The Three E's Of Empath Syndrome: Disengage From Narcissism

This talk presents a summary of how empaths who over-extend themselves develop Empath Syndrome. This talk explains how Empath Syndrome includes Engaging, Enabling, and Enforcing the actions and behaviours of people who exhibit narcissistic traits. This talk also provides strategies to set boundaries and enjoy being an empath without the pain and strain of being in maladaptive and unhelpful relationships.

Transcript

In my clinical practice,

I often have people who have been through really difficult relationships where they have experienced a variety and various levels of abuse or being undermined,

Gaslit,

Being treated very poorly.

And often what they describe is being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic character traits or behavior patterns.

And they kind of describe themselves as being the empath,

The individual who always let things go,

The individual who really tried to make things work,

The person who had more of a moral compass.

And in many ways that is absolutely true and it's really difficult for these individuals to feel safe and comfortable in their own skin.

Now narcissism as well as the disease to please,

If you will,

That comes from trauma.

Often people who resort to abusing others really have been abused themselves,

So I'm sure people have heard of that statement,

Hurt people hurt people.

So really what seems to happen is two options where there could be someone who's experienced some degree or range of trauma and that could result in externalizing or what I would call externalizing behavior.

And that seems to be a lot of where narcissistic behavior can be seen or characteristics may be developed.

And so they externalize the anger and the frustration goes outwards towards other people and they are very hypervigilant and one could even say that it is a PTSD,

Post-traumatic stress disorder reaction.

On the other hand,

People who have experienced a lot of trauma might go another way and internalize and really get this sense that well the only way that they can build relationships or be important is to make themselves as small as possible,

To implode as a person,

If you will,

To really retract.

And those are the people I'm kind of talking about today.

And that really causes them to become codependent because their identity is dependent on others and really strong personalities or strong kind of behavior patterns exhibited by narcissistic people.

There seems to be this mutual magnetism that occurs.

So what I mean by that is there seems to be an attraction of the empathetic person to the narcissistic person and the narcissistic person to the empathetic person.

And they both seem to feed off of each other.

And some people say everything happens for a reason and maybe it's because there are lessons that both parties really need to learn by being in these difficult situations.

So I'm not sure how much you might ascribe to that,

But that's another way of looking at it.

So focusing more on the empathetic kind of person,

And I'd really like to focus on some of the maladaptive traits that the empathetic person might engage in that actually continues to fuel this kind of dynamic.

And I call this the empath syndrome.

So there's a lot out there on the narcissistic person's kind of behavior patterns.

There are great people who are very skilled in exploring that.

You know,

For instance,

Dr.

Ramani Durvasula,

Her YouTube channel,

As well as Lisa A.

Romano.

There's Dr.

Grande.

There's a range of different people who talk about narcissism and how all of that kind of manifests and the impacts it has on the empathetic or the codependent person.

What I'd like to kind of focus on is the empathetic person.

And the empathetic person has wonderful traits.

They are very giving,

They're very loving,

They're very compassionate,

Sympathetic,

And of course empathetic.

They will give you the shirts off their backs,

Even if it means that they will freeze and they will give you the food off their plate,

Even if it means they're going to starve.

And so I'd really like to focus on the maladaptive aspects of the empathetic experience,

Specifically related to like that example of,

You know,

They'll give you the shirt off their back,

Even if it means they're going to freeze.

That's maladaptive.

There must be boundaries that are set or they'll give you the food off of their plate,

Even if they're going to starve.

Again,

That's maladaptive because the boundaries are not clear for that person and are not set in a way that allows them to flourish.

And I see a lot of this with my clients and,

You know,

They,

They really wondering how to kind of change these patterns.

So today I'm just going to explain a little bit of what I perceive as the three E's of empath syndrome.

So the first one is in empath syndrome,

People will engage with narcissistic behavior.

The next one is that people will enable narcissistic behavior.

And then the last one is that people who have empath syndrome will enforce narcissistic behavior.

So let me go through all three so that you have a sense of what I mean.

So the first E is engage.

So when someone who is portraying narcissistic behavior or narcissistic actions,

The person who is dealing with or who has empath syndrome will deeply engage in whatever those behaviors are.

So if someone who is narcissistic is talking about all of the vulnerability that they experience and how life is so unfair and how there really isn't anyone that really understands them,

The person with empath syndrome will engage with that information and will provide that person with attentiveness and care as if that individual had never hurt them before.

So they continuously give the narcissistic supply and they engage with the narcissistic person's stories and they engage with their traumas and dramas and they really put themselves into that other individual's space.

And so that really consumes them completely.

Now this is really different from being empathetic and having boundaries.

So for instance,

If someone who is narcissistic and they continuously over a period of time use that particular tactic of drawing you in with their vulnerability,

Please help me,

This is what I need,

This is gaslighting and undermining by saying,

Well,

You don't help me,

No one understands me.

If someone is continuously in that pattern,

Someone who is empathetic can still have boundaries and say,

Look,

I'm really sorry that that is happening for you,

But at this moment,

What I need to do is kind of take a step back.

There are a range of different people who you could talk to,

Counselors,

Psychologists,

Psychotherapists,

Social workers.

There's a range of different things that you can engage with.

Please go and do that.

Life coaches,

Et cetera.

Right?

So they have a boundary set.

I'm really sorry.

They're empathetic.

That still remains.

I'm sorry that happened.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way,

But I can't help you.

They disengage.

Whereas empath syndrome is where people will engage repeatedly again and again and again.

And clients will say to me that it's like an addiction.

They can't quite get out of this pattern because sometimes the highs are really high and the love bombing is so wonderful when it happens.

And of course that is linked to their own previous trauma and lack of attachment security.

So then we get to the second E,

Enabling.

So this is beyond engaging.

So by enabling the person who has empath syndrome will actually go out of their way to reinforce or to help the person who is displaying narcissistic tendencies or behaviors.

So they will say,

I'm so vulnerable.

The narcissistic person will say,

I'm so vulnerable.

This is happening to me and I can't handle this.

For instance,

I've lost my job.

I don't have a driver's license because I've lost it because I was speeding down the street and I really just have no one to help me.

It's so horrible.

And so then the person with empath syndrome will enable this behavior by saying,

That's okay.

Come and live with me.

That's okay.

I'll pick you up.

I'll drop you off.

And that continues to pull that person who identifies as an empath into this cycle that makes it difficult for them to actually set boundaries because now that you're doing all the driving and now that this person is inside your house,

Now that this person is engaging with your colleagues or your friends or whatnot,

They have more access to the things that are important to you and therefore the things that can enable them to make you more vulnerable.

So they can see how you live.

They can get access to information about you.

Things like financial statements,

Things like accessing your computer,

All of these kinds of things where they are collecting more information.

And for individuals who have been in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits,

You will know that that is one of the most dangerous experiences because the more access they have to you,

The more ammunition that they can use against you.

So that enabling refuels the narcissistic person's behavior.

So then the last one is that people with empath syndrome will enforce narcissistic behavior patterns.

Yeah,

So hear me out.

So what I mean by this is that people with empath syndrome will defend and will support the narcissistic behavior by telling other people not to do things,

Not to say things,

Not to act in certain ways to ensure that the narcissistic person is not triggered,

Is not upset,

Is not frustrated,

Is not angry.

Now of course there are many reasons people do this,

Including for their own safety.

And of course,

If it's an unsafe situation,

Calling the police and making a report is one of the first things that needs to be done.

But outside of significantly kind of violent responses from a narcissistic person where it would be very dangerous to try to set boundaries,

Generally people will say,

Oh,

Don't say that or don't do this or,

And they will actually curate other people's responses and actions and behavior so that the person who's displaying narcissistic behaviors or traits does not get triggered or frustrated.

So the person with empath syndrome is so worried about how that person,

The narcissistic person will feel that they completely undermine themselves in interpersonal settings or in other relationships.

They will defend that other person and say,

Oh,

Well,

It's because they were traumatized and this thing happened when they were young.

And absolutely,

As I mentioned before,

Trauma is a core cause of narcissistic behavior patterns.

However,

This individual who has empath syndrome will defend,

Will literally put their neck out for this other person,

But it doesn't really go the other way.

So those are the three E's that I've kind of considered working with clients and thinking about how this kind of manifests.

And when we're talking specifically about the maladaptive aspect of being an empath,

When it kind of goes too far.

And so the question is,

Well,

How do we stop engaging?

How do we stop enabling and how do we stop enforcing?

One of the key things that I work with with my clients is developing their own sense of personal identity.

Who are they outside of their relationships?

What are some of the things that they do that help to differentiate themselves from other people?

And I don't mean like being special or unique,

But just,

You know,

This is who I am.

Yes.

Okay.

I'm an empathetic person and I like to help people and I like to do X and Y and Z.

Okay.

In which environment is your empathetic nature supported?

Is it celebrated?

Is it reinforced in a way that is positive?

And how can you channel that energy?

Obviously people who have an empath kind of personality structure have great strengths really and truly.

And these people can really be great healers in the world.

So how can you really restructure the use of your empathy towards situations and people and opportunities that will reinforce the positivity and give back to you that will reciprocate for you those empath qualities,

Right?

You also need to have your cup filled.

You can't always just fill other people's cups.

So that having that sense of personal identity will help you to create that boundary to say,

Okay,

I'm not going to engage with this.

I see the pattern and I see that when I engage,

It hurts me more.

I'm going to release myself from that element of the syndromic pattern that causes me to feel worse in the end.

And of course,

Once you stop engaging,

It gives you the opportunity to stop enabling because you're just no longer engaged.

You're not present.

You're not participating with all of that kind of nonsense that the other individual might be presenting to you,

Right?

You'll be able to see it as this is not suiting me.

This is not really engaging in my life in the way that I need it to be.

If I let this person move into my house,

What is that going to mean for my finances?

What is that going to mean for my sense of peace and wellbeing in my home?

What is that going to mean for my children or for my pets?

What is that going to mean for my neighbors?

What is that going to mean for my family?

What is that going to mean for me in terms of often people who display narcissistic behaviors will subtly or explicitly isolate you from other people.

So you might even start to feel embarrassed and not tell people about this relationship because deep down,

You know that it's just not right.

And so then that can cause you to withdraw from others because of shame and embarrassment.

Or someone can actually be controlling and tell you not to see someone,

Not to speak to someone,

Not to do X and Y and Z.

And so when you think about,

Should I enable before you make a decision to give someone the shirt off your back,

Really think 10 steps ahead.

Okay,

Given the pattern that this person has displayed or enacted with me,

What is the likelihood that this is going to turn out well?

And people will often say,

Oh,

But I want to help this person because they're okay.

That's really lovely.

Can you channel that energy to help someone elsewhere?

Can you go and volunteer?

If you have all of this extra empath energy,

Can you go and volunteer somewhere?

At a shelter,

At a childcare,

At a retirement home,

Can you use that energy in a way that will be appreciated,

That may even be remunerated,

That you'll get paid for,

Or that will be received in a way that will give you a great sense of value and worth in the world?

People will appreciate it.

So then the last one is enforcing.

This one is very difficult in terms of what to do because people are really scared.

And what I mean is people are scared to tell the truth when a family member or a friend or whatnot says,

Oh,

Why is so-and-so acting so rude today?

Instead of saying,

Oh,

They've just had a really hard day and this has just been difficult and a lot of things have come up,

Allowing yourself and that other person to sit in that.

And even if it feels right for you responding and saying,

Yeah,

I don't know,

It's really damaging the way that they're behaving today.

Really acknowledging it.

That's the scariest part.

But really acknowledging it means not lying to yourself.

Because once you actually start to recognize that you or someone else might have this maladaptive empath syndrome process,

It is very confronting and starting to tell the truth.

Telling the truth about your frustrations about the relationship,

Telling the truth to your family members.

And you might feel shame and embarrassment and frustration of like,

Oh,

They told me he wasn't or she wasn't or they weren't the right person.

You feel that great sense of shame and despair.

More often than not,

Families,

Friends,

Colleagues are ready to jump in to support you.

More often than not.

And if it's not someone at work that can support you,

Then it's someone who's in your family.

And if it's not someone who's in your family,

It's a friend.

There is always somebody who is ready and willing.

There are other empaths out there who are ready and willing to support you.

So you stop enforcing the behavior with others by starting to tell the truth.

And as you know with every other kind of difficult experience,

Acknowledging that there is a problem and acknowledging that you have a concern about things is the first step.

So hopefully this summary of the three E's of empath syndrome,

Engaging,

Enabling,

Enforcing,

Helps you to kind of think about how you or someone you know or the clients that you may work with might be experiencing their empathy and how to kind of move in a way that changes and uses the empathy for good and not to reinforce difficult and traumatic experiences.

Namaste.

Reviews

Acknowledging how you feel about things in a relationship...omw, that hit a chord for me. I just don't seem to be able to get it "right". Yet another failed relationship. What is going on for me here? 😭 Am I just outgrowing this one now?

Very helpful TYSM

Thank you. I need repeated exposure to these ideas

This was so helpful as I put things in perspective. So much is done on narcissism. I needed the empath side. Thank you.

Thank you for explaining my part in my abuse by a friend in a large friendship group. I always seek to understand what has happened & my part so I don’t repeat it.

The gaining access to information was helpful. The toxic person in the group was gaining access to my private information via a trusted friend & this took me a long time to realise. I’m just thankful that I didn’t share more as the covert attacks would have been worse.

It has taken me a long time to piece it all together & rebuild myself. This talk is an important piece & I will revisit it.

Thank you again. Love to all who are on the journey of understanding. ❤️❤️❤️

Very interesting and thought provoking. Thank you 🙏

Really enjoyed this. Super insightful! 💙

I’ve done all of theee. Hearing about them has made me realise I need to be more aware and stop.

You have definitely described my situation accurately but I feel trapped in a no win scenario that I don’t know how to escape from. My spouse has turned their life over to me and refuses to help themselves become responsible for changing the circumstances that keep me from going forward without them.
I think it’s called a dichotomy!?
I must take decisive action before I become sick myself but it is devastating emotionally after so many years of suffering without being aware of why.
I hope that I can use this talk to motivate me to break the cycle
Thanks for sharing
Namaste 🙏

Thanks for useful information!

Food for thought and cautions to limit actions.

I appreciate the insights! 🙏

I knew I, as I did see it, I attracted needy people, I know I get a fix from that on some level, but I have always tried to help others.
Seeing it as you describe, as a syndrome has really put a different focus on how my trauma behaviour has enabled my own abuse. That is a real shocker. I am a 61 year old retired ex registered mental health nurse. Insight really does smack you across the face.
Thank you for this and how well it is delivered.

Thank you for this insightful talk. Very helpful and highly appreciated ❤️

Extremely helpful but I would love to hear a version of this with no background music. The music was very distracting from trying to take in the concepts.

Need to learn more about unhealthy relationships & listen more to close friends

Thank you. I appreciate how well you explain things.

Excellent 💐

Thank you for this 🙏

Insightful and concise