What are some mental habits that will not only improve your well-being,
But also make you a better person in the world?
That's what we're going to explore today on your life in process Welcome back to your life in process We've been on a little break and we are launching our second year and a new season of the show I'm so glad that you are here.
I am.
Dr.
Diana Hill and I like to see myself as your psychological Psychological flexibility guide and if you're new to this show this podcast offers you an integrative approach to living We use evidence-based psychology Time-tested contemplative practices and put them into the real world in your life and this season We're really going to be focusing on how to help high achievers strivers ambitious folk like you to Take your energy and put it in places that matter to you.
We're going to be looking at mental habits today We're going to be looking at your health behaviors We're going to be looking at your parenting and I want you to feel like you are making a difference in your life And in the world around you without burning out I'm excited about a new resource for you in the podcast,
Which we're just launching this year It's called the more life in process membership And it's a membership that you can join for five dollars a month fifty dollars a year A way for you to get back to the show if you get something from these episodes and you want it to keep going You can support the show by becoming a member It's also a way for you to get a little more dialed on the things that you are learning here every week You'll get a downloadable PDF that has key takeaways It has your daily practice and you also have access to a library of meditations and visualizations from me and become part of a community There's a place to chat with others and ask me some questions as well And I just want to say a big thank you to those of you who have joined the more life in process membership You can consider yourself a founding member John B Andrew C.
Melissa L.
Sonia L.
Carly C.
Leah G.
Jeremy R Christy P Michelle K Susan M Katharina S Tara R Lisa D and Jennifer E Thank you so much for supporting the show And if you want to support the show you can get a seven day free trial at your life in process Calm and bring these practices to your life So I was chatting with my husband this morning about what I wanted to do with this first episode back I kind of like to land with a splash,
You know,
And in previous seasons I've opened with big names like Stephen Hayes who is the co-founder of act?
We're gonna be having some great other big names coming up on the show but I really wanted this to be an episode where I just talked to you a bit about some things that I've been thinking about and one of the things that I've been thinking about is Our mental have habits in January There's this big focus on habits and health behavior change and everyone's on the bandwagon of changing habits I have clients coming in and telling me their list of a hundred tiny habits that they're gonna do in the new year I'm curious how many of those habits on that list are outward overt behaviors versus inward mental behaviors Because I think that it's our mental behaviors their mental habits that can Actually shape our outward behaviors.
We're gonna talk about this on the show But I want to say that I was thinking about that and talking to my husband about it He's kind of working on this exercise habit He's trying to get exercise going again the pandemic kind of threw him off like it did for many people And when I brought it up with him,
We talked about how yeah We kind of know a lot of the things that you need to do to create a healthy habit But even knowing those we're still having a hard time doing it so what is the the precursor habit to engaging in the behavior change and Mental habits are a lot harder to notice than even behavioral ones are We're gonna be talking about that today and in particular looking at five mental habits that will make your life better When you engage in them and the habits that we're going to be using to replace Five habits that just might be making your life a little bit worse So I like to think about habits from both a contemplative practice perspective and from a behavioral psychology perspective I'm always bridging these worlds and there's more similarities than differences in these angles on habits You see in the discussion of Buddhist psychology habits that contribute to our suffering Thich Nhat Hanh teaches how these habits these mental habits that we are in have causes and conditions They don't come out of nowhere and they are strengthened through repetition Behavioral psychology basically says the same thing.
There are certain environmental cues learning histories Contexts our own biophysiology that set the stage for certain habit formations And then it's our repetition of them and the reinforcement of them that make them automatic over time.
Dr Judd Brewer who is a frequent contributor on this show Talk to me about habit formation and that episode is going to be a special episode For those of you that are founding members that are just starting out on the more life in process membership I'm gonna upload it for you there so you can listen to this conversation with me and dr Judd about some of our habits and we get into relationship habits as well Which is kind of fun to hear about what's behind the scenes and dr Judd's marriage,
But we'll be sharing that on the membership for those of you that want to learn more and There's a very simplified model behavioral model that dr.
Judd References a lot in his work of habit formation I like to use the simple model first and then we can get all networky with it.
So in process based approaches We're looking more at bigger networks of how lots of different multi faceted bidirectional factors contribute to our behavior But let's start simple before we complicate things and the simple model of habit formation Is that there's a cue that cues you to do a behavior?
There is a behavior which is the thing that you actually do and then there's a reward and The reward can either be in the form of negative reinforcement Which is taking something away that you don't like when you do this thing It takes away your craving when you do this thing.
It takes away your anxiety when you do this thing It takes away your low mood,
Right?
That's going to be rewarding through negative reinforcement or it can be positive reinforcement Which is adding something that feels good.
The cue is what triggers you to do the behavior in the first place The reward is what keeps it going and it's important to remember that this habit loop Isn't just about the external world.
So often we think about cues outside of ourselves like oh my you know Partner left the alcohol on the counter.
And so that's why I started drinking But you can have cues inside of yourself that are triggering the behavior So for example when I am anxious What I do when I'm anxious what when I'm anxious I I clench my belly.
I hold my breath and I try not to think about what's making me anxious and Then the rewards that happen after that behavior Can also be internal rewards rewards are not just getting yourself You know a new pair of yoga pants or making money or getting you know,
Good jobs and gold stars from people Rewards can be much more subtle than that so if the cue is Anxiety my behavior is I clench my tummy hold my breath and try not to think about what makes me anxious Then the immediate reward is that I actually feel a little bit of relief Oh,
I'm not thinking about that thing for a minute and I'm not feeling because I'm holding my breath.
That's that immediate reward that Reinforces habits our brains pay attention to the immediate rewards not the long-term consequences because There are long-term consequences For holding your breath sucking in your stomach and not thinking about things Right things like physical tension and in my body and this weird crink in my neck on the left side that keeps on showing Up and avoiding doing things that actually I could do to help me with the things that I'm anxious about right?
So you can start to map this out for yourself And today I'm gonna have you actually map out some cues behaviors and rewards around these five mental habits that I think are going to make your life better and Help you start to see the patterns so that you can catch yourself in your daily life and put these new habits Into play into repetition so that you learn them one thing that I want you to remember in this habit loop of cue behavior and reward Is that you have the most power your power is most potent?
In how you behave the second part of the habit loop and Where you focus your attention on in terms of rewards so cues are going to continue to show up You're going to get anxious.
You're going to get irritable.
You're going to have cravings.
You're going to get bored Those are all cues inside of yourself that will show up over the course of your day And then external cues are going to show up right?
These are all things that you may or may not have a whole lot of control over but what you do have control over is the behaviors that you engage in when those cues show up and Then how you reinforce yourself for engaging in those behaviors one more thing I want to say before I tell you about the five habits that I think will make your life better The five mental habits that I think you'll make your life better is that you are most effective at at growing habits,
It's a lot easier to grow a new habit than is to break an old one and There's a saying that has been passed around around an act I don't know who sourced it originally if you know message me.
Let me know who said this first which is the dead person's rule and the dead person's rule is Don't plan for a behavior change that a dead person can do better than you let me tell you a few things that a person can do better than you a dead person can lose weight better than you a Dead person can drink less than you a dead person can be less critical than you Less judgmental than you a dead person can certainly worry a whole lot less than you Because they have a whole lot of things that they don't have to worry about right Those are all in actions not actions and when we're talking about habit change today and mental habit change What the research shows on habit change is that you're much more likely to be successful if you choose something That you can do as an alive person better than a dead person You can walk more than a dead person.
You can call your friend better than a dead person.
You can practice self-compassion More effectively than a dead person and when we're thinking about habits We're going to be talking today not only about the habits that you want to grow but how those habits are replacing a habit that you want to allow to lay fallow a new habit that you're going to reinforce with your values a New habit that you're going to put your attention on and put some repetition around so that it becomes an automatic Part of your life.
All right.
I'm really excited to share these five habits with you They're ones that we've talked about before on the show But I think this is a little bit of a different perspective on habits And that's what I'm trying to do here is give you something fresh give you something new but give you something that's grounded in time-tested wisdom and in experientially tested Psychology.
All right.
Here we go.
The first mental habit that I want you to create is The habit of self-compassion you are going to be replacing the habit loop of self-criticism With a self-compassion habit.
Have you noticed how quickly you criticize yourself?
We noticed that What is the cue that shows up for you to trigger the behavior of self-criticism?
And how is it being?
Reinforced let's map it out.
Think about the last time that you were critical with yourself could have been earlier today Could have been this week What were you doing?
What was happening for you?
What was the cue that triggered you to be self-critical?
Oftentimes we are self-critical in situations where we're learning something new a cue may be also when you're in an interpersonal relationship when you're around somebody you may be more self-critical certain people you may be more self-critical around a Cue for self-criticism can also be when you've made a mistake or you've kind of made an error in some way Another cue for self-criticism is just when you're having a hard time when you're feeling down some of the reasons why we develop a Self-critical habit has to do with just sort of our brain is to be focused on the negative and more critical in our learning history Right,
You may have been criticized when you were a child as many of us were as a means to motivate you It's part of our school system.
It's part of our parenting.
My gosh.
It's just I see this in myself I can hear myself nagging my kids and when I look at my ratio of how much am I nagging my kids?
To how much am I encouraging appreciating my kids?
It's not a good ratio.
It's a habit,
Right?
You may have also developed self-criticism because there's this general belief that if I'm critical with myself Then maybe I'm gonna motivate myself to grow right?
So there's these cues you're feeling vulnerable.
You're in a certain relationship You're making a mistake that triggers the behavior of self-criticism And then the reward is something like this aggressive self-improvement project if I If I'm criticizing myself that I'm making myself better Self-criticism is also experiential avoidance.
It's it's negative reinforcement because you are avoiding the difficult feeling of Being vulnerable of not feeling competent.
We don't like to feel incompetence or maybe you're learning something new and avoiding that feeling of uncertainty Or avoiding the feeling of failing at something.
So that's the habit loop.
You can see it You can think about it for yourself.
When was the last time you were self-critical what cued it?
What do you tend to do?
What is the short-term reward for you?
Here's what I want us to do We are going to be replacing this self-critical habit with a self-compassion habit So a dead person can be less self-critical than you But a dead person cannot be more self-compassionate than you and there's been over 4,
000 research studies on self-compassion at this point It's like mounds and mounds and mounds of research showing that self-compassion promotes mental wellness prevents burnout We think that being self-critical motivates us to change but research shows that it's quite the opposite That's true when you're self-critical it's going to lower your self-confidence and increase your anxiety and depression in the long term and It's going to undermine your ability to take towards steps towards change but when you practice self-compassion It helps you take the energy that you would spend and criticizing yourself and put it towards Making the changes that you want to make in your life It bolsters these stable feelings of self-worth in contrast to self-esteem,
Which has some positive benefits Self-esteem is also associated with narcissism and being Ecocentric and when you are always climbing to be at the top when you fall,
It's a harder fall So self-compassion is more of like a you think about blood sugar.
It's more stable over time There's less of these highs and lows that something like self-esteem has and we want that stability of self-worth It reduces stress.
It has a lot of physiological markers looking at everything from positive aging to immunity I have a long list of studies.
I've been researching self-compassion as you can tell for this book that I'm writing and I will put a PDF that you can download with a list and links to these studies if you want to take a deeper dive into any of them Members of more life in process you'll get access to that.
Self-compassion is a buffer for you.
I hope you're convinced Are you convinced yet?
This is half the battle of getting people Convinced to practice self-compassion.
We have a lot of fears about self-compassion and I'm actually gonna have Marcella Matos on the show I'm super excited about this one I myself Matos I met her a number of years ago at the compassionate mind foundation retreat She's in Portugal and she did this groundbreaking study of fears of compassion during kovat across 21 different countries 4,
000 people looking at how fears of compassion actually impact our resilience to the stressor of kovat So I can't wait to have her on and talk more about that But yeah,
We have fears.
It's normal to have fears about being self-compassionate We worry that our standards will drop or that will let ourselves off the hook But sometimes you just got to look at the data and not always trust your mind on those fears and what the data points you Is it self-compassion is one of those super skills in your back pocket?
It will help you navigate the stress and distress of life so much better.
So what is self-compassion look like and what is the new habit?
That you could develop Self-compassion looks like asking yourself What am I feeling right now?
What's going on in here?
What do I need?
Self-compassion is reminding yourself of your own common humanity when you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed Everybody feels this way sometimes It's staying present with yourself breathing into the painful parts with kindness and encouraging yourself To set boundaries and protect yourself from harm It's not a super passive thing and actually when they define compassion It has both this quality of turning towards discomfort and taking action to alleviate pain and suffering there's a yin and a yang so the yin being the tender sides of compassion and The yang being the more active sides to it.
This is fierce self-compassion Kristen wrote a book about fierce self-compassion and when I think about fierce self-compassion I think about Durga who is my favorite Hindu goddess who has these ten arms That extend from her.
She's the goddess of compassion She rides a lion right and in each of her arms she has these tools these weapons and the tools are things like a sword for intellect and a Conch shell to use her voice and I I'd love for you to think about like if you if you had if you had ten Arms like Durga what would be in some of those arms that would be your tools of compassion?
You know,
I think about my phone is a tool of compassion My phone is also a tool of self-criticism But it's a phone of compassion because it's the my access to calling people calling my friends,
Right?
That is a tool of compassion.
I would also say my running shoes Maybe maybe my Durga would have running shoes another hand.
That's an act of compassion.
I Would say my journal would be in another hand.
That's an act of compassion So what would be in the arms of your Durga that would demonstrate your self-compassion?
Here's how I want you to try making self-compassion your new habit The first step is map out your self-criticism habits.
So we've talked about this cue behavior and reward what triggers you to Be self-critical.
How are you self-critical and what are the short-term and long-term consequences?
The second step is to put in some simple self-compassion practices into the behavior part and reward yourself By enjoying the good feelings of your compassion system being activated Compassion feels good.
It has you know,
All sorts of good neurohormones oxytocin Your social engagement system that activates one self compassionate behavior that we've talked about on this show and that is really at the foundation of Compassion focus therapy is soothing rhythm breathing and soothing rhythm breathing is not forcing your breath But allowing your breath to slow down to a pace that is particularly soothing to you Drinking in your breath and sometimes I like to add a sentence to my breath This is what I learned from Thich Nhat Hanh adding a slow sentence helps you slow your breath down So a mantra right you naturally will slow your breath to about five counts.
So a sentence you could say to yourself is Breathing in I slow my body breathing out.
I am here breathing in slow breathing out Here and when you practice soothing rhythm breathing,
It helps you get into this more compassionate mind state I will link to a soothing rhythm breathing meditation for you all an insight timer So you can try it out there and that will be one of your first behaviors to replace the self-criticism habit Just slow your breathing down and be there for yourself The second behavior that you can replace a self-critical habit with or a more self compassionate habit is softness and warmth Softness and warmth it's nice terms,
Right?
I think about my labradoodle Tudor and at nighttime when she curls up into her little dog ball by the bed and the kids come In to read with me.
They often want to go down and just cuddle with her because she's soft and warm She's regulating and they're kind of co-regulating each other.
We'll talk to Stephen Porters about this idea around co-regulation,
But Bringing softness and warmth to ourselves helps soothe us helps care for us,
Right?
And you can bring softness and warmth to your own feelings to your own body So you notice something is stressful.
Something is hard.
You're trying something new you're in a conflict.
You're making a mistake Notice the area that feels vulnerable and turn towards those feelings within your own body with softness With warmth sometimes people like to imagine a warm color just flowing in and around that is comfort physical or emotional You could put your own hand hands on your body a yoga practice that I really like to do is a cupping of the eyes So you rub your hands together until you feel the warmth of the friction and then you just place your hands over your eyes and it Gives you a chance to bring some warmth to the eyes and just take away that visual sense You could rub your hands together and put your hands over your heart Or you could put your hands on your cheeks Like maybe your mama did or someone who loved you did we put your hands on your cheeks?
These are ways of bringing softness and warmth to yourself So we have soothing rhythm breath bringing softness and warmth and then the third self compassion habit that you can try the mental habit Is a habit of tuning in and listening to a compassionate version of you a version of you that wants the best for you Sometimes it's helpful to think about somebody in your life that has wanted the best for you maybe it's been a coach or a kindergarten teacher or an aunt or uncle a best friend envision their face and how they look at you and Look at yourself in that same way There was a study by camus and colleagues who create a situation where people felt left out or socially excluded And just being reminded of an attachment figure Buffered the brains response to the exclusion other studies have also looked at people who are in physical pain and just Looking at a picture of a loved one can reduce your experience of pain I'll put a link to those studies again in that list of studies for members but when you practice starting to generate this compassionate version of you and Feelings towards yourself of wanting the best for you.
It gives you some courage and some energy to face the discomfort There is a critical version of you.
There's a child version of you.
There's a Angry version of you.
There's a scared version of you You also can cultivate a compassionate version of you to help you out when you need it most Okay,
I spent a lot of time on the first mental habit of self-compassion I think it's probably one of the most helpful habits that we can start to do in our life And it's one of the ones that requires a little bit of practice and attention.
I want you to engage in this first mental habit of Replacing the habit of self-criticism with a habit of self-compassion and you can do that through these three behaviors soothing rhythm breathing turning towards yourself with softness and warmth and Imagining a compassionate version of yourself that is strong wise and wants the best for you Alrighty mental habit number two This is a good one And I think it's one that we all need and can use a little bit of practice with Because there's so much pulling us away from it The second habit that I think will make your life better.
Actually,
I know will make your life better hands down is getting present with gratitude Making getting present with gratitude a new habit and this is used to replace your habit of being somewhere other than where you are In your mind and your habit of worry and it's this real sweet combo of being present with gratitude That I think will give you the best benefit So we all have the habit of thinking we all Have the habit of worrying and some of us worry more than others Some of us tend to be out of the present moment more than others but we all spend a lot of time thinking about events that are not happening right now and May spend some time also worrying about the future or dreading the future.
There's consequences to worry in particular There's the physical health consequences.
We see with generalized anxiety disorder people that are chronic Worryers,
They have greater heart disease heightened cortisol response Lowered immune reaction sleep problems all cause mortality.
So worrying is bad for your health I hope I don't make you worry too much about that But we don't need to worry because we can identify our worry habit and we can do something different about it Again,
Looking at the cue behavior and reward.
Why are we doing it?
Why do we worry in the first place?
Worry is a habit loop.
Dr Jed talks about this and unwinding anxiety quite a bit and there's a lot of cues that can trigger you to worry Think about it for yourself.
When was the last time you're really worried about something?
What was triggering it?
Was it an uncertain situation?
Was it a loss of control?
I was worrying in the middle of the night about getting everything done then I needed to get done Today and going around and around the loop of all the things that I needed to get done.
Why do we worry?
Needed to get done.
Why do we worry?
Because it's a behavior a mental behavior that has a reward It gives you the reward of a false sense of being emotionally prepared for negative outcomes When you're worrying about something at least you're doing something about it But we conflate worrying with problem solving problem solving is actually a very useful thing to do But when i'm in the middle of the night worrying about all the things I need to get done the next day and it's two O'clock in the morning that is not problem solving.
I have no ability to control or solve that problem I didn't have the resources to actually engage in solving the problem There's some interesting research on worry.
Worry actually doesn't prepare you for a better outcome So even if the thing that you worry about happens,
You don't perform better in response to that thing In a study out of University of Pennsylvania participants with generalized anxiety disorder Were asked to record their worries for a period of 10 days and then they were asked How often did your worries not come true?
So the mode response Remember statistics median Mode and mean Median is if you line up all the numbers in order and then you find the one that's right in the middle of them Mode is the most frequently occurring number and then mean is the average So the mode response the most frequently occurring number Of what percentage of time did your worries not come true?
Was 100% And then the mean the average amount was 91% So it's very unlikely that your worries are actually to come true And worrying doesn't prepare you even if they do And for the nine percent of times that maybe your worry does come true.
Guess what?
You have a skill for that Self-compassion.
Let's get you out of this worry habit loop place that I want you to go Is the place where an alive person resides which is present And in the moment and grateful thinking about what's happening right here and right now There's a classic study that maybe you've heard about but it's good to revisit by Killingsworth and Gilbert It's been quoted many times because it's so good.
It's called a wandering mind is an unhappy mind And what the researchers did is they used owns at random moments during the day to contact participants And ask them three questions.
This was done with over 5 000 people in 83 different countries ages 18 to 80 There was like 86 or more occupational categories of activities that they were engaging in So a nice big sample and these were the three questions that they asked.
I want you to ask them for yourself now Okay.
So the first question is What are you feeling right now?
You can rate it from zero to a hundred Very bad to very good.
What are you feeling right now?
The second question is What are you doing right now?
And they asked about like 22 different activities,
But you just ask yourself.
What am I doing right now?
You might be in the car You're certainly listening to a podcast.
You may be doing something else.
I know you multitask when you do this Maybe you're running.
Maybe you're cooking.
Maybe You're ironing What are you doing right now?
And then the third question is are you thinking about what you're doing right now?
And then the third question is are you thinking about something other than what you are doing?
The options are no Or yes I'm thinking about something pleasant Neutral or negative.
So here were the results for about half of participants.
Their mind was wandering and People were less happy when their minds were wandering than when they were not So say you're driving and it's not that enjoyable and your mind is wandering to some vacation that's coming up It actually didn't improve their happiness The third finding was that when people were thinking about pleasant topics It also didn't make them any happier than thinking about their current activity So interesting right and when people's minds were wandering to neutral Or unpleasant topics.
They were considerably Considerably unhappier and finally what people were thinking about was a better predictor of their happiness than what they were doing So you can predict someone's happiness just by asking them.
Are you thinking about the present moment or something else?
Than actually looking at what they are doing in their life.
So I want to read the the researcher's conclusion to the study What they said was in conclusion A human mind is a wandering mind and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes with an emotional cost Okay,
If that is not a motivation to get present.
I mean what is right?
We are happiest when we are thinking about what we're doing When we're present in what we're doing and even if we're imagining pleasant activities,
It's not necessarily improving the situation So what do we do instead make getting present a habit?
And give yourself that little bonus of gratitude.
We know that there's a lot of research on gratitude practice But we're all kind of sick of writing our gratitude lists and we get kind of habituated to them.
So instead Get present right here and right now and get grateful about something that's happening right here and right now This is the habit loop.
You notice that your mind is wandering which is just going to happen 50% of the time Are there certain situations where your mind tends to wander more?
What cues you to more mind wandering when you're bored when you're doing something uncomfortable?
Notice those cues Notice the cues to worry and then catch yourself And bring your mind back to the present moment I've talked about this mindfulness bell that we have in our house that rings on our device every hour you know people find it kind of obnoxious,
But Even my dog is cued up to this thing now and we all stop what we're doing And it's a reminder to get present to refocus try this for yourself right now Get present in your body in this moment.
And what are you grateful about?
I have this really soft Weighted cozy ugg blanket that's over my lap So i'm like business on top ugg blanket on bottom here I'll tilt the screen for those of you that are watching me on youtube I'm encased in a cozy warm ugg blanket in my office And I am very grateful for it.
I love it.
It makes me happy every time I use it Something you're grateful for and then the reward is taking in the good Of that gratitude and present moment Okay,
So we have make self-compassion a habit make Getting present with gratitude a habit the third habit that I think will make your life better Is a fan it's a fan favorite of mine.
I've been practicing it and studying it for such a long time Through yoga practice and research and appetite awareness training It's interoceptive awareness make interoceptive awareness Habit a mental habit.
What is interoceptive awareness?
And what are we replacing it with?
You are going to replace your habit of suppressing ignoring overriding your body signals With tuning into with curiosity awareness of what's happening in there When I interviewed kimberly wilson who was the great british baking show finalist and also a nutritionist Finalist and also a nutritional psychologist on the from striving to thriving summit One of my favorite interviews on that summit.
She talked about How we think about our bodies as meat suits She said we think our bodies are meat suits carrying our brains around and we don't consider the wisdom that they have So your body is sending you signals all day long and these signals actually harbor really important information about your well-being Annie murphy paul called it the extended mind right and they can guide you You know,
These signals can guide you around what actions to take next when you have interoceptive awareness You can sense cues within your body like your own heart rate your hunger your tension your tiredness And then you can choose to respond to them more effectively There's a good amount of research showing that interoceptive awareness helps you better regulate your emotions helps you effectively respond to the present moment adapt to stressful situations Individuals who score higher on interoceptive awareness are better able to rebound from stress So they see a link between resilience and interoceptive awareness And it's been used in recovery treatment protocols for eating disorders and substance use And it may also help you make better decisions.
There's a fun study where they looked at stock traders like in wall street And those that had higher levels of interoceptive awareness as measured by their awareness of their own heartbeat Made more money so it can help you if you listen to what your body is telling you And i've noticed this in my own life When I was trained in yoga,
I was trained at the eldorado mountain yoga ashram Where there were no mirrors we were like in a yurt and in this beautiful yoga meditation hall So a lot of my yoga practice in my early training was all about tuning in and making subtle adjustments to find my my inner alignment And when I first went to yoga with mirrors,
I was shocked because I have scoliosis so i'm pretty crooked And the mirrors the mirrors can be helpful for me to like oh make little adjustments My down dog is like one hip is way higher than the other so it can be helpful to me to make some subtle adjustments But if I had had the mirrors first I would have missed out On all the information and that my body had sent me about how to find my own inner alignment So we use both right?
We don't get so So entangled in our body's sensations that that we're overwhelmed by them or misinterpret them That's like panic disorder,
Right?
And then we also don't become so detached from our body that we miss out on its messaging Interceptive awareness is your ability to perceive your internal state so that you can learn to shift your attention to your body While staying present in the world around you you get flexible attention toggle back and forth not getting stuck in uncomfortable sensations But not ignoring them either There's a nice paper on learning interceptive awareness by price and hoven which talks about the three stages of interoceptive awareness The first stage is body literacy Learning to identify and articulate what's happening in your body.
This is what hopefully we start to teach our kids how to do this The second is accessing so learning how to be able to focus your attention into your body and then appraisal Appraisal learning to relate to your inner experience differently rather than controlling it or trying to fix it Appraising it accurately Using it as information but not getting entangled in it habit loop If your habit is to ignore suppress shut down shut out your body or get so obsessed about your inner Sensations and emotions that you're not engaged in the world the first simple habit that I want you to try Is one eye in and one eye out?
One eye in what's happening in your physical body right now.
What are you feeling?
What are you needing?
What are you noticing?
Are you hungry?
Are you full?
Are you tired?
Are you restless?
Are you warm you cold?
Is there pain?
Are you tense?
Right and then one eye out what's happening in the world around you a related habit that you can start to develop That is queued up three plus times a day is appetite awareness appetite awareness We are so disconnected from our hunger and fullness.
It's ridiculous and Unfortunately,
Our environment supports that our food system supports that We don't have as much contact with growing food making food the slowness around food that maybe our ancestors did but having Appetite awareness is just doing a check-in before and during eating So before you eat asking yourself,
How hungry am I on a scale from zero to seven?
Seven is i'm really really full Zero is I am starving.
I don't have I have nothing left in my tank and four is you know,
I'm neutral I'm neither hungry nor full And then while you're eating paying attention To what does eating feel like in your body?
When are you full?
What does fullness feel like?
How can you tell the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger emotional fullness and physical fullness?
It requires tuning in to figure that out and the more that you tune into it the easier it will get over time Unlike dieting that gets harder over time appetite awareness gets easier over time.
This is a good thing So you have multiple times a day to practice that And then the third practice of interoceptive awareness that you can use is The habit of interoceptive awareness while you're moving so moving from the inside out and I really prefer I really prefer yoga for this,
But i've also brought it to my running.
I've brought it to my hiking where i'm paying attention to my body's Desires my body's needs my body sort of initiates the movement when i'm running when I feel a burst of energy That will be the time where i'll do a little sprint And when i'm slower when I have lower energy,
I might just slow my pace down a little bit It takes interoceptive awareness to know that Yoga classes may have a little bit more guidance from a good teacher And I love yoga soup,
You know that I talk about yoga soup all the time I'm excited because i'm going to be teaching a meditation every friday At yoga soup 8 a.
M.
Pacific time to 8 45 pacific time and you can come in person or come online We'll be doing a lot of interoceptive awareness stuff and then stay for a class go to eddie's class overlooking the ocean at 10 a.
M After meditating with me,
It'd be like a great day The fourth mental habit that I think will make your life better is to make a habit Of letting go and this habit is to replace the habit of resistance and control when something shows up That you don't like your tendency is probably to get rid of it control it fix it resist it doing anything you can to not feel it But there's a central premise in act which is pain and values are two sides of the same coin And in order to have a meaningful life,
We're going to experience some discomfort I feel uncomfortable Many many times every day.
It's uncomfortable to be a parent.
It's uncomfortable to meet new clients It is Uncomfortable to do a podcast like this and put it out there to all of you to listen to it's uncomfortable Be in a long-term relationship There's all sorts of things that could show up But when we resist or try and control discomfort It can turn us away from the very things that are important to us So with letting go you let go and practice acceptance around the things that you don't have control over I love the conversation I had with Jennifer Shepard Payne who's an act expert For racial trauma.
I loved what she had to say She shared that many people she works with don't resonate with the term acceptance.
So she uses the term It is what it is instead And you can choose different words if letting go doesn't work for you if acceptance doesn't work for you You can choose a phrase that does to help remind you to loosen up around something Here are some that i've used with clients that have resonated with them.
So i'm going to read through this list and think about Something in your life that you are resisting or having a hard time accepting or you know grabbing a little too tightly right now Which ones have you used?
Right now Which ones of these phrases or words work for you?
Open up be with it.
Hold it lightly Welcome see things as they are be willing say yes to life.
Let go accept any of those fit And if if one of them fit write it down because this will be sort of your phrase your your line that you repeat to yourself When you notice your resistance showing up There's a lot of research showing that when you accept emotional and physical pain it improves mental health People that have chronic pain who willingly accept their physical discomfort have lower pain intensity less anxiety and depression And then they're also more active during the day and their work is less impacted.
That's from the research by mccracken on chronic pain There's also some research showing that your willingness to experience traumatic memories and thoughts Is associated with less post-traumatic stress depression and anxiety take-home message is if you are willing to have discomfort If you practice letting go and accepting you will better be able to engage in your life When you stop fighting reality you become more resilient to stress You have more agency to put your energy towards what you can control acceptance is also a mood booster There's this cool study by lindsey et al in 2018 that compared mindfulness meditation To a mindfulness meditation plus acceptance skills and they found that although both interventions reduced negative Affect so low mood only mindfulness plus acceptance produced greater positive daily mood So acceptance is sort of that key ingredient here And my guess is it probably has to do also with acceptance allows you to start engaging in your life The more engaged you are the more present you are the more positive your mood.
Okay,
How do you do it?
How do you practice acceptance?
I gave you the first Habit that you could put in there which is saying your your acceptance phrase to yourself when the cue shows up and you notice yourself Getting tense say to yourself that phrase let go it is what it is be willing,
Okay The second habit that you could try out is to make a two-column list You can think about this as I talk about it first column What are the things that you can control about this situation?
And what are the things that you cannot control about this situation?
And instead of putting a lot of energy into trying to control what you cannot control and then not taking action around where you can Take action see clearly This is something that I don't have control over worrying in the middle of the night about my to-do list Right.
So how can I accept what's happening in this moment?
I'm awake.
I feel tension in my body There's a lot of my plate.
Can I accept that?
And then what can you control?
Lastly Practice letting go with your body a little bit more noticing tension in your face Noticing tension in your back and this is where you can use some of those Interceptive awareness skills to pay attention to where your body is resisting.
Can you soften with your body?
Soften with your belly take the weight of the world off of your shoulders for a moment and let your shoulders Drop down a little and this will create a new habit loop so that when you see resistance show up Tell yourself be with it.
Let go you know where to put your energy what you can control and then you soften with your body Okay,
Last one here.
We are final mental habit that I think will make your life better I know will make your life better.
This mental habit is know what matters As simple as that Then knowing what matters is to replace the habit of avoidance Knowing what matters will help you with procrastination Knowing what matters will help you call that person that you need to call Knowing what matters will help you with your health behavior change like exercise or eating differently or getting more rest Because when you have clarity around your values those values can motivate the behavior changes that may be on your habit list for 20 years Maybe on your habit list for 2023 and knowing what matters will help you become a more flexible perfectionist Putting your energy your perfectionism your high standards and the places where it's important to put those things And then relaxing around and being a little more flexible around the areas of your life that don't matter as much You don't need an a plus in every single subject But you might want an a in some of them the ones that matter to you And the ones that matter a little less It's just a pass or fail Try and pass Okay So the habit loop around knowing what matters is really a choice point habit loop Of when something shows up when you're faced with a choice between avoiding discomfort or choosing your values You choose your values and then you're reinforced by the intrinsic positive good feelings Of living your life in line with the type of person that you want to be in the world,
Which is psychological flexibility So these five habits are the habits of someone who is alive Someone who wants a fulfilling life someone who wants to strive for compassion and good in the world And the first mental habit you're going to be practicing is practicing the habit of self-compassion Replacing your self-criticism habit with self-compassion The second habit that I want you to work on is getting present with gratitude Making that a habit Replacing your mind wandering and your worrying With gratitude in the present moment.
The third habit is the habit of interoceptive awareness paying attention to your body living from the inside out And replacing the habit of being in your head all the time suppressing your body's needs and ignoring Your physical self.
The fourth habit is a habit of letting go acceptance replacing the habit of resistance with a habit of being with and the final habit is Knowing what matters to you and choosing what's most important to you You're replacing the habit of avoidance And choosing a habit of engaging in life So that you make a difference in this world.
All of those will be listed out in your daily practice Which is available to members go sign up for that membership at yourlifeinprocess.
Com Thank you for listening to the show.
Please help me out share it with a friend Text it to a family member Subscribe to the podcast and write a review on podchester.
Just help me spread the word.
Okay.
Take care Thank you so much for listening to this episode of your life in process When you enter your life in process when you become psychologically flexible you become free If you like this episode or think it would be helpful to somebody please leave a review over at podchester.
Com And if you have any questions,
You can leave them for me by phone at 805-457-2776 Or send me a voicemail by email at podcast at yourlifeinprocess.
Com I want to thank my team Craig Angela Stubbs Ashley Hyatt and thank you to Ben Gold at Bell and Branch for his original music This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only and it's not meant to be a substitute for mental health treatment
