Working With Anger

Venerable Sangye Khadro guides a breathing practice to calm the mind, and leads an analytic meditation on how to work with anger. By analysing our triggers and applying antidotes to anger, this helps us to see difficult situations from a more realistic perspective and act in ways that will bring benefit to ourselves and others.

Transcript

We'll start with meditation on the breath and then for the second part we'll do a meditation to look at the emotion of anger and look at how we can start working with that.

So if you're able to sit cross-legged,

Any cross-legged position is fine,

Then that is fine,

That's good.

If you can't sit cross-legged or you,

Anyway,

Whatever reason,

It's fine to sit in a chair,

But if you do sit in a chair,

Try to keep your back straight.

Because keeping the back straight is helpful to have a more clear,

Awake,

Focused state of mind.

But it's also important to let your shoulders relax.

Don't have your shoulders tight and tense,

But let them drop and be relaxed.

Another thing mentioned in the Tibetan tradition is the position of the head.

So it said that our chin should be tilted downwards just a little bit.

And there's a reason for that.

If we have our head up too high,

That can cause the mind to be more busy,

Agitated,

Distracted.

If we have our head down too low,

That can cause the mind to be dull and sleepy.

So they say the best position is the chin just slightly downwards,

A little bit.

Another thing is the hands.

When people meditate,

They do different things with their hands.

In the Tibetan tradition,

We have our hands in our lap with right on top,

Left on bottom,

And the hands are,

The palms are facing upwards.

And then the tips of the thumbs are touching,

And then that's held in your lap.

I've heard that in the Zen tradition,

It's the opposite.

You have the left on top of the right.

And I don't really know if that makes a big difference,

Which hand is on top,

Which hand is on the bottom.

So if you're used to the Zen way,

You can continue doing that.

Otherwise,

Feel free to adapt the Tibetan way.

Some people put their hands on their knees.

I think that's more in the Hindu yoga tradition.

I'm just explaining how it's done in the Tibetan tradition if you want to follow that one.

But also feel free to be comfortable.

It is important to be comfortable when meditating.

Okay,

So get your body into a comfortable but conducive position for doing meditation.

Another point is you have your mouth closed and relaxed.

Don't clench your teeth.

And it's also a good idea to touch the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth behind your upper teeth.

Just let your tongue rest there on the upper part of your mouth.

Doing that helps to cut down the flow of saliva so you don't need to swallow so much,

Which could become distracting when you're meditating.

And then again,

With the eyes,

You can close them all the way if you wish.

But since doing that can lead to sleepiness and we don't really want to fall asleep when we're meditating,

We do want to stay awake.

It's helpful to keep your eyes open a little bit and then have your eyes looking down onto whatever is in front of you,

Your lap,

The floor,

A table.

So then your eyes are just partially open.

And that way some light comes in and the light can help you stay awake and alert.

But your eyes are not so wide open that you see things that could distract your attention.

That's the idea behind that.

Some people find it hard keeping the eyes open just partially like that.

They kind of struggle with that.

So if it is difficult and distracting,

It's okay to let your eyes close.

Just try to notice if you're falling asleep,

You're starting to nod off.

And if that is happening,

Then to counteract that,

You can open your eyes a little bit.

So take a few moments to check your body and see if you notice any tension anywhere in your body.

Maybe in your shoulders or back or in your abdomen or tummy.

So if you do notice there's tension somewhere in your body,

See if you can let it go.

Sometimes just by paying attention to tension and tightness and just telling ourselves to relax,

That itself is enough to let go of the tension.

But if you're not able to release or let go of all the tension in your body,

Don't worry about that.

It's not a big problem.

Just be content with whatever level of comfort and relaxation you are able to reach.

Then relax your mind.

That means putting aside any thoughts there may be in your mind that are not related to what we're doing here right now.

So if there's thoughts about the past,

Thoughts about the future,

Thoughts about problems in your life,

People,

Your work,

Your studies,

What's happening in the world,

Put all those thoughts aside for now.

Give yourself a break from those thoughts and just let yourself be right here in the present place and present moment.

And that's not always so easy to do,

But if we focus our mind,

Our attention on our breathing,

Being aware of our breath coming in and going out,

That itself helps us to be in the present because our breath is in the present.

Breathing is happening right here,

Right now,

Not in some other time or some other place.

So naturally when we are focused on our breathing,

Our mind is in the present moment.

And physiologically focusing on the breath has the effect of getting us into a more relaxed state of body and mind.

So that's what we're going to be doing in this first part of the meditation session,

Being aware of the breath coming in and going out.

And you can do that at the nostrils or at the belly or your chest or wherever you feel the breath most prominently,

Most easily.

Just try to keep your awareness at that place and keep your awareness on the full duration of the in-breath,

The out-breath,

One breath after another.

Any pauses in between one breath and another or in the middle of one breath.

You might mind run away just because there's a pause.

Stay focused on the breathing.

Now some people when they try to do this meditation get bored,

Which is understandable.

Our mind is used to looking at lots of different things one after another.

We're not used to staying focused on just one thing.

And they may find the breath not particularly interesting.

So a good way to counteract that is to realize how precious the breath is.

Breath is life.

If we don't have breath,

Can't breathe,

We can't stay alive.

So we can breathe.

There's nothing stopping us right now from breathing one breath after another.

And because we're breathing one breath after another,

We can stay alive.

We can maintain this precious life that we have.

So I'm just saying that.

That's not for you to think about.

But just in case you find yourself feeling bored with the breath,

You could remind yourself of that.

Breath is precious.

Breath is life.

Watching our breath coming in and going out can actually be a very joyful experience,

A very fascinating experience.

So I'll stop talking now and leave you to it.

Just bring your mind back to the breath when it wanders away.

Just staying with the breath.

Just learning to ignore any other sounds,

Any other sensations in your body,

Any other thoughts that might pop into your mind.

Just let them go,

Put them aside and come back to the breath.

Nice.

You you you you you you you you you you you you hey so you can slowly come out with meditation open your eyes change your position if you need to just to mention in case some of you may be wondering about moving during meditation generally it's good to try to sit still and not move because when our body moves it does have an effect on our mind makes our mind more agitated so the more still we can be when we're meditating the more calm and focused our mind can be however sometimes there may be pain or discomfort in the body and that can be a distraction too so it's okay to move when there is pain or discomfort but try not to move too much just when you really need to and if you do move try to do so slowly and mindfully be aware of what you're doing rather than just in a very jerky way so that's kind of a middle way between moving all the time whenever you feel like it and never moving at all and sometimes enduring really severe pain so I hope that that's clear okay so for the second part of this session we're gonna do a meditation on anger working with anger so anger and compassion are kind of opposite to each other because compassion is wishing others to not suffer and doing what we can to help them be relieved of suffering whereas anger if anger gets really strong we want somebody to suffer we want to make somebody suffer okay so it's kind of opposite so our mind goes back and forth our mind is always changing so there are times when we feel compassion but there are times when we're angry that's natural that's normal but we can work on our mind and learn to reduce the anger have less anger and increase the compassion so we have more compassion and that's really the essence of Buddhism the essence of Buddhism is working on a mind so that we can have less of those states of mind that are the create problems and suffering difficulties and have more of those states of mind that bring happiness and peace and health and well-being for ourselves for others for the world and so on so this does take time but it's definitely possible we can definitely do it so in Buddhism we have lots of methods or tools for how to bring about this kind of change so some of the methods are how to have more compassion and loving-kindness and some of the methods are how to reduce or decrease the you know the negative states of mind like anger so I thought you know be useful to do a little bit of meditation at this time on anger now there's all different shades or degrees of anger it can go from mild feelings of dislike or irritation or annoyance yeah when you just don't like the way somebody looks or the way they talk or the way they laugh or the way they dress right just feel this kind of yuck I don't like that that's kind of mild level of anger and then it can go all the way to the other extreme of anger that's so strong we want to kill somebody have you ever felt that you don't want a minute but sometimes we might feel that that kind of anger where we just want to throttle someone take them out get rid of them make the world empty of that person so and then in between there's different degrees different levels different shades of anger and so I think everybody does feel it at least sometimes and it's painful so in this meditation I'm just gonna ask you to bring to mind an experience you had of being angry and it might be better not to bring to mind a really strong one like where you felt like killing somebody that that might be too hard to work with you could choose one where you're just mild level of anger or irritation or annoyance like you I don't like that person then find somebody annoying or irritating and then we're gonna do some reflection on that and see how we might be able to reduce that anger and replace it with something more positive more constructive okay so once again get into a position good position for meditation trying to have your back straight your head slightly bent down not much but just a little bit eyes closed or open a little bit to stay awake and just try to be as relaxed as possible while still being alert and awake and focused on the meditation and put aside any thoughts that are not related to what we're meditating on what you're gonna do later or what you did earlier to put aside all those thoughts and just decide to stay focused on what we're doing right now and now I'd like you to start by thinking of an experience that you have had of feeling anger some form of anger but like I say if this is the first time you're doing this don't think of the biggest strongest feeling of anger you've ever had that might be too hard to work on think of something that's more mild low level or middle level it could even just be a feeling of annoyance irritation dislike towards somebody and it's good if you think of something that's kind of recent so it's still fresh in your mind you can still remember clearly what that felt like you you so once you have remembered this incident then focus on your own subjective experience of it not so much on what the other person did or said that made you feel this way and instead focus on what it was like for you to have anger or irritation in your mind how did it affect you you could start by just trying to remember how it affected your mind was your mind calm peaceful happy joyful or was it disturbed agitated tight and were you able to think clearly and make intelligent decisions or was your mind kind of crazy lots of thoughts running around some of them quite negative even harmful you can you remember how you felt in your body was your body calm and relaxed or was it tight agitated not feeling so good you now consider how the anger inside your mind affects other people around you if you express your anger by speaking or acting in certain ways this can sometimes be hurtful or disturbing even to people that you're not really angry at people you care about your your family your friends even your pets sometimes you might show your anger around them and that can be disturbing to them that can hurt them make them uncomfortable as this ever happened to you And even when you express your anger to those who you think deserve to be heard,

The ones you're really angry at,

How do you feel about that afterwards?

Looking back.

Do you feel good about the way you acted and spoke?

Or do you feel some regret,

Some shame?

You think you could have handled that better?

So the point here is to try to be aware or mindful of how anger affects us when we are angry,

How it feels in our body,

How it feels in our mind,

How it affects our way of acting,

Speaking.

And hopefully we'll recognize that it doesn't have good effects,

Doesn't make us feel good,

It makes us feel bad.

It can also make the people around us feel bad.

And then we feel bad for making them feel bad.

If we can recognize that,

That itself can be an incentive to try to have less anger,

To reduce our anger and learn to be more calm and compassionate and patient,

Which is possible.

You can definitely bring about that change.

Another effect of anger is that it becomes a habit.

The more we do it,

The more we feel anger and then express it with our actions,

Our words,

Then it becomes more habitual.

And then it's easier to do it again and again and again.

We assume we're not even aware of it anymore.

When neuroscientists talk about creating neural pathways,

In Buddhism we talk about leaving imprints on our mind.

Either way,

There is that kind of effect.

This is one of the effects of anger,

Becoming habitual more and more frequent.

So is that what you want?

You want to become a habitually angry person.

So now let's look at one of the ways we can start to change our mind so that we have less anger,

More compassion and patience.

So one way is to look at the other person and put yourself in their shoes or in their skin or in their head,

However you want to think of it.

It means trying to understand the other person.

What's going on with them?

How do things look from their perspective,

Their point of view?

If it's someone we know,

That can be easier.

If it's someone we don't know,

We can use our imagination.

When people act in harmful ways,

Things that make us angry,

Most probably they are not in a good state of mind.

Inside their mind there is unhappiness,

Frustration,

Depression,

Maybe grief,

Sadness.

Maybe there are big things happening in their life that are not going well and making them unhappy and irritated.

That's why they are behaving the way they are.

So just think about that and see if that could be true about this person towards whom you felt the anger or the irritation.

Think this person is really unhappy,

Really troubled inside.

So that could be a sign,

Even a psychological sign,

Saying to yourself,

Whoa,

That's the So this doesn't mean we are excusing or condoning their behavior if they really did do something wrong or harmful.

It's just trying to have a more soft attitude towards them,

More ready to forgive and reach out and try to help them instead of doing something harmful,

Making them suffer even more.

Another thing that's helpful is to think that a person probably isn't 100% bad doing bad things 100% of the time.

Nobody is like that.

Nobody has some good qualities and does do some positive things,

At least sometimes.

You might find it helpful to continue reflecting on some of these ideas with regard to anyone towards whom you feel anger or irritation.

Just see if it could help your mind to be less angry,

Less irritated,

A little softer,

Compassionate and even wanting to help this person.

Reviews

Thank you

Helpful to cool the flames a bit

So wonderful, really! Thank you for this gentle and softer perspective around anger. This has given me much to ponder and apply in my life.
I appreciate your acknowledgment that we all experience anger on many levels. I feel by speaking about this helps to bring an understanding that we all share in this emotion, some way or another. For me, it brings comfort and an ease in finding compassion for these emotions and not fearing them and this allows for me to move through them with gratitude and graciousness 🙏🏻✨💖

Thank you for the wisdom. Anger is something we all struggle with, I hope these techniques help me find more compassion in my moments of frustration.