Becoming More Assertive and Curing the Disease to Please

Being more assertive is difficult for those of us who have been taught to make space and consideration for others. This talk offers a reflection on the experience of having the 'Disease to Please' and acknowledges the struggle to fill your space in this world. This talk ends with a visual imagery exercise to help listeners to tap into their energy and spirituality as a way to increase your confidence in yourself and expressing your needs. #timetothrive

Transcript

So,

If you're like me,

You find being assertive really difficult.

Perhaps you have been raised to believe that you shouldn't bother people or interfere with them,

Or it's not that big of a deal and that your needs are not that important.

Perhaps you were taught that you shouldn't interfere with other people's day or that you can tolerate things and being a good person includes being able to tolerate and accept things that are difficult or that interfere with you.

Perhaps this comes from a belief that perhaps you aren't that important.

Perhaps your needs aren't so much of a priority compared to everybody else's.

And I've struggled with assertiveness for a very long time and only rather recently have I started to really change that in the little and the best ways that I can.

And what that takes is a recognition that you are important too.

Yes,

You are important too.

And your needs should be your priority.

If you notice,

Other people can do pretty well in taking care of themselves.

Recently I was at a meditation and yoga retreat and I was having a great time and really relieving a lot of stress and frustration and difficulties from my mental space.

And I decided that I was going to sleep in the next day so that I could really rejuvenate.

And that took some decision making of maybe I should wake up at 6am and do the practices.

But I thought no,

I'm going to prioritize myself and I'm going to sleep.

Either way,

Going to the practices would have been a priority for self.

I think my reasoning for having done it would have been,

Well that's because that's what I'm supposed to do.

That's what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to wake up at 6 and go to the morning yoga versus this is what I want to do.

And if you have the luxury and you're at a retreat or even in life,

If you have the luxury to be able to even say this is what I want,

This is what I need versus this is what I must do,

Even in those small moments,

Please take them.

So at this retreat,

Sleeping in and I was woken to loud bass pumping music on the other side of the wall.

My neighbor had gotten up and was ready to enjoy her day and was playing this music.

And my sleep was broken.

And I felt a sense of guilt and shame about wanting the music to stop.

I felt stressed and overwhelmed with wanting to sleep and rest and to be silent,

But also wanting the music to quiet down.

And essentially I spent about 30 minutes that morning contemplating what to do.

I thought,

Oh yes,

I have earplugs in my bag.

Right?

So I will adjust.

I will adapt.

I will make myself smaller.

Assertiveness is very scary when you've been taught that being nice means allowing people to do what they want to do when they want to do it despite your discomfort,

Despite your frustration,

Despite it being something that inconveniences you.

So I thought,

Okay,

Well what I'll do is I'll send an email to the reception and I will ask them to remind my neighbor to keep the music down.

And I thought,

Okay,

That's a good kind of middle ground.

Then it's not me.

I don't have to say it.

I don't have to imply that I take up space.

I don't have to imply that I'm important in any way.

I don't have to imply that I have needs.

Maybe I think that that will give me what I want without having to actually ask for it directly.

So I got up and I sent the email and the music continued and the music continued and the music continued.

And I got to a stage where I thought,

Well,

What am I doing?

I am waiting for someone else to solve my problem.

If I was worried about inconveniencing somebody,

Well,

Am I not at the very least giving someone else another task to do by asking them to ask my neighbor to turn the music down?

And that knot in my stomach didn't go away as the music continued nonetheless.

So I paced.

Yes,

I paced the room.

What do I do?

What do I say?

How can I deal with this?

And I thought,

I am going to have to do one of two things.

I am going to have to dissolve myself,

Which is something that I had been doing for a very long time in my life,

Which had gotten me to the retreat.

If I am being honest,

Putting other people first,

Tolerating various abuses,

Bullying,

Being inconvenienced in so many ways for so many people and for so long.

My Catholic upbringing taught me that we must turn the other cheek.

I try to draw on Buddhist understandings of being at peace within oneself,

But I don't think I took that in its proper meaning.

Being at peace in oneself doesn't necessarily mean tolerating things that are intolerable or being uncomfortable to the point where you cannot be at peace in your mind.

Being at peace with oneself may very well mean knowing that you are worthy of time and being at peace with the knowledge that you are important,

That you matter.

I really had to consolidate and integrate this idea that I matter.

No one else matters more than me.

And for those of us who have what my sister calls the disease to please,

That's a really difficult concept to integrate and to practice.

I was at the retreat because I had spent so much time considering others and so little time considering myself.

And I said,

If I do not address this,

I will go back into life and I will continue to repeat this pattern until I need another retreat because I've just gotten to my woods end.

So I straightened my bun.

I put on my socks and I went out into the hallway and I stood out there for a moment before I walked down the hall and knocked on the door.

And I waited with my heart in my throat,

It felt like.

And to think that the anxiety is so strong,

The anxiety about putting people,

Making people accountable for their space and how it might affect your space is terrifying for those of us who have been so small in our lives.

We've been taught to be small and who have used that as an asset in some cases,

But also as an excuse not to move forward,

Not to feel better,

Not to do what is important for oneself.

And I knocked and the door opened a few moments later and I said,

Hi,

I'm your neighbour.

I am just relaxing and trying to meditate and rest.

Would you mind turning the music down just a little bit?

She of course obliged and said,

Oh yes,

Of course,

Not realizing that the music had been coming through the wall.

And I walked back to my room and she closed her door and the music was turned down and I could rest.

So I sent an email back to the reception and said,

Thank you,

I have spoken to my neighbour and she has agreed to reduce the music,

All good.

And I felt better.

I felt a distinct sense that I had done for myself and I had gotten what I needed because I had asked.

And while it may be inconveniencing to my neighbour to turn the music down or even embarrassing,

I would be embarrassed.

I know that if somebody asked me to turn the music down or turn the volume down.

But as long as you are kind in your communication,

There is no reason why your needs should not be considered as well.

Do not hide anymore.

You are not small.

You are source.

You are light.

You are God.

You are divine.

You are love.

I'd like you to consider those phrases expanding within your heart now.

You close your eyes and consider.

You are source.

You are light.

You are God.

You are divine.

You are love.

Remember those when you think you are uncomfortable or when you think you must tolerate a difficult situation.

Practice assertiveness starting with small things.

Remembering in your heart with an expansive warm light that emanates from your heart throughout your entire body and outside of it creating an aura around you.

Powerful protective aura of golden white light.

Hold that thought in your mind.

That may be being assertive about a meeting.

I need to leave 15 minutes early.

Being assertive about your time.

No,

I can't go and get that extra thing from the grocery store even though I've just been.

To be assertive about your space.

Please don't put that on my desk.

To be assertive about your time.

Not right now,

Maybe later.

Allow that golden white light to spread from your heart.

This is your protection.

This is who you are.

You are not small.

You are not limited.

You are more than enough.

You are important.

You matter.

Your needs matter.

You come first for yourself.

When you need to be assertive,

Remember and say it after me in your mind or out loud.

I am source.

I am light.

I am God.

I am divine.

I am love.

Take all of that in.

Let that golden white pure warm light radiate from your heart,

Expanding you,

Making you bigger.

Lifting your shoulders.

Straightening your back.

Lifting your head.

Rising your chin.

Expanding your chest.

Widening your torso.

Extending your legs.

You are not small.

You are as large as all the energy in the universe.

Namaste.

Reviews

Thank you

Some many great takes on valuing oneself. Thank you for sharing

Oh wow, I feel so seen. that resonated deeply and the affirmations at the end, I could feel my heart space expanding. Thank you so much for sharing that experience with us.

Excellent reflection on assertiveness! Your beautiful narration is crafted with grace, empathy, and love. Thank you for sharing this valuable and helpful content. 💕🙏🏾

Thank You, 🙏🙏 that was really thought provoking, and illuminating. I'm so grateful 🙏🙏💚 that You shared your Track with all of us including myself here on I.T., so that we can all benefit from your Teachings. Thank You again, 🙏🙏💚 I will follow you & definitely come back to this talk many times.🙏🙏🙏🙏💚💚💚🌈🌈💜💙💚💛🧡❤️🏔️🏔️🏔️🕯️🕯️🌲🌲🌲🌄🌄🌞🌻🌞💜🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🙋‍♀️

Very good thank you ! The background music however is too loud and distracting more gentle tune would work better ;-)

Thank you very much, I know very well the feelings you are talking about. This was so useful, thank you!!! Well recommended!

Thank you Doc! This was more than I expected from a talk. I truly appreciate you for the message I needed to hear.
I have always been assertive. But I did not like where my assertiveness needed to come from in order to deliver it. It was not pretty, nice or cute. I cringe a bit as I look back on my audacity as a younger person. Now in midlife, I’m understanding so much I never knew but am seeing that I never stopped searching for something to understand. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, thank you. There are times I am not assertive at all. I feel meek and small. You’ve reminded me about delivery being of the utmost importance when making requests. After all, we are one. How would we like to be approached in this instance? Actually spending time in silence to ask myself how I’d like to handle something works. ❤️🥰🌸🤗

Just what I needed to hear. Thank you! 🌛💜🌜