Loving Others - Weekly Energy Boost

The idea of “love” is often misunderstood. Simply loving someone is very different than loving them for what they do for us or how they make us feel. In this episode, we explore the true meaning of love and how loving others is fundamental to our physical and spiritual well-being. Episode 2 of 5. Original airdate: 6/14/21

Transcript

Good morning,

Everyone.

Good evening,

Good afternoon,

Wherever you are,

And welcome to this week's Weekly Energy Boost.

My name is Ellie Sheva,

And I'm here this beautiful Monday morning with David,

And we are excited to continue the conversation with you on love.

It's this month's theme,

And this week we're focusing specifically on loving others.

I think it's probably the most controversial of the topics we have laid out this month because I think last week when we spoke about loving ourselves,

Everybody had a lot of aha moments.

Everybody was very,

Wow,

I need to work on that.

But when it comes to loving others,

And of course,

Specifically looking at our relationship with romantic relationships,

I think people have a tendency to say things like,

Wait,

But you don't understand,

Or you weren't there,

Or when I was a kid.

And everybody tends to have this perspective of nobody understands me,

And this,

In a way,

Desperation for fulfillment.

And so today we're not only talking about romantic relationships.

I'm sure the concept of friends and family will come in as well,

But this week we're shining light on the idea of love,

Love versus need,

Love versus attraction and chemistry,

And all of the other perspectives that really complicate our,

Not only ability,

But our potential to express love in our lives.

And the Weekly Energy Boost is geared toward helping our listeners find that opportunity inside every moment of their lives.

So we give spiritual energy forecasts for the coming week,

And in this case we're talking about the entire month.

But the goal is really to give our listeners the most practical and powerful tools and wisdom to help you navigate the energy.

We always hear from people,

Wow,

I felt like you were talking to me.

I actually got a text right after last week's show.

I felt like you were talking to me the whole episode.

The reason it feels that way is because David and I,

And often our guests,

Look into what the wisdom of Kabbalah teaches about the time that we're in,

And we tailor what we present to that.

So it often feels like,

Yes,

That's me,

That's my life,

That's my movie,

Not because we're psychic and we heard your thoughts,

But because this is an ancient technology that is so precise it lends itself to really telling the stories of every single person on the planet.

And so I'm sure that as a result you're listening and you're thinking,

Yo,

I'm having this challenge in this relationship,

I'm having this challenge in that relationship,

So here we are,

Or challenge not being in a relationship for that matter.

So we're here today to drop some bombs and hopefully shine some light in those areas of our lives.

I love it.

I told you in the car that we have,

I have two topics that I can talk about.

The difference between helping people understand their feelings,

Which are around chemistry,

So a lot of times the stuff that we feel has to do with chemistry,

And then the spiritual meaning behind chemistry,

Because there's actually a lot of fascinating things that are happening when we see someone that we're attracted to.

Whoops,

There goes the camera.

We're changing the camera angles a bit here in the studio.

So there are things that are happening on a spiritual level when you feel attracted to someone and when you feel maybe jealousy or you feel different emotions,

So we're going to help define them spiritually,

What's going on.

And then I wanted to share the five ways that you can develop love for someone else,

Which is a very powerful thing because when you develop love for somebody else,

It actually removes your negativity.

Something that the Zohar talks about extensively is,

Well,

Why should I care about or love other people?

Love really is another word for becoming one.

In the technology of Kabbalah,

It explains the same energy.

When you become one with someone,

Which we're going to learn five steps of how to do so,

What that does is it removes the negative forces that are surrounding you.

So for example,

If a person's going through a tough time,

Going through judgment,

Going through some kind of difficulty,

There are negative forces that have been created by us from our past and they are surrounding us.

They're blocking us from moving forward.

Well,

How do I,

What's the fastest way to remove negativity?

It's to become one with somebody else.

And it's like,

Well,

What's the connection there?

As soon as you become one with another person,

There's a light that shines that is so powerful the negative forces can't touch it.

Also,

It says that when you study,

I've shared this with my students before,

When you study by yourself,

It's one type of light.

But when you study with another person,

It actually,

It says that the Creator comes to study with you on a very,

So it's a much higher level of light because there's the component of the other person uniting with you in your study.

So there's a lot of secrets there with the unification of two people.

I want to bring back an idea that we touched on briefly.

I want to say like in December,

We had a series on relationships.

We talked about the masculine energy,

The feminine energy.

And one of the things that we brought up there that I think is an important basis for this conversation,

Albeit in a different way,

Is that the concept of relationships,

Why do we even need other people?

Right?

I think there's a lot of people out there who say I'm better off alone.

I remember going through a single period in my life and talking to a good friend and saying,

You know,

I don't need,

I don't need to be in a relationship.

And the truth is that part of me that was speaking or sort of owning the conversation there was not my soul.

The concept of relationships,

According to Kabbalah,

Is an expression of or a manifestation of the creation story that the Kabbalists teach that the world came into existence as a result of the relationship and don't think about it as a he said,

She said relationship,

The connection,

The circuitry between the creator,

The light,

The emanator,

And what we call in Kabbalah the vessel or the soul of humanity.

And so what ended up happening is there is in the origin story of our universe,

According to Kabbalah,

Is that there was this perfect harmony,

This perfect union between the light and the vessel,

The creator and the created until the created or the vessel realized I can't,

I won't be truly fulfilled in this relationship unless I can also share.

I can also create.

I can also initiate.

And that in very short form is how the physical world came into existence.

The soul of humanity said to the creator,

We need a playground on which we can exercise our creative and sharing abilities.

So we basically said we need lots of little opportunities in our lives to create that circuitry,

To create that balance between receiving and sharing,

Initiating and witnessing,

Loving and receiving love so that we can express our creator nature.

And I think that that explains,

I mean,

We could dissect that story,

We can have a few episodes probably just to dissect that story,

But one of the key narratives in that story for human behavior is there's a part of me that really wants to receive,

But there's an even bigger part of me that wants to do the sharing.

And if you look at your relationship with relationships,

And when I say that,

I mean,

Don't only look at whatever relationships,

Friendships,

Partnerships you have now,

But look at your own history.

A lot of the collateral damage that takes place in relationships is around receiving versus giving.

What I didn't receive,

What my expectations were,

What his past with other relationships were,

That there were certain expectations or disappointments that were made.

And I want to,

If it's okay with you,

David,

I wanted to share some,

We have this fabulous resource for relationships at the Kabbalah Center.

Monica Berg wrote a great book called Rethink Love,

Three Steps to Being the One,

Attracting the One,

And Becoming the One.

And there's a section that popped out at me last night that I wanted to share with you guys,

And I'm going to read bits and pieces from it.

It's like two,

Three paragraphs,

So don't get too comfortable.

It says here,

Where does it begin?

Okay,

Monica's saying here,

I've counseled numerous couples over the years.

Some have been married as little as a month,

Some a year,

Others for decades,

All of whom find themselves considering why they signed up for marriage in the first place or why they've stayed married as long as they have.

What was I thinking is a common refrain.

Even though marriage can be difficult,

This question still surprises me.

I respond with questions of my own.

What did you think it would be?

What did you expect?

What did you look for going into this relationship?

How did you feel about your partner?

What do you think happened to those feelings?

Americans place a high value on marriage.

It holds a central place in our dreams,

But 40 to 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

Perhaps,

And this is really the part that I love,

Perhaps this is because we have a consumer mindset that can seep into our romantic lives.

We end up believing there's a transactional aspect of marriage where we're constantly looking for what we're getting from the relationship.

It's the customer versus the provider mentality.

We have the perception that marriage is all about me for meeting my needs,

Not for what I can do,

But about how it makes me feel.

I deserve better than I'm getting.

Can anyone say sense of entitlement?

Can we assign others to be something in our life that they never asked to be and probably don't want to be?

It wasn't a responsibility that we should have given them in the first place.

I love that idea because it really,

That idea that a relationship is transactional,

That I cook dinner and you give me this.

I take care of that and your job is to do this.

When those needs are not being met,

We.

.

.

By the way,

Even though Monica's talking here about marriage,

I think it relates to every friendship,

Your neighbors,

What are they doing to you or against you.

Your friends from high school or college,

You're making all the effort.

Where's the effort that they need to put in?

We're constantly keeping score and that customer versus provider mentality,

If we look at it,

The Kabbalists actually teach that in a healthy relationship,

Both people are trying to be the provider.

Not thinking about how much am I getting,

But how much am I receiving?

It is important in relationships to have those conversations about what are my needs,

What's my love language,

How do I like to be heard or taken care of,

But at the same time,

The goal of the other person isn't to make sure that we're hitting those targets.

It's to give really,

To be constantly adding value in a way that the other person never really has to keep score.

You're constantly trying to outdo each other in the provider department.

Relationships are always going to be complicated.

However,

When we learn Kabbalistic consciousness,

We can make sense of the way we feel and then as a result,

The decisions that we need to make.

It's important to understand one aspect of the way our soul is built.

The way the soul is built is that there's two vessels and we need both vessels and the Creator gave us both vessels in order to be highly effective.

Vessel number one is the one that derives a sense of pleasure in a more immediate way.

In fact,

We need it.

We're not supposed to really shut it down.

That's not part of us that feels attracted to someone when we first see them because like Monica said,

There's so much out there about the difficulty of being in a relationship,

Why do people even get into it in the first place?

There's actually more to be said about how difficult it is and the negative side of it and the chaos that could potentially come versus the positive.

That being said,

The way that the Creator built us and created us is that we would not remember or know or give credence to the difficulty but that we are first attracted to the instant gratification component of it and that's what we call the chemistry.

That's why everyone will have some sense of chemistry.

Even if the whole world told you a relationship is bad,

You'll still feel a sense of,

No,

It's actually good because there's that initial vessel that sees this instant pleasure of being with someone,

Craving to be with someone.

That's the component that's there.

For example,

When it comes to eating,

There are actually so many muscles that are used in eating and digesting and all the problems that come with that that technically none of us should really enjoy eating.

David's weekly digestion metaphor.

We've got to have something about food in every week.

People relate to it,

People thinking about food all day.

But restaurants,

People love going to restaurants,

People love having a good meal,

People love food.

It's entertainment.

Well,

The question is what draws us to it and why doesn't the body feel massive pain when it eats because there are so many muscles involved.

It's actually a very difficult thing to masticate and to digest and to go through all that process.

It says that the creator created this initial vessel that when we put that first bite of something in our mouth,

There's so much pleasure.

The pleasure makes you forget and makes your body even numb to all the pain that it's going through.

Here's one thing that everybody must know.

Every relationship or every new something,

The creator first gives you that honeymoon feeling,

So that you engage with it.

Otherwise,

We would never engage with anybody.

We would never eat food.

We would never procreate.

We would never do anything.

There's always that initial pleasure.

But here's where people get tripped up.

They want that honeymoon initial period,

That instant feeling that the creator is first giving us in that initial vessel.

They want that to continue for the rest of their lives.

That is where people make the mistake because at some point,

You have to have the spiritual maturity to graduate to the second vessel.

This second vessel is a new type of pleasure.

It's a pleasure that's derived not from being a consumer,

As Elisheva said,

Which is like,

What am I expecting from the person?

But it's the pleasure that is created from my investing or giving championing,

Giving value to the other person.

This is the long-term pleasure.

It's not as sexy.

It's not as easy to access.

You actually have to decide you want to access that realm.

But the reason why we have difficulty in relationship is we're still operating from that first vessel,

Which is that honeymoon period.

We're wondering,

We're disillusioned why it's not continuing the way it used to.

And we have it spiritually graduated to the secondary vessel,

Which I have the five points of what you do to achieve that level and to sustain that level.

There's this really funny- Does that make sense what I said?

I don't know if it was- Yes,

It makes sense.

I don't know if it was- Maybe,

I don't know.

I get it.

I guess maybe those of you who are watching live can let us know if you didn't get it.

There is this classic fable that the Kabbalists teach when the conversation comes up about love.

I remember my teacher,

Karen Berg,

Saying it over and over again.

Also,

I think it's in the book called The Secret by Michael Berg,

Where the story is about two people that go out to dinner apropos eating.

One of them says,

Oh,

I love fish.

His date,

I don't know who was watching him,

Then proceeds to watch him take a knife and a fork and cut into the fish and eat it.

He's shocked.

He said,

Wait a second,

I thought you said you love fish.

The idea,

Of course,

Is that the person who loves fish loves how it tastes,

Loves how it feels in their body,

Loves the sensation as they're chewing the fish in their mouth,

Which really means I love what fish does for me.

I love how fish makes me feel.

I don't actually love the fish.

As David was saying,

That love in Kabbalah takes on a more elevated connotation because it really is about achieving oneness,

Being able to see beyond the physical,

Really not only the physical,

All of the five senses,

Putting the five senses aside and having a connection that transcends physicality with another person.

The conversation constantly goes around,

Do you love the person or do you need them?

Are you achieving greater oneness and affinity with them or are you enjoying what lacks they fulfill in you?

That idea of you complete me is completely uncabbalistic.

We don't look for the person who has the opposite qualities that we have.

We look for the person who will push us to step into strength,

Growth and transformation.

I want to hear what David has to say.

This is exactly what we're talking about.

People operate from the vessel of chemistry and they're always looking for that chemistry.

We need it initially to start the conversation.

We need it to get us to the restaurant,

But we know that if we just live our lives according to the rules of chemistry,

Which is how is this giving me pleasure?

Why isn't this giving me pleasure?

What's going on here?

How do I make this thing give me more pleasure?

Eventually,

You'll feel sad and depressed.

I was just reading this article.

I don't know if it's nice to share the name,

But this person who's very famous and went to a big depression,

A long depression,

Had a lot of chaos,

He said he realized when that moment is a singer and he realized when that moment happened was like he was doing a concert.

I think it was in Scotland.

It was a beautiful,

Beautiful,

The most beautiful hotel,

Castle he was staying at while he was doing the concert.

He said he looked out his window and saw the beauty and he felt nothing.

He felt nothing because everything he was doing was operating from that vessel of chemistry.

At some point,

You just get numb.

No matter how much you have and no matter how much you get,

That vessel gets saturated and it no longer gives you pleasure.

We see that with drugs also.

People take drugs.

The vessel of chemistry says,

Well,

This is great,

But eventually you get numb to that and you need a higher high.

You have to transition then into the secondary vessel.

The secondary vessel goes like this.

First off,

It's the knowing that it's something that you have to choose and develop on a daily basis.

This is not something that's going to come to you.

You're not going to be born with it.

It's not going to happen naturally and no one's going to give it to you.

No one's going to give you the ability to access the secondary vessel,

That soul vessel.

This vessel is where all things become magical,

Where the gates open for you,

Where the chaos goes away,

Where you start to have divine thoughts and divine feelings.

The sadness goes away.

When you access this vessel.

This is when you start to feel people and connect to people and have a variety of pleasures.

The Kabbalists say that you start to feel a holistic pleasure all over the body versus in the vessel of chemistry,

You have pleasures in certain organs,

In certain parts.

That's how they actually describe it.

It's very part and parceled type of pleasure and it's there and then it's gone while the soul vessel brings.

.

.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm listening to you.

Okay.

All right.

Now the soul vessel is like a holistic pleasure.

It's something very divine.

It's something much greater.

Probably a good way of describing soul pleasures are when you've overcome something and you achieve something.

When you break a fear,

You feel this euphoria all over and it's not something that you received.

It's something you created,

You chose,

You invested in.

I would imagine for a couple having a baby that you just broke through this very painful experience and both the parents are experiencing this revelation of light because you just created something.

It's not something that someone handed you a baby and said,

Here's your baby.

You created it on a whole other level.

That's number one.

Every time you wake up sad or uninspired or just blah,

You got to remember,

Well,

I have to now choose and I have the power to choose this new way,

This new life,

This new vessel and it's there but I have to choose it.

That's why I don't feel good.

That's why I don't feel inspired.

That's why I don't feel the same level of pleasure from this thing,

Whether it's a relationship,

Whether it's that restaurant,

Whether it's making money,

You just don't feel the same high.

It's because you got to graduate and you have to now choose this new vessel.

That's number one.

It's a choice and you got to make that choice if not every day,

Probably every hour for most people.

I think what you're saying is very powerful but also very abstract in a society where every commercial,

Every product,

Every image that we see is telling us you can have more,

You can feel better,

You can buy this and you'll be younger.

There's something,

It actually teaches us in a way to strengthen our desire for feeling good now.

Caffeine,

Five hour rush caffeine,

Eye cream that's going to take away the bags under your eyes,

Tanning salons.

You don't have to sit out in the sun anymore.

You can be tan in 20 minutes.

That idea of instant gratification really goes against,

You can have all the instant gratification that you want in a way is what David is saying but you'll never be truly fulfilled.

I mean if a person wants to know the secret of good marketing that also backs into a good sustainable business is you actually have to appeal to the chemistry of a person.

We're not saying this is bad because even in Kabbalah,

Look we have Kabbalah 1 and the truth is we package this very deep wisdom in an attractive,

Easy to understand I would say even sexy way because we have to appeal to people's sense of well what am I going to get right away.

People take Kabbalah 1 right away stuff happens and we have to explain this wisdom to them.

Because think about this concept we're talking about now.

If this was the first thing somebody heard they'd be like I don't really know which,

This is also a little packaged in a practical way but if we had to learn some very deep stuff right away people would be turned off by it.

We have to appeal.

Good marketing is if you really care about the consumer you will package it in a way that there's a sense of instant gratification because you have to appeal to that first vessel.

You can't skip the vessel.

You can't skip over the vessel of chemistry.

However,

We know that there are a lot of people that are just click bait.

They want to get you in but they don't really give you the good product.

They don't give you the good service.

They don't really think about the consumer long term.

A good example of that is like sometimes you see these offers that say oh get this free.

Sign up and get this free just pay shipping but then they lock you into this like subscription where you have to pay like 100 bucks a month but it's in tiny print.

This is like a famous way of marketing.

What they're trying to do is get you to buy in and appeal to your vessel of chemistry which is something that's free and you get a good value and all that and then they hook you by not really thinking about you by charging you a lot making it hard for you to cancel.

You just summed up dating in a nutshell right?

People go on dates and they- It's free just pay shipping.

Free just pay for dinner.

But no.

They sell themselves.

They market the instant gratification.

I look good.

I sound good.

I'm going to make you feel good.

Which is important.

You shouldn't come to a date looking not good.

I agree.

You got to smell good.

You got to look good.

You got to be good.

But- But make sure your product- I've shared this many times before that if you're working so hard to sell yourself in that moment you're not sharing you are taking and you will not be able to sustain that level of effort for the long term.

And this is why Kabbalah comes in because I'm going to throw another business analogy out there if it's related to relationships.

I don't know if people know the difference between something that's private labeled and something that's like a custom made product.

So private label basically means Elli Sheva creates- she creates I don't know this water bottle she's drinking and then she says anybody who wants can slap their name on it.

I'll make it.

I'll just put your name on it.

So your private labeling something that Elli Sheva actually made.

You're actually borrowing Elli Sheva's intellectual property and then you just market it in a slick way.

A lot of people are private labeling themselves in relationships meaning they are marketing themselves a certain way but they're not being authentic.

They're not a custom formula.

They're not accessing their soul.

They're constantly living off of other people's energies or personas or their parents.

They watch you react badly to something you've said and you say well you know that wasn't that didn't really happen.

They have no sense of self.

I'm not the same person anymore.

This is why you need to hear last week's show because if you want to be private labeled then you know just be like a chameleon and needy of people's approval and just slap your label on other people's product.

But if you want to be a custom formula something that's new and unique and here's what's amazing.

Kabbalah kind of peels away those layers and helps a person access the unique part of them and it's so unique that it's the thing that the whole world's been waiting for because everyone has within themselves a unique product that the whole world actually needs and the whole world's waiting for.

But people instead of accessing that unique product they're just private labeling.

They're just saying well Elli Sheva's selling something good.

Let me put my name on it and so because you know I hate to tell you that Santa doesn't exist but if you go to all these doctors offices and the product that's on their shelves just private label there's one guy that makes it.

Everyone puts their name on it.

Dr.

So and so's cream.

Dr.

So and so's whatever.

And it looks like this doctor you know made it thought about it.

This doctor just checked off something on a piece of paper and slapped his label on it.

When it's authentic it's got more energy and versus you trying to steal someone else's energy so I wanted to bring that into the relationship sphere.

I hope that was helpful people.

I don't know if I lost people or they like it.

But you know you can let me know in the comments if you want me to transition.

So number one we said is something that to choose and develop every day.

Number two well actually you know what number two we can say number two is this thing that we just said which is being your authentic self.

Because when you're reactive you can't really care about somebody.

It's not just that if you don't know if you don't know who you are and don't show who you are the person that you think loves you doesn't love you.

They love a hologram of you.

Exactly.

They don't love the authentic you they love the image you've created.

So I'm going to put being authentic as actually number two.

I'm adding one here because that is that is true.

Now the next one is is a constant investment.

This is number three a constant investment in said person meaning I'm thinking all the time how do I invest.

How do I transfer energy my energy in a way that builds this person.

So we're not talking about gifts.

We're not talking about you know just giving energy over where that could be destructive or could be good talking about actually taking time to think what can I do for this person that's going to benefit their life and then asking the light to help you in what that would be as well.

So you have to be careful here because a lot of times we give and we manipulate we give and we control we give because we're afraid but we want to put all that aside and say well how do I really invest in this person.

If you have this mentality everywhere you go this is a very powerful energy and people want to be around you more.

So I'll stop right there.

I'm smiling because I pulled a quote from Viktor Frankl that talks exactly why about why that kind of love is so important.

He writes no one can become fully aware of the essence of another human being unless he loves him.

By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person and even more he sees that which is potential in him which is not yet actualized but ought to be actualized.

Furthermore by his love the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize those potential potentialities.

So it's basically the idea that if I'm in that mindset of adding value giving love caring supporting I not only bring out the best in the other person I also bring out the best in myself.

And people tend to think and I'm going to say this slowly people tend to think that their purpose is some noble cause outside of them or bringing home the bacon or raising successful children.

Our purpose is exactly what Viktor Frankl is talking about.

Our purpose is actualizing our true potential and hands down being in a relationship is the most effective way to do that.

Using these living your life by these principles and focusing I don't mean that you should quit your job and just be a good spouse or just be a good partner but understand that that thing that actually gets left to the bottom of the list.

I don't know I can't tell you how many people I speak to that their marriage is like tenth on their list of priorities.

It's simply they're maintaining it and they think to themselves when the kids leave the house will will work on it or during the summer we'll have more time and we'll work on it or we're signing up for a workshop and we're going to work on it.

That that is much more our purpose that kind of love than any of the other things on our to do list.

On Wednesday morning I had to officiate a wedding and the couple exchanged vows and I also at the end of the ceremony tried to share like one piece of advice that I've gathered from couples that I've counseled to share with the bride and the groom.

And actually what I was going to share was similar to one of the vows that the groom shared which is he said I vow to to no matter what happens make you the priority.

People might say that sometimes.

I think people lose the priority thing especially when they have children.

So we've seen this a lot with parents who once you have kids gradually what happens is the marriage itself goes to number if it was number one to begin with it goes to number two.

It goes to number three.

It starts going to the bottom of the rank.

You know you don't even get the bronze medal anymore.

You just go to number 10.

Paying the mortgage going to the dentist and being married.

Being married is that thing that you know when we can get to it we'll get to it.

And in reality the advice I share that success financial health spiritual relies on the couple in this case the bride and the groom always making sure that each other and the marriage is more important even after you have children.

Make your children feel like they're number two.

This whole thing is that we make our children feel like they're number one.

Kids don't I've seen the kids don't want that.

Kids love when they see the parents number one.

And sometimes I'll be next to my wife and I'll look at my child and say you know your mom is the most important thing to me.

Not you.

You're great.

You're there.

You're number two.

And I don't know what he thinks about that but if I'm using capitalistic wisdom to back myself up the way that the energy and dimensions work that's what the child wants to hear and feel.

That's also important on a cognitive level for children to see and model be able to model healthy relationships.

So you want your sons to be respectful and loving to their partners whoever they're going to be that's they're not going to learn it by you telling them to do it and watching you do something else.

That's interesting because if I was a grandparent watching my kids and I saw that my kids had a better relationship with their kids than their spouse that would upset me as a as a as a parent to my kids.

Right.

So if you take yourself out of it and you have kids who have kids try to think like what would you be happier about that your your son or daughter is in a happy relationship more than anything or that they just have a good relationship with their kids and an okay relationship with their spouse.

So I thought that's an interesting concept.

Go to the next one because there's one more concept I want to share but I want to make sure you get.

Number four and five I'll say it quickly you can say it.

Making go of your personal expectation of them sounds cliche but it's important and that's something you have to choose because expectation happens naturally.

We start to naturally we wake up with expectations so it's not something that it just creeps up on us and we start to have expectations of people.

However so you're not a doormat and this is number five you need to address issues with the person in real time from care and not from hurt because you have an expectation of the relationship.

So remove your personal expectation which has to do with your own fears and your own issues and your own tikkun because you need to deal with that.

But in order not to be a doormat you have an expectation of the relationship so you address issues as they happen.

So for example if somebody hurts you you can at the right time from love tell them you know what you said hurt me and I feel that's very damaging to the relationship and I really want to uphold the integrity and the power of the relationship and that's why I'm bringing it up to you.

As opposed to that hurt me and you're a bad person because you hurt me.

Remove yourself out of it it's about the relationship so that was the fifth one.

Well I'm continuing where I was reading before it says here we have the tendency in our culture to treat relationships sorry to treat friendships and life partners as a commodity or an investment.

We put something in with the expectation that we'll get something out.

When we don't get what we expected the disappointment we inevitably feel of the disappointment we feel inevitably feels very personal so we blame our partners for our unhappiness.

In many relationships there's a dynamic where one wants more from the other.

We fall victim to the illusion that if this person is the one for me and I know we're speaking to a lot of our single listeners right now.

We fall victim to the illusion that if this person is the one for me our relationship is going to be problem free.

This is not real realistic.

No relationship is without tension.

In the end the problems we often have in relationships are less because we're with the wrong person and more because of our issues we failed to resolve.

And that is really the the many of the people that I talk to feel that if things are not harmonious they're failing.

If you're not if you're not finishing one another's sentences something is wrong and you can blame television and movies for romanticizing relationships but the truth is if you look at the purpose of your relationship as being one to help you grow and elevate tension friction or difficulty is never a bad sign.

It's actually a sign that there's an opportunity to work through something to grow through something together.

And somebody is asking a question here and I think it's a really good way to maybe wrap up the episode with this understanding that the question basically is I don't want a relationship so what does that mean.

Which I spoke a little bit before about being in that state.

I don't want a relationship.

Oh yeah.

For people who don't want relationships.

Sometimes that's a defense mechanism.

People are tired of being alone so they decide not to work toward it and they you know get sort of defensive and say well I don't even want a relationship anyway.

There's a really interesting parallel that I shared with somebody.

It's funny that I feel like I just said it in a meeting with somebody but it's really relevant here.

There's a section in the Zohar which is the fundamental text of Kabbalah that says it's essential for a person to desire to have children.

It doesn't say it's essential for a person to have children because whether or not a person has children in one lifetime or another doesn't really depend on their desire.

There's a lot of different factors that play into conceiving and having children.

The Zohar isn't telling you telling us we need to have children.

The Zohar is saying we need to want to have children.

Why?

Because what's essential is the desire to share and not actually having them.

So there's a whole conversation that the sages have about desire to share.

Why is it important even to be in a relationship?

And that's why I brought that section from the Zohar is because whether or not you're in a relationship almost isn't up to you.

But what is essential is that you have a desire for a relationship because what it means is that you're growing your desire to share.

And being in a relationship requires a superhuman ability to share.

To share not only your bed with someone or your living space with someone which for a lot of us isn't easy either.

Especially if you live in Manhattan with five kids in a little two bedroom apartment kind of thing.

But even jokes aside there's a lot of discomfort that comes with sharing your life with someone,

Blending your families,

Blending your beliefs coming up.

I think that every couple that gets together almost has to come up with their own religion.

What do we believe and what do we practice and how do we practice it?

So the journey of finding the person and becoming one with them is secondary according to Kabbalah to the desire to have that opportunity.

So for all of those of you who are listening now that are single,

Nobody's standing here saying if you're not in a relationship you're wrong,

Bad,

Damaged,

Etc.

The opposite.

What's really important is to have the desire for a relationship whether you're 18 or 48 or 88 because what it shows is an expression of the desire to share within you.

So if that's not there,

That's what I wanted to get to.

All this conversation is just to get us to the point of if you are in that spot in your life where you feel I don't want that relationship or I don't want to improve the relationship that I'm in.

A lot of people say it is what it is.

I don't want to end it.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to destroy my family.

Check the.

.

.

And David I would love to hear what you would say to a person that says I don't want to be in a relationship or I'm done.

The key is to grow your desire to share,

To have those opportunities,

To be vulnerable,

Raw,

Exposed,

And love through them regardless.

If somebody told me I don't want to be in a relationship,

Number one,

I don't really know if this is one of the few people in this world that the Creator has a different plan for.

That's what I mean that you don't get to decide.

I don't get to decide that.

So what I'm hearing is when somebody says I don't want to be in a relationship,

What they're trying to tell you is I'm in pain about something.

I'm reacting to that by telling you I'm trying to make a statement because usually people make statements when they're in pain.

When someone's trying to be an activist,

They're trying to create activity.

Where's that activity coming from?

It's either coming from a desire to share or pain that they're trying to soothe.

That's what creates activity or what we call an activist.

When someone makes a statement,

Which is a form of activism,

We're saying I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.

Right away that makes me think,

Okay,

You're in pain.

I'll totally disregard the statement about relationship.

In fact,

I won't even think about it.

Who cares about relationship?

You're fine.

Don't be in a relationship.

Now tell me,

What are you upset about?

Then I'll get to the core of what they're upset about.

Let's say we got to the core of that.

We spent weeks or months overcoming that pain through kabbalah and therapy and all that stuff.

Then when that pain is healed,

I'll ask them,

Oh,

By the way,

Do you want to be in a relationship?

Nine out of 10 times now they are much more open to,

Let's say,

Wanting to be in a relationship.

There's no discussion when a person's in pain because when you're in pain,

Your desires aren't your real desires.

Your desires are all just to soothe the pain.

That's what you're thinking and feeling.

You don't really know who a person is when they're in pain.

You just know that they're reacting to their pain.

That's how I would answer that question or deal with that.

What's also interesting,

I think,

Is that people perceive relationships as messy and inconvenient.

Being in a relationship or even,

Let's say,

Trying to date takes me away from my spirituality,

Taking care of my health,

My career.

We'll talk more about this next week,

But one of the main reasons for the existence of the relationship,

According to Kabbalah,

Is so that we can learn to be closer to the Creator,

To emulate the Creator.

If you don't have that,

Again,

It's not up to us whether we have it or not,

But if we don't desire to have that opportunity,

We're missing out on something.

It reminds me of that,

What you just said reminds me of the saying,

It's not about how much you love someone when you love them,

It's about how much you love them when you hate them.

You don't really know what a test is until you're tempted into judging the person you love instead of loving them.

I like the conversation in the section that I was reading in the book.

There's all these different examples of real life people going through their struggles.

What's interesting is that in every one of those situations where one person or partner is pitted against the other,

It's because they've reverted to judging each other through their difficulties instead of loving each other through their difficulties.

I'm challenging everybody who's listening today,

Or it could be six months from now,

You could be listening to this episode,

To practice,

Make a habit,

Make a conscious decision that when my partner or my mother or my child or my best friend is behaving badly,

That I will allow them lovingly to go through their process and not judge them for it.

They're probably judging themselves or other people enough.

I don't need to add to the sauce,

But the real test of a relationship is can I love my partner,

My friend,

My parent,

My child,

Etc.

,

Even though they're not in a great space,

Even though they're not showing up for me the way I need them to show up,

Can I still love them and not from a judgmental space,

Not from a place that brings them down?

It reminds me of,

I was sitting,

The teachers were studying once,

The female teachers got together,

Were studying with Karen Berg once.

One of the teachers said to Karen,

When a couple is married,

There's a degree of shared tikkun,

Shared correction that they have right there.

They act as one to a certain degree.

When my husband is going through a bad period,

When my husband is struggling with something,

How much of that is on me?

Which I thought was a great question because it is very easy when you're very close with someone and they're struggling to take some sort of blame or feel failure or I wasn't there enough or I wasn't good enough or whatever it is.

So Karen answered by saying,

You have your tikkun,

He has his tikkun.

The question in a marriage,

In a monogamous relationship is always,

Am I helping him or am I hurting him?

And if we're honest with ourselves,

When our partner is struggling,

We're usually not helping.

We're usually resentful,

You're not showing up the way I need you,

You're not fulfilling your responsibilities,

You're not as warm or as loving or as caring and that's where the work is,

Is loving and caring regardless of the fact that we're not receiving the product we're used to receiving.

So on that note,

You have anything else to share?

That is great.

I'm getting a lot of comments about people asking me to just repeat real quick the five,

It's really six things.

Number one is to love or to tap into that second vessel,

Which is the long term vessel that will bring joy and pleasure is number one,

It's something you have to develop and choose every day.

Number two,

We say don't private label yourself,

Find your authentic self,

The custom formula as we say.

Number three,

It's a constant investment in them.

We're not just saying throwing energy at them,

We're thinking to think in an authentic way about how to give value to them and to help them grow.

Number four,

We said letting go of your personal expectation of them while number five,

Addressing issues from a place of care and not hurt because you want to protect the relationships,

Not protecting yourself.

And then number six,

Which I didn't talk about,

I'll just say is always talking to the creator and praying that the creator will help you become closer to this person because you also need the creator to become one with someone.

You cannot do it by yourself,

So it's inviting.

The best threesome is me,

My partner and the creator.

There you go.

That's the only threesome that's a lot.

According to Kabbalah.

So on that note,

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