emotions that do a body scan there are so many things that you guys can do and if you are interested I have a course on inside time about self-care attend a course that you can take okay and I also have a new one about minimalism that I just released last Friday so make sure that you check them if you are interested learning to listen to your inner self and trust instead of listening to others for yourself work that's a big one it's okay to listen to other people but you are the one with the answers you are the one who knows what you need okay so sometimes people are telling you things and sometimes you are not even asking for them so let's let's dive into the the topic of today okay I have a few bullet points to follow and I think it's really really important so the first thing when you are trying to communicate when you are trying to offer help or receive help the first thing that you need to do it's okay let me ask you first before I say anything guys what do you think you need to do to make sure that you are giving or receiving healthy help healthy support what are some components that you think that needs to happen for both people to feel well giving and receiving so that is a healthy interchange what do you guys feel it's needed establish boundaries amazing job clear messages clear communication absolutely understand that the giving receiving is coming from a place of good intent intention guys intention amazing compromise and reciprocity reciprocity yes a feeling of mutuality not up-down relationship amazing being present active listening guys good timing absolutely both party needs to be ready for the interchange no one wants to be told what to do if they are not ready to receive you need to be in a good place consent guys you know all majority of the kids already you need to be in a good place that means that you need to be in a good mindset you need to be open to receiving you need to be open to receiving help okay ask if other person wants advice suggestives or just to be listened to before offering Leslie nailing the head I myself I'm a fixer I've been a fixer my entire life and I'm learning how to stop being a fixer because I don't need to fix anything I don't have the responsibility to fix everything in life okay so anytime someone comes to me sharing something guess where I go the first my first intuition is to how can we fix this let's fix this and people don't want to be fixed they don't want you to fix anything they just want to come to you they want to share with you they want to be heard they want to be understood and maybe later they want to be held but right now it's not your job to fix anything it's just be curious no judgment amazing and then care que seguin a persona no solamente sisto para los otros so you have to really connect with that right and just be present and it's not about you guys it's not about you or what you want it's about them and what they need and I'm starting to do that with my wife especially like when she comes to me I just asked her like what's the outcome of this conversation like what do you want from me right now because honestly if not I may I may try to go to fixing place and I don't want to do any of that right so I just ask like what would you like to have happen in this conversation and then she said I just want you to listen to me perfect so I just turn off my fixings switching my head Emilio you are not responsible for doing this and maybe you don't have to feel bad if you see a possibility that she's not seen now it is not your job to do that right now she's not asking for it so you don't have to do any of that you just have to listen and say everything's gonna be okay I'm here for you can I do anything for you sometimes people want to be head yes to let their thoughts what do you mean what what do you mean I'll cheat and what's your question reflect back reflect back to the person what I hear so that they can affirm or help me understand better if I'm off amazing that's intentional dialogue and I'm gonna cover that it's called imago dialogue and that's very very powerful it silences the other person too if we go into fixing more instead of listening to them absolutely clear absolutely it's so hard to stop that mindset if you have been raised with that mindset so hard to really listen to the person without taking action I tend to do with my kids and they say no mom we don't want you to fix my my daughter is the same yes this is fantastic speaking up about what you need and asking people what they want there's a certain outcome to the conversation is beautiful Allison sometimes it is needed because sometimes I don't know and I want to be prepared right I don't want to be dumped into a place that I don't know what to do I don't know what I'm expected to do so I just ask clearly like what do you want from me like do you just need to be heard do you want me to give you advice what do you need from me and then the person will tell you and hopefully we will start developing the success knowing what that person needs having more empathy and then you start flowing more into that and then you kind of feel what's right in the moment instead of you having to ask all the time but that's a matter that you need to flex what do you mean let their thoughts hit the air I cheated that means that someone someone needs to be heard meaning like if I'm feeling frustrated about something and I just need to say I cheat I'm frustrated when when this person says this to me I don't want you to tell me anything I just want you to to listen I just want you to I just want to let out my thoughts and let out my emotions let out what I need to let out but I don't need anything else to come my way right now I'm not ready to receive anything I just want to let it out okay so hitting the air means just speak your words the words hit the air and they stay there for a little bit because sometimes we need space to understand and when we are talking out loud when we are being listened to we have a lot of aha moments that if the other person doesn't let that space that air that breathing space there if the other person is just answering to you right away they are not letting that space to be and you sometimes need the space okay I tell folks I just need to vent and I need you to support me what do you mean let their thoughts hit the air so I hope is that clear our cheetah is that yeah okay so okay yeah guys you share so many great things okay so the first thing is like yeah what's your desired outcome and this should be for both parties like what is our desired outcome right here from this conversation right like what is it and then this is something that sometimes it's okay to ask ask straight but sometimes you will have a feeling sometimes you feel that if that person is crying if that person is coming to you if that person needs a hug if that person is you will read the corporal like a language you will read what the person is saying and sometimes you will feel what that person needs and you will just do it okay you will just give them a hug you will just see them tell me what's going on so you will kind of your intuition will guide you through the process but if you are not sure it's okay I think it's okay to ask just to make sure that I can support you in the best way possible like what would you like me to do right now you just want me to listen to you just be honest ask you don't have to know everything okay so understand the background and the reasons just behind everything that that person is saying it's okay sometimes to ask questions if that person is it's stuck and that person needs a little bit of support you can ask permission like would you like me to like ask a few questions so that I can understand better what you are trying to tell me or you just want silent right and then that person will kind of tell you or you will feel it always always connect with that intention okay is this about you or is this about them especially when you are trying to offer help especially like I get a lot of calls sometimes or messages saying my husband needs help my wife needs help my mom needs help what do you think happens in my head when I hear that guys what do you think do you think that's a red flag for me yes or no someone calls me someone sends me a text and say Emilio I need you to help my wife I need you to to help someone else they need help you think it's a why do you think that's a red flag why do you think for me that's a red flag and please don't be shy sharing the comments there is no right or wrong answers here guys I just want to make sure that you guys are understanding and that forcing help open someone who might not want it amazing because they are trying to control red flag to bake can only ask for yourself the other did not ask for help exactly guys I have no idea because it's hard to see it in someone else is suffering and it's you know they are not asking help for themselves sounds codependent amazing guys you are hitting the net in the head there like the first thing I ask is like okay is your is your wife there is your husband that can I do they do they want help did they ask for the help and then if they say no like I said I don't want to help someone that is not asking for help because they are not going to be ready to receive so what I do then I just point them I just invite them to go I invite them to share resources with them I invited to say invite them to come to one of my life sessions we're not considering what they value what they are loyal to what they are afraid they may lose yeah amazing so there is context there is background missing there I have no idea what that person is going through I have no idea what their desires are I have no idea what they are trying to accomplish I don't even know if they really want to change because sometimes people don't see a problem but the other person sees a problem so in that specific case would you say that the person calling me is asking for help for the other person do you think that person is asking for help it's all about themselves or about the person they are trying to help what do you think do you think they are making the situation about themselves or about the person that they want to help exactly they have expectations for themselves they want to have something in that situation change so that they can feel better so that they can get benefit from having a different space from whatever right so in that case if the other person is not asking for help it's all about themselves and at the end of the day it's about the person they want to help I don't think so because if the other person is not asking for help like who is someone else just put yourself in their shoes okay so you live in your home okay and maybe you love books maybe you love books okay books are your priority number one of your life you love books books are your life so for you you have a thousand books in your house books everywhere they are not preventing you from living in your home but you don't have anything else other than books in your home you love them you feel so well in your home and someone comes to your home and says you have a problem you have too many books here you have to have space to have pictures here you need to have space to have other things why do you have only books but you don't have a problem you feel grounded you are not frustrated your mental health is great you are thriving in life and someone else comes and says that you have a problem how would you feel will you feel attacked will you feel supported will you feel inspired how would you feel because this is something that happened like this is something that happened especially when people get together defensive absolutely why because someone is attacking you someone didn't even ask you how are you how do you feel someone is just judging you right and this happened so many times with physical clutter and especially when people are sharing the space I'm a management consultant and designer my job is to make people's workplaces better but some people don't see the problem this is my issue that I want to prevent.

Alison,

Because there are so many different styles right I have helped so many people declutter their homes and especially in family settings and couple settings and I can tell you that if we cannot become aware together if we cannot be respectful and have an intentional dialogue together be heard everybody needs to be heard everybody needs to have an input okay everybody needs to have a say and until that doesn't happen no one is going to change anything because if I have a partner that loves books and they have a thousand books and I don't like books and we move together into the same apartment guess what maybe maybe that's frustrating me maybe I need space for myself too so we are then talking about that communication needs to happen setting healthy boundaries needs to happen and maybe those healthy boundaries are this is your room this is my room and if we live in a one-bedroom apartment guess what that's not an option so what is the happy boundary there what is the happy balance there the only way to get to that happy balance to that space that is designed for everybody is to have clear communication I'm an Indian no I'm not an Indian I'm from Spain but I was in India over a year so I'm very familiar with Indian people in how they live and the culture and I immerse myself in India for over a year so love the country busy pretty much everywhere there but yeah so guys that's the first step communication what's the desired outcome here and there is no problem until you have to share spaces together that happens with physical spaces right and then finding the happy balance is so difficult guys I was looking at the documentary the other day and some people here in Salt Su Marie that is a city up north in Canada they were promoting how they as a couple they live in two separate apartments that are together door by door but they have the entire separate apartment because they what they had such different styles such different ways of living such different style and stuff and they just decided to have different apartments and I know that sometimes that's not doable for everybody because it's very expensive right but I'm just going to the extreme of like that's one option that's one possibility that so many people don't even consider in our house my wife and I we used to have our own separate bedrooms for a while until Eva came why because we were noticing that we were sharing our bedroom everything was shared and we didn't have our own space a current understanding of what is yours mine and ours is at the core of moving into healthier life amazing so we were having trouble sleeping together because I move a lot and then she she needs like a session blankets and I was boiling so we tried separate beds we try like different things and then we we just decided like why don't we have separate rooms for a while let's try because we work from home it's our office we sleep here let's give it a try we give it a try amazing we loved it but then Eva came and we live in a two-bedroom apartment so we didn't want to move so now we are back to sharing the space and we can make do but guys the possibility of having two separate bedrooms was amazing and that doesn't mean that the relationship is ending nothing like that it's quite the opposite it's like guys when I was living with my parents I had my own room Samantha was living with her parents she had her own room and then we moved together and we lose everything do you think that's fair just think about it right so that's why sometimes it's so difficult to like find the happy balance so I don't believe his partner had separate homes yeah and sometimes we have so many beliefs so many and I'm not saying what's right or wrong here I'm just talking about possibilities okay possibilities of things how things could be and it's nice to explore everything that's possible sharing a room versus having different homes and everything in between right it's nice to explore it's nice to like test especially if you are frustrated okay so a warning sometimes a mediator can be a good choice you guys are aware you know guys what a mediator is some mediator it's someone who is in between two parties or three parties facilitating the communication I do that a lot with families because the son has a preference the daughter has a preference the the mom has a preference the dad has a preference and then when they get together to try and talk sometimes because they are so involved emotionally sometimes someone saying something feels like an attack why because because you are too attached emotionally and you just can't have a fluid conversation because you are being triggered because the emotions get on the way then someone starts screaming someone starts crying and all the sudden there is no clear communication there is no clear communication it's not possible in that case thank you for your donation in that case you have to try something else and guys it doesn't matter how much action you take it doesn't matter how much you try to change things if there is not a warness clear communication everybody feels hurt everybody feels understood everybody has an opportunity to give in the input if you cannot get there doesn't matter what you do physically in the space it will never work because you will always find resistance resentment people will not be happy someone will not understand what you are doing someone will have the role of trying to do everything and the other person won't have a chance to participate so all those things start happening all those dynamics start happening and then receiving help in that environment is very difficult offering help in that environment is very difficult so a mediator can come from the outside world and then listen to everybody really get everybody accountable to what they are saying set the tone of the conversation and then find that happy balance where everybody can sacrifice a little bit but not too much and everybody feels that is fair everybody feels like okay I'm happy to sacrifice 300 of my thousand books so that you can have space for what you love that is maybe having a thousand shoes I don't know I'm just making stuff up but it's about the input it's about everybody having an opportunity to participate okay so yeah so the communication is to flow okay people need to be open for for receiving help and you have to ask permission for for giving help and make sure that the person is ready to receive it if you feel hurt you can compromise absolutely you are more likely to compromise you are more likely to be curious and open-minded to new possibilities when you feel that you are being supported you are being respected and you are being heard absolutely as a born and raised fixer I am learning to get more comfortable in holding space when someone is need is need allowing them a safe space to express themselves without fear of judgment or a need for intervention amazing just time to be fully present for them and truly be some with the sole intent for them to be held in my experience this is so powerful for the person in need and myself absolutely it is so needed and it is so difficult to do sometimes it's so difficult to do because we are not how many of you have been raised in an environment like that that intentional dialogue is happening all the time that everybody is allowing everybody else to speak to be heard no one is trying to fix you all the time how many people have been raised in an environment like that I would like to say me and if you haven't just say no I just want to see nope nope no so guys you see here like we were not raised like this but now we are becoming aware of the possibility of having intentional dialogues the possibility of being heard without being fixed at the same time the possibility of having space a safe space to share a safe space to say what's going on inside you it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong it's not about that it doesn't matter how the other person feels it's not about them it's just about you bending out about you letting that thing out and then you can look at it and you can understand wow like why was I feeling that that doesn't make any sense but until you let that thing out in a safe space with support you will not be able to to digest that emotion you will not be able to let it go okay so guys be gentle with yourself you see no one here I didn't see a single yes did anyone say yes raising and talking family I don't see a single yes so now here we are like I'm 42 years old guys I don't know how well you guys are but here I am four decades after trying to change something that has been happening for 40 years 26 so lucky you to be here with 26 years old Abhishek Chappo you are doing great already 26 I wish I was doing this work when I was 26 years old okay but so be gentle with yourself all these things are going to face resistance you're gonna try to go home now and try to set intentional dialogues and people are gonna be thinking what are you talking about here this is something weird who are you Jesus Christ you know what I mean people will start judging you a lot using words that will trigger you a lot okay using religion using spirituality using stuff that they don't understand that they haven't been exposed to and they're gonna tell you things that are mean and then you have them two jobs to do try to do intentional dialogue while managing your own triggers your own emotions and everything that's coming up for you it's a work in progress baby steps absolutely so that communication needs to happen until until everybody feels excited and motivated to get started making the changes that are required okay I repeat that this conversation this intentional dialogue needs to happen until everybody is excited until everybody is motivated and if everybody feels like yes I want to try that yes that sounds interesting I have no idea if it's gonna work but I am willing to give it a try because what's happening now it's not working I don't want what's happening now again so I'm willing to try something else to see if I can make it better and if it's not better guess what I will try something different the worst case scenario is that you stay where you are because you are aware you're not gonna go worse than this you can't because you are aware and you know where you are so you're just moving forward and you know that you're gonna face resistance limiting beliefs triggers blah blah blah so when that happened that's when you have to set healthy boundaries okay what's a healthy boundary guys just tell me what's a healthy boundary how can you cultivate intentional dialogue with someone who is resistant and not able to be honest about their feelings willow by first doing the work on yourself first second by respecting that person actually by clearly communicating what you need clearly communicating what you are missing clearly communicating how that behavior makes you feel in a way that is not judgmental in a way that is not attacking that person in a way that you are being loved into that person but you are stating very clearly what is it that you want and need and why when that happens there are two options here I can think of one option is that that person loves you a lot and that person sees you know what like maybe you are right I have no idea how to do this but I'm willing to give it a try try something different what can I do that's your open door to maybe suggesting something okay maybe inviting them to like come to a live session read a book practice intentional dialogue what are you to be your following whatever you feel is the right fit for you guys okay then when that happens that's one option the other option is that that person is set stone no this is not for me I don't care about this when that happens you have to set a healthy boundary here and if the communication is not flowing the way you want and it's it's a toxic relationship and you cannot change the other person and the other person doesn't want to change then you have to make hard decisions you have to set healthy boundaries you have to protect yourself and you have to still love that person but just listen to your heart you have you know the answer inside you I'm not gonna tell you what to do what not to do like you will know what to do in that time I I know it's hard and I I know that sometimes things are very unclear maybe comparison must be stopped every soul is born different healthy boundaries to love and connect but having clear what you will not allow and communication is effective and stick to it yeah narcissist brother-in-law and I'm finally free yeah so healthy boundaries is basically yeah you guys said it really nicely once you get clear on the things that you need once you clearly communicate everything that you need and why and once you can have an intentional dialogue with other people and really listen to them and really respect their position it doesn't mean that you that you accept it or that you embrace it doesn't mean that but you are hearing them and you are respecting their point of view but if that point of view is affecting you in a negative way the only thing that you can do is just set a healthy boundary and that healthy boundary can be set in so many different ways like one example for example I saw this okay a grand grandparents okay they were taking care of their grandson okay and parents were working all the time they decided not to use daycare and they decided to always use their grandparents but they didn't even ask them so the grandparents saw themselves in this dynamic of all the sudden they have to get up every morning at 6 30 a.

M.

Go to their house with a car grab the kid bring it back home give them breakfast and then take them to the daycare and then picking them up for the day so amazing work right and they were feeling like mmm this is not really what we wanted for our retirement right but they were feeling selfish if they were to us but at the end of the day that was a toxic relationship because they were feeling taken advantage of they were feeling that they were not even asked so they started setting a healthy boundary and a healthy boundary was like I don't want to be responsible for my grandson all day every week because that's not my job okay so they had a conversation with their kids and then they ended up finding a compromise that everybody felt comfortable with and that was like three days a week the day the grandson was in daycare and then two days a week it was with the grandparents and then that way the grandparents had Tuesdays and Thursdays that's the day that they decided because then they have Monday Wednesdays and Fridays off so that they can rest they can do their own stuff they can push through their home with whatever but they can still enjoy the grandson so that was what happened through them right so that was the healthy boundary and that everybody was okay with it at the end but they had to step their foot they had to say this is not working for me this is why this is not working this is what I would like to see how can we make it happen okay so cool voice love your accent just like to say you have a really good voice is that to me thanks well I guess I'm the only one speaking thank you I didn't doing the work now my family members are turning to me for counseling and it plays on my gift for them having to witness my trauma induced self-destruction it's wonderful that now they want what I have but I'm having a hard time not trying to help everyone I love I hope living my example will be enough yeah so now you are stepping into different dynamics right now Holly now that you have done the journey some other people have have seen you going there and they want to go to where you are so they're gonna come to you for and ask for help but that's your time to set healthy values how do you want to help people how much and you get to decide that and that's another guys guys you get to decide how you help people you get to decide how you receive help okay that's my help too yeah so let's talk about the intentional dialogue and this is something that you guys can explore it's called Imago I am a G Oh and there is a book about it that you can probably find at the library or you can buy it online but it's a it's a very clear dialogue that someone else mentioned in the comments before that is all about you listen to what the person is telling you and then you have to repeat word-by-word what they said and then you have to ask did I get it and then you have to say is there more okay so you start having that dialogue and then all the sudden you are not finding yourself trying to find the next answer you are actually listening and you are there and you are just stating what they said and just asking if it's correct you don't have to fix anything you don't have to do anything okay so that's one one thing that I want you guys to to use another thing that we my my wife and I use a lot is a timer when we are kind of hot and we are having a heated conversation an argument sometimes we do a few strategies here okay so when we pick up the timer that's because one of us is identifying that we are take the conversation is escalating to an unhealthy and toxic way that means like we don't wait until we are like screaming at each other we just when we know that we are not patient that we are not listening that we are not allowing that safe space that's when we one of us will get up and pick the timer from the fridge or from whatever it is okay and then we'll set it for a minute and then I say okay who starts and then before doing this we actually stand up we hold hands like this and we jump we do that for maybe like 20 seconds 30 seconds guys we jump a few times and the energy changes completely we are smiling it's playful it's movement we are holding hands we are intentionally grounding ourselves as a couple together so we do that and then we sit on the table and then we start fighting no you start no you start no you start so I start and I set the timer start I have a full minute to share okay and then when this goes off I stop it and then I pass it to her and then she has a full minute sometimes if she needs more we respect each other and we give ourselves more time but we are not allowed to speak to say anything if we don't have the timer that's another very simple strategy you can use it with an object say whoever has the object is allowed to talk and the other person cannot talk so that's a boundary that's a way of communication that can help you make sure that everybody is doing their part okay you can find guys do you have any other ways of communication that you have found helpful if you do please share them in the comments because there are so many different ways of doing this okay that's to make you both take a step back when one of you sets the timer step back what do you mean by take a step back when one of you sets the timer I don't know what that means creative if you can be more specific we'll be happy to answer yeah I really like the jumping on the time and idea what a great way to diffuse things yeah guys sometimes the energy is physiology right like the movement of the body can change how you feel so that's something that we started doing and it's like I don't know I learned it from somewhere I saw someone doing it I guess and we just did it one time and said this feels so good why don't we do this every time we are in an argument okay so if you have if you hey if you guys have any other techniques that you use please share them in the comments okay thought of the day though or figure out what works for you yeah you just have to try things guys you answer me Emilio I mean does it diffuse the situation a little yeah absolutely it does it absolutely does because all the sudden we are in our heads we are kind of like thinking what am I gonna say next she's attacking me I don't like that and then you have to stop that pattern you have to stop thinking that you have to hold hands you have to look in the eyes you have to start jumping and honestly it's so silly that you're just doing that see what are we doing this is a big any sense so you are taking your brain out of the normality and the brain is going bananas it's like what's happening here I was in that pattern I was having fun like going deep into that negative and all the sudden I'm in the middle of this jumping thing that I don't understand so you just break the pattern and that's that's what what if your panel is resistant Kathy find something else you don't have to do that jumping thing you can find something else do something that will spark a smile in your partner do something that the planet doesn't expect honestly yes it takes that the parents do something that the panel does not expect and it will make him feel like what are you doing why are you doing that that's enough to stop the pattern from from keep it going in a 30 in a 30-minute actually moment I just shut my mouth and reach for my partner's hand and it helped amazing guys I remember like being at home okay my dad had a period of bipolar like high really highs really lows and I remember that he was when he was getting on the highs he was just getting aggressive he just wanted everything his way and sometimes like I just realized I don't have to fight him well he wants something and I don't want I create a healthy boundary and if he's not respecting it I will just do something that will that she will not expect he will not expect sometimes he was a robot and then I will just go him puppy I love you and I will give him a hug and they will be like another time I will just go to the kitchen and then bring a glass of milk puppy you want a glass of milk another time I will just say wow like what's this here do you know that this was made of whatever so he's his brain is expecting something from me he's fighting for the energy that that's what's happening when someone is heated they are fighting for the energy they're fighting to be right they're fighting to when that doesn't happen and everything delutes and the other person is not being attacked it's not being triggered and it's not feeding up and that the other person has nothing to do they cannot control you right so that's what I used to do with my dad with my sister yes hugs just be present just stuff that they will not expect and then all the sudden they will feel like okay what I'm doing clearly is not working it's like a small kid they are trying to throw a tantrum to see if they can control your behavior if you can keep your cool you can just do whatever you want and they don't they don't find a way to like push your button with the tantrum they will stop doing because it's not working they are fighting for the energy well it's about power guys everything is energy life when you are having a conversation with someone else there is energy flowing between you two anytime you feel drained and someone feels energized that was an unhealthy dynamic that was if someone wins and someone loses that's not a healthy dynamic that's a fight for the energy and it requires two people to make that fight right so if you are grounded with yourself if you know what you want if you are clear about your intention and you are clear about who you are and you don't let things outside of you control you people will not find a way to fight with you because you will you will not participate okay yeah tantrum is a perfect word grown-ups have them more than told absolutely we all have tantrums we go into our tantrum in so many different ways and sometimes it works and that's why we do it because it in some way it serves us okay something else that I wanted to share is the intention versus impact okay intention versus impact of your words you guys know what that means and guys we are almost at the end of the session I just want to remind you that inside time it works by donation so if you are enjoying this conversation and you are finding value I will really love if you can support me with a donation if you can and if you cannot there are other ways that you can support me that's by following me by taking some of my courses I have two courses one about self-care a 10-day self-care course and another one is about minimalism that was just released last Friday it's a 14-day course about minimalism so the way for you to support me is by enrolling in the course that if you have the membership of Skillshare sorry of Inside Timer that's free for you you don't have to pay extra but then engage in the classroom that's how you can support me the most and you can support yourself because you are sharing in the classroom in the course classroom you are being accountable I can support you and Inside Timer really rewards me when people engage in the course classroom so I would really appreciate if you can do that so I was talking about thank you so much Caroline,

Linda,

Ella,

Amazing thank you for your support so intention versus impact of your words thank you Jackie thank you many rewards to you thank you Shelley so what does that mean sometimes you want to tell a person something okay and you have an intention I would like to say to this person X I would like that person to understand X Y and Z thank you Shelley but when you try to say the delivery is different maybe you use something in your in your voice tone tone of voice maybe you are too aggressive in the delivery so the the the impact of your words it's it's different than the intention let me tell you one example okay I was having a conversation with who was my partner like 15 years ago I had a really long relationship with him nine years and then we were having an argument about something and I remember that we were talking and I was inside myself I was feeling what I'm saying I think it makes sense and it's right but I don't understand why she's so upset so we kind of separated and then we came back a few hours later and then I think it's so much less for your donations I've seen so many of them so she can she came back to me when we were cool down and then I asked her like what happened and then she said what you were saying was right and I was just going crazy what are you saying so why did we fight why were you so upset and then she told me because the delivery wasn't right because when you told me you were too aggressive and I I just I just wasn't listening to you anymore I was just protecting myself that day I learned the impact versus the intention of your words since that day I really tried to watch how I communicate with people because I understand that I can be saying something beautiful to you but if I am saying it like this you are not going to you're not going to get what I'm trying you're not going to understand my intention you are going to just see my delivery and the impact of my words is gonna be very bad so you're gonna be protecting yourself so just an example imagine that I come to you and I say I'm having a really hard day today and I came home and I see that the house is a mess I see that all your things are around and it really affects my mental health and I would really love if we can do something about it it doesn't have to be now but if you can really help me figure out a way that we can both feel comfortable so that would be one way how would you feel if I come home and I say that and you see me down and I'm be nice soft tone of voice like will you support me would you try to do something yes or no I'm curious maybe no but would you try to listen to me would you would you be open to my request yes or no what happens if my intention is the exact same thing I would love for you to understand that your mess is driving me bananas every day okay and my passion is gone I just can't do it anymore man it's an accumulation of things through throughout my day but when I came home that was the job that filled the class right how would you react if I come home I open the door I shut the door like this I say your stuff is everywhere can we please do something about it will you help me will you be open to like to to having a conversation or would you be like this just think about it how would you feel so that's a clear I will be paralyzed and not be open to listening softness makes my heart open and I exactly guys so every time you are offering a request every time you need something from someone keep in mind keep in mind the delivery keep in mind connect with your intention and make sure that the impact of your words the impact of whatever you do it's true to the intention that you had and make sure that the other person receives it in a good way okay so I can tell you that so many times with my wife we are in a in a negative situation and we cannot find the way to communicate clearly with each other even using the timer we don't even want to jump together we are in this really dark place and the only way for us to be able to get out of it you know how we do it guess how do you think we can do it how do you think you can how do you think you can communicate with someone what you really want making sure that your intention is clear making sure that your intention is it's there but without eliminating all the impact that the delivery can have space in writing boom in writing guys in writing why sometimes it happens in writing we write a letter to each other okay we write a letter why because when you are writing a letter if you are dealing with something very emotional something that is triggering something that you are being very affected by facing the other person and keeping your cool it's very difficult because you you are trying to be a person you are trying to be grounded but you are a lot of stuff is coming up for you right and sometimes you you just can't control it and that will pull hello from Texas hello Natalie so by you allowing yourself the space and time to write it you're gonna be able to write the letter from start to end you're gonna be able to express everything you're gonna be able to reread the letter you're gonna make sure that you are writing the things in in a nice way in a good way that the letter is expressing your true intention and you are avoiding all the delivery issues that you may face if you were to have a face-to-face confrontation confrontation I I wouldn't I don't like confrontation I would say a face-to-face like meeting because guys we are energy sometimes the energies that that are happening between two people or more people are so intense that we cannot process them we don't have time to process them and they may trigger behaviors they may trigger patterns that automatically happen and you just can't control them because they have been happening for so many years that all the sudden you say something that you regret right away but you said it so the impact is already there you know what I mean she may say something and I would say that thing already will set her off completely for hours so that's why writing a letter sometimes is the best way to communicate okay how do you know if they correctly interpret what you intend in writing Becca because once that happened I can tell you that the energy I can tell you that everything is she is way more receptive once she reads the letter first she feels supported she feels respected she feels special because I took the time to write her she has the opportunity to read everything that I wanted to say without seeing all my delivery issues that I may face and then she's open and receptive to having a conversation and then I then asked did you understand what I brought did you understand why I felt the same I did did you understand that that thing that I did is a trigger because of XY and said and then we start having this conversation and then it goes to a different place okay this is study what happens with me and my partner immediately like we always explode when face-to-face in my context the male ego always comes in between how to deal with that guys the male ego the ego is energy the ego is energy accumulated that you have created behaviors all patterns sometimes it's a defense mechanism that you create to protect yourself from situations that you don't know how to manage sometimes you are fearful and then you just there at the ego at the end of the day if you are grounded if you practice regular self-care if you are clearly communicating with people if you are being intentional a lot the ego will not have space to creep in so much and if you are doing deep work if you are really understanding why the ego is there why those reactions are there meaning like if I sometimes my wife says something to me and I react and I say something mainly I can then reflect I can write that down and I can really sit in a meditation or maybe go to a male's group or maybe go to therapy bring that up and say this is what happened I have no idea why I said that but I want to dig deeper into that and then someone else can help you go deeper into that specific thing if you start doing that with everything that's coming up for you you keep a journal where you are writing everything that's coming up for you so that you don't forget and then you have the opportunity to have someone else guide you through the process or you have the opportunity to reread that when you are feeling grounded when you are doing your meditation when you are going to the forest by yourself when you are doing whatever you need to do to make yourself feel well you're gonna read that and you're going to have aha moment you're gonna understand wow like I say that because I feel that I don't deserve love I feel that I don't deserve love because when I was little my dad never told me what I was doing right he always pointed what I was doing wrong and that triggers me you notice that right like that's something that happened to me when I was little my dad had the belief that the best way to help me progress in life was to only point what I was doing wrong never praise what I was doing right so that for me cause a lot of self confidence a lot of I don't deserve this I'm not good enough who am I to do that blah blah blah and I see my dad's role in so many powerful people around me anytime I have a boss anytime there is a strong masculine energy could be from a female from a male it doesn't matter it triggers me and I know it's there and I know that comes up and my my first intuition is to Emilio protect yourself Emilio don't do anything Emilio don't speak Emilio don't share don't make mistakes so that's that's that's that's something that's an ego piece that I have inside me okay and it's not that my dad loved me guys my dad really loved me and I know that but that was his way that that's what he left from his dad my grandfather was like that and we are all victims of victims we all try to do our best we do sometimes we just don't find the best way to do it but why are you burning your journals Kathy if that feels good to you just do it okay so I have a couple more things to share with you before we go another thing that you can do is a think about the different kinds of help that you can offer right because sometimes sometimes people may need so there is coaching there is mentoring there is giving advice so there are so many different ways of helping others right and sometimes you will use a variety of them but sometimes sometimes people come to me for example imagine that you come to me and you say Emilio I'm trying to declare my home okay some people may be at the states that they need me to tell them the how to do it okay so I am just mentoring them I'm just sharing with them the step-by-step I want you to do this I want you to do that some other people may come in a very emotional state they are not ready to do the work yet they need clarity they need awareness they need to really understand what's happening and they will not be able to move forward until they get to that state so in that I will use coaching I will ask questions I will help them come up with their own answers I will not tell them what to do why to do it no this is not about me this is about them so I will get clear about you need to be clear here you need to share what do you want to do what is the transformation you are seeking for why do you want that how is your life going to be better after what's standing on your way right now so I will ask a lot of questions and then let them come up with their own answers let them come up with their own things that are that need to surface for them so that's coaching I'm not telling them what to do or how to do it I'm just guiding them flowing with them I don't know where I'm gonna go but they are kind of that dictating how things go okay letting go full moon drops are amazing yeah so so that's it guys this is what I have for today's session I hope that this was helpful I know that there are so many different ways of communication but these are some of the basics that I think if we all follow these basics I think communication will be so much easier guys I think communication will be so much rewarding so much encouraging and supportive and just make sure that you keep in mind all these things right keep in mind thank you Susie for your donation keep in mind that be intentional be clear about what you are looking for in the conversation be clear about what the other person needs make it all about themselves if you are offering help not about what you want especially with when with physical like I find a lot of people like trying to help their parents their parents have their own ways they may have clutter but they may only live for ten more years and that's how they feel good and I always ask them like is it is it worthy for you to really fight them to do something that they don't want to do to do something that they don't have the energy to do to do something that at the end of the day it's all about you not about them because you know that you will have the problem once they are gone but if they are not willing to do anything and that's getting on the wave between you and them loving them just just reflect about it there is no right or wrong answer just reflect about it is it worth it the fight is it worth it you try to change them is it worth it how can you find different ways how can you set healthy boundaries how can you communicate your own needs like just find different ways I roughly but love what you said in the last few minutes I am recording this this talk at you by the way so you will be able to find it in a few days as a recording in my profile okay this has been so incredibly helpful muchisimas gracias Emilio muchas gracias arizon I really like it and enjoy receiving I receive from you guys whatever you say I want to accept it with love and with I love it thank you so much for being nice very heartfelt knowledge excellent delivery and personal share were powerful thank you thank you Jackie it's all about personal share right it's all about our own experience we can read a thousand books but if we don't connect with with those emotions if we don't get grounded everything stays here and then it's not enough having information here you have to like process it and make it an experience so that you can really feel it and experience it okay guys do you have a great session thanks gracias Emilio thanks so serious thank you to you and Samantha for your amazing book learning so much oh thank you Suzy so happy that you are reading me thanks so much invaluable talk glad I will be able to listen again yeah I will post it now and it takes normally two to three days for inside timer okay to to process it this resonates so much had an argument last weekend with my mom because I wanted to insist my point of view TP be gentle with yourself again like everything I share is just take whatever you feel good with let go of the rest and make sure that you find your own way a way that feels good to you a way that feels good to your parents and a way that you can still interact with them and your smile makes me day thank you Becca thank you very much Emilio namaste everyone namaste okay guys I let you go happy happy Tuesday and I will see you on Friday by the way what would you like me to cover next week before I go I need to create two life events next week what would you like me to cover I always like to ask so that I don't come up with topics that that maybe no one wants to hear about is there anything that you would like me to go in anything that you would like to talk about what and then compare them relationships what this attempt next week so next week I am just remembering that this my birthday on shoes on the team so I think the 17th I will take the day off to spend the day with my family so next week let me check sorry Tuesday I won't be here but Friday manifest what do you do by manifest happy birthday thank you making an acting on difficult but obvious decisions more healthy relationships happy very thank you thank you guys I feel relationships okay yes second day in place in our how to set boundaries in difficult circumstances what to do when reaching an impasse but don't want to end the relationship those are tough topic group dynamics and relationships how to get your needs met without going into fear manifesting okay okay I will see what I can do with this information guys thank you so much Sharon happy birthday thank you how to discuss with parents your childhood times of feeling unsafe because of their mistakes I will invite you Becca to change the mistakes for another one okay because when you tell them mistakes what do you think they are going to do do you think they're going to be supported and respected or do you think they're going to be feel attacked because deep inside Becca I don't know if you have kids but if you do have kids I will say a lot of times people may may feel that you're making mistakes but are you truly intending to make mistakes or are you just doing your best and that's the best that you you can do right now and you are not seeing another option maybe you just need to work harder maybe you just need to understand more things but right now in this moment you're making a decision based on whatever but I wouldn't say that you are making a mistake intentionally you are just making a decision the best you can right now so I will invite you to use a different word than mistake but yeah that's a really powerful actually my wife Samantha she's doing therapy and she was invited to share with her parents how they express fear how they express love how they express connection how they express all these emotions right because then she became familiar and then she understood why she's the way she is because she's a replica of them so that's a really powerful get defensive yeah get defensive mistakes is a pivotal work that will cause them anger absolutely so I will say like in my case when I when I was talking with my dad like the first thing I I did was try to understand his childhood right try to understand why he was the way he was and I was asking him a lot of questions about how was your family dynamics when you were little how was your dad with you how was your mom with you then he starts sharing a lot of stuff that I really sorry this makes me cry a little bit but I just picture my dad as a little boy right being attacked by his dad and then he dressing up having all the all that trauma right and then him facing me and my sister there little ones running around pushing all the voters having time to stop and then him trying his best to be the best that he knows how to be right so did he make a mistake I don't think so I think he tried his best so try to use a different war if you can no guys don't it's not pain it's not it's something that is inside and it's good to let it out you guys have to let it out because it's there for a reason and you have to digest these things and for me this is still I have done a lot of work on this and it's still I guess I feel the pain that he was feeling when he was little and then I try to think about my grandfather when he was little right and what he was facing too and then instead of seeing my grandfather as a narcissistic or whatever you want to name him I just saw him as a victim of his dad or his dynamics or whatever happened right and we all do what we can the only thing that I know is this when you are facing someone with love when you are accepting them for how they are and really being grateful to them they're going to be open to you it's good to feel even if it doesn't feel good yeah even if it doesn't feel good guys you have to let it sit you have to like watch it you have to really understand why it's happening okay Emilio had terrible argues with my parents but at the end I accept that I was the one able to change and communicate better not them have to grow more in communication that it was humbled with that understand them and had a great communication with when they left amazing I'm so happy for you I'm so happy that you were able to do that Juliana because at the end of the day the love that you can have with your parents nothing should get should stand in the way of that yeah thank you kitty it's necessary you have to forgive them you have to really understand the reasons you have to have empathy and you have to break that energy connection that you have with them you have to stop letting them control you energetically and when you can do that and you are not triggered anymore for what they did and you can connect with why they did that connect with that they didn't that do that in purpose they didn't do that intentionally because deep inside they were doing that because they thought it was the best thing to do even if the impact was completely different okay that's very much harder when they were growing up absolutely thank you for sharing crime is healthy they actually stress hormone I love crying guys I don't I don't hide from crying tears are also sign of love absolutely okay thank you go guys thank you so much for for being here today I will see you on Friday that we're gonna be talking about a completely different topic just paper okay and then I will think about next week's topic but I have some ideas from you so thank you so much sometimes you need to cry absolutely guys let yourself the space to cry thank you for your vulnerability the other media much love thank you thank you again I need the paper session yeah let's do the paper session on Friday okay bring all your questions bring everything that you need to know about your paper and let's get it done okay don't worry Juliana if you can donate that's okay yes make sure if you can support me by writing reviews or enrolling into a course if you are a members plus just do that and that's awesome thank you for being here okay guys have a great Tuesday adios