Discovering & Honoring Your Communication Style

Finding the right way for you to communicate with others can be the difference between a successful and heartfelt experience, or a frustrating interaction. Join live to become aware of your communication style, and pay attention to how others like to receive what you have to say. You'll love it!

Note: This is a Live Session Recording.

Transcript

Welcome everybody to another session.

Today,

I want to talk about discovering and honoring your communication style.

Thank you so much for making time in your busy day.

Thank you for your presence,

For showing up,

For listening.

Today,

My goal is to have a conversation about this necessary topic,

That is communication,

And how can we make the most out of communicating with others,

And also communicating with ourselves.

And it all starts by understanding,

What is it that we need?

How can we receive?

And also by becoming aware of how can other people receive from us,

Okay?

How can my wife receive from me?

How can my daughter receive from me?

How can my friends,

My coworkers,

Whoever is around me?

How can I make sure that they can receive what I'm trying to say without interference,

Without strong emotions,

Without distractions,

Without feeling triggered.

And I want to talk about different things in here.

I have some lists,

Some notes on my journal,

Of things that came to mind for me,

That I feel are important.

And I always trust my intuition,

My guidance about what to share here.

And I also let it flow a little bit.

And I also invite you guys to use the chat anytime you feel to share what's coming up for you,

To share how do you receive best?

What kind of communication style do you enjoy?

And then I would like to share after some examples of my real life,

And also invite you to use some examples on how these different kinds of communication can come into play in your day-to-day life.

Okay?

So if you do a quick search on Google or somewhere else,

And you just type communication styles,

You're gonna find a lot of things in there.

You're gonna find assertive,

Aggressive,

Verbal,

Non-verbal,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

But my goal today is more of the awareness behind how we feel,

How present we are when we are communicating.

Either we are trying to express what we need to others,

Or we are actively,

Hopefully actively listening to other people and creating a safe space for that person to be able to share with us.

Okay?

So that is my intention for this chat today.

Also,

I wanna note a difference between the intention versus the impact that your words can have in someone else.

And also for you to notice how sometimes the impact that you sense from other people when they are trying to communicate,

How it's so different the impact that their words have on you versus the intention that they had when they came to talk to you.

And this happens because so many times when we are verbally communicating,

And this is one kind of communication,

It's verbal,

It's one-on-one,

It's personal,

It's life.

And this can be very,

Very rich,

Sometimes can be very nice,

And sometimes can be very intimidating,

Can be very scary.

Especially like,

For example,

If I am doing this with my hands,

Maybe I am elevating my tone of voice,

Maybe I do this when I talk,

That can trigger some people.

Some people can feel triggered.

And then when someone feels triggered by something,

They are going to protect themselves.

They are going to put a wall and kind of like,

When you feel unsafe,

What do you do?

You do something to protect yourself.

So when you are protecting yourself and you don't feel safe,

You are not really listening.

So you are not really receiving 100% of what the other person is telling you.

And I have a clear example of this from my own life.

Many years ago,

I was with my ex-partner,

And I remember very vividly that we were having an argument,

And I was just trying to communicate something to her.

And I was sure that what I was saying was right,

And that it was reasonable,

But for some reason,

She just couldn't receive it.

And then I remember that we went into this argument and then we separated.

She went one way,

I went the other way.

And a few hours later,

A few hours later,

We came back and then we were able to be rested,

Be not as emotionally charged.

And we were able to sit in front of each other and really ask her,

Hey,

What happened before?

Because what I was trying to say,

Like,

I think it made sense to me,

But I don't understand why you couldn't acknowledge it.

And then she told me,

Like,

Emilio,

What you were saying,

I agree with it,

But the delivery,

You were too aggressive and I just couldn't get it.

I just couldn't receive it.

That's why I had to protect myself.

And that's one example of how the intention I had behind that communication was one,

And the impact that the way I delivered that communication was completely different.

So this is a very specific example that still happens now many times with my wife,

But she calls me really very quickly.

She normally tells me,

Emilio,

I don't like your tone of voice.

Emilio,

I don't like what you're doing with your hands.

Emilio,

This is not a good time.

So she can verbally express what she needs and I am really happy that she can.

But this is an example of how sometimes verbal one-on-one communication,

Maybe it's not the right approach,

Okay?

And this is where we can talk about different ways of communication and a combination.

I always like a combination.

When you are trying to express something that may be challenging,

When you notice that maybe yourself or the other person is getting tense,

Emotionally charged,

There is something on the way.

That's a great sign that maybe keep going verbally like one-on-one like this.

Maybe it's not the right approach.

Maybe writing a letter,

Maybe recording a voice note and sharing that with them,

Maybe making a video and sharing the video can be very helpful because sometimes people need time and space to process,

Okay?

I talk about emotional processing a lot in every course I create,

Emotional mental and emotional processing.

And this is basically any time that you are noticing a strong emotion show up that is going to condition the way you feel,

The way you can listen,

It's very important to have space and time to process that.

And each of you are going to process that on a completely different way.

That is why space and time sometimes are needed in order for you to be able to keep going with a specific conversation.

And if this is happening in real life,

One-on-one,

And there is no silence,

There is no pause,

There is no time,

There is no space,

That's when you feel overwhelmed,

You feel attacked,

You feel unsafe.

And what happens when we feel all those feelings?

We go into fight or flight mode.

We get aroused.

We get on survival.

We are not thriving.

We are not calm.

We are not receiving.

We are trying to keep ourselves safe.

And that's gonna look very different for each of you,

But in that state,

You are not ready and able to clearly communicate and receive and express when you need to express.

That's why mindfulness,

That's why self-care,

That's why doing something that makes you self-regulate yourself is so helpful.

And then you can go back and try and finish that conversation.

But for this,

To avoid this specifically when you see a pattern that is happening,

With my wife,

Sometimes we touch some topics and we notice that we try to do a dialogue,

We try to talk,

We try to do it in several locations.

And for some reasons,

It just doesn't get through.

In those scenarios,

I know that the best way that how she receives is written words.

It's not my way of expressing,

But sometimes I do that.

Sometimes I will write a letter.

Sometimes I will really think about what I wanna share and maybe do a voice recording.

Sometimes I will make a video and then I will share that with her so that she can watch it,

She can pause,

She can take time to understand,

To notice what's happening.

And she doesn't have my presence there waiting,

My presence there expecting something from her.

Sometimes that's very intimidating.

So that's an example of a combination of ways of communication.

Maybe we start verbally,

Then after we change to written and then we allow some time and space and then we came back verbally and maybe we can do another round of audio,

Video,

Written,

Whatever,

And then that helps us keep processing whatever we need to process.

And then when we sit together face-to-face,

We are ready.

We have had the time that we needed to process,

To understand,

To put ourselves in the other person's shoes and then come together with more empathy,

More patience and feeling more grounded and feeling safer.

This is the most important word,

Feeling safe when you are communicating.

Because if you don't feel safe,

If you feel attacked,

If you feel overwhelmed,

If you feel anything strong,

You are gonna have difficulties being present.

You are not going to be actively listening and you don't want that when you are communicating.

It's my turn,

Delivery,

Help.

Kenyetta says,

I am a poor listener.

I really try to wait and hear the other person.

Yeah,

So Kenyetta,

This takes me to another couple of sentences that I wanted to share,

Right?

Many,

Many times we listen to reply.

The only thing that we want is for the other person to finish so that we can reply and get our point across.

But what we have to build more capacity and more skills at is an active listening.

Listening actively means that you are present.

You are breathing.

You are aware of what you are noticing in your body,

How you feel.

You are relaxed.

You are not feeling unsafe.

You are not feeling anxiety.

You are in the present moment,

You are calm.

And then from that place,

You are also listening and you are actually listening to the words of the other person,

Understanding what they are saying,

Maybe asking further questions that you may need to really understand and put yourself in the other person's shoes.

And you don't need to agree with what the other person is saying.

Sometimes you have to really validate what the other person is feeling,

Even though you may not agree with it,

Even though you may not accept what they are saying,

But that's the reality right now.

And when we are actively listening,

We are giving them space and time for them to express whatever they need to express.

Then after you have your turn,

After you can say what you feel,

What you think,

But at least you are listening,

You are validating,

And you can say,

Yes,

I understand that you feel this way.

I understand that you see the reality from that point of view,

It makes sense.

But that doesn't mean that you have to accept,

You have to agree with it,

Okay?

This is the other person,

Space and time to share what they need to share.

Kenita says,

My childhood trauma,

I wasn't heard.

I didn't get validated.

As the adult now,

Speak,

Capital letters.

Now I know like Emilio,

Chill,

Be patient.

Be present for the full concept of the topic.

Kenita,

It's very true.

You mentioned a key word,

Childhood trauma.

What is the key word that you would use to describe your inner child trauma?

That is something that we all have experienced.

And this is why I was talking before that many times our way of communication,

Our tone of voice,

The way we look,

The way we move our hands,

Our breathing,

Our speed,

Maybe are making the other person triggered.

Maybe when they were little,

Their father,

Their mother,

An adult that was present was doing that to them.

And they have that experience burned in their brain.

And anytime they hear a specific tone of voice,

Anytime they hear a specific word,

A specific gesture,

It will trigger that event.

And they will start feeling what they were feeling when they were little.

And this is why understanding that and doing that inner child work that is basically processing,

Giving a different meaning,

Accepting what you are truly feeling,

Understanding the circumstances,

Why you reacted the way you reacted,

And reframing things and really processing in whatever way you need so that that experience that you had no longer has power in the present moment.

It doesn't mean that it didn't happen.

It doesn't mean that you may not feel stuff about that experience when you think about it,

But at least the intensity of those feelings are not as intense to shut you down in the present moment.

And the more you practice,

The more you do that work,

The more you are present with those feelings,

And the more you process,

The less intensity that those emotions coming from those triggers are going to have in your present current life.

So that's why when you are having a conversation and you notice that something really strong is happening in your body,

Most likely it will have nothing to do with what's happening in the present moment.

Maybe the person in front of you may have nothing to do.

They are not saying anything that doesn't make sense to you,

But something in that person,

Something in that delivery is triggering those past emotions,

And you are reliving them in the present moment.

And as you can see many times,

It doesn't make sense for us to keep doing that.

But if we had a choice,

We wouldn't do it.

That's why this is all unconscious.

This is all work that we need to do to heal ourselves,

To process those experiences that we had.

And they have power over how we communicate now.

And this is why they are connected.

This is why it is important to do the work,

To really get curious,

And to really be willing to understand why you react the way you react.

And Kenyetta,

In your specific case,

You say,

I was unheard,

And I didn't get validated.

Of course,

That's a huge trauma.

That's a huge thing that they took away from you because you needed that.

And that's a wound that you have.

So you have been carrying that wound until now,

But now it's your opportunity to really understand what can I do in the present moment to don't let that wound keep controlling the way I communicate with others.

And that is the work.

What can you do?

Maybe you can go back,

Try to witness yourself as a little girl,

Not getting what you needed.

Maybe you can do work with your therapist around that.

Maybe you can reframe what happened.

Maybe you can create different beliefs that serve you better now because when you were little,

You did what you could with the knowledge and consciousness that you had at that time.

But many times we keep doing the same strategy until now,

And it no longer works.

But that is what we created.

So how can we create something different from a place of empathy,

Compassion,

Acceptance,

Forgiveness?

How can we create something different so that we can start communicating and we stop giving those triggers so much power?

Feeling ignored,

Not acknowledged triggers you.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

And this is something that it triggers majority of the people like when you feel ignored,

When you are not acknowledged,

You feel like you don't matter.

You feel that no one cares about you.

You feel that your voice has no value.

And you're getting into this dynamic.

And then that's why it's so important first to really honor what is it that you need,

Verbally express it,

And then start creating communications that honor that.

Because if that's what you need,

You have to start asking for it.

You need to start creating scenarios,

Creating settings where you feel safe,

Where you get what you need.

And the people around you,

People who love you and support you,

They need to know what is it that you need?

How does that look like?

And sometimes it has to be very clear and specific like with my wife,

Samantha,

When we did the couples workshop that we did for six months,

I remember that we started to communicate in a completely different way.

And sometimes it felt forced,

It felt too structured,

I was feeling resistance against doing it that way.

But she needed that,

I needed that,

We needed a safe container,

We needed to have clear terms,

We needed to don't talk,

Don't interrupt,

We needed to validate.

It didn't matter if we agreed to it or not,

It's not about us,

It's about them and what they need.

And then after we were able to do that,

We were able to get things across.

And then I was able to understand why she was feeling,

What she was feeling,

Why she was behaving the way she was behaving,

And she was able to understand my point of view.

And then every dialogue was allowing us to understand each other better and also to create the structure of communication that works for us.

And that is a mixture,

As I said,

Sometimes it's verbal,

Sometimes that verbal communication is not safe.

And my wife would say,

I'm not feeling safe right now,

I don't wanna keep going this route,

It's not safe.

I wanna have a dialogue,

I wanna create a structure,

Or I wanna do it in a different time.

And we need to honor that.

We need to honor that.

And that's another point that is really important.

Sometimes it is not a good time to talk to people.

Sometimes you may have a huge need to communicate something,

But the other person is not ready.

Maybe they are not in the right state of mind.

Maybe they are stressed doing something and maybe they may not say that,

But they may try to be there for you.

But if you notice that the other person is scattered,

Distracted,

Not present,

Impatient,

You can ask,

Hey,

Is this a good time to have this conversation?

Do you prefer to do it at another time?

And if so,

When?

And what do you need to make this conversation more safe for you,

More enjoyable?

You wanna do it in a different location?

Can we light a candle?

Can we do something?

Can we go for a walk instead,

Instead of being stagnant here?

Get curious about understanding how the other people can receive better from you,

Because now you are becoming aware of all these things.

You are doing the work,

You are self-regulating yourself,

But other people maybe don't have those tools.

Maybe they forgot that they had that option.

And I myself forget so many times,

I forget that I can express what I feel.

And my wife,

She's just so patient with me because so many times she says,

Emilio,

You have to tell me,

Don't let it build up until you are blowing up and you explode,

And then I don't know what to do with it.

You have to share with me before.

You have to call a dialogue.

You have to express what you need,

What bother you,

Et cetera.

You have to do the work.

You cannot let it be,

Let it be,

Let it be until it's too overwhelming and then you don't know what to do with it.

And then I can sense that from you.

And then I don't feel safe because you are too emotionally charged.

And then you come at me with this voice,

With this eyesight,

With these hands,

I'm talking really fast and I don't feel safe and I will protect myself.

And that's what happens.

So it's my work.

I have to learn how to do that.

I have to remind myself that I have the choice.

I have the option to speak up when I need to.

I don't have to let things explode or be too overwhelming.

When I sense something,

I can share that.

And then that is the work for me to be present,

To be aware and to create the space and feel that I am worthy to create that space,

That I am not being a burden.

I'm not interrupting someone else.

I am also important.

And so many times I try to avoid that because that's my nature.

That is my pattern.

So let me see.

Erin says,

In my attempts to be thorough,

I over-explained things.

As my husband says,

He doesn't have the patience to listen for long.

He loves getting handwritten letters that he can go back and re-read through.

Amazing,

Erin.

That is an amazing example of how you may thrive with verbal details and your husband,

He will get lost in the middle of the action.

This actually happens to me and my wife.

So many times I am explaining something and I can see very clearly in my mind.

And my wife is telling me,

Emilio,

I got lost.

I don't know.

I lost track of this.

I am a visual person.

I need to write it down.

I need to see something.

I am not retaining what you are sending me.

So it's not working.

And I get so frustrated because to me it's so easy and so clear,

But for her it's not.

And sometimes she's trying to communicate something to me in the way that she feels.

And she wants me to do a blueprint and use colors and be so visual.

It's like,

I don't need any of that.

So you need to honor what I need and I have to honor what you need.

And we need to find what is that happy balance.

And that's a beautiful example,

Erin,

Of what you guys are doing.

You do a combination of communication styles.

And it's important that you guys speak up and don't take it personally.

If your husband tells you,

I got lost.

I just need a note.

I just need you to write me the instructions.

Don't take it personally.

It's just a different way of learning.

And that is okay.

Practice every chance I am blessed with.

I have to get comfortable with speaking up.

I go into phone mode and try to appease the other person.

Kelia,

That's me too.

That's my tendency.

I don't want to inconvenience people.

I want people to like me.

And sometimes I will stay quiet because I am afraid of being myself.

I am afraid of saying what I feel.

I am afraid of being silly,

Of asking something stupid,

Of I'm afraid of saying something that someone may not like and then I have to be in that energy that is uncomfortable.

And so many times I can push through that with no problems.

But sometimes I really sense it that it's so heavy and difficult.

So I totally understand what you are saying.

Kenyetta says,

My therapist should ask for a moment,

Step away immediately being a breathing technique.

Yeah.

So there are so many different techniques that we can use to self-regulate.

And as always guys,

Everything that I'm sharing here,

It is very deeply connected with executive functioning skills.

I talk about them pretty much in every session lately because they are connected.

And if you are not aware of them,

I will invite you to explore them.

I create a full course about executive functioning skills that you can take.

I also have some content on the platform that you can listen to.

I have some podcast episodes too.

I really recommend that you become aware of those executive functioning skills because in this specific scenario that we are talking about communication,

Some of the main skills that you are gonna be using consciously or unconsciously are metacognition.

That is the skill that allows you to be present,

Allows you to notice what you are thinking,

How you are acting,

How you are feeling.

So the metacognition is the skill that allows you to be in the present moment,

To be mindful.

And when you are trying to communicate something,

Being mindful,

Being in the present moment is such a beautiful thing to have,

Building that capacity,

Being comfortable with the silence,

Being comfortable with someone saying something that you don't agree with,

Creating space and separation for that person to be able to be themselves at the same time that you are protecting yourself and you understand that this is all theirs.

You don't have to agree to anything.

You don't have to do anything with it.

You are just holding that space for that person.

That is metacognition.

When you start noticing that you are feeling charged emotionally,

You are feeling triggered,

Something is happening and it's changing the way you feel,

The way you act,

The way you speak.

That is a strong emotion or strong emotions that are showing up.

In there,

You are using your emotional self-regulation executive functioning skill.

And this is where you are going to learn maybe breathing a few times really deeply helps you.

Maybe stepping out in nature,

Coming back helps you.

Maybe going to a different space where that person is not present and getting away from the energy of the other person and then coming back at a different time can be helpful.

Going and petting your dog or your cat and spending a couple of minutes with him or her,

That can be something that you can use to self-regulate yourself.

Taking a shower,

Whatever you need.

That's an emotional self-regulation technique.

And another very important executive functioning skill that we use,

It's called adaptable thinking or cognitive flexibility.

And that skill allows you to see the reality from different points of view.

That skill is going to allow you to put yourself in the other person's shoes,

To see the reality from the other person's eyes.

And when you can do that,

You're going to start cultivating empathy.

You're going to start being empathetic.

You're gonna start understanding why the other person is feeling,

Is acting the way they are.

And it may not make sense.

It may be wrong.

You may not accept it,

Whatever,

But this is not about you.

Again,

This is about the other person expressing.

And sometimes the other person needs to express that so that he or she can process it and then realize,

Wow,

That wasn't good.

I don't need to do this anymore.

But they needed that time and presence to be witnessed so that they could move on in a different way.

So by you creating that space,

By you not interrupting,

By you creating a safe environment where the other person can share,

You are allowing the other person to do their work and you are witnessing them.

And they are going to then be able to move forward,

To feel validated,

To feel heard,

To feel acknowledged.

And that's a beautiful emotion.

Kathleen says,

This may sound silly,

But I feel like this applies to me communicating with myself.

Absolutely.

Kathleen,

Many times we are way harder communicating with ourselves than communicating with other people.

The negative self-talk and the way we are expressing how we feel about ourselves,

About what we do,

About what we feel,

About what we think,

Sometimes it's really like,

Boom.

So absolutely,

This can totally apply to discovering how do I best communicate with myself?

Is it journaling?

Is it spending time with myself in the form of self-care?

Is it being witnessed by other people when I am telling myself my own stuff?

Is it by tapping?

Is it by whatever?

There are so many different ways of doing it,

But you need to discover what that way is for you so that you can be gentle with yourself,

You can be patient,

And you can do this work.

Kathleen says,

When I write down my thoughts,

They are simple.

When I just think,

My mind is all over the place.

So this is an example,

Kathleen,

That in your own case,

Writing things down,

It's an activity that helps you get grounded because we have different energies that we can tap into.

We have the feminine energy,

That doesn't matter if you are a male or female,

The feminine energy is that energy that is all about feeling,

Dreaming,

Flying around,

Being in the moment,

And sometimes that energy is over there,

Right?

And then we have the masculine energy.

Again,

It doesn't matter if you are male or female,

That masculine energy,

We all have those two energies.

That masculine energy is the energy that creates a container,

Creates structure.

It's logical.

So you have to find the combination of both,

Okay?

You wanna be dreamy,

Flying,

Feeling,

But you also want to be grounded.

You wanna be structured and you wanna be like logical sometimes.

So how can you put them together in a way that supports you,

In a way that makes you feel well?

And that is our work,

To discover what that combination is,

To be aware of those two energies and to be aware when we are in the feminine,

When we're in the masculine,

And how can we blend them together?

How can we find exercises that help us get grounded?

Like you are mentioning.

In my own case,

Sometimes I do a brain dump.

Sometimes I do a mind map.

I design my idea with my wife.

I do what's called a creation with my wife,

And we just did one a few days ago to get ourselves grounded,

To have something tangible.

And then we can feel,

We can explore,

We can dream,

But we have something to fall back into.

And so it's that combination of energies that is really,

Really important.

Justin says,

I am great at beating myself up first thing in the morning and need to course correct.

Yeah.

So Justin,

First,

It's beautiful that you are aware of it.

That is the first step.

You need to notice what's happening.

You need to be aware of the pattern.

So now the work is for you to use that metacognition,

Executive functioning skill,

And to have some sort of practice that allows you to get out of that pattern,

Allows you to maybe tap into gratefulness,

To really see the reality from a different point of view,

Adaptable thinking skill,

And emotionally self-regulate yourself,

The other skill that I talk about.

And how can you combine those skills so that you can start doing something different if that's what you choose,

Okay?

So if you notice that,

Wow,

I beat myself up,

Okay,

So let's be present with it.

What am I telling myself?

Why am I telling that?

Is it really true?

So have I done this?

Have I done any other thing that I can be happy about?

Because this is me.

And many times I am beating myself up.

I feel I'm not doing enough.

I feel that I failed,

I made a mistake,

And then my wife will come and say,

What's going on?

And I tell her,

And then she starts pointing me out.

By the middle,

You did this,

And this happened yesterday,

And this,

And I agree like,

Wow,

Like why did my mind go to that specific niche of just what happened?

But everything else got blurry and ignored.

And then that's a great exercise for me to really breathe and say,

Wow,

There is my brain again,

Just picking on what I did wrong and beating myself up about just the one or two things I didn't do as well as I wanted,

But everything else I ignored.

And they were really beautiful things to celebrate,

Things that other people will be amazed at.

But I always like that.

That's nothing,

It's easy.

So start finding them.

Start really,

You can create a list.

You can think about it.

You can have a visual reminder.

So for example,

This is my magic rock,

Okay?

It's a painted rock that we did,

My family.

So my daughter,

My wife,

And myself,

We all grab a rock that we liked,

Okay?

And we all painted it in the way that we liked.

And then I placed this,

This is placed on my bedside table.

So every night when I go to bed,

I see this.

Every morning when I get up,

I see this.

So those are the two key times of the day where I want to remind myself of when I go to bed,

What happened today?

What is the best experience from the day?

And then I relive that and I go to bed feeling grateful.

In the morning,

I do the same thing.

What do I want my day to look like?

What is something I wanna be proud of myself about?

Or what is something that I would love to see happening today?

Or maybe I go and revisit something that happened the last day.

It's like,

Yeah,

Yesterday I did that.

That was amazing.

Or yesterday my daughter looked at me with that sweet look because I did something that she loved.

And that really warms my heart.

So this is a visual reminder.

It can be anything.

But for me,

It's a,

I call it a magic rock.

So try to find a way to remind yourself of those positive and grateful things.

And that's going to improve the way that you talk to yourself.

So Bambi says,

I brought a letter to my earlier self and it felt so healing.

Bambi,

Amazing.

That is an amazing experience.

And a practice that my wife and I have been doing for the last few years is at the end of every year,

We write a letter to ourselves for the following year.

And then,

So normally on December 22nd,

December 25th,

When we are in Christmas,

We're in family settings,

We have some time,

We will write a letter.

Whatever.

I am feeling this way.

I am proud of this.

My challenges right now are these.

I would like to see next year at this time of the year,

I would like to see this in my life.

I would like to feel this way.

I would like for that thing to not,

Don't exist.

So I would like to stop doing X,

Y,

And Z.

So we try to express in there whatever we want and need.

And then every year we open that letter and it's just so amazing.

This year,

We didn't do it because we forgot the letter in Canada and it's in the middle of boxes packed somewhere.

And we didn't do the exercise,

But when we go back in Christmas,

We are going to try and open that letter and then we're gonna write the following one.

And it's gonna be amazing to read that letter two years ago.

So it's gonna be an amazing transformation.

So yeah,

That's another communication style with yourself that you can express and that's written.

Another thing that I have done in the past is I have recorded a video or I have recorded a voice audio.

And then I set a reminder in the calendar to go back to that recording three months later,

Six months later.

And I found it very powerful because I was able to listen to my voice from three months ago,

Six months ago,

When I was really sharing with myself,

This is what I would like to be doing.

These are the things I would like to stop doing.

These are the things that I would like to start doing.

These are the things that I would like to change.

I am grateful for this,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And then that's gonna be a wonderful thing to have in the future.

Kathleen says,

I have a phrase that I use when I am feeling especially hard on myself.

Depression lies.

And I have to remember that I will be better later.

Yeah,

Amazing,

Absolutely.

Depression lies.

That's what I was talking about my brain sometimes going to just a few little things that I didn't do as well as I would like to and how my brain ignored everything else.

And then deep inside,

That's my brain is lying to me because it's not seeing the reality as a fool.

It's just focusing on something so specific and then beating myself up about just that specific thing.

And that is not fair.

So guys,

Do you have any questions about today's topic?

Something you would like me to cover that I haven't?

Please use the chat.

Be specific if you can,

Of course,

Because we have a few minutes left and I would like to make sure that you don't guys leave this session having something that you need to share or express or ask.

So feel free.

Then I'm just revisiting my notes.

Yeah,

I talk about the importance of silence and presence and how we can all cultivate that skill by practicing,

Okay?

I talk about the importance of avoiding distractions,

Creating a safe space and time for the conversation and asking the other person,

Is this a good time for you to receive?

So Bambi says,

How can we build more confidence as a teacher?

As a teacher.

How can we build more confidence as a teacher,

Tennis teacher?

So how is that related with that communication?

Bambi,

I would like to know what is the angle of your question?

Because are you talking about how can you become a more confident communicator,

Like teacher-wise?

Is that what you're asking for?

Kay says,

How can we know what our communication style is?

Especially if don't communicate to others much.

So Kay,

By practicing,

By noticing,

By becoming aware of the different ways of communication and testing them,

And then by feeling with your body,

With your senses,

How did I feel communicating verbally?

How did I feel communicating in a written mode?

How did I feel communicating by email,

By text message,

By WhatsApp communication?

And then you will discover the ones that you enjoy the most and the ones that you don't.

Bambi says,

I am afraid I am not nice or not social or funny enough.

And you want to lessen your anxiety.

So Bambi,

The first thing in your example,

How can I become a more confident tennis teacher?

Okay,

First of all,

If you're a tennis teacher,

A tennis coach,

Most likely you love it.

It's something that you love doing.

So just that is going to show.

Just be yourself,

Share the love that you have for the sport and really remind yourself every time you have a lesson,

Every time you're gonna show up for other people,

For a group to teach them,

Remind yourself of the reasons why.

Why are you showing up?

Why did you choose to be a tennis coach?

Okay,

Why?

And then connecting with that is going to help you really get motivated and really understand,

Yes,

I want to help people enjoy the sport.

I want to help them thrive and improve their game,

Whatever that is for you.

And then when you are in that energy,

Then you are going to be aware of today's topic.

How can I make my communication style better for others?

How can I honor my own style?

And how can I become aware of other people's styles?

How do they receive better from me?

And some people,

They need a lot of praise.

So maybe you are teaching them and they are making shots and you have to be constantly,

That was amazing.

You can stretch your leg,

But your arms were amazingly positioned,

Keep going and that person needs that.

For some other people,

They hate that.

So praise is not something they need.

So you have to start gauging and learning.

And maybe you can ask,

Hey,

What do you love from a coach,

From a teacher to do for you so that you can thrive?

Just ask them.

And then they may tell you,

Maybe they don't know and that's okay,

But at least you are trying your best.

You are being yourself,

You are showing your love for that sport and you are finding ways to connect with others in a way that feels good to you and to them.

And this is something that you have to practice,

Okay?

But I will say that let go of control,

Let go of expectations and just do your best.

Every time I show up here,

So many times I do feel anxiety.

Every time I do something in a group setting,

I have to remind myself,

I will do my best.

I have no control over everything that's going to happen.

And if things happen,

I have to go with the flow.

I have to emotionally self-regulate and I have to remind myself that it is not my fault.

I am doing my best and that is the best I can do.

And in that mantra,

Things are going to start happening and you are going to remain calm.

Things are gonna happen and you are gonna,

Wow,

There you go again,

Technical problems.

There you go again,

A person that is not being polite to me.

There you go again,

This is happening.

And then you are going to start self-regulating.

It doesn't mean that you are ignoring,

It doesn't mean that you are pushing things down.

Things are happening,

You are aware of them and you choose to keep moving in the way that you choose,

With intention,

With love,

With respect,

Honoring yourself.

So that is my two cents about your question.

How to help the partner to have the same willingness to be called out and for themselves to see the opportunity that communicating will be beneficial.

So Rebecca,

Communication and how can we get other people on board?

So you can't force someone else to do something that they don't want to.

What you can do is to express clearly what's important for you and what you need,

Okay?

So maybe the other person doesn't see the value,

Maybe the other person doesn't see like how this is helpful or maybe they don't even need it.

They don't need to communicate but maybe you do need to communicate.

Maybe there is something that you are bothered by.

Maybe there is something that you need to express.

So you have to clearly communicate that need,

Okay?

And you have to then find a way to create that communication style.

You have to,

You can ask,

Hey,

Listen,

There is something that's bothering me.

I would like to talk to you about something.

How do you wanna do it?

You wanna go out and have a coffee?

We sit at a nice table somewhere and then we can have a chat there.

Would you like me to write you a letter expressing what is it that I would like to share and then we can talk about it.

Would you like me to make a video and send you the video so that you can watch it at your own pace?

And then when you are ready,

We can have a conversation about it.

What would you like?

But this is something that I need and this needs to be expressed.

And I would appreciate you helping or supporting me with this because you are involved in this.

So you have to be very courageous.

You have to be very respectful but also setting clear boundaries.

You have to call in your warrior energy,

Your confidence energy,

However you wanna call it.

So to make sure that you are honoring yourself always with respect,

Always with patience,

Always with whatever values you find are helpful and are true to you,

But don't self-sabotage yourself by not doing it.

That is what I'm trying to say here.

Find a way to do it and find a way to communicate very clearly to the other person that this is something it's a must for you.

This is necessary.

This is not an option.

This is necessary.

And then when you do that,

The other person is gonna be like,

Okay,

Sorry,

I didn't know that this was,

Or maybe they may ignore you.

If they ignore you and they are not willing to,

Then maybe you have to start questioning other things,

Deeper things.

Like why is this person that I thought was supporting me,

Why don't they even wanna hear me out or talk to me?

So that is another layer.

That is another conversation,

Right?

But it's very important that you find a way to clearly state what is it that you need and want.

And hopefully you can find a way to do it.

Thank you so much,

Loretta,

For your donation.

Yeah,

So guys,

Thank you so much for your presence.

I hope that this conversation today was helpful.

As always,

Donations are always appreciated and they support my work.

If you are interested in learning more about executive functioning skills or any other topic around organization and intentional living,

I do have five courses published on Insight Timer that you can check,

And I have more on my website that you can check too.

I hope that you guys can start using these strategies that you learned today to be able to communicate with more fluidity.

If this is something that you found helpful,

I will invite you to share this with another person that you may be trying to communicate with so that they understand what's happening and how to do it and some ideas.

So if you are watching this live,

You will find a recording.

And if you're watching the recording somewhere or you are listening to it,

You can always share it with that person via whatever method you find helpful.

But I would love for this information to be more broadly shared so that we can all start communicating in a completely different way and honoring ourselves and honoring the other people too that are involved in the process.

Okay.

Thank you very much,

Elena.

Amazing.

Do you happen to know Orchateria La Valenciana in Calle Vivao?

I don't.

To be honest,

I'm not a big fan of Orchata,

But I know that it's huge here and that's from Alicante normally.

So yeah,

People like it here a lot.

Awesome life today,

Emilio.

Thank you so much,

Ana.

Well,

Guys,

I hope that you have an amazing weekend.

I hope to see you on Tuesday where we're gonna be talking about something different.

We're gonna be talking about email and how to manage our inbox.

That's something more logical,

More time-efficiently or productivity-wise,

But there are also emotions associated to it.

So I hope to see you on Tuesday if you can join,

And I hope to see you in one of my courses if you wanna join too.

And if you have a specific topic idea that you have in mind that you would like me to cover,

As always,

Please share it.

You can do it so by sending me a message.

You can do it wherever you are listening.

If you're listening or watching the recording,

Put it in the comments below,

Or use my circle on InsideTimer called Your Thriving Lifestyle.

You can also share it there,

Okay?

Amazing,

Guys.

Have an amazing rest of your day,

And I will see you next week,

Okay?

Adios.