Avoiding Getting Hooked By Emotionally Immature Parent (4/7)

In this part #4 of a series on the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, we are going to look at strategies you can use to avoid getting too involved in toxic dynamics with your parents. Becoming aware and trying new ways can create opportunities for healing and transformation. The expectation is not for our parents to change, but more for us to see reality from new angles and have different expectations. The goal is not to blame, but to be very compassionate, accept, forgive, and heal this generational trauma so that we don't continue passing it along to future generations. I can't wait to share time with you! - This is a live session recording.

Transcript

So,

Thank you guys for tuning in to another live session.

Today we are on session number four,

I believe it is,

Of a series of sessions where I cover the book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C.

Gibson.

Okay.

For those of you who may not know,

I do record all of my sessions,

Okay,

And you can find all the recordings by going to my profile link on InsideTimer,

And then you can click in recordings,

InsideTimer live session recordings,

And you can find all the recordings in there.

I have put it in the chat for you to know,

Okay?

And also,

I have here,

If it helps,

I have the name of the book,

And I received a beautiful message from one of you saying that,

Please don't interrupt the session repeating the name of the book a thousand times because people are joining late.

So,

I would like for any of you to take on that responsibility if you like,

Copy and paste the name of the book,

Copy and paste what we are covering in the chat so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times.

So,

Thank you so much for that.

K says,

Before this live,

I listened to your course just midway through your time management course.

Amazing,

K.

I hope that you are getting value from that course,

And I hope that you engage in the course classroom and share how it's going and any questions that you may have,

Okay?

So,

Let's just get,

Let's just transition into the session,

Okay?

I invite you to get comfortable.

If you can,

Close your eyes.

We are just going to take a couple of deep breaths,

And I want you to enjoy the sound of this beautiful Tibetan singing bowl.

So,

I invite you to take a deep breath through your nose,

If you can.

For as long as you can,

I invite you to hold it for a few seconds.

And then I invite you to exhale through the nose,

If you can,

For as long as it feels comfortable to you.

And then hold it,

And then inhale again for as long as it feels good to you.

I recommend that you take it a little bit further,

Just one or two seconds further.

Yes,

It looks like this.

And then you hold it.

And then you exhale.

And then you hold it.

Just do that a couple more times on your own,

And you can decide the length.

Some people do four seconds each,

Some people do six seconds each,

Some people stretch it to 10 seconds each,

Some people do it for as long as it feels good to them.

Just trust your intuition,

Okay?

Just become present with your breath.

I really invite you to pay attention to your breath throughout the session.

Just check in with yourself.

Am I breathing deeply?

Am I holding up?

Am I allowing myself to really inhale and exhale deeply while I listen to the session?

Is there any emotion coming in that makes me kind of like stop that breathing?

Just become aware of what's happening in the moment,

Especially in sessions like this one.

So today,

We are going to talk about how to avoid getting hooked by an emotionally immature parent.

This can also be true for any person that you may engage with that is emotionally immature,

Okay?

And we looked at what it means to be emotionally immature.

We looked at different kinds of styles of emotionally immature parents that also can apply to people in general.

And then today,

We are going to dive into a few strategies that you can use when you are interacting emotionally with this type of parent and also emotionally immature people,

Okay?

So this is really powerful because this is where the rubber meets the road.

This is where we are going to start practicing something different,

Hopefully.

And as always,

A reminder that everything that we do in this session,

I really invite you to be gentle with yourself.

I invite you to be very compassionate.

I invite you to use this information as awareness.

Don't point fingers at anyone.

Don't be critical about yourself.

The goal of this session is to really become aware,

To really step into our power,

And to really start embodying something different.

Start healing this generational trauma that we have been given,

And maybe we're giving,

And really become aware of the reality.

And then from that place of acceptance and awareness and observance,

We are going to start making different choices,

Okay?

It's also important to recognize that you may see yourself reflected from different directions,

Okay?

In my own case,

I see myself reflected as a father,

And I see myself reflected as a child of emotionally immature parents.

So I see myself on both sides,

And sometimes it's really hard to see myself as the emotionally immature father that is doing something to my daughter and becoming aware about that.

And the goal here is to become aware,

Notice it,

And then from that place start choosing something different,

But with compassion,

Okay?

With compassion.

As far as distractions,

I put other people's energy as I am.

Highly sensitive and love with an emotionally mature stepmother.

Just moved in February 1st,

And it was something I was not expecting.

So it is an adjustment.

Yeah.

Emilio,

Could we look at this as also emotionally immature young adults things?

Yeah,

This applies to any person who is emotionally immature,

Okay?

And one of the strategies that we are going to learn today is how to assess if someone is emotionally mature,

Okay?

And then from that place,

How can we interact with them,

Okay?

So the first thing that we are going to do is we're going to look at some of the beliefs that we have been,

That we have received.

So these are certain cultural beliefs,

Okay,

That basically have been instilled on us.

Beliefs about our parents and what they are supposed to be,

What we believe them to be.

And I invite you to listen to them and really pay attention to what you feel.

Is that true in your case?

Yes,

Use it as an awareness tool,

Okay?

So I'm going to read what it says.

These are some of the common beliefs that we have grown with.

All parents love their children.

A parent is the one person you can trust.

A parent will always be there for you.

You can tell your parents anything.

Your parents will love you no matter what.

You can always go back home.

Your parents only want what's best for you.

Your parents know more than you do.

Your parents know more than you do.

Whatever your parents do,

They are doing it for your own good.

And then the book says,

But if your parents were emotionally immature,

Many of these statements may not be true.

So this is just an awareness piece to really put things into perspective and to look at the reality of things as they are.

Okay.

So what came up for you when you heard these beliefs and these statements?

Are they true to you?

What did it bring?

Did it bring like anger,

Sadness?

Maybe they are all true for you and that's beautiful too,

So it doesn't mean they can't be true.

But sometimes if we have a belief that this is how things should be and they are not,

There is a big conflict there,

Especially when we are little and we don't have the capacity and the tools to cope with these things.

Anger at the society generalised,

I can imagine how difficult and how sad that might feel,

Right?

Sadness so untrue.

I must accept that I did not receive these things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Okay.

I must accept that I did not receive these things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Amazing.

So this chapter is all about learning a new way to relate to your parents so that you won't expect what they cannot give you.

So you will learn how to protect your emotions and individuality by approaching your parents in a more neutral way,

A way that they can tolerate emotionally.

Okay.

So before we go into these strategies,

There is a fantasy that we all,

Most of us,

Create.

And that is a common fantasy among children of emotionally immature parents that is that their parents will have a change of heart and finally love them and and yeah,

Love you and give you what you didn't receive.

So there is the fantasy that a parent will change.

So in the back of our minds,

We always have a fantasy that someday my father,

My mother will change and they will be able to give me what I need or what I needed.

And it starts there because many times that fantasy is not true and it will never happen.

And it's very important to recognize that,

To accept that.

So what are you guys sharing in the comments?

Let me see.

Now I can't hear those statements without hearing the manipulation.

No one who actually wants what's best for me will feel the need to constantly remind or convince me of that.

And just keep in mind,

Guys,

That many times when this happens,

Your parents didn't decide,

I am going to be an emotionally immature parent and I am going to traumatize my kids.

So just keep in mind that they did not choose that consciously.

This is a behavior that was developed.

Most likely they may have been children of emotionally immature parents too.

And they never got to learn anything different.

So by me doing these sessions,

By Lindsey writing this book,

By having access to all these resources,

We have more opportunities.

We have new possibilities to do something different.

I just want to make that very clear.

This wasn't a conscious decision of anyone to do this.

Those statements get perverted and manipulated by the parents themselves.

Love is a distortion.

It makes me sad for the people.

It is not true for a lot of population I work with.

I'm being constantly reminded,

Trauma informed.

Um,

Yeah,

Kay says,

Yes,

They didn't choose,

But I have brought it to their attention.

So it's hard when they continue to choose to act that way.

I have begged my mom to go to the therapy on several occasions.

Yeah.

Yes,

That helps the compassion and empathy come more easily when I think about it this way,

That they are unconscious of what they are doing.

Even though it feels intentional and malicious at times.

Yeah.

It makes total sense that you feel that way.

And Kay,

It makes total sense that there is a frustration because you bring this to their attention and they are not willing to do anything to change.

And that must feel so frustrating.

I myself am so frustrated so many times when that happens,

But that's why the next strategies are going to be very helpful.

Let me,

Let me copy them in the chat.

Okay.

Because,

Um,

So I'm going to do this.

So we are going to cover,

Um,

Let me see if I can copy and paste this.

And again,

If someone shows up to the session,

Guys,

And they are asking things,

You can feel free to copy and paste what I'm sharing here with you.

Okay.

Basically,

We're going to cover three strategies here.

Okay.

The first strategy is detached observation.

Okay.

Second strategy is maturity awareness,

Becoming aware of how mature the person in front of me is.

This can be your parents.

This can be another person too.

You are going to make an assessment.

You're going to become aware of how much emotionally,

How much emotional intelligence,

How much emotional capacity this person in front of me has.

Can I have a,

Can I have emotional intimacy with this person?

Yes or no.

Okay.

And then from that place,

The third strategy is to really stepping away from your old role self.

For those of you who don't know role self and healing fantasy,

Those are things that we created when we were little.

In the last session,

I shared what that was.

And the role self is,

Basically,

Your true self when you were little wasn't welcome.

Your true self didn't get what it needed from your parents in that environment.

So what did you do?

That children of emotionally mature parents,

Because they didn't get what they needed being themselves,

They created a role self.

They created a completely different person with characteristics that allowed them to receive something that they needed,

Attention,

Care,

Something from their parents.

And normally creating that self role was something that at that time when you were little,

Maybe it benefited you somehow.

It protected you somehow.

But moving forward into adulthood,

We keep doing the same.

And it's time for us to shed of that self role.

It's time for us to step into our true selves and let that self role behind and get away from those dynamics.

And that is the next strategy.

Okay.

So let's talk about the first one,

Detach observation.

Okay.

What does that mean?

And let me just share what it means here.

Okay.

So the first step in gaining your emotional freedom is to assess whether either of your parents was emotionally immature.

Okay.

And given that you are still reading this book,

You have probably decided that at least one of your parents fits that description.

Okay.

Remember that this applies to parents and it also applies to any other person that may be emotionally immature and you are having a dynamic with.

Okay.

So it says such a parent can probably never fulfill your childhood vision of a loving parent.

So most likely the parent that you have in front of you will never be able to be the parent that you want him or her to be.

Okay.

So the only achievable goal is to act from your own true nature,

Not the raw self that pleases your parent.

Okay.

So you need to stop acting from your raw self and you need to start being your own self,

Your true self.

You can't win your parent over,

But you can save yourself.

So you cannot win your parent over,

But you can save yourself.

Okay.

So the book references Murray Bowen,

That this is a family therapist that did some work on family systems theory.

Okay.

Family systems theory.

And she says how emotionally immature parents promote emotional enmeshment over individual identity.

Okay.

So in families dominated by emotionally immature people,

Enmeshment and playing roles are valued in order to keep the family close.

Of course,

Genuine communication and emotional intimacy are absent in such families.

Okay.

So basically what's happening here,

This enmeshment that this is talking about is when you lose your individuality and the dynamics that are happening between individuals in that family become too intense and too intertwined so that individual people are not present anymore.

So you don't know when your emotions are present.

You don't know when you end,

When the other people start and everything is meshed up in dynamics,

In things that are happening in there.

And it's very difficult to detach from that.

And there is dynamics,

There is roles that you may be playing and you cannot get out of them.

So that is what it means,

Like this enmeshment.

And this is what is promoted in this kind of family systems.

Okay.

So no one's true self is ever acknowledged.

So there is no space for individuality.

There is no space for your true self to live,

To have space,

To be seen,

To be accepted.

There is no space for that.

Okay.

It's all about the family dynamics.

It's all about the self-role.

It's all about the emotions that are happening.

And there is no space for that.

Further,

In an enmeshed family,

If you have a problem with someone,

You talk about that person to other people instead of going to the person directly,

Directly.

So you don't have face-to-face conversations.

There is no emotional intimacy at all.

So nothing gets fixed face-to-face.

So Bowen,

This therapist,

Called this triangling and characterized enmeshment as the glue that keeps such families together.

So that enmeshment,

Those dynamics,

Those self-roles,

Those kind of plays that are happening in there,

That is the glue that keeps the family together.

But there is no space for independence.

There is no space for individuality.

There is no space for self-expression as your true self.

Okay.

So yeah,

Codependency and enmeshment are worth looking into further.

Absolutely,

Becca.

Those words are so important to really understand what do they mean?

How do they show up?

What are specific traits,

Specific characteristics of those dynamics?

And the more you read about them,

The more you will become aware of,

Ah,

That's what was happening when that was happening in my family.

I was reading about enmeshment on Google,

Just trying to find definitions.

And it's so interesting because it can help you really become aware of many things,

Many dynamics that maybe you didn't pay attention to.

Okay.

So how do you practice becoming observational?

Observing.

How can you detach from all these things and start implementing the first strategy?

That is observing.

Okay.

So when interacting with emotionally immature people,

You will feel more centered if you operate from a calm thinking perspective rather than emotional reactivity.

Okay.

So it's really important not to get lost in the emotional rollercoaster and become centered and really pay attention to the present moment,

To your breath.

To how you are feeling and really observe from that place.

Observe what's happening outside of you.

Okay.

So it says observation and emotional detachment can give individuals a place to stand outside of their family systems.

So basically what you are trying to do here,

And this is what I talk about when dynamics are happening between you and another person,

It's very important to first recognize that there is a dynamic happening and it always takes at least two people for a dynamic to work.

So if you become aware and you step out of the dynamic and you don't dance in that dynamic anymore,

That dynamic is going to end.

You are going to observe from the outside and maybe if there are other people,

They are going to keep doing that dynamic and you are going to be outside of it,

Observing it.

So that is the first step,

Like stepping back,

Detaching emotionally from what's happening and observing the behavior,

Observing the actions and then really becoming aware of them.

Okay.

That is the first step.

So there are many ways of doing this.

Okay.

So for example,

The book says,

You can count your breaths slowly.

So breathing,

Just bring your awareness back to your breathing and count your breaths.

Okay.

Tense and relax your muscles in a sequence.

Imagine or visualize something that calms you down.

So there are different self-care,

Mindfulness strategies that you can use in that present moment to don't get lost,

Get sucked into that dynamic.

Okay.

To stay away from it and to be able to keep observing.

Okay.

So Kai,

You say,

Do you have a strategy to avoid reactivity?

That is what I struggle with most,

Especially defensiveness.

Kai,

First you need to,

First is an invitation for you to practice some sort of First is an invitation for you to practice some sort of self-regulation with yourself first.

As a person,

As an individual,

You go inside a room,

You go and take a walk in nature,

You go and do whatever makes you feel well.

And then you create a self-care list.

I talk about creating a self-care list a lot.

Self-care list with activities that are doable,

That are convenient,

That don't require a lot of time,

A lot of effort.

Find what those are for you.

Some examples of my self-care list.

Breathing exercises.

Doing a quick meditation and I visualize something.

Sitting in silence with my journal and I write down what comes for me.

Juggling my balls.

Going for a walk around the block.

Listening to a song that energizes me and just dancing and moving my body.

Jumping up and down a few times.

So simple.

Just jump up and down a few times.

Doing power postures,

Like putting your hands up,

Doing a superman posture and breathing while you are in that posture.

There are many ways but it's important that you self-regulate.

You learn how to self-regulate with yourself first.

Then you start exposing yourself to triggering situations with the intention of I'm going to remain as grounded as possible.

And you're not going to do it right from day one but you're going to start paying attention and building capacity.

So for example,

A specific example where I get triggered.

My daughter,

She goes to the table,

She starts eating and then she starts making a mess.

That makes me clench like this.

I notice I get triggered.

So my work is we're about to have dinner.

We're about to put the food on the table.

Maybe she's going to make a mess.

That's okay.

I can clean it up.

What am I going to do if that happens?

And I keep breathing through the circumstances.

I notice my triggers and then hopefully I become less reactive.

With your parents,

Anytime you sense that you are getting trapped into a situation,

We're going to go to two more strategies that you can use.

But self-regulation starts with you.

Self-regulation starts with the choice of you choosing to do that instead of becoming reactive and getting lost in the emotion.

Okay.

So let me keep reading this,

Do the recap and then it's going to make more sense for you and then we can answer more questions.

Okay.

So paying attention to facial expressions,

Noticing the body language,

How people communicate in the dynamic,

The tone of voice,

How do they appear?

Are they receptive?

Are they closed?

Are they breathing deeply?

Are they like you just start paying attention to all these things that many times we miss.

And that's going to help you remain in the present moment,

Detach from what's happening,

Detach from what's happening and you are going to keep being an observer rather than being an actor in that movie,

In that dynamic.

Okay.

So a few things that the book says that I find very interesting.

Okay.

So if you are practicing observing your parent or other loved ones and find yourself getting emotional,

Okay,

This applies to your case.

Okay.

Your distress is a sign that your healing fantasy has been activated.

Remember that the healing fantasy is the fantasy that we created when we were little of what's going to happen,

That things are going to change in a specific way and I will receive what I need from this person.

From my parent,

From my father,

From my mother,

From my spouse,

From the person that is not paying attention to me.

You create this healing fantasy and you create a specific scenario that is not true and most likely it won't happen.

And when it doesn't happen,

You get activated and you get triggered and then you react from that place of expecting that fantasy to become true.

Okay.

So you have fallen back into believing that you can't be okay if they don't validate you.

So you believe that you cannot be okay if they don't validate you.

So basically,

Your self-regulation depends on another person.

You are not in control.

Okay.

So if you start slipping into your fantasy that you may be able to get the other person to change,

You will feel weak,

Vulnerable,

Apprehensive,

And needy.

Deep down,

You need something from that person.

You are not receiving what you need and you get triggered.

You react.

That's what's happening.

If you become a needy,

If you change the goal of that interaction,

If you get away from the dynamic and you approach the dynamic from a different angle with a different expectation,

Most likely that healing fantasy won't get activated and you won't feel triggered as much.

So that is the work here to recognize what's happening,

To be present,

To self-regulate,

Do all of that at the same time that I know is not easy,

But these are some of the foundation pieces that you can start implementing and practicing because this is like going to the gym.

At the beginning,

It's going to suck.

And as you keep doing it,

You're going to get better at it.

Okay.

And then so when you notice that,

You need to shift out of responding emotionally and move back into observing mode.

Okay.

So you have to move back into observing mode.

So what happens when you are finding yourself sucked in and you just need to get out of there?

You need some time.

You need some space.

You need a physical boundary.

So the book recommends some strategies.

Okay.

So find an excuse to put some distance between you.

If it's becoming too intense and you are noticing that you are getting emotionally elevated and you are not able to self-regulate,

You are not able to be an observant and you are getting dragged into the dynamic,

Create a boundary,

Physical boundary.

I need to go and use the washroom.

I'm not feeling well.

I need some air.

Oh,

Sorry.

I forgot something in the other room.

I'm right back.

If you're on the phone,

Sorry,

Someone is calling me.

I'll call you later or I have an appointment in 10 minutes.

I have to go.

Whatever that is,

It's you create a boundary.

Okay.

So excuse yourself from the room for a bathroom break,

Play with a pet,

Take a walk,

Run an errand,

Gaze out the window and notice nature.

If you are interacting on the phone,

Find a pretext to get off the phone.

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Guys,

I remember my father one time.

He was,

We were in an interaction and I called myself,

Oh shit,

We are in this dynamic again.

And I remember that I was able to switch.

I was able to go from the immediate I was reacting to his father.

I think I was probably 14,

15 at that time,

16,

Maybe,

I don't know.

And then he was telling me something agitated and then I was reacting to it.

And all of a sudden I realized I was in the dynamic.

And I say,

Okay,

I'm going to get out of it right now.

And what did I do?

I changed from being like,

I did this.

And then he kept talking.

And then I just kept looking,

Oh.

And then he was kind of confused,

Right?

But he was keep going,

Going,

Going.

And then I remember I looked at him.

I started smiling and then he was going.

And I said,

Oh dad,

I love you.

And I gave him a hug.

He was puzzled.

He wasn't,

What the heck is happening here?

He was kind of smiling.

He didn't know what to do.

So he was kind of,

What are you doing?

But he changed.

Stop the dynamic right away.

So you can do something like that.

Distraction,

Start looking at something else until they stop and they say,

What are you doing?

When they ask you that,

That's your opportunity to come back to the present moment and to stop the dynamic.

It's as simple as that.

Someone is kind of,

And then they will notice like,

Oh,

What's going on?

And then you come back.

And if they keep going,

They say,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom right now.

I'll come back in five minutes.

So create distance.

Do something that breaks the dynamic.

Do something crazy.

Try something different.

Sometimes the craziest ideas work.

Honestly,

They do.

They will stop the dynamic and they will make the other person feel lighter and react differently.

So as you practice observing,

You will become stronger and more confident in your ability to see what's really going on.

So just the more you practice it,

The more you will become better at it.

It's like a muscle.

So the book also talks about relatedness and relationship.

Okay.

So relating to someone versus trying to have a relationship with someone.

This is important because it says in relatedness,

So trying to relate,

There is communication,

But there is no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange.

Okay.

So in contrast,

Engaging in a real relationship means being open and establishing emotional reciprocity.

Okay.

So it's an emotional exchange.

So imagine if you change,

Instead of you getting into a conversation,

Into a dynamic,

Because you want to have a relationship,

You need to have a need met,

You are expecting something from the other person.

You just do it from a place of,

I am communicating with this person because I need something concrete,

But I'm not looking for a relationship.

I'm not looking for validation.

I don't need their attention.

So you become a needy.

Okay.

And then this takes us to step number two.

Okay.

And step number two,

Let me see if I can,

It's maturity awareness.

And there are three strategies inside these that you can use.

And I am going to put them in here.

Okay.

So this is maturity awareness approach.

So becoming aware of,

Is this mature enough for me to have a conversation or not?

So the first one is expressing and then letting go.

So you express something and you let it go.

The second one is focusing on a specific outcome,

Not in the relationship that you want.

Okay.

Okay.

And the third one is managing,

Not engaging.

Okay.

Very quickly expressing and then letting go is you tell the other person what you want to say as calm as you can,

But don't try to control the outcome.

Okay.

So this is an opportunity for you to be seen,

To express what you feel,

But you don't expect anything in return.

Okay.

So that's expressing and then letting go.

Okay.

Number two,

Focusing on the outcome,

Not the relationship.

So this is a really good one because ask yourself,

What are you really trying to get from the other person in this interaction?

Just be clear.

What do you want?

And then if your goal involves empathy or a change of heart on your parent's part,

Stop right there because you're not going to get it.

So specify,

Identify what is the specific outcome that you are seeking.

Okay.

And then set it as a goal.

So for example,

I need to have a conversation with my mom because we are going to gather for lunch on Sunday and I just need to know the details about when are we meeting and what time.

So remind yourself that is the interaction.

That is the goal of my interaction.

I don't need to get involved in emotions.

I don't need her to validate me.

I don't need her to tell me how amazing I am at organizing.

Whatever your needs are,

If they are not going to get met most likely,

Focus on that specific outcome.

And every time you are going into an interaction with that person,

That parent,

Remind yourself,

What am I trying to get out of here?

Okay.

Always know the end point you wish to arrive at.

Okay.

And then focus on the outcome,

Not on the relationship.

That is number two.

Okay.

Number three.

And then I look at the questions,

Okay,

Because we're running out of time.

So number three is managing,

Not engaging.

Okay.

So basically,

Instead of emotionally engaging with immature people,

Set a goal of managing the interaction.

Including the duration and the topic.

So you are setting very clear boundaries of what that interaction is going to be about.

And you may need to repeatedly redirect the conversation where you want it to go.

And the book says emotionally immature people don't have a good strategy for countering another person's persistence.

Okay.

So for example,

If you have a specific,

A specific thing that you need to manage,

And you have a specific outcome that you need,

And you are persistent in what you need,

You create the boundaries around that.

And you keep that person accountable to the boundaries that you are setting.

That person is going to have a hard time wheeling you into dynamics,

Wheeling you into their territory that they are familiar with.

So it takes you more consciousness,

It takes you more consciousness,

More presence,

More confidence to enter that interaction with that specific thing in mind.

And for you to manage,

For you to manage,

Not to engage.

Just manage what you need,

Get what you need,

And leave.

Don't allow yourself to get engaged in the dynamic.

Okay.

Um.

Yeah,

So how is different two and three?

They are very related,

But the two is focusing on the outcome.

Basically,

You are really asking yourself,

You are asking yourself,

What is the specific outcome that I need from this interaction?

And if you catch yourself wanting something emotional,

Stop there and don't interact.

If you find yourself finding a specific goal that you need to get out of the conversation,

That's what you are going for.

That is number two.

And then number three,

You are going to manage that.

You are going to make sure that you create structure,

That you create boundaries,

That you are persistent so that you will get the goal that you want from the conversation and you won't allow the other person to reel you into the dynamic.

So that is the difference here.

You are not engaging emotionally in anything.

You are not reacting.

You are not taking things personally.

You are not seeking validation.

You are not trying to make your healing fantasy a reality.

You are acting from a place of observance,

Determine outcome and managing the boundaries that you have set and being persistent,

Bringing the person back to what you need,

Where you need them to be so that the interaction happens in the way that you need.

And you are managing that.

You are not engaging in it.

It's very different to engage emotionally in something versus managing something without getting involved.

Oh,

I hope it makes sense.

But that's what the book talks about.

And then the last one,

It's stepping out of an old role self.

And this one is very obvious,

But many times we forget that we have the option to do that.

And that says the ability to step back and observe not only your parent,

But also your own role self is where emotional freedom begins.

So when you have the capacity to observe what's happening,

To observe the dynamic,

To observe how you enter that dynamic and you become someone else that is not your true self,

That's when emotional freedom really begins.

And you are using an executive functioning skill in here that is called metacognition.

I do have a course on executive functioning skills in case you are curious,

But metacognition is the skill that allows you to detach,

To reflect,

To observe,

And then to do something different.

So it says here,

The ultimate goal in any interaction with a parent or an emotionally immature person is to keep a grip on your own mind and feelings.

So never forget yourself,

Never forget who you are,

Truly are.

To do this,

You need to stay observational,

Noticing how you are feeling and how the other person is acting.

From this perspective,

You can retain your individual point of view and be more immune to the other person's emotional contagion.

Okay.

So those are some of the strategies that the book shares and I know that some of them may feel like impossible to do when you are in the moment,

But they are not.

They are simple,

But difficult.

Let's put it that way.

It seems that these strategies are practical and focus on what we can do that's within our control.

I can see this will create peace of mind and self-reliance,

But it also makes me feel sad that it has a very transactional feeling for managing relationships.

It feels like I am engaging with stakeholders at a business meeting and not actually relating in interdependence and emotional reciprocity.

I guess that's the point because emotionally mature parents are incapable of true intern and emotional reciprocity?

So yeah,

The book talks about that.

It says,

Please don't limit yourself to only engaging with your parents in this way because hopefully there is openness.

Hopefully there is,

Once you break the dynamic,

There is an opportunity for something new to appear.

Okay,

But it's very easy and the book talks about this.

Okay.

It basically says,

Being cautious about new openness.

So by all means,

Be emotional if you feel it's safe.

Be emotional if you see interaction and reciprocity,

But don't forget your individuality.

Don't forget that dynamics can be happening and you have to be conscious of that.

You have to be cautious about that new openness because many times what the book says,

It's like,

You do all this work,

You become observational,

You create all these strategies,

You create the boundaries and then you start seeing that your parents are responding and then you are open and then you are,

Your healing fantasy is coming back.

Oh yeah,

This is happening.

They are changing.

They're going to give me everything I needed and then boom,

It happens again.

So always find that balance of,

I am going to be as open as I feel safe to,

I'm going to be as open as they can receive me and hopefully that keeps increasing,

Increasing,

Increasing,

But always do that from a point of unneediness.

You are not being needy.

You are protecting yourself and hopefully you can develop that with them,

Of course,

And if you see openness,

Please receive it,

Celebrate it,

Accept it.

You can have conversations like if you see something that they may be ready to have a deeper conversation,

Have it,

And if you notice then the resistance dynamics coming back,

Then that's when you step back a little bit and then you keep finding that edge.

You're going to keep finding the edge,

And with each person,

It's going to be different.

Sometimes they're going to be able to go deeper really fast.

Sometimes they will never change and somewhere in between.

So you need to trust your intuition,

Trust your inner guidance,

But that's why it's so important that you don't forget yourself,

That you don't get lost in the dynamics,

That you don't get lost in the reactivity,

In the emotional engagement,

And then you just lose who you are,

You lose your values,

You lose the person that you are because you are seeking for something from them to become whole.

My invitation to you is how can you become whole without needing them and then from that place start approaching them in a different way.

Okay,

I hope that makes sense.

If we become emotional,

The other may also,

But not necessarily in the way we need.

So it's better to not need anything from them.

Emilio,

What do you think of my comment?

Yeah,

Becca,

Honestly,

It's so beautiful.

When you become a needy,

Just imagine the emotional freedom that you are going to feel when you truly don't need anything from the other person.

You can love them,

You can accept them,

You can see them for who they are,

You can see the dynamics that are happening,

You can see why they are following those dynamics,

You can talk about them if they are open and if they are not,

You can remain there outside,

You are not getting involved,

You are not getting lost in that roller coaster of emotions and things that you don't want.

So when you can be there,

You are going to be more conscious than the other person most likely and from that place you are going to recognize is this person ready to go deeper with me?

Yes,

Okay,

Go deeper.

You try and then you find the edge.

Okay,

That's it.

That's too much for this person.

That's okay,

I accept that.

I respect it.

But you don't need anything and I know that this is really difficult but there are exercises out there,

There are meditations that are,

They are called cutting the energetic cord from our parents and basically you visualize an umbilical cord that goes from your belly to your parents bellies and you are basically grabbing a pair of scissors and you are deciding to energetically,

Emotionally cut that so that you become independent and that doesn't mean that you are abandoning them,

That doesn't mean that you don't love them,

That doesn't mean that you don't care about them and that doesn't mean that you cannot cultivate deeper relationships with them.

What it means is that you are no longer dependent on them.

You are no longer dependent on their reactions.

You no longer seek validation.

You no longer expect something from them and if you don't get it,

You feel bad.

You feel bad,

Heavy,

Unloved,

Unworthy,

Not confident.

So when you can reach that point and you can heal that and you can see them for who they are and love them for who they are,

Then you are acting from a completely different way and it all starts inside of you first.

And then from that place you go out and you assess.

The book says,

How can I assess the emotional maturity of this person?

And you guys,

That's a feeling that I'm sure many of you have.

You know the people you can trust,

The people you don't want to trust,

You know the people you can open with,

You know the people that you are hesitating to share things with.

You perceive that,

That's an intuition that we all have.

More or less developed,

But we all have that intuition.

We all know I feel safe now to open up and share.

This person really gets me.

I feel so safe in this presence.

Oh my God,

This friend is so amazing.

I always go to her,

To him because I just feel well.

They listen to me.

They can see me and some people can't.

You know what I mean?

So the same happens with family members.

Um,

So we are connected to what is in our focus of control,

Non-attachment.

Breaking a stick is another way to cut the energetic cord.

Yeah,

Breaking a stick,

Like it doesn't matter what you visualize,

What the concept is that you become an independent person and you no longer need anything from that.

You can choose and want to be with them all the time,

But you don't need it.

This is an exercise that my wife,

Samantha and I are doing.

We are becoming unneeded from each other.

We are cutting all the codependence that we have in all areas of life.

I don't need you to take care of me.

I don't need you to cook for me.

I don't need you to give me sex.

I don't need you to give me attention.

I don't need anything from you.

I want all of those things,

But I don't need them.

And we are cultivating that every day.

And it's becoming amazing because she wants me more.

I became unneeded and I no longer need anything.

Majority of the time,

I really give her whatever.

I don't care.

And I try to fill my own cup.

And then she senses that and then she's more attracted to me and she wants to spend more time with me.

So imagine if we can do this with everyone in our lives,

That we allow them to be who they want to be.

We don't expect anything from them.

We remove all the burden.

And if people do that with us,

Imagine if no one expected anything from us.

How amazing that would be,

Right?

People want to do things with us,

But they don't need to.

And same for you.

It's just a beautiful way of interacting,

Rather than from codependence,

Neediness,

Fear.

Yeah,

So I need that tangible physical action.

I had the same reaction to that strategy,

Seeming contradictory.

I suppose it gets to be focused on the outcome of what you do,

Say for yourself,

But not based on a specific outcome from them.

Because you can only change your actions.

Yeah,

The outcome is you are seeking for an outcome.

You are not expecting an outcome from them.

But if there is something that you are involved with,

Okay?

For example,

If you are involved with your mom's health,

And you need to take her to the hospital,

And you need to make arrangements,

You need to make arrangements.

You need to get clear on when are we going to go?

How are we going to get there?

What time do I have to pick you up?

That's a specific outcome.

So you will go to her,

And she may be,

Oh,

I feel bad,

You abandoned me,

Whatever.

You say,

Mom,

When are we going to go to the hospital?

Mom,

What time do I need to pick you up?

Mom,

I will pick you up at this time.

Are you going to be ready?

And that's it.

And you don't get involved in the story,

In the dynamic.

You receive the information,

The goal,

And move on.

So that's what it means.

So time is almost up,

Guys.

What,

Do you have any specific questions at this sermon?

We are connected to what is in our focus of control and attachments.

Yeah,

So guys,

These are some of the strategies that you can start using,

Okay?

I hope that,

Again,

This is not something that you are going to be able to do 100% all the time.

But if you get started,

You start becoming observant.

You start becoming aware of your raw self,

Of your healing fantasy.

You detach from what's happening.

You observe.

You notice.

Anytime you feel emotionally attached and altered and you cannot find a way to self-regulate,

Create a boundary,

Physical boundary.

Go somewhere else.

Come back.

Stop the phone call.

Come back to it after.

And then assess emotional maturity.

Use the strategies that we learned.

Really think about what am I trying to get out of this conversation,

Of this engagement.

Focus on a specific goal.

Manage the interaction,

But don't engage on it.

And then let go of your raw self.

Become aware of it and then let it go.

And embody your true self in those interactions.

It's going to be shocking for your parents.

It's going to be shocking for people around you because they're going to see a completely different person.

But that's okay.

They will get used to it,

Okay?

You are going to rock the boat for a little bit.

But I promise you that you're going to feel emotional freedom.

You're going to become a needy.

You're going to be able to have more meaningful interactions as deep as they can take it.

And hopefully there is some cultivating that can happen,

Right?

You can cultivate,

But you don't have expectations about that.

If it doesn't happen,

If they don't change,

You are going to be okay.

Because you are saving yourself first.

And then hopefully they want to do something too.

But if they don't,

You cannot control that.

You can only influence,

But you cannot control it,

Okay?

Yeah,

So guys,

Thank you so much for this session.

If you gain some value from this and you can,

I accept donations.

I know that donations have been a sticky topic lately,

But you can donate here.

And if you don't want to donate here,

You can also donate to my profile link.

If you go to my profile link,

There is a donation link in there that you can use.

And it uses PayPal,

So it doesn't take 30% of commission.

That's another option.

But yeah,

I am looking forward to hear how you guys use these strategies and what you're getting out of them.

And if you want to share,

Feel free to share in my circle.

It's called Your Thriving Lifestyle.

Feel free to join the circle and share what's happening.

Share how you are using these strategies.

And I would love to just know how they are going with you or bring them to the next life.

If you can make it to another life,

Just share something in the comments about how is it going?

Because we're going to have two more sessions on this book.

So we're going to keep covering things.

So I'm super happy to hear what are you taking action on?

What is the impact that you are noticing from those actions?

How do you feel when you become this completely different person that is more your true self and you start sharing that self role that you created?

How does it look like and how does it feel entering interactions where you don't get drained,

Where you don't get engaged in a way that you don't want to?

Yeah,

Just share how it goes because we are in this together.

Okay?

So we are not alone in this.

So yeah,

Guys,

Thank you so much for your presence,

For your time.

And I hope to see you in the next session.

Okay?

We're going to keep diving into the book.

It's a beautiful book,

So powerful.

And I hope that you can read it because there is so much knowledge and wisdom in there.

Okay?

So amazing.

Have an amazing rest of your day and I hope to see you on the next one if you can make it.

Okay?