Talk: Approaches To The Metta Bhavana

A short practical overview of common misunderstandings with the Metta Bhavana and ways to engage with the practice more effectively.

Transcript

Good.

So good evening and welcome.

Normally we call these guest weeks,

But in a way what they are is they're weeks when we do something a bit different or it's a break from the normal routine.

As you know we have these runs of course,

It's all the time.

So it's just good to have a breathe and a pause and do something different.

So what we're going to do tonight is we're going to go into the metabavna.

So the metabavna,

The cultivation of love and kindness.

Personally I believe that this is one of the most substantially transformative things that any human being can do.

I'm utterly convinced of the almost limitless potential for it to transform our lives.

Almost limitless potential to transform our lives.

I'm sure you've experienced that to some extent in your own lives.

Sometimes I've heard amazing stories about the differences made.

Kind of the shifts that can happen in perspective.

That said,

There's also the reality that not everyone finds it easy.

People can easily end up defaulting to doing mindfulness or breathing or some kind of more open body based meditation.

Because that's easier.

I think that's totally understandable.

I spent quite a long time doing that.

In a way I feel that was a missed opportunity for me personally.

Because actually I think there's a lot of gold here.

So in some ways what I want to do is what I'm going to do just to start off with.

I'm just going to quickly run you through this little idea of what the metabavna is about,

What we're looking at.

Then we'll do it and then the second half we'll have something more interactive.

Because in some ways the key point with the metabavna is that you need to find your way in.

More so than the mindfulness of breathing.

Frankly,

The mindfulness of breathing is simpler.

Breathe,

Be aware of being alive,

Be aware of the breath flowing,

The experience of breath in your body.

That is a fairly straightforward thing to do.

The metabavna kind of,

I was going to say,

Requires or demands more of us.

We have to,

It's not just,

For some people they love it straight away and they think it's perfect forever.

But for most,

For many of us,

We have to kind of do something to get it to find our way in.

And in a way,

So the purpose of this evening is to help find our ways in.

And if you're sitting here thinking,

I love the metabavna,

I kind of live it and breathe it.

Well there's two things you can think.

One of them is,

Well what a wonderful opportunity for you to share some of that love with other people.

And if you're really into the metabavna then you'll be happy to do that.

And secondly,

Well we always,

You know,

Life is changing,

We are changing.

What works one day,

Sometimes that shifts,

Sometimes new perspectives come in.

So there's always more.

But let's just start off with,

This is my little Dhamma Shailen's four things.

I've just written it up to help you,

Don't worry if you can't read it very clearly,

I'm going to tell you what it is and we'll get on with it.

So in some ways I've got three nots and then an is.

So the metabavna is not this and it's not that and it's not the other but it is this.

Some of you have heard this before but it's like it's a year since I last did it and I think it's worth hearing again.

Most of you won't hear.

So the metabavna,

The cultivation of love and kindness,

The cultivation of a response to the world.

So what is it not?

It's not in your head.

So in some ways,

And all of these things,

It's not that you're bad or you're wrong,

It's just it's hard isn't it?

So often for the first reason why people find the metabavna difficult is because they're sort of,

They're in their heads trying to think about people and if you're like that then you just get distracted and you think about something else.

I would say predominantly.

So you just find it dissatisfying,

You're like oh this is doing my head in,

I'm just having all these thoughts,

I'm going to go back and be aware of my breath because it's easier and more satisfying.

So if that's what's happening to you,

That's human,

That's understandable and you can do something about that because that's not what the point of the practice is.

It's not about thinking about people in our heads.

Because I believe fundamentally that doesn't work because it just means that we get lost in more proliferative form.

It's not just a feeling.

So again,

And maybe you haven't heard this,

But I would argue that the number one reason people find the metabavna difficult is because they think they're meant to be having a feeling,

Which they're not,

And then they feel bad about not having the feeling that they're not having,

And then they think it's a waste of time and then they stop doing it.

So the metabavna is not about feeling love.

It simply is not.

I stand with Eric Fromm on this,

Well the Buddha,

I stand with the Buddha and Eric Fromm.

Eric Fromm has got this little very simple phrase,

Love is a doing word.

And I believe there's a lot in truth in that.

Love is not a feeling.

In the first place,

Love is a response to the world.

That response to the world of course can give rise to a feeling and it can be a very pleasant and very lovely feeling.

And if we're having that feeling,

That's all well and good.

But the point is,

It's not,

The metabavna is not about having a feeling.

And the reason for that of course is because we do not have control of our feelings.

We all know this don't we?

We don't have a choice about how we feel.

The process of our experience of being alive is more complex than that.

I can't sit here and I can't say I want to feel sad now and kind of like press a button in my mind and start crying.

We just don't have access to that.

I can't press another button in my mind to say I want to feel ecstatically joyful and connected to all of you.

I don't have that choice.

The choice I do have is how my behaviour sets up the conditions which give rise to the emotions which I experience.

So I can't say I want to feel sad now.

I can choose to go and put on the CD,

Turn on my MP3 player and listen to Radiohead or whatever it is that you listen to which makes you feel sad.

Personally I really don't like Radiohead but that's neither here nor there I know.

You see the distinction.

They don't speak very well.

Well that's not why I don't like them.

I just don't like the music frankly.

Let's save that one for the tea break.

I've lost a few friends there haven't I?

I don't dislike them.

It's not that I think they're bad people.

I just don't enjoy the music.

It's like making a joke but for some of you it's like yeah yeah but for some of you it's like oh right.

It's not about having a feeling.

In a way I can't emphasise how important that is because in a sense this is the central point of Buddhism.

The central point of Buddhism is what we've got a choice about is what happens next.

We don't have a choice about our feelings.

Feelings is what's happened to us.

They've got what we're going to do next.

That is the whole point of Buddhism.

The whole point of meditation.

So in a way this point goes to the core of Buddhism which is why it's so important that we get it.

Thirdly,

It's important to say if you do have a good feeling when you're doing the Mettabhava then that's fine.

That's fantastic.

Obviously it's nice to feel love.

I'm not saying don't feel love.

But that isn't the purpose.

That's not what you're trying to do in the meditation.

In the meditation you're trying to,

Well we'll come to that in the fourth point.

What in the meditation we're trying to create a tendency of mind.

If a feeling arises then that's nice.

That's to be appreciated and enjoyed.

Thirdly,

It's not seeing people.

So that's another thing I think again just experiencing and talking to people for the last 15 years.

It's like how people think.

We easily think that we're meant to be having kind of like 4K visual representations of human beings in front of our minds.

And if we're not doing that we're somehow getting it wrong.

It's not like that.

The Mettabhava isn't about seeing people.

Again some of us,

Some of you will have active visual imaginations.

Yeah fine,

Good,

Use that.

So I'm not saying that that's bad but I'm saying if you haven't got that then don't feel bad about it.

So several of my kind of teachers,

My very close friends are kind of gifted visual artists.

And they're clear.

They're like I can close my eyes and I can see whatever I want.

Kind of photo realistic.

They're very clear.

That is not a spiritual quality.

That isn't as a result of their dedication to meditation or transforming their minds.

It's a useful skill they've developed in their artistic careers.

I'm no way disparaging that.

And yet for many of us,

Myself included,

If I think that's what's meant to be happening then I just feel rubbish about myself because I can't do it.

So that's the point.

If you can see people,

Great,

Use it.

If you can't see people then you're not getting it wrong.

So what is it?

It's not about thinking thoughts.

It's not about having feelings.

It's not about seeing things in your mind.

So what is it?

What are we doing at the mettabavna?

What we're doing is we're cultivating an intention and a response.

We're cultivating a tendency of our minds.

And if you had to,

And in some ways,

And this is,

So in a way this is the whole point of the mettabavna.

How do you contact that tendency of mind?

How do you kind of find that tendency in your mind?

You could say it's like,

I often think about it,

It's a bit like in a certain sense meditation is like an experiment isn't it?

It's a controlled experiment.

So you all go through life having warm responses to human beings.

You all go through life at least sometimes caring about other people,

Feeling love,

Feeling openness,

Feeling generosity,

Empathy,

All of these kind of positive responses to the world.

So we all go through life having these responses.

What we're doing in the mettabavna is we're doing this sort of this psychic experiment to work out,

Okay so when is it that that response arises in me and how can I contact that and strengthen it so that when as I go about my life that response is more naturally what comes to the fore?

That is the purpose of the mettabavna.

So I'll just repeat that again because that was a relatively complicated sentence maybe,

But it felt slightly complicated to me and I was saying it.

So what we're doing is we all have naturally warm,

Empathic,

Compassionate,

Caring,

Loving,

Interested responses to ourselves and other people.

That is part of being a human being.

The purpose of the mettabavna is to in a controlled environment of our own minds identify more closely,

More precisely,

When that response arises in us and kind of take it,

Kind of genetically engineer it out of the experience and hold it in our awareness and let it grow within our experience,

Within the meditation.

So that then when we re-engage with the world that response is more fully present within us,

More easily accessible.

That is the purpose of the mettabavna.

And how you do that,

How you find that,

That is a journey.

I in no way expect to sort of answer that question for you because that's the question of our own minds.

But in a way the purpose of this meditation is that journey to find that response and to strengthen it.

So there's loads more we can say and in a way the second half is much more around us talking about,

Because it's not just what I do,

You know,

Like I'm just me,

I can tell you what I do.

And some of that will resonate for some of you.

Some of you will be thinking what,

That just is totally not how we engage.

So the second half is much more about a collective exploration of what works for us,

What works for us and how can we take that forward.

So the mettabavna is an intention,

It's a response.

And why is that important?

Well,

In a way I hope,

I trust that you have a sense of that for yourselves.

For me it's important because,

Well you know quite a few of you have heard me say this sort of thing before,

But I suppose what I,

Like I have a kind of like a deeply held conviction that if human beings related to the world that other life forms were valid,

Mattered,

That would transform our world.

In a certain way I think that's all it would take.

It's like actually if I thought,

Lisa,

Toby,

Coppish,

Robin,

If I truly,

And all of you,

If I truly believed that you were as valid,

If your experience was as valid as mine,

How would that transform my world?

You know,

It's a fairly benign example,

But obviously when we take that out into the realm of conflict,

Of destruction,

Then we see well that could radically transform our world.

What would it be like?

Anyway,

Blah blah blah.

Not go into the extremes,

But in terms of us,

If nothing else it transforms our world,

It transforms our world.

Because in some ways it just makes us more open,

More connected,

And that is a relief.

Not just to be thinking about me all the time,

That is a relief.

Anyway,

I've said enough,

Let's have a go.

So yeah,

Just two more words before we start.

So yeah,

Just to say a little bit about what I do.

As I say,

I have no expectation that this will necessarily work for you.

In a way I'm just giving you something to try right now and then we can talk about it in the second half.

So for me,

What I'm doing in the metta bhavana is I'm looking for a keen aesthetic,

A direct physical response to other human beings.

So that's what I trust,

That's what I know,

That on a good day,

And mostly I have good days,

I see other human beings and there's something in me which is,

There's an openness to them,

A care.

But yeah,

Like an openness to them.

As I was saying,

That you are valid.

Leon over there,

He is as valid as I am.

And physically that has a physiological dimension to it,

Kind of in my guts and in my hands,

Of kind of openness.

And what I'm trying to do in this meditation is contact the openness and just let it be,

Let it unfold.

That might kind of go click,

You might be thinking what on earth is he talking about?

If it goes click,

Fantastic.

If you're thinking what on earth am I talking about?

Then talk about it more in the second half.

But that's what we're trying to do.

And it's,

The reason why my hands are important is because it's an element of intention.

So like when you care for somebody,

This is another way of thinking about it,

When you care for somebody,

How does that manifest in your being?

So I remember once,

Just one last story,

When I was getting ordained actually,

And I was having a conversation with a friend about Vermetto Báthner.

And he was saying to me,

Well,

I was saying,

Oh God,

I find it a bit difficult and I never know quite what I'm doing.

And he said,

Some of you might have noticed,

I'm quite a tactile person,

I'm quite warm with my hands.

And he said,

Oh look,

Love is in your hands.

That was just like,

That was incredibly helpful to me.

It's like,

Oh yeah,

It is,

Isn't it?

Like I was looking for a feeling,

So I was looking for a feeling in my heart.

And I was sitting there going,

Oh my heart feels a bit kind of hard and a bit difficult and a bit closed and a bit,

Oh,

All of this.

And I was just completely neglecting the fact that there's love in my hands.

An openness of care for other human beings.

And actually getting to that,

Don't worry too much about your heart.

If your heart feels blocked,

It's fine.

You can be a deeply loving human being with a blocked heart,

Genuinely believe that.

Anyway,

Enough talk,

Let's have a go.

But let's,

If you feel blocked in your heart,

That doesn't mean to say you're failing in this meditation.

That's just part of your experience of being alive.

Where do you feel that openness?

Where do you find that response to other people?

That's what we need to find.

So let's have a go.

So just to remind you,

We start with ourselves and then we move on to a good friend.

Then we move on to someone,

A neutral person,

A random stranger.

Then we move on to someone we find difficult,

But not too difficult.

And then finally we expand out to all as many living beings as we can easily take in.

And a few more.

And a few more.

Always a few more.

Reviews

Thankyou Dharmashalin! I sometimes struggle with how I feel about the Metta Bhavana practice and this was so helpful.

Very clear and helpful. Thank you.

That was so helpful, will be looking up your other offerings thank you

thank you for this perspective

The idea of finding where the love resides gives me a feeling deep into my core. And does, then, feel radiant. 🙏

Great talk, explanation was good!