Tears rolling down my face almost as soon as the practice began. My last remaining grandparent suffered a stroke yesterday, unknown how long it had gone on when they found her. At age 97, recovery is uncertain, but two of her sons and my mother (the eldest of the four siblings) are with her or en route, so she is not alone. I am half the country away. As I begin this practice today, I felt my other three grandparents circling around me in a protective loving circle. My paternal grandfather, who passed ten months ago, squeezed me tightly. My maternal grandfather, who passed in 1997, said that although he looked forward to being reunited with his wife, her time was not now. "Not yet. Not today," he kept saying.
At times during this practice, I had to smile. My grandmother, mother, and I are the family historians, and I am working towards professional certification as a Genealogist, while my mother did a degree in history and my grandmother was a one-room schoolhouse teacher in the prairies of the USA midwest. We have traced a portion of my mother's line all the way back to 972 C.E., and I felt my brain fizzle and spurt a bit when you started mentioning brother's brother's sisters and such. I kept trying to bring my mind back but could "hear" both my mother and grandmother say, "It's not a thing, let it go. Concept, sweetie. It's all relative."
I smiled through my tears. I have my parents still, but when my grandmother leaves us, that will be the end of my close contact with relatives of that generation. I don't think there ARE any left, just her. I have traveled to many family funerals over the last few years, more than I like, but I have been honored and privileged to have been able to be there.
I have always been one, like my mother, to be strong and hold things together. My self-care comes later, when I can rest, knowing the necessities have been taken care of and with dignity and respect due. I will take care of others, knowing I will have difficulty caring for myself if I am concerned about them. But I DO take care of myself, now, at least. And having gone through a hospice scare with my grandmother earlier this year, during which time she wrote her own obit with fill-in-the-blanks for dates, drafted her own memorial service, and the whole nine yards so the family wouldn't be left with such decisions and planning to do, I am at peace that when the time comes, all will be ready.
So I too am getting ready. Whether now or days, weeks, months, or even years from now, when Grandma's decided it is time to join Grandpa, I know he will be waiting for her, and I will be as prepared as possible. I am beginning my self-care now, with this practice, and it is good. I do not feel so alone. I spend my days reading archived documents of my ancestors' lives, watching their movements, the growth of the family, the births, deaths, and everything in between, knowing it is from them that I came into being, and their strength is mine.
I cannot thank you enough for gifting us with this practice. I have bookmarked and downloaded it, and I sense it will continue to be a source of comfort and centeredness for me in the days ahead. I found the guidance to take another deep breath/sigh after some spoken guidance (after the initial settling in series) to be particularly helpful. I forget to breathe when I become emotional and I was very emotional at that stage. The direction to breathe was critical and so helpful to permit me to continue moving forward in the practice and not get stuck in the physical tightness of my chest.
I see and feel the light in you. Thank you again for this gift. 🤲❤️🤲
