Leaving A Toxic Relationship: Why We Stay; How To Leave For Good; 4 Strategies To End The Cycle | The WISDOM podcast | S2 E10

NEWLY UPDATED! This podcast is raw and honest as Dorothy discusses how it can be possible to find yourself in an abusive (or toxic) relationship, and the 4 strategies that will enable you to leave. She shares one of her client's real life stories, to emphasize the importance of listening to your inner wisdom for what you know you need to do, even when this may be difficult. Her words act as encouragement for Self-Compassion and Self-Love.

Transcript

The Wisdom Podcast is birthed out of the Wisdom Blog,

A digital healing hub of inspired consciousness,

Sacred wisdom,

And the divine teachings of authentic power,

Living one's truth and spiritual,

Or as we call it,

Unconditional love.

Many of the topics that we cover arise out of my work with clients who have chosen to live their life from a place of self-honesty and truth,

And in doing so,

They quite naturally began the journey inward,

Recognizing their authentic self and their capacity for being love and choosing to live as this in all moments.

This is what makes it possible to experience authentic happiness easily.

Each episode offers divinely inspired teachings and insight that will show you how to live consciously aware,

To access your inner wisdom,

And to help you make the best choices towards living a limitless potential.

Join me for consciously inspired truth,

Divine wisdom,

And new thought paradigms for living an infinitely abundant and love-filled life here and now.

There are many forms of abuse.

Abuse is,

By definition,

The mistreatment of another,

Whether intentional or as a facet of one's consistent actions that one may not be self-aware of.

In this episode,

I want to remind you of the power that you hold to choose for yourself the right and best relationship,

And how you can stay clear of relationships that are damaging and abusive.

I also want to highlight how abuse in the traditional variant forms that we categorize as physical,

Emotional,

And psychological all originate with one's thoughts and beliefs.

That is,

What one tells oneself and justifies in being discriminating,

Hurtful,

And disrespectful towards another,

And how one's misguided intentions can lead into a situation and a relationship that is both damaging and abusive.

I also wish to illustrate how living with abuse perpetuates a cycle of dependency and the eradicating of one's self-worth and sense of self.

And I will share the story of my client Beth and the four strategies to prevent you from finding yourself in an abusive relationship and what will enable you to leave.

We know that relationships that are unhealthy and abusive are also complex and complicated.

We stay in these relationships for different reasons,

Whether because we have convinced ourselves that there is something of benefit to us in staying,

Or we anticipate the enormous effort it will take to execute our decision to leave.

We stay because we tell ourselves that the relationship is really not that bad,

That maybe we deserve how we are being mistreated.

And in some cases,

We may tell ourselves,

We don't care.

For whatever the reasons,

You may have found yourself with an abusive partner.

Know that by continuing to remain in the relationship,

You continue to sacrifice yourself emotionally,

Spiritually,

Physically,

And cognitively or mentally.

And if you are listening to this episode because something deep within you is yearning for help,

Guidance,

And perhaps validation of what you know but have been afraid to believe,

I hope that in listening,

You will allow your inner voice to become louder,

To rely on it for what you know is true,

And to be willing to care for yourself first with the knowledge that you are not alone.

That you will get through this,

That you will feel better,

Happier,

And stronger,

And that if and when you choose it,

You can and will find the right partner and the love that you truly want.

This is important to acknowledge because we at times enter into relationships while not being authentic and true to our highest morals and values.

We can let our ego get in the way of what we know is important to us because we are so thrilled that the person we are so into finds us attractive also.

In this example,

If we choose a partner that requires that we sacrifice our integrity and a part of our self,

This means that we are not choosing someone based on the highest possible compatibility.

In the example of my client that I am about to share,

I want to highlight how we can find our self in a relationship that is controlling,

Dishonest,

Manipulative,

And also abusive,

How we make it possible to stay,

And how it must be a choice to challenge what thoughts and beliefs we have convinced our self of in order for us to realize what is true so that we may feel confident in our decision to leave.

You can convince yourself of anything,

That things will improve,

That you will disappoint a lot of people if you end the relationship or call off the wedding,

Or that you as a couple are just going through a rough spot.

When we choose a partner or a relationship to serve a particular need and not out of the desire to be in a loving relationship,

You are not choosing with your heart,

But rather you are choosing the other person because that person looks good on paper,

Because you just want a physical sexual relationship and nothing more,

Because the person can give you things and take care of you,

Or because you believe that you won't find someone better.

All of these are flawed premises for how you choose a partner and a love relationship,

And the reasons for why your self-worth diminishes.

It's important that we take responsibility for our choices and for the reasons that we're choosing a partner.

So it's important to ask yourself,

Did I choose someone out of a genuine desire to have compatibility,

Love,

Mutual respect,

Kindness,

And to share my life in the most honest and incredible way?

That needs to be your guiding voice.

And just as you chose to be in this relationship,

You may also always choose to end and leave it.

I also want to open a candid discussion here of the reasons for why some people remain in relationships that are distinctly abusive.

As you hear the story of my client Beth,

And as you may reflect on a relationship in your life or in the life of someone that you know,

Consider how staying or returning to the relationship and a person that mistreats you can become a radical wake-up call to how you are treating yourself.

And what you have made acceptable even when you know that this is not what you truly want.

The sad and yet truthful reality about remaining in a relationship where there is abusive behavior and a lack of true and unconditional love is that we have chosen to accept this mistreatment and to allow it to continue.

Ultimately,

You allow mistreatment if you are not willing to stop it,

Through your words and actions of enforcing what is acceptable,

And to walk away if the other person continues in that behavior,

And above all else,

To know that you are worthy of being treated well.

The sad and yet truthful reality about remaining in a relationship where there is abusive behavior and a lack of true and unconditional love is that you have chosen to allow yourself to accept this mistreatment.

Ultimately,

You allow mistreatment if you are not willing to stop it,

Through your words and actions,

And of enforcing what is acceptable,

And to walk away if the other person continues in the behavior.

And above all else,

To know that you are worthy of being treated well,

With kindness,

Consideration,

Respect and love.

If you are suffering in an abusive relationship,

It is in part because your self-worth and the feelings and thoughts that you hold about yourself needs to change.

Your self-worth,

Self-esteem,

And the fearful thoughts that you have convinced yourself of needs a rebirth.

You need to believe first in yourself that you will be okay on your own,

That you deserve better,

That you are strong enough to walk away,

And that you and each one of us deserves to have a healthy and loving relationship.

One of the things that you can do right now is acknowledge how you have made it possible to stay,

And to be willing to examine how you got here so that you can choose different.

To acknowledge what has made it possible for you to stay,

Ask yourself,

What keeps me here?

What keeps me in this relationship?

Be wholly honest as you write your answers.

See your words in front of you as your truth.

How you have allowed this,

Even though it is not what you truly want.

Next,

Be willing to ask yourself,

What is the absolute truth about why I need to move forward to end this relationship?

Again,

Write your answers so you may see in front of you the truth,

And that you may make it real by having the words in physical form.

To be honest about your reasons for staying helps you to recognize what you have been telling yourself that is not entirely accurate nor true.

You also remind yourself in the second question of what is true.

Being truthful will always give you the right answers and the path that you need to take,

Even when you may be unwilling to do so.

Let's jump now into the client story of Beth as highlighting her experiences and choices may be helpful for you as you come to decide what you will do.

I will also share the four strategies that will help you to leave an abusive relationship,

And to also ensure that you never allow yourself to enter into a relationship with someone who will mistreat you.

My client Beth is intelligent,

Beautiful,

And caring.

She has an excellent career that she enjoys and excels in what she does.

She has been divorced for almost 10 years and is a single mom to her two sons approaching adolescence.

Beth has supportive parents,

Siblings,

And friends who are always willing to help her in any way they can.

Her children's father lives in another city with his new wife and child,

And Beth's sons visit their father regularly.

Looking from the outside in,

It would seem as though Beth has everything going for her,

And she does.

But there is one element that haunts Beth from her past,

And that has affected every love relationship that she has ever been in.

Beth grew up being the recipient of emotional and physical abuse.

It was something that was so naturally ingrained into her life that,

Like for most children,

It was overlooked and not ever identified or labeled as abuse.

In sharing Beth's story,

I want to highlight for you how it becomes possible to allow others to mistreat us,

How we allow abuse to become normative as we internalize our feelings of hurt and inadequacy.

This perpetuates a lack of confidence in our ability to no longer make excuses for this.

Fundamentally,

We allow abuse to continue because we justify the other person's behaviors,

Making excuses for how we are treated so the abuse becomes acceptable in our mind.

In an effort to diminish or ignore what is really happening,

We might also choose not to speak to others,

Or to not be wholly truthful about what we might have already come to experience as normative.

We also downplay or diminish the comments and reactions of others when they happen to hear or see that we are being mistreated.

We downplay or justify this poor treatment of ourselves in part because we know that the reaction of our loved ones would be strong,

And they may indeed discourage us from staying in the relationship.

For many people who are with an abusive partner and who continue to remain in the relationship,

Do so because one of their primary coping strategies is to live in the past.

They remind themselves of how good their partner and their relationship was initially,

And they continue to convince themselves that this isn't really how my partner usually is,

And they can be so kind and loving,

I've seen it.

Of course,

This is hopeful and wishful thinking,

And not their present moment reality.

An important factor in influencing how we might find ourselves in an abusive love relationship is what we have already experienced and become accustomed to in our family of origin.

Beth grew up with a mother who was overbearing and controlling,

Making all of her decisions and being overly critical,

Demanding in fact that Beth be perfect.

In her grades,

In how she looked,

And in everything that she did.

And then her mother would be harsh and over critical when Beth didn't always live up to these unrealistic standards.

In therapy,

Beth talked about how difficult it was for her to make decisions for herself once she left home for college,

And how she continually struggled to figure out what she wanted,

Since the voice of her mother telling her what she should do would continue to echo in her mind.

This wasn't the only behavior that Beth grew up experiencing as normative.

Beth's mother would frequently berate and mistreat her father,

Subjecting him to harsh criticism and bullying.

We can know on a cognitive level that it is wrong for someone to be abusive,

And yet find ourselves as a recipient of abuse,

And to make excuses for this.

There are a multitude of reasons why you may need to end a toxic and abusive relationship,

And yet any or all of the reasons may still not help you to do so.

Of the many clients of both genders that I have worked with,

Who suffered extensively in horribly abusive relationships,

The one important aspect that they all share that enabled them to continue in the relationship is that all gave up their personal power by the many different ways that they normalized the abusive behavior.

You live what you are taught until you choose to change this.

Abusive behavior takes many forms.

It could be a sibling who yells excessively,

Shouting profanities,

Or who physically attacks you.

It could be a parent who easily loses their temper and lashes out,

Berating aspects of your character,

Poking fun at your physical traits,

Or diminishing your abilities.

It may be in giving the silent treatment indefinitely,

Or the continued favoring of one child over another,

As this is emotional abuse and damaging to self-esteem and self-worth.

It is unnecessary and abusive to lash out and hit your child,

Even if it is intended as corrective punishment.

Not all of the ways that we may be mistreated are intentional.

As a human race,

We all continue in patterns that have been taught to us until we critically examine these learned behaviors with different eyes,

And as we break the cycle by choosing to no longer accept this mistreatment with firm and clear boundaries.

This isn't always easy,

But it is up to you to identify when a relationship does not feel safe or comfortable,

Or if you are treated as though you are undeserving of care and love.

In relationships where abusive behavior is quietly unobtrusive yet prevalent,

It can take longer to discern that this is not love,

And that to be mistreated is unacceptable.

You can recognize when a parent or another caregiver is mistreating you,

But then find yourself returning to the abusive setting,

Receiving the same behavior even after you have stood up for yourself.

Patterns of abuse are just that.

They reoccur until one person chooses to no longer allow the cycle to continue.

What is difficult is that abuse often exists under the pretext of love,

Which makes it highly confusing.

The relationship,

Already established and built upon a need or dependency on another,

Makes it highly difficult at times to leave.

For example,

When a child is being abused,

And yet that child is dependent upon their parent to care for them and keep them safe.

The lines,

Deeply blurred,

Teach a child that love can come with abuse,

And that this is somehow acceptable.

As an adult,

To change the pattern of abuse,

You first need to recognize what is abuse and mistreatment,

And to name them as so.

It then requires a retraining,

A reprogramming of what you have allowed yourself to accept,

And to examine what beliefs you hold that have allowed this behavior to perpetuate under the guise of normalcy.

You empower yourself to stop the cycle by taking control of what you will do,

Understanding that the other person may or may not be willing to change.

And two further notes.

First,

Remember that when you give up your power,

You give up your freedom and your ability to choose what is right and best for you.

If you are consistently not treated with kindness,

Unconditional love,

Respect,

Value and worth,

Ask yourself,

Have I given my power over to this person in exchange for love?

And what likely is conditional love?

Love that is quickly revoked if you are not obedient to what is expected or demanded of you?

And second,

You don't need to experience emotional or physical abuse in childhood to find yourself in an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately,

None of us are wholly exempt from hurtful words,

Criticism,

Outbursts of anger and manipulative behavior.

Abuse doesn't need to be consistent to be damaging.

What does help is for you to acknowledge behavior that is unacceptable and to say so.

If it persists,

Then there is a problem.

In a love relationship,

You need to examine true love as all-encompassing and unconditional.

If someone loves you,

Then you will be treated with fairness and equality and with the utmost respect.

If you are not treated this way,

And if you continue to hope that things could be different,

Then are you really in a relationship that offers you love?

In a world where so many people are admittedly unhappy in their love relationship,

Should you continue in your relationship in an effort to make the best of your situation?

Do you ever tell yourself that your life will somehow be worse without this person?

Is there a certain draw or upside to being in this relationship that you don't want to give up?

These are some examples of what we tell ourselves that cause us to hold ourselves hostage in an abusive or in any relationship that no longer or perhaps never did honor and care for who we are.

How does someone find themselves in an abusive relationship,

And how do they finally leave?

We make it possible to stay in abusive relationships because we don't want to admit the truth to ourselves.

We find ourselves in abusive relationships because we were willing to ignore the signs,

The behaviors that were revealed to us after perhaps we began to form an attachment or bond and to put trust in another person.

Most clients I speak to seem a little surprised at first when I use the word abuse to describe what they are telling me.

Some,

Perhaps many,

Feel relief since what they have been thinking and feeling for some time has been validated.

Abusive behavior is cyclical.

It begins gradually.

It is often accompanied by apologies and unkept promises of change and that the abusive behavior will stop.

By the time our self-esteem and worth have been further compromised or damaged,

We have already made this relationship important.

We have invested ourselves in the relationship,

Even though we know that how we are being treated is wrong.

Most clients are quite startled when they,

Because of my request of them,

Begin their own Google search on the word abuse and see for themselves the definitive examples which often depict quite accurately what they are living.

We also make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship if we convince ourselves that things aren't really that bad,

Even when we are humiliated and berated,

Perhaps embarrassed or overwhelmed that we rely on this relationship or have made ourselves dependent upon it.

We stay because we tell ourselves that maybe it will get better,

Maybe they will change,

Maybe our partner will get help,

Or maybe they are actually right and we deserve how we are being treated.

These are all words that have been spoken directly from my clients.

The list of maybes that build in our mind is ceaseless until we have once again talked ourselves out of ending the relationship.

Instead,

We continue to hold the fleeting hope that maybe things will magically improve.

Something that you need to know,

You give up your power by avoiding or denying the truth.

This is for anything in your life.

This means that you have rejected your ability to act on factual information.

And with that,

The freedom that comes from living authentic each time that you make excuses for and are willing to accept being mistreated.

If you allow someone to repeatedly point blame unto you,

By doing so,

Absolve themselves from taking responsibility for their actions.

If you are repeatedly told by this person that you have done something wrong or that you are less than worthy of being treated with kindness and love,

Then you need to ask yourself,

How is this person accepting me for who I am?

And what will be the long-term effect of this treatment on my self-esteem and self-worth?

Self-worth is the value and worth that you hold of yourself.

If you have high self-worth,

Self-esteem,

And confidence,

You will not allow someone to mistreat you.

If you have been exposed to abuse as part of your upbringing,

As it was with Beth,

You may be more likely to make excuses for the behavior that is abusive.

If you allow another person whom you have put trust in to determine whether what you are doing or who you are is good enough,

Then you are giving away your power in hopes that someone else will give you the love and validation that you are in search of,

And of which allows you to feel good about yourself,

Rather than believing in your value and worth,

And feeling good enough on your own merit,

And because you know this to be true.

If you continue to allow someone to be abusive in their treatment of you,

Then you have given away your personal power.

It isn't until you reclaim your power and your life that you will have the strength to leave and to end the abuse.

Now let's hear more about Beth.

In a love relationship,

Inappropriate or abusive behavior typically occurs and escalates only after the initial courtship,

And once an emotional attachment is developed.

In Jack's case,

He gained Beth's trust and loyalty by being able to financially take care of her and her sons.

She recalls that this felt surreal and like a dream come true to be lavishly treated to exotic vacations,

Romantic dinners,

And shopping sprees,

Since Jack was extremely wealthy.

By her reports,

Jack was also on his best behavior at the outset,

Even though Beth admits to noticing aspects of Jack's character that initially troubled her.

Since the relationship was new and there were many upsides to being with Jack,

Beth ignored her nagging intuition.

Some of what Jack had told Beth about his failed marriage and his previous relationships were red flags and became important foreshadowing of what was to come.

Beth confessed to me that she chose to continue on in the relationship even though she was aware of the troubling examples of how Jack had mistreated other women that he dated and how he had admittedly been deceptive,

Disrespectful,

And unfaithful.

When we want a relationship so badly,

And if we desperately want someone to love us,

We decide to keep the relationship going,

Even if we already know that this relationship and the person's behavior is not good for us.

Paths like so many have bought into the cultural and societal influences that tell us we need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole and complete.

And of course,

Society continues to drive a bias that supports being in a relationship over being single.

You will always know when you are in a relationship that is not right for you.

If in the beginning you do not immediately see this,

Eventually the other person's true character will reveal itself.

Remember that before you make important decisions such as moving in together,

Getting married,

Or having children,

You must feel confident that this is the best possible person you could choose for who you are.

You will always know when your partner is not the best choice for you.

Like Beth and many others,

We talk ourselves out of leaving,

Out of ending a relationship that is unhealthy and in some cases,

Abusive and toxic.

As we continue,

I am also going to include here the best strategies to help you leave and also keep you out of an abusive relationship.

The first strategy is to use self-honesty to help you acknowledge what is true about what you have been allowing and accepting up to now,

And to embrace self-forgiveness,

To move through any guilt,

Anger,

Or fear that may have kept you from making the right decision before now.

We all have this amazing gift called our inner voice.

Some would say that our inner voice is our soul consciousness,

Our highest self in communication with us,

Ever present and always guiding us to live our highest potential.

When we ignore or deny our inner knowing,

It always makes for a less than ideal situation.

As she reflected,

Beth admits that her inner voice was screaming at her and often to leave the relationship,

But she instead chose to rationalize her experiences and talk herself out of doing what she knew was right.

Beth found ways to justify Jack's egocentric behavior and the aspects of his personality that she did not like,

Making excuses to herself that allowed her to continue in the relationship.

For Beth,

The whirlwind of being wooed was fun and exciting,

And it certainly made her feel special,

At least until more of Jack's true personality revealed itself.

When Beth later began to see Jack as self-serving,

Demanding,

And controlling,

She admits lying to herself and rationalizing the abuse and the many lies that she would catch Jack in by diminishing and downplaying their significance.

It may be helpful to also mention that in Beth's marriage,

Her husband cheated on her on more than one occasion.

Beth continued to stay in that relationship,

Even becoming pregnant with her second child,

Whilst telling herself that this pregnancy would somehow help improve the relationship.

It didn't,

And in fact,

Her husband ended up having a child with the person he was cheating with.

We allow ourselves to tolerate what is not good for us and what we know we do not want if we are willing to accept less than what we deserve.

The second strategy to help prevent you from entering into an abusive relationship,

Know your absolute rules and boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not okay.

What are you willing to tolerate and what are your deal-breakers?

What are you absolutely not willing to negotiate?

What would be a good enough reason for you to end a relationship?

When they first began dating,

Beth told Jack that she did not want to date a smoker,

Nor someone who used recreational drugs.

Jack smoked.

He told Beth that he was planning to quit.

At that time,

Beth had no reason not to believe him and continued to date Jack.

Yet it was two years later before Jack made the decision to quit smoking.

Six months after quitting,

He took up smoking again when on vacation with her,

Much to Beth's dislike.

Beth also discovered that Jack had been secretly using cocaine when they had first met,

And for almost a year thereafter,

And the true extent of Jack's alcohol dependency revealed itself months into the relationship.

Should you make accommodations and give into your relationship rules and the boundaries that you have in place,

What will you compromise in your relationship and what values are you not willing to give into?

How do you know when someone is manipulating the situation to have what they want and when they are genuinely trying to make a desired change?

It's when you compromise your deal-breakers,

Which you absolutely need and want of a relationship and a partner,

That you find yourself regretful and perhaps resentful.

It remains only you that can change this.

When it feels as though your morals and values have been compromised,

It's because they have.

You have two choices if this happens.

You can continue to give in and compromise your personal beliefs and what you know is right for you,

And this will likely cause you to feel unhappy and disconnected from your authentic self,

Your self-worth eroding.

Or you can be firm with your boundaries and assert your needs and what you believe in.

This may mean making a decision to not continue to date or be in a relationship with someone who seems at the outset very appealing.

To no longer be with a person who does not value what you value,

Who is deceptive and untrustworthy,

And who consistently behaves inappropriately.

As Beth learned from our fateful conversation during a session,

Jack didn't actually love her.

He loved what his money could buy and how he could control their relationship by demanding what he wanted and bulldozing his way to get it.

If you begin to lose yourself in your relationship,

If you begin to make choices that compromise what you believe in and what you stand for,

Then you are not in a relationship with someone who values who you are.

And you are not valuing yourself either.

You cannot truly be loved by another person if they do not accept you as you are,

Or if they continue to press you to change what is important to you in order to allow them to have their way.

If you allow yourself to compromise what is important to you and what you stand for,

Then you are not valuing yourself to be what you are indeed worthy of.

A love relationship will require some compromise.

What I have seen from working with thousands of couples is that the relationships which are the healthiest,

That have the deepest and most loving emotional bond and connection are those in which both members of the couple maintain respectful and loving communication,

Despite disagreement and even conflict.

These are also the couples who have clear and distinct boundaries,

Openly stated and respectfully upheld with each other.

You will not agree with everything that your partner says and does,

But the idea behind free will choice is so that you can choose a partner that is best suited for who you are,

That is one that has outstanding values,

Beliefs and morals similar to your own.

A betrayal of trust of one's personal character,

That is how you present yourself and what you profess to be true about who you are,

Is perhaps the most damaging betrayal of all.

In an authentic love relationship,

You will never need nor be required to give up who you are.

It does matter that you represent yourself honestly so that you can begin a relationship feeling confident that who you are is what the other person is learning about.

A great self-help exercise that I recommend everyone do before stepping back into the dating world if they are newly single is to identify your rules and boundaries for being in a relationship.

Maybe you have less tolerance because of your recent experiences.

Maybe you are more clear now as to what is imperative in your relationship going forward and for what you will not negotiate.

What happened in Beth's life can happen if we make allowances that compromise our sense of self.

Our sense of self is knowing who we are and what we stand for.

Know with the utmost clarity what your boundaries are and know that you have them for an important reason.

If someone you begin to like doesn't respect or honor your needs or your right to have boundaries in place,

And if they do not respectfully abide by these boundaries,

Then that person is not for you.

The third strategy to ensure that you never step into an abusive relationship,

Interview the other person thoroughly.

How long does it take before you can confidently say that you know someone extremely well?

It's often those first few dates with someone that reveals so much.

Be willing to ask all of the questions that you want to know about someone right away and pay attention to all of the non-spoken cues that speak volumes about a person's character and the personality traits that begin to reveal themselves.

If red flags appear and they often do early in knowing someone,

You can decide if these are aspects of the other person that are deal-breakers for you.

This allows you to gently step away before a relationship begins or before it becomes serious.

The longer you stay,

The more difficult it is to step away,

Especially if you have established an emotional connection with the other person.

Remember that to talk yourself out of your gut instinct,

Of what you know,

Or to rationalize someone's mistreatment of you,

Is not ever how you want to begin a new relationship.

And to the surprise of many of my clients,

I will often share with them that likely it takes about two years,

Of which at least one of those years is living with that person to truly know someone.

That seems like a long time,

But if you think about getting to know someone over time and then living with them,

It takes a significant amount of time to really know a person in all situations and circumstances under duress as well as in the good times.

And during this time,

A relationship should always continue to add to the quality of your life.

And the fourth strategy,

Something that will help you choose the right partner and a loving and healthy relationship,

Is to know exactly what you want and to not settle for less than this.

I often ask my clients to write a list of what denotes their ideal partner.

Doing so will help you to become clear about what you want,

Including your most important must-haves for a relationship.

In the earliest stages of dating someone,

And long before you begin to develop romantic feelings and an attachment,

This Ideal Mate Checklist will identify whether someone indeed has the character traits and values that you are looking for.

You're on the right track with the new prospect that you've been dating when the person that you are seeing continues to wow you with the criteria that you have noted on your list of ideals.

Be willing to keep asking questions and to observe carefully since actions do speak louder than words.

If what you are hearing and being told seems overzealous or too good to be true,

It often is.

You want the person to show you who they are,

But you must also be willing to walk away if they are not truly right for you.

Please listen to your instincts and honor your rules and boundaries for what is and is not ideal based on what you need.

Always consider how you are being treated by someone and whether you would allow this treatment if it was directed towards a child.

Having this context is helpful when you may err on the side of being too lenient with or forgiving of how someone is treating you.

This is all to help you choose wisely before you step into a new relationship.

By asking the questions that are important to you and observing the other person's actions and not just hearing what they tell you and in paying close attention to how they treat you and others in their life,

You will learn and know much about whether this person is someone who is truly respectful of you,

Your boundaries and what you value and uphold as important.

I think we can agree that it is a much better plan to be clear about what you want for a relationship and a partner and to do the most thorough interviewing and assessing before you make a commitment to be in a relationship with someone.

And if you,

Like Beth,

Suspect that you've been duped into believing that someone is claiming to be what they are not,

This is your impetus to leave.

Life is too precious to be treated unkindly and with disrespect.

This is your wake-up call to begin giving to yourself what it is that you have been looking for in a relationship.

I will leave in the episode notes resources for you to begin this inner work and self-love.

Thank you so much for listening and I truly hope this has helped you so much.

If you know someone who is in a relationship that is abusive,

Please share this with them.

And an afterword,

The name of my client and others have been changed to maintain confidentiality.

Additional details or circumstances may also have been altered in order to ensure their utmost privacy.

And one final note,

If you would like my help,

Please reach out to me.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of the Wisdom Podcast.

To hear more,

Please check out the other episodes here.

And then join me at DorothyRetusne.

Com where you can share your questions and feedback from this or any episode with me.

And where you'll also find the Wisdom Blog,

The inspiration for this podcast,

The latest online courses that I teach,

My YouTube videos,

An extensive library of free guided meditations for you to experience and enjoy,

Plus other special offerings of love.

Please also visit me on social media and say hello.

Allow yourself to go within,

To access your inner wisdom and to live this.

Awaken your authentic power,

Live your truth,

And be loved.

This is Dorothy.

Namaste.

Reviews

Thankyou. I needed to hear these words. Now it's up to me.

Namaste 🙏

Omw...my intuition has been screaming at me for years. I am done. My biggest reason for not leaving earlier is financial. It still is, but in the meantime the clock of my life is ticking and the arguments are happening more and more. I don't know how I'm going to make this work for me so that I have a roof over my head and am safe, but I really need to do something now.

This was so so incredibly helpful. Thank you. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Thank you it was very inspiring, and gave me food for thought, as my marriage of 45 years has become verbally abusive on both sides, if I get put down I retaliate by sticking up for myself, and have walked out to clear my head, and returned as I don't know where to go other than a hotel, and if asked me to go back, although In the past my sister said that I could stay with her. At present we are getting on better.

Wow! Helpful steps. Luckily I'm no longer in a romantic relationship with the cheating lying narcissist, but unfortunately I still work for him. It's been 15 months since the breakup. It's still difficult. I need to listen to more of your material.

Thank you so much for your loving and supportive words. This has been exactly what I needed to hear right now. Blessing 🙏

Just the words and wisdom I needed to hear
Thank you 🙏

Great review of my past experiences! I am free now!

Wealth of information listening to this podcast. Thank you for sharing your knowledge 💯

I wish I could of had this tiny bit of info 20 years ago. 🙏

❤️

My wife abuses me mentally, verbally and emotionally. I’m dying more and more each day.

This mess really helpful and timely. Dorthy’s soothing voice was lovely.

Helpful perspective on how we end up in and can depart abusive relationships

Great advice. Listening to this podcast was like attending a powerful therapy session. Thank you.

This was awesome! Thank you so much for this. It’s so important for people to listen to this.

Thank you. So very thoughtfully and professionally presented.

The best meditation I have found on Insight Timer. Dorothy spoke to my situation with ease & intuition, providing me insight & guidelines to help me move forward and away from an emotionally abusive relationship. Thank you, Dorothy

Thank you Dorothy, being in a relationship that you know isn’t right is difficult in so many ways, especially when your values, opinions, likes, hobbies, tv programmes and at times controlling behaviours get in the way. Exhausting it is to keep a sense of self and to continually challenge those words or thoughts .. now at the stage where something has to give, and looking at taking the steps to do something positive, this pod cast has resonated with me and has given me strength to look at myself and appreciate me for me and start to address the problem at hand, 🙏❤️

Amazing inside on how relationships are ought to be. Just left my abusive partner and it was reassuring to hear that I was right in following my instinct.