Why are we so afraid of adversity when we're capable of so much more than we realize?
Most of us have already lived through difficult things.
Losses,
Disappointments,
Changes we didn't choose,
Problems we didn't know how to solve,
Times when we felt overwhelmed and somehow we made it through.
So in this video,
I want to talk about how we can cultivate a different kind of confidence around facing challenges.
And not a confidence that comes from believing nothing bad will ever happen.
And not a confidence that comes from thinking.
I'll always know what to do.
But a confidence that comes from.
Remembering what we've already survived.
Recognizing the resources that we have available.
And trusting that we are more capable of meeting difficulty than we usually feel in any given moment.
Because when something difficult happens,
How quickly does your mind go to.
.
.
This is too much.
I can't handle this,
Or I don't know what to do.
And we've all had moments like that.
One of the difficult things about being human is that adversity is built into life.
Things are always changing.
People disappoint us.
Our bodies get sick.
Relationships end.
Our plans fall apart.
And then people we love struck.
We know this.
And yet we cling to this fantasy that we might somehow.
Avoid difficulty.
And then when adversity knocks on our door,
We're caught off guard.
And we really do try.
Most of us will put a lot of effort into avoiding difficulty.
When we start to think about the possibility of hardship,
Most of us respond by trying to get ahead of it.
We will do our research,
We'll make plans,
We'll practice.
We will imagine different scenarios.
And we try to prepare for the worst.
And of course,
Some amount of planning is useful.
But the problem is that some of the hardest things in life are difficult precisely because we could never predict them.
Rather than putting all of our effort into trying to control our circumstances,
Maybe it makes more sense to put some effort into Cultivating.
Another kind of confidence.
A confidence it says.
I don't know exactly what life is going to bring.
But whatever it is,
I will figure it out.
And mindfulness can help us cultivate this kind of confidence.
How does that work?
We usually talk about mindfulness as the ability to be aware of what is happening in the present moment without judging,
Resisting,
Or pushing it away.
But mindfulness can also help us look backward.
We can become more mindful of our past.
And not because we want to linger in the past or not because we would ever want to relive a painful experience.
We can become mindful of the past so that we remember things more accurately.
Because sometimes we forget how much we've already endured.
We forget how much we've overcome or how much we've succeeded.
We forget all those situations that once felt impossible.
And we forget how many times we've adapted.
Problem solved.
Recovered.
Change direction.
Ask for help.
Or simply just kept going.
And then sometimes we actually minimize our past difficulties.
We say,
Oh,
It wasn't really that bad.
Or,
You know,
Other people had it a lot worse.
And of course,
We don't want to get stuck on the past and feel sorry for ourselves.
But acknowledging something was hard isn't the same as feeling sorry for yourself.
It's really just telling the truth.
Oh,
You know,
That was hard or I struggled or.
I had no idea what I was going to do.
Because when we minimize difficulty,
We also minimize our appreciation.
For the strength it took for us to get through it.
And then there's another reason why I think it's so easy to feel like I can't handle that.
There were all these times in our lives when we weren't that strong and when we had fewer resources to help us manage.
We were all very young at one point and we didn't have the knowledge,
The language or the independence or the capacity that we have today.
So when we were young,
We were very dependent.
We needed other people to care for us and to keep us alive.
And of course,
Very young children experience intense feelings before they have any words to help them make sense of those feelings or to even ask for what they need.
But over time,
We develop a greater capacity to cope.
We do gain that language.
We gain knowledge,
Problem-solving skills.
And the ability to understand our emotions.
And we gain the ability to make choices about what to do next.
And yet that old feeling of this is too much.
Can still show up.
And when it does,
We may forget something very important.
We are not as helpless as we once were.
We have resources now that we didn't have when we first experienced.
Adversity.
So let's take a minute now and talk about those resources.
The first group would be external resources.
That would be relationships,
Friends,
Family members,
Colleagues,
Neighbors,
People that could be potentially helpful.
And then consider all the various professionals that can provide service,
Doctors,
Therapists,
Teachers,
Attorneys,
Financial advisors.
And then there are all these civic resources,
Such as libraries,
Cultural centers,
Religious communities.
And then we also,
As adults,
We have access to information,
Transformation,
Forms of communication.
As adults,
We have ways of reaching people and getting help.
That were not available to us when we were young.
And then we also have all of these internal resources.
I mean,
These can be easier to forget because they're less tangible.
But there's our ability to problem solve,
To be creative.
To be adaptive,
To tolerate discomfort,
To change course,
To apologize?
To begin again,
And on and on.
And all of those strengths support our ability to be resilient.
And of course,
One of the most important resources we have as adults is the ability to ask for help.
Confidence doesn't mean I can handle everything by myself.
Sometimes confidence means If I don't know what to do,
I can find someone who may be able to help.
So if you're going through something difficult right now,
Or if you find yourself worrying about what might happen in the future.
You might try reflecting on all the hard things you've already overcome.
Now there's no need to dig up all the difficult details.
Or revisit something that was really traumatic.
Just think of a few situations when times were hard,
Like a time when something unexpected happened,
Or a time when you thought,
I don't know how I'm going to do this.
I can give you some of the more common examples like this.
Facing a difficult decision or having a health scare,
Moving.
A financial problem.
Almost any kind of conflict.
A professional setback.
Even just a period of loneliness.
We've all had seasons of life that were much harder than we expected.
And with these past difficulties in mind,
We can ask ourselves,
What helped me get through?
Because maybe someone helped us.
Maybe we acquired more information.
Maybe we became more resourceful.
And then we can also reflect on what did we learn?
Maybe you discovered that you were stronger than you realized.
Or that painful feelings eventually change,
Or that you can feel afraid and still move forward.
And maybe you learned that it's important to be able to ask for help.
All of that is valuable information.
And all of your past experiences are evidence.
They're the evidence,
It says.
I have faced things before that I didn't think I could handle.
And I believe that remembering our strength is a powerful way that we can cultivate confidence.
We're not trying to convince ourselves that nothing bad will ever happen.
We're not pretending that we won't struggle.
And most of all,
We're not trying to plan for every possible problem.
Or think we can handle everything on our own.
But rather we're actively mindful of the evidence we already have.
We've done hard things.
We've endured uncertainty.
We've adapted and learned.
We have found the people we needed,
And we have developed the resources required to endure.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking,
This is too much or I can't handle this.
Try pausing and see if you can notice the thoughts.
And then remind yourself.
This feels overwhelming right now.
But feeling overwhelmed doesn't mean I'm incapable.
And keep in mind all that evidence from your own life that's there to assure you.
You can do difficult things.
As always,
Thank you for being here.
Until next time,
Take care.
And be well.
