32: Falling Apart May Be The Way Through

Typically we try to hold it together. But sometimes we have to let it all fall apart for something new to emerge. During my tumultuous year of 2021, I came to terms with guidance that I was being asked to let A Course in Miracles go. Although I fell into a temporary crisis, help showed up in both physical and non-physical forms. And I see now that letting go of A Course in Miracles was necessary for something new to emerge through me. In this podcast, I sum up my experiences and lessons learned.

Transcript

This is From Anxiety to Love Radio,

The show about undoing anxiety through a course in miracles and other pathways of love.

Gain insights and tools to deepen your awareness of the peace that already exists within you.

I'm your host Corinne Zupko,

Author of the award-winning and best-selling book From Anxiety to Love.

Welcome from Anxiety to Love family.

This is episode 32,

Falling apart may be the way through.

From episode 30 onwards,

I am sharing the unexplainable experiences I have had over the past two years,

Trying to put everything together into a coherent story while interweaving lessons and insights that can hopefully serve you too.

To recap our last episode,

Which was episode 31,

You learned about my surprising experiences I had with the land and feeling connected to nature spirits at a state park in New Jersey.

If I have to sum it up,

I felt like God was guiding me down into the earth as the veil simultaneously became thin and perhaps parallel or past life connections fueled my desire to spend as much time as possible in this place.

Honestly,

I still don't know how to explain what went on and I'm okay with that.

I don't want or need to write meaning on it.

Well,

It turns out that the respite I was finding in the park served as an anchor point for what would come next in my life,

A massive period of undoing,

Which is what today's episode is about,

Because sometimes you have to let everything fall apart for something new to emerge.

I'm going to give you a bird's eye view of my period of unsettling,

And I have some key lessons about healing that I'd like to share at the end of the episode.

Looking back,

2021 presented some of the most challenging experiences of my life.

It was tumultuous,

It was painful,

And it came with a lot of confusion and grief.

My extremely difficult month was August 2021.

I was carrying an inner tension that seemed like it originated somewhere between the base of my sternum and like the top of my solar plexus,

And it was purely emotionally based.

It grew into insomnia.

I thought I might cross a line and lose myself in debilitating anxiety,

But thank goodness that didn't happen.

But it was a struggle as I tried to find my way through relationship challenges,

Some physical challenges from my body manifesting stress,

Pandemic stress,

And professional challenges with the amount of work I had on my plate.

If you've ever been in a situation where you feel screwed no matter what you do,

That was how I felt.

I was in an impossible situation with no clear solutions.

I was truly in a bind.

But binds can be blessings.

When you're in the world and only have the horizontal plane options of right or left,

But you know that both of these options won't solve anything,

Your only option is to go vertical.

That means turning to spirit,

And I turned to spirit as deeply as I could.

Typically when times would get tough,

I'd cling to my Course in Miracles book.

I'd recite lessons,

I'd read passages,

And I'd constantly remind myself of the teachings of the course.

This helped guide me through so many challenges in order to arrive at the other side,

And I'm so grateful for that.

But there was something markedly different about my current situation.

I had witnessed people using A Course in Miracles in ways that were hurtful,

And I felt distraught over this.

I felt uncomfortable being part of this energy,

And I questioned if I could continue to teach A Course in Miracles.

While I was willing to continue being a voice for what A Course in Miracles meant to me,

I was getting a feeling that I was being guided into some kind of new territory.

Over the course of about a year,

I had a growing,

Pesky,

Internal feeling that wouldn't leave me,

But that I didn't want to be true.

I had a strong internal feeling that I was being guided to let A Course in Miracles go.

I mentioned this in a previous episode,

One thing I've learned from studying A Course in Miracles religiously for over 25 years is trust.

My level of trust in spirit is strong enough that when I came to terms with the unmistakable guidance I was receiving to let A Course in Miracles go,

I trusted God enough to say okay.

So I let the book go.

I put it down.

I let all words go.

I let go of what I thought I knew about A Course in Miracles.

I let go of my ideas of what healing looks like.

I let go of how I defined God.

I let go of what I thought the purpose of my life was.

I let identification as A Course in Miracles student teacher go.

As I shared in episode 30,

I fully stepped into the space of I don't know what anything is for,

And I was willing to walk away from everything I'd created online and delete my website,

But that's not what I was being asked to do.

What I was being asked to do was to literally step into spirit's arms with a completely open mind.

From the outside,

This might be hard to understand.

I remember someone questioning me who sounded distressed that I was being asked to let the Course go.

They asked me,

Why would you let something go that has been so helpful to you?

Here's the thing about being in a body and having a brain.

We can develop habits,

Belief systems,

Practices,

And thoughts that actually end up blocking us,

Only we're completely blind to it.

We each grow up in the marinade of the world.

The culture we're raised in,

The big T or little t traumas we experience,

Our family system,

All of these factors and more influence how we perceive,

How we take in information,

And what we do with that information.

The marinade we are raised in creates a lens of how we perceive,

And this lens can also influence how we interpret and practice A Course in Miracles.

I'll give you an example based on my marinade in the world.

I'm in a white body that was born and raised in the USA,

And amongst Western white bodies like me,

There's a strong focus on individualism.

So in the past,

I would view A Course in Miracles as something that was very individualistic.

I would really resonate with the passages that were about healing my mind.

I only focused on the definition of a miracle being a shift in perception in my mind,

And I'd ignore the definition that miracles are expressions of love and are interpersonal.

Because of my lens,

In my initial years of studying A Course in Miracles,

I wouldn't give as much weight to the passages that were clearly about healing through relationships.

So this is one way that my lens affected my interpretation of A Course in Miracles.

So in being asked to let go of A Course in Miracles,

I was aware that I had ideas in my mind that needed to go in order to grow even closer to God.

I held a view of what I thought A Course in Miracles says.

I held a view of the world.

I held a view of what healing should look like.

And I held a view of what miracles should look like.

These views can actually get in the way of direct experience.

These views are thoughts I'm holding in my mind that can end up getting in the way of transformational healing.

So I had to be willing to release all of my attachments to A Course in Miracles and all aspects of my identity that were linked to it.

I was being asked to step into complete open-mindedness,

Holding on to nothing,

Including A Course in Miracles.

And I did so.

I released it all.

From here,

I went into a temporary crisis.

As I mentioned just before,

I developed insomnia.

I felt deeply disturbed over various situations around me.

The emotional pain was super intense.

I had that inner tension I mentioned,

Some physical issues,

And stressors on my plate that felt like too much to handle.

My spiritual foundation felt like it was crumbling.

I felt destabilized.

But when I say I went into a temporary crisis,

I need to stress the word temporary,

Because the bottomless chasm that I seemingly stepped into was not bottomless.

Help showed up in so many forms,

Both in the physical and in the spiritual,

Through surprising visions,

Synchronicities,

And experiences with beings on the other side of the veil.

And I'll be unpacking all of this in upcoming episodes.

What I'd like to do right now is talk about a section in Part 4 of the Manual for Teachers in A Course in Miracles.

It is called What are the Characteristics of God's Teachers?

This section looks at the stages we go through in our development of trust.

I'll take you through each stage briefly.

Stage 1 is a period of undoing.

We come to see in this stage that this isn't working.

We might feel like things are falling apart,

And we come to realize that we want to see things differently.

Stage 2 is a period of sorting out.

Here,

We thought something of the world would make us happy,

Maybe like a new relationship,

But we see now that it won't.

We begin to see that there's a difference between the valuable and the valueless in our lives.

Stage 3 is the period of relinquishment.

In this stage,

We become willing to get rid of what does not work.

We let go.

We may have fears of sacrifice arise here,

But we end up finding joy instead of sadness.

Stage 4 is the period of settling down.

This is a period of rest and learning is consolidated.

We go on from here because we've not yet gone as far as we think,

But we don't go on alone.

Stage 5 is a period of unsettling.

We come to realize that we know nothing.

Previously,

We kept trying to do the Holy Spirit's job and sort out the valuable and the valueless ourselves.

But here in this stage,

We must learn to lay judgment aside and ask only what we want in every situation.

That's paraphrasing the course language.

Stage 6 is a period of achievement.

This is the stage of real peace.

There are solid gains and these gains can be counted on.

A course quote from this section says,

Heaven's state is fully reflected.

I've always loved this section of A Course in Miracles because it shows us that healing is not linear.

You don't just have a spiritual awakening and then stay there forever.

We continue to learn,

Learn,

Learn.

By the way,

It's my belief and my experience that we cycle and recycle through these stages on a small scale,

While we are on an overall trajectory of moving through each stage and healing being guaranteed.

I've always found it so comforting that I could read this section and see that ultimately we are heading towards peace,

No matter how hard things seem to be.

The outcome is guaranteed.

So coming back to my tumultuous 2021,

Specifically August 2021,

I felt that I was in a major period of undoing again,

The first stage.

One of my friends slash angels who showed up to help me is fellow A Course in Miracles teacher Uma Sangby.

I'm planning on having Uma on the podcast down the road,

But for now I'll share a quick story.

In my A Course in Miracles study group,

Which I facilitated for over a decade,

There were a few times when some of us met early before the group went live because some members were curious to hear about the synchronicities and the experiences that I was having with the Black Madonna and the Divine Feminine.

Uma said to me,

She said,

Corinne,

In these stages,

Look at what it says in a period of settling down,

Which is stage four.

It says,

And she read this direct quote from this section in the manual,

The quote is,

Yet when he is ready to go on,

He goes on with mighty companions beside him.

Now he rests a while and gathers them before going on.

He will not go on from here alone.

End quote.

Uma said that she's always interpreted the mighty companions in this paragraph to be physical and non-physical mighty companions who are beside us.

Based on the synchronicities and divine messages I had been receiving,

Uma said to me,

She said,

Corinne,

You're not in stage one,

You're in stage five,

Which is a period of unsettling.

She enthusiastically said,

That means the final stage,

The final sixth stage of the period of achievement is next.

I felt a moment of relief,

But then reality set in.

I looked at the page and with laughter,

I highlighted that in stage five,

Which is the period of unsettling,

It says in the course,

And this is the direct quote,

And now he must attain a state and he being all of us as teachers of God,

And now he must attain a state that may remain impossible to reach for a long,

Long time.

He must learn to lay all judgment aside and ask only what he really wants in every circumstance.

End quote.

So I said,

Uma,

That's great,

But the next stage could be a long,

Long,

Long time away.

And Uma laughed and she said these words to me.

She said,

Corinne,

I will join with you in the intention that it won't be a long,

Long time.

It will be the easiest period of unsettling ever.

She said,

You're set up for success with what you've learned before.

These words were like healing medicine for me with Uma reminding me that I now have visible and invisible guides with me and that she was joining with me in the intention of having the easiest period of unsettling ever.

All of this gave me so much hope that I was going to make it through the pain and find a way to feel grounded again.

While I am still on my learning journey and I think I will be for a long,

Long time,

I am happy to report that the intensity of August 2021 did dial down.

Thank goodness.

What I see now is that I needed to be shaken loose from my grip on A Course in Miracles to open up to new levels of learning and experience.

Remember,

The course says the curriculum is highly individualized.

The course means this.

Our curriculums are not cookie cutters.

They are highly individualized and two course students are not going to have curriculums that look the same.

Previously,

I did a lot of dismissing of things that were,

Quote,

Not A Course in Miracles.

If something didn't fit my course based frame of reference,

Out the door it would go.

Now,

My learning was zeroed in on one of the characteristics of God's teachers,

Also listed in this section in the manual,

Which is open-mindedness.

I had to really step into this space of open-mindedness.

Once I became willing to let go of A Course in Miracles,

And I didn't realize this at the time,

I simultaneously and subconsciously said yes to having experiences that were outside of my previously limited frame of reference.

I opened up to the Divine Mother through an experience that I'll share in Episode 34.

I opened to learning about how the ego has hidden both personal and intergenerational trauma in the body,

While also learning about how to clear it.

I opened to learning about my energetic body and the mistakes I was making in taking on others' energy,

Which actually led to an ulcer and some other issues,

And we'll touch upon this down the road.

And I also opened to learning more about how intuitive those of us with anxiety really are,

And I can't wait to share more about that one.

I also got back into therapy and was quite surprised at how powerful traditional therapeutic healing modalities can be when you go back to therapy and place Spirit in charge of the process.

This is another area I'll be expanding upon down the road.

I love therapy when you're working with a good,

Open-minded supportive therapist.

As I think back and reflect not only on August 2021,

But of the past two years in their entirety,

I want to share a few takeaways that I learned from this super intense time,

And I have three takeaways for you.

1.

Don't bypass your feelings.

Do guiltlessly out your ego.

So just to expand on this takeaway,

When you feel pain,

Remember that it is healthy to feel.

Suppressing your feelings or trying to numb or bypass them is not going to work.

Pain can be an incredible catalyst for transformation if you allow it,

But to do this,

You must not be afraid to out your ego.

Here's an example.

Every time a difficult feeling arose for me,

I went into it with defenselessness and a willingness to see whatever it was that I needed to see.

I felt my feelings.

I did not turn away,

Numb or suppress them.

If ego was in there,

I was willing to call myself out and own it,

So I'd guiltlessly out my ego.

You can call out your ego to the Holy Spirit alone or to a trusted friend or loved one if you have that relationship.

Being transparent with the ego means you're not protecting it,

And not protecting the ego is what the Holy Spirit needs in order for healing to take place.

I want to mention something here,

Though,

Based on my experiences as a coach and a therapist.

To explore pain,

It is so important to remember that you are doing so with the Holy Spirit.

You are not looking alone.

The Holy Spirit will support you in standing firm in your true guiltlessness,

And it is from this place of guiltlessness that you can look at the pain with the Holy Spirit.

If you struggle with feelings of guilt and shame,

Don't underestimate how overwhelming these feelings can be.

And if these feelings of guilt and shame feel intolerable,

They can prevent us from truly looking and healing because we don't want to admit we've made mistakes.

Remember,

You're not exploring these difficult feelings alone.

Guiltlessness is your true nature,

And it's okay to make mistakes.

It does not mean you're a bad person.

It just means you're learning.

So again,

Allow the Holy Spirit to support you in knowing your guiltlessness while you look at whatever painful feelings arise.

Takeaway number two,

Quit judging your quote unquote progress.

Just stop it.

Even if things are falling apart,

This may be the dawn of a new perception.

There's a miracle just on the other side of everything falling apart.

Reframe any fears you might have of losing progress,

Even when you are struggling.

Here's an awesome course quote.

The course says,

You cannot distinguish between advance and retreat.

Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures,

And some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success.

So please stop judging your progress.

You are doing the best you can.

Be kind to yourself.

Harshness is the way of the ego.

Gentleness is the way of spirit.

Also,

You cannot lose any gains you have made,

Even if you temporarily forget what you've learned.

Your gains are in you and they are not leaving you.

I'm no longer afraid of losing the gains I've made because losing progress is impossible.

I've learned this lesson.

We do not lose our gains,

Even if we forget about them.

Also,

I know that earlier in this episode I speculated about what stage I'm in,

But I have no idea.

I release it all and I don't need to know.

I just trust that I am in the exact learning space I need to be in.

So release yourself from judgment of yourself.

Quit judging your progress.

You are doing the best you can and that is enough.

You are enough exactly as you are.

Takeaway number three.

Your life is your curriculum and your curriculum is highly individualized.

Your life is your learning.

Don't try to make your life be as someone else says it should be.

Instead,

Embrace what is showing up because it is here to teach you what you need to learn.

What you need to learn may be how to use your voice,

How to say no,

How to love,

How to take action,

How to listen,

How to forgive,

How to stop people pleasing.

Whatever situation you find yourself in,

The Holy Spirit is with you.

Jesus is with you.

The Divine Mother is with you.

Your angels and your ancestors are with you.

Be willing to listen to them.

Learn from your curriculum and do as they direct.

Your guides want to communicate with you.

Also,

Regarding your curriculum,

I'm giving you permission to be yourself and own what you care about.

I used to feel shame and fear that I'd be judged in A Course in Miracles circles if I was open about my intense love of trees or how much joy it used to bring me to recycle.

Now I'm all about not generating waste to begin with because burying trash in the ground makes absolutely no sense.

I am done with feeling fears of shame or judgment from other Course students and have instead allowed Spirit to use my love of the earth as she sees fit.

Before I go,

You're probably wondering what my current relationship looks like with A Course in Miracles.

It is in my blood and bones.

It is the operating system through which I see the world.

I cannot not live it as it's part of who I am.

It's fully alive in my daily life.

But even more than a student of A Course in Miracles,

I now consider myself a student of Jesus and the Divine Mother.

They've been accompanying me on quite a surprising journey into many places that are at the edge of the Course.

In other words,

A Course in Miracles mentions or points to certain things like the soul,

Psychic abilities,

And angels,

But it doesn't describe these things at length.

These are the areas where I'm currently dwelling at the edge of A Course in Miracles.

In closing,

If you resonate right now with being in a period of undoing or a period of unsettling or any period that is bringing you challenges,

Please hear me when I say these words to you.

I join with you in the intention that your period of undoing or unsettling won't last for a long,

Long time.

It will be the easiest period of unsettling ever.

And thank you for those words,

Uma.

Thank you,

Friends,

For listening and letting me share my story with you.

It means so much to be on this journey together.

You can grab my takeaways and course quotes that I mentioned in this episode on the show notes page at fromanxietytolove.

Com forward slash thirty two.

In our next episode,

I will be interviewing Reverend Celeste Frazier about the Black Madonna,

Our Divine Mother.

I love you and I'll see you in the next episode.

I am with you in your journey of undoing fear.

I'll leave you with the last few sentences in my book from Anxiety to Love.

I believe in you.

We're healing together.

Every gain that I've made is a gain for you.

And every gain that you make is a gain for me.

My gains are yours and yours are mine because we are one.

We're going to make it.

The light in you is too bright to fail.

If you buy a copy of from anxiety to love,

Make sure you take advantage of your free bonus,

Which is three free tracks from the From Anxiety to Love meditation album.

Get access at fromanxietytolove.

Com forward slash meditations.

Thank you for listening and I'll see you on the next episode.