My client described how being rejected by the person he was casually dating triggered him.
Her rejection triggered in him feelings of anxiety,
Insecurity,
And distress at the thought of being alone,
Not having someone to look to for love,
And a sense of being needed and wanted and valuable.
The dynamics of this particular relationship were highly toxic.
The push-pull behavior that my client described began with his partner rejecting him,
Blocking him on social media,
Not taking his phone calls,
And in some cases,
Even threatening to call the police if he contacted her.
Feeling rejected and pushed away,
My client's insecurities and sense of loss was triggering.
This caused him to feel anxious and needy and to react by chasing,
And the desperation of pulling towards him something he believed would make him feel more secure and loved.
Many of us experience this dance of polarity.
It is driven by our worst fears and the belief that we will not find someone to love us,
And so we in turn look for a quick fix for feeling unloved and undesired,
Even though this perception is furthest from the truth.
The possibility of rejection is in what you make of what happens next.
Of how you stand your ground in the moments of what this means,
And for looking distinctly at the circumstances before you,
With the question,
How is this rejection going to help me?
The truth about rejection is that it isn't meant to be taken personally.
It is many things,
An opportunity to remind yourself of all that makes you unique and different,
Special,
Intelligent,
And it reaffirms your right to stand in the authority of who you are,
Without settling nor compromising your values and beliefs.
Rejection is inevitable.
It happens to everyone.
Think of it as twofold.
If a no that you receive is legitimate,
That is,
If it is not rejection with the intention to be hurtful or mean,
It can be a valuable source of guidance and a redirect for your focus,
And what often becomes a better direction,
Better choices,
A different focus,
And also an evaluation of yourself and what you need in this moment.
I think about not getting a job that you apply for or not receiving a promotion in fairness that you may need to continue to grow and expand your skill set and experiences until you are then ready to step into that new career role or elevated position.
There is the type of rejection that is of a relationship nature.
Someone may choose to no longer be your friend,
Your partner,
Nor in relationship with you.
Again,
If this is for legitimate reasons,
It is both a reflection of what the other person needs and desires that they believe is different than what you may or can provide.
If the feedback is honest and thoughtful,
Then the rejection,
Whatever it is,
Can be an opportunity for you to examine yourself based on this trusted person's feedback.
At times,
The feedback may not be wholly accurate,
However,
You can glean what is useful as you reflect further.
Above all,
Rejection can become a catalyst for making important changes,
Usually those to which were already attuned to,
Perhaps just what you had not yet embraced wholly.
Rejection can be the impetus for growth and redirection towards a better-suited path.
It can provide valuable feedback for self-improvement.
It can test your resilience and help you avoid unfavorable situations that would not be ideal.
Ultimately,
Rejection can be a powerful motivator for aligning with a better-fitting opportunity,
A new,
Beautiful friendship and or love relationship,
And for becoming a stronger,
More confident self.
When I speak with clients at some future point,
After a significant relationship ending,
There is often good insight fueled by honest introspection that the experiences of loss and rejection has brought to light,
And ultimately the awareness of earlier and consistent,
Even ignored,
Signs that the relationship was not ideal,
And at times rather valuable and even toxic.
What is gained going through the experience,
Albeit unpleasant at best,
Serves as the real life-learned growth experience that cultivates maturity,
Greater self-awareness and self-respect,
And certainly a willingness to become better whether as to improve an area of weakness or problem behavior,
Or as a simple measure to become stronger,
More resilient,
More adaptable,
In spite of rejection,
Because rejection is a facet of life.
It occurs among the highest of achievers,
Elite athletes,
Peak performers,
And it will occur for you.
What you choose to do with rejection is what sets you up for success and growth and accomplishment in your future.
On the flip side,
You might also get better at rejecting,
At saying no to what does not serve you,
No to self-deprecating thoughts that cause you to feel less than,
That disempower you and that exacerbates low self-esteem and the problematic core beliefs of unworthiness,
Thinking that you are unlovable and undeserving.
Choose indeed what aligns you with your sacred life,
With the person that you are choosing to be,
And the improvements that we might all seek on a path to feeling greater wholeness and confidence.
Rejecting what doesn't serve you,
And this includes peers and social influences that are not of the same values that you ascribe to,
Is important to shift towards all that you do,
Desire,
And seek.
Remember,
Rejection is not the focus nor the trigger.
The focus is,
What is this situation and experience showing me that I can then better myself?
What can I learn that will be or is productive and meaningful for my growth and transformation,
And where do I need to place my focus?
And as an aside,
This may be helpful if you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD,
That is,
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,
A common neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by persistent patterns of inattention,
Hyperactivity,
And impulsivity that can interfere with daily life.
About 70% of people diagnosed with ADHD experience emotional dysregulation,
That is,
A struggle to manage one's moods and feelings,
And thus,
They have intense reactions to how they process and experience life events.
If you have ADHD,
You may tend to experience more intense emotions,
And that can include deep emotional pain caused by criticism or rejection.
You might also be on constant alert for rejection,
Or think that you're being criticized when you're not.
This intense fear of rejection and criticism has a name.
It is called rejection-sensitive dysphoria,
Or RSD.
Additionally,
Trauma can lead to heightened rejection sensitivity.
Past trauma,
Especially from childhood neglect or criticism,
Can make someone more vulnerable to intense emotional reactions and to perceived rejection,
Often overlapping with symptoms of conditions such as PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder.
This is because trauma dysregulates the nervous system,
Making it harder to manage distress,
Thereby exacerbating fear of abandonment and low self-esteem,
Which fuels rejection sensitivity.
If you believe that you have rejection-sensitive dysphoria,
RSD,
There are important therapeutic strategies to help you regulate your nervous system as you experience whether a real or perceived rejection,
And of course,
Having a different appreciation now for the possibilities of what rejection can mean for you,
Is refreshing.
It means that you can rise above a situation and take the right steps to self-regulate,
Self-soothe,
And care for your needs.
It's also helpful to seek professional help,
Because if your sensitivity to rejection stems from past traumas,
Abuse,
Or a diagnosis of ADHD,
It means that you will be more sensitive,
And that to have better tools and strategies for helping yourself is so very important.
Ultimately,
What helped my client,
And what will help you,
Is to recognize when you feel triggered,
To use self-regulation and cognitive reframing,
That is,
To tell yourself what is true,
Rather than the old narratives that keep you hostage to that push-pull relationship,
To feeling weak because you are relying on something external to yourself for how you want to feel,
And for investing,
Instead,
Positive energy into yourself,
For this is how you feel remarkable.
If you would like my help on your journey to rise above when rejection is in front of you,
Please reach out and let me help.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonorio Juna.
Namaste.
