The Problem With Self-Esteem: Focus On Self-Worth Instead

In this episode of The Unconditionally Worthy Podcast, I explain the difference between self-esteem and self-worth and why that’s an important and impactful distinction.

I share my experience with high self-esteem and low self-worth so that you might be able to recognize if you’re facing some of the same challenges that duo causes. Then, I provide you with a powerful strategy you can use to practice connecting with your self-worth.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode eight of unconditionally worthy,

The podcast.

Wow.

It's kind of hard for me to believe that we're already on episode eight.

It's pretty cool.

And I'm really grateful that you're listening,

That you're tuning in every week for this podcast.

And today we're going to be talking about the difference between self-esteem and self-worth.

And I think this is a really important topic because we hear a lot of talk about self-esteem and self-confidence in our world.

People recommending,

Oh,

You should just be more self-confident.

Oh,

You should just increase your self-esteem.

And all of that is great,

But I think we sort of are too focused on the surface and not enough focus on the sort of deeper pieces in terms of how we feel about ourselves.

And I think that self-worth really gets at some of those deeper pieces.

So I'm looking forward to digging into this topic today and talking about my own experience with high self-esteem and low self-worth so that you might be able to recognize whether you're experiencing the same challenges.

And I'm going to leave you with a really great strategy for practicing connecting to your self-worth.

So for most of my life,

I had pretty high self-esteem in the area of academics specifically.

I always did well in school and I was overachieving type A student who got my assignments done,

Turned them in on time.

And I felt really comfortable in that structure.

Not all students feel comfortable in the structure of here's the assignment,

Here's when it's due,

Turn it in,

Get the grade,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

But that was a very comfortable and safe structure for me.

And I did well.

And so my self-esteem in general academically was high.

But even though my self-esteem and confidence in my ability to do well academically was almost always high,

When I didn't do well,

I was crushed.

And I was so upset because I didn't have the foundation of self-worth to support my sense of self.

Right?

So I just went up and down based on how I felt about myself or how I was doing.

And there was no sort of foundational sense of worthiness that was cushioning the highs and lows that self-esteem brings you.

So I remember clearly taking the GRE during the summer before my senior year of college.

And the GRE is a standardized test that you have to take to get into many graduate programs in the US.

And so I needed to take the GRE to get into a PhD program.

And I took a GRE prep class over the summer.

And I studied consistently.

And I did my best to prepare.

But I was super anxious during the exam because I had a history of not doing well on standardized exams.

And that really wasn't my strength.

And so my self-esteem in the area of standardized tests was a little bit shaky.

And I was just super nervous during the test.

This is probably TMI.

Hopefully you're not eating at the moment.

But I had diarrhea in the middle of the exam.

I had to pause the test,

Get up,

Go to the bathroom very quickly because I was so nervous.

And when I get nervous,

My stomach gets upset.

It gets bothered.

And that is what was happening for me.

So needless to say,

This was not a positive experience.

And all of my achievement and all of my high self-esteem in other areas of my academic experiences did not carry over to me taking the standardized tests.

So I was really nervous.

And that distracted me.

I'm sure I know I didn't do my best.

And my self-esteem just really wasn't coming through for me in that exam.

And when I took the GRE,

We got the score immediately.

So you click submit.

They're like,

Are you sure you want to submit?

And you say yes.

And you click submit.

And then you get the score immediately.

It just pops up.

And I was crushed.

I don't even remember what the score was.

But I do remember feeling like I was not going to be getting into graduate school.

I was so upset.

And I sobbed during my ride home.

I was so hurt and upset and just felt like I needed to give up my goal of going to graduate school.

And I think I was so upset because I felt that my score on the GRE reflected who I was in some way.

My high self-esteem and academic performance might have given me the confidence that I was smart.

But it couldn't do anything for me when I felt like I had failed because my underlying self-worth was so low.

So one challenge with self-esteem is that when we're doing well at something,

It feels great.

We're on the top of the world.

We've accomplished something.

We feel like we are just so good.

We are the best at this.

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Dust our shoulders off.

And when things are going well,

When we get the raise,

When we get the promotion,

When we get the good grade,

When we get into graduate school,

All of those things feel great.

But we end up on this constant treadmill of pursuing one accomplishment after the next because that feeling of feeling great about ourselves never lasts.

So you get the promotion,

You get the job,

You get asked out on the date,

Whatever it is,

And you feel great for a few hours,

Maybe a few days,

Maybe a few weeks or months if you're lucky.

And then soon enough,

You need another boost.

You need something else to make you feel confident and powerful again.

And that is not coming from within you.

It's coming from some external thing.

And so you end up on this constant treadmill,

This constant needing to prove that you are worthy and to bolster your self-esteem.

And all of that is exhausting.

And the reality is that when we are pursuing these self-esteem goals,

We're not really addressing the root of the problem.

And the root of the problem,

The reason that we have to keep chasing after these goals again and again and again is because deep down,

We don't feel worthy.

Another challenge with self-esteem is that when we rely on our self-esteem,

We end up in a toxic conditional relationship with ourselves.

We like ourselves when we're succeeding and doing well,

And we treat ourselves well during these times,

But when we're struggling or having a hard time,

We end up being harsh and self-critical and generally treating ourselves poorly.

And none of us want to be in a relationship with someone who is only good to us and only likes us when we're succeeding at life.

But we end up developing this kind of relationship with ourselves when we rely on self-esteem.

I wonder if you've ever experienced something similar.

Have you ever been where I've been?

Have you ever felt the high of self-esteem in one area of your life only to feel the crash of low self-esteem when you make a mistake or experience a failure?

If you have,

You're certainly not alone.

So let's talk about what self-esteem is and what self-worth is and the difference between the two.

So our self-esteem is based on our abilities,

Accomplishments,

Social position,

And things we believe we can achieve.

We can bolster our self-esteem by learning new skills and improving our performance.

Self-esteem goes up and down depending on how we're doing in various aspects of our lives.

Self-esteem has a place in our lives,

But it's on the surface of how we see ourselves and what we do in the world.

In contrast,

Unconditional self-worth is distinct from our abilities and our accomplishments.

If we never accomplish anything,

If we never achieve our goals,

Unconditional self-worth remains.

Unconditional self-worth is not about comparing ourselves to other people.

It's not something that you can have more or less of.

Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive,

To be loved and cared for,

And to take up space just because you're human.

The advice to bolster our self-confidence is limited because it really only deals with the fruit we bear.

But everyone knows that in order to bear fruit,

A tree must be healthy deep down in its roots.

You can do all you want to coax beautiful fruit and flowers from a tree,

And maybe it'll bear fruit for a season or two.

But if you truly want a healthy tree that will grow and stand strong,

You have to tend to the roots.

When we focus on our self-worth,

We are tending to our roots.

We are going down deep to make sure that we are grounded and nourished where we need it most.

That way,

Even in the winter months of our lives,

When we can't bear fruit,

We still stand tall and stand strong,

Knowing we are worthy.

When I finally began to connect to my unconditional self-worth,

I no longer relied on self-esteem to bolster my confidence.

I was more resilient in the face of challenges and setbacks,

And I was able to focus more on who I wanted to be in the world rather than just on what I wanted to do in the world.

Knowing that I am worthy unconditionally helped me to provide myself with a foundation of self-assurance and calm that I was always missing on the rollercoaster of self-esteem.

Do I still get disappointed if something doesn't go well or I make a mistake?

Yes,

I'm human and I have human emotions.

And even though I still feel disappointed,

I'm not crushed or overwhelmed by it because I do not feel my worth is dependent on me getting everything right and succeeding at everything.

I am no longer relying on my self-esteem in order to feel good about myself and in order to feel worthy.

When we're focused on cultivating our unconditional self-worth,

Instead of just bolstering our self-esteem,

We focus on building a healthy,

Unconditional relationship with ourselves.

One of my favorite quotes is from Pema Chodron,

Who's a Buddhist nun,

And she says,

Right now,

Can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself?

Just at the height you are,

The weight you are,

With the intelligence you have and your current burden of pain.

Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?

I love this quote because it really challenges us to let go of the conditions we've placed on our relationships with ourselves.

Self-esteem tells us we can like,

Love,

And accept ourselves when we lose weight,

When we get the promotion,

When we get the good grade,

When we're free from pain,

When we're in the relationship,

Et cetera.

In contrast,

Self-worth says no.

Right now,

Right where you are,

You can love and accept yourself just as you are in this moment.

We all want our partners,

Our family,

And friends to love and accept us just as we are,

And yet we withhold this love and acceptance from ourselves.

Connecting to our unconditional self-worth is about developing a loving and supportive relationship with ourselves no matter what is going on in our lives.

One of the biggest things that focusing on our unconditional self-worth instead of our self-esteem allows us to connect to is that it gives us the freedom to be.

When we're caught up in self-esteem,

We are focused on what we are doing because our self-esteem is measured based on our output,

Productivity,

And activity.

This is exhausting.

For years,

I struggled with allowing myself to be.

In fact,

I still struggle with this at times.

I was so in the mode of doing,

Doing to prove my worth,

To keep my self-esteem high,

Doing to achieve,

Doing to make other people like me,

Doing,

Doing,

Doing.

With all of this doing,

I rarely make time for being.

These days,

I like to remind myself and my clients that we are human beings,

Not human doings.

After so many years of trying to keep my self-worth high and attempting to prove my worth through doing,

I have had to work to let myself rest,

Relax,

And be.

When I am able to allow myself to just be,

It feels incredible.

It is in these moments when I feel most present and alive.

It is when I'm being present with my fiance,

My friends,

My family,

That I feel most joy.

When I have the most fun.

It is when I am being with my clients as a human more than doing therapy that our sessions feel most healing and helpful.

It is when I am being present with myself that I feel most worthy.

I'm not suggesting that you stopped doing things because we live in a world and we want to do things.

I'm not suggesting that you just lay on the couch all the time or lay in bed all the time and never get up and never get out and never do anything.

But what I am suggesting is that you shift your focus from the outcome,

From the output,

From the productivity to the process,

To how you be more than what you do.

One of the powerful ways that I give myself space to be and connect to my unconditional self-worth is through meditating.

Now hold on,

Before you roll your eyes and stop listening,

Let me tell you more.

So many people stop meditating or never try because they don't feel good at it and they are approaching meditation from a doing and self-esteem space,

Which is part of the reason it causes so much frustration.

And that's where I started too.

When I began meditating,

I wanted to do it right.

I felt frustrated by my active mind and I didn't like feeling like I wasn't good at something and this caused my self-esteem to take a hit.

But over time,

As I stuck with meditation and learned more about it,

I came to understand that meditating is about creating space to be in the present moment without effort or struggle or striving.

Meditation is not about doing something right or getting rid of all of your thoughts or sitting perfectly still.

Meditation is about being present with ourselves and whatever we are experiencing in the moment without judgment.

So I want to close out this week's episode with a brief mindfulness meditation that will give you a taste of what it's like to meditate and how it feels to allow yourself to connect with your humanity and your unconditional self-worth.

So see if you can put aside the feeling of needing to do it right or judgments about how yourself and how you meditate and see if you can just allow yourself to be,

To listen to my voice,

To connect to your human beingness for a few moments and see how it feels.

So if you're in a space or place where you can get into a comfortable seated position and close your eyes,

Please do that.

If you're up and doing something or driving,

Just listen along and see if you can tune into the meditation that way.

And begin by taking a few slow,

Deep breaths.

Really notice the breath flowing in and out of your lungs.

Just take a moment to notice how your body is feeling right now.

You might notice places of tension or ease,

Discomfort or pain.

Whatever is there is okay.

Just see if you can notice it.

And then notice that your body is supported in this moment by the floor,

By the chair,

By the couch,

By the bed,

Wherever you are.

Just notice how you are supported in this moment.

And then I want you to bring your attention to your breath.

Watching the rise and fall of your belly as you breathe in and out through your nose.

You don't need to do anything to change your breath.

Just see if you can rest your attention there.

Maybe say silently to yourself,

Inhale on the inhale.

And exhale on the exhale.

And as you're doing this,

You may notice that your mind begins to wander.

And that's okay.

It's perfectly normal.

Whenever you notice your mind has wandered,

Just acknowledge the thinking and gently bring your attention back to your breath.

And you can do that as many times as you need to.

Inhale,

Exhale.

If you notice yourself holding any tension in your body,

See if you can breathe into that space and allow yourself to relax.

Whenever you notice your mind wandering,

Just bring it back to your breath,

To this moment without judgment,

Back to your inhale and your exhale.

And as we wrap up this meditation,

I just want you to notice again how your body is feeling in this moment.

Back in with yourself.

How has it felt to give yourself a moment to stop and be?

Notice any sounds that you hear.

Open your eyes and look around.

Reorient yourself to the space that you're in.

So that's it.

It's very simple.

If this appeals to you,

I encourage you to make time to practice meditation,

To give yourself intentional space to be.

Insight Timer is a great free app with thousands of meditations.

I use it every morning and you might find it helpful too if you want to get into meditation.

I hope that this podcast has inspired you to think beyond self-esteem,

To look deeper and to see if you can allow yourself to connect to who you are as a human being and release some of the pressure to do.

Thanks so much for listening and stay tuned for our next episode,

Which will be all about how our unconditional self-worth sets us up for healthy romantic relationships.

So you're going to want to tune in to that one and I'll see you next episode.

Reviews

Dr. Adia, I'm always in "Gotta get stuff done" mode! I take time to meditate but guess I didn't realize what I'm doing to myself or the reason why I stay so busy🤯 Thank you for your wisdom 🙏💜🙏

Engaging, heartwarming, healing. I enjoyed listening. 🙏❤️

Loved it, powerful and inspiring. Explained well the difference between self esteem and self worth. I liked the analogy of the tree and its roots as a solid foundation.